Sunday, January 30, 2005

Gossip and freedom of speech

I love to gossip. I don't mean the malicious sort, I mean passing on interesting things that happen to people. If they're confidential, then I won't, but otherwise it's what makes good conversation and learning material. Is there anyone else that really doesn't? It's human nature to learn and share, and for me the most fascinating thing to learn and share about is ourselves. And for that I'm labelled a gossip by some. Maybe they've got something to hide then. Privacy is so not a big deal for me. I know I've committed no offences and so have nothing to be private about myself. Because no one with an IQ or age above 10 does it in this country many people think I'm also an idiot for doing so, but no one I know has (or probably could) used anything true I've shared about myself against me. The only things they did in the past were made up, and I believe in order to be understood we have to give people enough to understand us.

In British law, they agree with me. Defamation does not just have to be nasty, it must be a lie. If we tell the truth or give an opinion (unlike in many other countries including some in Europe) it's allowed. It's called freedom. The privacy laws just over the channel scare the shit out of me as it technically means anything can be made secret, with frighteningly totalitarian consequences. Anyway, that's another issue and one I can only encourage people to disagree with here.
But as you can see, I mainly gossip here about myself as it's my diary. But if someone gossips about me I usually take it as a compliment if not defamatory as it means I'm interesting enough to quote. Who wants to die forgotten? I also laugh at funny jokes about my own race if they are funny, however nasty, and am only too prepared to do the same about others as I can take it, and racists will not be made or stopped by regulating humour, just fascists will create and enforce such rules.

Education is not gained from selectivity but sharing information, and the number of postgraduate students on my counselling course aged 25 plus, who discovered for the first time that other people as well as them had problems scared the shit out of me. And my own clients usually think everyone else is fine except them as they all won't admit to anyone except their counsellor they have any problems and feel totally isolated and inadequate as a result. So I am a one man crusade to break this British deadlock by spilling the beans on anything and everything I can that hopefully can't be used against me, and set an example. If, as the leader of the crusade, I get cut down, than at least I will have gone down doing what I believed in, and would rather have done than chicken out and select safe information to share. I never did this, it almost got me delayed on my course but didn't in the end, and now I at least hope I do it consciously and carefully, which I didn't do then. Well, to close it all I will give the latest gossip from Kingsbury.

It's all over with Kendall, as I started the story here I had to let everyone know what was happening for the blog. Otherwise I have met an incredibly spiritual person which I just wanted to mention. I also re-read some of Nick Roach's site about his own experience of enlightenment, and guess what (after asking him this exact question like an idiot by email), he said one part was massive coincidences and being given many learning experiences. We are in absolute tandem there!
I do believe I was given a pretty big one of my own recently, to show me life in Kingsbury actually wasn't that bad. Life in general actually, and if God's listening, it worked. And of course every person involved in the situation was chosen for their reasons as well, so they'd have to look for them. You see how I can be diplomatic where it's necessary? OK, I hate doing so, I'd love to give names, places and details, but would not like the horse's head as a result so have to leave it out. Funnily enough, I just bought another book by David Icke and he does give names and places, bloody big ones, and has never been sued! There's another lesson there if I can think of it.

My plans, I have to admit, haven't changed much since graduation 20 years ago. A decent girlfriend and decent job. These came and went, and the jobs of course lasted a lot longer. Actually I no longer want what you'd call 'a job', I want to remain self-employed, but make hundreds a week instead of bits and pieces doing something that pays hundreds. So far my business ambitions have never been thwarted (unlike the female ones) and I strongly expect this to happen, though how and when I can't control. I even have no idea how I'll EVER meet a woman, as there are no specific places here at my age, you just have to trip over the right one at the right time. As the 'anorak' statistical mode automatically springs into action like a well-oiled railway timetable, the last ones were met from (in order from most recent)internet site, party, introduced by friend, introduced by friend, introduced by friend, disco back in 1982 but nothing happened for 11 years, telephone dating and disco. I.E. no consistent route. I've never pulled at my work or anyone else's (ie waitresses, shop girls, other staff wherever I happen to be including the incredible doctor and nurse team who stitched my finger etc). My grandma is my greatest critic as she genuinely believes if I return to even one singles do I used to frequent from the mid 70s to the mid 80s i'd be married soon. The fact I went from time to time up till about 1998 and each time remembered why I'd stopped shows it no longer would work. Most were people who were either there from the beginning, or returned after a divorce. It unfortunately includes those whose appearances make it hard to meet anyone and those whose appearances are fine until you speak to them. The others either meet someone immediately and never return, or don't need to go there in the first place. Agencies are a terrible waste of money and time (in that order, I have plenty of time to spare) as I spent a few years trying them in the late 80's onwards as the next port of call. Apart from the random success from a telephone dating service I met a pile of women, mainly older than me and divorced, with enough problematic data to allow Freud to write all his books all over again. I liked a few of them and some let me spend quite a bit of time and money on them before deciding they either didn't want me, or in the case of some, didn't really want a man at all now they'd had a go.

On the plus side, I do meet some incredible women, but not in a setting I can do anything about, but I know they exist, and some are even single. This includes my internet forums where they all live far away, and though some may have been worth trying had they lived nearby, I don't want to start with any complications. But it does give me hope, and if God is listening now, I'd like one very quickly, and even if possible one I can specifically name. I read we have to think without limits, and one miracle is no bigger than another, so we can expect anything to happen, as once you break the bounds of science one trick is as amazing as another, so you may as well ask for the biggest ones. The request has been made to the universe now, and I will let it go as I was taught to do.

Saturday, January 29, 2005

Too personal?

As with any new technology, you have to discover the best way to use it, and this tends to be by trial and error. Putting your personal diary on the outside, rather than the inside does seem a bit of a contradiction in terms, as a diary is meant to be personal. Well, that's done now, as we have blogs, but my mother's latest comment was (following 'It's too depressing') is 'It's too personal'.

I agree nothing has been left out, as this is my diary and relates to me. If it was a normal website, like my own, it would be subject based, but this is 'me' based, and I may then go off at a tangent from there. I have not committed any crimes or broken any other rules so I don't believe I have much to actually hide, considering behind the scenes we've all 'been there, done that' to some extent. Now it's just coming into the foreground. Well, I have nonetheless taken the advice, too late to edit the previous stuff, and I also think it would make each post harder to understand if I left out key points. But other bloggers, is it really so bad to bare your heart online if everyone else does? My view was that once a few others have the courage to do so, then so will I. In the long run we'll all get used to it and start being more open naturally.

Just for the records, I do hold back a bit, I haven't mentioned: The size of my penis, my toilet habits, my current and past sex life, and some of my more way-out fantasies. I may write about the others now I've thought of it...

Friday, January 28, 2005

progress report

Well, after the last dismal post (I'd hit the bottom) I hope today's mood will be improved. Outwardly little's changed (details will follow) but I'm ok now. The financial effects will take a while to kick in if there is never any more benefit, and hopefully the time will either allow me to find a regular/ish income or reclaim benefits. So that's off the system now, it'll take care of itself in its own time.
The latest birthday's less than 24 hours away, (45, it's on my profile) so, for a birthday treat, I'll list (which is one of my great loves in life) what I have and haven't done in that time that I wanted to. Much overlaps with my 100 things, but of course most here is what I haven't done which wasn't there...

I have:

Got a law degree, professional counselling, psychotherapy and hypnotherapy qualifications.
Bought my own house. (These were my first two aims in life, and were fulfilled)
Been to 10 countries
Been on TV, including big brother (5 seconds), but not spoken
Had a number of articles published (unpaid)
Lived with a woman for 2 weeks (with a gap in the middle!)
Self published and sold a booklet on counselling
Seen auras
Proved (to myself) clairvoyance/collective mind
Performed music and comedy to audiences between 3 and a couple of hundred
Driven a large motorbike (550cc)
Driven a Cadillac in America
Seen performances from many A list celebrities, including Frankie Howerd, Bill Haley, Uri Geller (ok, maybe C list...), Artur Rubinstein (a pianist who was almost 90 at the time), The 'Carry on' and 'Hi de hi' casts, Lenny Henry, Rowan Atkinson, and my personal favourite (though just rehearsing) Patrick Stewart of Star Trek (next generation). I also saw Roy Orbison when I was about 4 which I just about remember being in.
Learnt probably the best way to meditate, from Maharaji.
Taken the Eurostar (bloody amazing as well).
Seen the queen (Maldon, Essex, around 1970, sitting in a parked car waving to the crowd). I missed a second view more recently at Portsmouth Harbour as the place was crawling with police so I carried on walking, and when I came back some minutes later had just missed her car arriving to collect or deliver her to the station.
Seen England play at Wembley (football) and The Oval (cricket).
Been to 73 football matches (League/Cup/International/reserve).

I still (and may never) have not:

Been married
Had children (intended to do one before the other anyhow)
Spoken on TV
Been paid to write
Had a single full time job for longer than 2 1/2 months, though I did have two for a total of about 4 without a break!
Had an enlightenment experience
Gained an official profession (ie where people are required by law to have one to practice)
Skiied (probably too late)
Jumped out of a parachute (probably too sane to)
Visited Leicester (probably too boring to)
Had any regular girlfriend for over 8 months
Had an out of body experience
Been to the southern hemisphere or the tropics
and finally Esther... Had anyone send me an email from Friends Reunited (apart from replies to mine) since I joined at the very beginning in 2000. Wankers!

At least the second list gives me some ambition, though the control I have over them, and the effort involved in doing so where I do have, means they're really up to fate rather than any other factor. On the TV one, Channel 4 TV have a list of reality programmes they want people for, and I may have to have my house overrun by crew for a month in order to get there at the moment, unless my actual talents get me there first!

Saturday, January 22, 2005

Dragon's eggs

My concept of eggs hatching of course includes bad ones, and after 4 months a monster has hatched, meaning I now have no regular income. But my preparation meant that though I am far from happy, (I am still in shock of course) I did not panic or worry my life is ruined like I would have before. This is the first time in my life that I have ridden a storm rather than drown in one, and though I admit it's not the worst thing that can happen to me, it's no picnic.

Otherwise, there is little to report on any front beyond earlier progress. I can only think of utterly trivial items to mention but as this is a diary they all go in regardless, if only for others to see their lives are pretty much the same as everyone else's. Here goes for what my friend Vicky called a stultifying list of recent Kingsbury events to test the resolve of my few regular readers.

Firstly, due to so little happening last week I was finally able to start my filing, and have already chucked out about 6 inches of papers. The house still looks like a cross between a museum and an office, but I'm still ploughing through, and the best bonus I hope is that I find a long lost item while I look. Other than that, I'm struggling to think of anything else. I've also got another birthday coming up on Saturday, at this stage in life it's not anything I can be happy about, just relief I've survived another year, and see if I've done enough in the extra time to justify my existence. I still have the bare minimum, ie my house and my qualifications, but my pleasures in life have been cut to the bone.

I can (using the privilige of an imminent birthday) give something of a review to show my current position. The foundations we sometimes have in life that we can fall back on so whatever happens there is always something behind us have left me one by one till these two are the only ones left. I literally understand the term 'rock bottom' now, as if you imagine floating, there are so many layers of water cushioning you, and as one goes at a time, if there are none left, you end up with no water and living among the sharp rocks on the surface. Well that's where I finally ended up now. I can allow myself this one cathartic moan today as if I can't have a beef when I'm in the shit, when else could I?

So, since 1981 my foundations of all types have gone one by one. Firstly, and possibly the biggest, was when my mother left us in 1981, leaving myself and my father alone in the family house. Then my beloved Edmondson card train tickets I collected since 1970 were abolished for general use in 1988 (to be fully abolished in 1996). In 1993 we had to sell the family house where I'd been since 1965 and, though I didn't like it when I originally moved in, had got used to and was comfortable in. Following this, in 1997 I lost my job of 5 years, which though it wasn't well paid was easy and tolerable, and apart from the self-employment only managed to find one job since that lasted 3 days! (not my fault either). Finally in 2002 my best friend and his family (who also gave me the last job) left to live in America and I discovered I didn't actually see any other close friends much any more as I hadn't actually noticed until that point. Finally my regular income went. That sparked off this list, as I am now on the bottom, no water to float on but just the floor.

In future, of course I'll gradually get used to the situation, once the shock's worn off, and am having to adapt to the situation. Whatever I choose to do to get a job has no relation on actually getting one after waiting two years to get my last one. Refusing full time work doesn't help, but the previous time I applied for over 100 full time jobs I didn't get one of them either. The other eggs in my life are few and far between, and to be frank, don't mean a thing now as they don't really exist unless they hatch. Till then they only exist in the mind and not in the world. I'll just say that after reading of a few online friends who are dying, I've still, thank goodness, got my health (physically anyhow!) but I am alone and have little direction beyond the one I already have automatically. My life will barely change in practice. I'll just open a letter one day and find I have a lot less money. Other than that life goes on much the same, but along the rocks from yesterday onwards, till someone fills the bath again...

Karma and enlightenment

Though I was told this is one of the most basic concepts, I still thought it was a pretty clever formula I'd noticed, and as we all have to start somewhere, here is the relationship between karma and enlightenment.

Firstly, by being involved in the illusion (maya), which is the belief we are separate from everything else, we take it all seriously and build up karma, which then has to be resolved. This continues as long as we're involved in maya, though of course we do also learn something new every time we resolve a karmic issue. Then, when we have become tired of maya, with its events and related thoughts and emotions, we desire enlightenment, which is a release from maya and the associated feelings.

Using the simplest method as described on , we detach ourselves gradually from the past karma by observing it, and as we remove energy from our reactions, we burn old karma by losing our association with it. Then of course by taking a detached attitude to current and new events, we stop building up new karma. When we finally finish the energy of our old karma, and perfect not reacting to current situations, we use it all up. And the result, of course, is enlightenment.

So if you allow in the extra concept of karma, though fascinating but superfluous to Nick's route to enlightenment, we are looking at the same thing in a different way. If karma does exist it will be an inevitable by-product of enlightenment that if you lose the illusion, you'll no longer be subject to any of its mechanisms, karma being the greatest one.

Thursday, January 20, 2005


I decided I'd post before I went to bed, and had no idea what I was going to write in advance, hence the title. A stream of Kingsbury consciousness based on the last few days here.
Well, everything is a bit average at the moment. With experience I've learnt to skirt round certain subjects here as some of the people I write about do know my URL and may or may not bother to read it. I presume every blogger has the same problem, so I'll try and convey all the trivia but may have to be a little vague at times, as they say, for illegal reasons (my own variation there).

One bright spot is the flurry of reunions I've had with people I believed were lost, the ones I mentioned last week were the initial telephone calls, which have now begun to be followed with actual meetings. One message I have to say from this experience is please don't write off people you were friends with in a hurry. I'd rather argue with interesting people sometimes than be thoroughly bored with the nice-but-dim. You argue with your family but usually accept them, and if you treat others the same way who haven't qualified as 'best friends', you may well be able to add them to your list of best friends by giving them not one, but many chances. As many of my old friends (up to 40 years plus standing) disappear, I realise the value of maintaining them, and for the first time in my life having to hope new ones arrive to replace the ones who moved on. No, I didn't drive them away, some went abroad, others had housefuls of kids and traded their few single friends for people they had something in common with at their new stage of life, and one day I just woke up and realised there were none left I saw more than once a year. I'll get new ones, no doubt about that, but as I neither go out to work nor study, and only go to a gym the other side of London where people talk once a month it'll take a while, but meanwhile I do whatever is here and available.

Other than that, I have been busier this week work wise (I work form home) as I was last week, and really enjoy seeing my therapy clients. Apart from being on TV, this is the next best job for me but though the benefits for others come from it as well, there isn't enough work to rely on to pay the bills, and there probably never will be. So it's really a part-time hobby and like actors, people only see the good stuff they've done, and rarely know how many weeks or months they kicked their heels between parts. Since my professional qualification I applied for a job every month on average for over a year, and finally got an interview in a school, where we were kept in a group of six together, all day (for the three left after the morning tests) in a staff room curiously reminiscent of the Big Brother house. It was surreal, as we were left to socialise in the room for about 3 hours while each person was picked off for first a task and then an interview including feedback on the task. The only bit that was missing (and I was almost tempted to look for) was the diary room . There was an open-plan kitchen to make tea, just like the BB house, and we sat in padded armchairs and chatted, and speculated about what tasks Big Brother was going to set, and then how we thought we'd done in each of them, and who was likely to get evicted in the lunch break. I was the only man, by the way. As it was, after a very nice table loaded with sandwiches, I was one of the three given their marching orders, and was quite relieved to be free after arriving at the gate over 4 hours earlier at 8.45am, a time I only saw previously when I either hadn't gone to bed yet or someone had died suddenly.

Well, that was hardly a current diary entry, but coming full circle Big Brother is currently on in the celebrity version, and as the end of series party is on a Sunday when I'm normally elsewhere I may not bother to go, and actually feel far less interest in the alleged celebrities than the normal housemates who are just like anyone I could meet normally. I have learned so much about people from watching the programme over the years, and now actually value every new person I meet as I realise how many of the people who arrived on day one and seemed faceless and boring (Scott would be a good example) actually turned out to be pretty interesting once you'd spent 10 weeks getting to know them. Now I value everyone new I meet as I see how everyone you come into contact with becomes part of your life, even if you never see them again. And of course, if I remember them they may remember me. So I try and present myself in the best possible way as I watch some idiots on BB making an arse of themselves and know how easily it could be me doing that if I don't make an effort. That's the end of todays rambling sermon that somehow ended up in BB territory. Maybe that's real life and we're the goldfish in a bowl. It could all be one big joke...

Sunday, January 16, 2005

A possible theory

Having just met someone else directed to spiritual books because she was 'just directed to', and said everything seemed to be planned somehow, I realised that if I put the equation the other way round, if karmic coincidences have become far more frequent and clear, then of course more and more of us will notice. Like the fake number plates suddenly arriving in London once the congestion charge arrived, so I started noticing them because they were there, if 'the quickening' as some new agers call it is real, then quicker karmic results would be a major part of it.
As I said, I have abandoned all logic here to observation. I'm not a scientist, I only apply scientific method to my research. And all I did here was to observe, collect and present evidence. Of course there has to be an exponential effect in karma, as if I need a person to give me a particular experience, then the experience is also part of their karma etc. So my new friends here experiencing the same coincidences as me were then meant to tell me about it, as have all the other people I know. And I don't just go looking, people come and tell me without knowing I'm interested as well.

So if this observation was correct, it would actually mean something amazing- we are starting to realise our lives are being controlled and directed, plus those of us who are becoming aware of this are bunching together in groups to show each other this experience isn't just limited to our own lives, but apparently spreading, and pretty quickly. I've been busy with aliens, psychokinesis, out of body experiences and clairvoyance for the majority of my time researching as that's the sort of thing people tend to report the most. And now it's nearly all karma and coincidences!

Keep adding your comments, maybe I can keep the karma blog as part of this, (unless someone wants to start one for us all).

Friday, January 14, 2005

My greatest fears

Talking about all the stress in my life recently, I was telling Kendall about my fears about becoming involved in a transatlantic relationship, and explained something I'd never actually consolidated into an idea till then, which was the nature of my fears.

Basically it's being put in any situation where I am out of my depth, and not happy. The first memory I have of this was being in the infants school watching the kids in the junior school playground at around 7 and worrying whether I'd be able to manage the work there. A true Woody Allen in the making. Ever since, there have been situations looming ahead that I either didn't worry about and got on with, or did worry about and may not have even materialised. But as time goes on and I become far more aware of the situations I do not like or want, I have decided to do my best to simply not do them. This isn't always as easy as it sounds, as when you're already in one it's too late to take evasive manoeuvres. You can't always know what you're getting into, and like a quicksand you can start off in what appears to be a positive or harmless situation, and then see yourself up to your chest and fearing for your life (as you know it, at least).

Things I can and do avoid include residential courses (been there, done that, had enough), holidays I haven't actually chosen myself, staying overnight in places I don't want to, any job that appears too demanding, going to central London for more than a short time, and going to events like weddings. Of course half of these overlap with the agoraphobia, but added to the places are being hooked up with demanding people I can't always easily control. If they're not nice, I would both be unlikely to be with them at all, and if I was, have no fear of cutting them loose. But when it's nice people who are just becoming hard work for whatever reasons, it's bloody difficult, as I mentioned before. There are, like getting time off work, a few acts of God that would solve these problems for me, but I can't rely on or wait for them. But otherwise time alone doesn't solve these problems automatically, they just hang around like a bad smell. I'm sure there are people who either don't care who they hurt and have no concerns about avoiding conflict who can just tell other people to basically get lost, and others who are clever enough to have found a diplomatic solution. But I am in neither of these categories, and while I am currently pretty able to avoid the other situations on my list, all of which I have actually done to the state of being thoroughly fed up with, the ones that creep up and catch you unawares, until you find you're already in them are another one altogether. It's times like these that belief in God helps, not because the situations are ever solved, but somehow these people trust everything will be OK (like that's realistic!). Well though I am learning to stop imagining or expecting the worst, all I can do here is ignore the non-existent selection of futures and deal with whatever shit is here now, if there is any. At least it lessens the weight of the situation by putting it into its genuine perspective and not adding fears over its future as well. But if God, my guardian angel or any other other-dimensional being would like to solve my problems, please do. Otherwise it's either going to be waiting till my tolerance level breaks and I speak out, breaking many eggs in the process, or carry on as usual as I am. What wonderful prospects...

Here's another one

Well, I just found another blogger as well as T.O. and Stef who has entered the same stream of coincidences and karma as myself, and this is their major theme. I am also putting it on my favourite sites as my coming across it today seemed to be part of the process.

Maybe a group blog on karma would be next, so it could all be seen in one place and all the events added to see the bigger picture.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Current situation

Well, I have learnt one big thing recently, which relates to themes regulars will already have read. If I don't know what's going on behind the scenes, I imagine, and usually imagine the worst based on the tiny snippets of dubious information I do get. Therefore I had invented a complete scenario where the machinations going on based on the little I did know were mainly not in existence. The second lesson is apparently once we know a person, we can be connected and it has to be a lot worse for them to go than we think, thank goodness. As I said earlier, a number of people I'd partially given up hope on had all come back into my life one way or anpther, including a few I never expected to speak to again but contacted just in case, only to find a welcoming response. My negativity on another area has been removed.

Otherwise, I have been working quite a bit last week, hence my non-appearances online, and otherwise the other situations/people causing me stress are, as the nature of inertia states, continuing on and off. And because of my apparent karmic phases, they come in bunches so the people take it in turns to need me for one thing or another, when one stops it's not long before another takes over, and because I still have only one idea how to handle it which involves an event outside my control, it will probably carry on until I do work out how.
My business projects are continuing one way or another, I was just given a media contact for publishing my articles, though whether even that will elicit a reply remains to be seen. The fact that everything would have to stop and they'd have to plough through all this would explain any time between call and reply. I am now also writing Nick Roach's teachings on my forums for him, and actually feel incredibly honoured to be officially working with a master directly, and if there is karma, this has to be another karmic element.

Other bits and pieces. I saw another interesting number plate a second time, but parked this time so I could get an ID. The plate was the shortest I've ever seen, and was white on black, simply reading MT. It turned out to be a custom plate from Queensland Australia. They can choose the colour as well which explained the other confusing colour element, as Australian plates tend to be white. I also saw two definite fakes in a couple of days, another little bunching experience as it's been ages since I saw the last one. How the owners knew both had picked international formats that didn't exist beats me, as there's only one book where you can work that out, and not many people own it. I hope they look at a traffic policeman in a funny way and end up getting deported when the police discover whatever it is they're trying to hide. This may seem boring to some, but I've collected number plates and car models all my life since having the I-spy number plate book at about 4, and the model car catalogues since I was about 1, allowing me to learn every model in it by 2 or 3 (my parents told me this, and I can remember). Once British plates went 'Euro' in 2001 I happened to find a secondhand book of number plates of the world, and made my interest international. The arrival of the London congestion charge 2 years ago produced the flurry of fakes I started seeing at the time, and thanks to a lack of interest by the police are still being produced consistently.

To sum up, currently I am in neutral. Most of the big bad stuff is over (with the stress in the background for now) but all the projects for success are in such early stages I can only look in the now as I see nothing ahead. Now is quiet at the moment, but fine. Also as I've worked quite a bit I don't feel guilty having a couple of days off. I can but hope one or more of my major projects gets a major breakthrough as it is time I had something really good happen. And of course the celebrity big brother ends next week, so I should have another party to report on.

Saturday, January 08, 2005

Read and learn (relationships)

Having to witness the possible breakup of a friend's (diabolical) relationship, I was reminded to talk about my own knowledge of this area, to help anyone who hasn't learnt how to handle this situation we nearly all encounter fairly regularly.

Basically, it comes down to one point. People can't really hurt you in a breakup long term. Simple as that, but I shall of course explain. In my distant past I was madly in love with two gorgeous girls both 2 years older and about 6 inches taller than me. Of course they didn't give a damn about me and I was totally cut up and didn't know what to do. I realised pretty quickly I couldn't survive very long in this state after a rejection as I could see it was going to happen over and over again, so I had to develop a coping strategy for it. This was my personal one, but since then (over 30 years) I have literally been treated as badly as possible by women I did and didn't love, and my strategy works. Perfectly. No damage, we are not attached (as Buddha says) or dependent (as counselling says) on another person for our survival. No bloody way Jose, don't let anyone con you into believing it, it's honestly total bollocks. Whatever takes place prior to marriage can be applied to my rule, and only because I haven't been married can I not test it on a divorce situation or similar.

Basically, my personal rule you can all learn is the '24 hour rule'. After a breakup or rejection, we feel like shit. That's a given. But how long should the loss of another person (who we didn't even know existed before we met them) ruin our lives for after they're gone? A month? A year? Why? You feel the same continually if you let the idea take hold you actually needed this person. You have no idea how long it will last and have no means of removing it if you believe this to be true. I didn't, as I couldn't bear it for more than 24 hours, didn't analyse it or think about it for too long as it was a simple insight and a matter of my own immediate survival. And it worked. So I won't try and explain why, how, or whether God or Allah inspired me as I neither know or care, like how my TV works. It just worked, and has ever since.

Anyone who has seen an earlier post will see around 40 ex-girlfriends, who more or less evenly decided both ways who would break up. I was in love with a few, but though the pain may have been far stronger when things went wrong the rule still worked. This leads to the bigger point. I have been (mentally, not physically- I believe any physical violence in a relationship is terminal, but that's only my opinion) mistreated in every possible way by women, though new ones do think of new methods of torture previously not imagined. And you know what, though it feels like hell at the time, it passes, resolves (usually in the inevitable breakup as such problems don't tend to occur in good relationships) and the effects wear off. I still have both my arms, both my legs, and better still, all my sanity. And that's why I'm here typing this now. Few people believe this!!!

Most people tell me they're somehow 'damaged' by the way previous partners treated them. Why? Most relationships involve a power struggle, and that leads to conflict with many people. But permanent scars? If that was true, my etheric body would look like a skating rink with all the scars. But it's perfectly intact, as are yours. Because we aren't really damaged by relationship problems after the event. At the time, they hurt, of course. But that's it.
Let me give my examples to conclude and then trust me, as what you'll be risking is feeling better, no more. You have nothing to lose but your beliefs learnt by the media and other people you know. If they make you hurt and shy away from new relationships to avoid the pain, then that's a lot to lose, and it's all excess baggage you never needed in the first place.

I have: Been in love with someone who wouldn't let me touch them though we went out for 4 months (if you know what I mean). She then told me (before I was going to propose shortly) she'd been in love with another man for a year or so and only went out with me as her mother didn't approve and wanted her to try others (ie myself). I was a guinea pig. I then said I was planning to propose, and she said 'So, loads of people have done that' and that was it. Until a week later she said she'd had an argument with her mother and could she rent my spare room? As the money and reliability compared to other unknown tenants was useful, I put my feelings on the back burner and accepted. Almost a year of seeing her and hearing about her (average 3 at a time) boyfriends before we finally argued so often she left. I was still in love with her every day she was there, and you know what? The day after I let her go and that was it. End of. Like waking up from a dream. Why? Not because I'm special, but a) I practised for ages to get to that level, and b) I knew relationships can't hurt you after they finish.
That was the second worst example, the worst was so because it was mutual, and I did lose something, not nothing. In the first I was treated like shit, and suffered for well over a year every day, and I consented to it as I believed it was good for me to rather than wimp out and lose a year's rent money or get a crook instead. The second was the exact opposite. I met a relative angel many years before, and gradually realised she wasn't a soppy little girl (best looking I'd been out with though) but a very nice, clever, understanding person who understood me totally, and I could say anything to and be understood, accepted and loved for it. How rare is that? See how important understanding is to me as I deliberately emphasised it three times. I discovered a true mutual relationship existed after a 4 week holiday break where we'd both been unfaithful (message here as well guys) and both admitted it as soon as we met back, and realised we'd now both discovered we wanted each other, and that had tested it for us possibly. I can always look back on that with Vivienne (maybe she'll read it now!!) and know what a relationship should be like. No wonder people get married if they can maintain that long term! So two weeks after our reunion, when things had just begun to get really interesting, for various reasons, her mother banned her from seeing me. That was it. End of, and I hadn't even 'done anything'(major)! I was about to, but as we were late we had to stop, so I even knew I was definitely going to. Crap!!!
I had my rule, I used my rule, I had everything potentially before, and lost everything in a stroke. All the elements of tragedy, everyone has their version but it's no competition, all these mutual split ups are equally bad, and I survived, regrets of course, but NO SCARS!

I can't prove I'm right for you, you'll have to try it yourself to test it, but I can say it's true for me, and we're all human and designed the same. I just learnt a technique and practised it like any other, and it worked. It will always work because it exploits the truth. Everything else you believe on this is imaginary, as it's based on a belief you 'must be hurt permanently'. And how does that feel? Bloody awful, I bet. So that is what you can lose, any move towards that is a profit, so don't just take my word for it, try it, it's got to be better than the other way!

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

All the latest news

Well this apparent karma stuff is getting really weird. Since deciding (like there was any choice?) to see life as a series of connections, I have been able to read it and even affect it as well by changing my attitude.

So this past week has been a balance between new success from my new attitude, and old crap left over from before that is not going to go away with time, but I'm being apparently tested to learn to deal with the really 'heavy stuff'. Well I am truly fed up with this, the responsibility of having phone calls all hours of the day and night (literally, though I don't take them if I'm in bed) like being on call, from people I know who I like but can't live to look after on a random basis, is starting to drive me batty. The only way I can imagine dealing with it would be an 'all-or-nothing' tree-felling operation, which I'd rather not do, I really just want to tell everyone I'm not here to use all my spare time mentally and physically supporting you. That, to me, would probably offend most enough to have the same effect as telling them to get lost. So my current second-best approach is to hope their problems will go with time and they'll go off leaning on me and find other things as well to do instead. This has worked in the past but the trouble is you never know how long it's going to take, and the karmic element is that at the moment this is happening for about 4 people at once. As soon as the phone goes down it's off again, as Kendall can confirm as she sees me on the webcam with the phone constantly being answered. Any advice will be welcome (my readership isn't logged here for some reason, but the recent lack of comments isn't too promising...).
Well there's the negative karma, it is almost too much for me at times as though it's stopped right now (like ten minutes ago...) it's around and unless I actually get a job, which will solve one lot of problems and create another, I can't see anything else happening to get me off the hook without causing too many waves.

On the positive side, my new attitude of starting to expect the best (as I used to for many years) has paid off, and driven my knowledge of karma to another level, that is personally directing it as well as simply witnessing its operation. In a week or two, a total of six people I'd semi written off are now back in my life (I haven't seen any yet but that may follow). Three arrived out of the blue, one family returned (to my mother, but I hope I may follow) after around a 20 year gap! The other three I was inspired to contact, and all were nice, and even pleased to hear from me! Unfortunately the ones who made arrangements, in their usual way have instantly then cancelled them (like giving you a cake and then sneezing on it) but that's not important as it's only a short term hiccup now.

To sum up, 2005 has started on a positive note, but as soon as the 'working week' arrived after the holidays, the stress and crap started to creep in, and living alone it's probably a lot harder just taking it time and time again without being able to talk about it. So doing this helps, but not only having someone else here to talk about things but also talk about their stuff to take my mind off it would protect my sanity no end. And all fears and worries buzz around my head uninterrupted by anything else when I'm here on my own. So Kendall, for one, gets it all in a bunch, and doesn't deserve to be the butt of my own inability to share my problems on a regular basis by getting them all dumped on her in one go. As Kendall is one person I know reads here, I'll add my idea that of course karma is universal, and my karma is her karma where it affects here, and she must have issues to work out that will best be learnt through me. Easy is the one word that doesn't apply to karmic growth. The theory is unless we take it damn seriously we won't need to learn new skills to change ourselves. So the situations are made as innocuous as possible without being ignored, so we'll notice them, but only become more serious if we still ignore them, till we are forced to act. This isn't my teaching, it's the stuff I've read, makes absolutely no scientific sense at all, butseems to work incredibly smoothly once I saw it operating.

Therefore currently I've managed to handle conflict (plenty of opportunities in 2004, finally learnt to cope with). Now I'm being given situations where I am sacrificing my own time and sanity to help others who need my help but at my expense, and though (after therapy!) I learnt to say no nicely to social invitations at last, I have now to learn to say no to friends who need me in my own time. We all have to do this at times, but I never learnt that one and couldn't of course do it naturally. My article writing should be able to soon coalesce all my karmic experiences into more of a whole book at this rate, and whether or not karma can be proved, tested, explained or not, if this is happening to me and people I know, I'm going to try working with it as long as it does. I hope to God a week from now (though I'd prefer a day) this lot can be resolved, as I am beginning to suffer. The weight is just piling up and becoming a bit heavier than I'd like to carry. But I don't want to put any down unless I can do so without breaking any of it. Pity I don't like holidays as I could do with a break...