Saturday, July 30, 2005

Getting things done

Sometimes even I find it hard to write here, repetition seems to be such a theme in my life I really don't want to impose it on anyone else unless i can find something new in it. But I like writing regardless so it's just going to be a challenge to see what I can drag from the depths to present to computerland.

I have got a hell of a lot done this week actually, I had the car serviced and it's still OK at nearly 13 (on Monday). I have now cut every part of the garden so for the first time I remember there's not one area left that needs doing. It didn't even take very long this time, particularly as I have all the electric tools working as well rather than doing it by hand which I often have done.

On the female front, I have formulated my mystery on Funtrivia, as I really can't believe how someone without any particular social handicaps should find it impossible to connect with just one woman they like. A number of women have said the same thing, so I know it's not me, but they were all unavailable. One odd thing was a woman I was almost set up with a few years ago who disappeared after she returned from Singapore turned up working where my grandma's staying. I'd never met her before, only seen a photo, and seeing her name badge and suddenly realising who it was was quite a revelation. God knows what she thought of me (though she did say I was different from my picture).

Financially I can see the effects of my lack of income, and I am, for the first time in my life, relying on a miracle to get me out of this one as there's sod all I can do, taking all my circumstances into account. I'll be able to manage for a while, but it won't be for ever, and I've literally never been in this position before since owning a house and having to pay all the bills. But I have enough abilities, it's just a question of finding someone willing to pay me for them. I'm building up a store of articles and paintings for a start, and though all the local shops I've offered to work in (familiar and easy work) have more or less laughed at me for trying, that's probably my best bet in the long run, as it has been before.
I never approved of marrying for money before, but at the moment, though I still don't take it into account when meeting anyone, it would really fix a lot now!

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Positive talking

I do notice the negative tendency of everything I say here and most other places, it's something I used to do and stopped, only to be revived years later. Apart from the cathartic effect of letting it all go free, it is a downer for people having to witness it as well, so I must retrain myself. There were various very sensible reasons for originally getting on that track, but it's become habitual, and as the major event that may have got me out of it may never happen, only I can fix it myself.

So it may slip back, but I'll try to leave out all the dismal stuff when I notice it and see if I start to feel better as well after a while as a result. I will try and focus on todays positives then, or leave out the negatives. As it happened I only started this as it was raining as I was going for a walk, and as a result I caught a phone call I'd have missed, did a few trivia quizzes and discovered a pile of new trivia in the trivia archive I rarely check out. Did anyone else know the video game Mario brothers was named after Nintendo's landlord? That's the sort of crap I thrive on, and the bonus is though many people regularly hear these sort of facts, like jokes, they forget them. Not me, a few go astray but the majority go into the infinite mental hard drive, to join every other I've picked up. What else did I do today worth mentioning? OK, I'll have to look elsewhere for data... I did look up a totally weird car number plate I saw the other day, it had a British format plate made on a German style with all the spaces in the wrong place, and the country ID was EU. I am a member of Europlate, the world plate collectors club, and have their books on world plate IDs. EU plates are all prefixed with EURO or similar, not mangled British formats. This, in a few months is apparently the third of a fairly new phenomenon. Following the flood of fake UK style plates that started to avoid paying the London congestion charge, there are now people making plates on foreign formats, vague Eastern European types with imaginary character layouts, and apparently having no problem when they register the cars to enter the country.
Terrorism, international crime and all the rest of activities flooding the country are going to be made a lot easier when people with fake IDs are able to enter Britain with cars impossible to even connect to a particular country let alone someone in it. I am hoping the EU one may be an unrecorded new format, but I do know special plates rarely reach many characters as so few people use them. So a 4 letter 3 number job is hardly likely to replace the previous 4 number jobs the EU staff use currently.

Anyway, at least you can see wherever I go, I've always spotted cars and car numbers, and when you consider how boring a trip round the North Circular is (especially when it was closed all afternoon, I was lucky to be just beyond the chaos) I can see a duff plate before the figures are legible. I saw a Smart car at the lights today with white Dutch plates front and rear. Apart from Luxembourg and bits of Southern Africa The Netherlands use yellow on both, except their new lorries. Why anyone over there would be able to get one put on a car is a mystery, as I don't think a country can issue any other format except its own. You get a good deal of idiots who come here from abroad and think it's really clever to go to Halfords and get them to make them on our style, thus appearing not to be a target for the occasional xenophobic policeman. But as far as I know you can only make a Dutch style plate there, and if their laws are the same as ours, it's now an offence to make an incorrect one as well as display one. So, that was a quick lesson on car number plates, the most interesting events in the last few days. Positive or negative? Depends if you're reading or writing about it...

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Sex and inspiration.

I shouldn't be writing this now, I have to be up for an appointment tomorrow but I'd miss my Monday night post. There's nothing to actually report since last time as it goes, but as I've been awake through the previous few days I'll look for some meaning in it, a bit like doing a palm reading.

I did play tennis today for the first time in a few years, my friend with the tennis court moved then and I switched my regular exercise to the gym. It was good to play again and I was actually better than I was before after having a long break. I've just sent an article off for a new magazine that's out soon, and though it's also about personal matters as I usually write about, it's also about enlightenment and I decided to have a go on that for a change, I hope they actually like and use it. Now and again I write about people I know here where only they could recognise themselves, and the number of times they vanish after I've written something about them only to discover they don't even read this still never fails to shit me up nonetheless. I don't want to offend anyone though, and would say exactly what I do here to them if the subject came up. But being direct is such an un-British (and probably nowadays un-human) thing it's ridiculous saying anything personal is liable to offend people even though it's positive. For instance, (this tends to be a female thing in my experience), women tend to be offended if an unattractive man likes them. It's as if there's something wrong with them if someone is interested in them who isn't up to their standards. What a crock of bullshit!

One day when their teeth have started to migrate and they have more lines on their face than London has tube lines even the fat local shopkeeper with the BO would be a welcome admirer. For God's sake women, learn to value any interest while you have it, it may not last for much longer. Women, on the other hand, tend to so rarely indicate to a man they are 'wet' for (I listen to women's conversations...) they even know they're there it's hardly surprising some men almost become stalkers when a woman ever lets on she likes him even a little bit. I think this is more a cultural glitch than genetic, as 'being a tart' is so strongly ingrained in most women's minds and hearts, they'll do anything they can to appear a lady and not look like she may actually even be able to experience an orgasm. Well, let me put the record straight, we're all the goddamn same! Men get erections, women get erections (OK, you need a surgical team to find them, but they do!), what's the fucking harm in admitting women get horny in front of mixed company? What will the men think? The aliens have landed? Give me a break, they'd think their lives had finally begun!

Women have maintained the 'I choose who invades my body' mystique for so long now that the dysfunctional beliefs on both sides continue to provide myself and thousands of other counsellors a constant stream of work. It needn't be that way. If women get off their high horses (another way I hear they prefer to be pleasured), and get a little closer to our randy, up-front level, the crime rate alone would plummet. Think about it, sex is neither an unhealthy (if done carefully) or restricted commodity. It doesn't run out if we use it, it doesn't cost us anything to do it, and it doesn't show we're nasty dirty people if god forbid we admit we enjoy it, and possibly even more than anything else!. Well, I am shocked, God in all his wisdom created both sexes with a sex drive, and would not have given us a drive second only to our wish for survival if he wanted us to pretend it wasn't there!

How modern culture, catholicism and Queen Victoria (to mention the worst culprits) managed to turn our greatest gift into a recipe for chaos has to be reversed before we can make the slightest return to a happy and calm society. I'm certainly not just speaking about my own dreadful luck (though it's part of the picture) but this is aimed at every other man and woman who's had an unnecessary disaster because one or the other couldn't be straight about birds and bees, and for women not to see themselves as the superiors when it comes to the bargaining process. The age of post-feminism hasn't quite arrived but I'll fight all I can to speed up that day.

Saturday, July 23, 2005

False starts and false dawns

I was going to write another of my lists, and then thought, hang on, this is a blog, people apart from me won't want to read these bloody things. Never mind, I'll make the same point without the usual pile of evidence...

Basically, when I talk about my eggs in the nest it means every project I've started until a result happens good or bad. I was wondering if it was typical of every project, big or small, so few ended in success. The difference between exams and life is at least we get infinite chances to try in life, and there's always a chance one attempt will work. Also because I haven't got a stable family life to come home to like most people do (except the few that prefer to be alone) I have to rely on the much less likely highlights to make life fun than just get on with it like I used to when I was part of a family.

This week made me aware of it, as even when stress does go away, I'm just left with a desert more or less. It amazes me that someone can find so much to do every day on their own (OK, there is the internet to fill very large gaps) as when I was first in this position when I left school at 16 and had to wait 6 months to go into college all my friends were still there every day, and I got thoroughly fed up with nothing to do. That was when I had two offers to stay abroad for a few months, the first and last time I was prepared to do so, and the first, Australia, was reversed when my cousin there got here first and put me off the whole idea (no idea why...?). I was then offered the chance to stay with a family in Israel, which sounded fine, and as I related here already, until after five days sleeping on various friend's and relative's floors, discovered the family I was due to stay with had buggered off abroad for a family funeral and there was basically nowhere for me to stay. The following 8 years were so crammed with exams, though I got a 3 week trip to the States in half way through that period, I couldn't manage any more, and after looking for a job in Devon without any success my incentive for spending time abroad had gone by the time I finished my full time studies. A few months abroad would have been an experience I could remember that would have allowed me to relate to two totally different cultures without ending up as I am, so totally centred on north London.

Anyway, the point was, this week reminded me of 1976 when though I had little I had to do, there was little I could do either. Nowadays I have my painting, writing and music to keep me busy, but conversation is the superior occupation for me and that's pretty well rationed at the moment. So my imagination naturally wanders to better times, lost possibilities, and ambitions with little ability to control. I have prepared an article for a new magazine Nick Roach is writing for and pointed me towards, and I have long enough to mix and match topics so they should have something usable before the deadline arrives in 4 weeks. I also have to book a meeting with someone who runs an art gallery to see if he wants to use my paintings. I can turn out a 6X4 painting in less than a day, and if they like them I'll at least be usefully occupied for a while ahead. Finally on my list of possibilities is hearing from Tatjana B. after 37 years or so, for all I know the address I found for her brother wasn't even the same person, I remember the elation when I first joined friends reunited and found the name of my first girlfriend Melissa Nelson in Blackheath. I couldn't believe it, I'd fallen out with her in 1972 (my fault), and last spoke to her around 1977 before she moved, and she sounded a total misery at the time. I got a reply saying 'Oh, you got me mixed up as well- we were both at the same dentist and he got our notes mixed up as well.' Turned out they even had the same middle names and both had fathers in the navy. Bloody hell! I still haven't found her, so if someone reading this in New Mexico or BC happens to have met her on holiday in Italy or South Africa then I may find out where she is again. Or not... As I said, another false start.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Have a laugh

Me in 1968 Posted by Picasa

This is the picture I sent to the Blacher's as I was when I met them in 1968, nice to see all that hair again...

Latest news

Well, I'll start with the good news, all the tests are now back and my grandma's fine now. Not a bug or organ damage in sight. I am so relieved after the doctor said a few real nasties were possible a few days ago. She's going to a convalescent home for a couple of weeks on Friday, which should allow her to go home without a carer, which she never wants again after the last one (who seemed fine to me, but it was more a matter of principle).

I've just been watching Paul Mckenna treat a woman with agoraphobia, the full version where she hadn't been anywhere really for 5 years. She was able to go to London and Piccadilly Circus after a few treatments, which I found very impressive as a long term but mild sufferer myself. Only tablets worked for me so far, but the effects lasted a couple of years after coming off them. Mine is more an exlusive type, ie I'm fine except for places on my 'list' (which does vary depending on times), as opposed to her inclusive, which included everywhere outside the house. This is just a severe version of mine, an extension of the list until it includes every situation. My theory is if you can find a partner with the same type of problem you can both keep away from these places together and not, as the couple in the programme found, hold the other back. Just a theory...

I also managed to get through very easily to James Whale on Talk Sport to ask him to check out skygong (as I'd promised Skylord), and if he was to take up the offer it may spread the word my side of the Atlantic as well. She can be found on Skylord's page and the treatment I had (the 10 minute sample) is free and lasts permanently. I have also written a letter to Tatjana Blacher after tracking down an address, I found another bunch of photos and considering I hadn't seen her for about 36 years as (for unknown reasons) I didn't have any photos myself, brought back some pretty amazing memories. My mum now says she drew a picture of her, so she's digging that up for me to see as well. I'm not sure how but they all spoke very good English even then though they've always lived in Germany. I just hope I don't get a reply of 'Gey avek in d'r erd' or 'Gey schlug zi kopf on vant' (OK, that's Yiddish, but if a German told me to bury myself or bang my head against a wall I'm sure it wouldn't be that different).
I was also sent a link to a new magazine on therapy and spirituality, which is what I write on already, asking for volunteers. I sent a quick resume, and it'll be great to have another outlet for my writing, though I haven't a clue what to write so far besides borrow some topics from my booklet I wrote 10 years ago. I daren't write a thing about enlightenment as I only know what I've been taught by people who do know.

On a similar subject, the filming is due to finish on the Discovery TV series next month, and having dreamt about being on TV for half my life, just one more month to possibly hear the official schedule seems like very soon. I did have many dreams about being on Big Brother around the time of Jon Tickle in 2003, and totally unexpectedly found myself meeting a series of housemates, followed by a film crew a year later, so I hope my present dreams of numerous TV appearances will be equally prophetic. No one really knows where our ambitions come from, but I've had this one a very long time, and it just seems they're part of our personality as much as based on anything we've experienced later on in life, as there was never any particular event that started me off on it, and expect many other people with burning ambitions picked them up out of the blue.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Day off

Apart from the bare minimum of work, I had absolutely nothing on today, business or pleasure. I've already been told how sinful that is, but as my old friend Mark said, if you can get away with it, why would you do anything else? I learnt from an expert (I also caught my interest in gold jewellery from the same person).

On the plus side, though I was prepared for anything around the house, there was hardly anything else to do besides mow the lawn (not today). So after nearly 10 years here, it was the first time I've had a day free and there was no urgent housework to be done. And once it's clear it's a lot easier to keep it like that rather than get it that way in the first place. I did read and clear 75% of my Hotmail though, from 4% to 1% full, which was very satisfying, so yet another online activity has taken over from the real version. No suggestions for the next one please.
I also spoke (OK, none of my comments were passed on) to Vanessa, the latest evictee from the BB house who was in a chatroom for an hour after the show. She said life in the house wasn't all it's cracked up to be, and pretty stressful, and I thought however I hated the idea of spending so long there myself (hence my refusal to audition) in comparison spending all day here is getting more or less the same. Apart from a quick walk to get some food, I had no reason to go anywhere else, so I didn't waste my time going anywhere for the sake of it.

Apart from the day here, I'd been writing in a few places online about the nature of heaven and hell this week, and then found Nick Roach had just written a piece on his website summarising more or less the same view I had, that it's all here now, with a bias to hell. He phrased it as God and the Devil, with a bias to the devil, which I'd say was almost telepathic. Is God the Devil?.
The only difference is he has personal experience of God which I don't, though it's impossible for anyone enlightened to prove it.

On that point, there are many clues to the existence of what I'd interpret as God. These would mainly come under sexual and meditation experiences. The sex would be what I'd see as a bridge between the physical and spiritual worlds, and meditation can show us states of consciousness comparable with something of a divine nature. I have of course personally experienced both of these, and would say the similar force I felt with both would be a connection with that that religions would call God, and is definitely not a 'person' in the way we'd define it, though any force responsible for a design would have to have a consciousness as well as an energy. The platonic person I mentioned asked if I believe in God, and I told her what I said here, and thought that sex with her may almost prove to me God exists for sure as she is one of the best I've seen. So many women leave you missing something when you do it, knowing it should be better, and she's one where this wouldn't happen. And I've been in touch with this awareness all my life, for whatever reason I can't say as it was there as long as I can remember. So 45 years of refinement have allowed me to spot women with this quality very easily now, but whichever aspect of God Nick Roach calls the devil has decided to turn these very women against an interest in me unless something else stops it being fulfilled. The ultimate level of attitude is to not care about having anything or not, but enjoying it if you do get it. It's called non-attachment, and based in Buddhism. It's also behind Star Trek's Vulcans, and they spent generations learning how to reach these levels, though Gene Roddenberry has apparently taken it too far as they appear not even to enjoy anything either.

Meanwhile, I aim to follow the same Buddhist and subsequent teachings as feeling bad unless you have whatever it is you don't is not a useful way to be, and however against my human nature it is it's worth following as the goal is such an improvement on the existing state. All I do is watch the emotions I so dislike and am taught this will reduce their energy (as I'm consciously separating myself from them) until they finally grow weaker and may eventually die as they did with Nick. So basically it won't get me a girlfriend, but it can stop me giving a shit, and that's something.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Not even trivia

Not a lot to report in the last few days at this end. My grandma's still in hospital, as they keep finding new problems which though we were told can be sorted out are keeping her pretty under the weather at the moment.

Otherwise I'm opening the box here and just seeing what appears, as if someone else is writing it, as I frequently do. I will say I've noticed recently all but one of my comments have dried up. I know I often read blogs and only comment on a few, but I do wonder what else I could write about to liven things up besides what's actually happening. The old regulars have mainly stopped posting on theirs, so there's nothing to return on, but I've made sweeps of others, particularly in London, with not a bite since the first time (and that was basically 'how did you find my blog?'- and this from someone with an education...).
Blogger has gone peculiar on its profile search function. It used to list recent posters first until it got to the people with profiles and nothing else. Then it decided to split lists in two, and half the familiar names didn't show up until I searched again. And then they just showed bloggers in no order, with pages of 'posts 0' before I could even find something to read. And I still haven't found how to list the damn favourite blogs down the side like everyone else has. I suspect it needs HTML and I'm not up for website designing, or I wouldn't have 4 ready-made sites up.
I hope a fellow blogger may help on these technical points, I usually just try and remember the selected blogs to return to but it would be a lot easier to list them here.

Technically, as far as my 'personal growth' is concerned, I am gradually shifting into an awareness where I don't project into the future and try and wait till something happens first before thinking about it. The fact there's been fuck all ahead has actually helped and now I should be able to do it quite easily regardless. It's worth doing for everyone as it's of no practical help at all to imagine the future. It's a habit most of us assume is unavoidable until we're told it isn't. It also means not worrying about when I'm going to meet the next woman, and any other nebulous thought that I couldn't control the outcome of. Instead I try and use the time I have to the best I can, doing the garden, painting and next I'll be learning how to play Abba properly from the music I just bought rather than by memory, which isn't going to be good enough for anything that complicated (believe me, it is).

Nothing's changed on the outside, but I am beginning not to care at last, that's all there is. I am going to call one woman who has serially ignored me since I said I wasn't overjoyed to be saved by Jesus, just in case I can build a friendship without that as a blockage. I thought of every single (as opposed to taken) woman I knew and she was the only civilised one left who hadn't blown me out totally, ie there was just a single thread left to hang onto.

Finally (this could easily be a separate post but I'll say it quickly), I am amazed how so many bloggers are news focused. The news since I was born and long before is a rehash of the same stuff which until the aliens land is not new or surprising. It would be surprising if it didn't happen, and apart from local London issues and the oil price doesn't affect me or 99% of the other observers. A diary is personal, so I write about my life here. If anything in the news affected me, it would be included. I may comment on it from time to time but it's just not usually worthy of comment. Global warming affects me as the shits that flood the media with scare stories have put our taxes and energy prices on a meteoric rise, and as people with little probes measuring every aspect of world temperatures, combined with a history of extreme climate swings have between them shown this theory to be a political fraud, and as I have spent years digging up the data to prove it I have to put it anywhere it'll be read. But news? I'm sure I said already I one read a paper at my grandparents house and thought 'wow, every crap story is contained in this paper, it's why I watch Ceefax every day and cringe'. I then saw the paper was about 30 years old.

The little news snippets we just had where the combined minds of science and industry had just managed to discover a) aspartame may be harmful and b) speed cameras may not stop accidents just highlights the sadness I view society in general. When my cat could have told everyone both these things had she been able to find an interpreter, and not have waited ten years to do so as these boffins have. One glass of aspartame-rich squash told me all I needed to learn in an hour than any scientific study. My bladder almost felt like it was burning, and I knew exactly what did it. It even tastes metallic, and certainly not sweet in any sense of the word. It's an artificial chemical that I would imagine most animals would avoid if even a trace was put in any of their meals. So, because the law was changed allowing this shit into regular food and drinks as well as diet, this affects me as I have to trawl through bottle after bottle until I find the rare example without sweeteners.

The speed cameras is another joke. I, along with a million other drivers a month, know the location of every camera on the North Circular, and slow down and speed up every half a mile to stop being caught. But it's a safe road. Apart from the fact there are only a few hours a day when you can reach the speed limit, let alone exceed it, it's now a wide road with good visibility and junctions, and some stretches as good as any motorway but with a 40 mph limit. Anyone doing 40 on the Staples Corner flyover risks every lorry and coach driver, let alone taxis and local hooligans more or less driving you off the road. The flyover under it (there are three road levels) on the A5 is four lanes, and 30 mph, and anyone doing under 50 are liable to be rear-ended as few do less than that. Londoners tend to drive pretty well as the roads, like in Finland, are so damn dangerous you won't survive long if you don't. The speed most take is whatever's safe at the time. This is proved on 50-60 mph roads with one lane each way and serious bends where only someone with a Porsche or similar would risk going over 40. You drive at the safe speed at the time, and that can change for the same spot every few minutes. For reasons unknown, our country lanes where I rarely leave 3rd gear are still mostly 60 mph. A few local nutters approach this (and a few of my friends when I used to stay in Devon), but as you can't see what's coming and the bends are more like a roller coaster the blanket 30mph we have on roads in London beyond dual carriageways would be far better there. It's bad driving, usually by not concentrating, rushing or being lost that causes accidents. Going above a speed limit is usually because it's been chosen for average road conditions, not thinking about the times where it is actually safe to go a lot faster. People know the difference, they all passed a test and can't afford to wreck their cars, let alone their bodies, driving faster than experience tells them they can. It's an acquired awareness, like walking. Oh blimey, Ken'll read this now and we'll have a speed limit on our pavements next. Oh shit!

Saturday, July 16, 2005


Hampstead Garden suburb cottages Posted by Picasa

The second of my paintings of Hampstead Garden Suburb cottages.

I'm in love!

Tatjana Blacher Posted by Picasa

OK, technically I was in love- in 1968!

Let me explain...

My mum just went through a whole pile of holiday photos I possibly hadn't seen for 20-30 years, including Tatjana's father, the late composer Boris Blacher. The first Dartington Summer school of music we attended in 1968 (of 22 in a row for me, at least) was spent in a week in the next block from the Blacher family. Though I was only 8 (unless it was 1969) my 'love mechanism' was well turned on even then, and though it was a totally innocent friendship (like I knew anything else at the time...) she was truly amazing. She even invited me to spend the night with her, an experience I remember as if it was yesterday, and got me into a pile of trouble for disappearing without permission. I think I was on a bed right next to hers, and we were very close for the whole week. I'd completely forgotten about her as she was from Germany and I don't think ever returned while we were there again.

Anyway, of course the first thing I thought of doing was a google just in case. Her father of course raised a heap of musical entries, but when I tried her name (the 'j' in the middle appeared courtesy of the search feature) it turned out she was still in Berlin and a big time actress there! Of course she's aged a wee bit (a lot better than I have) but that's definitely her! There was a black and white picture as well which was far more like the girl I remembered, but I preferred to show her here in colour (it makes more of her hair). But what memories- amazing to think of some of the people we meet who could have led to so much more had they lived nearby, unless it is in fact all planned somehow. To keep the Harry Hill theme going, 'what are the chances of that happening?'. Pure nostalgia.

Friday, July 15, 2005


I had a completely free day today from beginning to end, and managed to fill it all productively, which makes a bloody change. As the weather was so good I managed to stay outdoors for a while and stay off the bloody computer, and I'd also worked out a few things to do in advance yesterday to stop me from pissing the day away playing mahjong and making clever comments on a selection of forums.
The good news is they just removed the tumour from grandma's kidney, and she's recovering in hospital. Apart from that at 95 her health is still good and has more or less got over her recent fall which had her in hospital for a month as she couldn't get around.

So apart from that, the trivia was all I had today personally. I did some gardening, which where I live is never going to be enough as the back garden's on a corner (well, next to one) which means it doesn't back on to another house and goes on for miles till it meets another garden fence. It's been cleared of half the bushes the previous residents planted for 'privacy and seclusion', which also meant no light and the possibility of blocking access completely to the garage door and 3/4 of the garden beyond. But the stuff that's left has just made up for whatever I removed, and fills any space I cleared within a fairly short time. Though I tried gravelling one area, which reverted to grass within the year, I'd never concrete the lot over as it would then become a yard and I may as well be living on an estate with no garden at all.
I also painted my second of possibly many more Hampstead Garden Suburb roads, I already made an album of 6X4 photos I'd taken of it a while ago, and now pick out a nice one each time to copy in watercolour, and the first only took me a few hours. I'll scan the next one tomorrow once it's dried enough to finish the corrections, and then I'll bite the bullet and try and sell them to the gallery who started me off on the project to begin with as they have a pile of cards already of the area. I don't really mind if they take them or not, as I'm happy with them anyway, but a commercial outlet is always useful as well.

Other than that I had to stay in a good few hours to watch the Open golf on TV, the last bastion of public major sport on TV. I had to pay for Sky anyway as otherwise I'd miss everything else, but of course if you want to visit someone who hasn't got it it doesn't help if you want to watch it there, does it. As I spend a large slice of the week at family with the TV on, I'm aware how little actual use having Sky at home is as I'm sure most people watch half their TV elsewhere and have to rely on whatever their friends and family have chosen to pay for (or not, as in everyone I know bar one). A new cat arrived in my garden today, who I heard long before I saw as I heard a familiar bell ringing outside, only my cat Lucy had long since ditched her collar with one on. He looked exactly like Felix in the ads, and wondered if I'm now actually living near a celebrity, but after a few minutes sitting in the front garden minding his own business, Lucy, who had been watching him intently through the window, and I hoped she'd ignore, decided to leave the house and in minutes had sent him packing up the road at about 50 mph. So much for getting on with the neighbours...

Otherwise my social life is plagued by the evil of Platonism. Of course every man alive knows exactly what I mean by this. Talking to a female friend while barely concentrating on what they're saying compared to your fascination with what you'd like to be doing with their body. The cruellest mismatch of creation is the reliability with which women latch on to men for friends where the man is crazy about her and she has absolutely no interest in him physically or emotionally. It's almost a rule of nature it's so consistent. And of course you can no more make yourself fancy a man as a man can stop fancying you. It's chemical, not a mental decision. What a bloody farce. And the power trip they go on once they suss out how you feel, talking about how they really aren't interested and can't you keep your mind on higher things etc., rubbing it in even more. They actually seem to get more pleasure from this power than they would having sex anyway. Is it no coincidence that every woman I've ever met who thinks and acts like a man (ie let's do it for fun and then if we like each other could go out together) looks like one. I suppose it's the only way they've learnt to get it as if they just sat back and waited like the rest nothing would ever happen. But it doesn't even seem a learned reaction, these women just have no inhibitions. But unlike bad things, it's not catching. Like the feminists, most women believe, consciously or more often subconsciously they've got something valuable to protect, and will only share it with someone who has gone through the labours of Hercules.

Other than all that, I went to see the last day Harry Hill was filming yesterday, and discoverd he'd written the programme, hence his attention to the production side rather than performing, but the plus side was it did give me the chance to go and talk to him again, and he took me on set to watch a scene till a heavy moved me off again. John Thompson from The fast show (among others) was the only person I recognised in it, I was never particuarly impressed with him, and after sitting on the grass giving me a dirty look I said 'I'm your one man studio audience' (I was the only one watching at the time) in case he thought I might be a terrorist hanging around, which was returned with a look of complete revulsion. Unlike Mr Hill he was not a gentlemanly type, and did not apparently give a shit (or two?) about his public. The show itself was a pilot mickey take of East Enders, I have to say when it comes to these type of shows I far preferred Stella Street, but hopefully when I see it Harry's personal humour will show through and overcome the sheer horrendousness of East Enders whether it's the real thing or a funny version. I could never see anyone making a public execution funny, and would put East Enders on a similar level.

Well, that was all deliberately collected to be the blog equivalent of what's left on the floor of a budgie's cage. But at least I was pretty well occupied today in a productive way for a change, though apart from bumping into a neighbour for a few minutes didn't speak to another soul. That's not just Kingsbury, that's London. That's the only bit that's wrong about East Enders, there isn't a community spirit in London any more like that, and if you actually go to the East End, those sort of people haven't lived there for about 30 years, they now all live in and around Essex. But why worry about accuracy when they're only there to entertain... oh...

Thursday, July 14, 2005



This is a quote from David Icke's books on one very tidy way a government could introduce otherwise horrendous laws in the name of security. The formula goes as follows:

1) The government want to introduce a law to repress the community, but would never get away with it.

2) If something awful happened the community would want new restrictions to stop it happening again, so 'someone' makes such an incident happen, and the people call for action.

3) The previously unthinkable law is introduced, with the full blessing of the community, as the government's unfortunate but unavoidable response to prevent such a disaster happening again.

Of course, though no one has yet provided any proof a government has done this (like they would get a chance...), it would be a very plausible method of allowing unscrupulous governments (do I really need to use the word for any specific ones or would it descibe them all?) to get through nasty oppressive laws for whatever reasons they feel it would help them (not us).

So when I read yesterday Charles Clarke is now planning to change the law to allow the government agencies to read all our emails and tap all our phone calls as a result of the London bombing it fit this formula perfectly.

Read all our emails? Such an infringement of human rights would have been unheard of before 911, let alone tapping every phone call, which virtually needs almost a judge in court to approve a single instance. Well, it used to. And now, suddenly, it's to be an open season.

Imagine in reverse, the government wanted to bring in this act for their own nasty reasons, and knew in normal circumstances they'd end up along with the National Front if they put it up as one of their official policies. So they do the usual, sound reasonable and promise many things they never intened to do (I won't try and prove that here, but many have before me), get voted in, and then have 5 years to make anything happen they have the resources to bring about. Don't ask me why they would do this, again, I leave that to the conspiracy theorists, but the wacky world of David Icke and others has just overlapped with my own reality and something has to be pointed out to tell people about it. Just thinking of my own emails and phone calls, I wouldn't ever be arrested but I could sure as hell be committed, and that's just me. What do you think they'd learn from yours?
But it sure put the shits up me seeing the almost instant response in the newspapers without a word of opposition, where a week ago such a policy would have led to a mutiny. They'll get away with this one 100%, and what if they had planned to bring it in before the recent election? Just an idea...

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

You got to have a system!

Any other fans in the UK or elsewhere would recognize this catch phrase instantly, which, in my opinion, combined with Harry Hill's other two, ('I don't make the rules' and 'What are the chances of that happening?') could possibly apply to virtually every situation in life.

The reason I say it is simple. Last week my grandma had a leaflet put through her door saying the great man would be filming on the village green opposite her house for three days this week. Having missed seeing him when the only show I went to was cancelled, I was even more interested in going to watch, as they'd turned the whole area into a film set for a new series. They filmed the same 2 minute scene at least 8 times over an hour, but he wasn't in it. As I couldn't see him, I asked a member of the crew if he was actually there, and he showed me a monitor where three people were covered with a black sheet to keep the light away, and one was him. After a while he emerged, and in between takes I asked someone if I could get an autograph, and he came over and actually spent about 5 minutes talking, as well as signing the title quote in my little book. Some celebrities are just like you'd expect, and he certainly was, what a nice bloke. I'll go and look tomorrow in case he's actually in whatever scenes they're filming.

Becoming a celebrity is one of my ambitions, as it always has been, and unless it ever happens meeting others is as close as I can get. As it is, the total cretins who produce celebrity reality shows have now replaced the real ones with their friends and ex-lovers, as in Alex Best, Abi Titmuss, Rebecca Loos, Fran Cotton,and all the other bunch of totally useless wankers who had absolutely no other qualification for being there, and technically none full stop. Maybe if I meet enough of them I may be seen with one and asked along myself- that's the way it works now and bugger the talent aspect. I didn't want celebrity based on nothing though, as I have been performing since I was at school, and had to forgo the Equity actors' union route when I did my degree, as I could only concentrate on one course at a time. But I can always do the stuff if needed to, I have done the odd musical cabaret ever since but I'd prefer comedy to music as the practice involved in advance as a solo pianist, as well as the boredom of finding things to play for two or three hours takes most of the fun out of it. I could also do or talk about counselling on TV, as others already do, except I haven't actually been out with the producer (or worse).

On a list of the people I'd still most like to meet, Harry was actually top (as I'd already seen Patrick Stewart, though I didn't actually go and talk to him) followed by Ben Elton who is now top of the unseen list, but who now spends a lot of his time in Australia. Others I did see long ago were Frankie Howerd, saw Monty Python live (from the highest seats, so they looked like ants), so now there could be Bruce Forsyth and Michael Caine left, though I doubt they'll be hanging around the streets of suburban London nowadays. David Baddiel wasn't particularly on my list though I do think he's bloody funny, but I met (well, sort of) him some time ago at a local party, and he looked so thoroughly depressed I didn't dare go near him. He spent the evening looking into the distance with a few friends and didn't see him talk to anyone. Actually it's quite funny that someone so totally and explicitly Jewish has teamed up with the most extreme 'goyim' you could ever come across- Rob Newman and Frank Skinner. Maybe he believes that, even though he has picked two extremely talented sidekicks regardless, the total contrast may work in their favour.

Now if I had been his partner in comedy, it would have virtually been like looking in a mirror. The two introspective neurotic social misfits with persecution complexes. Mind you, the Marx brothers (and the three Stooges for that matter) had ready made comedy teams as all were brothers, though neither exploited the Jewish side of their acts, though any insider would notice it. Seinfeld on the other hand had a full Jewish comedy quota but the TV company refused to allow any other characters to officially 'come out' as it wouldn't appeal to a wider audience'(bollocks!). In fact apart from Kramer every character was Jewish and played Jewish. Every Jew on earth who watched it never once questioned the fact, and I would have thought anyone familiar with Jews would have picked it up pretty soon as well. Quincy was played by a Jewish actor, Jack Klugman, but what I loved about that show was the writers made every character including Sam and the black cleaning ladies talk the same as well, as they didn't realise it wasn't normal. So you'd get Sam reply 'Quincy, give me a break already, you'll give me a haemorrhage!' and the cleaning lady say something like 'Oh yeah, you should have my problems', all directly translated from Yiddish grammar and unobservedly turned into the whole script regardless of the backgrounds of the characters. Traditionally Jews have been performers, and mainly comedians and musicians. It's in our souls, and if Seinfeld had been allowed to become an openly Jewish programme, it could well have been even bigger, starting a whole Jewish comedy movement, and probably attracting a number of potential converts (don't bother, we don't usually do them!). Maybe that could be my destiny. To team up with David Baddiel and put on a series of totally Jewish based humour -they did very well with Asian humour in Goodness gracious me- that is definitely an as yet untapped potential. And apart from the 'Going for an English' sketch, the funniest Goodness gracious me one was where the son had converted to being Jewish. He did as good a Woody Allen as is physically possible, and I now wonder how anyone not Jewish could have portrayed it so accurately. Maybe there's something we haven't been told...

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Inner and outer worlds

The last couple of days have shown me in practice the message so many spiritual teachers give. Your happiness shouldn't depend on circumstances outside, but practising their teachings should gradually allow you to find your happiness regardless of whatever's going on outside.

Of course this process works all ways, depression happens despite circumstances improving, but it is interesting how sometimes a real disaster outside can stop before it hits your inner being. Technically we only interpret events outside to label them good or bad, based on our experiences of the past, when in fact they have no physical effect on us at all, so it should be possible to retrain ourselves not to be affected by them. Nick Roach's whole work is based on this principle, and yesterday it was demonstrated to me, when both my important areas, business and pleasure, had truly died and I was metaphorically shaking their ashes into the Welsh Harp reservoir. But after seeing a friend in the evening I felt fine. The outside events truly put themselves in the background where they were, replaced by what was happening in the present. Of course, once you've reached the level where you're connected with your inner peace all or most of the time this will be more or less unshakeable, with other emotions only being a minor ripple on the waves above.

I probably still have a million miles to go on my own level of awareness, but I use the tools I have to burn the rubbish inside as I'm told they can, and just thought I'd share one of the times I noticed I wasn't reacting to the outer circumstances. Ideally, the other things would help as well, I'm only human and no one wants to go bankrupt or be alone, but as one teacher I saw, Satyam Nadeen, became enlightened in a crowded prison cell, I'm a long way from that.

Dalek's door

dalek's door Posted by Picasa

If you look to the green window in the top left corner, it is in fact a door. In their mysterious wisdom, the electricity board built a sub station in Sunnyhill Park Hendon with a door designed for the new breed of floating daleks to use, as nobody else is going to be able to.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Other people

As the crux of life is success in business and pleasure, I had already tied down the true cause to 'other people's decisions' (having established we usually do our best to start with). This means doing our best is buying the lottery ticket in life, and other people make the draw.

In my case, business was really dealt with some time ago (at my age it bloody well should be!) so all I'm concerned about besides the current aggravation is other people's decisions that affect my pleasure. I will add the spiritual dimension is another source of pleasure to me, but one that is an internal path I now have all the tools to follow whatever happens on it. So I just thought I'd spend a couple of hours I had this afternoon to spare going into the details of the recent people who had fucked up my life with their decisions, not to mince words or beat about the bush. This is more of a form of therapy for me than anything to entertain, but I hope as always at least someone will also like reading it. After all, life is the same for all of us and this is just another story about life, a one man big brother really.

So, there is a list of both the friends I already mentioned whose decision to leave the country has put me in a position I wasn't prepared for, and then of course the single women I occasionally meet who (besides a couple I 'road tested' till fed up with) according to my own philosophy, couldn't really have been suitable as they all blew me out.

I have two levels of standard for a partner (comes with the desperation after a certain age) as I mentioned, those in the top division who are more or less all marriage material (more than you'd think) and those in the league, who are last resorts while nothing in division one is available. I don't think these definitions are that far from what most people settle for in practice.

As described, since my 20s there is no 'regular place' to go and meet as there used to be. I spent the next few years solidly using agencies with no success beyond one phone message one where I replied to an ad. I met numerous women in that time though, but mainly older than me and none that seemed to want any more than a friendship with me. But at least I tried. Since then the places I've met them have been totally random, and I could never plan a strategy of where to go now, as it had no pattern to it. Far better is learning a strategy of what to actually do on the times I do meet someone I like so they don't evaporate as soon as I start my existing strategy (which did work in the past so can't be so bad).

The good reason I chose to write this was my little batch of eggs has just broken completely, an egg being any single woman I'm currently after. I know that I either get a woman almost immediately or not at all (don't know why) so if I don't get them after the first meeting or two, it's clearly a non-runner. It just gives me something to do. I'm really laying out their details for myself to see if there's a pattern, and while I do share it with the blog community for that is why they're here.


(amended to avoid identifying anyone)

I have met two women through my UFO community (yes, like Star Wars and train spotting there is a UFO community, made up of researchers and experiencers), but it was my professional interest they wanted, and as soon as the old cock woke up both fled in horror.

Family staff. Both my mother and now my grandma have had foreign cleaners/helpers at some time, and nearly all are both bloody nice looking, single, and frequently well-educated. I have tried two Poles and a possible friendship with a Brazilian, but she was the one who only wanted to convert me to Jesus. It's a pity as I know this is a very rich vein of supply from other friends I know, and I did manage a German au pair years ago, but she was in the 'Macclesfield Town' position, to use my usual football comparisons.

The gym: Apart from the fact no one ever talks while they're there, there is a very nice collection of women, but as I've reported few are single, and the others remain a mystery. The one blind date from there was not a success, as blind dates rarely would be. I still go for the reason I'm meant to, and if by any miracle the right woman turns up I'll be celebrating. If I've still got my teeth by then...

Others: I do occasionally meet people in the same line of work as me, and the last one who became a friend may have also been interesting for more, but she'd met someone long before I could find out. I still go to a couple of parties a year, and reply to ads online if they look really special but there's the lottery, even if I meet someone, they finish the job I started. OK, my theory is if it doesn't happen it wasn't right, but the results over the past few years seem to show more is buggering things up than that. I really don't know.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Global warming- you decide.

After taking over two years compiling the data rarely mentioned in all but a few newspapers, I've put it all together on my website, and copied it here as well. The fact that Britain's government now seem to believe 'climate change', as they now carefully put it, is the most important reason for policy making (read 'taxation at a phenomenal and otherwise unjustified level'), here are a list of scientifically gained facts and comments I have collected in one place.

Once you look around, there's actually no concensus on global warming, one reason they now prefer to call it climate change. This states a certainty. Yes, climate changes by its nature, but it's not actually news. And if there is a general warming up (a 50-50 chance over any point in history) is it man-made? Who can prove it? And finally, if you re-read any article saying global warming is real, see how many facts are quoted in the present? Hardly any, most, in fact, are placed outside our lifetimes.

Seas rising: The North Atlantic is rising, but the seas around Australia aren't, and the sea level round New Zealand is falling. When temperatures rose from 1900-1940, mean sea levels dropped, showing there is not an automatic correlation.

Ice caps are moving, not breaking up. For example, while the Larsen shelf in the Antarctic is breaking up, much of the rest of it is increasing. Between 1992 and 1997 numerous meterologists, geologists and other experts said global warming was based on theoretical models that weren't supported by existing records, and based on unproven theories and imperfect computer models. Carbon dioxide levels also aren't automatically related to temperature. From 1940-75 when levels increased, temperatures went down, and historically it increases after, not during periods of warming.

Rising overall temperatures since 1880 have mainly been due to the ending of a mini ice age, which would have to end with a warming. Prior to this, Europe was at least 2 degrees warmer in 1100, with no dire consequences. The official figure turns out to be 0.6 degrees. When history proves 2 whole degrees was not a problem. Sudden changes are normal in world climate. 11,000 years ago (no industry present) temperatures dropped by 10'C, and then rose between 7 and 15' in around 50 years. NASA is beginning to doubt original predictions. James Hansen says temperatures in the 21st century are now likely to rise by 0.7'C maximum, the same as the last century. Ian Joughin, from their jet propulsion laboratory and Slawek Tulaczyk from The University of California found, using satellite radar, West Antarctica has added about 27 billion tons of ice, and could indicate an actual reversal of the 10,000 year trend of glacier shrinkage (which is clearly then not a recent problem).

By measuring air temperature rather than sea, it has cooled over the past 20 years. The European Science and Environmental Forum has found the troposphere, which rises from the surface to 30,000 feet, has not warmed at all since 1979 according to satellite readings Prof Ole Humlum of the Norwegian research centre "The greatest jump in temperature was in the Twenties, since then they have been relatively stable'. The European Science and Environment Forum says since 1979 satellite measurements have not detected any significant warming in the troposphere. The UN official figure for temperature increase in the 20th century was 0.6'C, but they themselves predict a rise of around 2' for the 21st (ie facts followed by speculation, which is not scientific). However, James Hansen who was a major cause of the original theory at NASA 15 years ago now says that the warming in the 21st century is far more likely to be no more than 0.7C, which is normal. The air, if measured as a single factor from water, has actually got cooler over the last 2 decades. In the year 1200 Europe was 2'C warmer than it is now, and has since undergone a mini ice age which lasted from 1400 to almost 1900, and the small increase since is what it took to stop it becoming a major one.

Sir Ian Lloyd, Conservative MP 1964-92, describes the consensus of the 1989 Select committee on energy " What is disturbing is the reluctance of the political (and to a significant extent the scientific) community to accept that there is no consensus on the existence, let alone the causes of this phenomenon..." adding now in 2004 "This has not diminished.

Petrol vehicles account for 0.18% of all CO2 in the atmosphere, over 99% of the atmosphere altogether is unaffected by man's activities. Finally, the best current temperature measurements have been made by an independent Norwegian scientist Nils-Axel Morner, using a satellite. He doesn't seem to have a website, but a search on his name will turn up plenty of his findings, and those alone should have been sufficient to finish all the speculation for good.

Future blog

As well as my blogs from the past, I can also try some for ahead. I'll do two for 2015, one better and one worse case scenario.


It looks like another ambition, to live in one of the houses like the one I grew up in is on its way. Following the regular spot as therapy expert on Channel 4 along with the associated articles, I've been able to save enough to get a bigger house. Though I managed to move back to the area some years ago, the house is half the size of the one I lived in, and with two children if I can stay in the same area to make more room rather than go downmarket again I will. I also believe they'd rather I spent the money on their house than private school when they're old enough, as apart from the improved scenery, I'm sure I'd have got the same results at the local state school.
It's 8 years since I got married, but well worth the wait as I got who I always would have chosen had I had the chance earlier. I didn't make any plan or effort to find her, I met her quite naturally locally and though it took ages to move from friendship to relationship, once we did it didn't take a lot more to reach engagement. The two children are now 7 and 5, going to my old primary school round the corner, and it's quite funny seeing a few parents I was at school woth, though actually most would have finished having their children there ten years ago or more as I took a bit (!) longer than most to get there.

I still spend some time online in my forums, there are still a couple there from the early 2000s when I started, and though many are abroad are as close as any friends I've got here and have met a few over the years when they've been here on holiday. My friends who moved to the States finally returned in 2007, after just over 5 years there. There were many times it looked permanent, but luckily (for me anyway) the pull of the homeland was strong enough to end in a return, and though their location is different, my routine still includes regular visits, and we still have the pool table up as well.


I've been at this game now blogging for over 10 years, and basically while many things around have changed my life seems to have been gathering dust and spider webs like an empty house. I haven't had a new girlfriend for five years, the last one was another couple of years of trying to squeeze the square peg into a round hole, by taking the best offer of the previous five years and trying to make the best of it. Of course it was far better than nothing, but looking for someone else throughout a two year relationship is hardly the way you'd want it.
I have relocated to my old area, but apart from nicer scenery and no hooligans except visiting ones, life hasn't changed regardless of where I am. I can now walk down to the same local shops and have tea in the selection of places that weren't there when I lived there the first time, but I actually know no one round here (not that I did many before) but they've long since moved on and it's near on impossible to befriend neighbours in the snottiest area in the world.

The TV programme was a success in its showing nine years ago, but seemed to be basically passed over by anyone important, and wasn't considered enough for any agent to take me on. I have something in the bag, but it wasn't the opening I hoped it could be. I get a little work helping out in a local shop as well as my few clients, but that's more or less it as far as income is concerned. My friends are still in Florida, they became pretty settled there and coming back wasn't on the cards. They come back every few years, but the weekly visits are now and only will be a distant memory. I have a few newer friends but no one that close or regular as I had in the past. I still paint from time to time, and just manage to sell a few now and then, though I'll never reach a standard of being worth very much. As for writing, it really seems everything people need to know has been written long ago, and whatever I had to offer was never going to be enough to persuade any organisation to invest in financially.

Sadly, any speculation in my psychic area came to nought as I suspected would be the case. Hidden aliens, free energy and similar areas either didn't exist, or have been so thoroughly covered up, either way they'll never come into the public domain, and apart from clairvoyance, have all but given up looking. Even the media seems to have concurred, having realised there's little new to report in programmes and the once fashionable TV and magazines on all things supernatural are now seen as a bit of a naff joke from the past. It promised everything, but only as a means of escape from the real world, and was only ever going to be a dream. I'm now firmly back in the material world, and am now using my creative side to pass the time, with art and music. Now I have broadband I can still spend hours perusing the same forums I was on years ago, at least I've given a few other people something continuous, as few others spend that long as a forum regular before moving on. I could be compared with the forum equivalent of Bruce Forsyth, Rolf Harris or Michael Caine, who in their 80s are just about the only performers who have always been around in my own lifetime. There must be a few members on the forums where I've been on since they joined 12 years ago! The only difference is the different London suburb in my profile!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I can hardly wait ten years to test which view of the two is closer, I suspect it'll be somewhere in the middle, though I'm sure I'm going to have to compromise on many areas, especially who I accept as a partner and how I earn my money. At my time in life there's little left to wait indefinitely for a division one (think 1980s football) candidate, and I'm now at a stage of being rejected by anyone even in the league, they seemed to have raised their standards in parallel with me dropping mine, so as I settle for less, the 'less' edge themselves out of my range as well, like an impossible puzzle. Technically this can't last for ever, I've managed it in the past and it was sabotaged by other circumstances than rejection. I just had many more tries then than I do now.
As for work, it's partially up to how much I feel I can force myself to suffer. Any media work is really like playing roulette, for every thousand with the ability only a few ever make it, and not having any connections means I can only go it alone which without an Oxbridge/acting school/similar background is almost like trying to become the US president.

If I go back ten years, the actual reality was almost identical to the negative view, in fact from a fairly neutral position in 1995 where I still had a regular job and friends (though only partly qualified), I had enough to keep me busy. I bought my current house nearly ten years ago, and technically far less has changed in ten years than hasn't, implying this is far more likely in 2015. Without an input of change from outside, things will be the same, and the last ten years crept past with me hardly noticing. Therefore maybe the next ten will do the same, I'll be carrying on as normal, and just realise, blimey, it's already 2015 and nothing's happened. Very likely and totally possible.

Monday, July 04, 2005


As my blog was only here in my 40s, I wondered what I'd have done had it been around all my life. Here are three possible entries from the last three decades.


Work in the shop is the same as usual (since 1992), the customers are still rude, treat me like a moron, and want stuff at cost price. It still pays the bills and is a lot easier than most others I've done so I will put up with it and at least know I'm actually qualified to do a lot more than that if I ever had to. Otherwise I'm collecting the last knockings available of the old Edmondson card train tickets British Rail took out of regular use in 1988. Apart from the Isle of Wight Ferry the only ones elsewhere are handwritten free passes, but at least I can still drive around the country as I always have searching for them.


I just started teaching law three afternoons a week in a private college. Nearly everyone in the class is called Patel, but at least everyone's reasonably well behaved, and the mature Nigerian students help keep them all in line as they're paying their own fees and don't want to be interrupted. They might turn up in Mercedes compared to my old Triumph Dolomite, but at least I'm the one doing the teaching. I've also joined a few agencies, and travel around coaching law students, and have discovered the plethora of Indian snacks, especially their spiced tea, masala chai, which does far more with tea than we ever do here.

Having dumped the series of last-resort girlfriends I was thrown together with during my degree as I didn't have the time to look properly, I've discovered now I am free to look all the nice ones became paired off while I was otherwise engaged, and now I'm going to have to find other ways to meet them. I am seeing a perfect looking woman who I see as more of a friend while she isn't seeing anyone, but has very little to say for herself. I've never seen anyone more exactly what I would call what I like the best, but in the action department she isn't prepared to offer very much in the way of material, though anything is a thousand times better with her than everything with many others. But I'm going to have to look at some new places to meet them now, including replying to adverts. Now I've got the time I want to be able to make the best of it.

1986 PS

Having discovered only upper second degrees get grants/research offers, I'd been given the options of either a full time degree in Hull or Cardiff (blimey!) at a massive cost plus a year's rent on top of that, or study two evenings a week at the old Polytechnic locally. As I had already started a reasonable job I took the cheap option but my health packed up after a couple of months at it, and have now started my first interest, counselling, one morning a week which fits into my work schedule a lot better. It was what I wanted to do since secondary school, so though the masters degree is now off the agenda at least I'll be able to do something I'd been doing for friends, and quite successfully, for years.


The majority of life is concentrated at weekends, having recently discovered discos. As well as joining a couple of new youth clubs, I go to every disco advertised, and every so often get quite lucky. The highlight was our youth club disco, where I had danced with and then had 6 girls walk away and I'd run out of material by 9.30. I went to the loo and when I came out someone new had just arrived, who was better than any of them. She did NOT walk away after a dance or two, and she is exactly the best and most suitable one I've ever met. After a month apart while I was on holiday, we had our second set of two weeks of seeing each other, where I discovered her mind is actually equal to her looks, and there is nothing at all wrong with her. BUT after taking her to my grandma's new house, across the fields from where she lives, we got back late and this was the excuse her mother had been looking for to make her stop seeing me. Game over. Back to the discos. The new O level marks were allocated for my first go at them, and it took days to realise I'd failed all but one as I didn't understand the new grades. So apart from English language I took early I still only have two! Luckily they were all taken a year early anyway so it wasn't any great loss and I'll do them all again in January.

PS 1976

Resits in January yielded a total of six O levels, I left school and returned for 2 weeks in June to retake physics, which totalled seven altogether when I passed it (just!).

Back to 2005

Once I'd reached the end, I was almost writing in the present, I was really back there. Maybe I should base most of my blogs in the past, and then I can also only select the good bits...

Nobody reunited

I think the title says it all, the now annual school reunion was pretty poorly attended, with only around 100, which included one person I knew and two teachers. I do know at least one was at the Live8 concert instead, as Jonathon Ross was presenting it for BBC and he often turns up with his wife, Jane Goldman, who also went there. I had to name drop there, as I rarely get a chance, not that I ever spoke to him but he did appear dancing in my video one year. He's a tall bugger, almost a foot taller than me, but that doesn't actually take that much.

Well, this one was a mixed affair, as though I barely knew a soul, all the rooms were open and I saw every room I used over 30 years ago, some of which hadn't been opened to old pupils since I was there. Apart from demolishing our prefab classrooms all the other work has been added above the old buildings, so the science and music rooms were identical, and the old workbench was still in the woodwork shop (now called CDT). So it did give me the chance to get back in touch with the only school of seven regular ones (if you include 6th form colleges) I actually liked going to. Whether many people were at Live8 or just bored with hanging around a few people they never spoke to while they were at school is uncertain, but at least the food now is always good and it wasn't raining.

Apart from the energy work, everything is pretty well dead around me, it's the first time since I was 17 I'm earning absolutely nothing (once you deduct my work expenses) and it's going to basically take a miracle to change this. The details are too complex to relate here, but at least I don't believe money is nearly as important as many other things in life, and out of all our assets is the easiest to control, unlike other people. In this case it's other people who are responsible for my financial situation, which is why it's been made as tough as it could possibly be to remedy it, but as I said, it's not a major worry, just one more nail in the coffin of dark clouds around me generally.

I still like reading about miracles, angels and the like for inspiration, but the actual chaos in events could only mean I am able to create my reality (with or without angelic help) but don't know how, or it's just as it seems with no higher aspects at all. The unbelievable coincidences I've experienced point to the first view, but I still don't like the idea we have to suffer to grow, and the more we overcome the more points we score. If I created the system I'd say that people could learn in nice surroundings and enjoy it, rather than have to become immune to stress from suffering more and more. I can go in a complete circle and compare it with all my various schools. The Dickensian regime of my prep/public school put me through 3 years of hell, whereas two subsequent were more like a holiday, and I still did what I needed to there, there was never any need to make it into an ordeal as well.

Saturday, July 02, 2005

Another week

This is becoming a little ritual now for me, nothing to do, write a blog. Originally I waited for something to report but now it's a form of relaxation, a little refuge where I open the box and see what happens. I literally have no idea what I'm about to write now, so any criticism can be sent in the usual ways.

Well, another week does really point to a review of what was a pretty free week from Monday onwards. Apart from work ups and downs I'd like to go into, but the nature of the profession is too sensitive to discuss, it was pretty average except one innovation I'll mention in a minute.
I saw a couple of friends, did the garden, went for a walk around the Welsh Harp reservoir near me, which actually has spots where you can't see any buildings, only the water and trees. They've done a lot of work making a new path and improving the landscape on one side, and there are few places any better than that to look at.

The highlight was an energy treatment I received on Tuesday night, not the first I've had generally, but never Chi Gong, which had been more or less the final method on my list that I wanted to try, but only got round to when I saw it offered online from a distance. Having had little or no results from the selection in the past I had no expectations, but when I lay down for the 10 minute session, bang!, the energy came in, moved around for about 20 minutes, and then returned on and off the rest of the night. It was something real, not created by my imagination. I have been told since this is part of me now, and I can always feel it at will, which has more or less been the case since Tuesday. That is a gift I didn't expect, and by this time in my life hardly believed in. Now I know this is real, and possible to transmit regardless of physical distances. The few experiences I've had before from meditation were also pretty amazing, but didn't last. Like drugs, peak experiences are wonderful while they're happening, but once they stop and stay away leave you little better off afterwards. This is quite different. I've got this inside me and I can feel it. Science, as far as I'm concerned, can be rewritten, and one doubt in my mind from before is now gone. Practically life goes on, shit still happens, and aggravation is still real to me, so far. But I will learn this energy, and see how I can let it work to help me with all these aspects if it can, but will still be quite happy with it just as it is now.

School reunion tomorrow, I've been to nearly all since the first in 1986, but after last year's semi-funereal show, where sad to admit everyone was mainly 30 years or so older than me or just left school, and I only spoke two a couple of people I remembered who had to struggle to do so. At least this one's free and if it's crap I haven't wasted too much time or money over it. I suppose after nearly 20 years more or less anyone who wants to go will have already, and I haven't got back with one old friend after seeing them there since the first. In fact, though some were exactly the same 30 years on, others were either totally boring after being close friends, others were thick arses or wallies at school and really interesting now. But no new friendships, they have their wives and crocodile of kids bouncing around them, and I'm a curiosity from a museum who they may like to look at for a few minutes and then go back to their current lives. Last year I put 4 people on my 'Want to hear from' list, and quickly heard from one who'd just subscribed that week, and sent me an email from America. I knew she'd gone there, wasn't 100% sure if she'd stayed, but was over the moon to hear from her. I had a number of favourites there, and she was one of the top few. She has improved as well, as she used to be a quiet little mouse (though a very nice one) and is far from that now, her personality has truly come out. She may be taken (not for the first time, she's already divorced) but had she lived back in London I'd have hoped to keep up with her. So, I'm expecting sod all tomorrow, I don't even want to go but it's only once a year and if I don't who knows who may be there? Report to follow of course, and though I'm pleased with the (temporary?) lull in rude replies, I've only had about one proper comment for over a month, so I'm not even sure if I'm now talking to myself. Well, I still continue, it's not often I find something any more that fills my attention, so this is what I will do.

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