Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Principles of enlightenment

Having finally understood enlightenment I've done a video explaining its nature as learnt from Sage Amrit on Youtube. Here are the principles which led me to follow all the meanings the teachers use but are rarely clear or complete.

1) You do need to work at it. Take a practice from a teacher and stick with it. The few who become enlightened automatically are saints and an exception. Most involve focusing on the present, and I describe these in the video.

2) It usually starts to show gradual results, few go from nothing to all suddenly.

3) Just because we are told the world is a dream or illusion that only applies after you're enlightened. Until then it's damn real and we have to deal with it.

4) Enlightenment is of two parts. One is dropping the ego, that which tells us we are a person who is separate from everything else. This is done indirectly through practice. When this happens, then the calm, peace, bliss etc comes with it. If it doesn't you're probably not there yet.

5) You can recognise the ego by when you feel important from being something. That is your ego that wants to feel big, not your true nature. Let this pass.

People, throw away your beliefs!

Having a bit more time than usual I return here. I've spent the last couple of days filling the last spaces on my London Transport groups for Flickr round Barnes and Ealing, added a little more to the weights in the gym after nearly 6 years next month, and that's about it. I know my email target is busy so is likely to reply when she has the time, very hard working and kids. My cat was enough for me with no help. This week having checked the website will try and sell a few more photo albums now I see they haven't deleted them (my property I PAID FOR) from their website as expected. Flickr and here (which is free) never need to clear space by deleting stuff (and what would it do for visitors?) so why should a commercial site where people store their work to be printed by them? More unanswered questions of life.

I still imagine the chances of anything nice happening to cheer me up (life has becime incredibly boring) almost zero now, having seen more projects die this year than possibly any other time in my life. Two women so far, two major media jobs, all the supernatural leads I followed, all but one sale, and only compensated by that sale (about 70p profit), getting the BBC Trade Test transmissions after 36 years and getting a photo of a dodgy car number plate, which was hardly enough to balance. So many people do moan because however much they have it isn't enough, while I believe few could start so many diverse attempts for them all to go tits up in a row. That doesn't usually happen, even to me. And I haven't got any others still alive that may even it out or ideas for them, hence the vacuum I mentioned yesterday.

So what I should do is ask out the older woman in the library if she wants more albums (very nice but bound to be married), tell the woman in America I'll go there and marry her (that would make it at least her 3rd but who's counting?), Or even better join yet another online dating agency so I can get messages from women in Ghana claiming to love me and can I send them £300 for their mother's operation, talk all night to a divorcee in Essex who can only talk about her ex husband, be stood up in assorted spots in and around London (done plenty of those already), spend weeks emailing before meeting someone who looks like her photo's mother, tell the same stories to ten different women, and the best which has happened at least twice, be told they've decided not to meet anyone off the internet (after paying to join).

That is a truly tragic list of possibilities, which explains why I prefer to call women I already knew (however long ago) and do other things instead. I learnt even longer ago if any woman laughs at my fart and bottom jokes she fancies me, as women just don't tend to think that's funny. I've never known a single clue I'm in there apart from that, and rarely used that trick since I was a teenager anyway. Anyone still on the fence is bound to be put off. One woman I never met (as thousands of miles away) liked poop talk even more (maybe not more) than me, and I actually wrote a few entries here just for her. How many people overall worldwide of my age who can still have a good old laugh about shit must be pretty low, especially among the females. And our sexual preferences also coincided which is possibly even more unusual. I think all the others tolerated the jokes they laughed at as they liked me, rather than actually thinking it was funny. If anyone else had said the same things they'd probably have slapped them.
Tomorrow looks exciting, one new work arrival and then to my grandma's to wait for a washing machine to be collected when she's out, unless they get there before me. I'll start the phone calls then or next, and the usual jobs around the house and garden, and looking back the last few weeks or beyond nothing happened that I didn't actually think of and get done myself. Things I wanted to do that is. No angels or other miracles coming along like a dream to help me out. I'm sure the whole basis of hope is caused by the lack of power we have over life we imagine it suddenly being fixed like in a film. Pointless, if anything does it won't be because we have hope or think about it, things just happen. Belief is the poor relative of hope as most people with hope know in their hearts it's unfounded, but belief is based on lack of knowledge so is only an assumption. I either know something, suspect it or don't know. I don't believe in God, global warming (like I can see and feel it?), the good of mankind, anything nice is round the corner, or we are in a recession. I suspect nothing decent will happen for months at least, it makes no difference who gets in in America (except to their taxpayers), 90% of politicians are corrupt, and none of the women I ever email from my past will ever want to see me, and sooner or later most of these will be known. If people all examine their hopes and beliefs, and then remove all of them they will feel a lot lighter and clearer. They have no use for us, but why learn it the hard way before you do so?

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Passing through the vacuum

If there is a message in my life somewhere it's incredibly well hidden. Even dreams of better places and things just return me back to normal after I wake up. Taking the risk she may even read this (not sure how but this is the internet) I am hoping for a reply from one of the few people like those I meet in my dreams, distant and unavailable but in contact. There's no shortage of right people for us, just ones who are interested. I'd marry at least 50 women I know, probably many more. Not because I compromise in any way but I just have learnt what I'm looking for and they all have it. There is a hierarchy of course, but doubt I'd mind if I had any of them and not another.

So if I look for a message all I can currently see is being poked towards enlightenment, which means equally being poked away from caring about what goes on in real life as whatever happens here is irrelevant to that. But even within the teaching until you get there you still suffer down here. That is heaven and hell everyone. It never meant waiting till you were dead. Hell is when you realise you aren't enlightened and heaven is when you are. And being dead means you don't care either way. Finding pleasure down here is a miracle if it lasts very long. I don't know about other people as most I come across through work suffer the most and although I remember pleasure it was punctuated by some pretty dreadful moments as well, as all our lives have to be. Those who have looked say the good and bad tend to even out over a lifetime. I can see many lives that would be lucky to get close. And those we assume are good are often papering over the cracks. There's every reason to turn your back. So any hidden messages just seem to be reminding me more and more this world isn't worth any effort so why bother, keep all my thoughts on the one beyond it.

Limbo though is between both and when you're possibly leaving one but not yet in the other then really you are where you were but can see where you are going. But the distance isn't known and there's no schedule. This so called recession mind you seems to be gradually returning just a little sanity to the world at last. Oil has come down to a price I can almost afford, and food prices are following. Halleluja. House prices haven't moved mind you, not round here, and that is not good news. Knowing it might be cheaper than it was a year ago to move to Chelmsford is no comfort to those who live in London and want to stay there. Apparently the last recession was when I started my last job (albeit after about 350 applications) and business boomed right through it. The only awareness of the recession was the number of applications as when I worked before my degree I could leave on Friday and find something new by Monday in most cases. I never needed more than a couple of weeks whatever though. London slowed drastically since, although when I went to live in Oxford once I'd left my details jobs came flooding in after a month or so. My first one went permanent so didn't need the others but told me they were available.

Having said that my personal preferences for jobs are so popular (ie just above a holiday) that I never stood a chance. The only one I got was so much like a holiday it had no customers so like its equivalent only lasted a week before I returned home. Now all my projects have basically dried up. I will call the library to see if they want any more photobooks and grudgingly call the TV company for the latest excuse why the last programme has done nothing. I'll start another painting now the clocks have gone back, but have no ideas besides wasting whatever spare time I have writing a book based on this blog which is a last resort of the last resorts. No real point writing a book without being a writer already or bloody famous in which case someone else will write it for you but give you the money. But realistically there's no big plans now. Business will look after itself now, and pleasure (as in finding a woman) has been described here already. Last week it was nice and I went to all the parks on the map I hadn't been to with the camera as it was my last chance till March. Getting dark between 3 and 4pm fucks up my leisure time totally and why I'll be painting again.

I think it's the first time I can remember I haven't been involved in at least one major project but as marriage and regular employment are already covered by most people then they can relax and enjoy the ride, if they are actually enjoying it. I know the formula it's usually when you look the other way something happens, but there isn't really anywhere else to look. It's the same in all directions.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Detritus for the day

I've been working my way through the map for new photo locations each day, and beyond that it's like the Twilight Zone where the rest of the world has frozen. I will say despite the standard 'different country and taken' scenario, an ex from schooldays has proved even better than she was back then, and if no more an inspiration to what I need now. In reality after a while I forget what women are for besides the obvious as lack of contact means the memory fades and just have to assume having a girlfriend was better than not, without actually being able to relate to it any more. She has just about reminded me as with so many others having turned nasty over the years (I tend to search them out from time to time as it keeps me occupied) she has done the opposite, and gone from being bloody good to even better than bloody good. Knowing more or less exactly who suits me by now she would probably have all that it takes to cover all the areas, and can't be the only one like that can she?

My other blog on a site which introduced them where I was already has just switched from present to past as the entries repeat themselves so much. I can't talk dirty or run down anyone there so my alternative to polite reporting is not permitted. If I was looking at my future on a straight road ahead of me I'd expect to see endless years of identical weeks with the odd pothole in the middle where something dreadful happened on the way. The clocks going back at the weekend will switch my photo trips to more time indoors, although how I keep finding places to go still amazes me. I looked at the map for more parks this week and am finding all sorts hidden away I'd never been to before, but that's only got a week or so left to cover. I got told off on the other blog for saying the current woman had less conversation than an answerphone, so I'll have to say it here instead. The one before who didn't want any funny business had plenty of conversation although she had apparently been diagnosed with a mental age in single figures. Go figure. She was actually very good company and I spent some years driving her all over the south of England but circumstances put that to an end eventually. I'd run out of places to go anyway but we had some good times only spoilt by absence of physical contact. Before the chronic fatigue set in I could drive anywhere, we went to Winchester Cathedral, High Wycombe (the new John Lewis on the M40), Crowthorne, Greenwich and Blackheath, Chorleywood (stuck in the snow for 7 hours coming back) and Richmond Park. With her 'problems' (there were others) she didn't work so was an ideal candidate for sharing otherwise boring days. Now someone like her without a morbid fear of physical contact would do just fine now, and she wasn't even what anyone could call attractive but was very attractive to me anyhow regardless how she looked. Some people just do the job regardless of their appearance.

My 2nd DVD of BBC trade tests is on its way next week, only one left now which is from another source that I have yet to see again. No word on the fireworks yet, I'll have to phone them soon or miss it assuming it's on. Tomorrow is the last afternoon with light for photos this year, I expect I'll cover a couple more parks nearby and of course grass and trees and sometimes flowerbeds tend to look the same the world over. I posted a picture of a country path Tuesday and someone else had an almost identical one that day from Holland. Not the first time by any means. Good views always will be but only so many possible. They allow porn on Flickr now at least and some pretty impressive stuff they have as well. How naked people can be offensive to anyone with all the really nasty pictures some people take is a mystery to me, and only indicates the religious/neurotic attitude some have to the human body and sexuality. The phrase 'sex and violence', as if similar, has always frightened me as it shows how sick many people are to include such opposites in a single sentence. They would only be equally bad if performed at the same time. Otherwise they are polar opposites.

So even though I want some plans, to find a woman to ask to the fireworks or anything else for that matter, get some more media work and anything else to break the painless but dismal weekly routine, there are no ideas to beat the reality. So I spend an hour or so each day uploading and tagging new photos and another half an hour doing this, checking all the posts on Funtrivia and any TV in between. And although I can take it or leave it, some jobs I've tried for would be a help, but I suppose the cushy numbers I apply for are so popular they usually go to the boss's nephew. I've never been against working but it's been against me. But not the most important thing in life and shouldn't be for anyone. Just an unwelcome means to an end as far as I'm concerned.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Stream of consciousness time

Well the mind wanders and however it does sometimes thinks of something new to dig up. I just made a list of every decent verse from the diarrhea song from many contributors, as many are made up you have to sort the wheat from the chaff, figuratively speaking. I nearly posted it all here but will save that for when I've got absolutely nothing to write, besides 'It's brown and it's mushy and it squirts out your tushy, diarrhea, diarrhea'. I'm quite sure Shakespeare would have used it in King Lear (or Richard III of course) had it been around at the time. A horse a horse my kingdom for a horse. It dribbles on your feet when you're running down the street. You get the picture.

Anyway, from one of my favourite subjects to real life. Plenty of shit there of course but when it's your own carpet the joke doesn't happen. I think had I been in a different situation now (and had better health but the two probably go together) I'd have a pretty good life, had I been free and unobligated in a family. With the internet I can always find something to look at but we all know what it's like to rely on that, it's the life of a recluse most of the time. I see the same ahead and haven't a clue if and how it will ever change. I did used to dream of a life in suburbia, but with me staying at home and the wife doing whatever the man used to do back when only one had to work. Of course I'd do all the housework and childcare as well as work from home, and if it was good enough for women till the 70s (before most had to work as well) it should be for men. Sexism has always been far worse against men than women as we are expected to do far more.

I've said it before, faith and hope are two sides of the same coin based on a wish for rescue. I believe nothing and expect nothing. We all should. Everything will happen whether we do or not. And like I said about the October 14th UFO prediction, you don't need to announce anything the world will know about, it announces itself. You announce something people need to know the time date and location, not an event that will never happen anyway. I know it's possible to meet a woman, and expect to based on the odds and past experience. That is based on facts and know there's a pattern. But I have no hope anything will ever happen to improve in life as that is also something that is far less likely to happen based on the same criteria. Even though I may get things I've waited years for that randomly turn up, they don't change my life as only people, inner work or outer work would. They have lasting results whereas having yet another video, however good, does not. Or all the words to the diarrhea song. Collecting creative work is no different as even if you made the video yourself it's still just a video.

I have my own experiences of extra, both the physical and beyond, and know where it lies. It may have been the reason some named it God, but are just the end of the spectrum and beyond of the highest levels of quality in life as we know them. Knowing where they are doesn't lead to having them mind you, as they are not available to the public and the ones which are aren't creatable at will. And funnily enough some on my list aren't believed by some either. Maybe when we can access these things and places easily then the rubbish of the world won't matter so much. I would never take anything good for granted, I've learnt that lesson losing most I did have to realise what I'd do with them if they ever came back but very few have. But even though I live alone and would rather be a few miles east, I still appreciate this area now and simply travel east regularly so I spend more time there like I used to. I always appreciated my friends except the fact I assumed they always came easily as they did. But as school and holidays were the places I met most then new ones stopped when they did. For some reason people I've met since may have got on reasonably well with but never became friends when we parted our business connection at work or evening classes etc.

Well tomorrow is free, I've used the sun this week for photos each day and have various local jobs tomorrow, and this may remain the routine till I'm my parent's age and beyond if I make it that far. If money was no object I'd be one of those surrogate fathers to women with no man so at least I'd have a child or two guaranteed. Of course it can happen at any time but I'd rather I was young enough to have the time with them. But it costs a fortune and I can only pay bills for myself. But if the money ever comes that's on the list.

Finally I've hardly read any blogs recently, and the main reason is besides being god's own job to save links (I have a little list) they stop writing sooner or later and have to spend ages finding new ones which have something I want to read. So many searches turn up people with profiles and no blogs I can't be bothered looking most of the time now. Or worse still last posts in 2006. That means clicking another time and then being disappointed. But I can not only talk fairly freely here but say things I'd rarely dare to in public as people would think I was a yob. One reason I swear here is I don't usually otherwise. That's how I was brought up so it has an automatic filter. I have more time to override manually here. But one thing I have said before and you have it in writing, there's not a word I write here that isn't true, as I'm not writing fiction. If something passes the check to be written in public at all then it goes in. It's what I don't put in people should think more about. Anyone who sees me contradict myself in future point it out and I'll explain it. But that is because I'm conveying years of a complex life and without a reference table of all my jobs and operations etc can't convey it all here in a sentence or two.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Little more

Just to clarify yesterday (as I did to the comments as well) I still have a few friends, but either away, busy or both plus one I talk to but never see any more. The effect is similar but the people do exist.

Back to today, one thing I have at the moment is free time, one reason I'm here more as well. They don't charge or limit what we write here so why should I be restricted? I was reading a book yesterday that says we should find just one thing in life we can do something to change and give it a little poke. If I can think of anything I will, although in the way of publicity any more would either just irritate people or make an idiot of myself (no comments on that thank you).
I still chase women from my past, and that can work as I see around me. I'm slowly collecting TV programmes from the 60s and 70s although many were destroyed before anyone could save them, no VCRs back then. There are a few major gaps I haven't tracked down yet but filled quite a few as well, including in charity shops.

Meanwhile sometimes life seems back to normal again when something reminds me of enlightenment and it does seem to resonate now unlike before. If there's a path towrds it if I'm not on it now I don't think anything else would be. The certainty I had with my intuition about so many other things is now relating the same to that, like I've finally got it. Nobody confuses me now and can see the partial expanations many give with their holes in. And I can correct them when people ask, as they do. Can you imagine my blogs of that happened? I can't but they wouldn't have much to complain about. Everything in the world would happen at a distance. You'd still enjoy life but wouldn't actually suffer from what I gather. I will no doubt see something unfold as it seems to have started.

Until then though I will be wrapped up in the ordinary as we all are. My ordinary is a lot more than many, but I did see it coming as being an only child and then have my mother leave so even less family support knew unless I got married sooner or later I'd end up stuck on my own. I discussed the woman mystery yesterday, it's not as if they've stopped producing them or I'm in the Space Shuttle, but there seems to be something of a force field around me on that front at the moment. I remember a woman here who said she was interested in me, although like primary school she showed it by being rude and got pissed off when I objected. God help me if she hadn't liked me. Then she did nothing about it anyway even though she could have.
Funnily enough the annual fireworks party at my old school is next week (although they haven't sent me anything) and I've taken two girlfriends to that before. There's one's sister (the one pissing me around at the moment) and the other who never fancied me and was considering calling after a long gap out of lack of alternatives. If I can think of someone suitable as well it'll be a big surprise. I have a week anyway. Last time there wasn't even any food and we had to go to Starburger afterwards just as they were about to close. She'd already eaten before we got there but still had another meal.

I suspect I'll either take the current one through availability with no 'funny business' or go on my own and not see anyone I know. Not the first time or the last. The rest awaits to be seen but fairly predictable I suppose.

Monday, October 20, 2008

The world today

One question that comes to mind at the moment, am I getting anywhere? In what I call duality, ie the world before enlightenment where everything is real despite being told it's not, sod all. Absolutely zero. Every plan this year has ended up in landfill, women, media work and any other plan that could have improved my life had it actually happened.
Thank goodness outside duality my own inner work as been shifted as there is now no mental blockage to enlightenment. I'm even noticing little things for the first time since I began this path in 1997 and know they are signs something in there probably is happening. But until and unless it keeps doing so I'm still in this world and would like it to provide some more than there currently is.

I've got nothing left in the way of work or social projects, the last lot delivered what they did and that's it. Some of the old ones will crawl on, like selling a few more photobooks and postcards, but they are at a loss more or less and won't get me any better work unless a shop was to order some. At least with my health picking up I now both visit and appreciate covering my areas, the shops of NW11, N10 and NW3 for a start. Before it was just as routine as cleaning my teeth but now I realise what I can get from every interactive part of my life, being stopped from it for so long. Technically it only needs one, two at the most people to fix many of my problems from lack of pleasure. One friend and one woman. Too much of a tall order? 97% of all those over 25 I come across who want not to be single (OK it's a guess but probably not far off) so why should I be left out? It must include (anti-PC alert!!!) cripples, midgets and mingers who all seem to more or less manage like everyone else, albeit not as frequently, so how did I miss? All the elements one would say women were looking for besides being normal height were in my profile at one stage or other but made no difference. The good ones always left before things got interesting, even if it was not because of me.

So day by day more little jobs need to be doing as we all have (unless we have other people to do them for us), I wander around collecting new bus numbers and station photos for the groups, and write about it afterwards. I have compared my blogs to exploring a well used hanky at times, as you just go from one mess to the next. I can't philosophise that besides seeing all events come in phases, big and small. Including non events, which all rolled up this year. I did sell 10 postcards, see a dodgy car number plate with the camera this time, and get a DVD of the colour trade tests I hadn't seen since 1972, but in a year or so that's not really much, but at least on the inner side my major project may just have opened up. But that is unknown territory and can't see what may be ahead, if anything is. That's new science so not able to navigate any unless I learn more from experience. It just takes one area to shift. It's a big ask but one which others seem to get, at least with friends and partners, with little effort. The business side is more in my control besides the ultimate fame element, unless I start showing myself off in other ways if I can think of any. Without the help of an insider that path is almost shut and I can't think of any others I can become connected with.

Meanwhile the economy affects those involved with it, a few go broke and many lose their jobs, and many more are being rewarded and if whoever objected to me getting benefits for major medical issues then divert your wrath to the greedy bastards who gambled on getting more debts repayed than was possible and are now being fed far more than I'll ever be given in my life. It's not those who deserve money that are given it all the time but those who have the real power. It's called corruption and because of that there isn't enough for those who really do need it. I borrowed once for a loft conversion, it cost me far more than I expected and paid it off as soon as possible and never again. Loft conversions are one of the few areas where work done will on average return twice the investment if you paid a reasonable price, and I needed the space. But in the same situation again I'd move somewhere cheaper with the room already. I've learnt, will anyone else?

My crystal ball is now clear. It sees a horizon hours ahead and beyond that the assumption is based on inertia, that things will stay the same unless something moves one of them. Even watching the economy news has lost its appeal after doing some research. The recessions since the 30s have been so trivial to all but the unluckiest, and like climate change, I was totally unaware of their existence besides what I was told on the news. Except they were real unlike climate change (besides the fact it always does). What we have now is simply a worldwide shared debt based on unrestricted lending and the resulting carnage. No cause at all in the real world. No droughts, shortages or wars beyond the average. Just greed. The lenders were greedy and fed on greedy borrowers with apparently no end to the repayments based on property security which was worth half what was lent on it. I'm not an expert but that is the level of maths I did in kindergarten. They stuffed their heads in the sand and pretended it couldn't happen. So now world governments have decided the claim needed for benefits now includes corporate bankruptcy. Please start disapproving of others now, I could never compete with them.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Plans needed now

Another week has passed, or passed away, I'm not sure yet. Routine is the word, and the high spot was probably when a door to door hawker came today trying to sell me Sky TV and was not only honest but I was on the verge of asking her out. A few more minutes and I would have but she won't be back so too late. It does show how people come to us though if nothing else, just like my late pussycat did in 1999. I have ticked off a series of jobs, I cleared my whole laundry basket for the first time since I had it, bought a week's food, got my postcards back they didn't want, got my 2nd excerpt from Mystery Hunters online at last although with a logo in it, filled in some official forms for a job I did, as well as the usual photos and family visits.
I see a path ahead where this happens endlessly, killing time and just doing what I either have to do or can think of to occupy myself. I reject as many people as reject me as we all find some people more trouble than no one at all. I may have to revive at least one of those when the space becomes too much, as there's no one else I can think of. If they even want to see me again.
Since my annual holiday stopped I've met nearly all my friends from others. Some parties but either way friends of friends. So when the friends dry up you stop finding more. A circular equation.

I do know everything goes in unexplained phases, so this should end as all have before it, but not through my hand. Something in the way of a blockage has to shift and I can't poke it myself. However I seem to have an inner blockage going since my understanding of enlightenment and that would cover everything else, but till then I live in duality and have to suffer it. So with no sensible plans I can either fill the house with more paintings, do more dodgy music recordings, meditate, watch all my videos and more TV, make phone calls with nothing to talk about, keep looking up old friends who don't want to hear from me, or something original.
One friend agreed if I am placed in a position not to go out a lot there's a reason for it, and I agree. It's not like I'm missing anything besides football and now I've been back I'm not missing it now. All the other places besides friend's houses are worn out by now and of little interest if I never go to them again. People go out because they're bored as much as any positive reason, there's a quota of films and performances we all want to cover, parties and the like, and travelling. I did it for 25 years, some was good, but realised without a family and woman to come home to life was pretty empty. So I've got my priorities right and if I can't manage what everyone else still does then who cares. I even managed to swallow a rude word there, I am learning. Probably as I was so heavily told off and punished when I did at about 8 I feel like catching up now as I can. 40 years of repressed f words. My mother turned me into a bloody wuss. Shows you can't remove energy, you either release it or store it for later.

So what ridiculous plans can I think of? I can make a video of suburbia with someone filming me with a plan, script and professional equipment I can't afford, and no company who wants it, and have to pay an editor to finish the job. Then I could write a book based on my life and philosophy to gather dust and be read by no one. Both would take a lot of time and end up with a very costly product which was absolutely worthless. And these are the big projects I actually can do given the time and money. I tried the dating agencies and clubs twice already (I don't mean I used them twice, but spent a few years twice with one girlfriend to show for it all and hundreds of pounds down the pan) so seen that's a useless pursuit, I'd love to nose around the inside of houses in Golders Green to see where I'd like to move given the money but haven't the cheek as I'm not a genuine buyer. I will be doing some IQ tests to see if it's worth doing another one for Mensa, and beyond that can't think of a thing.

I learnt some time ago there are no answers, not in duality, as that is its nature. And what drives a few people in every thousand to look beyond. If you're satisfied with life you're one of the lucky ones, but many are just pretending as they feel it's a sign of failure to admit you're not, but believe me, it's the nature of life that is bound to make us unsatisfied sooner or later, and if not you're either very lucky or just not there yet. We all share the same universe.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

A threadworm of hope

OK, we're all back to normal again. Although the 14th October ufo had 'cack' written through it like a stick of rock, all the other disappointments in my recent life all had a chance of actually happening, some almost changing my life as much as a real ufo sighting would have.

There has been: New girlfriend of one date replacing me for ex. Ex girlfriend still interested decades later drops me like a handful of worms. The Sun interview me for an article they didn't use (possibly only chance to reach big time). Two people refuse to appear in latest TV programme delayed 3 years already. No record of my IQ test now Mensa accept outside ones.

There are more, and a few that actually worked but not much for a while, but with such a list wouldn't anyone get an attitude?

So life is ordinary. Very ordinary. My purpose in life is taking bus numbers for a photo pool, helping a few people at work and in my family and blogging. In case it goes over a few heads much of these blogs is intended as comedy although based on real life. Subtle but there if you look. Seeing the funny side of as much as possible is a recognised form of help, and that's why very little is above being the topic of humour, including the holiest Meat Loaf himself. I am considering writing a song on the lines of 'I'm sitting on it right now', 'What's hanging out my pyjamas?' (ans, my mother...), 'I may be a wanker but at least I don't support Arsenal', 'But at least I'm not Hitler', 'I wouldn't do that for cash either', and 'It's seven inches long' (the riddle is to listen to the lyrics to find what is). A deep vein of nonsense in a single line of music.

Seeing a programme on TV last week also reminded me however nostalgic I am for some of the people I met there, I shouldn't be too nostalgic about actually being at school. Much of it was boring and some was hell, and was far better off after leaving it, even the one I liked in the long run. The real key to it was the social part, where London/Britain's top brains sent their brainiest kids to the same places so instead of mixing with the usual mix of rough and dull kids they met ones just like themselves, who are normally very few and far between, as at my annual music holiday (1968-89). Nowadays these people are either memories, annual visits or dead. I wanted to join Mensa to keep meeting them, and the status was a bonus. I know a law degree is thousands of times harder than a Mensa test (I've done both) and is many exams rather than just one. In fact I'd like a psychologist to assess the whole degree spread and see if it could actually qualify you for the IQ as well if passed at a certain level. All the same skills are involved as unlike the arts you have to apply the knowledge besides learn it. And there's maths involved at times which was something I found virtually impossible on its own.

I now find such people online but spread evenly round the world. I even meet the odd one when they visit London but very rarely. It's a bit like being a freemason, we can usually spot each other by a few little signals and feel like family. It's not pride or elitism, simply being judged by performance. You start by thinking what you understood was common knowledge and then found at 11 or so teachers and many adults didn't follow what was bloody obvious to you. Then you realise you are going to struggle to be understood for the rest of your life, and would end up a leader rather than a member of the pack as it was like seeing a different horizon to everyone else. To keep it warm we play quizzes or take on other challenges from time to time, often to make sure we haven't lost it. Playing professional quizzers for 4 months and coming 8th from many thousands was my last effort, as every so often some wiseacre doubts your credentials, as if intelligence was a hoax you could pretend to have to big yourself up when you were really like everyone else. I suppose it can only be seen by those who can recognise it. It has no connection to emotional maturity, in fact maybe an inverse one, as we are often childlike and innocent, and have the social skills of a 9 year old. We find life interesting enough without having to learn boring and pointless routines just to fit in with the masses. So we do often fit the streotype as a stereotype is made by collecting common characteristics and fitting them together where anyone seeing it would recognise it, even if an exaggeration. And if you're on the cusp of social acceptibility, being an only child does the last push into social exclusion, amplifying every element of isolation and self enquiry. I don't look for praise just like tall people don't need respect for having abnormally long legs. I just don't want stick for it and have to pretend I'm just like your average Joe when I'm clearly not.

So, with so much time and space the blog fills a huge gap, as did a couple of days reading the often insightful comments on the 14th October blogs, where the full spectrum of human strengths and weaknesses were displayed. Like Big Brother, but with the spiritual side. It's over now though and not a thing has changed. Will it ever?

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

A thread of hope

I've had a really boring last few days and possibly next few and many more ahead. But it's odd that through my voluntary work (ie ufo investigation) I was told about the prediction (due today) about the ufo. Now that itself is BS like all the Nigerian letters offering you 30% of TEN MILLION US$ and variations thereof. But it's given me a lot to read and see the full range of world opinion on such things, and be sent piles of links to similar places. Had I not heard about it I'd have played online trivia and made comments on forums and life would have carried on as it always does. Nothing's happened or will happen but at least I've found some people feel the way about the world that I do. I'm actually far from the only one fed up with watching crap from the outside by the majority, and despite my best efforts to talk it down get not very far.

So that at least is heartening. It's not me, the world stinks and needs something to clear it out before we all get swamped by regulations and taxes. World governments (with some exceptions) have now pooled many resources to do this big time. The war on terrorism (read 'a fucking good excuse to make people give up more rights'), global warming (save the planet and ruin your wealth) and the latest credit crunch, which could have been stopped years ago if they'd brought in credit controls. But taxes on house prices have tripled so why should our government or any other get in the way of such ill-gotten gains? I can see this, some others can, but most sadly can't even when you rub their noses in it. I won't give up saying it but have given up expecting anyone to take any notice.

So rather than go to bed and wake up tomorrow to a possible trip for more photos in a desolate corner of Hertfordshire before the regular visit to grandma, I'd rather share with the few (9?) remaining readers what I've been doing for the last hour or so and my impressions of reading 148 comments on this ridiculous and totally unoriginal prediction that has captured enough of the attention of the fringe elements to start major discussions on something more interesting than the regular crap. Nintendo Wii games, film star's knickers, the latest Coldplay (who they?) gig, etc etc ad fucking nauseam. If people can get all their jollies on such cock-numbing dreck then good luck to them. I can't and never have. I've been into alternate dimensions since hearing my first fairy story and aren't giving up the journey now. If this world doesn't have an escape hatch I'll still spend my life looking for one, as were most of the people reading this blog about the prediction.

It is the pyramid effect. It's the upturned bell shaped curve of average behaviour. There most are in the middle and a few on the edges. Take the integral of that and you have a pyramid (O level calculus, failed). That puts the odd people at the tip and the plebs at the wide bottom of the pyramid. If you then spread out the people equally the gaps between those on the top levels of the triangle are widely spread out while the bottom row stays the same. Those at the top still exist but are so spread out they often believe there's no one else like them. Mensa, the internet and other specialised places bring them together, but when they read comments by the majority endlessly they start again to forget and think they're among morons again.
Not having many of the top level close to me at the moment (I rarely do but even less right now) I go on the internet and am swamped by negativity as soon as anyone dares to challenge the acceptable beliefs, left/right/ religious and whatever. But they are mass market attractions, with billions of faithful and uncritical followers. Anything esoteric or intellectual is subject to ridicule and total misunderstanding by most, and all they can do is laugh at it or throw insults. The desire to escape such a level of humanity is becoming extreme now, clearly not just for me but the thousands of people popping up worldwide to comment on this prediction.

So all it has done is prove I and we are not alone, but a certain amount of people are all fed up with things as they are, and believe as we as humans can do nothing to stop the tide of garbage something else would be very nice to do it for us. Of course tomorrow the sun will rise and set and our radios and TVs will bleat on about 'carbon footprints' (these are actually what are made by fairies at the bottom of our gardens) and the banks will demand more money to make sure they don't lose their power and bonuses while thousands of naive sheep will be bitterly disappointed their new messiah didn't deliver the promised event. But if even a few other people see the world as I do I'm not alone or making it up. I've been here 48 years and remember 46 of them clearly, and things have definitely got a lot worse. Especially in the last 10 years. I could probably write a book on it as it's so widespread but I've mentioned the elements many times already.

Well LBC mentioned the prediction on the last show which was a surprise, but all the others haven't. One more than I expected anyway. Off to bed, business as usual. Sod it.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Intuition, with examples

Following the last entry I will freely admit I see the supernatural as an escape from the otherwise boring and unfulfilling world. But it does not and has never used predictions and a word of advice to people about the natural and supernatural, don't listen to what people say is going to happen ahead. It's not possible to do so and also takes your eye off the ball in the present. It's a form of mind control like hypnosis that makes you focus on the date or possible future whether you want to or not, the seed has been planted and our minds are designed to accept them despite being poisonous to them.
And I don't mean when people can see the end of a current path, like this credit crisis which mirrored history since money was introduced. That's just a bloody obvious equation by offering more than could be returned eventually it would stop flowing back with interest. That is not the same thing.

So whatever the present offers I can only live within its limits. Thank goodness the Independent on Sunday published some experts who disagree with global warming and can demonstrate why. We need these every week in all the media before our pockets have all been picked. Just the fact glaciers are no smaller overall should be enough of a sign we are being conned, as every time they shift some wise guy films the bit that's dropped off and not the part that's grown behind it. Selective reporting is straight from the Nazis and those they learnt from. The Russians learnt it from them and so did the Chinese who I saw dressing their police up as Buddhist monks to stage a riot for the world media.

I suppose I'm no different, but the stats tell me during the time I was being attacked here in the comments my visitors went up 10 times and dropped back after. Car crash TV/blog/radio etc. Unfortunately it means whatever I write is clearly not of that much interest to all but my regulars and as soon as the trouble is over all the others drop off. I can't do much about it and don't want the lunatic to return so can only write as I see things. Of course not many others do as I do so can't appeal to very many. Unfortunately the huge number of victims that fall for all the scams hate to imagine they have been lied to. I don't lie to people and get persecuted for trying to point this out to others. Big deal. Telling the truth is never easy but can never be stopped for any reason as it's all there is. Nothing else exists. Greenhouse gases, alien craft, all the things people want to hear and hate to be divested of, but it's all the same. If Tony Blair and Al Gore say so it still doesn't make it so. They are rich, powerful and famous not for telling the truth or helping the masses. Al Gore was called a liar by a British judge who listed at least 17 of them to prove it. And people still look at the world and think it's changing. But the changes involved in global warming, the harmonic shift or any other dreamed up BS could not be seen by individuals as they are on a world scale and hidden in systems so even the top scientists can't dig them all out, yet they expect us to see it.

Of course had an alien craft actually displayed itself for all to see none of us would be writing any more as we would have been superseded by a higher fact. Until then you've just got bloggers. It's good for my intuition though as it means each time I'm challenged I'm more able to draw on it and trust it, and let it grow. Some facts need sources like the growing glaciers, but others, like the lack of an alien craft arrival just need our own inner feeling to tell us they're bogus. Once you've found your intuition on something easy like that you can let it work on other things until you know what it feels like and are confident with it.

It works very well meeting new people especially. A feeling about that person is rarely wrong if strong enough, and negative vibes tend to be stronger although thank goodness my positive ones started working as well. When I saw Rachel enter Big Brother this year within 5 minutes I felt a rare connection with someone special, which remained to the end and was felt by enough others to vote her the winner. That is the most hopeful event this year. Not for her or the programme but it was a test of people's intuition they actually passed. The more you use it the more subtle things it'll discern and don't ever worry if you can't back up what you feel or know, as it's the highest level of knowledge, direct knowing.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Psychic research review

I've been busy today (surprise from all around) on many different fronts. Some totally wasted effort, some real work (more surprise but despite no regular job I do some work and always have), and a lot of research. One contact pointed me to another prediction, that the ETs are going to appear in a ship on the 14th of October. Oh dear, not again. These buggers don't give advance warning. No one ever does. 'He shall come as a thief in the night' is thousands of years old and a quote that applies to every major event in the universe. Can you imagine the aliens putting an ad in the Radio Times 'Tuesday October 14th 6pm (GMT) Alien ship arrival in the skies. All channels'. If only. The only interesting part was all satellite images have had a kite shaped area covered up over the Arctic for days as the US Defense department who censor such things have something they don't want us to see.
Of course it's actually all the money flowing out of Iceland who have just robbed the world of billions, including £15 million from my own London borough. Or they have gunships trained on it already to take it over on our behalf and can't be seen doing so. That makes sense.

Meanwhile life goes on. I look in authentic places for my escape for the world and follow up the less likely as well just in case. The greatest feature of ufos and their occupants is their selectivity. They decide who will see and hear them and do not announce anything but the vaguest details. Such details however are authentic as the spidersweb of data I've collected over the last 7 years has such obscure information, often given by more than one person, that by the time I've checked it all I've had to dig around obscure corners for weeks. Be honest, for example, how many people know (or can even find) Hathor relates to the Pleiades. The Pleiades are the Seven Sisters, and Hathor in Egypt had 7 different animal representations, each relating to one of the stars in the constellation. My client produced this over two sessions, through her contact called Sarsha. One day I was watching Lyssa Royal Holt on TV and she started talking about it and the various plans for the Earth and how they worked with the ancient Egyptians. I said hang on, this is the same thing my client told me. Then she said her channel was Sarsha.
The chance my client had come across her as well is unlikely but possible, but she isn't the only one telling me this. Someone else covered half the same information before I met her and clearly not from Lyssa as seemed to come from a different source. I check and double check all my people, and a liar can be tripped up sooner or later however clever. And the point of coming to me from miles away to discover who knows what doesn't seem at the time a way to start a new career. I'm the one seeking publicity not them, and do it through what I believe are honest people providing new information.

It's better than being bored anyway. I meet many fascinating new people and many are anonymous and terrified of being known about. Their stories are no different from the others and all follow a similar pattern which seems to imply the same sort of thing has happened to all of them. Liars can't all make up the same story. Not this complex. I crossed the point of doubt years ago but have to address them for the readers as technically the best evidence is obscure experiences shared by people scattered around the world, plus scientific information that holds up under testing. I've seen dodgy presentations all over the place, and they all seem too good to be true, contradict themselves, drop big names and end up being one person's attempt for publicity and money. Planet X, Ed Dames (the one who announced the last date for a ufo to be revealed in front of the world's press on a particular date), Orme powder (look it up if you need to), and so many others which unravel on contact. Unlike these the few that remain build with time and add new facts.

If the 14th proves to be real then all us researchers will be free as there'll be nothing left to research. There will be no disbelievers and no religion. And (ahem) no more talk about global fucking warming. Any world where the population are so flaming thick they genuinely accept a small rise in temperature will make a blind bit of difference just shows that an average IQ of 100 is easily led. Like borrowing money they can't pay back. All the same thing. The poor sheep, some (triple figure IQs) learn from their mistakes and kick themselves for being caught in the first place, the rest often go back for more, like the total maroons who bought privatised shares after they'd almost gone broke. We all see and know people flying into the flame like moths, and can do nothing about it, but it costs us all money when they make us broke for allowing policies to affect us all.

I've had long enough to test my own intuition to trust it nowadays. Not in small details but bigger pictures. I see it in others, and regularly check back to see if they are on the same track or not as me. When we all work out the same thing as if it was in a diagram in front of us then we are presumably right. There will always be well meaning and desperate people wishing for things to happen to fix it but that doesn't happen. The bastards will still be bastards and ET has better things to do and places to go than worry about us. They would have got where they were by steady evolution not sudden education from outside, and will have to let every other race do the same. I suppose at least this won't drag on for years like Planet X, but is no different. This poor guy who has built a whole website on it like Planet X did in 2003 (predictions made for arrival every few months) will see his career end on the 15th. I deal in science which takes steady effort and occasionally gets a sudden jump. The Large Hadron Collider, our only scientific tool publicly allowed to work, may even have been sabotaged, as definitely the powers that be have made efforts to stop it already with no luck and it is now well buggered for a long time. They may have discovered nothing but we may now never have the chance to find out as I expect as soon as they fix it another part will mysteriously fail as if British Leyland/Rover have quietly started business building that when they went out of it here. That or someone's tampering with it.

David's prediction: On the 15th of October my blog will still be here! I'll put my house on that one, if I'm not then I won't need it anyway.

Thursday, October 09, 2008

Sea level rises, the actual details

Did you know... Mean sea level has risen 1mm a year since the end of the last ice age. Current measurements have increased to 2-3mm a year. That means (I must use Imperial now as I follow it) in 100 years the maximum level (ie the worst case scenario currently advertised) is a rise of about a foot. Many countries have large areas below sea level already, and with the time to protect or leave, people in both flood plains (ie irresponsible building and planning regulations that allowed it) and in those countries barely above sea level will have to make the inevitable move that had to be done anyway. London, however, the place Al Gore, Tony Blair and George Monbiot (more holes in his articles than Swiss cheese, trust me) love to quote to put the bejasus up you is not 1 foot above sea level, or 2. In fact the banks of the Thames in the centre are all artifical so they could reclaim more land and make it run faster to avoid sewage floating in it (sorry for the graphics but it is my local history).

The areas either sides of the river are either walled up heavily or have houses right to the edge which have flooded regularly since they were built in Victorian times. People chose to have a nice view and mooring and suffer the consequences, as they do in every town in the country. The government say if people want to build in lousy places it's up to the market to take it or leave it rather than just ban it altogether. So insurance goes up and eventually won't be given as the claims are used up. That is nothing to do with sea level rise and they are the ones who will be affected by it in 2100 or 2200 when we are all not here to know if it ever happens. So if Al Gore doesn't mind I'm not going to worry about the sea rising at a rate none of us can dispute his veracity on as he's pitching at a time impossible to prove, and if they put every penny spent on research into global warming to stop raw sewage being put into the water system worldwide we'd see the benefit in a few years. I'm not a gambler so would always prefer to put my money on a certainty thank you.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

It's raining so here I am

I have now found a blog on agoraphobia that describes the whole thing far better than I can so O won't bother trying to describe something that took me over 20 years to understand for people who don't even believe I have it, let alone want to learn more. But however I try and describe it I do know what it is whether or not I can explain it here properly or not. Lynn does it very nicely and corresponds with what I said as well so that can be the source of education following it in its variations from day to day. We are not all housebound or unable to go to the shops but it can sure shit us up when we try.

As it's raining I'm not out doing what I do within 'today's boundaries' which is the key phrase. Every day is different and they change like the Polish border. And god help me if anyone wants me to cross them. That's the phobia. It's not mandatory to follow it and do nothing as accused of. Not that I didn't go out today, but no fun or photos and am waiting on a phone call to go back to collect the door for my bathroom cabinet once they've made it. Because my builder hasn't bothered to do anything I'm gradually getting things done myself like the door, and my father has just fixed two taps I didn't realise anyone could without being a plumber. Besides the asbestos garage roof all the other bits are minor and few are now left and not urgent. But the value I've added to the house (13 years now and counting) with the loft room and new kitchen must have made the investment increase by double what the extras cost me.

This week could go either way, but like Buddha and the old Liberal party will probably be in the middle. One high is a DVD just arrived of the BBC Trade Test films I'd asked for online and haven't seen since they were last on around 1972. I've put out an appeal for the next programme, of a similar age but still owned and used by BBC but I missed their last showing. Who knows. As I said I've done all I can with Christine now, the lost sheep from 1974, and will be very interested to see her apparently very well hidden dark side when I phone her after not receiving any replies. That was the last resort but she brought it on herself. Rudeness is never needed although most people are very good at it. She never has been and I honestly couldn't imagine it being in her. How the mighty fall. Someone says not to contact them and then sends you their new number. A man would never act like that, we are more like the American roads, wide and straight and can see exactly where we're going. Women are like ours here, twists, turns, and often end up where you started. Go figure. She has broken every element of belief I had in people now as I'd held her up as an example for half my life and there are very few others left to replace her, especially female.

My plans now are all practical and not work or pleasure related besides checking who has sold any postcards. I still believe enlightenment is now a reality and that is a huge shift in my own perceptions, and one that can lead me there as well. And most of those who have made it seem to have done it in a similar way, by moving on from teacher to teacher rather than being able to get it all from one. Not using more than one at a time though. I always look at others as I knew there was something I needed, but now I've found it and only use the method Nick gave me as it still seems the right one for me. The others have their own methods but can't be doing with complex performances every day that only serve to get you to the same place Nick does. Their difference is energy transfer (shaktipat) which can't be done by you anyway and needs a shakti master, of which there are very few. And they can send it anywhere so no need to have to see them in person as I discovered with my own. That clears at least as much of the blockage as practices, and the final point is they have proved practices both work and are required for enlightenment, if you do nothing or just listen to satsang you will get nowhere.
I now slip between normal life and returning to my presence, as that is where it lies. We are told the longer and more frequently we do this something will happen, and also I've seen it's rarely a sudden switch but people do start noticing something and then it moves along from there.

I am looking on the current (apparent) economic shenanigans with an interested detachment. I learnt not to borrow long ago and treat the little money I have like children, I know where it's come from, where it is and where it's going. And I never spend it on anything except essentials and the odd thing that I can afford when I see it. I got everything I really needed by the time I was 30 and now it's mainly maintenance and new technology plus replacements when things pack up. If you save it then it's there for when you need it. So if there's any schadenfreude it's only because much if not all of these current problems were avoidable and can't see any way they can touch me. And oil went down yesterday! That will help nearly everyone on earth as it'll reduce inflation and our money will go further as long as it stays there. But I really don't think it'll hit that many normal people this time, and lots are already making it big buying up low stocks. I think in a year it'll all have blown over and not go down in history as it tends to correct itself. Most of the money never existed as it was created to pay for houses worth half their cost, and if they insisted on giving double what many people knew they were worth then the chances of getting it back with interest were reduced. They thought houses would stay up forever, unlike shares, and got a reality check. Big deal. And any recession is an average and they vary in size. They use 6 months shrinkage, but don't measure how much, so a small recession is like a quiet period, but a big one is like the 1930s. If we go into one next year I don't think many will be affected unless their own company goes broke, and unemployment has never been long term here so everything will return to normal and those with protection will survive if they lose their jobs. Too late for me though, that happened 8 years ago!

I have said goodbye to old projects now, if any pop up months later to surprise me I'll be very pleased but have figuratively said kaddish (prayers for the dead) for every one that's been mouldering in the background. A clear slate and no longer within my powers to do anything about that. I'll keep looking after the house and garden, my family and creating what I can, and the rest is out of my hands. It always was but now I realise it.

Sunday, October 05, 2008

I'm doing nothing.

It's odd how keeping a journal focuses you on how little actually happens in a period of time. I'm working my way through the usual process of elimination where I start one project after another, and one by one they either drop off (mostly) or make progress. One high spot is someone says they have tw TV programmes I've been searching for for ages and haven't seen for nearly 40 years. I hope that'll provide a result if no other. Other than that it was the usual out when dry and in when wet, about half and half, and did another video and lots of photos although I always think I've run out of places.
All the apparent news stories really mean little besides to those involved, but need bigging up for the media. So Hurricane Ike (not to mention the others) blew 7 types of shit out of Galveston, but as hurricanes do that somewhere every year it didn't end up on our news. The US have bailed out the irresponsible lenders so waste has been rewarded. That's not news, it's fraud. And as for the Hadron Collider, give me strength...

My own life is not affected by anything besides my local news based on the current council member decisions, and the oil price. The economy is a generality, and unless you're in Rwanda or Zimbabwe, or much of Eastern Europe, you are in charge of your own destiny. You won't go broke here or in the US unless there's a good reason for it. People who gamble or borrow too much are not affected by the economy but their own decisions. People who study and get decent jobs as a result can set themselves up to be protected. And if you get income and savings in as many different places as possible then you aren't relying on one to win or lose. I'd be delighted if every twat with more than say £1000 personal credit was foreclosed, which they can and do do on business loans at will, and see the results. That would make them think next time. It's not their money and they are paying stupid fees for the privilege of using it. And half the time the companies know it's a waste of effort and let them off the debts eventually. Just as our governments are now big time. Great example to the world. You fuck up everyone else's cash and we'll sort you out. And in America it can't even affect the election result as they both voted for it. All corrupt at the bottom of it and no surprise there.

Summer is over, it's cold now and getting dark earlier, and I may start a painting soon and wind back the photography while it's not so easy. I'm no longer chasing women besides old exes online, and the media work comes to me and not any effort of my own. I've accepted any friends I had are either abroad or drifted off and the remainder aren't replacements so I don't bother. Just wandering around Golders Green in the shops, roads and parks is good enough for now, as although I no longer live or work near there I can get there quickly and still be part of the life there. I worked in 4 different shops there, washing up in a cafe, my first real job in an estate agent, a week taking orders in a butcher's as a student and 5 years in the sports shop. I continued walking up and down the very long rows of shops offering my experience and generated absolutely no interest. The customers were the worst, having worked in shops all over the place, but it's a nice area. I'll be checking the postcard sales as well soon as two places won't pay me before they sell them and bound not to tell me if they do. But that is publicity not work, although eventually may lead to some.

So basically my plans are no longer active. Doing courses is the easiest way to change your life and I did that endlessly so despite some people suggesting I do more (let them at 48...) have drawn a line there. In case anyone missed it that's a law degree (1984) certificate in counselling (88) diploma in counselling (91) certificate in hypnosis (93?) and memberships of the psychotherapy, hypnotherapy and counselling organisations at pretty high levels. I also did Reiki as a healer and teacher as well as shamanic healing. But these are qualificatons to be self employed (ie you don't need them) as legally anyone can do all this with not one day's study. And there aren't many real jobs for us so I don't have one. The only work it's ever got me besides private is from students who need someone with my qualifications and all pay half price and get loads of extra help for nothing. Great. I like doing it but it's just a hobby really as the expenses beat the income this year so far by hundreds. I don't care as the one free thing it has done is allow me to speak as an 'expert'. Thank god for small mercies. You study for 3 years for what you expect to be a profession and the only real benefit is when you get interviewed by the media. They want qualifications as well so do actually treat us far better than the government who say therapy qualifications are meaningless.

I wouldn't have done anything differently though as that's what I want to do, and entertainment isn't based on qualifications but getting an Equity card and being bloody persistent. Just with the smallest talent you only get work through networking, bribery (if you are dishonest) and persistence. You must make yourself obvious and get to know as many successful people as possible who then feed you work over those far better but unknown. It's not a secret. I gave up the Equity route as studying all those years (and failing many on the way) was using all my attention without leading two lives at once. And again at 48 I'm not finding some sleazy hotel and trying to entertain people who are drunk for a year for that, I've tried and it's really not worth it, and those are the non-Equity jobs.

And finally although I haven't done my 'passive diversion' routine to put anyone off, so many people who did get back in touch with me have vanished again I'm really wondering what gets into them? Besides reporting it all here (that's what a blog does) I haven't named any of them and when they can see who I mean it's all been positive, as I'm only rude when treated badly already. I only put people off when they want to go out somewhere and my condition stops me. If they wee really good friends they don't care anyway, but the others come and go and wouldn't push myself for any of them as it can set me back for months. My limits are very clear as are the results of trying to cross them. I've tried often enough to know where that line is and to respect it. They don't care or understand but expect me to with their problems. Par for the course. As for the woman who kept up with me for 34 years and it was me who didn't get it on as she lived too far away, why she's dropped me now is the oddest one as it's not like her. The other person who just did is also quite unlikely to but don't know him so well to trust him like that. But she was one of the few examples I had of someone I could look up to and respect. How anyone like that can be a turd like everyone else doesn't make sense and it would make more if she'd been killed (like two others I couldn't track down) but she hasn't. I told her all this a couple of days ago but I've got more chance of sucking my own cock than getting anything from her. QED.