Caught between a stool and another stool

I've just tried the fonts after noticing they all looked the same and turned out they haven't been working for months. Very odd. Blogger support isn't worth the days involved but at least I know why not.
I've been doing a little more than usual, although the peak of the work has only been booking a doctor's appointment before the tablets run out. For almost 15 years they only booked the next day as although it was the law many didn't follow it. Now it's been dropped it was a week. Surely if they can make it the next day when forced they can full stop. Stupid buggers. I've done the front garden for possibly the last time since spring, finished my supermarket vouchers and dropped more stuff off at a charity shop. I've got a visitor tomorrow so covered and won't think beyond.

The good news (it does happen) is my first publicly published article should be out next week, I'll put up a link when it does but that's another step along the career ladder after 9 years of ufo investigation. Otherwise it's pretty much business as usual, the optician will be next and then hopefully all clear. Looking back at the year now I've definitely done a lot more than for some time, clearing my grandma's house, returning to the dentist, seeing a couple of women, getting all the old road sign photos, and whatever else has been sorted out I can't remember. Life shouldn't be about passing obligations but they do look very big to me probably as there's no one else around to distract me from them. And getting an indirect proposal (almost direct now since I didn't ask myself). Getting stuck with the wrong woman? I know exactly who the right women are. And have even attracted a few once. But now it's about being realistic, you don't want to risk more decades alone and then get any old widow for a few years and die. But I don't want a ball and chain either, had plenty of girlfriends like that so I can manage alone indefinitely but prefer not to.

Sometimes it seems it's getting closer to something happening, but from the evidence besides sorting out the rarest road sign in London everything else appears exactly the same as 15 years ago when I moved here, less a job and friends (same person actually). And grandma now of course but can't complain at 99. I've no idea what else I've managed without realising it (do we ever?) as as you get older it's about direction and focus rather than sheer effort, which had to end after my degree and subsequent jobs and studies, especially as the energy does reduce over time. I've never done what other people did at the same time, either being much later, earlier, or in the case of a long term partner not at all. It still pisses me off when some people genuinely claim you can get anything you want in life, as even if you find ways to meet more people there's never any guarantee of the quality. The number of bad marriages I hear about now makes it seem they'd rather not have bothered, although those of us on the outside can't understand why considering they all knew each other well enough before doing it. If this woman decided to move in with me then it would be easy, nothing to lose and if the 1% chance she'd somehow stop being boring and 0.001% chance she'd turn out to have something intelligent to say then I'd not only be amazed but also prepared to get married. I don't ask for much, but someone with a mental age in double figures isn't too much is it?

Am I being guided? Technically I must be all the time now I've seen it over and over again, but as I said about God seems very messy. The answer to all my questions were the devil causes all the shit, although my reading (in a book) was of course you can only have one God so the devil must be a side of the same entity. And we're in a fallen world. Again, why create a world and set us up to not just fall but apparently not have the means to fix it ourselves? That makes it even worse to me, and although I'm also aware of a supernatural guidance in life I'd say it was from another level of consciousness or dimension, maybe confusable with God but the place that supplies us with both ideas and influences. As I said before the good thing is I discovered I didn't actually care if God existed anyway as whatever you've got isn't any different either way, if someone showed me today I'd just say well it's there but isn't going to change anything is it? But like quantum physics, maybe once you observed it it couldn't be the same any more. And I'm not waiting till I die for any reward, and the punishment is apparently as I suspected, right here, the fallen world, ie hell. Maybe this is after death already and I can't remember my life? It would mean I am immortal of course but again if you don't know it then it doesn't help either. I hope I've confused you now as that's the effect it had on me.