Just for fun

[the alphabet survey]
Created by thetoasternetwork and taken 7399 times on bzoink!
Act your age	44
Born on what day of the week	Friday
Chore you hate	cleaning carpets
Dad's name	Cyril
Essentail make-up item	aftershave
Favorite actors/actresses	woody allen, jason alexander
Gold or sliver	gold
Hometown	Kingsbury
Instruments you play	piano, guitar
Job title	psychotherapist
Kids	not so far
Living arrangements	alone
Mom's name	Valerie
Number of socks you own	maybe 40 pairs?
Overnight hospital stays	twice
Phobia	audiences
Quote you like	I didn't get where I am today by using quotes
Religious affiliation	Jewish
Siblings	none
Time you woke up today	2pm
Unusual habits	getting up at 2pm
Vicious thing you've done	only name calling as a child really
Worst habit	nose picking
X-rays you've had	ankle, nose
Your favorite season	summer
Zodiac sign	aquarius
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Speculation

As real life in Kingsbury contains no genuine events beyond sitting opposite Arsene Wenger on Monday at an Arsenal reserves match, for a bit of fun I have decided to speculate on all the possible behind the scenes activities that may make their way into my awareness.

I've sent the ideas parts of the blog to two places now, one hasn't replied, as I expected, the other just went off today. As people have asked me to try and get some of my work they've read published it has encouraged me to believe eventually it will be recognised as usable, especially as seen through the eyes of a therapist.

I have just written a letter to one of the people I met on Big brother, so of course it would be incredible to get a reply. I don't trust them to forward it, as they probably bin most of the ones they get, but I can't think of any other way to make sure it gets there.

Otherwise, my guess based on experience is 'none of the above'.

By the way, I am fully aware of the times I repeat myself here, but that is because life repeats itself and this reflects my life. I hope each repetition is slightly different to the last similar entry, meaning life isn't actually moving in a circle but going in another direction at the same time as well. The dance of repeated events and progress from one wasted attempt to the next appears to be an endless cycle, not only since I started this but since over 2 years ago.

Just for fun (I've got little else to do at the moment) I'll try and think of any higher spots since life froze in 2002. The most important point is only one has been a lasting one, the rest came and went.

I did meet 4 big brother members, and get my 5 seconds on TV, as recorded here, and saw all 13 from last year from outside the party.
I have had answered all the questions on enlightenment, (ditto) in a recent lecture.
I am in contact with Kendall again.
I've had some articles published.
I met 7 Funtrivia members.

Now I'm struggling. In the same period,

I was turned down by a few women
I didn't get further than one job interview from all my applications
I was accused of being a criminal by someone who should have known better
I had almost two years-worth of friends reunited emails ignored
I've had hardly any of the renovations done on my house I ordered
My best friend's now installed 5000 miles away indefinitely
Ken Livingstone's turned London into a fair copy of communist Russia (for those unfamiliar, he has: Charged £5 to drive into central London, soon to be extended. Refused to widen the busiest road in London, the North Circular, raised bus prices from 70p to £1.20 next year, raised tube prices, invited over and praised Islamic militants, and fought with any council that dares to use its independence to undo any road restrictions by withholding funds.

These are just the ones I remember, any more will be added as they come to me. Is this the same crap as everyone gets, or is it really the pits here?

Relationships

My main idea here is to delve behind the facade of other peoples' relationships. I was virtually the only person left behind in 1988 when nearly all my friends got married in one bunch. A few have followed, some being much younger than me, but my main question is 'Love or convenience???' This warrants the full three question marks as no one will admit to marrying out of desperation except one old girlfriend of mine who told a friend of hers and it got back to me. But my guess is that maybe about half the marriages I know of were for love, but others have to be a practical decision. A clue was years ago when I saw a friend at the infamous Brent Cross shopping centre, who said 'It's time I got married now, I'm going to ask my girlfriend'. This was over ten years ago, and guess what- he's still single! But it showed me the attitude existed where people see others pairing off and feel they have to join in now or they'll be left behind and out of it. Surely we meet people we love at random, so how comes about 80% of my friends all married in 1988 and besides the one, still are, and to the same people.

I said already the last thing friends ever discover is someone's marriage isn't doing well. The social iniquity people believe admitting they aren't happy together is so great they carry on like Charles and Diana until suddenly one day you find they've split up. Others just struggle along for ever but frequently sweeten the pill with affairs, which again not a soul ever hears about. I am honest, and can safely say I may have met two women by the age of 35 I wanted to marry, and in the 20 year gap between them genuinely wondered if I'd ever meet one since Vivienne. But rather than plan to settle for someone who was convenient and available because I also felt it was time I was married, I waited till I was 35 and met the next one who showed me it was possible. Since then I was told how to tell who was right more easily and now I know the qualities, I can see them quickly and would never doubt my judgement in following up when I do find them. But am I single because I actually waited till I was 35 before I honestly found anyone I felt like marrying? Does it mean so many people who married at 28 did so as that was the time and they squeezed whichever 'better than average' relationship they had into the marriage mould regardless of their true feelings, hoped for the best, and put on a brave front ever since?

I was present a few times where these decisions were made, and I can say one was definitely genuine as I was the one who got them together, and many years later I was thanked for doing so! The second was at a friend's party. I'll admit I don't approach women at parties, it's a blockage I have but the way round it is to ask someone to go with me and they then leave after we've all got talking (thank you Simon!). So I was sitting with friends opposite a woman about whom I said 'She looks nice, what the hell shall I do' and before I could plan, the friend whose flat we were in went and talked to her. They're still married now. I'm not sure if he knew her already, which would have given him a head start. Finally I had a female friend I met when I was going out with someone already, and that was it for me, my hands were tied as I date one at a time only. I saw her as a friend wishing I could have met her first, and when I'd finished with number one woman, number two, Vicky, had just met someone else, so I didn't get a chance to find out either way. Being a friend I always saw her more than any of her boyfriends, but after he left the scene she said she wasn't interested in me. Then we were in a pub with a group of us, and she said there was this young boy who wouldn't leave her alone. We were just leaving when this kid with woolly black hair came in and started talking to her. Half an hour later we were still waiting. She said 'That was him, he's really boring, he's just a market trader' etc etc., and they got married that year, and are still. Go figure...

I'll open the question to all as always, how many people are really married out of convenience than love? I need to know!

The egg

I just got permission from the individual referred to as 'the egg that will take a long time to hatch' to tell all three readers here the details behind the description.

Well, some time ago I came across a lovely lady on one of my internet forums who had a website and a picture that intrigued me, so I emailed to tell her. She was very pleased, but then didn't reply to my last email and that, I thought, was that. Over a year later a message arrived with an apology, which, following an earlier comment I made here, of course I accepted. (As I'd said it's not terminal whatever anyone does to me as long as they apologise, I never hold grudges unless it's something totally evil, which does happen to me very occasionally). The difficulty is she lives 3700 miles away. As far as we can tell from all the informastion you are able to get at a distance (which we've been using regularly since) we are compatible, hardly any doubt about that. But I have to wait a year to see her when she plans to visit England.

I have likened this to both a fairy tale where the King tests the suitors for the princess, and a Greek myth. Either way, the scriptwriter had decided to write a 'situation' for us, and all I can say today is if a year had passed I may well be in the position I'd like to be in now. Her name I can use is Kendall, so as she's probably going to read this in about 24 hours, hello Kendall, I hope you like what I've written about you, and there's a comment box at the bottom if you want to join in. I have 100 ideas how the next 12 months will pass, and I hope the better scenarios on the list will be closer to the reality, and it doesn't turn out to strain my sanity waiting longer than is comfortable!

Generally I hear more and more people who meet on the internet from great distances apart, of course the complete worldwide nature of it means you come across people who you like you'd never have known existed, but the practical problems (including national rules and regulations) make it incredibly complicated. But in 44 years the local women, as shown on my list, have been fairly readily available and all doomed to disaster. So it means I'm actually living in a social desert here, as previously I have gone to many other events and places over the years I virtually stopped singles parties, and met a selection of lunatics. Now one thing Kendall isn't is a lunatic! Even across the sea, I can tell none of the warning signs are there. In fact probably 90% of all the women I meet aren't lunatics, just most I actually go out with. This is mainly due to the fact that after about 25 to 30, nearly all the normal women without mental and social problems are spoken for. I almost cut myself off for a few years till I was 24 as I had my struggle with my degree as a priority, and when I was 'released' I found the supply had already reduced to a trickle compared to before, and there was a 'hard core' of the same people I'd seen ten years previously, most of whom I've been told still go week after week now.

Then I blitzed dating agencies for two years, and met bitter twisted divorcees mainly, most about ten years older than me, and some 15 to 20 miles away. After that I left things to chance, and found the majority of girlfriends through being introduced by friends and family, with varying results. I am racking my brains to think of anyone suitable since 1990 with Aviva, who is now married and still looks the same as I have seen her on occasional visits here. She didn't seem very cheerful since the marriage so who knows what's going on there. The one I wanted to marry in 1995 was only theoretical, as: 1) She had a boyfriend 2) I looked like her abusive father 3) She was religious 4) She was bossy 5) She was a lot younger than me. Oddly enough, she was also called Aviva, but looking back Aviva 1 didn't have one reason not for it to work besides she pissed off to Israel before she had a chance to get to know me (I say it that way as I was already smitten) but I think the marriage potential wasn't seen till much later. I spent a lot longer with Aviva 2 as a friend so got to know her well enough to feel the pull from the heart despite all the practical reasons that would make it impossible. The two Sarahs had the looks and personality if you joined them together, and then if you dropped the insanity the final result may have been perfect, but Doctor Frankenstein was only a mythical character, and this operation would have been too much of a challenge anyway. I will explore this general topic in the next post as it deserves one of its own. More news as it comes.

Another car

Why the hell is it that only the Japanese sell classic styled cars? The latest to hit the market was the 2000 Toyota origin, based on the Toyopet Corona from the early 60s.

Publishing plans

I just sent a selection from my blog to my first magazine of possibly (God forbid) hundreds. My next project, which has been suggested many times, is to capitalise on my disastrous past with women and write a complete history of my love life.

I will begin here with a summary of every girlfriend/potential girlfriend and how it went wrong (yes, I still have a 100% record on that one...). To make things easier, I'll / tick each one I liked, to see how those went far worse than the ordinary ones or worse.

1) Melissa/ 1st girlfriend, taught me a lot. Firstly, you have to have something to talk about 'after' as well. Secondly, don't chuck anyone nice just because they're boring (unless you've met someone else). I did that, realised what I'd done, and called her back the next day, too late. Big boo-boo.

2) Linda// (she gets an extra tick, believe me). Met on holiday, took out once, scared her off sadly.

3) Liz C. Met on holiday because her friend I liked was already with someone. Invited me to stay with her in England, on arrival found she had a boyfriend.

4) Alison. Nice enough but nothing special

5) Suzanne. First and last girlfriend I ever argued with. Turned out she was having psychiatric treatment which explained everything. Started a trend for the future…

6) Amarylla/ Bad start. First date, her party, she was with someone else. She became a good friend till she got engaged years later, but I never was her standard.

7) Vivienne/ Only mutual relationship of my life. As soon as it was about to get interesting, I brought her home late and her mother stopped her seeing me. Downhill ever since.

8) Judy D. Oh my god, this was the really boring compared to Melissa who wasn't really bad at all. One date was more than enough

9) Caron/ All I can say is I would have had far more luck with her mother, who was a darling.

10) Lorna/ The original local tart. I was one of many, from what I could tell. Couldn't keep her attention very long as a result.

11) Tracy. Her father was straight from Harry Enfield complete with vest and huge belly. One date only.

12) Cheryl. Nothing special, we probably ended up boring each other

13) Pauline/ What a picture. Nothing else, but what a view!

14) Janet K. The most loyal one of the lot. Pity she had little else going for her. I then met

15) Janet W/ Who I swapped her for. A fiery communist (still) who I embarrassed myself totally with and put her off.

16) Ann/ Actually said she did me a favour to go out with me.

17) Helene/ Too in love with herself to have any room for a man as well. And French...

18) Anita. Good relationship (for a change) though she couldn't survive with only one man at a time. Ran its course.

19) Jane/ Met while Anita was chasing someone else at a party. Top drawer aristo, but bored with me after one date.

20) Sally. Another average job, port in a storm etc. Lovely house though...

21) Lucy. See 'Judy D' above

22) Jessica. Lovely girl, but talked from the minute we left the cinema till I got her home, about all her friends I didn't know. I couldn't take any more.

23) Georgina. Very similar to Cheryl, dull as they come, she probably decided I was too highly sexed for her as by then I'd developed enough patience not to chuck anyone for just being dull.

24) Kathy/ American beauty, daughter of a diplomat. I could never reach her requirements.

25) Donna/ Canadian, non-diplomat, from a council estate on a temporary visit here. Mine was even shorter sadly.

26) Liz/ Second best of the lot (after Vivienne, as though Linda got //, Vivienne had the personality as well and it could have lasted a very long time). I learnt how to analyse relationships from her, as when we simultaneously got fed up after a while, I couldn't understand why as I thought she was perfect. But after running through everything found she had no sense of humour.

27) Jan. My major conquest, as she was nearly 5' 10'', but other than that, nothing special. She got bored first though.

28) Linda. A Not bad at all but she didn't share my enthusiasm.

29) Antonia. Probably saw me more as a rather annoying friend. Looked a bit masculine, so I survived the rejection.

30) Lisa. Half witted but hot. Sadly lived in Essex, and my degree didn't allow me enough time to keep going there so she had to go.

31) Sandra. Another zombie. One date was it.

32) Helen L. A bit of a b. Thought I was a neurotic social cripple, good luck to her.

33) Rose. Possibly from another planet. Fell in love with me, but as she wouldn't 'do anything', and was weird, had to go.

34) Clare. Was the sister of an earlier effort (no names) and as she showed more interest, I stayed with her till someone else mentioned something about marriage, and I realised the idea wasn't very inviting.

35)Laura . Was local. A good start, and little else...

36) Charmaine/ What we call in North London a 'real shikser broch'. True working class, provincial crumpet, but wasn't prepared to share it with me. Lived 70 miles away, which didn't help either.

37) Carol/ No personality, but everything else. Didn't share it with me either.

38) Jill. Convenient rather than interesting, I got a wee bit ahead of myself and put her off. No loss.

39) Caroline. She wanted a serious relationship, but there wasn't enough there for me. Good friend though.

40) Karin. The German au pair. Simple country girl with no brains and no looks. Of course something kept me going out with her for a while, at least.

41) Jane. Not my idea, believe me.

42) Beryl. Yes, she really was called Beryl! Said she was a few years older than me but looked a lot more. Nothing in common.

43) Julia. Overweight sex maniac. As soon as I met her her son moved back home and distracted her from anything else. No great loss.

44) Carole. Lived a long way away, she proposed, stayed here for a while to see what happened, realised it wasn't a going concern and decided against it.

45) Sarah// Only other one to get two ticks, but two timed me from day one until the first man won. Mad as a box of frogs.

46) Suzanne. Another slow one, bossy as hell, I had to pack her in when my sanity was running out.

47, 48 and 49. As these are too current, I can only give a summary to protect the living. 44, no, 45 was only in the country for a week, and that's it up till today. There were many more I went out with as well but didn't qualify for the main list (someone's now asking "how do you do that?"). I think the Americans call it 'first base'. There are some on that list who deserve a mention to better illustrate my dismal results.

Aviva/ I met her at a party and was bowled over. When I went to her house I noticed how bare it was. She said 'I'm going away on Wednesday' I said how long for? The house was bare as it was for sale, as they'd already bought a new one, 2000 miles away.

Anna/ Split up with her boyfriend and found we were working in the same parade, as I'd known her for years when she was still taken. Within days he claimed her back, of course, before anything 'happened'.

Christine/ My mistake. Met on holiday, but I was approached by someone I'd already had my eye on so sadly couldn't juggle the two. Ten years later turned out someone I met knew her, and gave me her number. Amazingly, she still seemed to like me. I was still pretty young and naive, and decided she lived too far to make the effort (about 40 miles away). She probably turned out to be the second best one I missed out on after Vivienne.

Pam/ Like Carol, looks in bunches, but dead as a blow-up doll. As she lived 80 miles away was doomed from the start.

Sarah2. I met her when with Sarah1, and apart from a nasal problem (possibly up for a world record) was a much nicer person and prospect. I saw her once after Sarah 1 had ran off, and made such an arse of myself she wouldn't speak to me again. I think the reaction was totally out of proportion considering I had known her for some time already.

and finally, last and not least, the major b. from page one of my blog. I believe it may have been set up in advance, as she said she liked me, which prompted me to say I liked her, then she withdrew it the next day (claiming she never said it as well) and make me look like a total wanker. I feel sorry for anyone who has to bother to go that low, or at least do it without thinking, and if there is a hell, unless she pulls her socks up, she's going there!

Some names have been changed to protect the innocent. Others may be guilty so can get stuffed.

Chaos!!!

Yes, life outside has produced another flurry of chaos. But this time, thanks to the great teacher Nick Roach www.nickroach.co.uk who I saw just over a week ago, Ican now begin to rise above it, and observe it from a distance. Maybe (if the 'scriptwriter' theory is correct) this has been given as a test for me to demonstrate the effectiveness of Nick's teaching, and especially compared to the total impotence of previous teachers, though they did contribute to my total understanding. So, you may ask, what is the scriptwriter theory?

Well, it simply means that anyone who observes too many connections in their life for chance, the implication is someone is writing a script (for whichever reasons) whether it be ourselves, a higher force or God himself. Many theories abound, but at times like this things fit together too tidily to think they may really just be a random mix of billions of independent human beings.

OK, at the moment, life 'outside' is dull, dull, dull. And no reason why it shouldn't be, I said in earlier posts that what hasn't happened yet (however likely or good) doesn't really exist. So any egg or eggs I have are nothing more than that. And, as a great Funtrivia colleague says, you don't hatch an egg by smashing it, you have to wait for it to hatch. And that may never happen, or take bloody ages!

David's progress report

Minor and major issues balance eachother out here, firstly I walked into Debenhams and saw some perfectly good coloured resin watchstraps, and now have a blue one to match the watch that needed it (sort of...). Well now I've got that off my chest (I started the saga so I had to finish, though it was 10 times more dubious to report than my digital decoder fiasco) I can talk about less stultifying (to quote my old friend Vicky) subjects.
The egg I mentioned is still there, but may be a bit of a large one so taking a long time to hatch, but to quote the fairytale, would be a golden one if it did. More on that as time passes.

Otherwise the moment, ie 'now' has little of any mention, I'll just have to hope things can (in the short term, I still have to live) become a bit more interesting. The business side went suddenly dead following a move by one client and an illness of another, and the remainder are pretty erratic visitors, so maybe I can use the time to get some more jobs done, as I just managed last week. And thank you Mr Babla in Wembley (I rarely give name checks, but he doesn't know who the hell I am) who, though being the best watchmaker I know, told me I couldn't buy coloured resin straps in a shop. It just shows you can only rely on your own research and not the throwaway lines given by bored shopkeepers who haven't got the product you want and just want to get rid of you. Plus he charges more for the oldest watches I've ever seen, (some actually display the date as 1994!) which is another demerit (as they say over the Atlantic, but I can't think of any better word). Anyone got a job for a frustrated writer? All assignments considered.

This week

It's been a free but technically fairly dead week. When the rain finally stopped I managed to do the worst of the gardening and do a bit of shopping. Doing this highlights what a trivial lot of stuff can be done in an average week in Kingsbury. My cheap (not so...) and nasty Casio resin watchstrap went west after a couple of years, and I thought it would be a chance to get a brighter coloured one. Bad idea. I was told only Casio could do this, but the firm's own service department a mile away refused to look for a coloured strap as it didn't 'fit my watch'.
I have checked online and found at least three. Sadly these buggers are charging double the Casio official price (which is itself double the market price) so now I've got to go back to Casio and specify the one I want and hope they'll play ball.
The woman I babysat for had plenty of time to call me, so I can screw that one up and chuck it in the fire (big deal). The chicken counting proverb shows very well here as throughout my life I've had starts, but very few finishes. Sometimes I have no starts, and a finish can happen on its own with no warning, which is always nice. But I'll never celebrate (like buying a house or having a baby) till the egg is hatched. But I'm aware they exist and don't mind mentioning them if worth it.
There is a new egg, but newly laid and too sensitive for here, just to say it's a lot more exciting than contacting an old customer from Finchley who hardly knew I existed.

And just to say NTL are the cheapest company on earth, who raise their prices by around 50%, and supply no services beyond the bare minimum, in fact I have far less (like teletext and TV games) than I had 9 years ago, and that's basically how they just admitted it is. If I can get the phone rental reduced (they claim there isn't one to force us to keep TV and phone together, but I may get blood out of the stone) I hate to say it, but I'm back to BT. The call charges are ghastly, but I can use other piggy-back firms for them, and consider the extra rental a trade off for the far cheaper monthly fee for internet access than NTL. Though a year ago NTL were the cheapest in the country, as they raised the price I can virtually go anywhere for less now, and get it on broadband, which should be fun.

Where was I?...

That sort of sums up today's post, I have no direct ideas at the moment, so will just update the Kingsbury diary with whatever I can think of from last week and the dustbins of my mind.
Well, the whole week/life turns on a visit to the best spiritual teacher I've come across, who left nothing to remain unexplained for me. I believe I have nothing left to ask or wonder about enlightenment as this guy has explained it all and it makes sense. Until another blogger tells me how to overwrite URL's, I'll have to give his in boring longhand www.nickroach.co.uk . Whatever questions I had before on the blog, he has answered them.

Otherwise, life is still going on in Kingsbury. After hearing the name of a lady I used to babysit for on the radio a few years ago I decided for an unknown reason to finally call her yesterday. She's gone ex-directory so I sent a letter. I'll add any results as they happen. It's weird here as when you write about people you know, chances are many will have a computer and read it. Anyway, back to the point. We write about our lives here, but it's in public. What the hell else are we supposed to write about? OK, many of us don't identify anyone directly, but maybe they'll recognise themselves, and so our whole soul will be revealed to them in a way impossible before, and what sort of reaction do we get? At least it could be a step to realising we're all the same really, and having seen so many clients who think they're the only person with problems, and everyone else would laugh at them if they knew may become a thing of the past if everyone shows their true feelings here. Everyone has problems sooner or later, and unless they involve a crime, there is nothing to hide as what's new in the world really?

This week I have a free diary so far after today, and a few little trivial plans including continuing the tidy up (it rained all last week so the garden was out of bounds). I have emailed Nick Roach to tell him what I said here, and though I'm happy just to have what I already do from the talk, of course a reply would also be nice. My friend from Funtrivia is meant to be here round about now, my phone was disconnected for incoming calls all last week (so hard to realise there was a problem) so she may have tried. But in fact I'm pretty happy now as what Nick taught me on Sunday has sunk in, and I believe is working. So anyone interested in the subject, he's the one to check out. The others, to one or other degree leave out loads of stuff or just confuse much of what they are saying. It's not their fault, they just don't appear to know exactly all about what they are meant to be experiencing so can't communicate what they don't fully understand. But to give credit where it's due, the bits they did teach me prepared me so I understood fully everything Nick did tell me, and may not have been able to put it in context otherwise. Either way, the point has now been got and I'm very happy to be able to say that.

Supernatural?

A friend led me to an interesting logical point today I thought I'd share as a step on my path to wherever the truth is. I said that though I don't believe in God it does seem that if there's a spirit world which includes God, spirit entities, ex-human beings in spirit and other dimensions of space, then the fact that many people not only report getting there but often agree to the geography and inhabitants, then it's deliberately hidden from us, and only revealed by their choice, not ours. As a result, it's impossible for anyone that's ever been there in history to prove it as it can't be transmitted from person to person, you have to be shown directly.

Well, you can see the formula, if I accept the possibility of a spirit world, I have to accept it's hidden from us by design, and that means someone had to design it. And that, of course, can only be described as what we call God as nothing else can design nature at will. Other opinions that God is an energy fall short, as unless God has a self awareness, it can only be on a par with electricity which is an inert, lifeless process that just follows laws of physics and can't think for itself. A true God would have to be a 'person' ie have at least the awareness we do (and we are supposed to be made in his image) and therefore be able to create a separate universe for us and space, within the infinite space outside where he resides. Therefore there is a barrier from our small three-dimensional realm to the unlimited place where all the visitors that come as angels, entities, aliens etc to chosen people, but it's a one-way door as we can hardly ever visit their side at will unless they give us an invitation.

The weird part is that if there is a design, certain people like myself are designed to search for what's outside our cage here, and unless God's a sadist (I do wonder at times) it would be very cruel to create a desire for something impossible. But how each person qualifies for the privilege of visiting the other side is a mystery, as most are not yogis or the like, but ordinary people who find themselves there by accident and are normally terrified. A few learn astral travel, like those using Robert Monroe's methods, but for most it's not a matter of planning and direct application of methods, but they just 'find themselves' there, and most who have been there once tend to go back from time to time. It seems, like many earthly desires, the very people who try and get there are the ones who put the most time and effort into it with the least results. Well, there's a few things to think about, I have heard some people appeal to God for a revelation (against biblical commands) and got one, but I've had nothing certain enough to be more than another level of communication. OK, here's a request in writing, please can God allow something to happen from this posting that shows me he's there- however it happens, but it must be definite so I can't explain it in any other way. And of course I'll report the result next time, though of course whatever I say won't be able to prove it to anyone else that way. If God gave some faith, he gave me the rational mind and therefore I must be respected by believers that my approach is just as much from God as theirs, and just as valid. Maybe I can form a chain reaction where everyone asks online for God to show, and with enough attempts someone may get a result? Certainly worth a try.

Progress?

Well, the better news is I started the gardening today (I had to stop for other business) and I actually enjoyed it! It's a pretty big garden, unlike most on this estate, and the last owners planted loads of bushes that are impossible to keep up with. The biggest was cut down, but the trunk produces shoots that still need cutting every month, and the rest just spread everywhere given a chance.

I also started the long process of turning the junk room back into a bedroom. People insist on seeing me as a charity case and give me stuff that should have gone to a charity shop. Some could be used one day, so I keep it, and it just piles up more crap that I rarely use. So I've made a start now and will hopefully carry on till it's done, and the same with the garden.

Otherwise, it's one of those times when though there are no problems and freedom, there's also a space with little to fill it. Living alone allows all the faults in life to come into perfect focus and stand out as soon as things get a bit too quiet and display themselves. The main concern is at this relatively early stage in life this situation could remain permanent. Technically there's nothing to stop it, I'm not going to join a commune or an institution, marry a Filipino, or any other of the desperate measures middle aged men take when they find themselves in a similar position. But the alternative is just to carry on doing what I am, as having tried already to check, the alternatives are no better and usually worse. It's a permanent change I need, not a temporary distraction where I return to the identical situation once it's over.

The comment box is particularly useful here as I'd be interested to know if this is a problem faced or solved by others. I've said before I'm pretty practical, and believe me, the combined brains of the North London intelligentsia have been stumped by this one, and we believe there's no answer. Am I right?

Bored

Following yesterday's entry, when I (in my opinion) ended up shifting from the current story about my computer to some quite interesting observations, I've run out of sites to surf so I thought I'd come back here and see what happens. As the title states, it's boring up Kingsbury way today, I've done sod all this week besides the 1 client, and though there are few jobs besides the garden that need doing, there's not much else in the fun area either.

I was saying how interesting my clients and friends from abroad are, but both are basicaly off-limits as potential friends, and surprisingly since the last exodus in 2002 I haven't met anyone new apart from the ones I mentioned worth sharing a pint with, let alone whole days on a regular basis. This is the first time in my life this has happened, though hardly unpredictably, as all but one of my friends dropped me when they had their kids (just recapping for new readers), and the one who didn't left in 2002. I got a girlfriend after he left, but she ended up in the place I cannot reach for most of that year, and I gradually realised things had gone dead. As I didn't create the friendships I had before- many were lifelong, and others from school, holiday or social events, but that was long before any were married. I have been left in the limbo of unchosen singledom in a society of relatively happy couples.

So technically, I'm excluded on both fronts, and as I didn't have any control on the previous friends, and the places to meet women up till 30 were fairly organised, I'm now in a position where logic and practicality have no place, and those are my two assets. Just for some history, once I left college at 31 (postgrad.) and had more time to look, I joined every agency going, and though I took many women out a few times, the only one that succeeded (twice, but it did) was off a premium rate phone service. Then I joined psychic groups, and saw one younger woman from Cambridge just the once, as she announced she'd just met the new love of her life at a bus stop. Over the following ten years I joined a few more psychic groups, and met one woman with a lovely nature, but the largest nose I'd ever seen on a female besides one honker at college that was barely human... When I met her I had another girlfriend, but thought she liked me. The girlfriend went, the nose remained, and gradually, after looking at the legs, body etc., finally got used enough to the nose that I asked her out, and as I fully expected, she said yes.
Unfortunately that day I'd just had a blazing argument with my tenant (the ex-girlfriend, long story) and was in no mood for a first date. I spent the whole day complaining and she never spoke to me again.
Other than that, I met a lovely looking six-footer (I'm 5'5'') sitting next to me at a Uri Geller lecture, and somehow I knew she was going to speak to me, and we spent the rest of the time going round the stalls together, and I got her email address. After the first exchange she was off.

Is there a point to all this? Just a view of what I have done that could have led to a 'result', but in fact only got me one. Since 1990, my only successes have been from one singles dance, the telephone service, a girlfriend from 1982 who rang me 10 years later to see if I was still single, someone who knew a friend, someone who was backward introduced by my friend's backward girlfriend (this was official, they were all from a home) who was so after me I couldn't say no, one from the internet, and someone I'd met about 15 years earlier who'd gone to America, been married and divorced, and I saw her on a quick visit here for a week. IE, there is no particular way to meet, and the ones that look to others as suitable are a waste of time, as I've demonstrated. As this situation is becoming a mystery to other women I know, I'm beginning to wonder what I'm up against. It was only in 1995 I met the first woman I felt I wanted to marry (and she was a bossy cow, religious, had an abusive boyfriend already etc etc) as before I was wondering if anyone would actually be good enough. But once I knew, many more came along who were just, basically, not interested. Many were, but I wasn't in them. Last mutual relationship was in 1975, so her mother stepped in and broke it up just as it was about to become fulfilled. So I have been there, know exactly what I'm missing, and there's sod all I can do about it. So I write on the computer. Now that, I can do.

What a wally!

As you can see, the computer's returned, and I discovered (too late to stop it) that it was the dodgy mouse (amazingly donated by a certain unnamed woman mentioned here) that was up, not the computer. I only discovered this when I connected it to the laptop, and by the time I got back to the shop they'd already done a £35 virus scan on it. OK, it's now got a few upgrades, but had the repair staff worked when the shop was open, I could have explained the problem directly rather than write it down and hope for the best, so it wasn't all my fault.

Otherwise, a woman whose opinion I greatly value said she can't understand why I'm not married. So many others tell me to change or go out more that I could get the impression that unless I altered most aspects of myself it was my own fault I was in the shit partner-wise. At maybe 20 or so there's a lot of advice we can all take on that front, but at 44 I know my faults, and if anyone can accept me as I am (as many have) then what's to stop someone I actually like from accepting me as well? And since being given the advice some years ago to narrow down my requirements to the few important ones, I've found tens of women I'd marry, not because I'll take less, but because I know what I'm looking for and can see it in them. And amazingly, if she HAD a heart, the bitch from round the corner/bend would still be the best all-rounder since my neighbour when I was about 8.
Technically and emotionally she was good company, conversation/inerests, liked doing similar things, looked incredible, right age (for me, not vice versa!), and actually showed me exactly how it could be once I was with the right person, but shot through once the fantasy she probably had about me previously became reality. Having discussed with many whether these types can learn, the general conclusion is no, as until they are in a position where they realise it's them not the other people, they'll always find just enough people to leech onto without having to evolve to the butterfly that may or may not be within their capacity to become. If she loses a job, she'll blame them for victimisation, make the next lot feel sorry for her until a year or two later they realise what lies under the sheepskin (as in the bible). Same with friends. And as for men, unless she's had her batteries removed (like that's actually possible!) sooner or later those dang hormones will make her wake up with the female equivalent of 'morning wood', and she'll have to (and with people like her it really happens) go out and pick up a man. This usually happens within 24 hours, and once the genie's out of the bottle, it won't go back in, and the celibate days will be long forgotten.

Maybe I should have a little online poll, should I send her a link to this? I'd always be delighted if I heard from her again but have no idea how this could ever happen as at present it would be similar to a cancer victim putting their tumour back after an operation as far as she's concerned. And due to the fixed nature of the type this should last for life. So only drastic methods with high risks of persecution in return could ever get her back in my life, and though it's incredibly dead without her/someone similar, going back to try and beat the dragon again after escaping already has reckless written all over it. So far though, at least she's shown me what I should be looking for and what it could be like. I've had various amazing women around in the past, including a few girlfriends, and she reminded me of everything that was possible until, like a dodgy doughnut, got to the middle and found there was nothing there.

-----~Fin~-----

Week's review

No events as such this week, but enough work Wednesday and Thursday to keep me off the computer, and then on Friday the whole affair went down with the mother of all virus attacks, and I'm writing this on the laptop, which I'm lucky I got as I've no idea how long the main machine will be in the repair shop.

Otherwise, I'm gradually meeting new people here, plus have found a large number of Funtrivia members here as well (I have my methods!) which hardly comes as a surprise. My appeal to Clive Bull's programme to see my blog (he did ask for calls on it first), unlike the massive response for my webcam call got me one email. Well, I'm not doing this for fame so I won't mind that much, and sooner or later I'm going to condense down some of my blog's high spots and write an article from them which I'll pass around to see if i can get it published somewhere. Anyone in the UK may have heard of the writer Will Self, whose only qualification for a literary career was going to Cambridge (though only getting a 3rd class degree as he spent most of his time on drugs, as he wrote many times in public, by the way). He was the year below me at school and lived very close by, and I did go there once or twice, and if he can get in all the best papers by writing his own brand of nonsense, then though I only went to North London Polytechnic (though I managed a lower second) why shouldn't I stand a chance?

Finally, my wish to find a girlfriend/partner/wife at the ripe age of 44 seems to have been handed over to the God I don't believe in, as all active attempts (short of speed dating) have ended in failure since early 2002. I now believe the internet is a good new gateway to meeting people (a couple I know have already met across each side of the Atlantic and are now together here and getting married) the main drawback is that very random distance between people who may well fit each other but unlike the couple I know, wouldn't be willing to travel and possibly live half way around the world to do so. The statistics were found that in every 5 mile (I think) radius is someone we can end up marrying, based on people travelling worldwide and marrying people locally wherever they ended up. So that means every 5 miles is at least one person right for us (and even more if you added the married ones!) so it's hardly surprising with so many common-interest groups online we probably meet a few potential partners who never materialise as they're too far away. I've tried a couple in America (one psychotic and one who got cold feet after a week or so) but am convinced that rather than wasting months on conventional dating sites (or years in my case) chasing people whose only qualification is they're single and within 30 miles of you, using blogs and forums where you really get to know people first is the way to go, if we could cover the distance situation. But if any of the women who post on my blog want to come to England to meet me, the red carpet's waiting to be rolled out as I write. I'm no traveller, as I posted earlier, but I know many people would be happy to live abroad for the right person. Come on, who's going to make me the first offer?!

Been there, done that

Well isn't that amazing, I was just looking at another blog and was shown a site to display all the countries we've visited. I doubt it'll work here (I can't even add links normally as I have no idea how) but I'll try it here and see.



create your own visited countries map
or check out these Google Hacks.

Clive Bull

As promised, I've mentioned my call to LBC telling Clive about my blog. Well when I got my webcam I not only got a good number of viewers by calling Clive, but hundreds of hits on my linked website www.kingsbury.tk
I'm not sure if non bloggers can comment here, but as I allow anonymous posts I think everyone can (though it's free to register and you needn't use it to do more than comment, and it will also allow you to use the interest links to read blogs of people with similar interests. Finally as usual if you like interesting discussions and trivia (a bit like the Clive Bull show online) visit www.funtrivia.com and if you see 'satguru' that's me as well, where I'm also a moderator.

Please leave a message underneath if you visited from LBC, thanks, David from Kingsbury

"Controversial"

To quote the great Jon Tickle here, I just read a blog by a fellow Funtrivia member slagging off anorexics, as an ex anorexic. This took a lot of courage, and proved that, like me, these blogs are the ultimate area of free speech and we shouldn't ever be intimidated in pussyfooting around certain subjects or events (that aren't actually illegal), in case we 'offend anyone'. Well, I'm going to gossip my balls off, and if I want to be non-pc, I will be. It'll take a shedload of non pc in the whole of the world to ever balance out the pile of nonsensical newspeak the new fascists have developed as a backlash to old-fashioned sexism and the humour of Bernard Manning. And if people look behind the veil of offensiveness, they may actually learn something.

In 'other news' (blimey, another Tickle-ism), I have mopped up the location of my final Funtrivia archived post, which is still on the current site. But a new mystery has popped up I need a real computer geek to explain. Nearly every search engine has raised (in response to 'Funtrivia satguru) a post on a guestbook from a site where the post appears to have been deleted, but still visible to search engines. I need this to be analysed as how engines can see things not visible to us, (though not display the site) is a mystery to me, plus it can display the summary in their results. Until I get a girlfriend it's only these little searches that keep me occupied.

Otherwise, work is averagely busy, and little else has shifted in my long list of stuck situations. I have a question based on some recent stories I've heard. Do bastards ever reform or learn once they reach adulthood or is it too late by then? Many school bullies grow up, but some also become criminals. Intelligence, education, money and class have no effect, the two I mentioned have (between them, at least) everything in the material/talent/beauty departments, just no hearts or sense. As (it did talk some sense) the bible said (roughly) "You have nothing without love". If we could drop all the rules and just use the good bits there we could actually improve life a lot. Speakers' corner on the web, I love it!

I can be naughty now!

Having spent 44 years trying to keep a perfect record in life, life came back recently to show me I didn't have to. Within a couple of weeks I found myself in two situations where I was the 'naughty boy', and up till then I'd always done 'the right thing' as I believed I had to keep a totally clean sheet on the behaviour front. What an effort that could be as well!
But this time, the 'right thing' option the first time would have got me into so much trouble (I won't go into details of the events, but they were the sort of thing we all get caught in from time to time, just bad calls or mistakes) I decided to keep quiet and keep myself out of trouble.
I felt a bit guilty, but knew I had no choice as I'd have to live with a very irate person had I done the usual 'Jesus' type act, and then I got in another little scrape, and unlike my normal action, kept my head down.

The lesson was, it was normal to be like this. Life and people aren't perfect, even when they try to be. All I'd done was make the eventual failure delayed and like a no claims bonus or clean driving licence, both of which I'd long since lost, life itself has to take a few black marks or endorsements as that's its nature, and the unnecessary effort I'd made to try and keep it perfect in every situation had finally not been effective. It's some kind of freedom now being able to be a 'naughty boy' and not feel guilty about it. If we all made a list of all the things we'd done wrong, like when I peed on the toilet seat at my Uncle's when I was about 11 and my cousin got the blame, or if you'd chucked rubbish into someone else's garden (which sometimes happens round here) it will become clear we can't help being naughty at times, big deal. I'd built up such an aura about never doing anything wrong I'd almost become paranoid about it, and also when we inevitably fail we feel all the worse for doing something once most people do regularly.

So now, after 44 years of attempted sainthood, I'm off the hook. If I accidentally break someone's ornament or spread a nasty bit of gossip I was told to keep quiet, I don't care! What a weight off my mind, I can be human now and not an angel!

Funtrivia update

I just thought I 'd give the amazing outcome from looking for questions I'd posted on Funtrivia I'd lost. Though 99.99% of my readers don't know what Funtrivia is, they can all look now I've mentioned it a hundred times.

Anyway, on Friday night/Saturday morning last week I typed in a few URLs to the web archive from the vicinity of my post number I'd found written down, and though none appeared on the main index, the usual place to find them, I suddenly raised the first of four original lost posts, and it turned out, as I'd vaguely remembered, but forgotten why, they were from over a year since my apparent joining date!

Turns out I'd been on since a day or so after I'd got my computer in February 2000, and registered with a different name and email address. For reasons only describable as stupidity, when I tried to sign in a year or so later and had different details I re-registered. What a clanger, as that sent my proper membership into limbo and showed I'd joined at the second date. I then asked if I could alter my figures, but found if you reregister you can't merge details from one account to the other. I adapted my signature on posts with my original details (I'd started only 4 months from the day the forums started) and was allowed to post one message on my old account so it could be on the system, as the others had been deleted long ago.

Learning by trial and error is the worst but the commonest way, and I've lost my original membership by one quick mistake, when I could have asked someone what to do if I didn't know myself. Well, at least I know, and the fact I can't correct the details are very minor compared to the proof I was there for so long before I thought. And I've had a few comments made by members, so they know I'm here, hello everyone, keep leaving messages!

Week's review

Unusually this week I had a completely free week, no special things I had to do besides a few clients, so a chance to chill out and just see what happened. From past experience, nothing usually means just that. Would I think of anything new or something interesting happen for a change?
Not really, but I had a nice rest noetheless. Some really small things (to other people) did happen, but (To quote Jack Osbourne, another bright Yiddisher boy) it's the small things that matter. The first was, for some reason I was fascinated by having a bus route along the fairly main road where I lived for 28 years, but we only had the odd day when the local bus was diverted because of road works, till about 1986, when a minibus used the bottom half of the road but not my bit. Then, 39 years later after I moved there I saw a small bus stop near my old house, to discover a new service that finally used the whole road this year. I checked the times and went there just to watch it and take a photo.
The second small but important event was to virtually confirm my vague memory I'd joined Funtrivia before I registered in 2001. A note I found was dated at February 2000, when I first got my computer, by the URL I'd copied. So it turned out that I was almost a founder member of the forums which began in late 1999, though not regular as I was both posting on the late great Spiritweb forum, so couldn't be in 2 places at once, and was paying for access so I kept my posts for things I needed to ask at the time.

Other than those 2 highlights, it was a very ordinary typical week, hot and sunny as well, and I got absolutely no house or garden work done, which basically means there were more interesting things to do. I hope the next post will be more exciting, but this is a reality show, not a soap.

Inspiration...?

I will write here without any more than a few trivial events to report this week, and see if the inspiration takes me somewhere else, as it often does when I just sit down and type. In fact, nowadays some visionaries actually channel via a keyboard, the main one being the late Ruth Montgomery, who wrote many books (very hard to buy in the UK) as a result of what had come to her via her guide, a medium when he was alive.
Anyway, this week I only had one client and two cancelled arrangements (which were no big deal anyway) so plenty of spare time. I have started tidying the house and garden at last, slowly but surely, and solved a little mystery today regarding some lost website postings at funtrivia which had confused me for ages, as I found a note saying what I'd posted where that confirmed what I'd done there when I started. I like to know these things, and though many sites keep archives, this had lost a bunch including nearly a year's worth of mine by accident. It's often the little things that mean a lot, and this was one of them.

Otherwise, I am currently free of all obligations (until another arrives) and luckily none of the potential disasters materialised, though the financial one is unlikely to avoid me as rules are rules, and I can't see any way round them. I won't starve, but it won't be so easy to get Sky Sports any more... But I don't know for sure so who knows? The dating site is wound up now, I have had a few responses, including miss droopy who I met. Oy a broch! The next sent me a photo and I was convinced it could have been a man, and decided not to push that one any further. The third was very nice and friendly, then said she hadn't seen the picture of me that was linked to my email, so I had to send her another. Have I heard from her since? Have I bollocks! Shows how scatty some people are, every email there was linked to a profile, mine had a photo, but she emailed me for a few weeks before thinking of seeing what I looked like. Maybe they should see a different photo to the ones of our faces, then they can get straight to the point...

Finally today I want to acknowledge Anna, T.O. and all the others who added comments to my blog. I still read all of yours, and always welcome more feedback. I suppose we can all spot similar souls to our own out there, and the reason I live at Funtrivia half the time is that's where more of mine are than anywhere else. A couple just met and got engaged via there originally, even though they live across the Atlantic and haven't met yet. There's a worldwide network of friends there and on the spinoff sites who have met, and remain close friends. There are now four of us here (that I know of) and hopefully we may get a bit of a community growing here as we have a couple of blog-type threads there as well. I think I'll do a bit of publicity there on that front now.

Weird stuff

The first weird thing was when I posted this the first time, it just jammed the system and wouldn't publish. I decided I may have added too much personal detail (not mine, that's why I'm here, but someone else's) so saw it as a sign to rewrite it with a bit less detail.

The question I have, where I need as many examples as possible from the readers, is whether it's possible for an unknown force to send very similar events in little bunches, and arrange life so a few disparate threads all come together in exactly the same place. Over the last week I've had a few really scary possible situations all crop up over a few days. None had materialised, but had potential to do real damage. I saw it as a message to tell me not to worry about them unless anything happened, and even then they couldn't really do a lot to me. These bunches of similar events, like all my clients cancelling in one week, or two or three starting on the same day , and then some even finished together, with one pair even coming back almost a year later on the same day after stopping. I can get phases when either my emails are ignored for a week, or three or four important letters arrive on the same day after hardly any mail for weeks. Regularly if I order two or three items mail order, whatever the different days I order them, the chances are they arrive together.

This is the sort of thing that now happens to me regularly. The threads seem to become more and more complicated in order to show me something is being arranged, just as the phases of similar events does. Unlike my other psychic proof, which relies on extending known scientific principles, this has no science at all. Someone or something, if there is control behind these events, has to be doing it. I have no idea myself, the two theories are we either do it ourself, but most do it subconsciously (unless adepts) or it's our guardians who are there to put us in situations to teach us how to deal with them.

What are your examples, and opinions on how these things happen?

I was there!

I now have the photo taken from my visit to Big Brother on August 13/14th 2004. The best news was a week later they showed the winner's week in an extended programme at peak time on proper TV! , It was the first time my face had been seen on it for 30 years! I was on in 1977 but wearing a crash helmet as I was riding a motorbike, and was on a cable channel in 2001, but was mainly shown in India!
This was taken from the Channel 4 TV footage, and I'm shaking hands with Jason Cowan, who came 2nd.

>

Keep it going

As I have a free period, so to speak (multiple cancellations as per), I thought I'd keep this going regardless of quality. The current aim is actually (as I notice some others do) raise the standard of what I write to a level that hopefully will be able to be used by a magazine somehow. I do already write professional articles, but do so much online that I want to write on anything people want me to. So if I can make a typical day in North London interesting, I may have cracked it.

I've just had a meeting which may define my immediate financial future, I'll have to wait for the decision, but there's a chance I'll lose most of my income as a result. I'll be able to survive for a while, but looks like the need to write for money could be a pressing one now. I'll just have to accept whatever happens as it's totally out of my control.
Otherwise, one more possible from the notorious dating site, my luck is she'll now find this (God knows how, but you can never tell) so I'll just say (honestly) she seems really nice, and I'd be breaking the terms of blogging if I left anything out from it. I'm leaving the site this week as it's outlived its (high) price now, and they would be unlikely to get many new members if I hung on another month and then another. If missie from the last time on the dating site somehow finds this I'll just say 'Cheer up, you seem like life has totally worn you down'. That or she was born like that, who knows? But even on the phone it rubbed off on me, and was even worse in person. That taught me a lesson about tolerance, ie it has its limits! Looks certainly aren't everything.

I have just invested £1 in what looks like a grey intestine that keeps my cables tidy, I remember when they used to cost about £15 in a mail order catalogue, but are now quite easy to get elsewhere. Life's often about the little things, and you can rely on me to tell you about every one of them. Well, until I start getting laid again regularly that is... Any offers?

Electrical equipment

This is boring, but I have to finish the story. 1st, I discovered the right digital converter for Grandma, and though sold at John Lewis, was in their warehouse rather than their shop. The next day I was in Sainsburys for tea and my father said maybe they've got digital TV boxes. Not only did they have them, they were the same as the ones from John Lewis and £5 cheaper. It's now up and running perfectly.
I also re invested my £20 in a normal black and silver keyboard with chunky keys, an arm rest and hot keys that had a very rough CD installation (crash!). Now half of them work, but I can live without them if I have to.

Otherwise my car is in the garage for 24 hours so anything I need to do in the house may actually get done at last.

Oy gevalt

Other Jewish bloggers will know what's coming from the title, others will work it out from reading it. I've had a good, old fashioned bad service/quality day today, one just like the worst I've ever had. The combination of my grandma asking me to buy a digital box for her 20 odd year old TV and the fact my flat keyboard that's designed for use by pixies is slowly packing up, I went to the Staples Corner retail park down the road from me in Cricklewood to check out one of each.
The only keyboard in the shop I liked was a cordless one, which I see no use for, but was as cheap as the versions with a tail, so I went for it. There was only one left, in its box, which some pikey had already ripped open to check out as they hadn't bothered to put one on display.
This turned out to have a broken input plug, so that's on its way back tomorrow.

The lovely people in Curry's (name and shame) insisted, not only before I told them my Grandma's TV had no scart socket, but after 3 hours of fiddling and calling customer service to discover that their box wouldn't work without one, that it would, but gave me a refund as they probably thought I'd chuck an eppy, as an old friend of mine used to say. Cretins. I'd never used them before in my life and probably never will again. So now I have to shlep to John Lewis, who do one that will work for double the price.

So Grandma will have to wait for a digital service for a few days, and I'll have to look for a decent new keyboard as the broken one was probably the last one left in the country, from the relief on their faces when I took it off their hands. Well mine's coming back guys, so you'll have to look at it again. I've had days like this before, and for nothing to work at all, combined with bad advice that wasted half my afternoon shows what sort of shops and service we have here. The only good news on that front was a few weeks after I said the digital radio advertised didn't exist it arrived in every shop in the country that sold them, and I drove around an 80 mile round trip to Crawley so I could save £20 on mine. It's humming away next to me now, and I managed to get a ram card of 4 hours for the price of a 2 hour one so I can record overnight programmes etc. I had to balance the bad day with the good, as I have to be fair.

This may have been boring to read, but just think how lucky you are not to have had to gone through it all. And I've still got to queue up tomorrow, a Saturday, with all the chavs, general public from the London NW2 district etc to hopefully get my refund on the fercuckter keyboard, no better off than I was at the start of today. The only good bit was I could take my Grandma shopping and spent the afternoon with her, as she'd have been alone all day if I hadn't come round with the wrong item. But had I been given the correct advice by Curry's, that would have been it. And no more cordless keyboards for me.

Criticism already!

Well, my mother's just read all this, and says it's depressing. Now as it's a diary and not a work of fiction, what am I meant to do? I live in a situation that's depressing by its nature, and until I either share my house, or at least get a girlfriend and hopefully one of my old friends back on the scene (no, they don't hate me, they just went abroad) this means that whatever I write will be based on this fact.
I wonder how many people live alone by accident rather than choice, and would like someone else around again, whether it was with their family or partner in the past. People with big families who often had to share bedrooms are sometimes happy to get their own space at last when they get their own place, but if they keep this up into middle age I think it's suspect. Fear of failure and selfishness are more likely to motivate most of these people to stay alone than actually liking it, whatever they say. Like most married couples, few people are going to admit things aren't as they'd like, especially when they've always said it was what they chose. That, to me is far more of a failure than sharing a house with someone and it not working out. I've had tenants for 3 years in the past, and it's nothing like living with friends or family, it's sheer chance who you get, and if you pick a random person on a train you try living with them for a year and see how you get on.

As I know they sometimes read this I will say many of my forum friends from across the Atlantic and elsewhere could probably make very good housemates for me, and this year one almost did (you know who you are of course!). And when I met 7 of them recently it confirmed they are exactly as interesting in person as they seemed online. So any comments on living alone here will be welcome, and I've decided to post it all on a forum now anyway. See you at www.jimmyvincent.com in the family affairs forum.

more assorted stuff

Good news: My 5 seconds on TV were repeated on Sunday on Channel 4 - proper television! This is the first time my face has been on TV in 30 years, and some people I know saw it, though a couple didn't even catch my fleeting view.

Otherwise, little to report. Still at square one on the dating front, nothing new there, and blitzing the dating sites hoping the next one will have more things we can both talk about. I am also going to use this and other snippets I've written over time to submit to some magazines, as I spend so much time writing already that I ought to get paid for some of it. It's what I've always done, and having been published a number of times on professional and supernatural matters, am now ready to talk about almost anything. I just hope I don't need to find an agent as the last time I tried I was treated like a leper with B.O. , a gun in my hand and plans of Tony Blair's house in my pocket (if anyone's seen the news yesterday). Seems unless these creeps get a blow-job they won't touch anyone with a barge pole unless they've got a title or are related to someone famous. Being a profession that needs no qualifications they've created a set of their own, and I can't qualify on any of them.

If I can think of some more professions and people to slag off next time I think it'll be fun. If you want to suggest anything in particular I'll have a go at them as well.

A picture of me on Big Brother will appear as soon as it's been transferred to disk.

Big Brother 5 experience

Well, having been a fan since day one I'm now an official part of the programme, as in being on it with a housemate. As I went to see who was leaving at the end of last year's series, as I live near Elstree Studios, I discovered they have a party facing the road and I saw all the BB4 housemates through the window.

This year had few people in the party, but apart from 3 who had left, many others were still inside being interviewed. And then Kitten (one of the housemates) came out to speak to our little crowd of people watching over the railings, as she said it was more interesting than the party. I'd actually met my first ever BB member! We asked her to send some more out, and Becki soon followed, and then Jason came outside and we called him over, and finally Dan was being interviewed for TV, and came over and spoke to us, and we were all asked what we thought of the programme, and then Dan and his family were filmed together where we were standing.

Knowing how much material ends up being cut out, I reckoned maybe a 50-50 chance I'd be on, and the cameramen were uncertain when it would be shown as well. I set my video to record the first E4 (satellite only) 10 minute long BB winners week, hoping I'd be seen talking to the camera with Dan, and discovered Jason was being filmed as well! They showed Jason coming to see us, and included a 5 second clip of me when he came and shook my hand. They'd all talked to us, but unfortunately though they showed Jason's side of our conversation they'd cut out the bits where I replied, but that was a very small loss compared to being on Big Brother with a housemate. I have to admit to having dreamt for at least the last 2 series of being part of the programme, so actually being there even for 5 seconds meant I was now one of the many 'plebs' who had been on the programme with the real house participants and presenters.
Which ambition will happen next I wonder?

Funtrivia pic

Here's a picture of all my 7 funtrivia friends who I met last Saturday.



Bloomsby, Mrs Tellywellies, Sue943, Copago, Tellywellies, Sypher, Tabby Tom

Now you'll have to go to http://www.funtrivia.com to see them all in action.

Peace and quiet

I'm glad to say I have absolutely nothing special to do beyond the usual this week, at least. I met 7 members of funtrivia.com for the first time on Saturday, where I've been a member since February 2000, as soon as I got my computer. It was like meeting old friends and it was exactly as if I'd known them all in person for the same amount of time. Now I hope to make this a regular feature of membership- it was a member who told me about blogspot in the first place, and all I need now is to meet a girlfriend there, which almost happened to me once, and has to others already. The photos will be coming in over the next week so I'll post a few here as well so you can see my friends, some of whom came a very long way.

Otherwise, I am assimilating my data on how to understand women. It's very interesting and logical, though written by a man. I suppose it takes an outsider to explain something new where a woman wouldn't know how to analyse what seems normal (ha ha ha!) to them. My original view that we were two different species was spot on, as apparently women's brains could be further from men's than camels or chimpanzees. This didn't clearly come as much of a surprise to me, as sadly the few women I have met that think more like men nearly always look more like men as well. One actually had an excess of male hormone so I'm not even exaggerating, much...

I have also met someone else with an experience of someone with no regard for other's feelings, and apparently they do all seem to come out of the same box, some of the observations I made of similar people I've come across were incredibly familiar to him, and we're currently mulling over whether theses types can be reformed at all, and if so, how.?

Quiet week

Blogging is mainly for keeping a record rather than to entertain, though if the record can be kept entertaining it helps. So I write if something happens, and I write if nothing happens. I haven't planned or thought about what I'll write here beyond describing the previous week since the last post.
It was quiet! Not sure where all my clients have gone exactly, but only saw the one on Thursday, and basically had the rest of the week to myself (don't worry, I can afford to...). I spent 2 sessions on the garden, which saved it from an all-time invasion from all directions of weeds and bushes. It's a mess, but on Tuesday it was a lot worse. The cat always enjoys watching anyway, and follows me from the front to the back if I swap over. I suppose the good news is that there isn't much housework left to do (I do have someone who does most of it for me) and that's the first time in nearly 9 years I can say that. Normally that's at the end of the list and only really gets done when I've used up every other possible diversion. I've even run out of things on the internet at last, after having free rein for exactly a year. I suppose I'll have to find life again away from the computer. More to come I hope...

keeping busy

Well, a busy phase has hopefully come to an end, I prefer to do things as and when I choose, but life sometimes presents you with opportunities that may be stressful, but would be a waste to turn down, like the potential Big Brother eviction I couldn't get in to.
I just spent a few hours on a stall at a typical mind/body exhibition to do reiki healing and tarot readings, but as I was on the late shift I only did the one tarot reading. That is now the end of the busy period, and I also saw a really weird number plate parked in front of me with no ID and nothing like anything seen before. Lucky I was ready with my camera, and here it is 



As I have the book of world plates, it turned out to be a diplomat from the British embassy in Guyana. Not many of those around outside Guyana!

Otherwise any unseen events in the week ahead will be reported if they occur.

Got the answer?

Well, I haven't posted all week as nothing happened.

Fiddling about online this afternoon trying to track down a reference for hypnosis I came across, I discovered extracts from a very expensive course that actually understands how women think! It was based mainly on findings from professional hypnotists, and luckily a book version exists for 1/5 of the price of the whole course. It could be the best investment I'll ever make, especially if you see the quote on my blurb.
I mean, how many men are single at 44 unless they see women as thinking and acting in a way comparable with some ancient tablets found in Star Trek on an alien planet, written in a language and grammar it takes the communication officer, captain and 3 Vulcans over a year to decipher? It appears, (unless they've made it up, which is also a possibility) someone has actually deciphered the biggest mystery of the physical universe, so there's only God and life after death left.

The jury has retired...

Travel

Well, come rain or shine I should write this blog, whether there's something interesting happening or not. It is now pretty quiet at the moment, certainly no events I can report, just normal boring life in London's more salubrious suburbs. It seems at the moment that many women like me while they are in America (I have a lot of online friends there) but as soon as they would hit British territory the force field would operate and put them off. I have been to America twice, and found both there and here the people are the friendliest and easiest to get on with that I've met. I don't intend to move there at my time of life (they wouldn't let me work there anyway, which is ironic as I don't actually work here either!), but if only I could ship the lot of them over here that I know and we could see how it went.

There are a few that could tempt me over there as well to see them, but as yet none have invited me. If I need a good reason to go there, that would be it. Nowadays I prefer my travel to be of the day trip variety, much less trouble and no time to get bored with some godforsaken corner of the world that is probably their equivalent of Southend or Neasden and their own nationals would rarely go to anyway. My experiences of abroad have been varied, but I find my energy and enthusiasm for spending time away has reduced with the reality of staying somewhere else compared to the imagination in advance. I can go shopping, use public transport, see beaches and cities anywhere in Britain, and apart from usually better weather I see far more similarity in each place I go to than the differences in houses and landscape I do come across.
America seems far closer to home because I can find my way around and go shopping as we share a language, but though I haven't been there I reckon I wouldn't feel like that in another English speaking country, though unless I do I can't be sure.

I see it as an asset to be so comfortable with my own surroundings not to need so much variety. I've done it and it isn't all it's cracked up to be. Of course I've had some great holidays abroad, but most depended on the quality of the hotel where I usually spent about 90% of my time, combined with the (usually English) people I met there. On the positive side the nicest place I've been is the Washington DC Hilton, which also had the best pool area which could have been anywhere in the world though it was in the middle of a major city.
I've also had a few great holidays in fancy beach hotels in France and Israel, but have grown out of the family holiday thing now so wouldn't fit in any more there. Morocco and Spain were also nice, as was Scandinavia and Amsterdam, it's just I've 'done them' now and fascinating as they were, have less need to clock up more and more new locations just for the hell of it. I certainly intend at least a few more day trips, and please God if I ever have a family will probably go away with them, but as things are now, the holidays can wait.

I was right

Talk about tempting fate. It's a good rule I made not to speculate on any future plans here but wait till they've happened. I had a ticket for tonight's big brother eviction (it was Ahmed) and it turns out the idiots give away double the spaces they have, and then send half the visitors home, including myself, though I actually got there 10 minutes early. I got there in 20 minutes, the 4 people next to me came from Sheffield, 200 miles away. We saw nothing, except 1000 or so people dressed up and carrying banners with the housemate's names on them. I don't know if it was just the people near me, but there was a huge gay contingent, possibly attracted by the number of gay housemates this year. Anyway, the group I referred to were queuing with me and were very nice and were already chatting with me before we received the bombshell we wouldn't be going anywhere, so I had to watch it at home.

I saw the whole cast last year as they held their leaving party facing the main road, so I'll be back in 2 weeks for the next one, they can't stop me doing that at least. Bastards!

A busy week

It's quite unusual for me to have a busy week nowadays, partly from avoiding them, and partly from little to do worth getting out of the house for. I'd need more than a few blog pages to give the history of this, but the basic situation is no regular friends, no adequate girlfriend. I've always had friends till recently (it was emigration, not disgust, that made the last one go) but the girlfriends have been few and far between since about 1987 (I do remember these details...).

Partly due to the arrival of a local healing centre who have actually welcomed me into their staff (if we can raise any interest amongst the public) and I've spent some time there getting to know the two fascinating sisters who own it. I've got a fair amount of counselling-related work as well this week, and am seeing a female friend on Friday (one of the last people left on the sinking ship that is my social life). I even visited my local palace of retail, Brent Cross shopping centre, hoping to find a digital radio that's been marketed for nearly 2 years but has never been sold in reality. Despite the first ever exact date for official launch being given (the 8th of July), the only company who claim to have real ones, Dixons, had none in their shop. I think they just forgot to add the 'not yet available' warning on their website like everyone else did.
One thing I won't hopefully do here is talk about future plans. I have never known either whether they will be worth the effort, or even carried out until after the day has passed, so any new plans I have on the system will appear here after the event and not, like the media, be speculated upon in advance.

I also have a new internet friend who may or may not like to meet me. I think an answer is on it's way shortly, but I have no idea which way it will go (I rarely do with women, like trying to understand Klingon, only their body language is easier to read). One problem with blogs is if you write about people you know there's always the chance they'll read it. Now as I'm a glutton for attention, I'd see it as an honour just for someone to bother to put me in their story, but most people hate to be gossiped about and would bawl me out once they saw how I actually feel about them. What a sad, paranoid, world it is.

Setting things up

From post #1, you can see (on the female front, at least) I have had to start again from scratch, after 6 months preparing the ground on two previously, which never were in reality. My question for today is about starting projects. I have now started a few efforts meeting someone new, and have one new lead to follow. And the point is that the majority of possible results from started projects never happen.

In the past, I've met a girlfriend usually directly and asked them out, and that's been more or less it. No preparation, clues, hints or anything else. Now I rarely meet anyone new. London is definitely the worst place for over 30s to meet others, believe me, I've seen other places, and there is no community here at all to speak of. It's similar to news stories, when there's all sorts of speculation about will a war/earthquake/hurricane etc start or not, and they hardly ever do. In fact they just usually happen without warning and as soon as people wonder if something major's going to happen in advance it rarely does. So any woman I'm interested in that I don't start dating immediately usually means I never will. If it doesn't happen straight away it probably won't.

Please join in the discussion, I'm always happy to get more information and new data.

Non events #1

OK, today I've run out of things to do on my own. There are only so many, and I've used them all up. The final act left was to post here, so I am. And I've called this non events #1 as I expect there to be many more instances of non events ahead, as this seems to be the way things are.
The one problem with internet communities are that though you meet the right sort of people, they live anywhere at random, so are hardly ever likely to meet them. I've been posting comments like this all my life in notebooks, but of course here I'm doing it for public view, so have to both try and make them interesting and edit out some of the stuff that, though most people have similar ideas in private, seem to give the impression of insanity in public as they aren't yet topics people are aware they share with others.
In fact, apart from being over sensitive to my surroundings, I'm actually quite sane. I do know all the medical definitions, and if I've lasted this long with no symptoms beyond extreme anxiety I think I can safely say that anything I express that's different from the masses is genius, not insanity. I'm sure some great writers have earnt millions writing the same sort of banal reflections I do once they've found a good publisher. Well, the nearest thing for me is the internet, and if some bright person decides to read all the blogs and publish the best ones for those people who don't have the internet, I'm sure they'd do very well.

Thought for today: Please could all those people on blogs and generally stop moaning about their relationships! You have no sensitivity for those without one, and either enjoy what you've got, or leave the bastards. But for God's sake don't whinge about 'Oh, he's not paying enough attention to me' or 'She doesn't like my friends' or whatever other whining trivia you can drag out of your sad psyches as life just isn't quite perfect enough for you. Do you hear people in Ethiopia complaining about their food being overcooked? NO! Why? Because they appreciate it! If you have a partner, learn to appreciate them or get the hell out of the relationship and get one with someone you actually like!

B. all to write...

OK, I can see how writing these can focus me on how little actually happens day by day worth writing down. That would be fine in itself, as this isn't intended to be a work of literature, but the trouble is it shows what a boring time is occuring.

Other than that, there's clearly a new online family growing here, and for any women reading this, yes, I'm single, and if I can't use this as an alternative dating ad I can't see why not. So if any ladies are browsing my blog and think they'd like to know more, go ahead. I'm too old and too practical to turn down any positive attention. Pride only serves to delay success, as so many people hang on to disputes or won't progress in projects through it. It's far better to be honest and admit you're either wrong, sorry, or in a hole and then you may find it helps you get out of it.

Well, if anyone learns something from my philosophy I've done very well, it took years of trial and error on my part to learn these principles, and working with personal problems professionally I know these principles work. Behind the surface, we're all the same, and therefore what you may see as a failing in yourself is actually how we're all made. My final question to anyone who wants to comment, is can anyone be returned to the path of truth after officially signing off it? I believe unless something happens that means they have to change, which is rare, they'll always be the ones most fixed and convinced they're right to ever learn anything new. The rest of us who know we both change and make mistakes have less certainty about anything and are therefore open to learning all the time, as we know we're not always right.
Well, there's plenty to think about here, I'll continue to add more of my philosophy as why keep it to myself if it can help people?

Typical quiet day

I had to make an executive decision today, whether to wait till something happens before I post, or keep it rolling regardless of the banality of life here in Kingsbury. Having said that, life in Kingsbury can't be anything but banal, so I suppose that's the answer.

I'm pleased to see a comment on my first day online, and have been trawling the few other blogs I'm linked to (until they make an index), and have left a few of my own around as well. One thing if anyone visits my website will be aware of is my psychic research. I always like stories of psychic powers and events, and have reached a fair stage of clairvoyance myself having studied for 13 years after leaving my academic studies at last. Many powers that are extentions of existing science, eg thoughts exist in our head, why not pass them around like radio waves? We can receive our own thoughts, so the electrical activity others create shouldn't be that hard to pick up either.

Others appear also to be, levitation is the opposite force of gravity, walking through things and invisibility mean the links between the 1% of solid objects that's actually solid change so they no longer form a barrier to normal matter, and psychokinesis is the effect of moving matter through the same channels as thoughts or radio waves. The conclusion is normal science points towards many of the things that currently hardly ever happen, and if we find a way of making them happen deliberately, they won't be paranormal any more.

Only life after death, God and higher dimensions complete with life forms beats me at the moment, as they go beyond anything I can explain through extending existing science. Time slips are also dubious but there are too many examples to be ignored. I look forward to some feedback on this.