Gossip and freedom of speech

I love to gossip. I don't mean the malicious sort, I mean passing on interesting things that happen to people. If they're confidential, then I won't, but otherwise it's what makes good conversation and learning material. Is there anyone else that really doesn't? It's human nature to learn and share, and for me the most fascinating thing to learn and share about is ourselves. And for that I'm labelled a gossip by some. Maybe they've got something to hide then. Privacy is so not a big deal for me. I know I've committed no offences and so have nothing to be private about myself. Because no one with an IQ or age above 10 does it in this country many people think I'm also an idiot for doing so, but no one I know has (or probably could) used anything true I've shared about myself against me. The only things they did in the past were made up, and I believe in order to be understood we have to give people enough to understand us.

In British law, they agree with me. Defamation does not just have to be nasty, it must be a lie. If we tell the truth or give an opinion (unlike in many other countries including some in Europe) it's allowed. It's called freedom. The privacy laws just over the channel scare the shit out of me as it technically means anything can be made secret, with frighteningly totalitarian consequences. Anyway, that's another issue and one I can only encourage people to disagree with here.
But as you can see, I mainly gossip here about myself as it's my diary. But if someone gossips about me I usually take it as a compliment if not defamatory as it means I'm interesting enough to quote. Who wants to die forgotten? I also laugh at funny jokes about my own race if they are funny, however nasty, and am only too prepared to do the same about others as I can take it, and racists will not be made or stopped by regulating humour, just fascists will create and enforce such rules.

Education is not gained from selectivity but sharing information, and the number of postgraduate students on my counselling course aged 25 plus, who discovered for the first time that other people as well as them had problems scared the shit out of me. And my own clients usually think everyone else is fine except them as they all won't admit to anyone except their counsellor they have any problems and feel totally isolated and inadequate as a result. So I am a one man crusade to break this British deadlock by spilling the beans on anything and everything I can that hopefully can't be used against me, and set an example. If, as the leader of the crusade, I get cut down, than at least I will have gone down doing what I believed in, and would rather have done than chicken out and select safe information to share. I never did this, it almost got me delayed on my course but didn't in the end, and now I at least hope I do it consciously and carefully, which I didn't do then. Well, to close it all I will give the latest gossip from Kingsbury.

It's all over with Kendall, as I started the story here I had to let everyone know what was happening for the blog. Otherwise I have met an incredibly spiritual person which I just wanted to mention. I also re-read some of Nick Roach's site about his own experience of enlightenment, and guess what (after asking him this exact question like an idiot by email), he said one part was massive coincidences and being given many learning experiences. We are in absolute tandem there!
I do believe I was given a pretty big one of my own recently, to show me life in Kingsbury actually wasn't that bad. Life in general actually, and if God's listening, it worked. And of course every person involved in the situation was chosen for their reasons as well, so they'd have to look for them. You see how I can be diplomatic where it's necessary? OK, I hate doing so, I'd love to give names, places and details, but would not like the horse's head as a result so have to leave it out. Funnily enough, I just bought another book by David Icke and he does give names and places, bloody big ones, and has never been sued! There's another lesson there if I can think of it.

My plans, I have to admit, haven't changed much since graduation 20 years ago. A decent girlfriend and decent job. These came and went, and the jobs of course lasted a lot longer. Actually I no longer want what you'd call 'a job', I want to remain self-employed, but make hundreds a week instead of bits and pieces doing something that pays hundreds. So far my business ambitions have never been thwarted (unlike the female ones) and I strongly expect this to happen, though how and when I can't control. I even have no idea how I'll EVER meet a woman, as there are no specific places here at my age, you just have to trip over the right one at the right time. As the 'anorak' statistical mode automatically springs into action like a well-oiled railway timetable, the last ones were met from (in order from most recent)internet site, party, introduced by friend, introduced by friend, introduced by friend, disco back in 1982 but nothing happened for 11 years, telephone dating and disco. I.E. no consistent route. I've never pulled at my work or anyone else's (ie waitresses, shop girls, other staff wherever I happen to be including the incredible doctor and nurse team who stitched my finger etc). My grandma is my greatest critic as she genuinely believes if I return to even one singles do I used to frequent from the mid 70s to the mid 80s i'd be married soon. The fact I went from time to time up till about 1998 and each time remembered why I'd stopped shows it no longer would work. Most were people who were either there from the beginning, or returned after a divorce. It unfortunately includes those whose appearances make it hard to meet anyone and those whose appearances are fine until you speak to them. The others either meet someone immediately and never return, or don't need to go there in the first place. Agencies are a terrible waste of money and time (in that order, I have plenty of time to spare) as I spent a few years trying them in the late 80's onwards as the next port of call. Apart from the random success from a telephone dating service I met a pile of women, mainly older than me and divorced, with enough problematic data to allow Freud to write all his books all over again. I liked a few of them and some let me spend quite a bit of time and money on them before deciding they either didn't want me, or in the case of some, didn't really want a man at all now they'd had a go.

On the plus side, I do meet some incredible women, but not in a setting I can do anything about, but I know they exist, and some are even single. This includes my internet forums where they all live far away, and though some may have been worth trying had they lived nearby, I don't want to start with any complications. But it does give me hope, and if God is listening now, I'd like one very quickly, and even if possible one I can specifically name. I read we have to think without limits, and one miracle is no bigger than another, so we can expect anything to happen, as once you break the bounds of science one trick is as amazing as another, so you may as well ask for the biggest ones. The request has been made to the universe now, and I will let it go as I was taught to do.

Too personal?

As with any new technology, you have to discover the best way to use it, and this tends to be by trial and error. Putting your personal diary on the outside, rather than the inside does seem a bit of a contradiction in terms, as a diary is meant to be personal. Well, that's done now, as we have blogs, but my mother's latest comment was (following 'It's too depressing') is 'It's too personal'.

I agree nothing has been left out, as this is my diary and relates to me. If it was a normal website, like my own, it would be subject based, but this is 'me' based, and I may then go off at a tangent from there. I have not committed any crimes or broken any other rules so I don't believe I have much to actually hide, considering behind the scenes we've all 'been there, done that' to some extent. Now it's just coming into the foreground. Well, I have nonetheless taken the advice, too late to edit the previous stuff, and I also think it would make each post harder to understand if I left out key points. But other bloggers, is it really so bad to bare your heart online if everyone else does? My view was that once a few others have the courage to do so, then so will I. In the long run we'll all get used to it and start being more open naturally.

Just for the records, I do hold back a bit, I haven't mentioned: The size of my penis, my toilet habits, my current and past sex life, and some of my more way-out fantasies. I may write about the others now I've thought of it...

progress report

Well, after the last dismal post (I'd hit the bottom) I hope today's mood will be improved. Outwardly little's changed (details will follow) but I'm ok now. The financial effects will take a while to kick in if there is never any more benefit, and hopefully the time will either allow me to find a regular/ish income or reclaim benefits. So that's off the system now, it'll take care of itself in its own time.
The latest birthday's less than 24 hours away, (45, it's on my profile) so, for a birthday treat, I'll list (which is one of my great loves in life) what I have and haven't done in that time that I wanted to. Much overlaps with my 100 things, but of course most here is what I haven't done which wasn't there...

I have:

Got a law degree, professional counselling, psychotherapy and hypnotherapy qualifications.
Bought my own house. (These were my first two aims in life, and were fulfilled)
Been to 10 countries
Been on TV, including big brother (5 seconds), but not spoken
Had a number of articles published (unpaid)
Lived with a woman for 2 weeks (with a gap in the middle!)
Self published and sold a booklet on counselling
Seen auras
Proved (to myself) clairvoyance/collective mind
Performed music and comedy to audiences between 3 and a couple of hundred
Driven a large motorbike (550cc)
Driven a Cadillac in America
Seen performances from many A list celebrities, including Frankie Howerd, Bill Haley, Uri Geller (ok, maybe C list...), Artur Rubinstein (a pianist who was almost 90 at the time), The 'Carry on' and 'Hi de hi' casts, Lenny Henry, Rowan Atkinson, and my personal favourite (though just rehearsing) Patrick Stewart of Star Trek (next generation). I also saw Roy Orbison when I was about 4 which I just about remember being in.
Learnt probably the best way to meditate, from Maharaji.
Taken the Eurostar (bloody amazing as well).
Seen the queen (Maldon, Essex, around 1970, sitting in a parked car waving to the crowd). I missed a second view more recently at Portsmouth Harbour as the place was crawling with police so I carried on walking, and when I came back some minutes later had just missed her car arriving to collect or deliver her to the station.
Seen England play at Wembley (football) and The Oval (cricket).
Been to 73 football matches (League/Cup/International/reserve).

I still (and may never) have not:

Been married
Had children (intended to do one before the other anyhow)
Spoken on TV
Been paid to write
Had a single full time job for longer than 2 1/2 months, though I did have two for a total of about 4 without a break!
Had an enlightenment experience
Gained an official profession (ie where people are required by law to have one to practice)
Skiied (probably too late)
Jumped out of a parachute (probably too sane to)
Visited Leicester (probably too boring to)
Had any regular girlfriend for over 8 months
Had an out of body experience
Been to the southern hemisphere or the tropics
and finally Esther... Had anyone send me an email from Friends Reunited (apart from replies to mine) since I joined at the very beginning in 2000. Wankers!

At least the second list gives me some ambition, though the control I have over them, and the effort involved in doing so where I do have, means they're really up to fate rather than any other factor. On the TV one, Channel 4 TV have a list of reality programmes they want people for, and I may have to have my house overrun by crew for a month in order to get there at the moment, unless my actual talents get me there first!

Dragon's eggs

My concept of eggs hatching of course includes bad ones, and after 4 months a monster has hatched, meaning I now have no regular income. But my preparation meant that though I am far from happy, (I am still in shock of course) I did not panic or worry my life is ruined like I would have before. This is the first time in my life that I have ridden a storm rather than drown in one, and though I admit it's not the worst thing that can happen to me, it's no picnic.

Otherwise, there is little to report on any front beyond earlier progress. I can only think of utterly trivial items to mention but as this is a diary they all go in regardless, if only for others to see their lives are pretty much the same as everyone else's. Here goes for what my friend Vicky called a stultifying list of recent Kingsbury events to test the resolve of my few regular readers.

Firstly, due to so little happening last week I was finally able to start my filing, and have already chucked out about 6 inches of papers. The house still looks like a cross between a museum and an office, but I'm still ploughing through, and the best bonus I hope is that I find a long lost item while I look. Other than that, I'm struggling to think of anything else. I've also got another birthday coming up on Saturday, at this stage in life it's not anything I can be happy about, just relief I've survived another year, and see if I've done enough in the extra time to justify my existence. I still have the bare minimum, ie my house and my qualifications, but my pleasures in life have been cut to the bone.

I can (using the privilige of an imminent birthday) give something of a review to show my current position. The foundations we sometimes have in life that we can fall back on so whatever happens there is always something behind us have left me one by one till these two are the only ones left. I literally understand the term 'rock bottom' now, as if you imagine floating, there are so many layers of water cushioning you, and as one goes at a time, if there are none left, you end up with no water and living among the sharp rocks on the surface. Well that's where I finally ended up now. I can allow myself this one cathartic moan today as if I can't have a beef when I'm in the shit, when else could I?

So, since 1981 my foundations of all types have gone one by one. Firstly, and possibly the biggest, was when my mother left us in 1981, leaving myself and my father alone in the family house. Then my beloved Edmondson card train tickets I collected since 1970 were abolished for general use in 1988 (to be fully abolished in 1996). In 1993 we had to sell the family house where I'd been since 1965 and, though I didn't like it when I originally moved in, had got used to and was comfortable in. Following this, in 1997 I lost my job of 5 years, which though it wasn't well paid was easy and tolerable, and apart from the self-employment only managed to find one job since that lasted 3 days! (not my fault either). Finally in 2002 my best friend and his family (who also gave me the last job) left to live in America and I discovered I didn't actually see any other close friends much any more as I hadn't actually noticed until that point. Finally my regular income went. That sparked off this list, as I am now on the bottom, no water to float on but just the floor.

In future, of course I'll gradually get used to the situation, once the shock's worn off, and am having to adapt to the situation. Whatever I choose to do to get a job has no relation on actually getting one after waiting two years to get my last one. Refusing full time work doesn't help, but the previous time I applied for over 100 full time jobs I didn't get one of them either. The other eggs in my life are few and far between, and to be frank, don't mean a thing now as they don't really exist unless they hatch. Till then they only exist in the mind and not in the world. I'll just say that after reading of a few online friends who are dying, I've still, thank goodness, got my health (physically anyhow!) but I am alone and have little direction beyond the one I already have automatically. My life will barely change in practice. I'll just open a letter one day and find I have a lot less money. Other than that life goes on much the same, but along the rocks from yesterday onwards, till someone fills the bath again...

Karma and enlightenment

Though I was told this is one of the most basic concepts, I still thought it was a pretty clever formula I'd noticed, and as we all have to start somewhere, here is the relationship between karma and enlightenment.

Firstly, by being involved in the illusion (maya), which is the belief we are separate from everything else, we take it all seriously and build up karma, which then has to be resolved. This continues as long as we're involved in maya, though of course we do also learn something new every time we resolve a karmic issue. Then, when we have become tired of maya, with its events and related thoughts and emotions, we desire enlightenment, which is a release from maya and the associated feelings.

Using the simplest method as described on www.nickroach.co.uk , we detach ourselves gradually from the past karma by observing it, and as we remove energy from our reactions, we burn old karma by losing our association with it. Then of course by taking a detached attitude to current and new events, we stop building up new karma. When we finally finish the energy of our old karma, and perfect not reacting to current situations, we use it all up. And the result, of course, is enlightenment.

So if you allow in the extra concept of karma, though fascinating but superfluous to Nick's route to enlightenment, we are looking at the same thing in a different way. If karma does exist it will be an inevitable by-product of enlightenment that if you lose the illusion, you'll no longer be subject to any of its mechanisms, karma being the greatest one.

Random

I decided I'd post before I went to bed, and had no idea what I was going to write in advance, hence the title. A stream of Kingsbury consciousness based on the last few days here.
Well, everything is a bit average at the moment. With experience I've learnt to skirt round certain subjects here as some of the people I write about do know my URL and may or may not bother to read it. I presume every blogger has the same problem, so I'll try and convey all the trivia but may have to be a little vague at times, as they say, for illegal reasons (my own variation there).

One bright spot is the flurry of reunions I've had with people I believed were lost, the ones I mentioned last week were the initial telephone calls, which have now begun to be followed with actual meetings. One message I have to say from this experience is please don't write off people you were friends with in a hurry. I'd rather argue with interesting people sometimes than be thoroughly bored with the nice-but-dim. You argue with your family but usually accept them, and if you treat others the same way who haven't qualified as 'best friends', you may well be able to add them to your list of best friends by giving them not one, but many chances. As many of my old friends (up to 40 years plus standing) disappear, I realise the value of maintaining them, and for the first time in my life having to hope new ones arrive to replace the ones who moved on. No, I didn't drive them away, some went abroad, others had housefuls of kids and traded their few single friends for people they had something in common with at their new stage of life, and one day I just woke up and realised there were none left I saw more than once a year. I'll get new ones, no doubt about that, but as I neither go out to work nor study, and only go to a gym the other side of London where people talk once a month it'll take a while, but meanwhile I do whatever is here and available.

Other than that, I have been busier this week work wise (I work form home) as I was last week, and really enjoy seeing my therapy clients. Apart from being on TV, this is the next best job for me but though the benefits for others come from it as well, there isn't enough work to rely on to pay the bills, and there probably never will be. So it's really a part-time hobby and like actors, people only see the good stuff they've done, and rarely know how many weeks or months they kicked their heels between parts. Since my professional qualification I applied for a job every month on average for over a year, and finally got an interview in a school, where we were kept in a group of six together, all day (for the three left after the morning tests) in a staff room curiously reminiscent of the Big Brother house. It was surreal, as we were left to socialise in the room for about 3 hours while each person was picked off for first a task and then an interview including feedback on the task. The only bit that was missing (and I was almost tempted to look for) was the diary room . There was an open-plan kitchen to make tea, just like the BB house, and we sat in padded armchairs and chatted, and speculated about what tasks Big Brother was going to set, and then how we thought we'd done in each of them, and who was likely to get evicted in the lunch break. I was the only man, by the way. As it was, after a very nice table loaded with sandwiches, I was one of the three given their marching orders, and was quite relieved to be free after arriving at the gate over 4 hours earlier at 8.45am, a time I only saw previously when I either hadn't gone to bed yet or someone had died suddenly.

Well, that was hardly a current diary entry, but coming full circle Big Brother is currently on in the celebrity version, and as the end of series party is on a Sunday when I'm normally elsewhere I may not bother to go, and actually feel far less interest in the alleged celebrities than the normal housemates who are just like anyone I could meet normally. I have learned so much about people from watching the programme over the years, and now actually value every new person I meet as I realise how many of the people who arrived on day one and seemed faceless and boring (Scott would be a good example) actually turned out to be pretty interesting once you'd spent 10 weeks getting to know them. Now I value everyone new I meet as I see how everyone you come into contact with becomes part of your life, even if you never see them again. And of course, if I remember them they may remember me. So I try and present myself in the best possible way as I watch some idiots on BB making an arse of themselves and know how easily it could be me doing that if I don't make an effort. That's the end of todays rambling sermon that somehow ended up in BB territory. Maybe that's real life and we're the goldfish in a bowl. It could all be one big joke...

A possible theory

Having just met someone else directed to spiritual books because she was 'just directed to', and said everything seemed to be planned somehow, I realised that if I put the equation the other way round, if karmic coincidences have become far more frequent and clear, then of course more and more of us will notice. Like the fake number plates suddenly arriving in London once the congestion charge arrived, so I started noticing them because they were there, if 'the quickening' as some new agers call it is real, then quicker karmic results would be a major part of it.
As I said, I have abandoned all logic here to observation. I'm not a scientist, I only apply scientific method to my research. And all I did here was to observe, collect and present evidence. Of course there has to be an exponential effect in karma, as if I need a person to give me a particular experience, then the experience is also part of their karma etc. So my new friends here experiencing the same coincidences as me were then meant to tell me about it, as have all the other people I know. And I don't just go looking, people come and tell me without knowing I'm interested as well.

So if this observation was correct, it would actually mean something amazing- we are starting to realise our lives are being controlled and directed, plus those of us who are becoming aware of this are bunching together in groups to show each other this experience isn't just limited to our own lives, but apparently spreading, and pretty quickly. I've been busy with aliens, psychokinesis, out of body experiences and clairvoyance for the majority of my time researching as that's the sort of thing people tend to report the most. And now it's nearly all karma and coincidences!

Keep adding your comments, maybe I can keep the karma blog as part of this, (unless someone wants to start one for us all).

My greatest fears

Talking about all the stress in my life recently, I was telling Kendall about my fears about becoming involved in a transatlantic relationship, and explained something I'd never actually consolidated into an idea till then, which was the nature of my fears.

Basically it's being put in any situation where I am out of my depth, and not happy. The first memory I have of this was being in the infants school watching the kids in the junior school playground at around 7 and worrying whether I'd be able to manage the work there. A true Woody Allen in the making. Ever since, there have been situations looming ahead that I either didn't worry about and got on with, or did worry about and may not have even materialised. But as time goes on and I become far more aware of the situations I do not like or want, I have decided to do my best to simply not do them. This isn't always as easy as it sounds, as when you're already in one it's too late to take evasive manoeuvres. You can't always know what you're getting into, and like a quicksand you can start off in what appears to be a positive or harmless situation, and then see yourself up to your chest and fearing for your life (as you know it, at least).

Things I can and do avoid include residential courses (been there, done that, had enough), holidays I haven't actually chosen myself, staying overnight in places I don't want to, any job that appears too demanding, going to central London for more than a short time, and going to events like weddings. Of course half of these overlap with the agoraphobia, but added to the places are being hooked up with demanding people I can't always easily control. If they're not nice, I would both be unlikely to be with them at all, and if I was, have no fear of cutting them loose. But when it's nice people who are just becoming hard work for whatever reasons, it's bloody difficult, as I mentioned before. There are, like getting time off work, a few acts of God that would solve these problems for me, but I can't rely on or wait for them. But otherwise time alone doesn't solve these problems automatically, they just hang around like a bad smell. I'm sure there are people who either don't care who they hurt and have no concerns about avoiding conflict who can just tell other people to basically get lost, and others who are clever enough to have found a diplomatic solution. But I am in neither of these categories, and while I am currently pretty able to avoid the other situations on my list, all of which I have actually done to the state of being thoroughly fed up with, the ones that creep up and catch you unawares, until you find you're already in them are another one altogether. It's times like these that belief in God helps, not because the situations are ever solved, but somehow these people trust everything will be OK (like that's realistic!). Well though I am learning to stop imagining or expecting the worst, all I can do here is ignore the non-existent selection of futures and deal with whatever shit is here now, if there is any. At least it lessens the weight of the situation by putting it into its genuine perspective and not adding fears over its future as well. But if God, my guardian angel or any other other-dimensional being would like to solve my problems, please do. Otherwise it's either going to be waiting till my tolerance level breaks and I speak out, breaking many eggs in the process, or carry on as usual as I am. What wonderful prospects...

Here's another one

Well, I just found another blogger as well as T.O. and Stef who has entered the same stream of coincidences and karma as myself, and this is their major theme. I am also putting it on my favourite sites as my coming across it today seemed to be part of the process.
http://bewareofgod.blogspot.com

Maybe a group blog on karma would be next, so it could all be seen in one place and all the events added to see the bigger picture.

Current situation

Well, I have learnt one big thing recently, which relates to themes regulars will already have read. If I don't know what's going on behind the scenes, I imagine, and usually imagine the worst based on the tiny snippets of dubious information I do get. Therefore I had invented a complete scenario where the machinations going on based on the little I did know were mainly not in existence. The second lesson is apparently once we know a person, we can be connected and it has to be a lot worse for them to go than we think, thank goodness. As I said earlier, a number of people I'd partially given up hope on had all come back into my life one way or anpther, including a few I never expected to speak to again but contacted just in case, only to find a welcoming response. My negativity on another area has been removed.

Otherwise, I have been working quite a bit last week, hence my non-appearances online, and otherwise the other situations/people causing me stress are, as the nature of inertia states, continuing on and off. And because of my apparent karmic phases, they come in bunches so the people take it in turns to need me for one thing or another, when one stops it's not long before another takes over, and because I still have only one idea how to handle it which involves an event outside my control, it will probably carry on until I do work out how.
My business projects are continuing one way or another, I was just given a media contact for publishing my articles, though whether even that will elicit a reply remains to be seen. The fact that everything would have to stop and they'd have to plough through all this would explain any time between call and reply. I am now also writing Nick Roach's teachings on my forums for him, and actually feel incredibly honoured to be officially working with a master directly, and if there is karma, this has to be another karmic element.

Other bits and pieces. I saw another interesting number plate a second time, but parked this time so I could get an ID. The plate was the shortest I've ever seen, and was white on black, simply reading MT. It turned out to be a custom plate from Queensland Australia. They can choose the colour as well which explained the other confusing colour element, as Australian plates tend to be white. I also saw two definite fakes in a couple of days, another little bunching experience as it's been ages since I saw the last one. How the owners knew both had picked international formats that didn't exist beats me, as there's only one book where you can work that out, and not many people own it. I hope they look at a traffic policeman in a funny way and end up getting deported when the police discover whatever it is they're trying to hide. This may seem boring to some, but I've collected number plates and car models all my life since having the I-spy number plate book at about 4, and the model car catalogues since I was about 1, allowing me to learn every model in it by 2 or 3 (my parents told me this, and I can remember). Once British plates went 'Euro' in 2001 I happened to find a secondhand book of number plates of the world, and made my interest international. The arrival of the London congestion charge 2 years ago produced the flurry of fakes I started seeing at the time, and thanks to a lack of interest by the police are still being produced consistently.

To sum up, currently I am in neutral. Most of the big bad stuff is over (with the stress in the background for now) but all the projects for success are in such early stages I can only look in the now as I see nothing ahead. Now is quiet at the moment, but fine. Also as I've worked quite a bit I don't feel guilty having a couple of days off. I can but hope one or more of my major projects gets a major breakthrough as it is time I had something really good happen. And of course the celebrity big brother ends next week, so I should have another party to report on.

Read and learn (relationships)

Having to witness the possible breakup of a friend's (diabolical) relationship, I was reminded to talk about my own knowledge of this area, to help anyone who hasn't learnt how to handle this situation we nearly all encounter fairly regularly.

Basically, it comes down to one point. People can't really hurt you in a breakup long term. Simple as that, but I shall of course explain. In my distant past I was madly in love with two gorgeous girls both 2 years older and about 6 inches taller than me. Of course they didn't give a damn about me and I was totally cut up and didn't know what to do. I realised pretty quickly I couldn't survive very long in this state after a rejection as I could see it was going to happen over and over again, so I had to develop a coping strategy for it. This was my personal one, but since then (over 30 years) I have literally been treated as badly as possible by women I did and didn't love, and my strategy works. Perfectly. No damage, we are not attached (as Buddha says) or dependent (as counselling says) on another person for our survival. No bloody way Jose, don't let anyone con you into believing it, it's honestly total bollocks. Whatever takes place prior to marriage can be applied to my rule, and only because I haven't been married can I not test it on a divorce situation or similar.

Basically, my personal rule you can all learn is the '24 hour rule'. After a breakup or rejection, we feel like shit. That's a given. But how long should the loss of another person (who we didn't even know existed before we met them) ruin our lives for after they're gone? A month? A year? Why? You feel the same continually if you let the idea take hold you actually needed this person. You have no idea how long it will last and have no means of removing it if you believe this to be true. I didn't, as I couldn't bear it for more than 24 hours, didn't analyse it or think about it for too long as it was a simple insight and a matter of my own immediate survival. And it worked. So I won't try and explain why, how, or whether God or Allah inspired me as I neither know or care, like how my TV works. It just worked, and has ever since.

Anyone who has seen an earlier post will see around 40 ex-girlfriends, who more or less evenly decided both ways who would break up. I was in love with a few, but though the pain may have been far stronger when things went wrong the rule still worked. This leads to the bigger point. I have been (mentally, not physically- I believe any physical violence in a relationship is terminal, but that's only my opinion) mistreated in every possible way by women, though new ones do think of new methods of torture previously not imagined. And you know what, though it feels like hell at the time, it passes, resolves (usually in the inevitable breakup as such problems don't tend to occur in good relationships) and the effects wear off. I still have both my arms, both my legs, and better still, all my sanity. And that's why I'm here typing this now. Few people believe this!!!

Most people tell me they're somehow 'damaged' by the way previous partners treated them. Why? Most relationships involve a power struggle, and that leads to conflict with many people. But permanent scars? If that was true, my etheric body would look like a skating rink with all the scars. But it's perfectly intact, as are yours. Because we aren't really damaged by relationship problems after the event. At the time, they hurt, of course. But that's it.
Let me give my examples to conclude and then trust me, as what you'll be risking is feeling better, no more. You have nothing to lose but your beliefs learnt by the media and other people you know. If they make you hurt and shy away from new relationships to avoid the pain, then that's a lot to lose, and it's all excess baggage you never needed in the first place.

I have: Been in love with someone who wouldn't let me touch them though we went out for 4 months (if you know what I mean). She then told me (before I was going to propose shortly) she'd been in love with another man for a year or so and only went out with me as her mother didn't approve and wanted her to try others (ie myself). I was a guinea pig. I then said I was planning to propose, and she said 'So, loads of people have done that' and that was it. Until a week later she said she'd had an argument with her mother and could she rent my spare room? As the money and reliability compared to other unknown tenants was useful, I put my feelings on the back burner and accepted. Almost a year of seeing her and hearing about her (average 3 at a time) boyfriends before we finally argued so often she left. I was still in love with her every day she was there, and you know what? The day after I let her go and that was it. End of. Like waking up from a dream. Why? Not because I'm special, but a) I practised for ages to get to that level, and b) I knew relationships can't hurt you after they finish.
That was the second worst example, the worst was so because it was mutual, and I did lose something, not nothing. In the first I was treated like shit, and suffered for well over a year every day, and I consented to it as I believed it was good for me to rather than wimp out and lose a year's rent money or get a crook instead. The second was the exact opposite. I met a relative angel many years before, and gradually realised she wasn't a soppy little girl (best looking I'd been out with though) but a very nice, clever, understanding person who understood me totally, and I could say anything to and be understood, accepted and loved for it. How rare is that? See how important understanding is to me as I deliberately emphasised it three times. I discovered a true mutual relationship existed after a 4 week holiday break where we'd both been unfaithful (message here as well guys) and both admitted it as soon as we met back, and realised we'd now both discovered we wanted each other, and that had tested it for us possibly. I can always look back on that with Vivienne (maybe she'll read it now!!) and know what a relationship should be like. No wonder people get married if they can maintain that long term! So two weeks after our reunion, when things had just begun to get really interesting, for various reasons, her mother banned her from seeing me. That was it. End of, and I hadn't even 'done anything'(major)! I was about to, but as we were late we had to stop, so I even knew I was definitely going to. Crap!!!
I had my rule, I used my rule, I had everything potentially before, and lost everything in a stroke. All the elements of tragedy, everyone has their version but it's no competition, all these mutual split ups are equally bad, and I survived, regrets of course, but NO SCARS!

I can't prove I'm right for you, you'll have to try it yourself to test it, but I can say it's true for me, and we're all human and designed the same. I just learnt a technique and practised it like any other, and it worked. It will always work because it exploits the truth. Everything else you believe on this is imaginary, as it's based on a belief you 'must be hurt permanently'. And how does that feel? Bloody awful, I bet. So that is what you can lose, any move towards that is a profit, so don't just take my word for it, try it, it's got to be better than the other way!

All the latest news

Well this apparent karma stuff is getting really weird. Since deciding (like there was any choice?) to see life as a series of connections, I have been able to read it and even affect it as well by changing my attitude.

So this past week has been a balance between new success from my new attitude, and old crap left over from before that is not going to go away with time, but I'm being apparently tested to learn to deal with the really 'heavy stuff'. Well I am truly fed up with this, the responsibility of having phone calls all hours of the day and night (literally, though I don't take them if I'm in bed) like being on call, from people I know who I like but can't live to look after on a random basis, is starting to drive me batty. The only way I can imagine dealing with it would be an 'all-or-nothing' tree-felling operation, which I'd rather not do, I really just want to tell everyone I'm not here to use all my spare time mentally and physically supporting you. That, to me, would probably offend most enough to have the same effect as telling them to get lost. So my current second-best approach is to hope their problems will go with time and they'll go off leaning on me and find other things as well to do instead. This has worked in the past but the trouble is you never know how long it's going to take, and the karmic element is that at the moment this is happening for about 4 people at once. As soon as the phone goes down it's off again, as Kendall can confirm as she sees me on the webcam with the phone constantly being answered. Any advice will be welcome (my readership isn't logged here for some reason, but the recent lack of comments isn't too promising...).
Well there's the negative karma, it is almost too much for me at times as though it's stopped right now (like ten minutes ago...) it's around and unless I actually get a job, which will solve one lot of problems and create another, I can't see anything else happening to get me off the hook without causing too many waves.

On the positive side, my new attitude of starting to expect the best (as I used to for many years) has paid off, and driven my knowledge of karma to another level, that is personally directing it as well as simply witnessing its operation. In a week or two, a total of six people I'd semi written off are now back in my life (I haven't seen any yet but that may follow). Three arrived out of the blue, one family returned (to my mother, but I hope I may follow) after around a 20 year gap! The other three I was inspired to contact, and all were nice, and even pleased to hear from me! Unfortunately the ones who made arrangements, in their usual way have instantly then cancelled them (like giving you a cake and then sneezing on it) but that's not important as it's only a short term hiccup now.

To sum up, 2005 has started on a positive note, but as soon as the 'working week' arrived after the holidays, the stress and crap started to creep in, and living alone it's probably a lot harder just taking it time and time again without being able to talk about it. So doing this helps, but not only having someone else here to talk about things but also talk about their stuff to take my mind off it would protect my sanity no end. And all fears and worries buzz around my head uninterrupted by anything else when I'm here on my own. So Kendall, for one, gets it all in a bunch, and doesn't deserve to be the butt of my own inability to share my problems on a regular basis by getting them all dumped on her in one go. As Kendall is one person I know reads here, I'll add my idea that of course karma is universal, and my karma is her karma where it affects here, and she must have issues to work out that will best be learnt through me. Easy is the one word that doesn't apply to karmic growth. The theory is unless we take it damn seriously we won't need to learn new skills to change ourselves. So the situations are made as innocuous as possible without being ignored, so we'll notice them, but only become more serious if we still ignore them, till we are forced to act. This isn't my teaching, it's the stuff I've read, makes absolutely no scientific sense at all, butseems to work incredibly smoothly once I saw it operating.

Therefore currently I've managed to handle conflict (plenty of opportunities in 2004, finally learnt to cope with). Now I'm being given situations where I am sacrificing my own time and sanity to help others who need my help but at my expense, and though (after therapy!) I learnt to say no nicely to social invitations at last, I have now to learn to say no to friends who need me in my own time. We all have to do this at times, but I never learnt that one and couldn't of course do it naturally. My article writing should be able to soon coalesce all my karmic experiences into more of a whole book at this rate, and whether or not karma can be proved, tested, explained or not, if this is happening to me and people I know, I'm going to try working with it as long as it does. I hope to God a week from now (though I'd prefer a day) this lot can be resolved, as I am beginning to suffer. The weight is just piling up and becoming a bit heavier than I'd like to carry. But I don't want to put any down unless I can do so without breaking any of it. Pity I don't like holidays as I could do with a break...

A good week

Well, is this a first- something positive on my blog? I found expecting good makes me feel good regardless of whether it's logical, and this was followed by my awareness of karma, a second illogical discovery. Since imagining the best (well, trying to...) A few people from the past have all turned up within a couple of weeks, plus another amazing bit of news about someone I've mentioned here I'm just awaiting his permission to publish in full. I will say I have been read on Funtrivia by someone I wrote about there, and I didn't tell him I was a member. Now that is what I would call amazing.

I've been working fairly damn hard one way or another as well, one paid hour, nearly two I had to pay for (comes with the job once a month), and took my Mum to a grotty supermarket for a change. My builder arrived to measure the kitchen, and may actually be about to order the units! (It's only been well over a year!). I also called the radio a couple of times, plus last night Talk Sport kept me waiting at maybe 5p a minute for an hour and fifteen minutes and then ended the programme without putting me on. Thanks Mr Murdoch, you have billions and still want my £1.80 an hour cut from the total BT get even when you know I won't be put on. I also went to Brentford for the third time on a boxing day (a bit late as it was a 1pm kick-off) to see them get buried 1-3 by Torquay, but it was nice to see so many ex-premier players on both sides as well as a few Brentford old-timers. Understandably I'm now knackered, and it's new year's eve already, with people coming over tomorrow as usual. I hope my email request is accepted so I can give the full story here. One last element is it may even get me on the radio (albeit on Sky digital!) but anything is a start, having lost my place on Capital in 1973 due to appendicitis. I shouted 'hooray' once on a Capital Gold roadshow when my request was read out, but that hardly counts...

activity

Reading some other local blogs, so many people are so incredibly busy both at work and otherwise, though I suspect nearly all are under 30. My life was also like that till then, and I've had enough of that now, and hope most other 'grown ups' also reach that stage, married or not. Now my life is the total antithesis to that. I see interest in people, not events, and though I do go to selected events, they are the exceptions in my life, and I prefer to interact and create, having literally 'been there, done that'.

I love lists. I've already graphically displayed my 10 countries here, and will add duplicates- France 11 times, Israel 3, and USA twice. And that included 10 states. The effort involved now exceeds any pleasure except for day trips.
I also go to football a lot, though having added over 50 matches in about 4 years am now winding down. Nowadays I like seeing all types of masters and psychics, and have seen Uri Geller twice (would go every time he was on locally), Maharaji 5 times, Matthew Manning, Geoff Boltwood and of course Nick Roach, as well as a number of advaita masters www.advaita.org such as Satyam Nadeen, Satyananda and Om C Parkin (all new names given on enlightenment). Apart from that I go to antique and toy fairs, mind/body/spirit shows, and steam railways. What I do like doing is filming, and have spent over a year filming the places I grew up and then went in the houses of friends and interviewed each about life since I'd known them. These will be incredible records in 20 or 30 years time.

Otherwise, what has been happening in my little life? It's been fine, I have had a few hours work this week which went pretty well, the builder fixed all the important things as I said, and finally played my first game of snooker having discovered a family friend with a table, and actually got some balls in, which made me happy. I barely did anything else apart from family visits as per usual, but it's been OK, and it's currently (oy vay) Christmas morning at 2.30, and I won't be seeing anyone till 5pm for a late family dinner. I've got my abduction tape to copy, and hope I can get on with that the rest of the day, unless I get a surprise visitor (that was a joke). By the way, no one's commented here for over a month- am I boring everyone? This is really based on reality, so though I try and make it interesting, it is a blog first and Kingsbury is like a waiting room for the cemetery, and this is reflected here! If I die and find out there's more I'll be delighted but till then I see this as a single performance and any more will be a fantastic bonus. But heaven and hell? I've been to both and it was right here. More philosophy on its way, watch these pages.

Wednesday's rubbish

It's been a typical week here, a bit of work, a bit of socialising and my builder finally came and did all the outstanding small work in less than a day in total. I can use Videoplus again after about 2 years as my video is now connected to an outside aerial.
Kendall is still on messenger every day, and (well, I was encouraged to post my progress so it has to be straight) I can see I am working through a number of her 'issues', appearing to myself at least that as a trained counsellor I am able to work on each issue as it arises and I really believe these will be sorted out as a lucky coincidence of our meeting. Our aims have been more equalised now, as having never met anyone from abroad before, I am not going to assume anything about anyone, even someone I'd watched on TV for 5 years, compared to really meeting them. Kendall had been of the impression (to me, at least) that meeting online and on the phone was as good as any other way, and could judge the future by that adequately (though she did finally admit her doubts, which were identical to mine!). This showed common sense is universal as I see a minefield, and risking a life in a foreign country, possibly on the basis of a week's visit seems a bit like the journeys of Indiana Jones... I will see.

Generally speaking, at 44 my caution is based on many past experiences where plans didn't turn out anything like I expected in reality. This included a trip to Israel, intended for a few months, where I spent 5 days sleeping on various floors before being told the family set up to stay with had had a bereavement and buggered off abroad, and I had to go home. I had been to Israel once before, was quite at home there and had no wish to leave at the time, and never got a chance to go anywhere longer than 4 weeks since.
Secondly I was hooked into buying a house because it was large and cheap. It backed onto a railway line and was in a nondescript and heartless area I didn't really know, and was depressed for over a year and a half and decided to bail out and move to an area I knew and liked. With women you normally get to know them for months and more before commitment, but in our position, though it's not compulsory, it's on the cards after a week. I hear alarm bells ring, plus it won't be me who's moving their whole life to a foreign country (though at least it's the best in the world!).
So there is some time before the trip can take place, but I try and tell Kendall everything more or less prior to posting it here, as I'm not intending to give her any surprises deliberately. I would welcome opinions though from neutral readers (do I still have any readers?) on transatlantic and similar relationships.

So that has been the week so far, my current binge on nostalgia (gleaned from the memory bins of my mind at random) have unearthed information on Nadia Cattouse (you either know who she is or not), Jeremy Taylor, the South African comedian who was often on the BBC, and a cult classic schools programme, an 8 episode series from 1973 called 'Joe and the sheep rustlers', part of the long running 'Look and read' series. This summed up childhood in the 70s for me, though it was a shame you had to be ill before you could watch most of these, as colour TV had only just arrived and it was still ten or more years before video recorders became affordable. If you visit look and read you can see all the programmes plus the words to the song about the Beasleys in my favourite. The good news is since CBBC they've been showing it twice a year from 2003, and I hope to see it if broadcast in 2005. The effort put into children's programmes has always impressed me far more than others, and I'm happy to admit I'd rather watch many of them than the cack the main 5 channels serves up nowadays. To think 'My family' is actually one of the better comedies of 2004, purely due to total lack of better competition. Plus James Hendrie, the writer, sat behind me at school. But as raised on Monty Python he could have done a little better...

Alien communication 2

I saw my client again today and continued (very fluently) the dialogue with the alien called Zaphos. Here are the main points.

1) We come from Delphis 3, 84 light years away in earth physics, but we can exceed this speed using cosmic physics. The (worker's?) planet is 55-57 light years away. We travel here at the speed of light, but send the air crew (greys) and control them from our home planet

2) The greys don't use eyes and ears, but hear and see telepathically. The black eyes are visors to protect their remaining eye areas which are very sensitive to light

3) The ship is powered by a positron generator beamed upward in a spiral by a waveguide. It attracts the negatively charged atmosphere and electrons are simultaneously beamed downwards to repel the negatively charged planet, propelling the craft.

4) The alien's appearance is like ancient Egyptians, who are hybrids between the resident apes on earth and the alien people. There was also a colony on Mars, which the face there represents their appearance.

5) We are needed to keep their race going as they have badly polluted their own planet. In exchange for the genetic material taken from abductions we are given some of their technology, but only that we can use without danger (such as anti matter which wouldn't be safe to use)

6) The first and best example of a higher being was sent to the Dogon tribe in Africa long before biblical times, and was called Nommo.

7) Certain gifted individuals on Earth are Merlins (which is a qualification level rather than a specific individual). Jesus was a complete Merlin, having all the powers shared among the others separately. They are working for the good (eg Uri Geller, Matthew Manning etc) and against those that control governments such as the Bildeberg group, who will soon be reined in by the aliens as they are ruining the earth in pursuit of power

8) Global warming is not the threat we are facing. Nuclear radiation is, and cannot be cleaned once released.

9) There was one original creator we call God, who is the origin of us all, and lives on in spirit

10) Our pets are more advanced than most realise, and we really work together with them on a more equal level, much as aliens do with us, they look after us the same way we do pets

11) The religious texts of all religions point to the same truth, but current translations have lost the message

12) The reason we don't see abductions is they're cloaked from view. Spaces are made in walls and cars, and the piece is returned and repaired at a molecular level with no trace of damage

13) If you read the work of Eric Von Daniken he was actually closer to the truth than many people realise.

I will leave this as it is and leave others to comment

A week of karma

Last week followed on very nicely from the instant karma recently reported in the road accident. Karma has a few aspects, and personal growth is one of them. That means when it's time for us to learn a lesson to fix a fault or teach us a new skill the same situations seem to arrive continually (as I described before to myself) until the problems' dealt with, and then they stop and some other hassle replaces it. Maybe I'm on a fast track to mastership, as I get plenty.

Well, 3 other people were involved last week, all with similar stories. Firstly I made my first ever illogical observation that worked. I just realised I was happier if I expected things to be good, like I used to before I found they rarely were. The trouble is I felt better when I imagined they'd be good regardless, and decided that's how I have to be again. Then a friend said the reason I rarely (at all??) had miracles is the bible says you have to believe first. This just confirmed I was doing the right thing as she didn't know I had decided this as she was just trying to explain God to me.
Then another friend said she was fascinated by it as she had instant karma, which is actually a sign of a master.
Finally someone else said how a situation seemed to work out in a planned way, where 3 or more events that didn't usually happen came together as if they had been designed to do so.

I'm now actually looking for lessons and events in advance to fit the theory so I can work with it. But whether we draw things to us or the whole lot is pushed by an outside force isn't worth trying to work out, but just stick to seeing if the system's there and using it. Maybe I can actually shift some of the crap from my life as well as a result?

Speculation updates

As promised, I can update two points from yesterday already:

2) Will my friend apologise? Yes, great relief

5) Will the aerial man come? No. Total wanker. Due to be named and shamed by Tuesday. I may even include (for the first time) his name, address and phone number so other readers (in particular from London bloggers who may come across him) can avoid him like I didn't.

Nice at least for one speculation to result as positive, I think most turn out 10-20% good, off the top of my head. So from these two, I'm already making a profit. I somehow think the others will even things out over time.

And if my adversary does read this, why hide in the shadows? I won't think you fancy me if you add a comment!

Today's chaos

Yes, today was one of those days that needed negotiating with no map or compass to help. I had to get up quite early to collect my parcel from Kendall which was gathering dust at the post office, who closed early today. It was huge!. I was amazed to see the little Indian lady I know so well struggle with a parcel half her own size and weight, and it was full of goodies as promised, which are all being used already.

The third time running (this time with no warning) the TV aerial man didn't turn up. I think it's the end of that lead (pun there) and Video Plus (our automated video recording system) may not be coming to my house in the forseeable future. Once I realised that person (can I say pratt here?) wasn't coming I had the rest of the day to use until I went out at 6. No ideas, but it was dry, so no housework this time. I ended up going to a newly discovered local park with 180 degree views of London, and an assortment of fascinating paths leading to it through ancient cemeteries and interesting houses. Any London bloggers reading are recommended to visit Sunny Hill Park in Hendon if they get the chance, it's usually passed at 50 mph by the A1, A41 and M1 which surround it, and only locals probably stop to walk there.
Once done, I had basically mopped up the remaining part of the day and that was it.

Todays speculation scenario. Worms turning: Miracles, can they ever happen? I'm not referring this time to walking on water, but people. It happened (as she well knows) with Kendall, and she stood out from most others who didn't, and I'd also welcome comments telling me their experiences. I'm referring to people who have left you behind for whichever reasons returning long after they were consigned to the expectation of never hearing from again?
I have a growing list of these people (some who do or did read here, but they have seen my views already), and while I have idle days like this I wonder if, say over the next 6 months, I'll get one nice surprise to show me the individual's human nature is redeemable. I think the last time this happened before October was in 1993 when an old girlfriend called me after almost 10 years as she was feeling 'desperate'. Then in 1972 when the girl I liked on holiday who had then ignored me phoned me after I got home. That felt like one of the best days of my life, and she turned out to become my first girlfriend. The combination of lost hope, losing something valuable, and then having it return having done absolutely nothing about it yourself is one of the best surprises you can ever have.

My list includes: 1) Someone I fell out with earlier in the year and would be extremely happy to hear from.
2) Someone I thought I knew better, called me a bastard for making an innocent comment and told me where to go. I know she's more sensitive than necessary, and had a hard time from people who deserve that sort of treatment, but don't project it on me, please. If she ever apologises the champagne corks will pop (though I don't like it).
3) Will the barely referred to mystery I hinted at recently ever yield any more information? Experience has taught me discretion here, but I will report with a simple yes at least if this happens regardless of having to censor anything else.
4) Email replies: As well as the named and shamed friends reunited baskets who are just bloody rude for joining a site and ignoring emails at will, there are an equal number I emailed out of the blue or mutually and then stopped replying (if they ever did). Plus that damn bitch I wrote to as her new phone number was ex-directory and didn't bother to reply. What did she think I'd do if she replied? Arrive at her flat and propose on bended knee?
5) Builders: This is the 4th aerial man not to turn up, my garage roof and boiler have needed attention for ages, and I'm no closer to getting them done. Not to mention the person who said he'd measure my kitchen for new units over a month ago. He was guaranteed 3 days work as I knew he could do the job and can't even be arsed to come in for an estimate even though he works at the end of my road every day!
6) Any others I've missed but could happen. May include any old friends who evaporated but may become curious about me eventually, existing friends who haven't returned phone calls, returning clients (this is a real phenomenon) and any other reversal of attitude that may actually conspire to make me smile for a change.

A week of mixed blessings

Well, being the verge of another week, it's time to review everything from the previous one. As announced, it's been a 'balance' of ups and downs (nothing odd there) and as the blog is here, you'll have to read it as it happened.

On the one side, I arranged at last for someone to fix my TV aerial after NTL the cable company forced us to reconnect our roof aerials when converting to digital as the videos won't work otherwise. A bit like the Transport for London trick of narrowing dual carriageways down to 2 lanes. What next, a nice epidemic of polio for old time's sake? Anyway, soon after connection, the whole lot (being over 10 years old) disintegrated, and this is the third person I've arranged to fix it. He *didn't* come on Friday but is rescheduled for Tuesday, so hopefully that will move to the credit column. I also applied for a few jobs, one in a bookshop is already on 'reserve', meaning if they need a standby I'm on the list, and once in should become a regular sooner or later. The second didn't reply, and I'm waiting for a form from the third (if I remember asking for it...?). Kendall has sent me a multiple Christmas/Chanukah posting,including a total of 3 cards. So far two cards arrived on Saturday, and I'm hoping if the parcel arrives Monday when I won't be there the postman won't just leave it on the step as some do, as it's not the sort of package that responds well to being left outside, let alone the security aspect. I have never been in a situation where I had to wait so long for anything outside my control and though I am getting more used to it it sometimes feels like I've been caught in the Twilight Zone or similar, and am completely lost in unfamiliar territory. I said I'd be writing all my worries again when we spoke last night, and here they are! She knows this already so hopefully it won't come as a surprise to read again, how comes most women who really appreciate me have only done so at the end of a distant computer? Am I missing anything here, as in person it seems to happen about once every ten years, and I'm pretty much the same person now, just a bit more mature (for Christ's sake, if I'm not going to be at 44 then it's unlikely ever to happen!). And the ones who like me at the end of a computer are sane as well, which amazes me even more, and quite unlike most experiences locally!

Time for more

Well I can honestly say nothing's happened since my last entry, but there comes a time when things stop outside, and you feel it's time to write in the blog. And something always comes from it, so this is one of those times.

In the last few days I have been fairly busy doing little things like going for tea and shopping, though as usual it was when I wasn't intending to buy anything I actually found a number of things I needed and couldn't find elsewhere, though the one item I wanted and didn't expect to find having discovered the original firm stopped making them was actually just where it always was (though the shop had moved a mile or so) but just with a different label, and wasn't even too expensive.

Having got all that banality out of the way, what else? More banality I expect, but this is just a soap, only in real life with all the boring bits left in. At the moment it's a good time to accept things as they are in the Buddhist sense, as whatever action I'd like in my fantasies based on possibilities, this is what's real and there was nothing I could do about that. So whatever I'd prefer now this is what is here and I can only accept that which is. It's very tough when your memory reminds you what you could be missing from previous action, but really you had little control over what and when that was just as you do now. So it sets up a preference but doesn't allow you to satisfy it directly (or often indirectly either). The presents life has to offer are given by either random chance or God (the answer to that I can't say) but not by our own action based on choice. We make the starts but not the finishes.

As this is turning into a philosophy essay I'll do the academic thing I'm so used to and give examples (but no references!). If you join a dating agency, you have no say who's there and who replies or sends you a message. That has already narrowed down your choice by well over a half. Then the compatibility factor between you and whoever may meet you is going to depend both on how well you fit and what both of you want at that time, narrowing down your say again. Finally, if it works out, do you think if you'd chosen anyone else in that agency you could have engineered the same result? Come on, the bit you did was join the agency and use the facilities in full, the rest is out of your hands. You may increase your overall chances of success in any field by improving your skill levels, but as we all know, success is rarely from talent alone, it's only the top few in any field of equal ability who make it. We only make the starts, the finishes are not our department. It's very demoralising at first to realise this (as I have) as it means every ambition we ever wanted is outside our control besides starting off the process. But at least it save us the effort of trying to make things happen once we realise it's not in our power.

Well, I said if I started something would come out. And you should see the stuff I had to edit out!

What is a master?

This is a quote from Nick Roach's site, and since I found in writing my 100 things that the only 2 people who understand things as well as me that I've found are my own two masters, Maharaji and Nick Roach, does that mean there could be something about me that's singled me out for that path?

Nick is enlightened (following another point on my list 'If that's possible') as until I can experience it I can't be sure. Maharaji dislikes the concept, instead preferring spiritual experiences, which he does have, and I know are real. His mastery is both as being one of only two people who can teach 'Knowledge', his line's method of meditation, along with his brother in India, and regular lectures (about 300 a year) on life, which is how I know of the level of understanding. He makes every problem look trivial the way he puts it, and can really seem to be just speaking to you as he knows life so well.

Nick Roach is head and shoulders above every enlightened master, as all the others either blur the message using religious jargon (OK, mainly the Indian ones) but they did write most of the first literature taken to the west in the 1940s, or only know parts of the picture and though quite probably enlightened, haven't got enough understanding to teach it, and only convey part of the picture.

Nick spent much of the hour answering questions at random, and clearly (at the age of 31) understood each situation (though most hadn't been within his own experience) and gave similar advice on parenting and phobias as I do as a therapist. He is a qualified nurse, but there are plenty of others who don't have his level of understanding as a result of it.

So my question is, if someone has a known ability they can demonstrate to others, and then finds that this is really only shared by masters, is this a sign they are in the same mould?

I'd be happier to be enlightened and not too bothered whether I taught or not, especially as I find very few people interested in it anyway, and far better nowadays to put all my efforts into my own path. But masters tend to be appointed by others, and have found most of my life people told me their problems, somehow knowing I could help. And though I'm not enlightened, I know I wouldn't have too much trouble sharing Nick's lectures as I believe everything he says is right, and would probably answer the questions in a similar way, except not being able to describe my own enlightenment journey of course. Maybe this is my first lesson!

100 things about me

Inspired by fellow blogger T.O. though I hear it's quite popular, I decided to write 100 things about me. Another related idea came to me this week when trying to think of people like me, realised that when I meet 2 people who are similar it's actually the exception rather than the rule, as most people have no one anything like them, and that includes me.

Here goes:
(In no logical order)
1) I'm an only child
2)Besides a few tenants, I've lived alone since 1992 (and hated it)
3)My online family is at www.funtrivia.com, which I discovered 2 days after getting my computer on 17/2/2000 and have since met 7 members, so far.
4)I have suffered on and off with a degree of agoraphobia for around 20 years but I am now quite used to it.
5)I discovered as a child I knew certain things without being told about them.
6) I learnt to meditate in 1997 with Maharaji at the Brighton Centre
7)I've had 3 cats full-time since 1968, currently Lucy, who arrived in my garden in 1999
8) I've worn glasses since 1974, the current stronger lens being -3 astigmatism/short sight
9) Any reference to bodily functions can make me laugh
10) I love collecting experiences like going abroad and football matches, but the pleasure of adding to my lists now far exceeds the pleasure of the actual experiences
11) My first girlfriend was at the age of 12
12) I've never had a regular girlfriend longer than 8 months
13) As far as I'm concerned, everything in the world started going downhill in around 1975
14) I was born in Highgate, London in January 1960 (Aquarius)
15) My musical tastes are mainly between 1955 and 1975
16) I have visited 10 countries, the longest for 3 weeks, (USA) the shortest a couple of hours (Canada). The record was my last trip to France, which was a minute on the platform at Lille station on the way back from Brussels
17) I've collected British train tickets since 1970, and many other things.
18) I'm Jewish but not religious
19) I most identify with Woody Allen, Jason Alexander and Ben Elton (though his mother's not Jewish, but Irish, Kathleen to be sure).
20) I have a law degree and qualified as a psychotherapist
21) Due to circumstances beyond my control, I've been almost retired since 1997, though it allowed me to finish my studies and am prepared to work again if I get the right offers.
22) I like all animals except parasites
23) I like doing impressions and accents
24) My current favourite accent is Nigerian
25) I support Manchester United (after my father) and Barnet football clubs
26) My favourite TV programmes include Crossroads, Star Trek, Blockbusters, Big Brother and Monty Python
27) This year I met 4 Big Brother housemates, and was on the programme for 5 seconds with Jason Cowan
28)I've never had a full time job for longer than 2 1/2 months
29) After 10 years of lessons I can play the piano by ear
30) I'm 5 feet 5, which took me well into my 30s to get used to
31) As everyone's noticed, I love talking about myself
32) I've always been fascinated by the supernatural
33) My major inspiration was Uri Geller in 1973, who I've seen twice since
34) My next ambition is to talk on TV
35) I avoid Central London as I'd avoid hell itself
36) I believe nothing without evidence
37) My mother left us in 1981 which may have been the start of my decline
38) I have studied enlightenment since 1997, and finally understood the logic when I saw Nick Roach this October
39) My car is 12 years old, is just coming up to 100,000 miles, and still works like new
40) I have always spent time filling in unused diaries with jokes and pictures, and they have evolved into more of a blog format over the years. No one except me reads them though.
41) I also have no first cousins, I only had one (married) uncle altogether who died some years ago
42) I prefer to carry on a job till it's finished than go to bed and carry on the next day. Therefore I often stay up past 4am
43) The only relationship I've had where we both felt the same was ended by her mother in 1975 before anything really 'happened'. Thanks Mrs Toper.
44) Doing this is the most interesting thing I've done today
45) I often prefer children's TV and radio programmes to adult ones
46) My best friend left the country in 2002, and I've been pretty left behind since then
47)The longest I've spent between girlfriends was nearly 4 years, and the longer I live the longer it takes each time
48) I also hope to become famous eventually, how I don't care. I just believe I have the power to entertain and don't want to waste it
49) If I ever have the money I'm moving back to the area where I lived till 1993, if I could I'd buy our actual old house back.
50)I can never understand fashion. If something's good it's good. If not, don't use it. Much easier to understand.
51) I love tracking down any information, and since the internet have become even better at it
52) I can't believe the incidence of mental illness among my friends is average
53) I have never got a job through filling in an application form, though I've filled in many hundreds. Most have been from people I knew and going and asking.
54) My best relationship that lasted was with my neighbour Debby, who moved away when I was about 9. It set the framework for what I'd look for ever since.
55) I am always prepared to forgive everyone if they genuinely apologise. Every friendship can be revived. The only reason I drop people is if they're boring, not bad.
56) I almost never argue with anyone.
57) I like wearing gold rings and bracelets
58) I live a few hundred yards from the house I lived in till I was 5
59) I have found I can understand virtually anything if explained to me clearly. I know of very few people who can also do this, in fact only my two teachers Nick Roach and Maharaji have shown this quality so far.
60) The nearest I've got to fame is making hundreds of calls to the radio, all logged
61) I keep records and graphs of everything I've done since losing track some time ago and having to discover all the details over again
62) The furthest I've been from London is Miami
63) The longest I've been away from home is 4 weeks, a number of times on my regular Devon summer holidays
64) The game I'm best at overall is Scrabble
65) The sport (if it counts) I'm best at is pool (British rules)
66) My politics is best described as libertarian, not left or right wing
67) My main jobs were: Shop assistant, estate agent, van driver, teacher, despatch clerk and my current self employed therapist
68) My best life skill is handling money
69)My worst include approaching women and working long hours
70) I believe children have the right to live with their parents until they are married, if that's what they prefer
71) I tried singing once since my voice broke, never again
72) I have done a number of cabaret performances, playing the piano and doing impressions
73) I am qualified to drive on a normal car and an unlimited size motorbike licence
74) The largest motorbike I've ridden was a friend's Honda 550. I couldn't pick it up when I went to park it though.
75) I have never broken a bone, as far as i know
76) Though I was desperate to get married as soon as I graduated in 1984, the closest I got was a 3 day engagement in 1997 which didn't have time to become officially announced
77) The least entertaining TV programme I've seen is East Enders. I'm surrounded by these sort of people already and it concentrates all their worst features to the exclusion of all others. What's entertaining about that?
78) If I could choose a job I'd like to do but I'm not qualified to, it would include: London taxi driver, librarian, social worker, researcher and (due to obsolescence not qualification) train ticket collector. Hang on-I am actually qualified to do research so maybe I'll check that out.
79) The two things I find it impossible to improve are my handwriting and my accent
80) I don't see any need in lying. If you don't want to admit something say you don't know, otherwise tell the truth.
81) I can do mirror writing as quickly as the world record holder
82) My eyes are said to be cat's eyes, as they tend to change from the grey-blue they are basically depending on the light. Interestingly, no one in my immediate family has eyes lighter than green
83) When I make mistakes, they're really big ones. Few but major.
84) I have to sleep 9 hours per night, if I don't, I always make it up later
85) I am fascinated by natural disasters and car crashes. I would love to witness a major earthquake as it shows whatever we do the Earth can undo all of it when it feels like it
86) One of the best discoveries I could make is finding life in other dimensions
87) I have never 'done it' (or anything else) in the bath
88) When I was 11 I had an IQ test, and was pretty good. I've never managed it since in informal tests. I hope you only need to count one for life.
89) Out of every nationality I've met, I always get on best with Americans who are far more open and laid back than any others
90) I am 1/4 Polish
91) Cats regularly run across the road or from gardens to me
92) I have never smoked
93) I have been in hospital twice, once for my appendix and once to straighten my nose inside
94) I love having an audience but hate being in one
95) When I was 14 I had a project to find every possible name for poo, and got friends to make lists for me from everyone they knew
96) I have received genuine information in dreams for some years which was almost impossible to find by chance previously, convincing me we all have absolute access to all information if we know how
97) I spent a year altogether in weekly psychic development classes
98) Possibly the most knowledgeable person I ever met was my biology teacher, Peter Runnalls. Whatever I wanted to know about, including philosophy and problems, he usually had the answer. He was a great influence on showing me what I could be like.
99) My dancing is nearly as bad as my singing, but though I'd like to be able to sing i can live quite happily without dancing
100) I still haven't had sex with anyone I really fancy since the first one.

Chaos in Kingsbury

Blimey, what a week, and it's only Tuesday... Well what I said about waiting for eggs to hatch and being tested is reaching its next level and I wish it wasn't. Of course, you have a set of good and bad eggs at any one time in your life, and actually few of either sort ever hatch, training us not to assume anything may happen in advance but only to concentrate on what's around now.

So I'll carry on as usual, paranoia and anxiety are easily spread like the flu, and I am prone to catching it at times, and if I'm being tested to learn to become immune to worse and worse possible imagined fates then I'm learning. But it sure takes it out of you.

I don't believe in karma as it means God controls our lives and as any regular here will know, I can't go along with that until I have my own out of body experience to know this directly as many have claimed to before. Of course, if it was true, it would all be good, as if there is a system controlling the universe intelligently, we're looked after, everything's looked after, and it's just a game where we don't really get hurt or killed. So this would have to be hidden from all but the masters as if you found this out you may not learn any more as you wouldn't take life seriously any more.

It starts this afternoon. I was waiting at a local bridge with my father, which is one lane and controlled with traffic lights. Well today they were jammed at red both ways so we had to ignore them as the traffic was backing up the length of the road. But I said they always stayed red for a long time and people were now reguarly overtaking the line to cross them at red, and it would serve them right if they had an accident. But he said what about the person they hit, and he had a point there.
But tonight, as I was driving through West Hendon planning my blog entry here, a twat in a Mini with his fog lights on did a rally turn into the road with the bridge at almost 30 mph (turning right before turning left to show off), followed by driving through the red light over the bridge, with a few other sheep which is happening more and more every day as the lights can often stay red for up to 5 minutes. It is actually the closest country lane to central London, all winds and twists, little pavements etc., and as I turned the worst of these bends there was a group of cars pulled up in the middle of the road. The total tosser had followed Marcus Gronholm's recent example in the Australian rally (on a very similar road) and taken the corner at 180', ending up sideways across the road with half the front of the car hanging off. I've no idea what he hit, as the other two cars had stopped to avoid him as they'd followed him through the red light, and I'd waited for them to turn green a few seconds later. They seemed OK, so he probably did a Marcus and hit a tree. Of course no one was hurt as I wouldn't have been so happy or reported it here either. They were just standing studying their wrecked car, hopefully to treat public roads with more respect in future. So the point about mentioning karma was that as I sat in my car imagining if there was karma my current predicament would be to teach me to ignore all 'eggs' that hadn't hatched, good or bad, and thought how unlikely that would be, when I saw someone receive their own apparent karma in the matter of a minute. And I've never seen an accident there in 9 years, so it's not a regualr black spot. And I've only ever heard of one accident before then in almost that place. What did I say about the scriptwriter making his presence obvious at times?
It's the third time I've seen 'smart' drivers caught immediately. The first was at a traffic lights where I'd fallen off my motorbike on a wet road when the lights turned red. The next day someone jumped them and was pinched by the police. The second time I was overtaken on a left turn. The car appeared round the next bend on its roof (and of course the driver walked out unhurt). So when you see your next wanker in a car who looks like they're heading for an accident, I can tell you, sometimes they will be, and in all my examples no one else was affected either. If karma was real, these would have been perfect examples.

Alien communication

As a researcher, one of my jobs is debriefing people who believe they have been abducted by aliens. Yesterday I met one, and underwent almost 90 minutes of hypnosis, not to recover a possible abduction, but to fill in the gaps of two suspected ones, which we did. I always ask if I can communicate with the aliens through the subject, as under hypnosis most abductees are somehow able to speak with the voice of an alien (using their own voices) or be in communication where I ask a question and they pass it on and receive an answer.

Yesterday I received the first comprehensible report from one after a number of other attempts, and until I get a transcript of the tape, which I didn't have time to copy, I'll summarise the messages from my notes, and as soon as I get a copy I'll add the whole lot on www.kingsbury.tk

I went through my usual list of questions, and actually got answers which fit what I already know, and were consistent with each other. This is the list:

1)What is the reason for abducting people? "They are experimenting on life forms, reproductive units (how they see us) after creating us as their farm animals. Thus they have a duty to look after us as we do our own animals."

2)What do you get from the experiments? "We provide a gene pool, so what benefits humans benefits us as we are all the same, with the same genes."

3)Where are you from? "We have the same origins as you. We are one, we have polluted our own planet just as you are now polluting your own. We also had a community on Mars which is the origin of the face and other markings we can see on it. That was us, that is us."

4)Can you harm us? "We are totally safe in their hands, they see us as part of themselves. We all share the same origins"

5)Why do we forget abductions? "Sometimes we wipe memories, but usually the human soul cuts off such memories itself"

6) Can you heal our illnesses? "Not all. We can kill cancers without removing them, but some disorders are genetic or damaged organs which we can't always help"

7) How do you travel here? "We use channels which you are polluting with your wars, killing and pollution which makes it harder for us to use. We are the universe, we are everything. When people die they come into our channels and killing so many people blocks them for us. You must learn as we had to to stop war and polluting the Earth, which in turn pollutes the gene pool and creates new genetic disorders"

8) How do you hide your craft from us? "We can select certain people to see them, it's often the ordinary people we want to see us as what you call important people are more likely to ruin our messages"

9) What are your plans for mass disclosure? "We are planning a revelation in 2012. Meanwhile we have contracted with your governments to maintain secrecy. "

10)How do you decide who is abducted? "Your subject today needed more guidance, so we chose him for it"

11) Have I been abducted? "Yes, once, in East Grinstead in 1972, from a car, heading for Croydon" Could it have been 1982? "Yes, quite possibly 1982, we have problems converting to your time" Could it have been 1984, that was the first time I went there? "No, it was 1982" Who was I with? "A man was also abducted from the car, he was about 30 and had black curly hair and glasses called Sam or Zam/Zamm".

On reflection, I hadn't been to East Grinstead in 1982, I went with my father in 1984 and not to Croydon. But in 1982 I collected a friend from Gatwick airport, and the road home went through Croydon. At the time he was 20, not 30, but did have curly black hair and glasses and was called something like Sam or Zamm. His name was Jonathon, but his last name does actually almost have Sang in it! Though he had glasses, he rarely wore them and probably not on that day. Crawley is a few miles west of East Grinstead, and both have a road to Croydon. Were it not for this small detail the facts would have corresponded perfectly, as the subject had never met me till yesterday and I had to think for a while where I'd been 22 years ago. There were too many details to dismiss that. I was told I'd be abducted again soon, retain more memories and get some back from the first one when they chose to return them.

12) Why was I chosen for abduction? "I am gifted, they chose to use me, I am one of the most able of Earth volunteers"

I hope this is just the beginning of this particular project and will yield far more as I continue with it.

Everything and nothing

Prompted to write an update by a certain person (you know who you are!) I'll explain the current progress with Kendall, at least the bits that won't turn all faces red.
The date has now been set for the visit for August, a period of 9 months to wait. We spend hours a day on messenger, plus letters and phone calls, but not being able to touch her till August means the best part isn't here yet. So, as the title says, everything should happen in August (as Kendall is reliable, unlike the only other American I was scheduled to meet and turned out to belong in the LA equivalent of Broadmoor). But this means my life here is technically identical till then, and for me, anything that isn't going to happen within a few weeks doesn't really exist (unless it's something horrible, in which case I may panic about it), so my life carries on as lonely as it was before, though there is something ahead. How someone like me, who doesn't even like waiting a day for most things can so reliably find myself in situations where even something so good is denied due to circumstances appears to imply life is actually guided along the lines 'We'll show you everything you could have, then present your life in the exact opposite way to how you'd choose it, while doing the opposite for most people you know, so you can see it can be different, but not for you.'

Call this cynical, but looking over maybe the last 10 years nearly every aspect of my life has followed this pattern perfectly. The only high spots were 1) gaining my professional counselling qualification, only to find hardly any jobs available per qualified person (I applied for one job a month over a year or more, and got one interview). 2) meeting my last girlfriend only to have her in hospital after 7 weeks for the next 6 months.

Otherwise I have made my own efforts in ways that were realistic, for business and pleasure. The only thing I hadn't done was speed dating, purely because the only venues were in Central London, which is hard to get to from here, and meant half the people would live too far away. My attempts on the two fronts, work and women have been as thorough as possible, and when I met Kendall, I emailed her over a year ago having seen her picture and website to say how much I liked them. Little did I imagine that out of all the messages I'd sent that this would become the basis of a genuine relationship. I was also totally unaware of the obstacles immigration appear to put on visitors to the UK considering how many we actually have compared to the rest of Europe (ie most of them, and many not returning either). But if you enter officially, they virtually seem to require bail money and a reference from a member of the Lords before they let someone in. I hope my own enquiries will find this to be an exaggeration, and take some pressure of us. OK, that was the update, my 'pessimistic/realistic' side coming out in full (depending which way you see it) but I hope I will be able to give better news on the next update. But the good news is if we could meet tomorrow or next week, we'd both be ready for all the fireworks in Woolworths and would be a true week to remember for both of us.

London tourism

Having just commented on the difference between the enthusiasm of visiting London and the combination of ennui and avoiding the centre for people who actually live there on Funtrivia, I thought I'd reproduce it here as it sums up my attitude to living in what's really a small town that just happens to be 7 miles from a hell-hole that's the capital of England but few barely think about here, let alone visit very much. This was in response to an enthusiastic visitor from 200 miles away, and gave the prevailing local view.

'It's usually the same- as I read your post I was thinking those that actually live in a place tend to mainly circulate around the residential areas, do the tourist sites once or twice, and then return to the suburbs. And now with the congestion charge to drive into Central London, we're almost forced to whether we like it or not! It actually costs more now during weekdays to drive into London from just outside the centre and then park there for a couple of hours than it would to take a taxi. And the novelty wears off the public transport after about 16 years of waiting for buses, and I'm just glad no one referred to our Victorian underground train system...

I feel I'd far rather have grown up in a proper community outside London, and then been able to go in, enjoy what it has to offer and return to the provinces, than live here all my life and like most suburbanites hide in the greener parts for most of the year. You appreciate London so much more as a visitor than a resident from what I find of many people I know here. Oh dear, I hope I haven't poured cold water on the London experience, but this is just the insider view. And it reminds me of what I heard every time I was telling people where I was going when I first went to America- "Cleveland- what do you want to go there for??" "Toledo, what do you want to see there??" - I think it just shows people like exploring, and the grass tends to be greener anywhere you don't live!'

To which I'll add 'Saddam Hussein? what good did it do us in London getting him out of Iraq? Send the tanks in and get that bloody lunatic Ken Livingstone out of London before he f**ks it up for good'

Famous friends?

Having just got back in touch with someone I knew in the 70s (mainly through his older sister) I wondered if anyone else reading knew anyone growing up who later became famous? This was Toby Young, the journalist who has just broken into acting by playing himself in his autobiographical play after the previous actor dropped out.
I also went to school with the writer Will Self, who was the year below me, and stood head and shoulders above the 8 year olds in assembly, even then being taller than many of the teachers! He lived in the next road to me and I went there a couple of times, and it's great when I see him now on TV thinking of him when he was at school!

Otherwise, one school I went to had the children of many actors and celebs including two of the Beatle's children, but actually none (even with the helping hand of their relatives) except Rex Harrison's grandchildren went on to follow their parents in acting. If anyone reading knew anyone who became famous, please put it in the comment box.

Friends (not) reunited

Why oh why oh why...

Do people bother to join friends reunited if they don't bother to reply to old friends? I have decided to start a name and shame, and recommend everyone to add their own, to show up the people who did not reply to their emails.
Now I have manners, and I reply to every email I get from anyone I know, whatever I thought of them 30 years ago, if they have gone to the trouble to contact me. But even if I was a bit of a basket at school, who wasn't? Anyway, the odds of these guys reading their own names are the same as shooting a chosen victim in the crowd at Old Trafford, but if their friends or family see it, please tell them to come in and have a look, and leave a comment. I always say all apologies are accepted, and it'll get them off the list as well!

Anita McNaught
Jill Desborough (Brookland primary)
David Frean (Brookland primary)
Linda Adelson
Pauline Jamieson
Peter Joseph
Suzanne Abel
Simon Harrison (King Alfred)
Mafalda Spencer
Debby Sharp (Brookland primary)
Colette Tanner
Wendy Martyn
Amanda Harman-Smith
Charmaine Bradford (Brookland primary)

There were a lot more, but these were a particular disappointment.

London Bloggers

I've just joined London Bloggers

anorak city Arizona! And I'm number 6 in Kingsbury, amazing! Even includes pictures of Finchley Road, a site after my own heart. And at least it's theoretically possible to meet up with these guys instead of the usual distant separation I come across.

Filling space

Surprisingly, I've had little happening this week, and had to find yet more ways to amuse myself (pretty hard after spending much of the last 44 years doing so). Perils of being an only child really, teaches you how to make a little playground around you wherever you are, like doing this for instance.

Well, having reached Thursday night, a mass of trivial events have been created, from taking another video, phoning David Prever on LBC for the second time and not getting on, actually intending to complain about being an only child as I just did here. I also found a very nice Italian cafe which is hidden in a massive park and sports complex which I'll be visiting regularly in future. The good news is I've found my travelling mechanic is now doing building, so hopefully my kitchen is about to be replaced with a new one. Then my neighbour told me I can do my front garden with a strimmer, and had a spare one. It's 90% better in less than an hour! Otherwise I have started blitzing (selectively to begin with) newspapers with excerpts from my blog, and if I even get a rejection reply I'll be amazed. But I'm ready for a long haul but determined to get this writing business off the ground. I've also begun two more professional articles which will end up somewhere.

I've found a few friends this week with home or work net access, and maybe they'll soon turn up here or on Funtrivia. No one I know in 4 years has ever joined! And I thought it was addictive, well it is to the members, but it must take more than a computer to get hooked in. Well, I just thought I'd summarise this week so far, not bad but nothing clever. Just the north side of boring, compared to many just south previous to this.

More news

I can continue the story on Kendall here. It has reached a new level, but the part I hadn't said, which is the sole cause of the delay is she lives in America. That in itself makes life much harder than it would be, but the killer is the incredible restrictions on UK entry from there, who are supposed to be our closest allies. Any third world illegals can creep in the tunnel under cover of darkness and get 5 years grace before they may stand a chance of deportation. I know of an American who dared to stay with a friend she hadn't met before and was deported after 3 weeks. This proves the British are quite capable of regulating immigration, but choose to allow people from undeveloped nations over those from Western ones similar to our own. This implies an agenda, and the only one I can imagine is the majority of poor and third world people are more likely to vote Labour, and so once given citizenship will give the current government a better chance of returning to power. Secondly they are prepared to work on the black market, thus saving employers sticking to the minimum wage and keeping the economy going without having to pay much for it.

Having never needed to know this before, any conspiracy theories I've heard before saying the governments will do anything to stay in and socially engineer the world to that end are now becoming incredibly real, and now personal as well. Back to me, it's currently planned to meet Kendall here in the second half of 2005, and due to my own inhibitions will find it hard to get over there first on my own. Though I have travelled, I often found I missed being home a lot, and though it was fascinating to see everywhere, the effort often involved, combined with the disasters that did happen thousands of miles from home shone rather a negative light over distant travel afterwards. The day trip was one way round it, and after a few to France and Belgium, if I can get up in time to drive the hour or more to an airport and catch a plane in time to get back the same day, have a list of other places I can do a day trip to, as I very much want to keep going abroad somehow. Other holidays have failed to materialise simply because I ran out of people to go with, and felt if I went abroad for a week would end up looking round shops, reading and going on public transport which I can just as easily do at home. I couldn't watch TV or listen to the radio as it would all be 'in foreign' and if go alone would have no one to talk to all day. I haven't missed anything as the time I had free where I may have gone on holiday has been used for many other things, and plenty of day trips by car, mainly to the south coast, and many scattered football grounds that take all day to get to and home from. And since I've had my own house the garden could become a full time job in itself if I could be bothered, not to mention the rest of the house. The cleaner stops the fungus from taking over, but general tidying, filing and other housework is enough to fill enough of my spare time when I'm in. Of course (and I know who's reading this) it would be very nice having a woman to share all the jobs and the spare time as well!

favourite websites

To celebrate my discovery of the links button, here are some of my favourite sites: Funtrivia
My website
the answerbank
urban dictionary
Maharaji
Nick Roach, spiritual master #1