I'm in love!

Tatjana Blacher 

OK, technically I was in love- in 1968!

Let me explain...

My mum just went through a whole pile of holiday photos I possibly hadn't seen for 20-30 years, including Tatjana's father, the late composer Boris Blacher. The first Dartington Summer school of music we attended in 1968 (of 22 in a row for me, at least) was spent in a week in the next block from the Blacher family. Though I was only 8 (unless it was 1969) my 'love mechanism' was well turned on even then, and though it was a totally innocent friendship (like I knew anything else at the time...) she was truly amazing. She even invited me to spend the night with her, an experience I remember as if it was yesterday, and got me into a pile of trouble for disappearing without permission. I think I was on a bed right next to hers, and we were very close for the whole week. I'd completely forgotten about her as she was from Germany and I don't think ever returned while we were there again.

Anyway, of course the first thing I thought of doing was a google just in case. Her father of course raised a heap of musical entries, but when I tried her name (the 'j' in the middle appeared courtesy of the search feature) it turned out she was still in Berlin and a big time actress there! Of course she's aged a wee bit (a lot better than I have) but that's definitely her! There was a black and white picture as well which was far more like the girl I remembered, but I preferred to show her here in colour (it makes more of her hair). But what memories- amazing to think of some of the people we meet who could have led to so much more had they lived nearby, unless it is in fact all planned somehow. To keep the Harry Hill theme going, 'what are the chances of that happening?'. Pure nostalgia.

Trivia

I had a completely free day today from beginning to end, and managed to fill it all productively, which makes a bloody change. As the weather was so good I managed to stay outdoors for a while and stay off the bloody computer, and I'd also worked out a few things to do in advance yesterday to stop me from pissing the day away playing mahjong and making clever comments on a selection of forums.
The good news is they just removed the tumour from grandma's kidney, and she's recovering in hospital. Apart from that at 95 her health is still good and has more or less got over her recent fall which had her in hospital for a month as she couldn't get around.

So apart from that, the trivia was all I had today personally. I did some gardening, which where I live is never going to be enough as the back garden's on a corner (well, next to one) which means it doesn't back on to another house and goes on for miles till it meets another garden fence. It's been cleared of half the bushes the previous residents planted for 'privacy and seclusion', which also meant no light and the possibility of blocking access completely to the garage door and 3/4 of the garden beyond. But the stuff that's left has just made up for whatever I removed, and fills any space I cleared within a fairly short time. Though I tried gravelling one area, which reverted to grass within the year, I'd never concrete the lot over as it would then become a yard and I may as well be living on an estate with no garden at all.
I also painted my second of possibly many more Hampstead Garden Suburb roads, I already made an album of 6X4 photos I'd taken of it a while ago, and now pick out a nice one each time to copy in watercolour, and the first only took me a few hours. I'll scan the next one tomorrow once it's dried enough to finish the corrections, and then I'll bite the bullet and try and sell them to the gallery who started me off on the project to begin with as they have a pile of cards already of the area. I don't really mind if they take them or not, as I'm happy with them anyway, but a commercial outlet is always useful as well.

Other than that I had to stay in a good few hours to watch the Open golf on TV, the last bastion of public major sport on TV. I had to pay for Sky anyway as otherwise I'd miss everything else, but of course if you want to visit someone who hasn't got it it doesn't help if you want to watch it there, does it. As I spend a large slice of the week at family with the TV on, I'm aware how little actual use having Sky at home is as I'm sure most people watch half their TV elsewhere and have to rely on whatever their friends and family have chosen to pay for (or not, as in everyone I know bar one). A new cat arrived in my garden today, who I heard long before I saw as I heard a familiar bell ringing outside, only my cat Lucy had long since ditched her collar with one on. He looked exactly like Felix in the ads, and wondered if I'm now actually living near a celebrity, but after a few minutes sitting in the front garden minding his own business, Lucy, who had been watching him intently through the window, and I hoped she'd ignore, decided to leave the house and in minutes had sent him packing up the road at about 50 mph. So much for getting on with the neighbours...

Otherwise my social life is plagued by the evil of Platonism. Of course every man alive knows exactly what I mean by this. Talking to a female friend while barely concentrating on what they're saying compared to your fascination with what you'd like to be doing with their body. The cruellest mismatch of creation is the reliability with which women latch on to men for friends where the man is crazy about her and she has absolutely no interest in him physically or emotionally. It's almost a rule of nature it's so consistent. And of course you can no more make yourself fancy a man as a man can stop fancying you. It's chemical, not a mental decision. What a bloody farce. And the power trip they go on once they suss out how you feel, talking about how they really aren't interested and can't you keep your mind on higher things etc., rubbing it in even more. They actually seem to get more pleasure from this power than they would having sex anyway. Is it no coincidence that every woman I've ever met who thinks and acts like a man (ie let's do it for fun and then if we like each other could go out together) looks like one. I suppose it's the only way they've learnt to get it as if they just sat back and waited like the rest nothing would ever happen. But it doesn't even seem a learned reaction, these women just have no inhibitions. But unlike bad things, it's not catching. Like the feminists, most women believe, consciously or more often subconsciously they've got something valuable to protect, and will only share it with someone who has gone through the labours of Hercules.

Other than all that, I went to see the last day Harry Hill was filming yesterday, and discoverd he'd written the programme, hence his attention to the production side rather than performing, but the plus side was it did give me the chance to go and talk to him again, and he took me on set to watch a scene till a heavy moved me off again. John Thompson from The fast show (among others) was the only person I recognised in it, I was never particuarly impressed with him, and after sitting on the grass giving me a dirty look I said 'I'm your one man studio audience' (I was the only one watching at the time) in case he thought I might be a terrorist hanging around, which was returned with a look of complete revulsion. Unlike Mr Hill he was not a gentlemanly type, and did not apparently give a shit (or two?) about his public. The show itself was a pilot mickey take of East Enders, I have to say when it comes to these type of shows I far preferred Stella Street, but hopefully when I see it Harry's personal humour will show through and overcome the sheer horrendousness of East Enders whether it's the real thing or a funny version. I could never see anyone making a public execution funny, and would put East Enders on a similar level.

Well, that was all deliberately collected to be the blog equivalent of what's left on the floor of a budgie's cage. But at least I was pretty well occupied today in a productive way for a change, though apart from bumping into a neighbour for a few minutes didn't speak to another soul. That's not just Kingsbury, that's London. That's the only bit that's wrong about East Enders, there isn't a community spirit in London any more like that, and if you actually go to the East End, those sort of people haven't lived there for about 30 years, they now all live in and around Essex. But why worry about accuracy when they're only there to entertain... oh...

Problem-reaction-solution

Problem-reaction-solution

This is a quote from David Icke's books on one very tidy way a government could introduce otherwise horrendous laws in the name of security. The formula goes as follows:

1) The government want to introduce a law to repress the community, but would never get away with it.

2) If something awful happened the community would want new restrictions to stop it happening again, so 'someone' makes such an incident happen, and the people call for action.

3) The previously unthinkable law is introduced, with the full blessing of the community, as the government's unfortunate but unavoidable response to prevent such a disaster happening again.

Of course, though no one has yet provided any proof a government has done this (like they would get a chance...), it would be a very plausible method of allowing unscrupulous governments (do I really need to use the word for any specific ones or would it descibe them all?) to get through nasty oppressive laws for whatever reasons they feel it would help them (not us).

So when I read yesterday Charles Clarke is now planning to change the law to allow the government agencies to read all our emails and tap all our phone calls as a result of the London bombing it fit this formula perfectly.

Read all our emails? Such an infringement of human rights would have been unheard of before 911, let alone tapping every phone call, which virtually needs almost a judge in court to approve a single instance. Well, it used to. And now, suddenly, it's to be an open season.

Imagine in reverse, the government wanted to bring in this act for their own nasty reasons, and knew in normal circumstances they'd end up along with the National Front if they put it up as one of their official policies. So they do the usual, sound reasonable and promise many things they never intened to do (I won't try and prove that here, but many have before me), get voted in, and then have 5 years to make anything happen they have the resources to bring about. Don't ask me why they would do this, again, I leave that to the conspiracy theorists, but the wacky world of David Icke and others has just overlapped with my own reality and something has to be pointed out to tell people about it. Just thinking of my own emails and phone calls, I wouldn't ever be arrested but I could sure as hell be committed, and that's just me. What do you think they'd learn from yours?
But it sure put the shits up me seeing the almost instant response in the newspapers without a word of opposition, where a week ago such a policy would have led to a mutiny. They'll get away with this one 100%, and what if they had planned to bring it in before the recent election? Just an idea...

You got to have a system!

Any other fans in the UK or elsewhere would recognize this catch phrase instantly, which, in my opinion, combined with Harry Hill's other two, ('I don't make the rules' and 'What are the chances of that happening?') could possibly apply to virtually every situation in life.

The reason I say it is simple. Last week my grandma had a leaflet put through her door saying the great man would be filming on the village green opposite her house for three days this week. Having missed seeing him when the only show I went to was cancelled, I was even more interested in going to watch, as they'd turned the whole area into a film set for a new series. They filmed the same 2 minute scene at least 8 times over an hour, but he wasn't in it. As I couldn't see him, I asked a member of the crew if he was actually there, and he showed me a monitor where three people were covered with a black sheet to keep the light away, and one was him. After a while he emerged, and in between takes I asked someone if I could get an autograph, and he came over and actually spent about 5 minutes talking, as well as signing the title quote in my little book. Some celebrities are just like you'd expect, and he certainly was, what a nice bloke. I'll go and look tomorrow in case he's actually in whatever scenes they're filming.

Becoming a celebrity is one of my ambitions, as it always has been, and unless it ever happens meeting others is as close as I can get. As it is, the total cretins who produce celebrity reality shows have now replaced the real ones with their friends and ex-lovers, as in Alex Best, Abi Titmuss, Rebecca Loos, Fran Cotton,and all the other bunch of totally useless wankers who had absolutely no other qualification for being there, and technically none full stop. Maybe if I meet enough of them I may be seen with one and asked along myself- that's the way it works now and bugger the talent aspect. I didn't want celebrity based on nothing though, as I have been performing since I was at school, and had to forgo the Equity actors' union route when I did my degree, as I could only concentrate on one course at a time. But I can always do the stuff if needed to, I have done the odd musical cabaret ever since but I'd prefer comedy to music as the practice involved in advance as a solo pianist, as well as the boredom of finding things to play for two or three hours takes most of the fun out of it. I could also do or talk about counselling on TV, as others already do, except I haven't actually been out with the producer (or worse).

On a list of the people I'd still most like to meet, Harry was actually top (as I'd already seen Patrick Stewart, though I didn't actually go and talk to him) followed by Ben Elton who is now top of the unseen list, but who now spends a lot of his time in Australia. Others I did see long ago were Frankie Howerd, saw Monty Python live (from the highest seats, so they looked like ants), so now there could be Bruce Forsyth and Michael Caine left, though I doubt they'll be hanging around the streets of suburban London nowadays. David Baddiel wasn't particularly on my list though I do think he's bloody funny, but I met (well, sort of) him some time ago at a local party, and he looked so thoroughly depressed I didn't dare go near him. He spent the evening looking into the distance with a few friends and didn't see him talk to anyone. Actually it's quite funny that someone so totally and explicitly Jewish has teamed up with the most extreme 'goyim' you could ever come across- Rob Newman and Frank Skinner. Maybe he believes that, even though he has picked two extremely talented sidekicks regardless, the total contrast may work in their favour.

Now if I had been his partner in comedy, it would have virtually been like looking in a mirror. The two introspective neurotic social misfits with persecution complexes. Mind you, the Marx brothers (and the three Stooges for that matter) had ready made comedy teams as all were brothers, though neither exploited the Jewish side of their acts, though any insider would notice it. Seinfeld on the other hand had a full Jewish comedy quota but the TV company refused to allow any other characters to officially 'come out' as it wouldn't appeal to a wider audience'(bollocks!). In fact apart from Kramer every character was Jewish and played Jewish. Every Jew on earth who watched it never once questioned the fact, and I would have thought anyone familiar with Jews would have picked it up pretty soon as well. Quincy was played by a Jewish actor, Jack Klugman, but what I loved about that show was the writers made every character including Sam and the black cleaning ladies talk the same as well, as they didn't realise it wasn't normal. So you'd get Sam reply 'Quincy, give me a break already, you'll give me a haemorrhage!' and the cleaning lady say something like 'Oh yeah, you should have my problems', all directly translated from Yiddish grammar and unobservedly turned into the whole script regardless of the backgrounds of the characters. Traditionally Jews have been performers, and mainly comedians and musicians. It's in our souls, and if Seinfeld had been allowed to become an openly Jewish programme, it could well have been even bigger, starting a whole Jewish comedy movement, and probably attracting a number of potential converts (don't bother, we don't usually do them!). Maybe that could be my destiny. To team up with David Baddiel and put on a series of totally Jewish based humour -they did very well with Asian humour in Goodness gracious me- that is definitely an as yet untapped potential. And apart from the 'Going for an English' sketch, the funniest Goodness gracious me one was where the son had converted to being Jewish. He did as good a Woody Allen as is physically possible, and I now wonder how anyone not Jewish could have portrayed it so accurately. Maybe there's something we haven't been told...

Inner and outer worlds

The last couple of days have shown me in practice the message so many spiritual teachers give. Your happiness shouldn't depend on circumstances outside, but practising their teachings should gradually allow you to find your happiness regardless of whatever's going on outside.

Of course this process works all ways, depression happens despite circumstances improving, but it is interesting how sometimes a real disaster outside can stop before it hits your inner being. Technically we only interpret events outside to label them good or bad, based on our experiences of the past, when in fact they have no physical effect on us at all, so it should be possible to retrain ourselves not to be affected by them. Nick Roach's whole work is based on this principle, and yesterday it was demonstrated to me, when both my important areas, business and pleasure, had truly died and I was metaphorically shaking their ashes into the Welsh Harp reservoir. But after seeing a friend in the evening I felt fine. The outside events truly put themselves in the background where they were, replaced by what was happening in the present. Of course, once you've reached the level where you're connected with your inner peace all or most of the time this will be more or less unshakeable, with other emotions only being a minor ripple on the waves above.

I probably still have a million miles to go on my own level of awareness, but I use the tools I have to burn the rubbish inside as I'm told they can, and just thought I'd share one of the times I noticed I wasn't reacting to the outer circumstances. Ideally, the other things would help as well, I'm only human and no one wants to go bankrupt or be alone, but as one teacher I saw, Satyam Nadeen, became enlightened in a crowded prison cell, I'm a long way from that.

Dalek's door

dalek's door 

If you look to the green window in the top left corner, it is in fact a door. In their mysterious wisdom, the electricity board built a sub station in Sunnyhill Park Hendon with a door designed for the new breed of floating daleks to use, as nobody else is going to be able to.

Other people

As the crux of life is success in business and pleasure, I had already tied down the true cause to 'other people's decisions' (having established we usually do our best to start with). This means doing our best is buying the lottery ticket in life, and other people make the draw.

In my case, business was really dealt with some time ago (at my age it bloody well should be!) so all I'm concerned about besides the current aggravation is other people's decisions that affect my pleasure. I will add the spiritual dimension is another source of pleasure to me, but one that is an internal path I now have all the tools to follow whatever happens on it. So I just thought I'd spend a couple of hours I had this afternoon to spare going into the details of the recent people who had fucked up my life with their decisions, not to mince words or beat about the bush. This is more of a form of therapy for me than anything to entertain, but I hope as always at least someone will also like reading it. After all, life is the same for all of us and this is just another story about life, a one man big brother really.

So, there is a list of both the friends I already mentioned whose decision to leave the country has put me in a position I wasn't prepared for, and then of course the single women I occasionally meet who (besides a couple I 'road tested' till fed up with) according to my own philosophy, couldn't really have been suitable as they all blew me out.

I have two levels of standard for a partner (comes with the desperation after a certain age) as I mentioned, those in the top division who are more or less all marriage material (more than you'd think) and those in the league, who are last resorts while nothing in division one is available. I don't think these definitions are that far from what most people settle for in practice.

As described, since my 20s there is no 'regular place' to go and meet as there used to be. I spent the next few years solidly using agencies with no success beyond one phone message one where I replied to an ad. I met numerous women in that time though, but mainly older than me and none that seemed to want any more than a friendship with me. But at least I tried. Since then the places I've met them have been totally random, and I could never plan a strategy of where to go now, as it had no pattern to it. Far better is learning a strategy of what to actually do on the times I do meet someone I like so they don't evaporate as soon as I start my existing strategy (which did work in the past so can't be so bad).

The good reason I chose to write this was my little batch of eggs has just broken completely, an egg being any single woman I'm currently after. I know that I either get a woman almost immediately or not at all (don't know why) so if I don't get them after the first meeting or two, it's clearly a non-runner. It just gives me something to do. I'm really laying out their details for myself to see if there's a pattern, and while I do share it with the blog community for that is why they're here.

THE LIST

(amended to avoid identifying anyone)

I have met two women through my UFO community (yes, like Star Wars and train spotting there is a UFO community, made up of researchers and experiencers), but it was my professional interest they wanted, and as soon as the old cock woke up both fled in horror.

Family staff. Both my mother and now my grandma have had foreign cleaners/helpers at some time, and nearly all are both bloody nice looking, single, and frequently well-educated. I have tried two Poles and a possible friendship with a Brazilian, but she was the one who only wanted to convert me to Jesus. It's a pity as I know this is a very rich vein of supply from other friends I know, and I did manage a German au pair years ago, but she was in the 'Macclesfield Town' position, to use my usual football comparisons.

The gym: Apart from the fact no one ever talks while they're there, there is a very nice collection of women, but as I've reported few are single, and the others remain a mystery. The one blind date from there was not a success, as blind dates rarely would be. I still go for the reason I'm meant to, and if by any miracle the right woman turns up I'll be celebrating. If I've still got my teeth by then...

Others: I do occasionally meet people in the same line of work as me, and the last one who became a friend may have also been interesting for more, but she'd met someone long before I could find out. I still go to a couple of parties a year, and reply to ads online if they look really special but there's the lottery, even if I meet someone, they finish the job I started. OK, my theory is if it doesn't happen it wasn't right, but the results over the past few years seem to show more is buggering things up than that. I really don't know.

Global warming- you decide.

After taking over two years compiling the data rarely mentioned in all but a few newspapers, I've put it all together on my website, and copied it here as well. The fact that Britain's government now seem to believe 'climate change', as they now carefully put it, is the most important reason for policy making (read 'taxation at a phenomenal and otherwise unjustified level'), here are a list of scientifically gained facts and comments I have collected in one place.

Once you look around, there's actually no concensus on global warming, one reason they now prefer to call it climate change. This states a certainty. Yes, climate changes by its nature, but it's not actually news. And if there is a general warming up (a 50-50 chance over any point in history) is it man-made? Who can prove it? And finally, if you re-read any article saying global warming is real, see how many facts are quoted in the present? Hardly any, most, in fact, are placed outside our lifetimes.



Seas rising: The North Atlantic is rising, but the seas around Australia aren't, and the sea level round New Zealand is falling. When temperatures rose from 1900-1940, mean sea levels dropped, showing there is not an automatic correlation.

Ice caps are moving, not breaking up. For example, while the Larsen shelf in the Antarctic is breaking up, much of the rest of it is increasing. Between 1992 and 1997 numerous meterologists, geologists and other experts said global warming was based on theoretical models that weren't supported by existing records, and based on unproven theories and imperfect computer models. Carbon dioxide levels also aren't automatically related to temperature. From 1940-75 when levels increased, temperatures went down, and historically it increases after, not during periods of warming.

Rising overall temperatures since 1880 have mainly been due to the ending of a mini ice age, which would have to end with a warming. Prior to this, Europe was at least 2 degrees warmer in 1100, with no dire consequences. The official figure turns out to be 0.6 degrees. When history proves 2 whole degrees was not a problem. Sudden changes are normal in world climate. 11,000 years ago (no industry present) temperatures dropped by 10'C, and then rose between 7 and 15' in around 50 years. NASA is beginning to doubt original predictions. James Hansen says temperatures in the 21st century are now likely to rise by 0.7'C maximum, the same as the last century. Ian Joughin, from their jet propulsion laboratory and Slawek Tulaczyk from The University of California found, using satellite radar, West Antarctica has added about 27 billion tons of ice, and could indicate an actual reversal of the 10,000 year trend of glacier shrinkage (which is clearly then not a recent problem).

By measuring air temperature rather than sea, it has cooled over the past 20 years. The European Science and Environmental Forum has found the troposphere, which rises from the surface to 30,000 feet, has not warmed at all since 1979 according to satellite readings Prof Ole Humlum of the Norwegian research centre "The greatest jump in temperature was in the Twenties, since then they have been relatively stable'. The European Science and Environment Forum says since 1979 satellite measurements have not detected any significant warming in the troposphere. The UN official figure for temperature increase in the 20th century was 0.6'C, but they themselves predict a rise of around 2' for the 21st (ie facts followed by speculation, which is not scientific). However, James Hansen who was a major cause of the original theory at NASA 15 years ago now says that the warming in the 21st century is far more likely to be no more than 0.7C, which is normal. The air, if measured as a single factor from water, has actually got cooler over the last 2 decades. In the year 1200 Europe was 2'C warmer than it is now, and has since undergone a mini ice age which lasted from 1400 to almost 1900, and the small increase since is what it took to stop it becoming a major one.

Sir Ian Lloyd, Conservative MP 1964-92, describes the consensus of the 1989 Select committee on energy " What is disturbing is the reluctance of the political (and to a significant extent the scientific) community to accept that there is no consensus on the existence, let alone the causes of this phenomenon..." adding now in 2004 "This has not diminished.

Petrol vehicles account for 0.18% of all CO2 in the atmosphere, over 99% of the atmosphere altogether is unaffected by man's activities. Finally, the best current temperature measurements have been made by an independent Norwegian scientist Nils-Axel Morner, using a satellite. He doesn't seem to have a website, but a search on his name will turn up plenty of his findings, and those alone should have been sufficient to finish all the speculation for good.

Future blog

As well as my blogs from the past, I can also try some for ahead. I'll do two for 2015, one better and one worse case scenario.

POSITIVE

It looks like another ambition, to live in one of the houses like the one I grew up in is on its way. Following the regular spot as therapy expert on Channel 4 along with the associated articles, I've been able to save enough to get a bigger house. Though I managed to move back to the area some years ago, the house is half the size of the one I lived in, and with two children if I can stay in the same area to make more room rather than go downmarket again I will. I also believe they'd rather I spent the money on their house than private school when they're old enough, as apart from the improved scenery, I'm sure I'd have got the same results at the local state school.
It's 8 years since I got married, but well worth the wait as I got who I always would have chosen had I had the chance earlier. I didn't make any plan or effort to find her, I met her quite naturally locally and though it took ages to move from friendship to relationship, once we did it didn't take a lot more to reach engagement. The two children are now 7 and 5, going to my old primary school round the corner, and it's quite funny seeing a few parents I was at school woth, though actually most would have finished having their children there ten years ago or more as I took a bit (!) longer than most to get there.

I still spend some time online in my forums, there are still a couple there from the early 2000s when I started, and though many are abroad are as close as any friends I've got here and have met a few over the years when they've been here on holiday. My friends who moved to the States finally returned in 2007, after just over 5 years there. There were many times it looked permanent, but luckily (for me anyway) the pull of the homeland was strong enough to end in a return, and though their location is different, my routine still includes regular visits, and we still have the pool table up as well.

NEGATIVE

I've been at this game now blogging for over 10 years, and basically while many things around have changed my life seems to have been gathering dust and spider webs like an empty house. I haven't had a new girlfriend for five years, the last one was another couple of years of trying to squeeze the square peg into a round hole, by taking the best offer of the previous five years and trying to make the best of it. Of course it was far better than nothing, but looking for someone else throughout a two year relationship is hardly the way you'd want it.
I have relocated to my old area, but apart from nicer scenery and no hooligans except visiting ones, life hasn't changed regardless of where I am. I can now walk down to the same local shops and have tea in the selection of places that weren't there when I lived there the first time, but I actually know no one round here (not that I did many before) but they've long since moved on and it's near on impossible to befriend neighbours in the snottiest area in the world.

The TV programme was a success in its showing nine years ago, but seemed to be basically passed over by anyone important, and wasn't considered enough for any agent to take me on. I have something in the bag, but it wasn't the opening I hoped it could be. I get a little work helping out in a local shop as well as my few clients, but that's more or less it as far as income is concerned. My friends are still in Florida, they became pretty settled there and coming back wasn't on the cards. They come back every few years, but the weekly visits are now and only will be a distant memory. I have a few newer friends but no one that close or regular as I had in the past. I still paint from time to time, and just manage to sell a few now and then, though I'll never reach a standard of being worth very much. As for writing, it really seems everything people need to know has been written long ago, and whatever I had to offer was never going to be enough to persuade any organisation to invest in financially.

Sadly, any speculation in my psychic area came to nought as I suspected would be the case. Hidden aliens, free energy and similar areas either didn't exist, or have been so thoroughly covered up, either way they'll never come into the public domain, and apart from clairvoyance, have all but given up looking. Even the media seems to have concurred, having realised there's little new to report in programmes and the once fashionable TV and magazines on all things supernatural are now seen as a bit of a naff joke from the past. It promised everything, but only as a means of escape from the real world, and was only ever going to be a dream. I'm now firmly back in the material world, and am now using my creative side to pass the time, with art and music. Now I have broadband I can still spend hours perusing the same forums I was on years ago, at least I've given a few other people something continuous, as few others spend that long as a forum regular before moving on. I could be compared with the forum equivalent of Bruce Forsyth, Rolf Harris or Michael Caine, who in their 80s are just about the only performers who have always been around in my own lifetime. There must be a few members on the forums where I've been on since they joined 12 years ago! The only difference is the different London suburb in my profile!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I can hardly wait ten years to test which view of the two is closer, I suspect it'll be somewhere in the middle, though I'm sure I'm going to have to compromise on many areas, especially who I accept as a partner and how I earn my money. At my time in life there's little left to wait indefinitely for a division one (think 1980s football) candidate, and I'm now at a stage of being rejected by anyone even in the league, they seemed to have raised their standards in parallel with me dropping mine, so as I settle for less, the 'less' edge themselves out of my range as well, like an impossible puzzle. Technically this can't last for ever, I've managed it in the past and it was sabotaged by other circumstances than rejection. I just had many more tries then than I do now.
As for work, it's partially up to how much I feel I can force myself to suffer. Any media work is really like playing roulette, for every thousand with the ability only a few ever make it, and not having any connections means I can only go it alone which without an Oxbridge/acting school/similar background is almost like trying to become the US president.

If I go back ten years, the actual reality was almost identical to the negative view, in fact from a fairly neutral position in 1995 where I still had a regular job and friends (though only partly qualified), I had enough to keep me busy. I bought my current house nearly ten years ago, and technically far less has changed in ten years than hasn't, implying this is far more likely in 2015. Without an input of change from outside, things will be the same, and the last ten years crept past with me hardly noticing. Therefore maybe the next ten will do the same, I'll be carrying on as normal, and just realise, blimey, it's already 2015 and nothing's happened. Very likely and totally possible.

Nostalgia

As my blog was only here in my 40s, I wondered what I'd have done had it been around all my life. Here are three possible entries from the last three decades.

1995

Work in the shop is the same as usual (since 1992), the customers are still rude, treat me like a moron, and want stuff at cost price. It still pays the bills and is a lot easier than most others I've done so I will put up with it and at least know I'm actually qualified to do a lot more than that if I ever had to. Otherwise I'm collecting the last knockings available of the old Edmondson card train tickets British Rail took out of regular use in 1988. Apart from the Isle of Wight Ferry the only ones elsewhere are handwritten free passes, but at least I can still drive around the country as I always have searching for them.

1985

I just started teaching law three afternoons a week in a private college. Nearly everyone in the class is called Patel, but at least everyone's reasonably well behaved, and the mature Nigerian students help keep them all in line as they're paying their own fees and don't want to be interrupted. They might turn up in Mercedes compared to my old Triumph Dolomite, but at least I'm the one doing the teaching. I've also joined a few agencies, and travel around coaching law students, and have discovered the plethora of Indian snacks, especially their spiced tea, masala chai, which does far more with tea than we ever do here.

Having dumped the series of last-resort girlfriends I was thrown together with during my degree as I didn't have the time to look properly, I've discovered now I am free to look all the nice ones became paired off while I was otherwise engaged, and now I'm going to have to find other ways to meet them. I am seeing a perfect looking woman who I see as more of a friend while she isn't seeing anyone, but has very little to say for herself. I've never seen anyone more exactly what I would call what I like the best, but in the action department she isn't prepared to offer very much in the way of material, though anything is a thousand times better with her than everything with many others. But I'm going to have to look at some new places to meet them now, including replying to adverts. Now I've got the time I want to be able to make the best of it.

1986 PS

Having discovered only upper second degrees get grants/research offers, I'd been given the options of either a full time degree in Hull or Cardiff (blimey!) at a massive cost plus a year's rent on top of that, or study two evenings a week at the old Polytechnic locally. As I had already started a reasonable job I took the cheap option but my health packed up after a couple of months at it, and have now started my first interest, counselling, one morning a week which fits into my work schedule a lot better. It was what I wanted to do since secondary school, so though the masters degree is now off the agenda at least I'll be able to do something I'd been doing for friends, and quite successfully, for years.

1975

The majority of life is concentrated at weekends, having recently discovered discos. As well as joining a couple of new youth clubs, I go to every disco advertised, and every so often get quite lucky. The highlight was our youth club disco, where I had danced with and then had 6 girls walk away and I'd run out of material by 9.30. I went to the loo and when I came out someone new had just arrived, who was better than any of them. She did NOT walk away after a dance or two, and she is exactly the best and most suitable one I've ever met. After a month apart while I was on holiday, we had our second set of two weeks of seeing each other, where I discovered her mind is actually equal to her looks, and there is nothing at all wrong with her. BUT after taking her to my grandma's new house, across the fields from where she lives, we got back late and this was the excuse her mother had been looking for to make her stop seeing me. Game over. Back to the discos. The new O level marks were allocated for my first go at them, and it took days to realise I'd failed all but one as I didn't understand the new grades. So apart from English language I took early I still only have two! Luckily they were all taken a year early anyway so it wasn't any great loss and I'll do them all again in January.

PS 1976

Resits in January yielded a total of six O levels, I left school and returned for 2 weeks in June to retake physics, which totalled seven altogether when I passed it (just!).

Back to 2005

Once I'd reached the end, I was almost writing in the present, I was really back there. Maybe I should base most of my blogs in the past, and then I can also only select the good bits...

Nobody reunited

I think the title says it all, the now annual school reunion was pretty poorly attended, with only around 100, which included one person I knew and two teachers. I do know at least one was at the Live8 concert instead, as Jonathon Ross was presenting it for BBC and he often turns up with his wife, Jane Goldman, who also went there. I had to name drop there, as I rarely get a chance, not that I ever spoke to him but he did appear dancing in my video one year. He's a tall bugger, almost a foot taller than me, but that doesn't actually take that much.

Well, this one was a mixed affair, as though I barely knew a soul, all the rooms were open and I saw every room I used over 30 years ago, some of which hadn't been opened to old pupils since I was there. Apart from demolishing our prefab classrooms all the other work has been added above the old buildings, so the science and music rooms were identical, and the old workbench was still in the woodwork shop (now called CDT). So it did give me the chance to get back in touch with the only school of seven regular ones (if you include 6th form colleges) I actually liked going to. Whether many people were at Live8 or just bored with hanging around a few people they never spoke to while they were at school is uncertain, but at least the food now is always good and it wasn't raining.

Apart from the energy work, everything is pretty well dead around me, it's the first time since I was 17 I'm earning absolutely nothing (once you deduct my work expenses) and it's going to basically take a miracle to change this. The details are too complex to relate here, but at least I don't believe money is nearly as important as many other things in life, and out of all our assets is the easiest to control, unlike other people. In this case it's other people who are responsible for my financial situation, which is why it's been made as tough as it could possibly be to remedy it, but as I said, it's not a major worry, just one more nail in the coffin of dark clouds around me generally.

I still like reading about miracles, angels and the like for inspiration, but the actual chaos in events could only mean I am able to create my reality (with or without angelic help) but don't know how, or it's just as it seems with no higher aspects at all. The unbelievable coincidences I've experienced point to the first view, but I still don't like the idea we have to suffer to grow, and the more we overcome the more points we score. If I created the system I'd say that people could learn in nice surroundings and enjoy it, rather than have to become immune to stress from suffering more and more. I can go in a complete circle and compare it with all my various schools. The Dickensian regime of my prep/public school put me through 3 years of hell, whereas two subsequent were more like a holiday, and I still did what I needed to there, there was never any need to make it into an ordeal as well.

Another week

This is becoming a little ritual now for me, nothing to do, write a blog. Originally I waited for something to report but now it's a form of relaxation, a little refuge where I open the box and see what happens. I literally have no idea what I'm about to write now, so any criticism can be sent in the usual ways.

Well, another week does really point to a review of what was a pretty free week from Monday onwards. Apart from work ups and downs I'd like to go into, but the nature of the profession is too sensitive to discuss, it was pretty average except one innovation I'll mention in a minute.
I saw a couple of friends, did the garden, went for a walk around the Welsh Harp reservoir near me, which actually has spots where you can't see any buildings, only the water and trees. They've done a lot of work making a new path and improving the landscape on one side, and there are few places any better than that to look at.

The highlight was an energy treatment I received on Tuesday night, not the first I've had generally, but never Chi Gong, which had been more or less the final method on my list that I wanted to try, but only got round to when I saw it offered online from a distance. Having had little or no results from the selection in the past I had no expectations, but when I lay down for the 10 minute session, bang!, the energy came in, moved around for about 20 minutes, and then returned on and off the rest of the night. It was something real, not created by my imagination. I have been told since this is part of me now, and I can always feel it at will, which has more or less been the case since Tuesday. That is a gift I didn't expect, and by this time in my life hardly believed in. Now I know this is real, and possible to transmit regardless of physical distances. The few experiences I've had before from meditation were also pretty amazing, but didn't last. Like drugs, peak experiences are wonderful while they're happening, but once they stop and stay away leave you little better off afterwards. This is quite different. I've got this inside me and I can feel it. Science, as far as I'm concerned, can be rewritten, and one doubt in my mind from before is now gone. Practically life goes on, shit still happens, and aggravation is still real to me, so far. But I will learn this energy, and see how I can let it work to help me with all these aspects if it can, but will still be quite happy with it just as it is now.

School reunion tomorrow, I've been to nearly all since the first in 1986, but after last year's semi-funereal show, where sad to admit everyone was mainly 30 years or so older than me or just left school, and I only spoke two a couple of people I remembered who had to struggle to do so. At least this one's free and if it's crap I haven't wasted too much time or money over it. I suppose after nearly 20 years more or less anyone who wants to go will have already, and I haven't got back with one old friend after seeing them there since the first. In fact, though some were exactly the same 30 years on, others were either totally boring after being close friends, others were thick arses or wallies at school and really interesting now. But no new friendships, they have their wives and crocodile of kids bouncing around them, and I'm a curiosity from a museum who they may like to look at for a few minutes and then go back to their current lives. Last year I put 4 people on my 'Want to hear from' list, and quickly heard from one who'd just subscribed that week, and sent me an email from America. I knew she'd gone there, wasn't 100% sure if she'd stayed, but was over the moon to hear from her. I had a number of favourites there, and she was one of the top few. She has improved as well, as she used to be a quiet little mouse (though a very nice one) and is far from that now, her personality has truly come out. She may be taken (not for the first time, she's already divorced) but had she lived back in London I'd have hoped to keep up with her. So, I'm expecting sod all tomorrow, I don't even want to go but it's only once a year and if I don't who knows who may be there? Report to follow of course, and though I'm pleased with the (temporary?) lull in rude replies, I've only had about one proper comment for over a month, so I'm not even sure if I'm now talking to myself. Well, I still continue, it's not often I find something any more that fills my attention, so this is what I will do.

Any London bloggers want a party, just shout!

At the gym

weightlifting 

This is what I do three times a week at the gym, my friend turned up with a camera so now everyone can see.

Barbecue Weekend

Barbecue 1 


Barbecue2 

Following last weekend's series of barbecues, here are a couple of pictures. I'm in the same place in both, only distinguishable by the change of clothes.

Soap opera

The way soaps are written is all the interesting bits of life are strung together and made to cover the whole time, whereas in real life it just carries on normally with the odd interesting bit. The reason I'm saying this is because blogs are another form of soap, but more like reality tv. Unless, like big brother, you deliberately make things happen, it reflects the real stuff which is mainly boring and repetitive, so that's why I tend to go off on any tangent that takes me as there's little about life here to keep a blog going full stop. The art, I suppose, is to try and take whatever you do have and make it as interesting as possible. Of course like every book or tv programme ever written that's going to have a large element of personal taste, but still really needs to be at a minimum level if you expect anyone to actually want to bother reading it very often.

So, the process is normally trying to find interest in the little things, and Kingsbury is a veritable mine of little things, and fuck all else to be honest. Let's see. We have two shopping centres (one some distance away from here), plus one in West Hendon for the hardened bargain hunters (yes, that includes me,)- don't bother about pissing off to France for the day, you could probably make a list and use all the pound shops in West Hendon Broadway, and save more than you ever would in Calais once you'd allowed for the travel savings as well.
The parks I have to say are the business, one reason I live here. I'm surrounded by them on three sides, plus a reservoir and woods, and there's also a garden centre I was at today which has enough to spend an afternoon virtually, since it's added a few extra shops and a cafe and is almost over the road except for the fence which means a long walk round the park to get to it.

When I lived here in the early 60s it was a different community altogether, I was in and out of the neighbours all the time, and everyone in the shops knew your name and vice versa. Actually a fair percentage of the shops were still here thirty years later when I returned, though the people had changed, though I discovered one man in the electrical shop was the boy who used to shout out 'papers!' every evening when we lived here the first time.

Apart from the district, my routine is so bloody predictable that if I included more I'd kill everyone with boredom after a few entries, except a few East Enders viewers who clearly get pleasure from watching televisual manure. My work is self employed and very erratic, since I lost my real job many years ago. The time since was used (among other things) to study up to a level where I could get a proper professional job. The good news was it was a success academically, but the job market in the counselling profession is similar to car mechanics in 1910. The work is required, but the market is so small and specialised the fact that in 2005 every college from Neasden school of community care (fictional) to Oxford and Cambridge (genuine) are running counselling courses, creating thousands of barely employable people. Being (I will be honest) both a very interesting and a bloody easy option, it's flooded by middle class professionals who already in many cases have a fucking good job, and then requalify (usually funded by their local authorities,) where I (or my family) had to pay for myself. They then get a shoe-in from their existing employers, and the few independent students like me are left to apply for the jobs that need to be advertised, but not actually given to, the general public.
Doctors (now no longer given the power to employ us any more) used to pick their friends and refer every patient to a few elite professionals, leaving everyone else locally to fight for the remainder. Now health authorities decide whether counsellors will be assigned to a doctor's practice (don't ask me how), and there are now very few compared to the few years since 1989 when they could choose to employ them directly.

So that's my employment. Till early 2002 my social life was more and more at one friend I'd know for 30 years, and then he upped and moved to America, and I realised I'd stopped seeing all the others and hadn't even noticed it. Soon after I met a girlfriend I was pretty serious about, so after 7 weeks she went down with depression and spent half of the next two years in hospital with no visitors. It was never the same after that though I carried on seeing her up till recently. There was no reason to gossip about her at the time, and not really fair either. The rest of the time is a regular family timetable. Mother, father (separately) and my now famous 95 year old grandma Lily, who would make one of the best ever big brother housemates as well as being far more like Hyacinth Bucket (Bouqet) than any fictional version (she said it before we ever did). There's no other family except my Aunty, who married my late uncle. No brothers, sisters or cousins, only the cat Lucy. I'm not moaning, just laying out the material available to make a blog, and why it has to be taken way way beyond everyday life here.

Of course I have the usual ambitions, the media one being the most talked about on the work side (though it's really for pleasure, the money would be a bonus), and the wish for a girlfriend I actually want to spend all my time with and vice versa. My psychic research has been able to have all the time it needed as well since losing my job, and of course will be the best key to open the media door following the work I've done over the last 15 years in it. Meanwhile I get on the computer and converse with all the intelligent and decent guys around the world who are like the best friends I have here, but further away.

Finally I just saw a small slice of my past on BBC4 last night (don't ask, not many people will have watched it), where Toby Young spoke about his magazine's rise and fall, the Modern Review, and included as a writer the other media success I knew in childhood, Will Self.
Of the two, I knew Toby far more, though I was at school with Will for three years, but two years ahead. But though they both share the profession of writers, and went to Oxford and Cambridge respectively, I didn't actually know they'd worked together though it's what I'd have expected. I hadn't seen either for years, in fact 1972 in Will's case, and I'm sure he won't know me from Adam though I did go to his house a couple of times. So for a moment I almost felt part of something as I saw two old friends on TV together talking about old times. There may be no communities left in London now, but somehow there was a little community last night on TV made up of a little of my past.

Elimination

No, this post isn't about going to the lavatory, it's an unfortunate reference to women from my enquiries. The only good part is there's one left.

There were four to start with, one was taken but from many of the women I know that's not always that important. That was the one I compared to Rose in Dr Who. Well she has just passed a new landmark in her relationship that definitely puts her off limits, not that she was ever really on, but now any fantasy is ended 100%. The second one was the receiver of a speculative email after serially ignoring me for months. There was no obvious reason why a regular communication should suddenly end for no apparent reason (is there ever with women?) and in a few cases it's a completely unrelated reason, but in this case it was clearly personal. The third was a better bet until Jesus Christ the saviour came into the picture. Sorry, no one can compete with such an adversary unless they accept them in their own heart first. Well unless Jesus accepts my open invitation to enter my heart at any time she won't be touching me with a barge pole either, though I'd still welcome Jesus regardless by the spaced-out smiles of those who already have him in their hearts (whatever that means...).

So now it's my platonic friend (not my choice of course). Turned me down already, which increases the odds to about a million to one, but at least she's real compared to the ghost three who wouldn't make an arrangement with me unless I tied a £50 note to my cock and waved it in their faces. The activity chasing keeps me busy, but has no profit to show in my sexual account.

That's about it for the weekend, my inbox is dramatically empty, including all voicemails, and I'd like a female opinion or two if it's really me now- I'll never be a paranoid type but I can see how it can develop now if the same things keep happening for long enough.

Dreaming

Time on my hands, so more time to blog but less to report. Typical catch 22 situation, the exact reason I'm so prone to going off at tangents, as if I was to stick to everyday life to fill out these pages I'd have turned off far more people than the few here I clearly have. But looking at all the other linked blogs around (either by interest or location) they're just a reflection in the variation of people in general, except they all have the internet in common as a hobby, which I've found sets us apart from most.

So as this was never meant to be a literary project I can't apologise for whatever I write, or plan any of it in advance as it's a stream of consciousness. One few of us could present in a one sided conversation, and if we wrote it anywhere else would never be read. So petty minded wankers who horn in on others areas just to make the sort of comments I last heard in primary school from individuals who are probably now in prison are not justified in taking advantage of the chance to have an unopposed pop at anyone they feel like having a go at. I'd like to see them dare to come out with just one comment like that to someone in person, they'd be spread across the opposite wall in most cases so they never would.

Back to today. I do wonder how easy it is for the people we write about to identify themselves if they read it, and then become offended? It turned out the first person I highlighted here hadn't read it, and wasn't even offended, I was just worried she may have been. Then when I moved onto a second person my attention was focused on for a while, I expect had she read the highly complimentary things I'd written about her she'd probably be like most Brits and go red and run away. Well, run away she did, but she didn't know I had a website, so it was clearly one of the million possible other reasons women run away from me. The third woman is half my age (or younger), has a boyfriend, a totally different background from me, but in reality still has more about her that attracts me than many who appear suitable on paper. Woody Allen makes a career of seducing much younger and less 'priviliged' females, there is something of the father figure that turns on a few more daring women who are less satisfied with men of their own age and would like to learn from someone far more experienced. OK, Woody Allen's a star and worth billions, as was Dudley Moore who admittedly had so much talent women would always have been interested in him. But look at some of the models he pulled, thirty years younger and almost a foot taller. Not to mention Rod Stewart...

So, putting the pieces together, if I was on TV, rich, famous and probably married (being unavailable is always one of the biggest turn-ons for women) this one or a similar one may even leave their outgrown boyfriend and give me a try. There ends my dream of the day. I will say that despite the reality is she is a lovely girl I think a lot of, we'll never be more than passing aquaintances with a couple of similar interests. Books and films are fantasies, and the stories don't happen in the real world unless the man is a star of some description.

My 'arranged marriage' formula is always on the back burner though, meaning I'd be prepared to jump into marriage with any woman I know on the 'approval list'. I have learnt that even the ones you know for months or more usually turn out to have annoying traits as well, I can only think of one off the top of my head who probably never would, but basically every woman I can think of would probably get on my nerves sometimes eventually. Not knowing much about someone, therefore, is no reason things would go wrong as if the basic elements are there it has a good foundation. Speed dating will probably allow many more people to learn how to pick the important qualities they need quickly like I do, and may cut many corners in long and winding dating routes as a result. I meet people from time to time who tested this with great success, with long marriages behind them to prove it. It's about spotting if you fit, and this is far less about discovering things gradually, but knowing what you're looking for and being able to recognise it easily. I was taught by an expert partially to be able to do this, which is why I'm passing it on here. Younger people have the privilege of time to let things take their course in whatever time it takes, but over 40 or so you ought to know yourself well enough to cut out much of the game playing and commit as soon as you want to.

If I had no shame at all I'd love to name and describe everyone on my list now. Maybe having a specific website for every single person to name every person they are interested in, where other singles can look by name, and then if they're on someone's list they can either run a mile (as mine do) or go for it. As most people are too shy or embarrassed to pursue others directly, and often there isn't always an opportunity, such a site would break every rule of current etiquette, but may also be responsible for a few decent relationships. Just a thought, remember today's theme is dreaming and these are mine. Could be bollocks but at least I like them.

Decent weather

Wow, the heat's lasted a whole week! I think if we normally had weather like this far fewer people would go abroad for holidays as so many say that's the only reason they go- the actual places are nothing special in many cases, and maybe they'd make better and cheaper hotels here if everyone wanted to stay here instead. Ours are both among the world's most expensive, and certainly the seaside hotels are the worst I've ever been to. Even a crummy backstreet dive in France, when our usual place was full, is like a top guest house in Kensington or Chelsea which would charge an arm and a leg. As for America, besides charging the sort of prices you'd expect more in India or Thailand, their basic motels are like our six star palaces (I believe a couple exist) and their five star hotels are what most people would expect from the description had they not gone there, but if went in England would find a Victorian villa with equivalent plumbing and decoration or a glorified holiday camp, only managing the stars due to the facilities and not the surroundings.

These American places (I've been to quite a few so I know it's the norm) have heated pools, games rooms, fantastic rooms and 24 hour restaurants. Our dumps have mealtimes, usually up to 2 hours per meal, with very rare facilities for those who arrive outside those hours. I have seen our motels in cities improve, but are made for businessmen, and few are in places anyone would actually go for a holiday. If you go to an English resort it's the one place you can step back in time, not to nostalgia, but the middle ages. You almost expect people to call 'gardez loo!'out in the streets, heavy on either side with vast Victorian edifices, where at least twenty years ago many bedrooms still had chamber pots under the bed and one actual bathroom per corridor. If Hitler or John Prescott (the two names fit together incredibly well actually) had bombed the holiday resorts instead of Coventry and Plymouth, it may have been possible to build some of the modern blocks you find just about everywhere else abroad but only in cities over here. Nobody's going to sunbathe outside the Holiday Inn in Brent Cross, or the new Travelodge in Edgware High Street however nice the actual buildings are inside. Having said that, in America they build top resort hotels everywhere. The best I ever stayed in was the Washington Hilton.


Washington Hilton 

Of course the June weather was just like it is now, in the 80s and sunny, but the pool and garden area, set right in the middle of America's capital, could have been in the best part of any rich city on earth. It was impossible to tell you were even in a city, the gardens covered up all outside views, and DC has no tall buildings anyway, all planned and designed to look like a serious capital should (compare the shithole they call the City of London, worth billions and almost unchanged in 600 years). I can just imagine contracting lung cancer in a three day holiday opposite the Bank of England (If such a hotel existed). So unfortunately the usual weather and facilities from one end of this country to the other mean it tends to be a far better bet to piss off to some sterile, mass produced concrete jungle on the Med, surrounded by the sort of people that get on Big Brother and worse, barely a word of English spoken otherwise, and germs literally to die for... It's no wonder I stopped bothering to go some years ago. The choices just weren't there either way. But I'm on holiday now, in and around Kingsbury. All I need is the pool and games room, and a few people to play table tennis with and it would be perfect.

Assorted dross

A fairly busy weekend for a change, mainly due to it being the annual barbecue season, two in as many days, plenty of people I knew but alas no single women... I did get a promise by one person to ask around on my behalf, if enough people look one may unearth someone to meet eventually.

My friends from last week's news of course are now back in Florida after a short stay in Finchley, and the official line is it's a permanent move. As the future isn't actually written in stone I won't give up all hope quite yet.

Otherwise it's all little bits and pieces. I've been spreading the enlightenment word in the gym, as a couple of people there were already on that path and were very pleased to get my pointers to new teaching, and my only wish now is not only is the teachers' enlightenment a true state, but the practices I use do lead to it somehow. I have stopped looking though, I've found a method I'm happy with and I won't be searching any more.

Filming is going well on the TV programme, they really got well into the alien abduction scenario, they've been adding scenes to the original reconstruction all month so my part really appears to have been a success. I've started painting again after buying some cards of the area I used to live, and discovering there weren't any of the part I lived in. Here's my offering to fix that.


Hampstead Garden Suburb 


It's been hot here for the last few days, it's my preferred climate so I'm only too happy summer's here at last. No outdoor pools or beaches for miles, so the garden will probably have to do for now...
So currently it's pretty quiet, whether anything I've done recently will lead to any results remains to be seen. I know if records were kept 99.9% of all attempts or starts made on any project evaporate, and usually if anything major does happen it's not from anything I've done but out of the blue from an outside source.

Friday 1.50 am

I wonder what could have influenced the title today (hint, it's Big Brother time again...). Yes, well. Very little to report from Kingsbury today, I will say I discovered the child who posted shit on here was actually someone different from the regular person, so I apologise for accusing the usual person. I'm quite happy to admit if I make a mistake. The person who did undoubtedly copy the previous one (it was only their previous comments rehashed, hence the confusion on my part) is no doubt of the same mentality of reading the papers in order to recreate the most original mugging they come across as well. Never mind, I can live with that.

Anyway, I seem to be getting a point at least as I said before. I was becoming one of the least tolerant people of stress in the bloody universe, and something had to happen to teach me to handle it as it wasn't going to go away on its own. And one thing the merry troll did get right (it wasn't difficult to discover it really) was tablets have been my best (and only) defence to it in the past. In fact many of the nicest people I know have been on the same or similar ones to me, so judging people just because they can't handle some of the hellish aspects of life is pretty sad, especially as it's the very people who judge that are actually responsible for many of the hellish conditions. For example, Charlie Wolf on Talk Sport is a reasonably decent and intelligent person, but his culture (American) and personality (workaholic) have combined to make some of his views (considering he preaches a few days a week on national radio) pretty dangerous. He seems to believe people who are only prepared to work 9 to 5 are wimps. Well, if he did his maths and looked at history he'd realise people do the sort of hours he thinks are right is either because their employers force them to (yes, they still do despite an attempt to rein it in by Europe) or they work for themselves and are bloody greedy, which is their own choice, but I'm sure (just as I did) their children suffer. And when we had the three day week production was at it's most efficient as people didn't need to piss around half the time to fill in the long hours and break the utter boredom. That's just the first example I could think of, but primitive attitudes tend to collect together, so this goes with anger, revenge, hate and all the other unnecessary crap people have as children that can be trained out of them in most cases, as proved by Buddhists for a start.

Having a record to compare with I can state that all these attributes are needless, and only make your life worse if you have them in it. It makes those around you's life worse, but ultimately your own, as anyone decent they know will eventually drop them, and hopefully eventually they'll come across someone just like them but worse (eg school bullies) who will do exactly to them what they do to others, but more professionally. Luckily these people are a minority really, but make so much noise and disturbance it's like a tornado, rare but disastrous when it hits you. I never believed I'd be going on the internet to teach adults manners like three year olds, but when they continually behave like that, then I may as well pass on what I have to say about it. I know I may waffle like an idiot here at times, I explained half the point is for my own benefit to let it out- living alone I have little opportunity to vent gradually as most people do, so it just all comes out here periodically (as with many others). But anyone who doesn't like it and uses the easy chance to be rude to a complete stranger because they can get away with it is so pathetic it speaks for itself.

I read dire stuff on the net every week, as we all do who frequent this territory, but if it's that bad I either avoid it in future or more frequently find it pretty entertaining and come back. But anyone who uses the loophole of a free insult to let it all hang out needs far more therapy and probably psychiatric treatment than I ever will. And a whacking big kick up the arse. At least.

Fitting together?

Possibly, just possibly, there is a pattern in everything that's happening around me. Basically I've discovered I'm far too sensitive to literally everything. So what's been happening? Little events have been repeating themselves until I react to each type differently. I needed it.

I had various fears of consequences, physical attacks and similar, other disasters which are in fact very unlikely but my mind came to expect the worst, and it was time I dumped as much of it as possible. I am now noticing when one comes in and training myself to react differently to each, until it both becomes a habit, and hopefully covers it all without any exceptions.

I have felt I had a lot to lose in the past, but technically I appear to have got this far, clearly what I fear has rarely come into my reality, and when it has was rarely close to what I expected. So I have just realised there was a point to it all, and have shifted as a result of getting that point.

I have read these events are actually designed to teach us rather than just be the wasps at the picnic with no function but to aggravate as they seem on the surface. The main spiritual teachers go a step further by saying it's all a dream and like a dream, it's all me, nothing else. If you realise you're dreaming while asleep you may not wake up, but instantly realise nothing's real, there's nowhere really to go and no one else there as it's all taking place in your own consciousness. Well the spiritual (for want of a better word) view is this waking life is the same. Therefore every coincidence and awareness of things we shouldn't expect to be aware of make sense if we view it as a script written by ourselves, only to forget we wrote it until we start picking up the clues when the time to wake up grows nearer. Whether we write a teacher into the dream to appear to tell us to wake up, as many do, or find it out in other ways, once we've used up the unconscious dream the time comes to move on to the full awareness of our true nature as the 'big I', ie everything.

Of course, by accepting this, I also accept I'm only writing this to myself, but until we wake up I have to stay in the dream whether I'm aware it's a dream or not. So though, if enlightened I'd realise there was no one else out there to know, somehow it's still part of the plan to awaken more apparent others out there as that's how the system works. It's beyond the mind's logic here, but this teaching transcends anything the mind can handle, but somehow rings true at a deeper level. It's been said almost unanimously by teachers for thousands of years, and why would such a consistent point be made by so many if it was wrong?

As I have no experience of this state of unity myself, I am only repeating what I've learnt from teachers I consider honest and sincere, and have no reason to fabricate any of this. They often have these experiences prior to any learning, and have to go and search for an explanation after something's happened rather than just being given an inspiring idea and becoming it through suggestion. But events such as the coincidences, followed by the chances for personal growth I've been given recently do imply a much different story to life than the one science offers. And anyone who question how you can create a dream as complex as life, what about some of the experiences you call actual dreams? Would you believe you could create those scenarios and experiences had you not just lived through them while asleep? Certainly not in my own case.

Is it me?

Well, things don't stay frozen for ever, my friend Peter who left for the States over 3 years ago is finally back for a short visit, and I saw him for the first time on Wednesday, after regular visits to see him for many of the previous 30 years before he left.

Apart from that, I have been wondering, particularly after discussing stress on a new forum where they let you speak freely, whether my clearly unhealthy mental condition is more from the outside circumstances than just my own genetic malformations. Clues are that I did used to be pretty happy most of the time in the past, unless there was a good reason not to be. And when I was presented with a few months off between exams when everyone else was still working I did get pretty fed up as well. I suspect isolation could be one of the worst factors in causing stress symptoms, and unlike overwork where (except for the financial repercussions) you can just cut down or bail out altogether, isolation means chasing around hoping to find social activities that are an improvement on all the harmless but dull things you learn to do alone to keep occupied (yes, including blogging). But just as when I saw friends as a child, at the end of the day we had to go home to our separate places. Being an only child I felt I could only borrow people my own age where nearly everyone else had them around all the time, fighting or not. It's the same now, whoever I manage to see during the day is only temporary. It's someone around all or a lot of the time that's the key to my major trouble, and that really isn't down to effort, intelligence or strategy. It's a chance result of so many factors, one of which may be intention followed by effort. But really that's such a small part it's probably no better than just meeting someone by chance and it taking off naturally.

Yes, you can suck up small ads online and elsewhere like a hoover, telling hundreds of strangers your interests and history, they may even phone you, in my case either sounding like someone I'd never have spoken to normally, or in a couple of cases that they don't want to meet anyone despite investing in an advert. Conversely I recently met a woman who's nothing like what I'd look for generally, but as I had to cross her path regularly got to know her anyway, and soon forgot her average looks (as I was recently described myself) and found a really nice personality. Apart from the major role Jesus has in her life (primary in fact) it may have led somewhere. But I had no say in meeting her, she was introduced into my life regardless. That's been the case ever since I became too old for the normal dating scene where we went to a disco once or twice a weekend, eyed up every girl there and worked our way through asking them to dance until (maybe once every ten places) I got lucky. Then I'd take their phone number, and if they didn't regret it the next day would then start dating until one or both of us found we had little in common.

Of course there were other ways to meet, but apart from holidays, where the downside is they could live anywhere in the world, the numbers were insignificant. Meeting people through friends and family was the next best way, and is now the best, as the other two aren't really going to work at my age. Of course I can confirm that by having gone to a disco or two a year until I was nearly 40, each one I realised why I'd stopped. Unfortunately apart from the recycled women who had just got divorced and were back after a period out of commission, the remainder could be divided in two. One was the obvious appearance reason they were single, equally applying to the men of course though that didn't concern me, and the ones who looked OK soon turned out to be mentally challenged as soon as you spoke to them. The full spectrum was there from simple immaturity to genuine insanity. Yes, they thought the same of me I'm sure, but at least I didn't keep going there regularly like most of them did. It was the same rough bunch just as it was 30 years ago, when if there was actually a party in Greater London the phones would start ringing until hundreds of people had the address and arrived en masse anywhere within a 30 mile radius of London to descend on some poor bugger who had just invited maybe 25 people to their 18th birthday party. Amazingly, with a few exceptions, I always got in, and a few I was even invited to officially.

The major problem was that because of the apparent proportional lack of activities compared to teenage population, the same people followed the parties around so after a year or two it was very rare to see more than a few new people at each party. The social market therefore got used up by the time I graduated in 1984 and thought I'd have the time to really get stuck in, only to find the same people at a do I'd seen there a few years earlier. By then most of the others were paired up only leaving the hard core to continue following the few arrangements left for the over 25s.

Maybe I can write an academic paper on this, I've certainly exhausted all the avenues available myself, and though London is an exception in that it doesn't really have local communities that focus on a small area where it's impossible not to know where the single women are and get to know them, would still apply in any other city this size. This means there are plenty of single women in London, probably within a couple of miles of me which includes a few who may be just right. But as it's London we'll never meet. By the way, anyone who goes to pubs regularly is so unlikely to be my type I think I can rule that route out. I tried it once (OK, my friends did as I stood by getting more and more embarrassed) and I could see then by their combined enthusiasm and guts to go and do it, combined with their total lack of ability and maturity, it wasn't worth trying again. In the end my only hope is if I finally crack the media world, which is slowly happening, they are an incestuous bunch who are very free to socialise with their own, and continually mix and match regardless of their marital status. Who knows, I may even make it with someone from Big Brother- especially if it's Becki Seddiki from Big Brother 5 who I briefly met last year, and was looking for someone at the time. And a psychologist, what more could I want?

By the way, I've heard every possible insult on my dating history here by now. It's really not worth adding any more. It's repetitive and makes myself and every other reader of the blog (people have told me) feel sick, and just makes you look like a sad and bitter bitch.

Oh boy, not again...

I wasn't even intending to write anything today, but as I had to pay a visit anyway, I couldn't miss opening the little box.

Well, the scourge of writers everywhere has hit Kingsbury, the hate mail. Well, in one sentence, I may be all sorts of inadequate, but in all my 45 years I've never sent or never will send hate mail. I hope that says it all.

Other than that, I have nothing new to report (hence lack of intention to write...), but every experience including the deep shit seems to give a little opportunity to reflect, and freedom of speech is designed to allow me and everyone on earth with access to a computer to write what they bloody well like, and the opportunity to choose what to read. If I didn't like it I'd avoid a blog again, and that's it. So there's some sort of reason to return whatever the intent. In this occasion I'd prefer not being read though.

My dating problems (to reply to issues raised) boil down to one formula. I know exactly what I like, and get more or less the opposite. I've spelt it out in detail already, but basically I've had as many offers as I've probably made, and being male have tested nearly all before rejection. On the other side, a number of women I've tried have given me a test run before letting me go, where in some cases I would have been happy to marry them. I've had at least five women hint/propose to me. I really can't understand how as soon as I decide a woman's right for me she goes off me. I don't exhibit that much dribbling, fawning and all the other no-nos men tend to do when the sap rises (I meant 'dick' there). And to be honest, I more write to entertain myself and it's a bonus if anyone else actually reads any of it as well. It clarifies my thoughts and allows me to release a bit of steam every few days and is not meant to be a literary effort. As a bonus I've met a number of very nice and decent bloggers (you guys know who you are) and the sort of stuff I write about is typical as one of a few most popular subjects for blogs. What else is there to write about besides life?
There are special interest blogs which are fine as far as they go, but only appeal to people with the same interests. But we all share similar workings, so can relate to every human being on earth more or less if they just relate their everyday life.

So I have a formula/curse in my life about women. So I write about it. If I decided to leave it out I'd write about something else, but the answer is it doesn't matter what I write, it's who's writing it that is targeted regardless of the content. I know what I did to get the punishment, but enough is enough. It's getting truly pathetic and no one is impressed and I hate wasting my time replying at all to it.

Days off

Well, for the first time for ages I've had a whole week free. The balance is I had literally nothing interesting to do specifically either, so have just sat here taking each moment as it comes.

Many little bits of house/garden work have now been done, the weather was good enough to have tea in the garden a couple of times, and apart from the usual family visits I've hardly been anywhere or seen anyone. It's been relaxing though, after last month's chaos I really needed it. The patience of a saint is gradually becoming a reality, as a contrast to my nature of wanting everything now, I've actually got nothing now. To a Buddhist this a sign of enlightenment, but to a suburban Jew with a mild persecution complex it's what it says. Seriously, what I actually mean is that timing of events is really not in our control. We can make arrangements of sorts, but have no guarantee they'll be what we wanted, and definitely not with who we choose, unless they choose it. I'll never actually be totally idle though. Not earning money and not doing anything useful are not the same thing. Many things people do to earn money are a total waste of time, such as selling things to people they don't need, or stealing money from the public in the form of congestion charges. At least I help people and I learn things when I'm not working. If I can pay the bills then I get away with the lack of paid work. If I can't then I'll have to deal with it if the time comes.

I'd rather have things dead quiet than most recent alternatives. I do get incredibly bored at times, but that's because I'm living alone and I wasn't designed for that. I recently met a woman my sort of age and single who seems to like doing the same sort of things, ie like a cat. She seems pretty content, far more than me, sitting and reading or watching TV on her own most of the time, I'm quite relieved people like that do exist as the majority still seem to be doing all the things I did until my late 20s, going to shows, eating out (I never really liked that though), travelling and the like. Any woman I do meet may or may not want to do some of these things and most expect me to join in. I will up to a point, but to a minimum. I don't think this one would but I may be wrong as I've never seen her in a dating situation. I don't know or care technically how few other people have calmed down almost to the point of hibernation, except for the potential women I meet who would prefer to be active. Who knows, maybe my years of meditation are working in a way I didn't predict, calming me down so much I don't need to be active any more. I suspect it's my nature combined with advancing years, but the other view is a lot nicer!

Well, if there are any other sloths out there please let me know, I did hear one call the radio a few weeks ago and felt very encouraged I wasn't totally alone. I've always seemed to stand out on the fringes for some reason, and as long as I had a small group of people around who understood me I wouldn't mind. But remember I write this at a stage in my life. The further back you go the more I did. But I've shifted into a gear now that suits me fine, but would obviously be better if there was a twin soul to share it with. Meanwhile I just take each moment as it comes which is probably a step in the right direction.

Wednesday's summary

Things are fairly balanced at the moment. Nothing nasty around (for a change) though few specific projects to keep me usefully occupied either. Since the last post a few little events have happened, some to me plus the great news France rejected the European Constitution, hopefully to be followed by the Netherlands tomorrow. If common sense has finally taken over in the minds of 'Greater Europe' I can only say hallelujah, and it's better now than never. Melanie Phillips is even more cynical than me (but far better educated, so I bow to her greater knowledge), and says they'll get it through regardless, but I would counter that once the people wake up, the bastards trying to pull the strings will no longer be able to put them to sleep again. We'll see who's right.

I also found yet another 'lost' post from my first week in Funtrivia back in 2000, due to a series of clerical errors on the computer I'd completely lost track of my original membership there, and only found it again a year ago after finding a notebook with the URL written down. As it was so old it hadn't been left on the main site so couldn't be found without using the archive machine, which at times turns out better stuff than the current internet pages. Anyone not familiar with Funtrivia will be losing me by now, but as I spend the majority of my internet time there and have linked it from my profile, there's no excuse for anyone curious not to simply go and look. By typing trivia in most search engines, they always come number one in the results.

Other than that I've read a wonderful piece in a catalogue I use for spiritual books, which has taken me a step closer to realising my true nature. It basically said that human beings (as we believe ourselves to be) can never reach any goals we set by natural or supernatural means, as we weren't meant to. Once we hand the power over to a higher level, we relax and let go of all feeling of responsibility for attempting to make life better, and just let it be. Then a higher consciousness, our true nature, can take over. Believe me, simple things like this can change you if you believe them intuitively. Anyone wanting to learn more, read John Randolph Price.

Finally (deperately dragging my memory for recent events), the little female issue has, along with all others since 2002 (new ones anyway) evaporated, basically I think a woman either becomes a girlfriend within a few days after you meet her or not at all. Anyone you meet, pursue and possibly become friends with has never amounted to anything more as far as I remember (without looking up my little book...). The news is the same usually, when the papers go on for weeks something is going to happen it hardly ever does, but you wake up with a sudden headline when something massive does happen. The war in Iraq, on the face of it, seems to be an exception, as it was hyped for a few years before it finally happened. But like the Catherine wheel that finally lights after the 5th attempt and then goes backwards a few times before going out with a raspberry, the war in Iraq turned out, as my friend Jon taught me to say, to be a right abortion. Little of the apparent reasons for it seemed to have been dealt with, oil has increased dramatically so those who blame oil for the war should ask what benefits we've gained from pushing the price to double what it was. Saddam Hussein may have been a typical third world murderous dictator, but he wasn't threatening me, so all I can say is if that's a reason to go to war, why stop at him? And finally the country now seems in a far worse state than it was before, apart from the fact the killing is now being done by lunatics rather than the government. This wasn't about Iraq, but rather than be asked to justify my opinion later those are the main reasons for it.

But relating back to life in Kingsbury, I am close to the stage of forgetting what a girlfriend is for, and have totally given up any attempts to get one, as they make no difference to the results. I meet people from time to time, and if one of them is female and single, que sera sera. But go and look, unless you live in a country with singles bars, the American equivalent of going to Marks and Spencer's for clothes lined up in different sizes and colours, forget it, such a place is not in the British Isles as far as I know. Putting my wedding tackle on the line yet again, I have another little story on those lines where I'll have to be incredibly careful a person won't recognise herself. As she doesn't apparently read this I think I'll get away with it, though all I am about to say is highly complimentary it is still probably highly embarrassing for the woman in question.

The story starts with the current series of Dr Who. Bear with me, there's method in my madness. The actor playing the Doctor is a couple of years younger than me, the actress playing Rose, the goblin-featured Billie Piper probably a few years younger than the lady in question. With me so far? Currently there is a growing sexual tension between Rose and the Doctor, though in true British style the writers will wimp out of having a full (or quarter) on affair between a teenager and a man her late father's age. Certainly not on a kids' programme. Anyway. Rose has already dumped her original boyfriend, who is very similar to my own subject's one (not chucked though...). The Doctor has introduced Rose to a whole new world of travel through time and space, and I am doing what I can to help this person in her spiritual journey, as she had begun before I met her. It only started fitting together in the last episode that the three of us in so many ways reflected Rose, the Doctor and Micky, the ex, that I realised how similar the situations were. I suspect the Doctor 'would' at the drop of a hat, (though in his world he's actually 900 years old), though I can't see Rose having any of it. But the dancing scene pushed them one step closer to shared intimacy than before, and after a few drinks anything could now happen, though regretted the next day.
Goodness knows in reality if my woman (I'll have to invent a name for her) realises a light comes on every time I see her, and has ever since I saw her the first time. She's as far from my normal type as Rose is from the Doctor, totally opposite backgrounds and ages, but once we meet discover we do have a lot of interests in common behind the surface.
Now at my age time is running out, and I've been looking for long enough to both know what I want, and prepared to take a chance on anyone whose qualities include a few major good ones, and overlook all the others. Arranged and rushed weddings I've seen have shown time is no factor in assuring a good marriage, however long you've known someone before proposing has little effect on the quality of the marriage. So I would be happy to jump into a marriage with any of 100 women I know now (if they were single of course) as it could only be a million per cent improvement on now, even with a few holes in it. The wrong women piss me off so intensely or bore me it wouldn't take long to spot that so would never get close to being on the list. Others, sadly, have wonderful personalities but look so average I know each time I had sex it would be worse until I went off them altogether. Being a typical man I've been up this path so many times by taking what's on offer that I could never impose it on myself for life. I do know two such women now at least, and either would be good company, one is wild and interesting, the other calm and relaxing to be with. Neither are bad looking, but not good either. And of course I bet they're the ones who 'would' as well, partially as I don't care and partially because that's what usually happens.
The unnamed one (a good enough name) is actually gorgeous, not as gorgeous as many where I know her from in comparison, but so way over the pass level the fact there are a few others above makes little difference in feeling I'd missed out on someone better had I really got somewhere. That's a comment made purely from experience and knowing myself well enough to know what works and what doesn't. Her education is probably equal to my cat's, her social background somewhere beneath my cat's, but my reaction to her is hardly affected by this if at all. That's probably just her environment and in her heart there's actually an angel, which is what I am reacting to, and all the stuff on the surface that could easily put me off is just now part of her. So the bottom line is (inspired by reading a similar situation happening to a top reiki master, who's still married) if I was asked to marry her now, I'd say yes. Faults, differences, possible problems, brothers with weapons (aimed at me), family recriminations, age differences, educational chasm, apparent lack of conversation and shared interests etc etc., I'd do it. For after reeling off all the faults, every time I looked round I'd see the same incredible person I noticed from 50 feet away the first time I saw her, and my heart jumps every time I catch her walking past me, and this has been consistent for months now, and is growing (only on my side of course). This transcends every fault and detail, and if she did feel the same way would confirm it was the right thing to do, as she'd be aware of it as well. As there's no relationship in my life really, at least I can wax a bit poetic about one I'd jump into for life given a chance, as it's a little escape to the realms of fantasy, which is the only place I'll find a relationship at the moment.