This is the second time I wrote a particularly controversial post, pressed 'publish' and the computer went down. This time it was the modem (first time since fixed a few months ago) but either way it forced me to reconsider.
I have, and I'll write the same thing, but not in such a controversial way. I don't really want to frighten the horses.
Anyway, I realised why I get so much stick from a few people for appearing to know it all, and I will explain. I've been accused of this for most of my life, and it seems it's because I have an apparently clearer view of many of the philosophical and political situations in life many others seem to struggle with. It's mainly my intuition plus knowledge to a lesser degree, and as I spent many years training to communicate what I know, I then try and do so as clearly as possible. I just seem to see answers as simple or obvious, and wonder how many clever people seem to have so little ability to see all round these situations. As someone recently said, they have the intellect but not the wisdom. I didn't choose to be able to do this, it's just something I've discovered purely as a comparitive, as until I see the trouble so many others have with what seems clear to me I realise I appear to understand many things beyond what others do. That gets you into a lot of trouble.
Any other natural talent, art, music, whatever, you are expected and encouraged to show what you can do, and criticised if you hide your light under a bushel. But if you're aware, and not being paid for it (as I am when counselling) you're usually considered a smartarse. The internet, especially the blog, has given me my best opportunity to show what I'm made of, and unlike my art which has received a reception beyond what I expected, often when I try and explain concepts many disagree over I get told to pull my head in. Many people are driven by emotion and sometimes religion, which can blind them to many points they'd rather not hear. And opinions and beliefs only exist until we find the truth. Then they disappear as all becomes known. For instance do animals feel emotion? With mainly my intuition I can still say animals have virtually the same emotions as we do, but I can't prove it. But if a cat could talk, we'd know and be able to save years of research that could never be conclusive. I seem to be able to oversee situations, put together all the information, and come to a conclusion which seems pretty simple when I actually do it. Instead of people telling me to lay off, I'd far rather be offered discussion topics so I could see if I could come up with answers to show exactly what I could do. Some boffins get paid a bomb in think tanks and universities to do just this, but when you're doing it as yourself the credit seems to vanish.
There are people who I can usually spot very quickly who can also do this, including some 'spiritual' teachers, such as Prem Rawat and Nick Roach, and others who have taught in education, such as Tommy Boyd and Peter my biology teacher. Once I notice someone's 'got it' I'm rarely let down by them later. On the other side, many people who are the top of their profession come out with 9 year old responses to some issues, which show they may be good at their job but not generally. Just watch something like Question Time on TV to see a panel of bright sparks, and see how long it takes for one of them to let themselves down with a statement that clearly is based on a total inability to understand a point.
Well, I think that covers it, and will conclude with Nick Roach's explanation which would explain exactly why I feel in this position. He says as there's only me here and everything else is my dream, of course I'd know more about it than anyone else as it's all me!
Another technique he recommends the modem forced me to do was to write the same post without the emotion. Same ideas and concepts, but no anger. The system worked.
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Flyovers
I was always fascinated by flyovers as a child, and now live next to some of the largest concentrations in London, between the junctions of the Hendon Way and Edgware Road on the North Circular in Hendon. They also make pretty good shapes when photographed at different angles.
Wednesday
Talk about a typical scene in my life. I was told the chair probably wouldn't arrive today as I ordered late, but as it was dark and wet I decided not to risk going anywhere, and at 5.45pm the chair arrived. Downhill from there. I spotted a little tear in the fabric, revealing it was all plastic. I rang the company immediately, who said the fact the advert said leather was just 'cheeky'.
The box also says luxury leather, so the manufacturers (who I will probably name) are even worse. Having a law degree is bloody useful, as even though I'm not a qualified practitioner, most everyday legal shit that happens is covered by it (as my friends are pleased to know) and this is not a contractual but a criminal issue, as it's misdescription under the trade descriptions act. Anyway, everyone has been contacted and besides the bloody thing taking up room until it's collected on Friday (it's a huge box) I'll see if they actually bother to prosecute them, as the trading standards have full details.
So I'm still on a wobbly and dangerous chair almost as old as I am, and shown mail order isn't always the holiday it seems. That's also why I have eight bits missing from my new kitchen, though they weren't even available in store.
Otherwise the builders next door actually didn't have their radio on (will it last?), so I had a nice quiet night, and after a 12 hour day, they're still banging away there. Rather them than me. I did around a 14 hour day once when I was 21, I did survive but would prefer never to repeat it, and as it was my last day in that job I never did. Quality rather than quantity for me, please. I've been washing more and more pans from the old kitchen, apart from having most left over from my parents' divorce, ie enough for three people, I don't even cook so really have no use for 90% of it all. I won't return it all to get dusty again, but just keep what I need and see what to do with the rest. I can always keep papers and things in the cupboards instead if it leaves room, kitchen or not.
Manchester Utd are live on TV in less than an hour (why I'm writing now) so with that and two hours recorded from channel 4 while it's on I'll have my work cut out later on (ha ha). But apart from the chair fiasco which was totally unavoidable I've done OK today as it was the housework day and I did more than last time. I can see the chair lasting another 3o years now, I really can't be bothered...
The box also says luxury leather, so the manufacturers (who I will probably name) are even worse. Having a law degree is bloody useful, as even though I'm not a qualified practitioner, most everyday legal shit that happens is covered by it (as my friends are pleased to know) and this is not a contractual but a criminal issue, as it's misdescription under the trade descriptions act. Anyway, everyone has been contacted and besides the bloody thing taking up room until it's collected on Friday (it's a huge box) I'll see if they actually bother to prosecute them, as the trading standards have full details.
So I'm still on a wobbly and dangerous chair almost as old as I am, and shown mail order isn't always the holiday it seems. That's also why I have eight bits missing from my new kitchen, though they weren't even available in store.
Otherwise the builders next door actually didn't have their radio on (will it last?), so I had a nice quiet night, and after a 12 hour day, they're still banging away there. Rather them than me. I did around a 14 hour day once when I was 21, I did survive but would prefer never to repeat it, and as it was my last day in that job I never did. Quality rather than quantity for me, please. I've been washing more and more pans from the old kitchen, apart from having most left over from my parents' divorce, ie enough for three people, I don't even cook so really have no use for 90% of it all. I won't return it all to get dusty again, but just keep what I need and see what to do with the rest. I can always keep papers and things in the cupboards instead if it leaves room, kitchen or not.
Manchester Utd are live on TV in less than an hour (why I'm writing now) so with that and two hours recorded from channel 4 while it's on I'll have my work cut out later on (ha ha). But apart from the chair fiasco which was totally unavoidable I've done OK today as it was the housework day and I did more than last time. I can see the chair lasting another 3o years now, I really can't be bothered...
Routine
My timetable is pretty regular and predictable, most days I see one of my family at some time, do bits of work now and again, and the rest of the time is on the computer, housework, going to the gym and shopping. If I'm lucky I may have someone over every week or so, and when the weather's OK I'll go for a walk or on my bike.
That's the background behind everything else, and isn't usually worth mentioning here. So whatever happens above that could appear here, big or small. Like today when my Dad was over and looking at my new photos I remembered the video I took of the same places a few years ago, and he hardly remembered any of it, and it was ages since I'd seen it.
I also had banging coming from next door around 7.30am, though luckily got to sleep again, besides having the radio on at a volume that was able to communicate with another planet. I went over to investigate and discovered in a couple of weeks the new resident will be moving in, and is a single man. A single woman would have been ideal (I know very few under 60...) but compared to a family I'm more likely to get to know him.
I've just ordered a decent office chair, the current one is about 30 years old, and I'm the third person in the family to use it. It has pins sticking out at both ends, and the sponge has gone so time for something decent at last. I bet the sods arrive at 8am with it...
On a tangent from my routine, I suspect there are women out there who wouldn't be put off by someone who's not bothered much to go out. I wouldn't ever have been, following my point on close friends, I either got on with someone or not. We stayed in, we went out, it didn't matter. Many of them stayed with me in Devon, where I went for a few weeks every year or more for over 20 years, and especially if the weather was good I lived on an estate (country estate, not council!) which was self contained and could easily spend a week without leaving it with plenty to do. That takes me to one possible ambition, inspired by Mike Reid the DJ. Some super-rich DJs like him have built a radio studio where they live and broadcast from home every day and still earn a bomb. On that tack, had I unlimited finances I'd buy a place with room for a radio studio, consulting room, separate office, art studio, snooker room (had before but not a fullsize table) with a pinball machine (also had once). Then I'd have a gym and if really rich a TV studio and recording studio. I'd rent out all the places as of course I couldn't use them all at the same time, which would mean they paid for themselves, and another place it reminded me of (name drop alert!!!) was Stanley Kubrick's house in Elstree.
Going to a showbiz-type school many actors sent their kids there, so the chances of visiting were pretty high. I went there a few times, and think I counted seven reception rooms, including a cinema where he showed everything he made privately. I never met him, as he never seemed to be around the few times I went, but just seeing the vast places the rich and famous live showed me what's possible for the rare individuals who make it big. They also had about four gardens, as behind each one there seemed to be another divided by a hedge or fence, rather than belonging to next door one just led into another. In contrast, if I hadn't converted my loft I'd be seeing clients in my open plan lounge, with two small bedrooms. Now I have a huge loft room and use my old bedroom as the office and consulting room, so all my computer shit (papers everywhere) and model cars line the room as there's nowhere else to put them (the bedroom's also full of cars, no room for more).
So the games room would display all my models, and I suppose I could have a bar and space invaders machine there as well like an American hotel (makes ours look like Camp X-Ray) and now I think a small heated pool as well. The cribs programme on MTV is full of these sort of places, though I have no idea who the Americans are who own these places, at least it shows it's possible to literally have everything if you have enough money. A four bedroom house in Hampstead Garden Suburb would actually cost the same as most of these places, as you needn't have a lot to live like a prince in the States, so they're not that rich compared to us, they just live in a very cheap country (outside a few pockets). Ours is the exact opposite. Unless you live in the north, you'll pay around $1 million for a decent detached house. More like double where I used to be. I reckon if I found one of the few plots big enough for that ambition there it would cost about £15-20 million, or $25-35 million. That's why I talk about it here- it's the nearest I'll get!
But really this house with one more person would be better than that with nobody. But both, why the hell not? We may as well think big, as one book I read tells you. But renting out studio space would bring me a full house anyway as well as the extra money, and I'd get to know all sorts of interesting people that way even if no one else actually lived there. What am I reminded of now? Neverland. He has gone even further than I ever would given the money, and if anyone thinks I've got mental problems he could trump me many times over. And still has a massive collection of obsessive fans (I know one and it's excruciating). But even I'm fascinated with him (not his music, feh!) as I was with a fairly similar (on a small scale) Jodie Marsh (now I see the similarities), and a caller on the radio tonight said she'd never seen anything like her nose. They must have crossed the plastic surgery with an entry for the Turner prize... Weird and different is always fascinating, in a car-crash sort of way, and I wouldn't want to be followed for that, but can see that if anyone sees you in that vein (they wouldn't if they met me, I'm really laid back) they can't get away either.
What I will say is that I don't hold back like most sheep do. I share almost whatever's on my mind and don't give a crap what anyone wants to judge it for, as we all have our private thoughts but few make them public. I also want people to see if I can they can. There's nothing much to hide, we all have the same two sets of equipment, 90% or so shared by both sexes, what on earth do people think they have to keep private? When a client (nothing giving away here) says they've got something really embarrassing to tell me, often after months of coming, it's nearly always something so everyday it almost scares me how tight we are here that something so ordinary is seen as so embarrassing. So I weigh the balance the other way, I always have, and the fact I haven't been shot yet for it means I carry on. I sometimes think some people would see some of my thoughts as making me inadequate and insecure, but if they're honest with themselves they probably have variations of them themselves. And possibly a lot worse, if giving a value. There is a process in counselling groups (which I've done and seen and is recognised) is secondary disclosure, where one person unloads a big problem, and instead of shock or support, half the group reveal similar ones once they've seen it's possible to. Anyone see what I'm doing? Besides never being scared of disclosure the only time I got caught out was talking too much at college and almost getting myself kicked out for it. I learnt then to keep quiet in front of certain authority figures, but that was all.
Well, I started off talking about how routine my life is, and how little has been worth reporting this week, and I slipped into Mike Read's inspiration of what I'd like to do, and somehow it ended up in disclosure. I only planned the first bit and the rest was organic, and though I (having been forced to examine my motives) write to entertain and unload, if even one person learns something that sets them free from a habit I'll be very happy.
That's the background behind everything else, and isn't usually worth mentioning here. So whatever happens above that could appear here, big or small. Like today when my Dad was over and looking at my new photos I remembered the video I took of the same places a few years ago, and he hardly remembered any of it, and it was ages since I'd seen it.
I also had banging coming from next door around 7.30am, though luckily got to sleep again, besides having the radio on at a volume that was able to communicate with another planet. I went over to investigate and discovered in a couple of weeks the new resident will be moving in, and is a single man. A single woman would have been ideal (I know very few under 60...) but compared to a family I'm more likely to get to know him.
I've just ordered a decent office chair, the current one is about 30 years old, and I'm the third person in the family to use it. It has pins sticking out at both ends, and the sponge has gone so time for something decent at last. I bet the sods arrive at 8am with it...
On a tangent from my routine, I suspect there are women out there who wouldn't be put off by someone who's not bothered much to go out. I wouldn't ever have been, following my point on close friends, I either got on with someone or not. We stayed in, we went out, it didn't matter. Many of them stayed with me in Devon, where I went for a few weeks every year or more for over 20 years, and especially if the weather was good I lived on an estate (country estate, not council!) which was self contained and could easily spend a week without leaving it with plenty to do. That takes me to one possible ambition, inspired by Mike Reid the DJ. Some super-rich DJs like him have built a radio studio where they live and broadcast from home every day and still earn a bomb. On that tack, had I unlimited finances I'd buy a place with room for a radio studio, consulting room, separate office, art studio, snooker room (had before but not a fullsize table) with a pinball machine (also had once). Then I'd have a gym and if really rich a TV studio and recording studio. I'd rent out all the places as of course I couldn't use them all at the same time, which would mean they paid for themselves, and another place it reminded me of (name drop alert!!!) was Stanley Kubrick's house in Elstree.
Going to a showbiz-type school many actors sent their kids there, so the chances of visiting were pretty high. I went there a few times, and think I counted seven reception rooms, including a cinema where he showed everything he made privately. I never met him, as he never seemed to be around the few times I went, but just seeing the vast places the rich and famous live showed me what's possible for the rare individuals who make it big. They also had about four gardens, as behind each one there seemed to be another divided by a hedge or fence, rather than belonging to next door one just led into another. In contrast, if I hadn't converted my loft I'd be seeing clients in my open plan lounge, with two small bedrooms. Now I have a huge loft room and use my old bedroom as the office and consulting room, so all my computer shit (papers everywhere) and model cars line the room as there's nowhere else to put them (the bedroom's also full of cars, no room for more).
So the games room would display all my models, and I suppose I could have a bar and space invaders machine there as well like an American hotel (makes ours look like Camp X-Ray) and now I think a small heated pool as well. The cribs programme on MTV is full of these sort of places, though I have no idea who the Americans are who own these places, at least it shows it's possible to literally have everything if you have enough money. A four bedroom house in Hampstead Garden Suburb would actually cost the same as most of these places, as you needn't have a lot to live like a prince in the States, so they're not that rich compared to us, they just live in a very cheap country (outside a few pockets). Ours is the exact opposite. Unless you live in the north, you'll pay around $1 million for a decent detached house. More like double where I used to be. I reckon if I found one of the few plots big enough for that ambition there it would cost about £15-20 million, or $25-35 million. That's why I talk about it here- it's the nearest I'll get!
But really this house with one more person would be better than that with nobody. But both, why the hell not? We may as well think big, as one book I read tells you. But renting out studio space would bring me a full house anyway as well as the extra money, and I'd get to know all sorts of interesting people that way even if no one else actually lived there. What am I reminded of now? Neverland. He has gone even further than I ever would given the money, and if anyone thinks I've got mental problems he could trump me many times over. And still has a massive collection of obsessive fans (I know one and it's excruciating). But even I'm fascinated with him (not his music, feh!) as I was with a fairly similar (on a small scale) Jodie Marsh (now I see the similarities), and a caller on the radio tonight said she'd never seen anything like her nose. They must have crossed the plastic surgery with an entry for the Turner prize... Weird and different is always fascinating, in a car-crash sort of way, and I wouldn't want to be followed for that, but can see that if anyone sees you in that vein (they wouldn't if they met me, I'm really laid back) they can't get away either.
What I will say is that I don't hold back like most sheep do. I share almost whatever's on my mind and don't give a crap what anyone wants to judge it for, as we all have our private thoughts but few make them public. I also want people to see if I can they can. There's nothing much to hide, we all have the same two sets of equipment, 90% or so shared by both sexes, what on earth do people think they have to keep private? When a client (nothing giving away here) says they've got something really embarrassing to tell me, often after months of coming, it's nearly always something so everyday it almost scares me how tight we are here that something so ordinary is seen as so embarrassing. So I weigh the balance the other way, I always have, and the fact I haven't been shot yet for it means I carry on. I sometimes think some people would see some of my thoughts as making me inadequate and insecure, but if they're honest with themselves they probably have variations of them themselves. And possibly a lot worse, if giving a value. There is a process in counselling groups (which I've done and seen and is recognised) is secondary disclosure, where one person unloads a big problem, and instead of shock or support, half the group reveal similar ones once they've seen it's possible to. Anyone see what I'm doing? Besides never being scared of disclosure the only time I got caught out was talking too much at college and almost getting myself kicked out for it. I learnt then to keep quiet in front of certain authority figures, but that was all.
Well, I started off talking about how routine my life is, and how little has been worth reporting this week, and I slipped into Mike Read's inspiration of what I'd like to do, and somehow it ended up in disclosure. I only planned the first bit and the rest was organic, and though I (having been forced to examine my motives) write to entertain and unload, if even one person learns something that sets them free from a habit I'll be very happy.
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
I miss:
Test cards
Real money
Proper UK number plates
Telegraph poles
Round headlights and radiator grilles
Old buses
Proper train tickets
While I'm waiting...
OK, it also does fonts!
And sizes
and these qwertyplmiohd
It reminds me of trips we used to have in the school holidays where we were let loose on all sorts of machinery and technical stuff for our 'education'. I still can't upload a picture, but while trying found more buttons.
Mind you, had I have found these buttons first
I'd probably never bothered to learn HTML.
'I don't make the rules...'
And sizes
and these qwertyplmiohd
It reminds me of trips we used to have in the school holidays where we were let loose on all sorts of machinery and technical stuff for our 'education'. I still can't upload a picture, but while trying found more buttons.
Mind you, had I have found these buttons first
I'd probably never bothered to learn HTML.
'I don't make the rules...'
I miss
when blogger worked...
However, when I started peeing around when it wouldn't upload pictures, I pressed, in sequence, 'preview, compose', and found this.
Automatic font colours!
However, when I started peeing around when it wouldn't upload pictures, I pressed, in sequence, 'preview, compose', and found this.
Automatic font colours!
To think I'd been copying in HTML codes for weeks, and kept one colour (besides one post) as it took so damn long, and they've had auto colour the whole time!
So, until I can post what I meant to I'll just have a little fun.
If you follow the button sequence you get a lovely harlequin pattern following a T
I presume T is for text, and why on earth this button isn't placed on the 'create' page goodness only knows.
It also writes in the font you actually see when posted, so you could say one misfortune led me to discovering a short cut I'd literally never have found otherwise.
Someone on a forum just asked me about coincidences, and I was struggling to think of one. I think this qualifies.
If there's really a higher power now blogger will let me post my images before tomorrow, but either way
I made a profit!
Monday, January 16, 2006
Continuity and quality
In my life I always liked to have the same good things in place, and badly missed them when they went. Once anything had become familiar and positive I preferred to keep it around me rather than many who continually look for the new. At least with each area I gradually got to know what I liked, and if present saw no reason to want anything different.
Being part of anything and adding to it has shown itself as the most interesting aspect of life to me, whether it’s a footballer’s career or people in the big brother house, while they’re at it they continue to add a new chapter each day they’re at it. Like the last day anywhere, when you know you’re leaving, isn’t it so focused that you realise how important it is and remember whatever happened as being special, whatever it was?
So this relates to every aspect of my life. I have categories, the two most important being people and places. Sadly virtually every aspect that was important to me has gone now, and I’ll relate how they arrived, as part of my theme of answers and control over life, to show how little say we have in their presence or absence in our lives.
One thing writing this (it’s one I did on paper first, I do sometimes now for the benefit of my readers…well really if I get a new idea before getting on the computer) did was, just like in therapy, allow me to discover two new aspects of my life I hadn’t been aware of before, which I’ll mention as they are pointed out.
The first big shift was at 21, when my mother left. Now in a house with just three people, two male, the loss of one, especially the only one of the opposite balancing sex, means more than in any other setup (except two people). Things had gone before, namely when I was dragged away from my comfortable and happy community at 5 to go to an anonymous place in an area I didn’t know. Gradually it become home, but I missed the old place, and only appreciated the new sometime after I’d left 28 years later. Then my little girlfriend moved a few years after we moved in, which looking back was really the closest thing I ever had to marriage. She only lived two doors away, often slept over, bathed together and even went to the loo together a few times. Imagine 8 year olds but married and that’s probably as close as you’ll get to how it was. She was a year older and bossed me around but she was closer than a sister and a lot more of course as we really began to develop a childlike relationship. That must have been the first major friend I lost, she only moved a mile away but was no longer bothered with me as she was growing up and was happy to leave me behind.
By the way, I do have a totally genuine reason for writing this today, as I saw someone for the first time in over 4 years today who was the closest thing to a family member I ever had, who has been mainly abroad for ages now but makes the odd trip back. I realised how important having the right people and things around was to me, so here I am relating it.
As well as friends, family and places, the other things that count to me are designs of houses and cars, train tickets (collected for 35 years) and TV and radio programmes and entertainers. Jimmy Savile coming into Big Brother today was also a little of my past returning, as I remember watching him on Top of the Pops when I was about 3, and he hasn’t really changed.
One thing I realised when writing this (when I’d finished, actually) was if the old is replaced by something as good or better then it’s usually fine (besides losing family members who can’t be replaced) as it’s almost as much about a minimum quality in your life. So when Ben Elton and Harry Hill replaced Peter Sellers, Frankie Howerd and Marty Feldman I didn’t mind much as he was just as good in his own way. But otherwise houses and cars have gone from a dream to a nightmare
(yes, this is what they're building again in the UK, like there weren't enough already...)
in my opinion. The worst old houses are now being imitated, whereas the amazing designs from the past in cars have been replaced by computerised designs that pay no attention to appearance, only performance.
Recent changes have been the final loss of Routemaster London buses last month, after almost 46 years of them in my world, and I took many pictures, knowing a few years ago they were on the way out. We still have a few things from my birth, like The Archers on the radio, but few strings now can be traced all the way back to 1980, let alone 1960 or before.
But people are top of my list, and the other thing I realised when writing about it was what makes a person a close friend of mine. They either qualify or they don’t. I will explain. When I was about 14 and suddenly meeting loads of new people after my discovery of clubs and discos, started thinking after a few weeks whether each new person would become a new friend. I couldn’t do a thing about it, they either made it or not. The average time they stayed friends has been 20 years. They mainly drifted away following marriage, a couple went away after leaving school and the final one went abroad exactly 4 years ago. But I met them from firstly my parents, then school, holidays (one every year in particular) and teen discos. I still meet new people but for whatever reasons none have clicked as new friends since the last regular went.
A wife to me was always another and ultimate level, and having none to compare with can only hold this out as an even higher level of person I may find correct or not if it happens. That was the relevance of my childhood experience, as I felt right being with her regardless, no judgement on either side, free to say or do anything and fully understood. I had this again when I was 15 but that was the ‘Vivienne’s fucking bitch from hell of a mother’ story from earlier on. That woman did as much as a person could to ruin my life so anything I call her is only harmless words in comparison, though she isn’t around to read them anyhow. As I said before, one person’s decision.
Old school reunions and friends reunited have helped keep a little thread going to the past, as has seeing my Mum just up the road from where I used to live, and spending lots of time in the area generally. Few of the people are left, including those I worked with (in adjoining buildings) a mile away until 1997. If I had the cash I’d just buy my old place and probably never move again, now I appreciate its total qualities.
My mental and possibly even physical health ought to improve if I’d get back some of these areas in my life, and after leaving my old house have since learned to look at any good things still in my life, big or small, and enjoy them while they’re still here. Some people prefer the new, travelling, different places and people and may never settle down. I see the good in my life, and settle with it. That makes life a lot easier if those things are there as I don’t aspire to more or new, but is a right pisser when they go. And to tie it all up, they are one thing with little or no control over. Like our dreams, even the same one can drift from dream to nightmare and back independently, and whether we realise it’s a dream or not, we are only really witnesses to it. As I said, I do what I can to bring those aspects into my life in every way I can think of, but short of buying a car plant and making the damn things my own way, or the same with houses, and beyond that I’m not going to invent a couple of new friends or make the million I need to move to the old patch or even place. I have exactly the same as we all do, what is. Probably technically fairly average, but when you’ve had the best in nearly every way (short of a partner) you know the difference each part that goes. And returns.
Being part of anything and adding to it has shown itself as the most interesting aspect of life to me, whether it’s a footballer’s career or people in the big brother house, while they’re at it they continue to add a new chapter each day they’re at it. Like the last day anywhere, when you know you’re leaving, isn’t it so focused that you realise how important it is and remember whatever happened as being special, whatever it was?
So this relates to every aspect of my life. I have categories, the two most important being people and places. Sadly virtually every aspect that was important to me has gone now, and I’ll relate how they arrived, as part of my theme of answers and control over life, to show how little say we have in their presence or absence in our lives.
One thing writing this (it’s one I did on paper first, I do sometimes now for the benefit of my readers…well really if I get a new idea before getting on the computer) did was, just like in therapy, allow me to discover two new aspects of my life I hadn’t been aware of before, which I’ll mention as they are pointed out.
The first big shift was at 21, when my mother left. Now in a house with just three people, two male, the loss of one, especially the only one of the opposite balancing sex, means more than in any other setup (except two people). Things had gone before, namely when I was dragged away from my comfortable and happy community at 5 to go to an anonymous place in an area I didn’t know. Gradually it become home, but I missed the old place, and only appreciated the new sometime after I’d left 28 years later. Then my little girlfriend moved a few years after we moved in, which looking back was really the closest thing I ever had to marriage. She only lived two doors away, often slept over, bathed together and even went to the loo together a few times. Imagine 8 year olds but married and that’s probably as close as you’ll get to how it was. She was a year older and bossed me around but she was closer than a sister and a lot more of course as we really began to develop a childlike relationship. That must have been the first major friend I lost, she only moved a mile away but was no longer bothered with me as she was growing up and was happy to leave me behind.
By the way, I do have a totally genuine reason for writing this today, as I saw someone for the first time in over 4 years today who was the closest thing to a family member I ever had, who has been mainly abroad for ages now but makes the odd trip back. I realised how important having the right people and things around was to me, so here I am relating it.
As well as friends, family and places, the other things that count to me are designs of houses and cars, train tickets (collected for 35 years) and TV and radio programmes and entertainers. Jimmy Savile coming into Big Brother today was also a little of my past returning, as I remember watching him on Top of the Pops when I was about 3, and he hasn’t really changed.
One thing I realised when writing this (when I’d finished, actually) was if the old is replaced by something as good or better then it’s usually fine (besides losing family members who can’t be replaced) as it’s almost as much about a minimum quality in your life. So when Ben Elton and Harry Hill replaced Peter Sellers, Frankie Howerd and Marty Feldman I didn’t mind much as he was just as good in his own way. But otherwise houses and cars have gone from a dream to a nightmare
(yes, this is what they're building again in the UK, like there weren't enough already...)in my opinion. The worst old houses are now being imitated, whereas the amazing designs from the past in cars have been replaced by computerised designs that pay no attention to appearance, only performance.
Recent changes have been the final loss of Routemaster London buses last month, after almost 46 years of them in my world, and I took many pictures, knowing a few years ago they were on the way out. We still have a few things from my birth, like The Archers on the radio, but few strings now can be traced all the way back to 1980, let alone 1960 or before.
But people are top of my list, and the other thing I realised when writing about it was what makes a person a close friend of mine. They either qualify or they don’t. I will explain. When I was about 14 and suddenly meeting loads of new people after my discovery of clubs and discos, started thinking after a few weeks whether each new person would become a new friend. I couldn’t do a thing about it, they either made it or not. The average time they stayed friends has been 20 years. They mainly drifted away following marriage, a couple went away after leaving school and the final one went abroad exactly 4 years ago. But I met them from firstly my parents, then school, holidays (one every year in particular) and teen discos. I still meet new people but for whatever reasons none have clicked as new friends since the last regular went.
A wife to me was always another and ultimate level, and having none to compare with can only hold this out as an even higher level of person I may find correct or not if it happens. That was the relevance of my childhood experience, as I felt right being with her regardless, no judgement on either side, free to say or do anything and fully understood. I had this again when I was 15 but that was the ‘Vivienne’s fucking bitch from hell of a mother’ story from earlier on. That woman did as much as a person could to ruin my life so anything I call her is only harmless words in comparison, though she isn’t around to read them anyhow. As I said before, one person’s decision.
Old school reunions and friends reunited have helped keep a little thread going to the past, as has seeing my Mum just up the road from where I used to live, and spending lots of time in the area generally. Few of the people are left, including those I worked with (in adjoining buildings) a mile away until 1997. If I had the cash I’d just buy my old place and probably never move again, now I appreciate its total qualities.
My mental and possibly even physical health ought to improve if I’d get back some of these areas in my life, and after leaving my old house have since learned to look at any good things still in my life, big or small, and enjoy them while they’re still here. Some people prefer the new, travelling, different places and people and may never settle down. I see the good in my life, and settle with it. That makes life a lot easier if those things are there as I don’t aspire to more or new, but is a right pisser when they go. And to tie it all up, they are one thing with little or no control over. Like our dreams, even the same one can drift from dream to nightmare and back independently, and whether we realise it’s a dream or not, we are only really witnesses to it. As I said, I do what I can to bring those aspects into my life in every way I can think of, but short of buying a car plant and making the damn things my own way, or the same with houses, and beyond that I’m not going to invent a couple of new friends or make the million I need to move to the old patch or even place. I have exactly the same as we all do, what is. Probably technically fairly average, but when you’ve had the best in nearly every way (short of a partner) you know the difference each part that goes. And returns.
Saturday, January 14, 2006
A bit of fun
Jodie Marsh's artificial parts aside, I realised it was time there was a bit of contrast here or I'll have all my readers looking for a gun...
Looking back to childhood, or the part of childhood (probably about 75%) of me that is still within me, there were many simple things that fascinated and amused me, and to that 75% degree, probably still do. Rude words always worked, not the swear words but the nursery ones, poopoo, biggys, jobs and the like. Reminds me of the recent story from one of my mum's friends when asked by a Nigerian nurse waiting for a stool sample 'Have you had a shit yet?' and replied 'We like to call it something else here, like bowel action'. I don't care what you call it, it's usually funny.
Animals depositing such presents indoors was also highly amusing, whether it was a visiting dog or a friend's cat, like when I was about 14 and my friend's brother walked in the room and said 'The fucking cat's shit in the basin again!'. Life just going slightly out of control for a moment before slipping back to normal. No fun now, as it's usually me who has to clear it up, but back then we could witness it all without a care in the world. Not to say my life's driven by lavatory humour and other bodily functions, at least, not totally. But nature apparently introduced some humour into its unavoidable processes, though most women seem totally immune to it. But this isn't supposed to be yet another psychoanalysis session, though without an outside influence reminding me what I'm writing about it's so easy to slip into it.
We had a great game when I was a bit older, who could make me laugh the most. My friends would think of words and then time how long I laughed for. The two top winners were anal hamburgers and hairy wilburs. Go figure. So what else does the job? When you see anyone you thought was straight and dead boring and then catch them laughing at a fart or blowing their nose on their sleeve. It means they're human, and maybe more people I thought were deadly dull actually had a hidden fun loving side after all if they did.
Other choice phrases that crack me up are things like road apples, donkey drops (bowling in cricket so the ball drops slowly in front of you as if it's come out of a donkey's arse), as well as playground songs like 'It's wet and it's runny and it's not very funny, diarrhea, diarrhea'. To conclude, I will try the laugh test. Be honest, how many of these got at least a snigger, if not a complete hearty belly laugh? If the answer's quite a few, join the poopoo club!
Motions, horse's motions, business, runny business, very runny business, plop plops, horse's plop plop's, donkey dung, caca, pony and trap, budgie poopoo, pigeon poopoo, excreta, droppings, pony cack, mucus, enemas, suppositories, back-scuttle, trots, stinky-poos, let-offs, windy bottoms, loose motions, faeces, big jobs, air biscuit, make wind, winkle, willy, knob, horse's hang-down, whoopsies, pisspots, loo seats, toilet rolls, rectums, number twos, ladies front bottom, smegma, and don't forget to pull the chain.
Apparently I've always been an attention-seeking exhibitionist. My aunty recently told me when I was about 3 her parents were over and busy talking, and I took my willy out and said 'Look at my penis!' as no-one was taking any notice of me. Little has changed, just other things have (usually) taken the place of my penis. You can't escape the mould, however hard you pretend you have.
Looking back to childhood, or the part of childhood (probably about 75%) of me that is still within me, there were many simple things that fascinated and amused me, and to that 75% degree, probably still do. Rude words always worked, not the swear words but the nursery ones, poopoo, biggys, jobs and the like. Reminds me of the recent story from one of my mum's friends when asked by a Nigerian nurse waiting for a stool sample 'Have you had a shit yet?' and replied 'We like to call it something else here, like bowel action'. I don't care what you call it, it's usually funny.
Animals depositing such presents indoors was also highly amusing, whether it was a visiting dog or a friend's cat, like when I was about 14 and my friend's brother walked in the room and said 'The fucking cat's shit in the basin again!'. Life just going slightly out of control for a moment before slipping back to normal. No fun now, as it's usually me who has to clear it up, but back then we could witness it all without a care in the world. Not to say my life's driven by lavatory humour and other bodily functions, at least, not totally. But nature apparently introduced some humour into its unavoidable processes, though most women seem totally immune to it. But this isn't supposed to be yet another psychoanalysis session, though without an outside influence reminding me what I'm writing about it's so easy to slip into it.
We had a great game when I was a bit older, who could make me laugh the most. My friends would think of words and then time how long I laughed for. The two top winners were anal hamburgers and hairy wilburs. Go figure. So what else does the job? When you see anyone you thought was straight and dead boring and then catch them laughing at a fart or blowing their nose on their sleeve. It means they're human, and maybe more people I thought were deadly dull actually had a hidden fun loving side after all if they did.
Other choice phrases that crack me up are things like road apples, donkey drops (bowling in cricket so the ball drops slowly in front of you as if it's come out of a donkey's arse), as well as playground songs like 'It's wet and it's runny and it's not very funny, diarrhea, diarrhea'. To conclude, I will try the laugh test. Be honest, how many of these got at least a snigger, if not a complete hearty belly laugh? If the answer's quite a few, join the poopoo club!
Motions, horse's motions, business, runny business, very runny business, plop plops, horse's plop plop's, donkey dung, caca, pony and trap, budgie poopoo, pigeon poopoo, excreta, droppings, pony cack, mucus, enemas, suppositories, back-scuttle, trots, stinky-poos, let-offs, windy bottoms, loose motions, faeces, big jobs, air biscuit, make wind, winkle, willy, knob, horse's hang-down, whoopsies, pisspots, loo seats, toilet rolls, rectums, number twos, ladies front bottom, smegma, and don't forget to pull the chain.
Apparently I've always been an attention-seeking exhibitionist. My aunty recently told me when I was about 3 her parents were over and busy talking, and I took my willy out and said 'Look at my penis!' as no-one was taking any notice of me. Little has changed, just other things have (usually) taken the place of my penis. You can't escape the mould, however hard you pretend you have.
No answers?
One reason I have discovered I write my blog and post certain questions on forums is hoping I'll find answers to questions of life which relate to apparently insoluble problems.
Tommy Boyd asking reasons has clearly helped raise this answer, and I present him with them as well as out of all the people I've come across, he is one of the few who can see from a higher viewpoint than everyone else, and if anyone has the answers, he's one. All the answers I look for come from a personal and general sense of helplessness over certain circumstances. Some people advertise (and charge heavily) for apparent answers to these, but they are actually answers to how they intend to pay their mortgage.
My research is beginning to point to the result that such answers do not exist. Many people offer direct or indirect suggestions, but none appear tried and tested or are presented with any certainty. So do I curl up in despair at the human condition or keep moving along? Probably a bit of both.
So I am faced with the equivalent of an incurable disease. Life appears to have generated a number of situations that have no direct ways out. They are probably all aspects of the same one, as I was driven more by a general sense of helplessness than any specific points, so have had to try and work out specifics so people can see the areas I mean. It could change and I may have missed some, but these are a few:
A quick direct method to fix depression or anxiety
A way not to be alone
Does life have a point, like a good film, where all the pieces end up fitting together and showing you what it was all about?
Are there people who really know the truth about other dimensions or are they just deluded or lying?
Can you make anyone feel better when they're in trouble, the way doctors can give you a shot for some symptoms? leading to
Why are so many medical symptoms (as opposed to illnesses) untreatable, where doctors say you just have to wait and tough it out?
I think that's a fairly thorough (and depressing) list, and though religions use God to divert the attention from reality, I'll only accept God's direct message and not through a third party. I have plenty of evidence for 'more', but not particuarly of a good nature, just a higher level of abilities. No benevolent influences that keep us out of trouble, stop us getting more than we can handle (old religious cliche), stop us suffering once we've learnt a lesson from it, etc etc.
I feel like a parent with a sick child, where doctors can't help either and the child looks at me for help. Apart from be there, what more can we do, me and the doctor? Like illness, many of these situations (besides the esoteric ones) change over time, but not from any of our doing. Tablets often help mental states, but not instantly.
People who have had near death and out of body experiences are the best source of these answers, as many no longer suffer these conditions having seen what they describe as a parallel world and beings there to help us (though I don't see much evidence of it). They no longer fear death as they believe that was where they go next and therefore not only are they never alone (as they see themselves surrounded by the other side once revealed) they feel safe and contented. It's a definitely real phenomenon as enough people see things elsewhere while stuck in bed, which are verified as soon as they report them. It's usually the devil's own job to achieve at will, as apparently we aren't designed to do this officially, and have to force our awareness away from our bodies over months of practice on average. I wouldn't try drugs personally, unlike Graham Hancock, who advocates a potent brew of extremely nasty stuff as the 'best way' to do it. No Graham, if I want to see the 'other side' I don't intend to do it by almost dying to do it. It may be a direct method but please, drugs are never used unless the side effects are less than the benefits created. If he wants to go through hell to get to heaven that's his choice, I put my tick against his view.
I'm one person in a series of millions now and through history with these questions, and I suppose like the combined searches for God and what happens after death, have found they lie in a dead end. Are my slightly less demanding searches destined to turn up the same result as the big two? I don't have the answer of course, though I suspect it will, I continue to ask others just in case. But then if life was made that easy we'd never have to work for anything, which is one argument life was 'designed' not to be too easy to fix. Sounds like a very hot place to me if that's true, which is a related issue I'd decided as well, but not for this box.
Tommy Boyd asking reasons has clearly helped raise this answer, and I present him with them as well as out of all the people I've come across, he is one of the few who can see from a higher viewpoint than everyone else, and if anyone has the answers, he's one. All the answers I look for come from a personal and general sense of helplessness over certain circumstances. Some people advertise (and charge heavily) for apparent answers to these, but they are actually answers to how they intend to pay their mortgage.
My research is beginning to point to the result that such answers do not exist. Many people offer direct or indirect suggestions, but none appear tried and tested or are presented with any certainty. So do I curl up in despair at the human condition or keep moving along? Probably a bit of both.
So I am faced with the equivalent of an incurable disease. Life appears to have generated a number of situations that have no direct ways out. They are probably all aspects of the same one, as I was driven more by a general sense of helplessness than any specific points, so have had to try and work out specifics so people can see the areas I mean. It could change and I may have missed some, but these are a few:
A quick direct method to fix depression or anxiety
A way not to be alone
Does life have a point, like a good film, where all the pieces end up fitting together and showing you what it was all about?
Are there people who really know the truth about other dimensions or are they just deluded or lying?
Can you make anyone feel better when they're in trouble, the way doctors can give you a shot for some symptoms? leading to
Why are so many medical symptoms (as opposed to illnesses) untreatable, where doctors say you just have to wait and tough it out?
I think that's a fairly thorough (and depressing) list, and though religions use God to divert the attention from reality, I'll only accept God's direct message and not through a third party. I have plenty of evidence for 'more', but not particuarly of a good nature, just a higher level of abilities. No benevolent influences that keep us out of trouble, stop us getting more than we can handle (old religious cliche), stop us suffering once we've learnt a lesson from it, etc etc.
I feel like a parent with a sick child, where doctors can't help either and the child looks at me for help. Apart from be there, what more can we do, me and the doctor? Like illness, many of these situations (besides the esoteric ones) change over time, but not from any of our doing. Tablets often help mental states, but not instantly.
People who have had near death and out of body experiences are the best source of these answers, as many no longer suffer these conditions having seen what they describe as a parallel world and beings there to help us (though I don't see much evidence of it). They no longer fear death as they believe that was where they go next and therefore not only are they never alone (as they see themselves surrounded by the other side once revealed) they feel safe and contented. It's a definitely real phenomenon as enough people see things elsewhere while stuck in bed, which are verified as soon as they report them. It's usually the devil's own job to achieve at will, as apparently we aren't designed to do this officially, and have to force our awareness away from our bodies over months of practice on average. I wouldn't try drugs personally, unlike Graham Hancock, who advocates a potent brew of extremely nasty stuff as the 'best way' to do it. No Graham, if I want to see the 'other side' I don't intend to do it by almost dying to do it. It may be a direct method but please, drugs are never used unless the side effects are less than the benefits created. If he wants to go through hell to get to heaven that's his choice, I put my tick against his view.
I'm one person in a series of millions now and through history with these questions, and I suppose like the combined searches for God and what happens after death, have found they lie in a dead end. Are my slightly less demanding searches destined to turn up the same result as the big two? I don't have the answer of course, though I suspect it will, I continue to ask others just in case. But then if life was made that easy we'd never have to work for anything, which is one argument life was 'designed' not to be too easy to fix. Sounds like a very hot place to me if that's true, which is a related issue I'd decided as well, but not for this box.
Friday, January 13, 2006
Half a day
I had the whole day off today (though I expected one visit later but it was cancelled). I hoped to get most of the stuff back in the new kitchen after being busy Tuesday and Wednesday, did less than an hour, mainly washing up, but as I started taking a few pictures at a local traffic intersection had to upload them, and about 5 hours later I'd barely left the computer all bleeding day, as per...
I think there was some benefit in what I did, as well as getting some new photos on, I discovered tags yesterday purely by chance, and finally tagged my flickr photos and looked at some amazing others in the same areas, including an identical one I took a few years later of St Mary's church in Hendon. Clearly each area has a few of its best views and the locals all discover them sooner or later.
So though a few boxes are lighter around the house, with some pans and larger items washed and put away, the biggest box hasn't even been started on and I still have half the rubbish they left to take out. Man around the house? I need a bloody servant sometimes, (I do once every two weeks but till she comes it's down to me), and as there's room for three people at least in the house I feel cheated having the whole lot to do by myself. But it's only one day in the big picture, and one hope is if something I do builds up, gradually or suddenly, into something professional. I may well have my first offer shortly, after proof reading Nick Roach's book, and getting more mistakes than the rest put together, my course turned out to have a few typos per page, and when I offered to highlight them was told the writer had two books on the go and needed a proof reader. Now that's my kind of work. I can spot a penny in a desert or a five pound note in a box of loose papers, as basically if something is different it stands out for me. Apparently not for everyone, which is why so many mistakes get in books etc. (though I was just shown two in a quiz I made over three years ago. Over 100 people took it and only one person told me they were there.).
I did my own illustrated letter yesterday, and I'll see if it can be read from a photo and post it if it can. It was dire, but at least people can see what I came up with. I really need someone to collaborate with, and not with four legs as that just leaves paw marks over everything. At least...
I think there was some benefit in what I did, as well as getting some new photos on, I discovered tags yesterday purely by chance, and finally tagged my flickr photos and looked at some amazing others in the same areas, including an identical one I took a few years later of St Mary's church in Hendon. Clearly each area has a few of its best views and the locals all discover them sooner or later.
So though a few boxes are lighter around the house, with some pans and larger items washed and put away, the biggest box hasn't even been started on and I still have half the rubbish they left to take out. Man around the house? I need a bloody servant sometimes, (I do once every two weeks but till she comes it's down to me), and as there's room for three people at least in the house I feel cheated having the whole lot to do by myself. But it's only one day in the big picture, and one hope is if something I do builds up, gradually or suddenly, into something professional. I may well have my first offer shortly, after proof reading Nick Roach's book, and getting more mistakes than the rest put together, my course turned out to have a few typos per page, and when I offered to highlight them was told the writer had two books on the go and needed a proof reader. Now that's my kind of work. I can spot a penny in a desert or a five pound note in a box of loose papers, as basically if something is different it stands out for me. Apparently not for everyone, which is why so many mistakes get in books etc. (though I was just shown two in a quiz I made over three years ago. Over 100 people took it and only one person told me they were there.).
I did my own illustrated letter yesterday, and I'll see if it can be read from a photo and post it if it can. It was dire, but at least people can see what I came up with. I really need someone to collaborate with, and not with four legs as that just leaves paw marks over everything. At least...
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Jodie Marsh's nose.
Technically, until Big Brother started last week, I'd never realised who Jodie Marsh was, and all I knew in the brief clips I'd seen was she had a strange nose and appeared to have done nothing to earn her minimal fame. Anyway, it turns out the fame was from undressing in public (could I do it with the same results??) and her nose was weird because it was man made.
Now, seeing her all the time in BB I see she has weird teeth and a weird mouth. I've never had the privilege of seeing her before the surgery, but would imagine if the nose is a result of after, who can imagine what before must have been like? She actually bragged about having her teeth done, as if looking like the first attempt at my grandma's dentures, which had to be dumped, is something to be proud of. That girl is living in her own world and no mistake. Her mouth looks like the poor kids at school who ran into a climbing frame and knocked their top teeth out and cut their upper lip which needed stitching back badly. And her eyes are looking in directions that seem to fight for dominance between them rather than cooperate stereoscopically as nature designed.
Basically, it's the perfect illustration of what a celebrity once said, plastic surgery doesn't make you look good, it makes you look like you've had plastic surgery. Doctors (who are desperately needed for waiting lists) would rather earn millions cutting mainly normal faces to look abnormal, knowing the people look silly but allowing 'choice' to operate as these idiots haven't the brains to realise they come out looking like they were painted by a 5 year old. So some poor sod in Sunderland dies of a heart problem that no one ever finds out about besides friends and family as Jodie Marsh or some other pathetic character has tied up the surgeon making them look like ET.
This world is clearly populated by idiots, bastards that take advantage of them, and the poor sods that have to sit back and watch, their only power in communicating what they see to others. I'm only here now as I had a last minute cancellation. What would I do. Tidy the new kitchen, hoover the mess, or do this? Guess what won, and usually does...
Been there, done that
Ten years ago, palm trees were almost unknown in London, now they are everywhere. Search me...
Adrian Avenue, Staples Corner. Once there was a little row of shops here, including a car custom shop called Little Wolf. One day, probably with the arrival of the new M1 ramp, it disappeared. We now have one of the grubbiest and dodgiest little industrial areas on the planet, and from my intuition more petty crime than actual business taking place. And mind the junkyard just out of sight to the right. Straight out of an episode of Minder... As all the old timers round here say, 'used to be such a nice area...', and as I lived here then I can only agree.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
Trivia
I can't stop the story when it gets ordinary, as most of life is, and there would be lots of gaps otherwise.
I'll just start by saying anyone who takes the piss out of other people's work, just do your own before you criticise others, it's very easy to be an audience but how many audience members dare to go on the stage and perform themselves?
Anyway, wankers abound and I really don't give a flying fuck, life is tough enough on the earth without worrying about crap on a screen as well. Too much Big Brother, all their rude language has crossed into my mind now...
I'm working my way through the usual business we have to, I got my car's final MOT test today, which means I've got a year to get another one. I've had 7 years good service from it, which is a record for me, and as it'll be about 14 years old when it goes I'll survive. So far just about every part of real life has stopped me putting stuff back in the new kitchen, but as I unpack it there's so much crap landed on it every item needs washing before I can put it away, and tomorrow I hope is the day to do it. Unless a woman comes round offering me her body that is. So I'll be doing the kitchen.
On a general point, my blog is the tip of an iceberg of stuff I've been writing since I was 8. My dad gave me a desk diary he didn't need and I drew filthy pictures in it which had me cracking up with laughter, and when that was full I got another one. That was the start of a habit I've had ever since. And with no one in the house for a quarter of my life it keeps me even busier as if I can't talk I write it down, so many ideas I've covered in them have now been formed here. I have actually reached a point where after nearly 40 years I'm running out of things to put in my notebooks as I've covered more or less everything I can think of. But (hard luck guys) I haven't here as though I may have seen it all already, putting it on the internet is its first exposure to daylight as nobody's ever seen my notebooks before, though I expect the millions on sale in every stationery shop on earth means many people like using them, people would really challenge my sanity if they saw them. I obviously write this for the public so have to use just enough discretion to stop me getting beaten or locked up (or both). My notebooks have it all, though I have created some pretty funny stuff messing around in them over the years. By a typical Kingsbury coincidence I just came across a site of illustrated letters, which is a professional style version of the nonsense I do in my notebooks, and will hopefully inspire them to look a bit better in future. This one's the sort of thing I do, minus the collage element. I've now reached the stage where I want to share one so the ideas bounce off each other.
So I take no distance from any pride in what I write, as anyone should if they create something. But I won't ever go as far as rating it, that's not my role, and that counter is vital to every blogger who cares about what they do (and the number are growing if you look), as in any business, paid or not, we like to know it's not a total waste of time and effort. I would have carried on regardless, but knowing it's read is a whole lot better. But if I ever start believing I'm Jesus I'll be the one to say so, I don't need guesses from the gallery.
I'll just start by saying anyone who takes the piss out of other people's work, just do your own before you criticise others, it's very easy to be an audience but how many audience members dare to go on the stage and perform themselves?
Anyway, wankers abound and I really don't give a flying fuck, life is tough enough on the earth without worrying about crap on a screen as well. Too much Big Brother, all their rude language has crossed into my mind now...
I'm working my way through the usual business we have to, I got my car's final MOT test today, which means I've got a year to get another one. I've had 7 years good service from it, which is a record for me, and as it'll be about 14 years old when it goes I'll survive. So far just about every part of real life has stopped me putting stuff back in the new kitchen, but as I unpack it there's so much crap landed on it every item needs washing before I can put it away, and tomorrow I hope is the day to do it. Unless a woman comes round offering me her body that is. So I'll be doing the kitchen.
On a general point, my blog is the tip of an iceberg of stuff I've been writing since I was 8. My dad gave me a desk diary he didn't need and I drew filthy pictures in it which had me cracking up with laughter, and when that was full I got another one. That was the start of a habit I've had ever since. And with no one in the house for a quarter of my life it keeps me even busier as if I can't talk I write it down, so many ideas I've covered in them have now been formed here. I have actually reached a point where after nearly 40 years I'm running out of things to put in my notebooks as I've covered more or less everything I can think of. But (hard luck guys) I haven't here as though I may have seen it all already, putting it on the internet is its first exposure to daylight as nobody's ever seen my notebooks before, though I expect the millions on sale in every stationery shop on earth means many people like using them, people would really challenge my sanity if they saw them. I obviously write this for the public so have to use just enough discretion to stop me getting beaten or locked up (or both). My notebooks have it all, though I have created some pretty funny stuff messing around in them over the years. By a typical Kingsbury coincidence I just came across a site of illustrated letters, which is a professional style version of the nonsense I do in my notebooks, and will hopefully inspire them to look a bit better in future. This one's the sort of thing I do, minus the collage element. I've now reached the stage where I want to share one so the ideas bounce off each other.
So I take no distance from any pride in what I write, as anyone should if they create something. But I won't ever go as far as rating it, that's not my role, and that counter is vital to every blogger who cares about what they do (and the number are growing if you look), as in any business, paid or not, we like to know it's not a total waste of time and effort. I would have carried on regardless, but knowing it's read is a whole lot better. But if I ever start believing I'm Jesus I'll be the one to say so, I don't need guesses from the gallery.
Yay!!!
2000 hits in just under 40 days! OK, about 100 of those are probably mine, but I didn't design the system. But I am impressed and hope it's not, as Tommy Boyd suggested, people I know checking I haven't given out their penis lengths (like I'd know...), mother's maiden names, worst habits, do they match (collars and cuffs), spit or swallow, or any other embarrassing gen I could reveal about them. Like I'd dare... ,
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Credit where it's due
I realised just now I've been a bit hard on myself. I both assumed not earning regular income was an embarrassment and didn't give myself credit for the alternative. As I've just taken my grandma to a hospital appointment, I reminded myself that with a family of two parents (divorced) and a grandma, plus an auntie by marriage, there aren't many people to go round when it comes to helping. My grandpa died in 1998, my grandma's continued to live on her own since then (she hates living with strangers) and from then on I was available to take her shopping and to medical visits where needed, which increased as she approached her 90s. Had I been in a job I doubt I'd have had many chances to, and she also doesn't like minicabs (although she usually drives herself) but when she prefers a lift doesn't want strangers if possible.
Then my stepfather died and I stayed with my mum once a week for over a year and helped her out with shopping etc as well. Last year my grandma had a tumour removed from her kidney, fell over as soon as she returned home, and was back in hospital for a month with a badly bruised hip. She also had to have regular treatment on her kidney after that and spent a few months in altogether. I was naturally happy to visit regularly, but the duration and time she wanted me to stay each visit gradually wore me down, and after the final stay I wasn't well and just ran out of steam in time for her to come home, more or less. That is a side issue as it was my personal reaction to stress and not one I'd assume many others would have.
But the point was, that had I been working, the numerous times my grandma may have had no one else to take her shopping (major supermarket version) as well as my mum (ditto but didn't take so long), hospital appointments and the odd trip to casualty when she fell over. Of course we all do this for our relatives, I did nothing special, but the point is I was available on call to do it, which I wouldn't have had I had a job. As I can pay my bills (though there was period last year when I was close to not being able to) if I had a choice I think the value of being available for many jobs when I was needed was a million times more valuable than working for someone else, helping them make profits for a tiny share and probably wasting half my time doing nothing or helping naughty bosses get out of self-imposed trouble (late payments, missed orders, you know the sort of thing). Been there, done that, expected to do that for 40 years, didn't.
Plus as well as helping my family, being at home has allowed my artistic abilities to bloom, which I doubt would even have occurred to me otherwise until I retired. If I think of something to write, I write it, have a few ready publishers, and both these can lead to far more money than I ever earned working for other people. I did the hard stuff, ie studying to pass courses, worked in various ways using those qualifications, but the potential on top of them from art and writing is far greater, and one I really doubt I'd have had the chance to do if I had a regular job. So sod social norms, guilt, Mike Mendoza and his posse of moronic callers, I was forced by outside circumstances out of regular employment and into helping others and creativity. Not working, unlike the fleet of lorry drivers who turn their switches on and drive for 12 hours a day, while calling the radio with mindless remarks and opinions, often directed at people like me, does not mean not living. When I used to work I rarely wanted to be there, a few jobs were cushy enough and I wondered how I was getting paid for typing numbers in boxes (almost what I'm doing now with letters) but after a couple of months became totally boring. My part time job, all I could get after leaving college second time round, wasn't every day so didn't become so boring, but after five years I wasn't sorry to have to go when business dropped off a bit. I would have done it again and did in another shop but this time it was a new business with no customers away from the main shops and it opened for a week with me there before closing again.
What did I do? I studied again! I had the time, I had two courses beckoning based on waiting for a certain number of years of experience, and rather than waste time and effort looking for work any school leaver could get, I took them both, passed, and tried for a decent job using them. Being a thin profession, only about a job a month came up, and took a year for the first interview. I was one from six, but the youngest candidate got the job who had only just left college! Since then I lost enthusiasm and though hawked my cv up and down shopping centres since then, spoke to various enthusisatic bosses who then never called me back. Destiny, I suspect, a lesson to learn, that just because you don't fit in, if you're harming no one (and preferably doing good) the rest means nothing. No one else's business.
I really need to remind myself of this next time someone has a little dig again, they're just way off the message.
I'm sorry I have to recap so many things for regular readers, as all writers should write each piece as self-contained, meaning new readers needn't go back to catch up what I am talking about. I try and keep repetitions to a minimum, know when I do it, and hope it doesn't get too much in the way.
Then my stepfather died and I stayed with my mum once a week for over a year and helped her out with shopping etc as well. Last year my grandma had a tumour removed from her kidney, fell over as soon as she returned home, and was back in hospital for a month with a badly bruised hip. She also had to have regular treatment on her kidney after that and spent a few months in altogether. I was naturally happy to visit regularly, but the duration and time she wanted me to stay each visit gradually wore me down, and after the final stay I wasn't well and just ran out of steam in time for her to come home, more or less. That is a side issue as it was my personal reaction to stress and not one I'd assume many others would have.
But the point was, that had I been working, the numerous times my grandma may have had no one else to take her shopping (major supermarket version) as well as my mum (ditto but didn't take so long), hospital appointments and the odd trip to casualty when she fell over. Of course we all do this for our relatives, I did nothing special, but the point is I was available on call to do it, which I wouldn't have had I had a job. As I can pay my bills (though there was period last year when I was close to not being able to) if I had a choice I think the value of being available for many jobs when I was needed was a million times more valuable than working for someone else, helping them make profits for a tiny share and probably wasting half my time doing nothing or helping naughty bosses get out of self-imposed trouble (late payments, missed orders, you know the sort of thing). Been there, done that, expected to do that for 40 years, didn't.
Plus as well as helping my family, being at home has allowed my artistic abilities to bloom, which I doubt would even have occurred to me otherwise until I retired. If I think of something to write, I write it, have a few ready publishers, and both these can lead to far more money than I ever earned working for other people. I did the hard stuff, ie studying to pass courses, worked in various ways using those qualifications, but the potential on top of them from art and writing is far greater, and one I really doubt I'd have had the chance to do if I had a regular job. So sod social norms, guilt, Mike Mendoza and his posse of moronic callers, I was forced by outside circumstances out of regular employment and into helping others and creativity. Not working, unlike the fleet of lorry drivers who turn their switches on and drive for 12 hours a day, while calling the radio with mindless remarks and opinions, often directed at people like me, does not mean not living. When I used to work I rarely wanted to be there, a few jobs were cushy enough and I wondered how I was getting paid for typing numbers in boxes (almost what I'm doing now with letters) but after a couple of months became totally boring. My part time job, all I could get after leaving college second time round, wasn't every day so didn't become so boring, but after five years I wasn't sorry to have to go when business dropped off a bit. I would have done it again and did in another shop but this time it was a new business with no customers away from the main shops and it opened for a week with me there before closing again.
What did I do? I studied again! I had the time, I had two courses beckoning based on waiting for a certain number of years of experience, and rather than waste time and effort looking for work any school leaver could get, I took them both, passed, and tried for a decent job using them. Being a thin profession, only about a job a month came up, and took a year for the first interview. I was one from six, but the youngest candidate got the job who had only just left college! Since then I lost enthusiasm and though hawked my cv up and down shopping centres since then, spoke to various enthusisatic bosses who then never called me back. Destiny, I suspect, a lesson to learn, that just because you don't fit in, if you're harming no one (and preferably doing good) the rest means nothing. No one else's business.
I really need to remind myself of this next time someone has a little dig again, they're just way off the message.
I'm sorry I have to recap so many things for regular readers, as all writers should write each piece as self-contained, meaning new readers needn't go back to catch up what I am talking about. I try and keep repetitions to a minimum, know when I do it, and hope it doesn't get too much in the way.
Monday, January 09, 2006
Apology
I didn’t set up this site to become a headmaster, but when evil children start bullying other innocent ones using my name I have no choice.
Attacking people on the internet is so easy. It’s virtually untraceable and we can all do it. But like stealing from a blind man, just because it’s possible and almost impossible to get caught, most people still don’t do it. They can, nothing will probably happen to them if they do, but they have morals.
Now the relative very few who don’t basically won’t care and can’t be taught mostly. But we notice and one by one people will realise and leave you. In the end you’ll be left with a few others around just like you and maybe a few idiots who can’t see it. So you lose in the end.
I can’t teach a cow to write or a horse to do equations, I know words can have no teaching effect at all on this individual. But anyone who attacks innocent people is robbing the blind and this behaviour is that of a psychopath, ie one who isn’t aware of the feelings of other people. Their suffering is impossible to comprehend, and all they are aware of is how they feel themselves and not others. Otherwise it’s impossible for a mature adult to do anything as cruel as what took place earlier today via this site. I think that covers it and I can only publicly apologise to the victim of this disgusting behaviour and hope maybe the perpetrator will find a new hobby that doesn’t involve believed revenge.
Attacking people on the internet is so easy. It’s virtually untraceable and we can all do it. But like stealing from a blind man, just because it’s possible and almost impossible to get caught, most people still don’t do it. They can, nothing will probably happen to them if they do, but they have morals.
Now the relative very few who don’t basically won’t care and can’t be taught mostly. But we notice and one by one people will realise and leave you. In the end you’ll be left with a few others around just like you and maybe a few idiots who can’t see it. So you lose in the end.
I can’t teach a cow to write or a horse to do equations, I know words can have no teaching effect at all on this individual. But anyone who attacks innocent people is robbing the blind and this behaviour is that of a psychopath, ie one who isn’t aware of the feelings of other people. Their suffering is impossible to comprehend, and all they are aware of is how they feel themselves and not others. Otherwise it’s impossible for a mature adult to do anything as cruel as what took place earlier today via this site. I think that covers it and I can only publicly apologise to the victim of this disgusting behaviour and hope maybe the perpetrator will find a new hobby that doesn’t involve believed revenge.
Not today
I thought, as I struggled to think of anything worth adding here, but a habit is a habit, as well as being a bit of a challenge, so here I am.
Most of this is speculation, just like the news when nothing’s really happening, including plans for this week. Apart from a number of boring business arrangements, I’ll be putting things back in my new kitchen units, which are virtually finished besides a few missing bits now on order. On the pure speculation front a message is to be passed to one of my earlier female failures who I hear is now probably single. I don’t think I’ve ever ‘gone back for another go’ with a woman who’s knocked me back, but maybe we can occasionally grow on people over time.
I also just called Tommy Boyd about my blog and he became fixated on the call I made about ethics whether I write about people I know and told to read it. He seems to think along with his sidekick Allison that’s all I do here, when if he’d read it he’d see I rang about one post and it’s something I rarely do. On that front, there’s someone I was also after recently I didn’t mention exactly for that reason. I’d have loved to share it here as it would make great reading, but would have guaranteed fucking up any tiny chance I had if she’d read it. I suppose you can say I own the bare minimum level of discretion, as if not I’d probably have been wearing concrete boots by now.
On the general point, I’d be interested to know if my opinion that I’ve failed in more projects than the average, as it seems that just about every plan I have to improve my lot has stopped short of success, frequently getting nowhere at all. There are various categories, but in common they all depend on other people’s decisions. The biggest, of course, is women. I genuinely believe with women and to a lesser degree everything, that if we want something it stops it coming to us, as I’ve noticed most women who like me are the ones I was only interested in as friends. It seems that a challenge to a man’s indifference is the biggest turn on of all to women, which if God exists he should bloody well be kicked up the arse for, as it means I for one lose every woman I want and only get those I don’t. Great fucking formula, thank you. I even saw this happen in the same person recently, when a woman I’d been friendly with for a while vanished as soon as I decided I may as well go for more. That or the fact I wasn’t going to be converted to Jesus. But that formula is one I can’t use as I can’t turn my indifference on and off (once I’ve succeeded then you don’t need it to keep someone) to exploit the virtually watertight system. OK, it has had a few exceptions, but not for 25 years so apparently applies more to mature women who are looking for more than temporary fun.
Then you have my writing. The odds of anyone accepting articles sent by a nobody is probably zero, so I shouldn’t really include it in my data, but it must happen once in a blue moon. My art is another. I got half way there (so far) by having them acknowledged as worth exhibiting. But unless they sell they haven’t meant enough to anyone to pay for them. The news is a classic example. First of all, politicians are elected by the majority, and in the case of our London mayor, we’ve been stuck with the nearest thing to an eastern European regime (but with western prices) than anyone outside the communist world. Twice. He in turn makes the worst possible decisions (he apparently has no opposition, it’s a true dictatorship as all his decisions go through with no known votes by others). The same reliance on others' choices, though in a more democratic form, applies to governments and any other law makers. We are now heavily stuck with the European Union, probably by one person’s decision. This was because the choice to vote for the Maastricht treaty was a tie, and the speaker voted for it. Had Maastricht failed, the EU may not exist now, and if it did, we may well have been thrown out for voting against it. After that we were tied to it for life.
My final category of other people’s decisions is jobs. That’s an area where merit is a small element, you have to fit their job profile. So you can be a bloody genius, well capable of doing the job, but too highly qualified. You get the picture. And my current jobless situation was never from not bothering, but being turned down or let go (from lack of business, not incompetence). And still is. As a result my anxiety increased to a level where I wasn’t fit to work if I was offered anything, partly from lack of being used to working outside home. Cause and effect. And the decision of one person can change someone’s life in either direction if major enough. For instance, had anyone used one of my articles in a proper newspaper I’d probably have no job worries either, as unless it was considered crap it would tend to open the door for more. And if you’re on a list you are used. If I couldn’t write nobody would publish it, but they do. It just isn’t paid. But like the art gallery, no one’s going to use anything in their place that isn’t good enough, or otherwise I wouldn’t dream of hawking any of my work to the big players. Like novelists and musicians, it’s down to luck, persistence and if you can afford it, promotion. I at least am persistent. The luck may follow, and being on TV will be it if it leads to more business coming my way. So I may turn the corner business wise. That would be completed if it lead to either a contract or regular freelance media work, and in the media once you’re in you’re part of the family.
Then, although much pleasure will also be gained from a successful media career, what I’ll really need is to somehow sort out some level of social and family life. Despite not being perfect (whose is?) when I lived in a nuclear family I was happier than at any other time as whatever suits others that is how I prefer to live. It reduced by a third when my mother decided to go, and I stayed in the same house another 12 years before finally being cast to my own devices totally (I had my own place for years but was free to come and go). I survive and cope, but why survive and cope when you could enjoy home life? Other people again. The biggest decision, do I share my life with someone else? With my experience, having been forced to look for who suits me twice as long as the average person, am now able to accept dozens of women, at least, on a few day’s familiarity. It may go wrong, but it can after knowing someone for years and living together. Big deal. Unless we get married (where I would wait a lot longer) they just move back to their own place. No harm really done, I did this once years ago and it was such a disaster I decided the three week trial (I think) was a disaster and it wasn’t going to continue. But apart from her massive faults, I felt like a real person with a real life for those few weeks which I can’t on my own, and still do again for a few hours when I have visitors.
Currently with a little pile of health problems, the theoretical marriage vows would be in operation from day one, as I’m not up to a lot like I used to be, and can’t tell for how long. I know it wouldn’t bother me if someone wasn’t 100%, and seen many women with men with far worse chronic problems than I have as it’s not something that changes you as a person if you are right for each other. For me being bossy is the greatest turnoff, then airheads (mind me nails!), feminists (no surprise there!), career women (usually bossy as well, like feminists), uncaring, no sense of humour and boring. Boring used to top the list, but I’ve become better at looking at a pretty picture and possibly finding the better conversations elsewhere than I used to be. That meant a number of exes I couldn’t have stuck with as they weren’t very interesting would probably pass now if everything else was OK as they can still converse, and compared to my cat that’s a 1000% improvement (technically infinite, for those pedants reading). Someone else making you a cup of tea is of great value, plus the sentiment behind it that made them want to make it. Helping with housework and shopping adds many points to life’s quality. So good conversation is essential for me, but with all those other factors present could be sought elsewhere as many people are capable of that but little else! To reverse the view, if a woman’s attractive (I have a simple test developed over 40 years!) caring and has a sense of humour, my house is hers. It nowadays takes me a few days on average to make this assessment just as I’ve had to make it thousands of times. I no longer care about intelligence as it’s not essential and often comes at a price (big head). If they can find their way home in the car and know how to fill it with petrol that’s probably enough. My cat can do the first and is pretty good company, and her heart’s in the right place, which I can’t say for every human I know but probably every cat.
Anyway, I think you get the picture, and can work out most of the other categories from there. My main point is we all have projects with varying odds, but I feel in my own case it seems they get fewer results than other people’s. Just a paranoid view maybe, but apparently true from where I am.
Most of this is speculation, just like the news when nothing’s really happening, including plans for this week. Apart from a number of boring business arrangements, I’ll be putting things back in my new kitchen units, which are virtually finished besides a few missing bits now on order. On the pure speculation front a message is to be passed to one of my earlier female failures who I hear is now probably single. I don’t think I’ve ever ‘gone back for another go’ with a woman who’s knocked me back, but maybe we can occasionally grow on people over time.
I also just called Tommy Boyd about my blog and he became fixated on the call I made about ethics whether I write about people I know and told to read it. He seems to think along with his sidekick Allison that’s all I do here, when if he’d read it he’d see I rang about one post and it’s something I rarely do. On that front, there’s someone I was also after recently I didn’t mention exactly for that reason. I’d have loved to share it here as it would make great reading, but would have guaranteed fucking up any tiny chance I had if she’d read it. I suppose you can say I own the bare minimum level of discretion, as if not I’d probably have been wearing concrete boots by now.
On the general point, I’d be interested to know if my opinion that I’ve failed in more projects than the average, as it seems that just about every plan I have to improve my lot has stopped short of success, frequently getting nowhere at all. There are various categories, but in common they all depend on other people’s decisions. The biggest, of course, is women. I genuinely believe with women and to a lesser degree everything, that if we want something it stops it coming to us, as I’ve noticed most women who like me are the ones I was only interested in as friends. It seems that a challenge to a man’s indifference is the biggest turn on of all to women, which if God exists he should bloody well be kicked up the arse for, as it means I for one lose every woman I want and only get those I don’t. Great fucking formula, thank you. I even saw this happen in the same person recently, when a woman I’d been friendly with for a while vanished as soon as I decided I may as well go for more. That or the fact I wasn’t going to be converted to Jesus. But that formula is one I can’t use as I can’t turn my indifference on and off (once I’ve succeeded then you don’t need it to keep someone) to exploit the virtually watertight system. OK, it has had a few exceptions, but not for 25 years so apparently applies more to mature women who are looking for more than temporary fun.
Then you have my writing. The odds of anyone accepting articles sent by a nobody is probably zero, so I shouldn’t really include it in my data, but it must happen once in a blue moon. My art is another. I got half way there (so far) by having them acknowledged as worth exhibiting. But unless they sell they haven’t meant enough to anyone to pay for them. The news is a classic example. First of all, politicians are elected by the majority, and in the case of our London mayor, we’ve been stuck with the nearest thing to an eastern European regime (but with western prices) than anyone outside the communist world. Twice. He in turn makes the worst possible decisions (he apparently has no opposition, it’s a true dictatorship as all his decisions go through with no known votes by others). The same reliance on others' choices, though in a more democratic form, applies to governments and any other law makers. We are now heavily stuck with the European Union, probably by one person’s decision. This was because the choice to vote for the Maastricht treaty was a tie, and the speaker voted for it. Had Maastricht failed, the EU may not exist now, and if it did, we may well have been thrown out for voting against it. After that we were tied to it for life.
My final category of other people’s decisions is jobs. That’s an area where merit is a small element, you have to fit their job profile. So you can be a bloody genius, well capable of doing the job, but too highly qualified. You get the picture. And my current jobless situation was never from not bothering, but being turned down or let go (from lack of business, not incompetence). And still is. As a result my anxiety increased to a level where I wasn’t fit to work if I was offered anything, partly from lack of being used to working outside home. Cause and effect. And the decision of one person can change someone’s life in either direction if major enough. For instance, had anyone used one of my articles in a proper newspaper I’d probably have no job worries either, as unless it was considered crap it would tend to open the door for more. And if you’re on a list you are used. If I couldn’t write nobody would publish it, but they do. It just isn’t paid. But like the art gallery, no one’s going to use anything in their place that isn’t good enough, or otherwise I wouldn’t dream of hawking any of my work to the big players. Like novelists and musicians, it’s down to luck, persistence and if you can afford it, promotion. I at least am persistent. The luck may follow, and being on TV will be it if it leads to more business coming my way. So I may turn the corner business wise. That would be completed if it lead to either a contract or regular freelance media work, and in the media once you’re in you’re part of the family.
Then, although much pleasure will also be gained from a successful media career, what I’ll really need is to somehow sort out some level of social and family life. Despite not being perfect (whose is?) when I lived in a nuclear family I was happier than at any other time as whatever suits others that is how I prefer to live. It reduced by a third when my mother decided to go, and I stayed in the same house another 12 years before finally being cast to my own devices totally (I had my own place for years but was free to come and go). I survive and cope, but why survive and cope when you could enjoy home life? Other people again. The biggest decision, do I share my life with someone else? With my experience, having been forced to look for who suits me twice as long as the average person, am now able to accept dozens of women, at least, on a few day’s familiarity. It may go wrong, but it can after knowing someone for years and living together. Big deal. Unless we get married (where I would wait a lot longer) they just move back to their own place. No harm really done, I did this once years ago and it was such a disaster I decided the three week trial (I think) was a disaster and it wasn’t going to continue. But apart from her massive faults, I felt like a real person with a real life for those few weeks which I can’t on my own, and still do again for a few hours when I have visitors.
Currently with a little pile of health problems, the theoretical marriage vows would be in operation from day one, as I’m not up to a lot like I used to be, and can’t tell for how long. I know it wouldn’t bother me if someone wasn’t 100%, and seen many women with men with far worse chronic problems than I have as it’s not something that changes you as a person if you are right for each other. For me being bossy is the greatest turnoff, then airheads (mind me nails!), feminists (no surprise there!), career women (usually bossy as well, like feminists), uncaring, no sense of humour and boring. Boring used to top the list, but I’ve become better at looking at a pretty picture and possibly finding the better conversations elsewhere than I used to be. That meant a number of exes I couldn’t have stuck with as they weren’t very interesting would probably pass now if everything else was OK as they can still converse, and compared to my cat that’s a 1000% improvement (technically infinite, for those pedants reading). Someone else making you a cup of tea is of great value, plus the sentiment behind it that made them want to make it. Helping with housework and shopping adds many points to life’s quality. So good conversation is essential for me, but with all those other factors present could be sought elsewhere as many people are capable of that but little else! To reverse the view, if a woman’s attractive (I have a simple test developed over 40 years!) caring and has a sense of humour, my house is hers. It nowadays takes me a few days on average to make this assessment just as I’ve had to make it thousands of times. I no longer care about intelligence as it’s not essential and often comes at a price (big head). If they can find their way home in the car and know how to fill it with petrol that’s probably enough. My cat can do the first and is pretty good company, and her heart’s in the right place, which I can’t say for every human I know but probably every cat.
Anyway, I think you get the picture, and can work out most of the other categories from there. My main point is we all have projects with varying odds, but I feel in my own case it seems they get fewer results than other people’s. Just a paranoid view maybe, but apparently true from where I am.
Saturday, January 07, 2006
Favourite songs
While I'm at it, here are my favourite songs (as opposed to instrumentals). I will add as I think of more.
Of course I begin with:
Ag Pleez Deddy- Jeremy Taylor, followed by (in no particular order)
Land of Make believe- Bucks Fizz
Mirrors- Sally Oldfield
Postman's Knock- Ashley Hutchings
Torpedoes- Havana let's go!
Close to you- Carpenters
Listen to what the man said- Paul McCartney and Wings
Coulter's candy- various
Tell my ma- various
Some are well known, others are so obscure you won't even find them on the internet (except my sites). Please add yours below :)
Of course I begin with:
Ag Pleez Deddy- Jeremy Taylor, followed by (in no particular order)
Land of Make believe- Bucks Fizz
Mirrors- Sally Oldfield
Postman's Knock- Ashley Hutchings
Torpedoes- Havana let's go!
Close to you- Carpenters
Listen to what the man said- Paul McCartney and Wings
Coulter's candy- various
Tell my ma- various
Some are well known, others are so obscure you won't even find them on the internet (except my sites). Please add yours below :)
Tested
My budding journalistic abilities are being stretched now, as there's nothing really to report for the last few days besides continuing kitchen work and some of my own, but if I was to take Liz Jones's place as a reporter of life's weekly or more frequent events I'd have to find something every week whatever happened. Now on a related tack, all Liz's marriage problems have led me to decide (and I hope she's reading this, which is possible) I would happily replace the existing man in her life and appreciate her fully. She's great looking, knows how to look after a man, caring and intelligent, and I'm far closer to her age range than her existing man, and would fully appreciate her unlike him, who says he's never been happy while married to her. Silly bugger.
So back to my own report, the kitchen may or not be finished tomorrow. The drawers, as expected, were refunded, but not the cabinet. They squeezed one unit behind the fridge, so it has more storage but can't open the door to get to it. The other spare unit is sitting like a superfluous rectum in the middle of the spare room with no doors or top with, like a second bowel, no apparent usage. Anyway, the convenience of ordering online has to be tempered by the later inconvenience of fucking up the design as you couldn't see the units directly, but that's life.
Otherwise the 'system', as it stands, moves on. A few people I emailed on my previous report haven't and won't reply now. One more is in the process of reading what I sent so that'll wait for a while. I'm calling the TV person next week as I said, which is the big one. Two experts we asked to witness the next alien abductee regression were too busy, and my subject has just invited Uri Geller of all people to come instead. Now I know many things are possible, but if Uri actually comes here to watch someone channeling an alien 90 light years away I will be very impressed and surprised. And yes, I have met him twice already, if you haven't read my celebrity page, so will manage if he can't make it this time!
Well, that's all the Kingsbury news from this week, the gym remains for body building and not a sex life as far as I can tell, though funnily enough after telling people the gym looked like the big brother house (there is a picture months ago but am I going to look for it here?...) and now they've just included one there yesterday. I wanted the people there to try and do a reality programme following us all around for a while watching us do whatever we do, watching the football in the bar on a Sunday afternoon, having tea outside in the summer and whatever else happens there. And the evening events would be just right to have a big brother evening, where the bar is divided up into its two halves and the people in each are given a meal and tasks to do for various rewards while being filmed on a video camera. The place is a very similar design with wall length patio doors and they have already had a blind date evening copying the late TV programme's format, so maybe my suggestion will be picked up when I see one of the bosses next week. And certainly a way to get to know people. This would be a good idea generally for any party but with people deliberately invited who haven't met each other before. It's such an obvious idea it must have been done already but as I haven't come across it maybe I am the first one to think of it.
Anyway, I ran out of philosophy already this week, after supplying more material in a week on it than I usually do in a month. The gate was just open. I'm looking forward to putting everything back in the new cupboards, most are in but with no doors or handles, so I can't yet as they're working on them and they'll get full of sawdust. The old wall and tiles look like shit now, and if I can afford it will have new tiles stuck on the old ones, but the wall's artexed heavily and that's expensive to remove so may just get a coat of paint for now. And if some woman is so impressed by it all she has to come and cook in it, all the better!
So back to my own report, the kitchen may or not be finished tomorrow. The drawers, as expected, were refunded, but not the cabinet. They squeezed one unit behind the fridge, so it has more storage but can't open the door to get to it. The other spare unit is sitting like a superfluous rectum in the middle of the spare room with no doors or top with, like a second bowel, no apparent usage. Anyway, the convenience of ordering online has to be tempered by the later inconvenience of fucking up the design as you couldn't see the units directly, but that's life.
Otherwise the 'system', as it stands, moves on. A few people I emailed on my previous report haven't and won't reply now. One more is in the process of reading what I sent so that'll wait for a while. I'm calling the TV person next week as I said, which is the big one. Two experts we asked to witness the next alien abductee regression were too busy, and my subject has just invited Uri Geller of all people to come instead. Now I know many things are possible, but if Uri actually comes here to watch someone channeling an alien 90 light years away I will be very impressed and surprised. And yes, I have met him twice already, if you haven't read my celebrity page, so will manage if he can't make it this time!
Well, that's all the Kingsbury news from this week, the gym remains for body building and not a sex life as far as I can tell, though funnily enough after telling people the gym looked like the big brother house (there is a picture months ago but am I going to look for it here?...) and now they've just included one there yesterday. I wanted the people there to try and do a reality programme following us all around for a while watching us do whatever we do, watching the football in the bar on a Sunday afternoon, having tea outside in the summer and whatever else happens there. And the evening events would be just right to have a big brother evening, where the bar is divided up into its two halves and the people in each are given a meal and tasks to do for various rewards while being filmed on a video camera. The place is a very similar design with wall length patio doors and they have already had a blind date evening copying the late TV programme's format, so maybe my suggestion will be picked up when I see one of the bosses next week. And certainly a way to get to know people. This would be a good idea generally for any party but with people deliberately invited who haven't met each other before. It's such an obvious idea it must have been done already but as I haven't come across it maybe I am the first one to think of it.
Anyway, I ran out of philosophy already this week, after supplying more material in a week on it than I usually do in a month. The gate was just open. I'm looking forward to putting everything back in the new cupboards, most are in but with no doors or handles, so I can't yet as they're working on them and they'll get full of sawdust. The old wall and tiles look like shit now, and if I can afford it will have new tiles stuck on the old ones, but the wall's artexed heavily and that's expensive to remove so may just get a coat of paint for now. And if some woman is so impressed by it all she has to come and cook in it, all the better!
Friday, January 06, 2006
Do you know what it is yet?
and
and
ag deddy how we miss
and
and
A prize of my everlasting approval for the first person to recognise what this is!
Thursday, January 05, 2006
Comparing lives
I've been reading some blogs which give the distinct impression people do a lot more than I do in the going out department. I ought to do myself justice as most are probably at least ten years younger than me, but can't always help feeling a bit outcast as I am far happier with the quiet life than I used to, and worry some may see me as inadequate. My grandma's posse say I won't meet anyone if I don't go anywhere, which rubs it in as well, but technically at 45 there isn't any particular place to meet anyone besides speed dating, and I meet plenty of pretty impressive women anyway who are either taken or don't want to know. There aren't any easy ways to meet women, and blitzing the dating sites as I do is as good a way as any other where you also have to give up at least an evening and large sum of money, or a whole term if joining a class.
I've been there, done that, and see no opportunities for anything to happen besides pure chance. People go to every event either to learn something or to have fun. Unless it's a singles event (thin on the ground and populated by weirdos) people don't join groups to meet partners. You start off sussing out the women, then eliminate one by ones the ones who are taken, then find the single ones either live in Maidstone or look like Giant Haystacks (before he died, that is). I went to a class for a couple of terms a few years ago, met some good friends there but not a sniff of action besides one woman who may well have been a winner had I not met someone else just after I got her number, and also lived so far away. But there's a chance you can pull at a funeral, interview or any other place where you meet new people. I've met lovely women at both, but can't either keep applying for courses or jobs to pull at interviews or wait for people to die to mingle with the sandwiches afterwards at a funeral looking for a likely target. You can't engineer these things, they just happen by chance, unlike my grandma's view, like my friend in New York's mother, who almost believes, exactly like my grandma, if Ray Charles tried hard enough, maybe he actually could see.
So, there can only be two reasons for my failure to meet anyone (my grandma just pointed out she was concerned when I hit 30 and was still single. So was I...). Either I'm very low scoring on the attraction front, or I'm just darned unlucky. As I have succeeded to attract many of the best women I've seen (in the days we were all available) that can't be right, it was just sabotage by others or myself which stopped them lasting or developing any further. But to tot up the points as any bookie would do, I'm 5'5'', which probably loses 60% of the field, add to that losing my hair, probably another 10%, leaving me with maybe 30% of women who may see me as a possible. Talents and personality do little to affect this, unless I spend months in a hotel playing the piano, which seemed to work for Dudley Moore. One factor I also know is a big turnoff (for no justifiable reason) is living at home with parents, which at least hasn't applied to me for a long time.
Mind you, had I been from a council estate or the like they all seem to pair off at around 16 alomost regardless of appearance, as there is little mentally or socially to distinguish one from another if all they're into is drinking, smoking and possibly petty crime. If you're a bit of an intellectual with strange interests it's going to be a conversation stopper for most women, who'd rather talk about clothes, hair and at worst have a bloke that hits them. Believe me, I may exaggerate for literary effect but behind the huge generalisations I've done my research. The more ordinary and conventional you are the easier it is to fit in with the masses of similar others. So if I'd have been unqualified, hard drinking, smoking working and spitting I probably would have had little interest in more than a decent looking woman prepared to cook my dinner and have sex on a regular basis. Of course, this still applies, but with added conversation, which eliminates most of the others. But I reckon I am still somehow destined to have missed out, and all these speculations may not have made any difference to my success. And I'm not interested in changing either. I like all the things that make me different, whatever the effects. I'd only get back to perfect health like most people would prefer, though I do come across disabled people who say they wouldn't want to be cured. But it takes all sorts...
Added to my other attempts I trawled Friends Reunited in case any of the class and quality females from the past were still single, but none were, and many were also abroad. Whatever stories you hear about that site nothing happened to me.
But I will accept that not being that bothered about going out as most people are is bound to get in the way, and I have done my best to compromise when I have been out with anyone female. How I feel about that depends on my health as well of course, but on top of everything else if I am having problems doing what most men do when they start dating that isn't going to be a lot of help either. But I did see a poem recently (which I cut out and instantly lost) where a woman said she wanted to meet a man so they could stay in together. I've been out to every possible event besides bungee jumping (though I did watch for a while wondering whether to try) and it's all been done before. I'm far happier now being with a few nice people as I was over the holidays, and just chilling out (what would I have said before such a dreadful phrase entered the language?) at home.
So here's the case for and against me, I tried not to leave any factor out and really can't think of any more elements that would handicap me compared to other men, the job factor seems to be both less important than others, and one I needn't reveal for ages as being 'self employed'(or technically unemployed) unless they follow me around for a few days wouldn't be able to tell. Plus few women I meet seem to mind when they do know. I reckon the fact I pay for them is far more important to them however I get it than if I earned a lot and didn't. Cupboard love has got to feature as well as status, and to me it's better to be well qualified and capable of doing clever stuff than stuck in the sort of job I did when I was at school for life. And maybe I judge myself more harshly here than anyone besides grandma, and she's only trying to help...
I've been there, done that, and see no opportunities for anything to happen besides pure chance. People go to every event either to learn something or to have fun. Unless it's a singles event (thin on the ground and populated by weirdos) people don't join groups to meet partners. You start off sussing out the women, then eliminate one by ones the ones who are taken, then find the single ones either live in Maidstone or look like Giant Haystacks (before he died, that is). I went to a class for a couple of terms a few years ago, met some good friends there but not a sniff of action besides one woman who may well have been a winner had I not met someone else just after I got her number, and also lived so far away. But there's a chance you can pull at a funeral, interview or any other place where you meet new people. I've met lovely women at both, but can't either keep applying for courses or jobs to pull at interviews or wait for people to die to mingle with the sandwiches afterwards at a funeral looking for a likely target. You can't engineer these things, they just happen by chance, unlike my grandma's view, like my friend in New York's mother, who almost believes, exactly like my grandma, if Ray Charles tried hard enough, maybe he actually could see.
So, there can only be two reasons for my failure to meet anyone (my grandma just pointed out she was concerned when I hit 30 and was still single. So was I...). Either I'm very low scoring on the attraction front, or I'm just darned unlucky. As I have succeeded to attract many of the best women I've seen (in the days we were all available) that can't be right, it was just sabotage by others or myself which stopped them lasting or developing any further. But to tot up the points as any bookie would do, I'm 5'5'', which probably loses 60% of the field, add to that losing my hair, probably another 10%, leaving me with maybe 30% of women who may see me as a possible. Talents and personality do little to affect this, unless I spend months in a hotel playing the piano, which seemed to work for Dudley Moore. One factor I also know is a big turnoff (for no justifiable reason) is living at home with parents, which at least hasn't applied to me for a long time.
Mind you, had I been from a council estate or the like they all seem to pair off at around 16 alomost regardless of appearance, as there is little mentally or socially to distinguish one from another if all they're into is drinking, smoking and possibly petty crime. If you're a bit of an intellectual with strange interests it's going to be a conversation stopper for most women, who'd rather talk about clothes, hair and at worst have a bloke that hits them. Believe me, I may exaggerate for literary effect but behind the huge generalisations I've done my research. The more ordinary and conventional you are the easier it is to fit in with the masses of similar others. So if I'd have been unqualified, hard drinking, smoking working and spitting I probably would have had little interest in more than a decent looking woman prepared to cook my dinner and have sex on a regular basis. Of course, this still applies, but with added conversation, which eliminates most of the others. But I reckon I am still somehow destined to have missed out, and all these speculations may not have made any difference to my success. And I'm not interested in changing either. I like all the things that make me different, whatever the effects. I'd only get back to perfect health like most people would prefer, though I do come across disabled people who say they wouldn't want to be cured. But it takes all sorts...
Added to my other attempts I trawled Friends Reunited in case any of the class and quality females from the past were still single, but none were, and many were also abroad. Whatever stories you hear about that site nothing happened to me.
But I will accept that not being that bothered about going out as most people are is bound to get in the way, and I have done my best to compromise when I have been out with anyone female. How I feel about that depends on my health as well of course, but on top of everything else if I am having problems doing what most men do when they start dating that isn't going to be a lot of help either. But I did see a poem recently (which I cut out and instantly lost) where a woman said she wanted to meet a man so they could stay in together. I've been out to every possible event besides bungee jumping (though I did watch for a while wondering whether to try) and it's all been done before. I'm far happier now being with a few nice people as I was over the holidays, and just chilling out (what would I have said before such a dreadful phrase entered the language?) at home.
So here's the case for and against me, I tried not to leave any factor out and really can't think of any more elements that would handicap me compared to other men, the job factor seems to be both less important than others, and one I needn't reveal for ages as being 'self employed'(or technically unemployed) unless they follow me around for a few days wouldn't be able to tell. Plus few women I meet seem to mind when they do know. I reckon the fact I pay for them is far more important to them however I get it than if I earned a lot and didn't. Cupboard love has got to feature as well as status, and to me it's better to be well qualified and capable of doing clever stuff than stuck in the sort of job I did when I was at school for life. And maybe I judge myself more harshly here than anyone besides grandma, and she's only trying to help...
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
I really shouldn't but...
There isn't a bad or wrong time to blog, as like everything else in life, you can't wait till things are tidy before doing whatever you're doing. Life doesn't stop for anything else to fit in, so that's why I'm here now despite having nothing clear going on to report.
My kitchen fitter is finishing his first day, I was available for a few hours to put units together but by then he'd done so many it was quicker for him to carry on than let me learn from scratch. I put a few screws in and that was it, but was able to help remove the old kitchen so wasn't totally wasted being around. As I ordered online there were misunderstandings. On the profit I ordered three very expensive drawers for a unit that had them already (not advertised). They are still unpacked and returning for a swap. The loss side was for whatever reason, I ended up with an extra base unit. We only realised when we fitted them all in on the diagram once built and realised what was a base unit had been changed for two half units with drawers in one but I ordered both. I now have a £38 base unit constructed but with no doors or worktops, totally useless at present. We'll see if anyone comes up with a solution for that and hope there's no trouble exchanging the boxed drawers for other items. But by Monday it'll all be in and at worst I'll have an incomplete unit gathering moss in the garage for another ten years.
I called Clive Bull last night with my new video message, and he was actually very impressed with youtube.com who host free video clips. I also got my link out again on the radio, which is always a great way of adding readers.
In the next few days I'm calling the TV company who hoped to have the transmission date at last, and am going to stay with my Dad tonight to keep out of the way. So everything's in the middle and in the air, and like any good tv series leaves everyone waiting to know how it turns out.
Links are really weird. I wanted to move the webcam link to the sidebar as well as the video greeting, and all I can think is blogger have disabled all video functions deliberately for an unknown reason, but pornography is a leading theory. So because people are tempted to expose their genitals on webcams, I don't get to link mine. Great. Youtube bans nudity, but I found some (without looking, thank you), and all I can think is it has to be post-moderated (you can tell I spend too much time online...) and the bosses get to see all the willies and poonanis before they delete them (after saving them to my documents...). As it's not illegal to share pornography online I assume they ban it in free sites as they can get far more dosh by hosting paid porn sites. I was very tempted to get adsense from Google on here, as I'd get paid for doing sod all. I don't know how much you get but I assume it's based on hits and I'm quite pleased with my numbers. But it seems like selling out, and if even one reader says 'Ugh, it's got ads', even if they're only round the edges, I'd rather have them back than the money.
I also did my html tag from memory today, if this sentence stays in after the preview, then I got it right! I'm off to the gym now to catch up on two missed weeks as it was closed for most of the holidays, I was back on Monday and just about everyone I know was there at the same time for the same reason, and it was good to see everyone again. Finally I left a comment as well but if Robert Woolley reads this please send me an email so I can talk about Kingsbury. It's a bit like being at school (please see me after the lesson) but as I have no other way if I don't say it here he won't get the message at all.
So the story has been a bit of everything, but that reflects life exactly as it is, and though I preferred to wait till a story was finished it's more literary to do it as it happens in real time. Today blogspot, tomorrow the Mail on Sunday. Think big, it may happen.
My kitchen fitter is finishing his first day, I was available for a few hours to put units together but by then he'd done so many it was quicker for him to carry on than let me learn from scratch. I put a few screws in and that was it, but was able to help remove the old kitchen so wasn't totally wasted being around. As I ordered online there were misunderstandings. On the profit I ordered three very expensive drawers for a unit that had them already (not advertised). They are still unpacked and returning for a swap. The loss side was for whatever reason, I ended up with an extra base unit. We only realised when we fitted them all in on the diagram once built and realised what was a base unit had been changed for two half units with drawers in one but I ordered both. I now have a £38 base unit constructed but with no doors or worktops, totally useless at present. We'll see if anyone comes up with a solution for that and hope there's no trouble exchanging the boxed drawers for other items. But by Monday it'll all be in and at worst I'll have an incomplete unit gathering moss in the garage for another ten years.
I called Clive Bull last night with my new video message, and he was actually very impressed with youtube.com who host free video clips. I also got my link out again on the radio, which is always a great way of adding readers.
In the next few days I'm calling the TV company who hoped to have the transmission date at last, and am going to stay with my Dad tonight to keep out of the way. So everything's in the middle and in the air, and like any good tv series leaves everyone waiting to know how it turns out.
Links are really weird. I wanted to move the webcam link to the sidebar as well as the video greeting, and all I can think is blogger have disabled all video functions deliberately for an unknown reason, but pornography is a leading theory. So because people are tempted to expose their genitals on webcams, I don't get to link mine. Great. Youtube bans nudity, but I found some (without looking, thank you), and all I can think is it has to be post-moderated (you can tell I spend too much time online...) and the bosses get to see all the willies and poonanis before they delete them (after saving them to my documents...). As it's not illegal to share pornography online I assume they ban it in free sites as they can get far more dosh by hosting paid porn sites. I was very tempted to get adsense from Google on here, as I'd get paid for doing sod all. I don't know how much you get but I assume it's based on hits and I'm quite pleased with my numbers. But it seems like selling out, and if even one reader says 'Ugh, it's got ads', even if they're only round the edges, I'd rather have them back than the money.
I also did my html tag from memory today, if this sentence stays in after the preview, then I got it right! I'm off to the gym now to catch up on two missed weeks as it was closed for most of the holidays, I was back on Monday and just about everyone I know was there at the same time for the same reason, and it was good to see everyone again. Finally I left a comment as well but if Robert Woolley reads this please send me an email so I can talk about Kingsbury. It's a bit like being at school (please see me after the lesson) but as I have no other way if I don't say it here he won't get the message at all.
So the story has been a bit of everything, but that reflects life exactly as it is, and though I preferred to wait till a story was finished it's more literary to do it as it happens in real time. Today blogspot, tomorrow the Mail on Sunday. Think big, it may happen.
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
Watch me on video
I linked this on the sidebar but it wouldn't work, so for now this is how to watch me on video.
Though the link comes up otherwise for some reason it doesn't hook in to the image file. I'll work on it...
Though the link comes up otherwise for some reason it doesn't hook in to the image file. I'll work on it...
Monday, January 02, 2006
Teaching?
One of the side issues of writing here is the possible element of teaching. Technically I can’t know if I teach anyone anything new unless they tell me. But most of my life I’ve been aware of noticing things not many others do. Having the blog at my disposal now means I can share these areas as they become relevant, and though another writer told me there’s nothing new in the world, it doesn’t mean many people are aware of much of it. So only by one person at a time telling me if I allowed them to look at the world in a new and more useful way will I know if I have any teaching role here at all.
I also realised how I manage to turn out so much material regardless what has or hasn’t happened, it’s because I’d saved up 44 years of information and experiences when I started this, so am really writing stuff saved up all my life I didn’t have a chance to share like this.
I could look back at all my archives for specific examples of useful information, which would only be to create an academic case for it, but instead wait till any new information comes in, and point it out then. There are various themes, including direct communication and finding more direct ways of doing things than we use now. But I also appear in total contrast to manage to find a series of questions I’ve posed to the cleverest people I know, and seem simply not to have answers. Humans may be designed not to have direct ways of achieving certain aims, but rely on grace, ie total chance. I wonder if there a few rare individuals who have natural abilities that may disprove at least one of my theories here, and if I ever find one I’ll know what I thought was impossible couldn’t be. There are very expensive courses advertised claiming short cuts to these very areas of success, and I’ve invested in a few just in case they were genuine. They are divided into either common sense and indirect supernatural methods. The common sense is nothing new so not original or valuable, the supernatural are usually so complicated and time consuming I didn’t bother to try them long as it would take over half your life trying a method which may well have no effect at all.
However, on the plus side, I have researched many routes to success and happiness, and some do exactly what they say on the box. Well, one mainly, meditation. I went on my ‘Knowledge’ course in 1996, which took some time over a year of preparation. As I was desperate to meditate instead of just waiting till I learnt at the end of the course I looked for any other way while I was waiting, and found each method worked on different parts of the mind and body. Knowledge meditation is probably the best and most comprehensive, but takes longer each day and I let it drift after a couple of years as the results were very erratic. Barry Long’s complex cassette, freely available, is called ‘Start meditating now’, and for anyone who doesn’t want to study every week for months can buy this and get going immediately. Getting a wee bit technical, there are two areas meditation affects, the consciousness and the kundalini. This is the power that when awoken will develop you into a superhuman, and is an extension of sexual energy. Overlaps are probably covered by each method, working a proportion on each, but the effects are very clear if you know what to look for. Kundalini is the basis of much of yoga, but totally overlooked in non-dualism and knowledge. But as I know kundalini is real but not enlightenment, I can’t dismiss it as an element of self-improvement as it takes little time and effort to raise it enough to know you have. Mantra meditation is effective as well, but long users tend not to show the changes I see using the others. It seems to work easily and quickly but doesn’t go very far.
What other areas can I think of? Sex? I will say one thing I know about sex is it’s the best treatment for any problem, and those who say it isn’t are missing out big time. By culturally learning to restrict sex women and governments are using a powerful method to control and squash the people they want to. Women enjoy sex as much as men, often more simply as they can’t lose energy from it as men inevitably do unless they practice tantra. But to them it’s a privilege not an act of pleasure. They tend to be told from an early age it’s wrong to enjoy sex, and nowadays at least to be very restrictive who and when they have it with. It’s not natural though. Girls and boys awaken sexually the same way, but boys aren’t told it’s wrong so look like the baddies as they have unrestricted desires. Girls on the other hand are kept in, told off, and most parents brainwash them as much as possible not to do it for as long as possible, and then only if you really have to. I don’t mean intercourse here, but all sexual contact. Religions are the worst offenders of course, but even atheists pick up the same cultural crap and means there’s an imbalance by the age of consent where boys already find it very difficult to crowbar an experience out of a girl, except for the few in each community who appear to get it all, but that’s the exception. I genuinely feel this is a totally learned imbalance, where mental twists are built over tens of years for the men who don’t have such an easy run as others, and end up with all sorts of psychological problems. And not only men. Going against your nature as a woman can catch up in subtle ways which may well not even be obviously connected to sex, but just as troublesome. Women who didn’t have sex before marriage often end up being totally lost to begin with when they do marry, and then feel very annoyed they missed out for so long when they were free to try it with more men. Affairs happen, marriages break up and there are all the unnecessary consequences purely as women are told by most of society they are to ration any sexual contact.
Of course, if you’re a heterosexual, it takes one of each to have sex, and now women have discovered they can enjoy it as well (which happened in my lifetime around 1965, apparently) there is no reason, I repeat, no reason why women should feel it’s wrong, dirty, embarrassing, degrading or any other negative to enjoy something we were all designed to do. I’m definitely not being original here as the whole formula has been given in the books ‘Conversations with God’. The simple formula for those who believe in God is: If we are God’s children, would he give his children toys to play with that were dangerous? Of bloody course not!
The restrictions religion and society put on every aspect of sex between consenting adults is purely to keep them down. Why? Because if the people are happy, balanced, content and stable they will tend not to be desperate enough to fear foreigners, criminals, and all the other things politicians want us to hate so we’ll vote for them to fix it (which they don’t do). They won’t be so easy to control as how can you promise a better world to people that already have a good one? It does make sense. And by making people feel guilty for a biological equivalent of breathing the power of evil forces will rise by making the masses beg for forgiveness (catholics and beyond). Really, it’s all a load of bollocks. Animals (as we are) do not riot, kill each other in the same species (usually) or go on drugs as they have sex freely. Humans are the only animals with any sexual hang-ups at all, with absolutely no need. Sex and violence. More double speak. Funny how all the fascists like Mary Whitehouse always put these two things together. What about ‘Love and cancer’, ‘Food and heroin?’ You see where I’m going? The two things, using a method called remote hypnosis, are put together as if they must be connected. Violence is never good, sex rarely, if at all isn’t, if chosen to do by both parties. Being a therapist I am party to enough inside information to prove this with no doubt at all. Children who are rare enough to grow up in a family with no problem around sex enjoy it all their lives with no related hang-ups.
The only thing I can have above Neale Donald Walsch was that by the time he wrote his book, meant to be the direct word of God, I’d had these views for a long time already. His formula of God only giving his children safe toys to play with was the best sentence to sum it all up, but the ideas were mine long before he published them!
So, the test is in the practice. If anything I write makes someone look at something in a different way and it actually helps, I am a teacher. Last time I wrote about sex I got an angry (apparent) feminist calling me all the tired stereotypical names from the 70s, as I dared to say women ought to go into sexual activity more freely than they do. I see more of a personal experience behind that opinion than anything academic, and as all I was saying there is ‘Men and women both get an equally good experience from sexual activity so why do women need to make it such a big deal?’, and society has done more to pretend this isn’t true, for many negative reasons, anything else people read in is their agenda and not mine. It’s such a simple message and as I didn’t design human beings one only based on my observations on what was created, and one pretty easy to test.
If the logic I present removes or prevents guilt in a single woman, or allows a woman to ‘let go’ and allow her man a little more, then I will have succeeded. One person can’t change the world, but one person at a time. And ideas are so deeply held changing one is a miracle in itself.
I also realised how I manage to turn out so much material regardless what has or hasn’t happened, it’s because I’d saved up 44 years of information and experiences when I started this, so am really writing stuff saved up all my life I didn’t have a chance to share like this.
I could look back at all my archives for specific examples of useful information, which would only be to create an academic case for it, but instead wait till any new information comes in, and point it out then. There are various themes, including direct communication and finding more direct ways of doing things than we use now. But I also appear in total contrast to manage to find a series of questions I’ve posed to the cleverest people I know, and seem simply not to have answers. Humans may be designed not to have direct ways of achieving certain aims, but rely on grace, ie total chance. I wonder if there a few rare individuals who have natural abilities that may disprove at least one of my theories here, and if I ever find one I’ll know what I thought was impossible couldn’t be. There are very expensive courses advertised claiming short cuts to these very areas of success, and I’ve invested in a few just in case they were genuine. They are divided into either common sense and indirect supernatural methods. The common sense is nothing new so not original or valuable, the supernatural are usually so complicated and time consuming I didn’t bother to try them long as it would take over half your life trying a method which may well have no effect at all.
However, on the plus side, I have researched many routes to success and happiness, and some do exactly what they say on the box. Well, one mainly, meditation. I went on my ‘Knowledge’ course in 1996, which took some time over a year of preparation. As I was desperate to meditate instead of just waiting till I learnt at the end of the course I looked for any other way while I was waiting, and found each method worked on different parts of the mind and body. Knowledge meditation is probably the best and most comprehensive, but takes longer each day and I let it drift after a couple of years as the results were very erratic. Barry Long’s complex cassette, freely available, is called ‘Start meditating now’, and for anyone who doesn’t want to study every week for months can buy this and get going immediately. Getting a wee bit technical, there are two areas meditation affects, the consciousness and the kundalini. This is the power that when awoken will develop you into a superhuman, and is an extension of sexual energy. Overlaps are probably covered by each method, working a proportion on each, but the effects are very clear if you know what to look for. Kundalini is the basis of much of yoga, but totally overlooked in non-dualism and knowledge. But as I know kundalini is real but not enlightenment, I can’t dismiss it as an element of self-improvement as it takes little time and effort to raise it enough to know you have. Mantra meditation is effective as well, but long users tend not to show the changes I see using the others. It seems to work easily and quickly but doesn’t go very far.
What other areas can I think of? Sex? I will say one thing I know about sex is it’s the best treatment for any problem, and those who say it isn’t are missing out big time. By culturally learning to restrict sex women and governments are using a powerful method to control and squash the people they want to. Women enjoy sex as much as men, often more simply as they can’t lose energy from it as men inevitably do unless they practice tantra. But to them it’s a privilege not an act of pleasure. They tend to be told from an early age it’s wrong to enjoy sex, and nowadays at least to be very restrictive who and when they have it with. It’s not natural though. Girls and boys awaken sexually the same way, but boys aren’t told it’s wrong so look like the baddies as they have unrestricted desires. Girls on the other hand are kept in, told off, and most parents brainwash them as much as possible not to do it for as long as possible, and then only if you really have to. I don’t mean intercourse here, but all sexual contact. Religions are the worst offenders of course, but even atheists pick up the same cultural crap and means there’s an imbalance by the age of consent where boys already find it very difficult to crowbar an experience out of a girl, except for the few in each community who appear to get it all, but that’s the exception. I genuinely feel this is a totally learned imbalance, where mental twists are built over tens of years for the men who don’t have such an easy run as others, and end up with all sorts of psychological problems. And not only men. Going against your nature as a woman can catch up in subtle ways which may well not even be obviously connected to sex, but just as troublesome. Women who didn’t have sex before marriage often end up being totally lost to begin with when they do marry, and then feel very annoyed they missed out for so long when they were free to try it with more men. Affairs happen, marriages break up and there are all the unnecessary consequences purely as women are told by most of society they are to ration any sexual contact.
Of course, if you’re a heterosexual, it takes one of each to have sex, and now women have discovered they can enjoy it as well (which happened in my lifetime around 1965, apparently) there is no reason, I repeat, no reason why women should feel it’s wrong, dirty, embarrassing, degrading or any other negative to enjoy something we were all designed to do. I’m definitely not being original here as the whole formula has been given in the books ‘Conversations with God’. The simple formula for those who believe in God is: If we are God’s children, would he give his children toys to play with that were dangerous? Of bloody course not!
The restrictions religion and society put on every aspect of sex between consenting adults is purely to keep them down. Why? Because if the people are happy, balanced, content and stable they will tend not to be desperate enough to fear foreigners, criminals, and all the other things politicians want us to hate so we’ll vote for them to fix it (which they don’t do). They won’t be so easy to control as how can you promise a better world to people that already have a good one? It does make sense. And by making people feel guilty for a biological equivalent of breathing the power of evil forces will rise by making the masses beg for forgiveness (catholics and beyond). Really, it’s all a load of bollocks. Animals (as we are) do not riot, kill each other in the same species (usually) or go on drugs as they have sex freely. Humans are the only animals with any sexual hang-ups at all, with absolutely no need. Sex and violence. More double speak. Funny how all the fascists like Mary Whitehouse always put these two things together. What about ‘Love and cancer’, ‘Food and heroin?’ You see where I’m going? The two things, using a method called remote hypnosis, are put together as if they must be connected. Violence is never good, sex rarely, if at all isn’t, if chosen to do by both parties. Being a therapist I am party to enough inside information to prove this with no doubt at all. Children who are rare enough to grow up in a family with no problem around sex enjoy it all their lives with no related hang-ups.
The only thing I can have above Neale Donald Walsch was that by the time he wrote his book, meant to be the direct word of God, I’d had these views for a long time already. His formula of God only giving his children safe toys to play with was the best sentence to sum it all up, but the ideas were mine long before he published them!
So, the test is in the practice. If anything I write makes someone look at something in a different way and it actually helps, I am a teacher. Last time I wrote about sex I got an angry (apparent) feminist calling me all the tired stereotypical names from the 70s, as I dared to say women ought to go into sexual activity more freely than they do. I see more of a personal experience behind that opinion than anything academic, and as all I was saying there is ‘Men and women both get an equally good experience from sexual activity so why do women need to make it such a big deal?’, and society has done more to pretend this isn’t true, for many negative reasons, anything else people read in is their agenda and not mine. It’s such a simple message and as I didn’t design human beings one only based on my observations on what was created, and one pretty easy to test.
If the logic I present removes or prevents guilt in a single woman, or allows a woman to ‘let go’ and allow her man a little more, then I will have succeeded. One person can’t change the world, but one person at a time. And ideas are so deeply held changing one is a miracle in itself.
Sunday, January 01, 2006
New year ramblings
Just a quick review of recent events, non events, thoughts and anything else the wind blows in and out of my mind. I had a few friends over last night which was very nice, and despite my own apparently unhealthy addiction (like information, creation and friendship is a bad thing) to the computer, one spent hours looking up information and another saw all my photos and checked his friends on friends reunited. Approve or not, it's only like a library on a screen where you can join in as well. If I spent hours a day in a library no one would complain, so why the computer? And before the internet I'd sometimes sit in the reference library doing exactly what I do now, and then when it did come I'd sit there on the internet, which would confuse most critics deciding whether it was good or bad if I did both, like telling the Irishman/Belgian/Pole (I won't discriminate!) to stand in a dustbin and piss in the corner.
New year's visitors (and me).
Then I rang Charlie Wolf on Talk Sport, who was taking calls straight to air and said he wanted some music, and I managed to get through and sing 'Ag Pleez deddy' on national radio. I rarely speak to him, partly as he's on so late and partly the extortionate charges on that station, and I once hung on for over two hours (without getting put on) which cost over £6 for absolutely nothing, and they earned about half of that for the privilege.
I've apparently solved my email problem, by hook or crook my experiments finally discovered it was NTLs own crap software that had appeared to solve it after up to an hour of waiting, which as soon as shut down allowed outlook express to work perfectly! Stupid buggers. I was told to leave their software well alone and now I realise why. It may have kept the viruses out but reproduces the same symptoms itself, plus the bloody machine's been freezing all week, though the cat's multiple button press may have been reponsible just before it started happening... Is that possible?
Despite being an artificial number, it's good to get 2005 out of the way. Not a logical reaction but genuine. Few if any plans now, apart from calling Discovery TV for the date next week, I can only hope it's out by then as I've waited almost ten months and though I knew the rough timescale it's been dragged out too far now. Normal media operation, but when it's your first time so it's all or nothing it's a big deal. Of course the new kitchen arrives next week, which will fuck up my life totally for a week, but worth it in the end. I hope it goes more smoothly than I imagine currently. I only have two official digital camera trips to make, which will become easier once the days get longer. Otherwise the years ahead will be a total mystery but hopefully not as repetitive as the previous few have been.
Finally, my (realistic) hopes for 2006. I hope I'll meet a few more friends from the internet, gradually more Londoners are arriving so possible to see in person, unlike the usual random distribution in the past. Of course I hope to sell at least my first painting and do plenty more. I hope to get to football again, Barnet have been in the league since August but due to unreliable health I hadn't risked going yet, but that's one thing I'd like to do as I waited four years for them to be promoted back to the league. If the new magazine does materialise (not as predictable as the TV programme) if that could lead me to writing for somewhere paid I may actually have a working career again and then no one would be able to criticse me! It is strange that when the criminals and evil bastards who are either successful in life or simply lead ordinary lives where few people know what else they do gain full approval of the sheep who only look at the surface picture. I used to argue with our school secretary (one of the many older women I'd have done anything to get busy with, but that's off the point) as she bemoaned the fact the teachers no longer had to wear suits and ties etc., and I said all the best con men wear posh clothes to (I didn't express this bit) get the confidence of idiots like her. Looking at the surface is such a waste of time as you only see the packaging and completely overlook what's inside. Having a job seems to carry so much weight with the average member of respectable sheep society, and the multitude of qualities that exist behind that are relatively unnoticed or unconsidered as their gauge of approval is founded on whether you have a job or not. A criminal record, unrecorded crimes and general bad behaviour will only be considered if they are discovered, which few people are likely to advertise, where it's pretty hard to pretend you have a job when you haven't for very long. It's like any other 'failing' like alcoholism, mental illness or the like, where you can create a screen of falsehood for a while so when you meet a new person you divert attention for as long as you can from it until hopefully by the time it comes out they know you well enough not to mind. It's such a shame people need to do this.
In another situation which catches me more and more, as the suitable ones are so rare, there are women I know as friends, and a few are really hot, single but unsuitable in some way (according to society). Therefore I string out my approaches, taking five to ten times as long preparing the ground of a friendship before I try to take it to the next stage as I really have to make sure they are ready and possibly willing for it before I frighten them and the sky falls in. Despite our all being single and available, the elements that make it 'unsuitable', such as age, mixing business with pleasure etc. None illegal or unprofessional or any other genuine reason, just fucking inconvenient. So I creep around like a stalking cat in the garden, waiting and pacing around for months, gradually letting the odd hint go to see if it gets picked up, will they have another date with me as a friend, etc. So far each one of them has wimped out at some stage along the line before anything was even openly attempted. I reckon female intuition meant they picked up hints I hadn't even made, realised I wanted more than the friendship, and jumped ship. Forget the fact they lost a perfectly good friendship just because they were too wet to face the situation and talk about it, they'd rather just lose the lot. The closest I got was a married woman on holiday years ago who was humming and haahing whether to come to the end of holiday disco with me, but the fact her son was with her meant there would be too much chance of getting caught, but I believe that was the one case I had a genuine chance. The others were dead as soon as we met as the issue that made it complicated killed it off for them automatically, and whatever I was like and tried with them, the door was never open, but it took me a whole process of checking to find out. You can't just not even try, as not every woman thinks in the box, assuming whatever rules and regulations society currently prefers are fixed and unbreakable. I know a few unconventional people exist as I see them around, so sooner or later one of these unsuitable (on paper) women has to disagree with the prevailing attitudes as I do, so I have to try every one of them in case. If it's right nothing will stop it, look at all the married people who still meet new partners and leave their husbands and wives, Apart from the rare occasions in the past I don't waste my time if someone's taken as though 'other people' say it happens all the time, in my experience I think it's pretty rare, and possibly some of these 'people it happens to' are lying. I began as trusting, as I am always open with people and didn't realise how much people make up (especially as there's no point in it, as if it didn't happen it didn't happen). There's also enough in everyone's life to be interesting without creating a false parallel one as so many do. But once you catch a few people out you realise it's a whole separate area of non-information, and if something doesn't feel right to me, it may not be. So all these stories of extra marital affairs I hear the whole time may be sad people who wish it would happen but rarely dare to, or even try but don't manage to get anyone else. My own attempts at any woman with a partner, married or not, tell me that though of course it is perfectly realistic for bad marriages (as they invariably are) to allow new people in, and I have met couples where one was married to someone else, it's probably far less common than we're led to believe, and fabrication is the only explanation I can think of as the vast majority of partnerships are as watertight as anything can be, and even if one may consider playing away, few would dare to do it.
So in my educated world, couples would be left to stay couples, but singles, regardless of 'paper suitability', would have few reasons to avoid people not on their official list, and most importantly of all, be able to speed the process up where it was quite all right to see a woman (or vice versa) a few times as a friend and be able to say you want more with no heart attacks. My time is just as valuable as everyone else and I can't stand faffing around for months waiting and waiting to soften up a woman who 90 per cent of the time has made up her mind about me in the first ten seconds, like buying a house. If they were on the 'official list', ie I'd met at a party or disco or (god forbid) agency, then the usual few dates and pounce formula I've finely honed over the last 35 years would operate and in a good few examples would succeed. But in the 'sensitive' ones, however much I'd like to do that, I reckon that though nearly every person consciously or subconsciously decides a yes or no very quickly, I have to string it out and prepare them so slowly as I have to overcome all the negative blocks society has put in between us before they'd possibly get to know me so well any of that would have passed. I think that would be the only possible way to overcome such circumstances, but wish I could save so much time pursuing long shots by 'getting on with it' by direct speech. It would never improve my chances, just save me time and let me forget about them instead of having the possibility on my mind for months even though in reality it will probably never happen.
So, a short message, if two single people like each other, but society believes they shouldn't, ignore them and enjoy. How many opportunities do we get to meet someone right in life at all? How many people lose someone who is and then realise how rare and lucky they were to meet them? So if it happens, use it, make something from it, as whatever others expect, it's for the two of you, and don't avoid a relationship as it seems strange. You'll be hurting two people, not just one, especially if years down the line (as I have as well) you realise what you've let go. Not a pretty scenario. As I say, end of sermon.
New year's visitors (and me).
Then I rang Charlie Wolf on Talk Sport, who was taking calls straight to air and said he wanted some music, and I managed to get through and sing 'Ag Pleez deddy' on national radio. I rarely speak to him, partly as he's on so late and partly the extortionate charges on that station, and I once hung on for over two hours (without getting put on) which cost over £6 for absolutely nothing, and they earned about half of that for the privilege.
I've apparently solved my email problem, by hook or crook my experiments finally discovered it was NTLs own crap software that had appeared to solve it after up to an hour of waiting, which as soon as shut down allowed outlook express to work perfectly! Stupid buggers. I was told to leave their software well alone and now I realise why. It may have kept the viruses out but reproduces the same symptoms itself, plus the bloody machine's been freezing all week, though the cat's multiple button press may have been reponsible just before it started happening... Is that possible?
Despite being an artificial number, it's good to get 2005 out of the way. Not a logical reaction but genuine. Few if any plans now, apart from calling Discovery TV for the date next week, I can only hope it's out by then as I've waited almost ten months and though I knew the rough timescale it's been dragged out too far now. Normal media operation, but when it's your first time so it's all or nothing it's a big deal. Of course the new kitchen arrives next week, which will fuck up my life totally for a week, but worth it in the end. I hope it goes more smoothly than I imagine currently. I only have two official digital camera trips to make, which will become easier once the days get longer. Otherwise the years ahead will be a total mystery but hopefully not as repetitive as the previous few have been.
Finally, my (realistic) hopes for 2006. I hope I'll meet a few more friends from the internet, gradually more Londoners are arriving so possible to see in person, unlike the usual random distribution in the past. Of course I hope to sell at least my first painting and do plenty more. I hope to get to football again, Barnet have been in the league since August but due to unreliable health I hadn't risked going yet, but that's one thing I'd like to do as I waited four years for them to be promoted back to the league. If the new magazine does materialise (not as predictable as the TV programme) if that could lead me to writing for somewhere paid I may actually have a working career again and then no one would be able to criticse me! It is strange that when the criminals and evil bastards who are either successful in life or simply lead ordinary lives where few people know what else they do gain full approval of the sheep who only look at the surface picture. I used to argue with our school secretary (one of the many older women I'd have done anything to get busy with, but that's off the point) as she bemoaned the fact the teachers no longer had to wear suits and ties etc., and I said all the best con men wear posh clothes to (I didn't express this bit) get the confidence of idiots like her. Looking at the surface is such a waste of time as you only see the packaging and completely overlook what's inside. Having a job seems to carry so much weight with the average member of respectable sheep society, and the multitude of qualities that exist behind that are relatively unnoticed or unconsidered as their gauge of approval is founded on whether you have a job or not. A criminal record, unrecorded crimes and general bad behaviour will only be considered if they are discovered, which few people are likely to advertise, where it's pretty hard to pretend you have a job when you haven't for very long. It's like any other 'failing' like alcoholism, mental illness or the like, where you can create a screen of falsehood for a while so when you meet a new person you divert attention for as long as you can from it until hopefully by the time it comes out they know you well enough not to mind. It's such a shame people need to do this.
In another situation which catches me more and more, as the suitable ones are so rare, there are women I know as friends, and a few are really hot, single but unsuitable in some way (according to society). Therefore I string out my approaches, taking five to ten times as long preparing the ground of a friendship before I try to take it to the next stage as I really have to make sure they are ready and possibly willing for it before I frighten them and the sky falls in. Despite our all being single and available, the elements that make it 'unsuitable', such as age, mixing business with pleasure etc. None illegal or unprofessional or any other genuine reason, just fucking inconvenient. So I creep around like a stalking cat in the garden, waiting and pacing around for months, gradually letting the odd hint go to see if it gets picked up, will they have another date with me as a friend, etc. So far each one of them has wimped out at some stage along the line before anything was even openly attempted. I reckon female intuition meant they picked up hints I hadn't even made, realised I wanted more than the friendship, and jumped ship. Forget the fact they lost a perfectly good friendship just because they were too wet to face the situation and talk about it, they'd rather just lose the lot. The closest I got was a married woman on holiday years ago who was humming and haahing whether to come to the end of holiday disco with me, but the fact her son was with her meant there would be too much chance of getting caught, but I believe that was the one case I had a genuine chance. The others were dead as soon as we met as the issue that made it complicated killed it off for them automatically, and whatever I was like and tried with them, the door was never open, but it took me a whole process of checking to find out. You can't just not even try, as not every woman thinks in the box, assuming whatever rules and regulations society currently prefers are fixed and unbreakable. I know a few unconventional people exist as I see them around, so sooner or later one of these unsuitable (on paper) women has to disagree with the prevailing attitudes as I do, so I have to try every one of them in case. If it's right nothing will stop it, look at all the married people who still meet new partners and leave their husbands and wives, Apart from the rare occasions in the past I don't waste my time if someone's taken as though 'other people' say it happens all the time, in my experience I think it's pretty rare, and possibly some of these 'people it happens to' are lying. I began as trusting, as I am always open with people and didn't realise how much people make up (especially as there's no point in it, as if it didn't happen it didn't happen). There's also enough in everyone's life to be interesting without creating a false parallel one as so many do. But once you catch a few people out you realise it's a whole separate area of non-information, and if something doesn't feel right to me, it may not be. So all these stories of extra marital affairs I hear the whole time may be sad people who wish it would happen but rarely dare to, or even try but don't manage to get anyone else. My own attempts at any woman with a partner, married or not, tell me that though of course it is perfectly realistic for bad marriages (as they invariably are) to allow new people in, and I have met couples where one was married to someone else, it's probably far less common than we're led to believe, and fabrication is the only explanation I can think of as the vast majority of partnerships are as watertight as anything can be, and even if one may consider playing away, few would dare to do it.
So in my educated world, couples would be left to stay couples, but singles, regardless of 'paper suitability', would have few reasons to avoid people not on their official list, and most importantly of all, be able to speed the process up where it was quite all right to see a woman (or vice versa) a few times as a friend and be able to say you want more with no heart attacks. My time is just as valuable as everyone else and I can't stand faffing around for months waiting and waiting to soften up a woman who 90 per cent of the time has made up her mind about me in the first ten seconds, like buying a house. If they were on the 'official list', ie I'd met at a party or disco or (god forbid) agency, then the usual few dates and pounce formula I've finely honed over the last 35 years would operate and in a good few examples would succeed. But in the 'sensitive' ones, however much I'd like to do that, I reckon that though nearly every person consciously or subconsciously decides a yes or no very quickly, I have to string it out and prepare them so slowly as I have to overcome all the negative blocks society has put in between us before they'd possibly get to know me so well any of that would have passed. I think that would be the only possible way to overcome such circumstances, but wish I could save so much time pursuing long shots by 'getting on with it' by direct speech. It would never improve my chances, just save me time and let me forget about them instead of having the possibility on my mind for months even though in reality it will probably never happen.
So, a short message, if two single people like each other, but society believes they shouldn't, ignore them and enjoy. How many opportunities do we get to meet someone right in life at all? How many people lose someone who is and then realise how rare and lucky they were to meet them? So if it happens, use it, make something from it, as whatever others expect, it's for the two of you, and don't avoid a relationship as it seems strange. You'll be hurting two people, not just one, especially if years down the line (as I have as well) you realise what you've let go. Not a pretty scenario. As I say, end of sermon.
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