I remember so many times when I went to my mum and others after a week or so and they asked what I'd been doing I had to admit 'nothing special'. That was after around a week, and now somehow I come here almost every day and manage to drag something into the picture I think is worth repeating. I think it's just a nearer focus than any difference in my life and I actually do far less now than I used to as well.
Today was average, no pressing work as I've already done what I had to this week, I cycled to a nice new little grocer's near me as it was a sunny day, came home, added more photos on flickr from yesterday's trip, and then had a friend over. I then went to my grandma's after dropping my friend nearby, and had to phone LBC for the second time today to announce my TV details for what is now today. My grandma asked if I got straight through as she thought Bob the operator may have been off having a cup of tea. As soon as I did it was Clive, the presenter, who said Bob had gone for a cup of tea. I said that's amazing, as my grandma just guessed that. Clive said, "What, you've got a grandma? But you're quite old" Yes, I said, she's 96 and sitting next to me. She's been listening to LBC since it started (in 1973) but has never called even though I've asked her to. "Can I say hello to her?" "No" she said from her chair. "Go on" I said, just say hello to Clive. Amazingly, she then took the phone. Last year a 95 year old rang and asked if she was the oldest caller, and grandma considered phoning but didn't, and now I've finally got her to call. Of course she was on in the studio some 15 years ago with my grandpa who was a musician, but never as a caller. I'm glad she finally made it as I do mention her on the radio sometimes.
So, one more night before the event I've waited for for most of my life and dreamt about as well. The appearance is enough, but if I get a call or hear from someone I used to know from it it will all be a bonus. Full report tomorrow.
Friday, March 03, 2006
TV appearance today!
Details for UK satellite and cable viewers
Discovery Science channel
Friday 3rd March
7am
3pm
8pm
1am
Ten ways to be abducted by aliens. My TV speaking debut.
Discovery Science channel
Friday 3rd March
7am
3pm
8pm
1am
Ten ways to be abducted by aliens. My TV speaking debut.
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Bored
Maybe I'm nearing enlightenment. I can see the need to feel something interesting as the day has passed less and less has been happening. I am now bored stiff, nothing on TV, done the internet since I came home from taking photos, and the only person I spoke to was my neighbour who came to collect a parcel.
I put my 'get a life' scenario to the forums, and eventually got a couple of the sort of comments I was referring to, which illustrated it perfectly. But sadly the sort of people who say and think it aren't going to change, but at least I can make everyone else aware of them and ready for any nonsense they talk.
Otherwise it's all systems wait here. I finished proof reading a book today so that's another job done, the tablets have no side effects and seem to help so that's good, but even with my health getting better boredom can happen to everyone unless they're enlightened. You feel what's behind the usual feelings (whatever that is) and apparently prefer it to the chaos you had before. I'm sure I would. Of course the boredom is very temporary, and could be replaced by any other feeling at any time, but that's the whole point, why be caught up in that endless whirlpool, if there's a way out I'm heading for it.
Any other plans are non-existent at present. I think I more or less completed my digital photo list today, and as flickr only give you 200 photos was nearing my limit as well. Of course I still see unplanned scenes worth taking, but I haven't got anywhere nice or interesting enough to take pictures to bore everyone else with as well. For the places I do take, I exclude 99%. Like my women! The difference is the places have no choice and the women do...
Not wanting to stop while I'm behind, there must be a positive as well as the current level of not much. Being self centred (as accused by one without the sense to know the concept) is only because I am alone with no one else to inspire me. So all I see is my own world as no one else's crosse mine from day to day. That's not worthy of criticism as you might as well criticise Tristan Da Cunha for being remote. If life puts you in a position you react to it. It's not who or what I am, it's what life has done for me right now. If that changes of course I will. I'm not born self centred. And sometimes you are forced to advertise your achievements. I help a lot of troubled people, both for work and people I meet elsewhere. I know I help as they tell me and thank me for it. In life if you piss off two people a year and help fifty, fuck the two, if you didn't hurt them physically (which I never do). Who pleases everyone the whole time? And those who make the most noise regarding others are the ones who contribute the least to life as all they do is make trouble.
Nothing productive can come from a 'bad attitude', as the victim is always just that, and it turns the one with the attitude to a mindless bully who hasn't even got the level of introspection to realise that's all they are.
I have given up trying to reform the unreformable, and just talk about it to save others from worrying if it ever happens around them, as many do. It's their problem and not yours, and sooner or later someone in their immediate circle with less patience and tolerance will either verbally or physically wallop them, they will still believe they weren't in the wrong but at least they'll get a bloody good kicking for it one way or another. And it will. These guys can't turn it on and off, and sooner or later will meet their match, and watch out when they do.
I put my 'get a life' scenario to the forums, and eventually got a couple of the sort of comments I was referring to, which illustrated it perfectly. But sadly the sort of people who say and think it aren't going to change, but at least I can make everyone else aware of them and ready for any nonsense they talk.
Otherwise it's all systems wait here. I finished proof reading a book today so that's another job done, the tablets have no side effects and seem to help so that's good, but even with my health getting better boredom can happen to everyone unless they're enlightened. You feel what's behind the usual feelings (whatever that is) and apparently prefer it to the chaos you had before. I'm sure I would. Of course the boredom is very temporary, and could be replaced by any other feeling at any time, but that's the whole point, why be caught up in that endless whirlpool, if there's a way out I'm heading for it.
Any other plans are non-existent at present. I think I more or less completed my digital photo list today, and as flickr only give you 200 photos was nearing my limit as well. Of course I still see unplanned scenes worth taking, but I haven't got anywhere nice or interesting enough to take pictures to bore everyone else with as well. For the places I do take, I exclude 99%. Like my women! The difference is the places have no choice and the women do...
Not wanting to stop while I'm behind, there must be a positive as well as the current level of not much. Being self centred (as accused by one without the sense to know the concept) is only because I am alone with no one else to inspire me. So all I see is my own world as no one else's crosse mine from day to day. That's not worthy of criticism as you might as well criticise Tristan Da Cunha for being remote. If life puts you in a position you react to it. It's not who or what I am, it's what life has done for me right now. If that changes of course I will. I'm not born self centred. And sometimes you are forced to advertise your achievements. I help a lot of troubled people, both for work and people I meet elsewhere. I know I help as they tell me and thank me for it. In life if you piss off two people a year and help fifty, fuck the two, if you didn't hurt them physically (which I never do). Who pleases everyone the whole time? And those who make the most noise regarding others are the ones who contribute the least to life as all they do is make trouble.
Nothing productive can come from a 'bad attitude', as the victim is always just that, and it turns the one with the attitude to a mindless bully who hasn't even got the level of introspection to realise that's all they are.
I have given up trying to reform the unreformable, and just talk about it to save others from worrying if it ever happens around them, as many do. It's their problem and not yours, and sooner or later someone in their immediate circle with less patience and tolerance will either verbally or physically wallop them, they will still believe they weren't in the wrong but at least they'll get a bloody good kicking for it one way or another. And it will. These guys can't turn it on and off, and sooner or later will meet their match, and watch out when they do.
Local views 3
More new photos from Hampstead Garden Suburb. I may not afford to live there, but I can go and get as many views as I want and look at them from here...
Dreams come true
Looking at the kitchen pictures, I realised I'd easily made my kitchen dream come true, as physical things can usually be produced at a price.
Now I have had many incredible dreams all my life, let's see what I can do making them real.
Being with my wife, twice. Two occasions, two wives. One led me from the initial meeting to sex to pregnancy to birth to large family within minutes. The second was meeting and then being with as a married couple, and a totally different person. But if any sod asks me what's so great about love and marriage (as some do) even in a dream I knew it was a level above anything I have now.
The places I've visited make most of this planet look like a poor part of East London in comparison (actually that covers all of it...). But these are buildings, and can easily be created here, as I did in a wooden model of one. And another that was designed by my favourite architect, Sir Norman Foster, only to be abandoned before building. And it was in the same place I saw it. I have the brochure now for a development that literally only existed in a dream.
So, my wish is to bring the people from dreams here just like the things and places (which can be built by anyone with a plan) already. But you can't order a wife at Block and Quayle (work it out), and over the internet, noch. One way is to imagine you're in a dream, and have specific dream powers. Then you just know you can do it and choose your effect and bingo.
Otherwise maybe if you get into the higher flow you will bring about that which you are after by raising your level to creation.
I expect there are a lot of unknown (as yet) twists and turns in what we know as 'reality', and the coincidences I see all the time are the pointers. Next I need to get in the matrix of it and start pulling strings myself rather than be just watching. Adepts are (mythical?) people who have done this and now make the scenery rather than just find themselves in it as most of us do now.
I've possibly been building up to this unknowingly for some time, and having seen the possibility am now ready to walk through the door and start doing the business.
But definitely, whatever you may or may not notice, there seems to be an invisible network behind what we see as random life, and I'm beginning to notice what could be happening behind the scenes. Somehow you just seem to 'get it'. I will see.
Now I have had many incredible dreams all my life, let's see what I can do making them real.
Being with my wife, twice. Two occasions, two wives. One led me from the initial meeting to sex to pregnancy to birth to large family within minutes. The second was meeting and then being with as a married couple, and a totally different person. But if any sod asks me what's so great about love and marriage (as some do) even in a dream I knew it was a level above anything I have now.
The places I've visited make most of this planet look like a poor part of East London in comparison (actually that covers all of it...). But these are buildings, and can easily be created here, as I did in a wooden model of one. And another that was designed by my favourite architect, Sir Norman Foster, only to be abandoned before building. And it was in the same place I saw it. I have the brochure now for a development that literally only existed in a dream.
So, my wish is to bring the people from dreams here just like the things and places (which can be built by anyone with a plan) already. But you can't order a wife at Block and Quayle (work it out), and over the internet, noch. One way is to imagine you're in a dream, and have specific dream powers. Then you just know you can do it and choose your effect and bingo.
Otherwise maybe if you get into the higher flow you will bring about that which you are after by raising your level to creation.
I expect there are a lot of unknown (as yet) twists and turns in what we know as 'reality', and the coincidences I see all the time are the pointers. Next I need to get in the matrix of it and start pulling strings myself rather than be just watching. Adepts are (mythical?) people who have done this and now make the scenery rather than just find themselves in it as most of us do now.
I've possibly been building up to this unknowingly for some time, and having seen the possibility am now ready to walk through the door and start doing the business.
But definitely, whatever you may or may not notice, there seems to be an invisible network behind what we see as random life, and I'm beginning to notice what could be happening behind the scenes. Somehow you just seem to 'get it'. I will see.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
New kitchen!
As a number of people have expressed interest, here's my new kitchen. Gaps will be filled...
Monday, February 27, 2006
Get a life!
Monday, 6.36pm David is at the computer.
Busy today, new hoover arrived as a present (old one heats up like a radiator and then cuts out) and the builder finally finished my kitchen after almost two months of intermittent visits. There's still a few bits missing as described before, but there will be no more drilling, banging or painting for a long time. And it looks amazing.
The doctor has put me on various tablets for the anxiety which had almost stopped me in my tracks at times. How the body can react to its environment when hostile by shutting down to protect you from it is the sort of design fault you'd expect from an old Bulgarian car. Search me the intelligence that's supposed to design us that so many people actually worship. If I get to heaven I'll worship, while I'm here it's me against the world and sometimes no paddle.
Otherwise all that trouble often made me feel guilty for the things I wasn't doing. So a lot of the time even when I was doing something perfectly productive I felt I should be doing something more active as I knew I couldn't any more. The mind gives you the potential criticisms of others, in their worst forms, in advance, almost as a preparation for the real ones. They come and go, including disbelief, anger, disappointment and judgement, as if a mental illness is one you choose and can choose to overcome, in the words of my friend schadenfreude, if you 'just tried hard enough' (his mother and my grandma's apparent view). So the blind and paralysed could so easily see and walk (including those who were born without the ability) if only they put just a bit more effort into it.
Sounds crazy, doesn't it. Well that's no different for expecting someone to avoid a panic attack or depression. No difference from the other side, just as real as a temperature or a broken leg, and if you don't know, you are so lucky!
There was a second theme that spun of from this one for me I thought I'd add next. People who say 'get a life'. What exactly does that mean? Is it the same for everyone who says it, or has each person who commands you have a different expectation for the intended pupil? Anyway, what exactly is 'a life?'
I have a list of my grandma's opinion (seems pretty typical of such views) of what 'normal' people do, and I will add that up till recently I did many if not all of these.
Go to restaurants
Go on holidays
Go to the cinema
Go to clubs
Work full time
I'll add a few more of what I can think of so I don't miss too many,
Look after yourself
Travel on public transport
Study something
Create something useful or attractive
Do all you can to find a partner
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
OK, how many people would tick every one (besides the partner if they already have one) ? And does anyone actually care?
I don't. When I was very young I did judge people for not being 'normal' (I was brought up in that sort of environment except for my parents, so hardly a surprise) but soon learnt the error of my ways and only minded my own business. But many people didn't, and little digs or open statements why I don't 'do what everyone else does' are really nobody else's problem. And if I don't want to do these things (mainly as I have done quite enough for now) it's not mine either.
I don't think it's possible not to have a life if you're not in a coma. Each life is unique and changes from moment to moment. If you're not happy, then it's a problem. But people comparing an 'ideal for 2006' model with yours and finding you sadly lacking shows it's them that need therapy, not you. I've already said a 45 year old can't be compared with a 25 year old. You can't cram much into 25 years however hard you try, especially when half that time may be used up by studying in my own case. The only thing I miss out on is company, both around the house and female.
I have done and got more or less everything else (going TV in 4 days and counting down). My health is the only factor that needs to be OK and I will be. Remembering the support of the family environment, with minor illnesses I was still happy enough knowing they were around to look after me (and vice versa when I was old enough). Though I may have to repeat old points for newer readers, when I had a friend who was living alone but didn't work when I still was doing the opposites, I respected her far more for what I considered a full-time position, compared to my relatively easy life, going to work, coming home, and finding a meal on the table and the house clean. Not any more...
But give brownie points for each element in someone's life? Who died and made you in charge? Please! If people allowed everyone to do their thing if it didn't hurt them then the stress in many areas of life would lessen greatly. And believe me, any sod who does score full marks in the 'judgement scale', God help you the day something happens and it all gets washed away like a sandcastle. Who'll be judging you then? As Buddha says, don't build your house on shifting sands. If you base your opinion on something temporary, it won't be reliable, trust me. Whatever you have may only be for now. And don't take too much credit for it either. You didn't really make it and certainly won't be responsible if it gets taken away. It doesn't really work by our choices.
Busy today, new hoover arrived as a present (old one heats up like a radiator and then cuts out) and the builder finally finished my kitchen after almost two months of intermittent visits. There's still a few bits missing as described before, but there will be no more drilling, banging or painting for a long time. And it looks amazing.
The doctor has put me on various tablets for the anxiety which had almost stopped me in my tracks at times. How the body can react to its environment when hostile by shutting down to protect you from it is the sort of design fault you'd expect from an old Bulgarian car. Search me the intelligence that's supposed to design us that so many people actually worship. If I get to heaven I'll worship, while I'm here it's me against the world and sometimes no paddle.
Otherwise all that trouble often made me feel guilty for the things I wasn't doing. So a lot of the time even when I was doing something perfectly productive I felt I should be doing something more active as I knew I couldn't any more. The mind gives you the potential criticisms of others, in their worst forms, in advance, almost as a preparation for the real ones. They come and go, including disbelief, anger, disappointment and judgement, as if a mental illness is one you choose and can choose to overcome, in the words of my friend schadenfreude, if you 'just tried hard enough' (his mother and my grandma's apparent view). So the blind and paralysed could so easily see and walk (including those who were born without the ability) if only they put just a bit more effort into it.
Sounds crazy, doesn't it. Well that's no different for expecting someone to avoid a panic attack or depression. No difference from the other side, just as real as a temperature or a broken leg, and if you don't know, you are so lucky!
There was a second theme that spun of from this one for me I thought I'd add next. People who say 'get a life'. What exactly does that mean? Is it the same for everyone who says it, or has each person who commands you have a different expectation for the intended pupil? Anyway, what exactly is 'a life?'
I have a list of my grandma's opinion (seems pretty typical of such views) of what 'normal' people do, and I will add that up till recently I did many if not all of these.
Go to restaurants
Go on holidays
Go to the cinema
Go to clubs
Work full time
I'll add a few more of what I can think of so I don't miss too many,
Look after yourself
Travel on public transport
Study something
Create something useful or attractive
Do all you can to find a partner
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
OK, how many people would tick every one (besides the partner if they already have one) ? And does anyone actually care?
I don't. When I was very young I did judge people for not being 'normal' (I was brought up in that sort of environment except for my parents, so hardly a surprise) but soon learnt the error of my ways and only minded my own business. But many people didn't, and little digs or open statements why I don't 'do what everyone else does' are really nobody else's problem. And if I don't want to do these things (mainly as I have done quite enough for now) it's not mine either.
I don't think it's possible not to have a life if you're not in a coma. Each life is unique and changes from moment to moment. If you're not happy, then it's a problem. But people comparing an 'ideal for 2006' model with yours and finding you sadly lacking shows it's them that need therapy, not you. I've already said a 45 year old can't be compared with a 25 year old. You can't cram much into 25 years however hard you try, especially when half that time may be used up by studying in my own case. The only thing I miss out on is company, both around the house and female.
I have done and got more or less everything else (going TV in 4 days and counting down). My health is the only factor that needs to be OK and I will be. Remembering the support of the family environment, with minor illnesses I was still happy enough knowing they were around to look after me (and vice versa when I was old enough). Though I may have to repeat old points for newer readers, when I had a friend who was living alone but didn't work when I still was doing the opposites, I respected her far more for what I considered a full-time position, compared to my relatively easy life, going to work, coming home, and finding a meal on the table and the house clean. Not any more...
But give brownie points for each element in someone's life? Who died and made you in charge? Please! If people allowed everyone to do their thing if it didn't hurt them then the stress in many areas of life would lessen greatly. And believe me, any sod who does score full marks in the 'judgement scale', God help you the day something happens and it all gets washed away like a sandcastle. Who'll be judging you then? As Buddha says, don't build your house on shifting sands. If you base your opinion on something temporary, it won't be reliable, trust me. Whatever you have may only be for now. And don't take too much credit for it either. You didn't really make it and certainly won't be responsible if it gets taken away. It doesn't really work by our choices.
Saturday, February 25, 2006
What a week...
Well well, two blogs- I now have a Funtrivia blog as well as this, but the two will hardly overlap as this is the raw material straight from the hip, and Funtrivia is a private site with rules, regulations and hundreds of friends participating. But it's interesting having two different areas to contribute to, and I'm sure I'll get to know a load more people there (as we all will) as a result of the new blogs, which have proved incredibly popular.
So, back to this one. It's been a pretty dead week. Apart from getting the bare minimum of little jobs done and managing some nice walks when it hasn't been stormy weather it wasn't a particularly mentionable week events wise. Nick Roach has been helping me through some of my blockages, especially saying enlightenment can be felt in a basic way when feeling what's here and now, and by staying there it can deepen. That makes sense to me, and even though I rarely feel anything special feeling here and now, the thoughts do slow and sometimes a peace and detachment takes over. So I will do more and do it more often.
One phenomenon I've seen, an extension of reading things reported in books, is the internet reportation phenomenon. It has to be checked before it becomes more important what we can report about our lives online than what actually happens. The balance is easy to switch but not realistic as who wants to live primarily on a screen? It's easy to slip into with hundreds of times more people seeing what we do online than in real life, but we don't live to tell people about it and go over the details afterwards, we are supposed to live in the moment and hopefully enjoy it if we're lucky. So it's fine to then report the high and low parts online, and go over questions it raises, but it's too easy to watch most of what we do more with an eye to reporting it later than living it at the time.
Good writers have always been able to make the banal and ordinary events of daily life sound far more interesting than they actually were. But if you were with them for a day you'd be as bored as they were, though once reported sounded far more interesting.
Pictures are a crossover though. Picking the high spots and interesting corners are valid anywhere as they have been selected to be interesting. The simple buildings and gardens I see every day hold so many artistic angles that I may never run out of new views to take. No two places can be identical, and as no one can visit every part of their own neighbourhood let alone every place in the world, sharing our lives in pictures can never be underestimated.
And meanwhile I enjoy trying to make even the most stultifying (thanks Vicky for that word) events here worth reading about, I must remember not to read similar attempts and imagine that person's life and district is any more interesting than mine. I am sitting in a room in front of a computer with the radio on, no one in the house except a cat on the desk, and surrounded by books. That is probably 99% of all bloggers more or less, except fewer are alone the whole time. But our lives (combined with our age groups) are not going to be that different. Work can almost be eliminated as when I was working I doubt there was more than one paragraph worth mentioning in five years. My current work is confidential anyway so I can't talk about it at all. But apart from work what do we do?
This is where I differ from Tommy Boyd (as we had this exact conversation). He said each person's life is drastically different, and went into his 'I've done this that and the other' routine. Besides probable exaggeration, without having a chance to reply, so have I. In my case at around 40 I changed gear and moved into a creating rather than exploring mode. I'd been to ten countries, theatres and films to a comprehensive degree, studied in various colleges full and part time, and had been to a number of spiritual and psychic events and lectures. But the things I hadn't done were waiting for me, and are taking the new decade over. I had painted but not professionally. I had never spoken on television, one of my main ambitions. I had never had a thing published. Since then I must have had about ten articles published, got 6 pictures in a gallery (unsold but acceptable to show) and will be speaking on TV in a week. I hardly go out any more compared to before, hardly see any friends (not my choice though) and haven't travelled for ages. But I have in the past. Besides the lack of friends I would rather lead my new life than carry on those parts of my old. I've been there, done that, and now rather than watch celebrities perform I am finding ways of meeting them off duty with great success. In another ten years who knows what I'll be into, but going on TV will hopefully be a start of a career rather than a finish, and where I hope one part of my future will lie.
Of course I will always want a family and marriage but that isn't a phase, it's a progression and one I may never make .
So, back to this one. It's been a pretty dead week. Apart from getting the bare minimum of little jobs done and managing some nice walks when it hasn't been stormy weather it wasn't a particularly mentionable week events wise. Nick Roach has been helping me through some of my blockages, especially saying enlightenment can be felt in a basic way when feeling what's here and now, and by staying there it can deepen. That makes sense to me, and even though I rarely feel anything special feeling here and now, the thoughts do slow and sometimes a peace and detachment takes over. So I will do more and do it more often.
One phenomenon I've seen, an extension of reading things reported in books, is the internet reportation phenomenon. It has to be checked before it becomes more important what we can report about our lives online than what actually happens. The balance is easy to switch but not realistic as who wants to live primarily on a screen? It's easy to slip into with hundreds of times more people seeing what we do online than in real life, but we don't live to tell people about it and go over the details afterwards, we are supposed to live in the moment and hopefully enjoy it if we're lucky. So it's fine to then report the high and low parts online, and go over questions it raises, but it's too easy to watch most of what we do more with an eye to reporting it later than living it at the time.
Good writers have always been able to make the banal and ordinary events of daily life sound far more interesting than they actually were. But if you were with them for a day you'd be as bored as they were, though once reported sounded far more interesting.
Pictures are a crossover though. Picking the high spots and interesting corners are valid anywhere as they have been selected to be interesting. The simple buildings and gardens I see every day hold so many artistic angles that I may never run out of new views to take. No two places can be identical, and as no one can visit every part of their own neighbourhood let alone every place in the world, sharing our lives in pictures can never be underestimated.
And meanwhile I enjoy trying to make even the most stultifying (thanks Vicky for that word) events here worth reading about, I must remember not to read similar attempts and imagine that person's life and district is any more interesting than mine. I am sitting in a room in front of a computer with the radio on, no one in the house except a cat on the desk, and surrounded by books. That is probably 99% of all bloggers more or less, except fewer are alone the whole time. But our lives (combined with our age groups) are not going to be that different. Work can almost be eliminated as when I was working I doubt there was more than one paragraph worth mentioning in five years. My current work is confidential anyway so I can't talk about it at all. But apart from work what do we do?
This is where I differ from Tommy Boyd (as we had this exact conversation). He said each person's life is drastically different, and went into his 'I've done this that and the other' routine. Besides probable exaggeration, without having a chance to reply, so have I. In my case at around 40 I changed gear and moved into a creating rather than exploring mode. I'd been to ten countries, theatres and films to a comprehensive degree, studied in various colleges full and part time, and had been to a number of spiritual and psychic events and lectures. But the things I hadn't done were waiting for me, and are taking the new decade over. I had painted but not professionally. I had never spoken on television, one of my main ambitions. I had never had a thing published. Since then I must have had about ten articles published, got 6 pictures in a gallery (unsold but acceptable to show) and will be speaking on TV in a week. I hardly go out any more compared to before, hardly see any friends (not my choice though) and haven't travelled for ages. But I have in the past. Besides the lack of friends I would rather lead my new life than carry on those parts of my old. I've been there, done that, and now rather than watch celebrities perform I am finding ways of meeting them off duty with great success. In another ten years who knows what I'll be into, but going on TV will hopefully be a start of a career rather than a finish, and where I hope one part of my future will lie.
Of course I will always want a family and marriage but that isn't a phase, it's a progression and one I may never make .
Friday, February 24, 2006
Local views 2
Popular view of the bridge over the River Brent (Welsh Harp reservoir) in West Hendon
Nice view by Welsh Harp
Sky-Hi Lee
Ag pleez deddy won't you take us to the wrestling
we wanna see an ou called Sky-Hi Lee
When he fights Willie Liebenberg there's gonna be a murder
'coz Willie's gonna donner that blerrie Yankee
From my previous entry about Jeremy Taylor's song, I researched these two names and found they were real wrestlers in the 1950s, and Willie is actually a friend of Jeremy's and is now a sports coach (though he must be about 70).
I couldn't find a picture of Willie (though I did get pages of his fights though not against Sky-Hi) but have got one of Sky-Hi, who as you can see really was.
Wrestler: Sky Hi Lee
Real Name: Robert E. Leedy
Birthday: 1921
Hometown: Canada
Height & Weight: 6'9" - 290 lbs
Notable Feuds: Bobo Brazil
Larry Moquin
Don Leo Jonathan
Mel Dove
we wanna see an ou called Sky-Hi Lee
When he fights Willie Liebenberg there's gonna be a murder
'coz Willie's gonna donner that blerrie Yankee
From my previous entry about Jeremy Taylor's song, I researched these two names and found they were real wrestlers in the 1950s, and Willie is actually a friend of Jeremy's and is now a sports coach (though he must be about 70).
I couldn't find a picture of Willie (though I did get pages of his fights though not against Sky-Hi) but have got one of Sky-Hi, who as you can see really was.
Wrestler: Sky Hi Lee
Real Name: Robert E. Leedy
Birthday: 1921
Hometown: Canada
Height & Weight: 6'9" - 290 lbs
Notable Feuds: Bobo Brazil
Larry Moquin
Don Leo Jonathan
Mel Dove
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Nothing much
After staying up all hours last night after finding a goldmine of children's song sites, I got up today to my usual free Wednesday, no need to do anything but nothing much specific either.
Nothing really happened until a friend decided to come round in the evening, usual walk in the park first and fiddling about on the computer. It all becomes a blur looking back though I must have done something more than that. I did put my digital prints in an album, I got 70 from the total about twice that, and now have a nice collection of local views comparable to the video shown yesterday (including many of them).
It was nice having someone round, I did have a list of little things to do if free but I'll be free again and will work my way through them. It really is time to get the painting finished, as the builder was here so long I couldn't do much while he took the room over so it's sitting waiting for me now. It still surprises me how many different routes and views there are in the parks which surround me here. You can travel the world but hard to beat the scenery and variety of angles and plant types in a mile or two. Woods, fields, scrubland and some (including very recent) landscaping, making just about every type of environment within one green patch.
I suppose I adapt to varying circumstances reasonably well. Having builders here on and off for well over a month pushed me out of my regular routine, as well as the banging commies for a month next door 6 days a week to give me the stereo version. They've finally finished but there are a few more visits left from my own as he has another job (working alone now) and does me in his spare time. Meanwhile my TV schedule is finally out in writing so a certainty next Friday, I'd copy it here but it's probably illegal to reproduce so just say I am now in the TV guides of Britain. I tried to call Iain Lee with the Beverley Hillbillies song 'Jed' but he didn't pick the line up, maybe he knew what was coming as they have caller display and he knows what to expect. And I slagged him off in a radio forum he visits, which isn't clever but was being honest he is only working at a schoolboy level. Like he didn't know already.
No other plans now besides on the medical treatment front. The letter's gone off for my next prescription so will be acting as a human experiment again for another bottle of potential lifesavers. The original ones did the job but can't be used again as my system rejected them for some reason they can't quite work out though there are clues they don't accept. That as may be, something has to replace them and it's almost becoming a documentary as I watch symptoms rise and fall and create some sort of pattern. Our minds and bodies are so weak in many cases it appears if God did make men (as in both sexes), most are concentrated in a couple of strong areas and the others are more or less like 1970s Lancias or Ladas, ie designed to fail under the slightest stress. My mind was on a knife edge of anxiety as long as I remember, any illness made me panic like my life was in danger, and that has never changed except the tablet's effects. The more places I was ill the more I avoided. That's the logic of the brain's lower centres, which have a life of their own and can't be changed without medication or successful hypnosis, which didn't work for me.
That's how it works, whatever assets someone has are usually balanced by faults, whether feeble minded, alcoholic, phobic or whatever, the more assets someone has except the school captain types who are good at everything, we usually are compensated by dodgy parts as well. As you get older your body gets weaker, and mind builds up more and more negative associations until the weight becomes intolerable. Mine was probably speeded up tenfold by being alone, as whatever happened there was no support unless I happened to be with someone else at the time. But none I can just rely on like a safety net. So though I remain rational and coherent, my body is weak and tired, and I can do little more than continue on the one cylinder I've still got firing most of the time except for small bonus days.
I'm past the stage of caring what people think any more, it's not their business or problem and there's sod all I can do about it besides treatments and doing as little as I can until I feel stronger. Not their problem, if I'd broken my leg I couldn't do much else and this is little different from my side. It feels permanent but shouldn't be, attacking it from different angles should deal with each separate symptom so at least a part can change to start with. I've been there a few times before, it just gets worse each time. I am reading about it and it seems to fit the official picture, minimal energy and immune system so each new attack weakens the body again so the recovery is sent back to the beginning. Wonderful experience and one any spiritual explanation would struggle to explain and justify. As I said, only my creative side has been unaffected as I can do that anywhere and am, and it has pushed me also to look for answers to questions I wouldn't have even had had I not been going through such a rough time.
So, if there's any sense in my position I'd like to see it, maybe it's allowing a few other people to accept me and therefore others as they are, and not how they want or expect us to be. I've learnt age isn't a factor, my grandma's 96 and can still haul a trolley round Tescos for well over an hour with no trouble at all, and then carry the lot in the house from the car. I didn't inherit that gene clearly. It's also forced me to think about issues in life far more deeply than ever before, and though all I find is the same sewage that lies at higher levels, at least I'm discovering how to dive that deep into things. I hope this post doesn't seem too negative, as it's looking for any silver lining in a very dark and large cloud. One that has virtually blocked all sky out. It's like being in a traffic jam that doesn't seem to move, then one car moves or it shofts for a whole mile. Totally unpredictable and out of your hands, but not stuck either.
Sometimes a car or two moves here, and sometimes I move a short way in third gear. But like a bad dream you can only witness, participate and hope it's soon over. As Maharaji rightly says, thinking of food when you're hungry is no help, thinking of good things when they are bad is the same. He advocates meditation, and maybe that's the only albeit indirect way out, besides the jam dispersing on its own when it chooses to.
Who's blocking the traffic though?
Nothing really happened until a friend decided to come round in the evening, usual walk in the park first and fiddling about on the computer. It all becomes a blur looking back though I must have done something more than that. I did put my digital prints in an album, I got 70 from the total about twice that, and now have a nice collection of local views comparable to the video shown yesterday (including many of them).
It was nice having someone round, I did have a list of little things to do if free but I'll be free again and will work my way through them. It really is time to get the painting finished, as the builder was here so long I couldn't do much while he took the room over so it's sitting waiting for me now. It still surprises me how many different routes and views there are in the parks which surround me here. You can travel the world but hard to beat the scenery and variety of angles and plant types in a mile or two. Woods, fields, scrubland and some (including very recent) landscaping, making just about every type of environment within one green patch.
I suppose I adapt to varying circumstances reasonably well. Having builders here on and off for well over a month pushed me out of my regular routine, as well as the banging commies for a month next door 6 days a week to give me the stereo version. They've finally finished but there are a few more visits left from my own as he has another job (working alone now) and does me in his spare time. Meanwhile my TV schedule is finally out in writing so a certainty next Friday, I'd copy it here but it's probably illegal to reproduce so just say I am now in the TV guides of Britain. I tried to call Iain Lee with the Beverley Hillbillies song 'Jed' but he didn't pick the line up, maybe he knew what was coming as they have caller display and he knows what to expect. And I slagged him off in a radio forum he visits, which isn't clever but was being honest he is only working at a schoolboy level. Like he didn't know already.
No other plans now besides on the medical treatment front. The letter's gone off for my next prescription so will be acting as a human experiment again for another bottle of potential lifesavers. The original ones did the job but can't be used again as my system rejected them for some reason they can't quite work out though there are clues they don't accept. That as may be, something has to replace them and it's almost becoming a documentary as I watch symptoms rise and fall and create some sort of pattern. Our minds and bodies are so weak in many cases it appears if God did make men (as in both sexes), most are concentrated in a couple of strong areas and the others are more or less like 1970s Lancias or Ladas, ie designed to fail under the slightest stress. My mind was on a knife edge of anxiety as long as I remember, any illness made me panic like my life was in danger, and that has never changed except the tablet's effects. The more places I was ill the more I avoided. That's the logic of the brain's lower centres, which have a life of their own and can't be changed without medication or successful hypnosis, which didn't work for me.
That's how it works, whatever assets someone has are usually balanced by faults, whether feeble minded, alcoholic, phobic or whatever, the more assets someone has except the school captain types who are good at everything, we usually are compensated by dodgy parts as well. As you get older your body gets weaker, and mind builds up more and more negative associations until the weight becomes intolerable. Mine was probably speeded up tenfold by being alone, as whatever happened there was no support unless I happened to be with someone else at the time. But none I can just rely on like a safety net. So though I remain rational and coherent, my body is weak and tired, and I can do little more than continue on the one cylinder I've still got firing most of the time except for small bonus days.
I'm past the stage of caring what people think any more, it's not their business or problem and there's sod all I can do about it besides treatments and doing as little as I can until I feel stronger. Not their problem, if I'd broken my leg I couldn't do much else and this is little different from my side. It feels permanent but shouldn't be, attacking it from different angles should deal with each separate symptom so at least a part can change to start with. I've been there a few times before, it just gets worse each time. I am reading about it and it seems to fit the official picture, minimal energy and immune system so each new attack weakens the body again so the recovery is sent back to the beginning. Wonderful experience and one any spiritual explanation would struggle to explain and justify. As I said, only my creative side has been unaffected as I can do that anywhere and am, and it has pushed me also to look for answers to questions I wouldn't have even had had I not been going through such a rough time.
So, if there's any sense in my position I'd like to see it, maybe it's allowing a few other people to accept me and therefore others as they are, and not how they want or expect us to be. I've learnt age isn't a factor, my grandma's 96 and can still haul a trolley round Tescos for well over an hour with no trouble at all, and then carry the lot in the house from the car. I didn't inherit that gene clearly. It's also forced me to think about issues in life far more deeply than ever before, and though all I find is the same sewage that lies at higher levels, at least I'm discovering how to dive that deep into things. I hope this post doesn't seem too negative, as it's looking for any silver lining in a very dark and large cloud. One that has virtually blocked all sky out. It's like being in a traffic jam that doesn't seem to move, then one car moves or it shofts for a whole mile. Totally unpredictable and out of your hands, but not stuck either.
Sometimes a car or two moves here, and sometimes I move a short way in third gear. But like a bad dream you can only witness, participate and hope it's soon over. As Maharaji rightly says, thinking of food when you're hungry is no help, thinking of good things when they are bad is the same. He advocates meditation, and maybe that's the only albeit indirect way out, besides the jam dispersing on its own when it chooses to.
Who's blocking the traffic though?
Little song
Tell you all a story 'bout a man named Jed
Couldn't find a toilet so he used his hat instead
Couldn't find no paper so he used a piece of grass
Along came Ellie Mae and kicked him in the ass.
I'd been trying to remember the end of this one for years, and finally found two versions online last night. Patience seems to work on the internet!
Couldn't find a toilet so he used his hat instead
Couldn't find no paper so he used a piece of grass
Along came Ellie Mae and kicked him in the ass.
I'd been trying to remember the end of this one for years, and finally found two versions online last night. Patience seems to work on the internet!
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
New video
Sharon just sent me a surprise, my life literally flashed before me. It was just like having someone on my shoulder filming my recent life and my distant past. Once I get it on cd the family's going to get a copy each.
Monday, February 20, 2006
What is important?
One consequence of my recent health problems have been a discovery of what in life is really important and what counts for little or nothing.
1) If you do something to say you have or add it to a list without liking it or wanting to do it you have achieved nothing. If you’re not up to doing something it’s no achievement to force yourself or be forced by circumstances. In an ideal world if you can’t manage something you shouldn’t have to.
As for adding to lists and showing off, as in ‘I’ve been to America, seen Arsenal, met Liberace’ etc., these are for our own personal pleasure, and interesting discussion points where relevant. But just shlepping 50 miles so you can see a celebrity or queueing for a football match to add a new team where you’d rather not do it means the magic of that particular activity has worn off and you shouldn’t bother with it any more. Obsessive statistical lists are not there to add to an additional career, but just so you don’t lose track of what you’ve done. My lists eventually took over from the activities, and when I realised adding new teams and countries had become more important than enjoying the matches and holidays I stopped worrying about it.
2) Therefore the other side of the coin is what is important that you do. To me that was what I or anyone else can produce. Doing things and going places is fine for pleasure, but not an end in itself, something that will be added to our ‘final judgement list’ on our last day. ‘I went to Paris three times’ is irrelevant to anyone except me, and should I have not even wanted to go the third time I’m the fool for doing it. ‘I painted a room full of pictures’ is valuable as. Assuming you can paint (if not, why paint that much anyway) you can’t paint too much. Every performer, whether in sport, the media or art, has their own unique way of doing it. Combine every elements of a human being, appearance, abilities, voice, technique etc etc, it means each performer at any level provides their own unique style which in itself grows and changes as they continue over time. Each comedian can’t be replaced by another, Frankie Howerd or Kenneth Williams are perfect examples of such special qualities (like them or hate them, they were special) and however hard anyone tried couldn’t either imitate perfectly or be born even close to the real thing. No musician will write or sing like Elton John or Paul McCartney. Every Elvis impersonator is just that, a poor copy reaching a percentage similarity while never being able to become the real thing. And each individual changes and grows over time so the longer you’re in a career the more new variations of your own unique method will arise. And if you run out of one, you find a new one.
So each of our talents, when added to, is valuable. Big and small. Even posting on an internet forum is part of it. If no one bothered, or just the same few, they’d pack up in a few days, unlike mine which are very active and alive, all thanks to each person who bothers to go and join in. We miss them if they go, and that applies even to just being there for your family and seeing them. When each individual dies we realise it wasn’t whether they travelled the world that counted, but whether they made us laugh or entertained us on the piano. Whether business, pleasure, or combined (as with many artists and musicians) adding to our careers is what counts, rather than what we have done passively.
3) For quality of life, I realised that with the recent health problems had I been living in a family it would probably have removed about half the effect of it. Besides the obvious company which takes your mind off many health problems, or at least the edge off, the practical benefits of sharing essential household jobs would make a major difference compared to a sole responsibility. Having to be concerned with simple jobs like food shopping do not make any health issues better.
4) Extending point 1, there is little problem in missing a job you thought you had to do. Life has essential chores, and there’s no need to add to them with other optional activities such as the gym. If I can’t make the gym, big deal. Why make myself guilty for something that really doesn’t matter? And people often forget when we miss doing one thing we nearly always do something else. So now I could have been in the gym, but I’m both clarifying long term issues in my own life and hopefully for others as well as these points are universal. Last year added more to my creative collection than any other just by being alone in the house for days on end or wandering the streets alone with a camera. I have a lovely A4 print on my wall of a scene less than half a mile from my house, and hundreds more if I wanted to do so.
5) All in all, I have both eliminated a list of things that I need no longer care about, and realised not to waste time worrying what other people think about what I can and cannot do. When I was young I was a bit like that (family trait) and assessed people as to their cars, qualifications, holidays etc., and now realise it’s for their benefit or not, and counts jack shit to other people who usually have an opinion unless like me they discover it’s irrelevant and should let people get on with their own lives in their own ways. What on earth difference does someone else’s life make to yours? None at all, unless they’re using you as their target.
I could give some examples I hear constantly. Getting up late is apparently one of the worst non-illegal activities one can have in this godawful country. The simple fact that however late or early someone gets up all that counts is how long they sleep. That is decided by nature and means many people get up earlier than others who went to bed later. Big deal. None of this is a race or competition, and using relative reality over absolute reality is both childish and totally unscientific. In absolute reality few know or care when Einstein, Hitler or Tony Blair get up. All we know or care about is what they did, or do in Blair’s case. Quality not quantity. As long as the essential chores are done, feeding, watering and paying the bills, what else matters if you’re not hurting anyone else?
My qualifications are important to me as much as they fulfilled my potential to pass them, rather than compared with others who will always do better than us if we look far enough. I was disappointed I had to give up a master’s degree as I knew I was good at it, but otherwise have done my projected best. So all that concerned me was that I did what I could do, and life without them would really be in the crap as much of the money I earned was totally dependent on those qualifications besides the shop work. But I had the option, and earned almost ten times as much doing professional work than that anyway so would have struggled financially without them. And having obvious talents without corresponding qualifications would be incredibly frustrating for anyone.
6) I’ve said this before but it fits in and can never be repeated too many times. The bottom line is if someone’s heart is in the right place, the rest is trivial and mainly their problem if it is a problem.
So, over the years I have changed my priorities discovering substance over style. To summarise the points, in the long run few people care a damn whether their friend has travelled the world or spent their lives in Watford. It doesn’t affect the friendship. Other people’s business is their own and should neither impress or irritate others for doing it. Treating missing a leisure activity the same as missing work is not necessary. Time is not wasted when one activity is cancelled. People matter more than anything (however many misanthropes say they are happy living alone). If you want to assess your life, think of the pleasure, and then the contribution you made to the world. This is not by leisure activities and being the audience, but being the performer in any field. For the thousands watching a performer, there’s only the one performer and that’s what everyone remembers. They can be proud of doing it, but you should feel privileged to see them, not impressed you made the effort, as it should be done for pleasure, not to make or score a point.
1) If you do something to say you have or add it to a list without liking it or wanting to do it you have achieved nothing. If you’re not up to doing something it’s no achievement to force yourself or be forced by circumstances. In an ideal world if you can’t manage something you shouldn’t have to.
As for adding to lists and showing off, as in ‘I’ve been to America, seen Arsenal, met Liberace’ etc., these are for our own personal pleasure, and interesting discussion points where relevant. But just shlepping 50 miles so you can see a celebrity or queueing for a football match to add a new team where you’d rather not do it means the magic of that particular activity has worn off and you shouldn’t bother with it any more. Obsessive statistical lists are not there to add to an additional career, but just so you don’t lose track of what you’ve done. My lists eventually took over from the activities, and when I realised adding new teams and countries had become more important than enjoying the matches and holidays I stopped worrying about it.
2) Therefore the other side of the coin is what is important that you do. To me that was what I or anyone else can produce. Doing things and going places is fine for pleasure, but not an end in itself, something that will be added to our ‘final judgement list’ on our last day. ‘I went to Paris three times’ is irrelevant to anyone except me, and should I have not even wanted to go the third time I’m the fool for doing it. ‘I painted a room full of pictures’ is valuable as. Assuming you can paint (if not, why paint that much anyway) you can’t paint too much. Every performer, whether in sport, the media or art, has their own unique way of doing it. Combine every elements of a human being, appearance, abilities, voice, technique etc etc, it means each performer at any level provides their own unique style which in itself grows and changes as they continue over time. Each comedian can’t be replaced by another, Frankie Howerd or Kenneth Williams are perfect examples of such special qualities (like them or hate them, they were special) and however hard anyone tried couldn’t either imitate perfectly or be born even close to the real thing. No musician will write or sing like Elton John or Paul McCartney. Every Elvis impersonator is just that, a poor copy reaching a percentage similarity while never being able to become the real thing. And each individual changes and grows over time so the longer you’re in a career the more new variations of your own unique method will arise. And if you run out of one, you find a new one.
So each of our talents, when added to, is valuable. Big and small. Even posting on an internet forum is part of it. If no one bothered, or just the same few, they’d pack up in a few days, unlike mine which are very active and alive, all thanks to each person who bothers to go and join in. We miss them if they go, and that applies even to just being there for your family and seeing them. When each individual dies we realise it wasn’t whether they travelled the world that counted, but whether they made us laugh or entertained us on the piano. Whether business, pleasure, or combined (as with many artists and musicians) adding to our careers is what counts, rather than what we have done passively.
3) For quality of life, I realised that with the recent health problems had I been living in a family it would probably have removed about half the effect of it. Besides the obvious company which takes your mind off many health problems, or at least the edge off, the practical benefits of sharing essential household jobs would make a major difference compared to a sole responsibility. Having to be concerned with simple jobs like food shopping do not make any health issues better.
4) Extending point 1, there is little problem in missing a job you thought you had to do. Life has essential chores, and there’s no need to add to them with other optional activities such as the gym. If I can’t make the gym, big deal. Why make myself guilty for something that really doesn’t matter? And people often forget when we miss doing one thing we nearly always do something else. So now I could have been in the gym, but I’m both clarifying long term issues in my own life and hopefully for others as well as these points are universal. Last year added more to my creative collection than any other just by being alone in the house for days on end or wandering the streets alone with a camera. I have a lovely A4 print on my wall of a scene less than half a mile from my house, and hundreds more if I wanted to do so.
5) All in all, I have both eliminated a list of things that I need no longer care about, and realised not to waste time worrying what other people think about what I can and cannot do. When I was young I was a bit like that (family trait) and assessed people as to their cars, qualifications, holidays etc., and now realise it’s for their benefit or not, and counts jack shit to other people who usually have an opinion unless like me they discover it’s irrelevant and should let people get on with their own lives in their own ways. What on earth difference does someone else’s life make to yours? None at all, unless they’re using you as their target.
I could give some examples I hear constantly. Getting up late is apparently one of the worst non-illegal activities one can have in this godawful country. The simple fact that however late or early someone gets up all that counts is how long they sleep. That is decided by nature and means many people get up earlier than others who went to bed later. Big deal. None of this is a race or competition, and using relative reality over absolute reality is both childish and totally unscientific. In absolute reality few know or care when Einstein, Hitler or Tony Blair get up. All we know or care about is what they did, or do in Blair’s case. Quality not quantity. As long as the essential chores are done, feeding, watering and paying the bills, what else matters if you’re not hurting anyone else?
My qualifications are important to me as much as they fulfilled my potential to pass them, rather than compared with others who will always do better than us if we look far enough. I was disappointed I had to give up a master’s degree as I knew I was good at it, but otherwise have done my projected best. So all that concerned me was that I did what I could do, and life without them would really be in the crap as much of the money I earned was totally dependent on those qualifications besides the shop work. But I had the option, and earned almost ten times as much doing professional work than that anyway so would have struggled financially without them. And having obvious talents without corresponding qualifications would be incredibly frustrating for anyone.
6) I’ve said this before but it fits in and can never be repeated too many times. The bottom line is if someone’s heart is in the right place, the rest is trivial and mainly their problem if it is a problem.
So, over the years I have changed my priorities discovering substance over style. To summarise the points, in the long run few people care a damn whether their friend has travelled the world or spent their lives in Watford. It doesn’t affect the friendship. Other people’s business is their own and should neither impress or irritate others for doing it. Treating missing a leisure activity the same as missing work is not necessary. Time is not wasted when one activity is cancelled. People matter more than anything (however many misanthropes say they are happy living alone). If you want to assess your life, think of the pleasure, and then the contribution you made to the world. This is not by leisure activities and being the audience, but being the performer in any field. For the thousands watching a performer, there’s only the one performer and that’s what everyone remembers. They can be proud of doing it, but you should feel privileged to see them, not impressed you made the effort, as it should be done for pleasure, not to make or score a point.
Saturday, February 18, 2006
Tooth
This could well be the darkest post I ever do, but one intended to aim for the light at the end of the tunnel. I just lost another half a tooth. It was quiet, now it's still quiet with half a tooth missing. Often happens (till they run out altogether) maybe every year or two. With my recent anxiety I often thought what if I need to go to the dentist, at least my teeth were ok. I haven't got tablets yet (long conferences going on to decide what to try next) so will probably have to face it raw. Great prospect.
So why do I mention it? I wondered if by facing up to one classic problem whether it would be possible to find some good in it as the 'strength through adversity' crowd insist. Sharon already reminded me there was no pain, and I realised soon after if I don't actually think about it it would help as well as there's no benefit in doing so. If only there were visiting dentists. I'm claustrophobic and the pain sometimes involved is no party either. They used to have notrous oxide but that's unpopular now and there seems there'll be little extra help when the time comes.
It also makes my other problems seem strangely distant. We can only focus on so much and it does seem to have put the other stuff in proportion. I'd still prefer not having to fight fire with fire, and surely there are better ways of relieving a situation than replacing a chronic one with an acute one, which may also remove the chronic one when relieved. My grandma had a similar treatment for her asthma, they deliberately gave her the flu and when it left it took the asthma with. This was in the 1940s, how they worked that treatment out god only knows, but it worked. Life has the same for me now, but is surely the least preferable and has to be a soft alternative surely?
If I'm going through a shamanic preparation, I need my mind and body to be replaced, and better than before. How that could be I can only pass over to the forces who control that area as I'm buggered if I can fathom it out. Meditation is another area to follow which has been overlooked recently. It has allowed me to override things in the past so may be forcing me to again.
Silver linings in clouds. This again means a controller making complex situations with folded in hidden meanings like a Chinese puzzle. The only one I could think of was the cure like with like, but that's a horrible way of doing it and if I was in control wouldn't even consider doing something like that. Probaly why I'm not...
So, today has started like an evil spell or curse, and I'm now mentally killing myself trying to find some crumbs of goodness within it. If I don't I'll literally go mad. I bet they have good dental departments in the loony bin...
So why do I mention it? I wondered if by facing up to one classic problem whether it would be possible to find some good in it as the 'strength through adversity' crowd insist. Sharon already reminded me there was no pain, and I realised soon after if I don't actually think about it it would help as well as there's no benefit in doing so. If only there were visiting dentists. I'm claustrophobic and the pain sometimes involved is no party either. They used to have notrous oxide but that's unpopular now and there seems there'll be little extra help when the time comes.
It also makes my other problems seem strangely distant. We can only focus on so much and it does seem to have put the other stuff in proportion. I'd still prefer not having to fight fire with fire, and surely there are better ways of relieving a situation than replacing a chronic one with an acute one, which may also remove the chronic one when relieved. My grandma had a similar treatment for her asthma, they deliberately gave her the flu and when it left it took the asthma with. This was in the 1940s, how they worked that treatment out god only knows, but it worked. Life has the same for me now, but is surely the least preferable and has to be a soft alternative surely?
If I'm going through a shamanic preparation, I need my mind and body to be replaced, and better than before. How that could be I can only pass over to the forces who control that area as I'm buggered if I can fathom it out. Meditation is another area to follow which has been overlooked recently. It has allowed me to override things in the past so may be forcing me to again.
Silver linings in clouds. This again means a controller making complex situations with folded in hidden meanings like a Chinese puzzle. The only one I could think of was the cure like with like, but that's a horrible way of doing it and if I was in control wouldn't even consider doing something like that. Probaly why I'm not...
So, today has started like an evil spell or curse, and I'm now mentally killing myself trying to find some crumbs of goodness within it. If I don't I'll literally go mad. I bet they have good dental departments in the loony bin...
Quiet
No posts for a while simply as the builder was here and I was away at my grandma's for a few days as a result. And still not finished, especially as it'll be 6 more weeks (officially) before the missing parts come since the whole country's kitchen units were burnt in a warehouse fire.
So I haven't really been doing much besides some nice photos yesterday, and tracking down the stalker yesterday with Sharon. After all that it turned out to be the usual person, but a level beyond the previous nonsense and truly evil. I am really sorry someone who ought to know better has it in them after such a long time to bear such a grudge it turned them mentally ill, though that potential had to be there already. Sharon isn't used to crap like this and deserves it even less than me as she has never hurt anyone round here.
That out of the way, it's gone dead quiet here. I really ought to try and finish my course reading now, and start on the research and essays. The picture's been on hold as half the house was a building site, and the one area I am working on is finally learning some decent jazz piano from an Oscar Peterson tape. But as for reporting Kingsbury life I have run out of material and may have to switch to philosophy again, except nothing's happened there either. We will see...
So I haven't really been doing much besides some nice photos yesterday, and tracking down the stalker yesterday with Sharon. After all that it turned out to be the usual person, but a level beyond the previous nonsense and truly evil. I am really sorry someone who ought to know better has it in them after such a long time to bear such a grudge it turned them mentally ill, though that potential had to be there already. Sharon isn't used to crap like this and deserves it even less than me as she has never hurt anyone round here.
That out of the way, it's gone dead quiet here. I really ought to try and finish my course reading now, and start on the research and essays. The picture's been on hold as half the house was a building site, and the one area I am working on is finally learning some decent jazz piano from an Oscar Peterson tape. But as for reporting Kingsbury life I have run out of material and may have to switch to philosophy again, except nothing's happened there either. We will see...
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Spirit guide
OK, having said it's all crap in my eyes, the possibility of using the Akashic records (all the information that is) to give the impression another person is communicating is the more likely, rather than the view real 'dead people' are out there influencing our lives. Either way, whichever is the case, I have a guide who I've probably mentioned in passing and will now describe in full.
From at least age 7, I've been concerned with a German-Jewish type psychiatrist who understands and accepts everything people do. Even then I wanted a figure who didn't judge people for their behaviour, but understood why they did it. I met a real psychiatrist on holiday a few years later who gave me private lessons as he was so impressed a child could have such an interest, then found people I knew started telling me their problems, and I knew what to say.
I took up therapy at college at 26 and that was finally the start of my current profession. One afternoon on the way back from college I went to see a clairvoyant, she said I was in a medical sort of profession and had a spirit guide she could see clearly and described. Guess who it was? An Austrian (?) doctor called George Liebmann, who had sent me in that direction himself. She saw him with his wife and children (wherever he was) and filled in the space of who I'd been thinking of for 20 years.
Then I saw the circle begin to complete. Rather than find a living person of this description, I am becoming him. No choice, just happening naturally. I still look for a person like that myself, maybe Tommy Boyd is close, but not German or Jewish... Otherwise as the proper gurus say I am finding that which I look for outside within, which is my screen name's meaning satguru.
So for all I know George has been sent to get me on my path and is responsible for my putting my potential into practice. Tommy's sidekick Allison (who sounds so hot I'm sure he's going to be tempted...) said it reminds her of Jesus, who spoke his truth, publicised it and got shat on by many in thanks. I know the feeling. But my mission is clearly beyond my choice to continue or nelson's and others to fail or give up. I am only interested in the final result, if I win. The path to it is meaningless and irrelevant as if you win the style and route isn't that important, as long as I don't get too much hassle from doing it. Not from outside but from blockages on the path where I apparently can't get further. False dawns where I seem to get a shift but everything then slips back almost as it was. How long that could take is a mystery, but I can't give up. No way!
From at least age 7, I've been concerned with a German-Jewish type psychiatrist who understands and accepts everything people do. Even then I wanted a figure who didn't judge people for their behaviour, but understood why they did it. I met a real psychiatrist on holiday a few years later who gave me private lessons as he was so impressed a child could have such an interest, then found people I knew started telling me their problems, and I knew what to say.
I took up therapy at college at 26 and that was finally the start of my current profession. One afternoon on the way back from college I went to see a clairvoyant, she said I was in a medical sort of profession and had a spirit guide she could see clearly and described. Guess who it was? An Austrian (?) doctor called George Liebmann, who had sent me in that direction himself. She saw him with his wife and children (wherever he was) and filled in the space of who I'd been thinking of for 20 years.
Then I saw the circle begin to complete. Rather than find a living person of this description, I am becoming him. No choice, just happening naturally. I still look for a person like that myself, maybe Tommy Boyd is close, but not German or Jewish... Otherwise as the proper gurus say I am finding that which I look for outside within, which is my screen name's meaning satguru.
So for all I know George has been sent to get me on my path and is responsible for my putting my potential into practice. Tommy's sidekick Allison (who sounds so hot I'm sure he's going to be tempted...) said it reminds her of Jesus, who spoke his truth, publicised it and got shat on by many in thanks. I know the feeling. But my mission is clearly beyond my choice to continue or nelson's and others to fail or give up. I am only interested in the final result, if I win. The path to it is meaningless and irrelevant as if you win the style and route isn't that important, as long as I don't get too much hassle from doing it. Not from outside but from blockages on the path where I apparently can't get further. False dawns where I seem to get a shift but everything then slips back almost as it was. How long that could take is a mystery, but I can't give up. No way!
Stalker
Sharon has received a pile of comments on her blog but aimed at me.
This arsehole knows me very well. I've never encountered anyone from the 'real' world following me online before, the school bully who can't face me in person has decided to use the internet to hide behind, and have a go at an innocent friend as well. Truly sick.
This is a criminal offence and I have involved the police, this has gone too far and people have to know that just because they think they are hiding behind the apparent anonymity of a screen sooner or later people will catch up with them.
I have managed to track the person down now, and what they said (I hadn't read it previously) is the ravings of mental illness. The previous name I offered here was a red herring and nothing to do with any of the incidents so I apologise.
This arsehole knows me very well. I've never encountered anyone from the 'real' world following me online before, the school bully who can't face me in person has decided to use the internet to hide behind, and have a go at an innocent friend as well. Truly sick.
This is a criminal offence and I have involved the police, this has gone too far and people have to know that just because they think they are hiding behind the apparent anonymity of a screen sooner or later people will catch up with them.
I have managed to track the person down now, and what they said (I hadn't read it previously) is the ravings of mental illness. The previous name I offered here was a red herring and nothing to do with any of the incidents so I apologise.
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