This is the story of my life, as far as what I doand who I am is concerned. I either make people love me or hate me. Friends reunited returns about 20%, the rest remember the wild lunatic who talked about bodily functions and stood outside the classroom more often than anyone else.
I am quieter now but the same underneath. I rebel in a controlled way, but for a positive reason. Not to destroy, but to remove the clouds from people's eyes. Rules are not there to help us but the people who make them more often than not. We are repressed and they are enriched, and often don't follow themselves (eg rich Communist party members). So I see many of these pointless situations and can't keep it quiet. The trouble is I'm either ignored or preach to the converted. Releasing one person is really a miracle but I want all that stuff to go rather than just change a few people to knowing the truth. My ego would love to be known as a great teacher as well, but that is a bonus and not my mission directly.
I did this all my life, as did my mother. The trouble is when you put yourself above (as in an aeroplane's view rather than a car) others they hate you for it. Unless you're advertised and people pay to watch you, just writing it on a blog just pisses most people off. Hard luck. Meanwhile I can't avoid telling the way it is as if I don't I'll be aware of people who are tied up and can't untie them, but have to tell them how to, but they don't usually believe they are.
It helps me as well as if the rules were gone my life would be easier as well.
Imagine no road restrictions (like before the 1970s) and no means tests for sickness benefits. Even stupid boring things like one insurance company who pays every claim as they take and give from the same people. Or even lots of companies doing that, as each claim would average out each way over time (statistical fact). There are more but I'd be arrested as even suggesting certain rules are wrong can be called inciting a crime. They know how to hide the keys to freedom well, by tying up laws so even suggesting we drop them is an offence. Bastards. But like a dripping stream I am slowly wearing them down, but could do with some help guys!
Friday, April 07, 2006
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Space and time
Strange how things can turn out. Last night I was so tired, not from actual lack of sleep but waking up on the alarm regularly. I just can't get used to it. So today, no alarm. I woke up 10am after a few hour's sleep and as far as I can tell when I needed the loo (again) it was 1pm with no further sleep.
Bollocks, I thought. But at least I got cracking on my bureaucracy that is desperately needed to fill in, and have done the worst of it now. Then thank goodness I was called to cancel something later on which I would probably have slept through. The alternative job wasn't on for today so I'm blogging now, with serious major housework to follow. Whether more kitchen items will be transferred to the new cupboards remains to be seen, but the paperwork's gathering dust, food splashes and cat fur so I'll be clearing more of that as well. Just a shame there's no one around while I'm doing it.
Anysonglyrics.com has gone bent, I logged on and they asked me to instal activeX or I couldn't use it. No active anything, I got Zango'd. I've had crap all over my computer before and got rid of it, but this sticks. It's write protected and I've been in the registry and cleaner and it makes no effect whatever I click. They must own the software that will remove it, at $19.95 a go. Not me thank you. But I'm on to those guy's ISP and report them, they are clearly deliberately infecting software and should get their ass kicked from there to hell and back. Bastards.
Otherwise this week has been demanding to say the least. Not including today, but more to come, it just seems to be another out of control period where I may as well ignore whatever's planned as it seems to come and go as it chooses. How many times I've arranged things and people pulled out, only once recently did one admit they just couldn't be bothered. If she'd said that the first time instead of saying she was booked up it would have been fine, but what's the problem choosing what we do with our all too limited time.
It's done to me so many times and I really couldn't give a damn, I always find other things to do, and so would anyone else, especially of you just say no rather than change your mind later on.
This isn't a philosophy theme today, it's exactly what's going on today reported soon after it happened.
Otherwise it's Iain Lee on the radio as usual, grandma and Mastermind on TV later, and the rest of the day is mine, though after 5 hours sleep I'm going nowhere except possibly the park. I did have a friend over last night to watch Arsenal take a team of 11 foreign players to the semi finals of the European cup for the first time in a highly exciting 0-0 draw. For this I pay £12 extra a month...
House arrest, Nelson Mandela, what's the most you could get out of being alone at home indefinitely with occasional visitors and no more? Reclusive living hasn't actually arrived yet but some days have elements of it. I wanted freedom, I lost two real actual jobs, and it's really nothing special as I'm on my own. It forces me to occupy myself with things that may be creative or trivial, but all my own efforts and ideas. Can I ever run out? No wonder I dream about hidden rooms and passages in my house, as at least there would be a bit of an adventure possible besides removing unwanted papers every month or two. And at my age I hate to imagine becoming like my late next door neighbour, who lost the will to live at 92, having lived nearly 20 years alone since his wife died. He was almost deaf by then, so struggled to keep a conversation, and eventually found it hard to walk as his back bent over and needed a carer to visit regularly. He was nearly 50 years older than me and I'm seeing similarities I don't like to see. Granted he was with his wife for years, and retired extremely young so probably had a good life, but I only knew him in the last 10 years. If he hadn't been deaf I'd have spent a lot longer talking with him than I did as he had stories about everyone and everything, and regardless of the age gap we had plenty to talk about. He spent the most time on his garden, which went all the way round his house, and still cut the hedges with shears. The new people I guarantee will do nothing to fix the garden in the time it's grown free, and probably quite busy enough together to bother with me, like all the others except one.
I'm really too tired to think beyond the present, or imagine if anything will be able to be improved. I am enjoying the totally unexpected freedom however, and finally also wonder how two models of England footballers could transfer themselves away from my shelf. I can't ask the cleaner as she wouldn't understand (what's Portuguese for 'fellatio' I wonder?) as given a choice between locating Andy Cole and Patrick Viera in plastic and a good 69 with her the 69 would always win. Thank goodness for blogs, who can edit this? Only me, and I'm not going to!
Bollocks, I thought. But at least I got cracking on my bureaucracy that is desperately needed to fill in, and have done the worst of it now. Then thank goodness I was called to cancel something later on which I would probably have slept through. The alternative job wasn't on for today so I'm blogging now, with serious major housework to follow. Whether more kitchen items will be transferred to the new cupboards remains to be seen, but the paperwork's gathering dust, food splashes and cat fur so I'll be clearing more of that as well. Just a shame there's no one around while I'm doing it.
Anysonglyrics.com has gone bent, I logged on and they asked me to instal activeX or I couldn't use it. No active anything, I got Zango'd. I've had crap all over my computer before and got rid of it, but this sticks. It's write protected and I've been in the registry and cleaner and it makes no effect whatever I click. They must own the software that will remove it, at $19.95 a go. Not me thank you. But I'm on to those guy's ISP and report them, they are clearly deliberately infecting software and should get their ass kicked from there to hell and back. Bastards.
Otherwise this week has been demanding to say the least. Not including today, but more to come, it just seems to be another out of control period where I may as well ignore whatever's planned as it seems to come and go as it chooses. How many times I've arranged things and people pulled out, only once recently did one admit they just couldn't be bothered. If she'd said that the first time instead of saying she was booked up it would have been fine, but what's the problem choosing what we do with our all too limited time.
It's done to me so many times and I really couldn't give a damn, I always find other things to do, and so would anyone else, especially of you just say no rather than change your mind later on.
This isn't a philosophy theme today, it's exactly what's going on today reported soon after it happened.
Otherwise it's Iain Lee on the radio as usual, grandma and Mastermind on TV later, and the rest of the day is mine, though after 5 hours sleep I'm going nowhere except possibly the park. I did have a friend over last night to watch Arsenal take a team of 11 foreign players to the semi finals of the European cup for the first time in a highly exciting 0-0 draw. For this I pay £12 extra a month...
House arrest, Nelson Mandela, what's the most you could get out of being alone at home indefinitely with occasional visitors and no more? Reclusive living hasn't actually arrived yet but some days have elements of it. I wanted freedom, I lost two real actual jobs, and it's really nothing special as I'm on my own. It forces me to occupy myself with things that may be creative or trivial, but all my own efforts and ideas. Can I ever run out? No wonder I dream about hidden rooms and passages in my house, as at least there would be a bit of an adventure possible besides removing unwanted papers every month or two. And at my age I hate to imagine becoming like my late next door neighbour, who lost the will to live at 92, having lived nearly 20 years alone since his wife died. He was almost deaf by then, so struggled to keep a conversation, and eventually found it hard to walk as his back bent over and needed a carer to visit regularly. He was nearly 50 years older than me and I'm seeing similarities I don't like to see. Granted he was with his wife for years, and retired extremely young so probably had a good life, but I only knew him in the last 10 years. If he hadn't been deaf I'd have spent a lot longer talking with him than I did as he had stories about everyone and everything, and regardless of the age gap we had plenty to talk about. He spent the most time on his garden, which went all the way round his house, and still cut the hedges with shears. The new people I guarantee will do nothing to fix the garden in the time it's grown free, and probably quite busy enough together to bother with me, like all the others except one.
I'm really too tired to think beyond the present, or imagine if anything will be able to be improved. I am enjoying the totally unexpected freedom however, and finally also wonder how two models of England footballers could transfer themselves away from my shelf. I can't ask the cleaner as she wouldn't understand (what's Portuguese for 'fellatio' I wonder?) as given a choice between locating Andy Cole and Patrick Viera in plastic and a good 69 with her the 69 would always win. Thank goodness for blogs, who can edit this? Only me, and I'm not going to!
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
Dreaming
One more off the rails here, it's become an additional freedom not just thinking of my forthcoming posts, but to leave them outside the limits, as reporting daily occurrences are so similar to others (whatever Tommy Boyd says) the elements of a dream should be introduced.
What I'd do if I had the say would be to take the flexibility of dreams, draw a line under any part that wasn't positive, and make my life the same as those. Every now and then it does happen, when coincidences fit too well, and sometimes I see someone who doesn't look 'quite right', as in not quite human. I need some consistency, so I can follow threads in life and not cut scenes randomly, so would keep that, but with the flexibility of flying, seeing at a distance and total safety within dreams, plus the restoration of losses. That includes injuries and hair loss, as well as items I'd lost or stopped being made long ago. Not to mention people, both dead and alive, who I meet all the time in dreams. Until then, I can only talk and think about it.
Sanity is about concensus reality, and within that criterion I can never leave it. My ramblings outside reality are all in my mind, and I'm only too aware the reality outside remains stubbornly fixed, almost as if in a freeze frame. Like when a computer freezes, when life outside appears to continue but my view of it sees a frozen frame. From here nothing is changing, and like a dream which is dreadful and negative, you find treasure only to wake up and find it was only in a dream, or even when you're dreaming realise 'hang on, this sort of thing only happens in dreams, sod it...'
Turn it around. Let things move again. I see the last 46 years gradually slowing down until they finally stopped altogether. Nothing that is done or happens outside affects me inside any more. Maybe I am frozen in my consciousness like a coma and everything going on outside may just as well be a hallucination. I can blame outside crap for some of it, but they are ripples within the same pond of inertia. It has ground to a halt, and despite sitting here with the sun shining through the window, Iain Lee introducing mainly the lowest possible level of humanity on the radio, the cat in front of me on the desk, and Arsenal ready to play in just over an hour, I feel I may as well be asleep. Everything I do of any use wears off as quickly as the highs I sometimes got from meditation, where you see the high come on and almost see it wear off as you realise it's there. There is nothing here to keep me high for long either. The dream has managed to take all the worst qualities of a dream while leaving out all but the tiniest positives as I've described already.
I've given up looking for answers, and almost given up trying to escape. There is no escape besides the classical financial method. On that point I just saw our family house up for sale after my 12 year exile. Where I belong and like seeing your ex wife's new husband be run over by a bus, know it's even worse as though she's now available again, it's not for you. More twists of a nightmare nature.
Tiredness continues, as whatever I do or don't do I still sleep longer than allowed nearly every day, and unlike 10 years ago feel it every day it happens.
Scientifically, it is true nearly all our symptoms go when asleep. Pain definitely does when not dreaming, and usually even when dreaming. So it means that even with toothache from a physical cause, you don't have to feel it. But wake up and it's back. A bit of a clue to a possible treatment (and one I read rather than worked out) as it means most of our symptoms can be disregarded if we could harness the mechanism we use every night to turn off all our symptoms. In dreams, we barely if at all feel any symptoms when ill, though we are conscious and thinking albeit at a lower level. But that tiredness or headache don't usually follow us there. Another clue. Hypnosis is the standard means to exploit that mechanism, but doesn't yet go nearly far enough.
So maybe the more static my world becomes outside, the more unregulated it becomes here, as if it may even start it off again by doing so. But at least I have no rules here (besides don't get myself arrested) so besides inciting crime or libelling anyone (like I would) I can make it like science fiction or a fairy story if I feel I'd rather have a bit of that than the scene I just described. No ufos out there, no entities floating around my office and no auras around anything.
Back to earth I've just got a £1 frame for my picture, which my mum said was too good to sell, and petrol has gone up about 12p a gallon since I last filled up so my car's almost empty as each garage I passed was a penny more so I haven't beaten the first offer I turned down, where I will have to go later tonight after all. So why do you think I prefer to dream...
What I'd do if I had the say would be to take the flexibility of dreams, draw a line under any part that wasn't positive, and make my life the same as those. Every now and then it does happen, when coincidences fit too well, and sometimes I see someone who doesn't look 'quite right', as in not quite human. I need some consistency, so I can follow threads in life and not cut scenes randomly, so would keep that, but with the flexibility of flying, seeing at a distance and total safety within dreams, plus the restoration of losses. That includes injuries and hair loss, as well as items I'd lost or stopped being made long ago. Not to mention people, both dead and alive, who I meet all the time in dreams. Until then, I can only talk and think about it.
Sanity is about concensus reality, and within that criterion I can never leave it. My ramblings outside reality are all in my mind, and I'm only too aware the reality outside remains stubbornly fixed, almost as if in a freeze frame. Like when a computer freezes, when life outside appears to continue but my view of it sees a frozen frame. From here nothing is changing, and like a dream which is dreadful and negative, you find treasure only to wake up and find it was only in a dream, or even when you're dreaming realise 'hang on, this sort of thing only happens in dreams, sod it...'
Turn it around. Let things move again. I see the last 46 years gradually slowing down until they finally stopped altogether. Nothing that is done or happens outside affects me inside any more. Maybe I am frozen in my consciousness like a coma and everything going on outside may just as well be a hallucination. I can blame outside crap for some of it, but they are ripples within the same pond of inertia. It has ground to a halt, and despite sitting here with the sun shining through the window, Iain Lee introducing mainly the lowest possible level of humanity on the radio, the cat in front of me on the desk, and Arsenal ready to play in just over an hour, I feel I may as well be asleep. Everything I do of any use wears off as quickly as the highs I sometimes got from meditation, where you see the high come on and almost see it wear off as you realise it's there. There is nothing here to keep me high for long either. The dream has managed to take all the worst qualities of a dream while leaving out all but the tiniest positives as I've described already.
I've given up looking for answers, and almost given up trying to escape. There is no escape besides the classical financial method. On that point I just saw our family house up for sale after my 12 year exile. Where I belong and like seeing your ex wife's new husband be run over by a bus, know it's even worse as though she's now available again, it's not for you. More twists of a nightmare nature.
Tiredness continues, as whatever I do or don't do I still sleep longer than allowed nearly every day, and unlike 10 years ago feel it every day it happens.
Scientifically, it is true nearly all our symptoms go when asleep. Pain definitely does when not dreaming, and usually even when dreaming. So it means that even with toothache from a physical cause, you don't have to feel it. But wake up and it's back. A bit of a clue to a possible treatment (and one I read rather than worked out) as it means most of our symptoms can be disregarded if we could harness the mechanism we use every night to turn off all our symptoms. In dreams, we barely if at all feel any symptoms when ill, though we are conscious and thinking albeit at a lower level. But that tiredness or headache don't usually follow us there. Another clue. Hypnosis is the standard means to exploit that mechanism, but doesn't yet go nearly far enough.
So maybe the more static my world becomes outside, the more unregulated it becomes here, as if it may even start it off again by doing so. But at least I have no rules here (besides don't get myself arrested) so besides inciting crime or libelling anyone (like I would) I can make it like science fiction or a fairy story if I feel I'd rather have a bit of that than the scene I just described. No ufos out there, no entities floating around my office and no auras around anything.
Back to earth I've just got a £1 frame for my picture, which my mum said was too good to sell, and petrol has gone up about 12p a gallon since I last filled up so my car's almost empty as each garage I passed was a penny more so I haven't beaten the first offer I turned down, where I will have to go later tonight after all. So why do you think I prefer to dream...
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Over the top
Gone too far? Over the top? Good! Glad I still have it in me! The internet is maybe the only place we can be free to say whatever we like and be heard without being persecuted physically, and it's only an exploration of ideas rather than trying to convert anyone. But encouraged by the comment, I can only break more boundaries as they are only there to keep us down and hope I can inspire more who read to be open, free and honest.
And at least it showed me I still have a few readers, the comments have been very rare recently.
So which sacred cow can I attack today? There's a mantra which says 'Aham Brahma asmi'- I am God. The theory being what you focus on you become. I'll leave that in the air and let you think on it. And who knows, maybe it will happen?
So take advantage of the freedom, let go, and instead of going 'too far', go even further. Infinite. How far can we go? Maybe the challenge has shown me to push the limits, and with every entry upset, embarrass, shock and surprise as many people as possible. Until it stops doing that and maybe they perceive an element of beauty or art amongst the apparent drivel and chaos. For like the lotus flower lives in the muddiest water and a pearl is in an oyster, a way to hide anything is to surround it by (what looks like) something else. Just a possibility.
The psychedelic post was inspired and freed a part of the mind that beneath the layers of anxiety and stress still believed in magic. The hippies all shared that belief and how they lost it is anyone's guess. The majority took over and left us in isolated ones and twos across the western world and India, but now with the internet we're beginning to find each other again, and coalesce, and find that there really are some left scattered around who never changed, who never lost it, but maintained that current for 40 years.
What's the point of repeating the same old versions of life we all have to endure one way or another every day when there is an aspect to each of us that is, as Carla said, unique, original. Maybe most other people just aren't in touch with it much, or choose to exploit it, but above that is the ability to see the bigger picture, and maybe some people can only have the width of vision they were given by nature, and that cannot be expanded. No one's fault, I can't grow any taller, so what? It's how I was made and the same goes for minds. It's not a pissing contest, it's a test of vision. One where only others can be the judges. It's pretty risky to go out there and put it out for all to see, but I have nothing left to gain by hiding it, so out it came, balls and all.
So, sorry if I offended anyone (which was fully expected and only hoped, as it turned out, no one responded with words of four letters), but rather than try and put me back in my box, why not get a blog yourself if you don't already and write about how special you are. You may find something amazing when you do.
Write from the heart, only write the best things about yourself and don't hold back. Then maybe the real you that's been hiding behind the facade of conformity for so long may emerge and surprise everyone. Far better than moaning as well isn't it?
And at least it showed me I still have a few readers, the comments have been very rare recently.
So which sacred cow can I attack today? There's a mantra which says 'Aham Brahma asmi'- I am God. The theory being what you focus on you become. I'll leave that in the air and let you think on it. And who knows, maybe it will happen?
So take advantage of the freedom, let go, and instead of going 'too far', go even further. Infinite. How far can we go? Maybe the challenge has shown me to push the limits, and with every entry upset, embarrass, shock and surprise as many people as possible. Until it stops doing that and maybe they perceive an element of beauty or art amongst the apparent drivel and chaos. For like the lotus flower lives in the muddiest water and a pearl is in an oyster, a way to hide anything is to surround it by (what looks like) something else. Just a possibility.
The psychedelic post was inspired and freed a part of the mind that beneath the layers of anxiety and stress still believed in magic. The hippies all shared that belief and how they lost it is anyone's guess. The majority took over and left us in isolated ones and twos across the western world and India, but now with the internet we're beginning to find each other again, and coalesce, and find that there really are some left scattered around who never changed, who never lost it, but maintained that current for 40 years.
What's the point of repeating the same old versions of life we all have to endure one way or another every day when there is an aspect to each of us that is, as Carla said, unique, original. Maybe most other people just aren't in touch with it much, or choose to exploit it, but above that is the ability to see the bigger picture, and maybe some people can only have the width of vision they were given by nature, and that cannot be expanded. No one's fault, I can't grow any taller, so what? It's how I was made and the same goes for minds. It's not a pissing contest, it's a test of vision. One where only others can be the judges. It's pretty risky to go out there and put it out for all to see, but I have nothing left to gain by hiding it, so out it came, balls and all.
So, sorry if I offended anyone (which was fully expected and only hoped, as it turned out, no one responded with words of four letters), but rather than try and put me back in my box, why not get a blog yourself if you don't already and write about how special you are. You may find something amazing when you do.
Write from the heart, only write the best things about yourself and don't hold back. Then maybe the real you that's been hiding behind the facade of conformity for so long may emerge and surprise everyone. Far better than moaning as well isn't it?
Sunday, April 02, 2006
Am I special?
-------------------------------------------------Am I special?------------------------------------------------
This is an honest question, and one that has occurred to me over the years, but more so since I’ve been writing a lot more and seeing how things fit together. I’m not suffering from delusions of grandeur, I just seem to have a higher understanding of life in general (and the ability to communicate it) than nearly everyone else I come across.
I’ll quickly outline excellence. There are various apparent forms, but in fact they are not all the same by any means (another way I am demonstrating my own understanding). I am not including people who have studied four plus years and are experts in their profession. They are simply talented and well trained. No, I am referring to the Indian boy who at 12 understands more about cancer than the world’s apparent experts who still kill thousands of people a year with chemotherapy. Very gifted…Kevin Ashman, the world’s quiz expert who pissed on every opponent in every quiz known to Britain with no exceptions, and now writes the questions.
People who are not taught but actually find the things they do easy and just need a little training and practice to become reliable. I was counselling (with good results) at 13. I realised I’d like to earn money from what I saw as stating the obvious, and studied to be paid rather than learn counselling. I worked nearly all of that out myself and though I can now give what I am doing a name, and stopped me from frightening off clients with common mistakes, I basically still point out (as John Cleese called it) the bleedin’ obvious. As counselling covers every aspect of life, it means I see life as a system of activity where all parts fit together, and I now feel I see how every aspect fits in total. Why each part of life happens, and how it interacts with the others.
So, self-praise is no praise, and I often feel delusional when I need no one to tell me I’m special, rather to prove it to others what I already knew for some time, and then have it confirmed. Is it true or is it ego? One or two do suspect (well, Sharon at least) but though I do get compliments on my academic and communication ability, something needs to elevate me beyond the average academic to a recognition the insight I know I have. Here is the scientific side I can demonstrate. When I converse with other professionals and academics, most, outside their own field, are no cleverer than anyone else. I’m not a genius as that was also tested, but whatever quality it is is not shared by most people just because they passed a list of exams. You need no exams for this quality, though it’s hard not to pass them as a result. But not all people with this quality bother to get that far and still inspire and teach others throughout their lives despite having no profession or qualifications.
So, despite my own personal circumstances and health, which are just as much given by ‘grace’ as my abilities, my understanding is there. And one sign of a version of savantism is most of the time these things are obvious to me yet confound (apparently) government and university researchers. I then realised (as someone honest and direct like the average 4 year old) that these guys make a lot of money for research, and therefore would be just as happy to pretend to spend a year working out why farts smell or women but not men can give birth. That’s a shame, as it gave me the impression these guys were thick when in fact they’re just bastards milking the system while creating nothing. But either way there are still people amongst research who either can’t or can hack it, and far fewer who can than you’d think otherwise they’d be researching original and unknown questions rather than why children with poor parents wear cheaper trainers.
So with no money for it and no backing of any sort, I write wherever I can, and without even needing to prove my findings with experiments (which are extremely expensive anyway) as I have already said, I just know many things. If something feels right it usually is, whether you work it out or hear it. So what I now need is external validation, as being subjective with few people saying whether they think I’m somehow special (mainly as people rarely comment full stop except serial insulters), as the sneaking suspicion has been nudging me more and more until I had to come out and go public. If I’m not, fine. It means I never was so haven’t lost anything by it. But if I am I shouldn’t be wasted being heard by a few hundred people online and in private journals. I ought at least to write in a paper or be on TV somehow. That’s when you do need a degree. Will Self and Toby Young are bright sparks I knew personally, but without their degrees would have been unlikely to be used despite their talents. General knowledge/understanding has no degree. A degree just tells an employer you may not be putting it on.
I couldn’t finish up without looking east. Sages, mystics and gurus are just that there. They don’t need to study much more than yoga, but the teachers often didn’t, having those abilities already. You have in all disciplines the majority who teach and the minority who discover what they teach first. I am a discoverer. I find a pattern, then look for evidence to prove it. Others don’t know, and test every possible variation to find out what I’d worked out from naïve observation. Why I am special. And it can be very frustrating as people doubt what you know if you can’t back it up with experimental results.
Spiritual/new age beliefs will explain it, based on the modern teachings of Yogananda, who said we can all do anything just by tuning in to it. It’s just some are better at it than others and we all have the potential. He offered his ancient kriya yoga as a way to do this, but had the abilities already with no yoga, as most true gurus do. His reason for yoga was to then become enlightened, which he did.
Maybe all the stress I’ve suffered in the last year has been to get me used to every possible dire condition so I can’t fear the unknown, having ‘been there’ already, and seen what to do when I am. The mental scars are still open, but have closed for periods recently so may be able to fade enough to live without them in my constant front or background awareness. But even with agoraphobia the Indian gurus like Sai Baba can still work from home, and mine comes and goes so not total. One final point is the best understanding I have seen elsewhere is by TV writers. They can weave every aspect of common human situations into their dramas, and then ways of dealing with and solving them. And they need no qualifications. The only problem is they present it as entertainment, and few realise it’s also valid as an example of real human life, except when they deliberately introduce an issue in and then offer a helpline number.
But I’ve reached the stage where my wish to know has exceeded my humility, and I have to find out from others now, however long it takes, whether I am deluded or actually as talented as I believe I could be. I literally see life around me as a flock of unruly sheep that needs a sheepdog to guide it into shape. People forced or brainwashed into self-destructive lifestyles, believing lies and being stopped from enjoying life from religious and legal restrictions. I can look ahead and in most cases see the ‘damage’ that will come from them doing the opposite, and this damage is to their captors, not to themselves. I could get prosecuted for incitement in some cases if I was too specific, so have to keep limits but I still know what is not necessary and why. Not an experiment around, beyond hearing from people who did ignore the rules and grew dramatically as people as a result. We know the truth but 99%+ of the world doesn’t know, and most don’t even care.
As an afterthought, it would be nice to have one or two others like me to share with so I don’t feel like a teacher so much of the time with no adults to talk to outside my pupils. I have friends and peers, but they are for pleasure rather than academic reasons, and really need to bounce my ideas off someone else with the same intuition who can see the big picture. Tommy Boyd is one, but I’ve seen him get it wrong twice now (1) saying I blog for publicity and 2) dismissing alien life) so even he has opened a few holes despite probably being a genius. I get it wrong a lot as well, as I am not a professional in anyone else’s profession, and whatever I study, do need sufficient information and can get one view until information comes along to add to it. But once the hidden information is revealed I will incorporate it where lesser minds dismiss it. That includes saying ‘There isn’t enough information to know’.
The is a Dr Carl (don’t know his last name) from Sydney (not the fictional one in Neighbours) I just heard at 3am on the radio (what a waste) who knows as much as every scientist on earth apparently. He knows every scientific question off the top of his head and is clearly the top of his own profession. But it’s odd when I find mentors and role models and then find I’ve overtaken even them (Tommy, not Carl that is). I know one other friend like me but he has drifted into a combination of a mental repetitive tape on advaita philosophy (despite denouncing it a few years ago) and overeating. And he said (an opinion I can trust) that despite my lack of social skills the one thing I can rely on is my intellect, though being a fellow Jew used it as an insult as he said that would block my enlightenment. But he saw it. The time has come to see once and for all whether it’s real or imagination, so I know where to go next, follow it up or forget about it. And unless I make my own amazing original discovery I can’t know this one on my own.
This is an honest question, and one that has occurred to me over the years, but more so since I’ve been writing a lot more and seeing how things fit together. I’m not suffering from delusions of grandeur, I just seem to have a higher understanding of life in general (and the ability to communicate it) than nearly everyone else I come across.
I’ll quickly outline excellence. There are various apparent forms, but in fact they are not all the same by any means (another way I am demonstrating my own understanding). I am not including people who have studied four plus years and are experts in their profession. They are simply talented and well trained. No, I am referring to the Indian boy who at 12 understands more about cancer than the world’s apparent experts who still kill thousands of people a year with chemotherapy. Very gifted…Kevin Ashman, the world’s quiz expert who pissed on every opponent in every quiz known to Britain with no exceptions, and now writes the questions.
People who are not taught but actually find the things they do easy and just need a little training and practice to become reliable. I was counselling (with good results) at 13. I realised I’d like to earn money from what I saw as stating the obvious, and studied to be paid rather than learn counselling. I worked nearly all of that out myself and though I can now give what I am doing a name, and stopped me from frightening off clients with common mistakes, I basically still point out (as John Cleese called it) the bleedin’ obvious. As counselling covers every aspect of life, it means I see life as a system of activity where all parts fit together, and I now feel I see how every aspect fits in total. Why each part of life happens, and how it interacts with the others.
So, self-praise is no praise, and I often feel delusional when I need no one to tell me I’m special, rather to prove it to others what I already knew for some time, and then have it confirmed. Is it true or is it ego? One or two do suspect (well, Sharon at least) but though I do get compliments on my academic and communication ability, something needs to elevate me beyond the average academic to a recognition the insight I know I have. Here is the scientific side I can demonstrate. When I converse with other professionals and academics, most, outside their own field, are no cleverer than anyone else. I’m not a genius as that was also tested, but whatever quality it is is not shared by most people just because they passed a list of exams. You need no exams for this quality, though it’s hard not to pass them as a result. But not all people with this quality bother to get that far and still inspire and teach others throughout their lives despite having no profession or qualifications.
So, despite my own personal circumstances and health, which are just as much given by ‘grace’ as my abilities, my understanding is there. And one sign of a version of savantism is most of the time these things are obvious to me yet confound (apparently) government and university researchers. I then realised (as someone honest and direct like the average 4 year old) that these guys make a lot of money for research, and therefore would be just as happy to pretend to spend a year working out why farts smell or women but not men can give birth. That’s a shame, as it gave me the impression these guys were thick when in fact they’re just bastards milking the system while creating nothing. But either way there are still people amongst research who either can’t or can hack it, and far fewer who can than you’d think otherwise they’d be researching original and unknown questions rather than why children with poor parents wear cheaper trainers.
So with no money for it and no backing of any sort, I write wherever I can, and without even needing to prove my findings with experiments (which are extremely expensive anyway) as I have already said, I just know many things. If something feels right it usually is, whether you work it out or hear it. So what I now need is external validation, as being subjective with few people saying whether they think I’m somehow special (mainly as people rarely comment full stop except serial insulters), as the sneaking suspicion has been nudging me more and more until I had to come out and go public. If I’m not, fine. It means I never was so haven’t lost anything by it. But if I am I shouldn’t be wasted being heard by a few hundred people online and in private journals. I ought at least to write in a paper or be on TV somehow. That’s when you do need a degree. Will Self and Toby Young are bright sparks I knew personally, but without their degrees would have been unlikely to be used despite their talents. General knowledge/understanding has no degree. A degree just tells an employer you may not be putting it on.
I couldn’t finish up without looking east. Sages, mystics and gurus are just that there. They don’t need to study much more than yoga, but the teachers often didn’t, having those abilities already. You have in all disciplines the majority who teach and the minority who discover what they teach first. I am a discoverer. I find a pattern, then look for evidence to prove it. Others don’t know, and test every possible variation to find out what I’d worked out from naïve observation. Why I am special. And it can be very frustrating as people doubt what you know if you can’t back it up with experimental results.
Spiritual/new age beliefs will explain it, based on the modern teachings of Yogananda, who said we can all do anything just by tuning in to it. It’s just some are better at it than others and we all have the potential. He offered his ancient kriya yoga as a way to do this, but had the abilities already with no yoga, as most true gurus do. His reason for yoga was to then become enlightened, which he did.
Maybe all the stress I’ve suffered in the last year has been to get me used to every possible dire condition so I can’t fear the unknown, having ‘been there’ already, and seen what to do when I am. The mental scars are still open, but have closed for periods recently so may be able to fade enough to live without them in my constant front or background awareness. But even with agoraphobia the Indian gurus like Sai Baba can still work from home, and mine comes and goes so not total. One final point is the best understanding I have seen elsewhere is by TV writers. They can weave every aspect of common human situations into their dramas, and then ways of dealing with and solving them. And they need no qualifications. The only problem is they present it as entertainment, and few realise it’s also valid as an example of real human life, except when they deliberately introduce an issue in and then offer a helpline number.
But I’ve reached the stage where my wish to know has exceeded my humility, and I have to find out from others now, however long it takes, whether I am deluded or actually as talented as I believe I could be. I literally see life around me as a flock of unruly sheep that needs a sheepdog to guide it into shape. People forced or brainwashed into self-destructive lifestyles, believing lies and being stopped from enjoying life from religious and legal restrictions. I can look ahead and in most cases see the ‘damage’ that will come from them doing the opposite, and this damage is to their captors, not to themselves. I could get prosecuted for incitement in some cases if I was too specific, so have to keep limits but I still know what is not necessary and why. Not an experiment around, beyond hearing from people who did ignore the rules and grew dramatically as people as a result. We know the truth but 99%+ of the world doesn’t know, and most don’t even care.
As an afterthought, it would be nice to have one or two others like me to share with so I don’t feel like a teacher so much of the time with no adults to talk to outside my pupils. I have friends and peers, but they are for pleasure rather than academic reasons, and really need to bounce my ideas off someone else with the same intuition who can see the big picture. Tommy Boyd is one, but I’ve seen him get it wrong twice now (1) saying I blog for publicity and 2) dismissing alien life) so even he has opened a few holes despite probably being a genius. I get it wrong a lot as well, as I am not a professional in anyone else’s profession, and whatever I study, do need sufficient information and can get one view until information comes along to add to it. But once the hidden information is revealed I will incorporate it where lesser minds dismiss it. That includes saying ‘There isn’t enough information to know’.
The is a Dr Carl (don’t know his last name) from Sydney (not the fictional one in Neighbours) I just heard at 3am on the radio (what a waste) who knows as much as every scientist on earth apparently. He knows every scientific question off the top of his head and is clearly the top of his own profession. But it’s odd when I find mentors and role models and then find I’ve overtaken even them (Tommy, not Carl that is). I know one other friend like me but he has drifted into a combination of a mental repetitive tape on advaita philosophy (despite denouncing it a few years ago) and overeating. And he said (an opinion I can trust) that despite my lack of social skills the one thing I can rely on is my intellect, though being a fellow Jew used it as an insult as he said that would block my enlightenment. But he saw it. The time has come to see once and for all whether it’s real or imagination, so I know where to go next, follow it up or forget about it. And unless I make my own amazing original discovery I can’t know this one on my own.
Saturday, April 01, 2006
The devil makes work...
When a moment hits when nothing fits the first thought is 'how long will it last?'. Tired (had to wake up on the alarm yet again today) and bored (was going for a walk before it rained), and even feeling guilty listening to person after werson who actually has a job.
Then you get anxiety (these tablets are good with the symptoms but don't really seem to calm the fear ahead like the others did, which is clearly a fault within the brain chemistry) and though I am fairly free now there's little to do with it and no one to share it with. So I actually wrote here not actually to complain, but to see if I could rearrange anything by laying it out in writing.
Ideally this room would not be one I used alone. I'd like to share it with someone, show them things on the computer, have their things on the desk and talk while I was on the internet.
Some fucking chance of that isn't there...
So given what I have, a house designed to provide as many occupations as possible for a single person, like a lighthouse keeper, and just enough space to contain it all, there isn't (besides the walk I may take after doing this) anywhere worth going outside either (until I go to the gym). But the gym is 99% business rather than pleasure. After 3 1/2 years I have started to show the signs of a dedicated visitor, but only the beginnings. And then only if I take my shirt off or have to lift something heavy. Neither of which happen very often, especially in freezing weather like we usually have.
So many people appear to hang out on funtrivia like I do as that is the best and most reliable place to go when you've got nothing to do. Fine, but would be nice to have both.
I have realised that there's no need to do something special every so often so you can keep up with your peers. Holidays, shows, lectures, how many people end up doing them more to tell people they've done it than actually because they liked it?
For me, it's enough effort doing them at all nowadays, so it's more or less something pretty damn special before I'll go anywhere like that, and the bonus is I can talk about it afterwards, as well as being pleased myself I managed it. The only one I would have done more was when Uri Geller did his show at Kempton Park. He started in 2001 at the Mind body and spirit festival, and again in 2002, and I hoped it would be annual but maybe he fell out with them as the year after he stopped though he still does plenty of other venues.
Though the show never changes it's Uri Geller and each time I see him do his thing it inspires me. Now he says he won't even say if he's genuine or not, which sort of ruins the old story he was gifted and special. Now he's opened the possibility everything that inspired me from 12 onwards was bollocks.
He's not the only person who's done psychokinesis, and the two others I know of and seen claim to be 100% genuine, one to the extent he refuses to waste his talents doing something that trivial. Surprising how some people take for granted what to every person in the universe except them is a miracle. If it ever was.
Oddly though (oops, the shift key came into operation there) I am not feeling free and happy after getting all my jobs out of the way last week. Yesterday I felt like it should have been my funeral I was at, mentally more than physically, and today is just averagely dead. As ex-prisoners confirm, even being let out of prison isn't so great if you go back to very little. And to quote Alice Morgan from the 80s, I have every right to complain despite my relative affluence (ie I own my own house). It's no pleasure having the things you need, I am lacking the things I want.
I wanted Alice Morgan as well, but all I got was her advice. She was a punk from a broken family who lived like a gipsy, scrounging food and favours from anyone and everyone she could (including a solid week from me) and once I drove her 100 miles and dropped her home never heard from her again. Kind of sums up nearly every woman I liked since then. I wonder if they are all still single as they basically just don't want anyone else? Wouldn't surprise me. All over 30 and no sign of a man wherever you look. Just to goddamn self centred to need one. One had Jesus, another had alcohol, and some were even content simply listening to the voices in their head.
I wonder how many people think I exagerrate for effect here. If only. Sometimes I tone it down so I don't scare anyone off. The number of people who seem OK, until they mention one thing that puts them off the track. It never puts me off them, as I couldn't care less about someone's weirdness as long as they're good company. It puts them off me as their obsession is above other people. Other people appear not to matter to them except when they need something. Alice, and all the others since. One wanted my soul, one wanted to be out of it, and another was more interested in her own inner world. Impossible to compete with what has been laughingly referred to as 'being too set in their ways'. One at least was sadly so set in her ways they had to lock her up. What a waste. Even my friendship wasn't good enough for most of them. At best (actually no better than being dropped altogether) I'd here from a couple every time they had a legal problem (not that I'm totally qualified, but being free makes up for that), and that's it.
Men with nothing to offer in the brains or personality department will never suffer from that. If a woman calls them there's only one thing they can get, so they do. With me, that's the last thing on their minds most of the time.
I've had no feedback from my 'shopping list', (surprise surprise) and I am desperate to know (assuming I will not change) if I am impossible to form a relationship with? If you compare other couples, most women want excitement. That includes fights, deception, unreliability etc., which counts me out. No excitement here, unless you include impressions of Bruce Forsyth. I am not a man who makes a woman feel alive. Most women see me as the father they wished they have, even the older ones. And what is the last thing they want to do with their father? You got it.
Catch 22. Have a brain, wisdom and patience and every woman who wants a good time goes elsewhere. So I keep painting, taking photos and even now going on TV occasionally, all good stuff but ought to be within a relationship rather than instead of one.
I also dreamt I was telling a woman this last night, who may have ended up filling the gap after understanding what I meant. I only remember as the phone woke me up with a message of someone playing tunes on the keypad and speaking German. No, I never took acid last night...
Then you get anxiety (these tablets are good with the symptoms but don't really seem to calm the fear ahead like the others did, which is clearly a fault within the brain chemistry) and though I am fairly free now there's little to do with it and no one to share it with. So I actually wrote here not actually to complain, but to see if I could rearrange anything by laying it out in writing.
Ideally this room would not be one I used alone. I'd like to share it with someone, show them things on the computer, have their things on the desk and talk while I was on the internet.
Some fucking chance of that isn't there...
So given what I have, a house designed to provide as many occupations as possible for a single person, like a lighthouse keeper, and just enough space to contain it all, there isn't (besides the walk I may take after doing this) anywhere worth going outside either (until I go to the gym). But the gym is 99% business rather than pleasure. After 3 1/2 years I have started to show the signs of a dedicated visitor, but only the beginnings. And then only if I take my shirt off or have to lift something heavy. Neither of which happen very often, especially in freezing weather like we usually have.
So many people appear to hang out on funtrivia like I do as that is the best and most reliable place to go when you've got nothing to do. Fine, but would be nice to have both.
I have realised that there's no need to do something special every so often so you can keep up with your peers. Holidays, shows, lectures, how many people end up doing them more to tell people they've done it than actually because they liked it?
For me, it's enough effort doing them at all nowadays, so it's more or less something pretty damn special before I'll go anywhere like that, and the bonus is I can talk about it afterwards, as well as being pleased myself I managed it. The only one I would have done more was when Uri Geller did his show at Kempton Park. He started in 2001 at the Mind body and spirit festival, and again in 2002, and I hoped it would be annual but maybe he fell out with them as the year after he stopped though he still does plenty of other venues.
Though the show never changes it's Uri Geller and each time I see him do his thing it inspires me. Now he says he won't even say if he's genuine or not, which sort of ruins the old story he was gifted and special. Now he's opened the possibility everything that inspired me from 12 onwards was bollocks.
He's not the only person who's done psychokinesis, and the two others I know of and seen claim to be 100% genuine, one to the extent he refuses to waste his talents doing something that trivial. Surprising how some people take for granted what to every person in the universe except them is a miracle. If it ever was.
Oddly though (oops, the shift key came into operation there) I am not feeling free and happy after getting all my jobs out of the way last week. Yesterday I felt like it should have been my funeral I was at, mentally more than physically, and today is just averagely dead. As ex-prisoners confirm, even being let out of prison isn't so great if you go back to very little. And to quote Alice Morgan from the 80s, I have every right to complain despite my relative affluence (ie I own my own house). It's no pleasure having the things you need, I am lacking the things I want.
I wanted Alice Morgan as well, but all I got was her advice. She was a punk from a broken family who lived like a gipsy, scrounging food and favours from anyone and everyone she could (including a solid week from me) and once I drove her 100 miles and dropped her home never heard from her again. Kind of sums up nearly every woman I liked since then. I wonder if they are all still single as they basically just don't want anyone else? Wouldn't surprise me. All over 30 and no sign of a man wherever you look. Just to goddamn self centred to need one. One had Jesus, another had alcohol, and some were even content simply listening to the voices in their head.
I wonder how many people think I exagerrate for effect here. If only. Sometimes I tone it down so I don't scare anyone off. The number of people who seem OK, until they mention one thing that puts them off the track. It never puts me off them, as I couldn't care less about someone's weirdness as long as they're good company. It puts them off me as their obsession is above other people. Other people appear not to matter to them except when they need something. Alice, and all the others since. One wanted my soul, one wanted to be out of it, and another was more interested in her own inner world. Impossible to compete with what has been laughingly referred to as 'being too set in their ways'. One at least was sadly so set in her ways they had to lock her up. What a waste. Even my friendship wasn't good enough for most of them. At best (actually no better than being dropped altogether) I'd here from a couple every time they had a legal problem (not that I'm totally qualified, but being free makes up for that), and that's it.
Men with nothing to offer in the brains or personality department will never suffer from that. If a woman calls them there's only one thing they can get, so they do. With me, that's the last thing on their minds most of the time.
I've had no feedback from my 'shopping list', (surprise surprise) and I am desperate to know (assuming I will not change) if I am impossible to form a relationship with? If you compare other couples, most women want excitement. That includes fights, deception, unreliability etc., which counts me out. No excitement here, unless you include impressions of Bruce Forsyth. I am not a man who makes a woman feel alive. Most women see me as the father they wished they have, even the older ones. And what is the last thing they want to do with their father? You got it.
Catch 22. Have a brain, wisdom and patience and every woman who wants a good time goes elsewhere. So I keep painting, taking photos and even now going on TV occasionally, all good stuff but ought to be within a relationship rather than instead of one.
I also dreamt I was telling a woman this last night, who may have ended up filling the gap after understanding what I meant. I only remember as the phone woke me up with a message of someone playing tunes on the keypad and speaking German. No, I never took acid last night...
Psychedelic
Think and let your mind go free. Open the barriers of the spirit that hold back the love and light outside. Dreams and life overlap somewhere, while we dream we still experience, so why not bring the dreams into life as well?
This is a free page unlike the others. I am not lecturing or teaching or reporting. This is a trip I am taking on a page that may lead outside the normal limits of writing and experiencing. The hippies knew something and whatever they knew has its seeds in their music and pictures, and you feel an echo of it as you listen to the Moody Blues, as I did when I wrote this before.
Let all imagined limits go, what may lie beyond is what we miss so much here, whether we feel it, know it or just dream about it, it should be there. LSD trips are not a good route, but may be a dangerous way to see what is around us all but beyond our vision. Life will never be the same, so many people say after any spiritual experience. They have been outside and whether they find their way back again or not, they know. And few if any don't prefer it. Look at the art, listen to the music. That doesn't shout 'nightmare', it tells me 'fairyland'.
Mad? If you tell someone there's a place we can't see, hear, feel, or locate we're either mad or very lucky. But where and why do they exist? Wherever it is, people seem to agree about its landscape. It's a wonderful place of half men half animals, light and music with no visible source, colours unseen on earth, no time as we know it, and loving beings who can tell us many things we can't find out here. No wonder so many people take dreadful risks (as I have as well) trying desperately to find this place. Who wouldn't if they didn't resonate with every report they heard?
Escapism? If you were in a prison, what would you want to do? Accept that was the best you could do and start decorating the walls I suppose. Well that's what every normal guy does. And us nutcases want a little more, occasionally we even see tiny cracks in solid reality. If we do, we no longer imagine the possibility like Peter Pan, we know something's up. You can't accept three dimensions when you've seen more. No maps, no guides and shamans and voodoo priests only offer deadly routes. The magic is here sometimes, but probably there always, heaven as reported by those still alive when they passed over. Hell is surely here, why not both? Just opposite ends of the spectrum, and all available now to those who get there by chance or direction.
Moody Blues captured some of that feeling, which started this off here, but any 60s inspired creation has a bit of it as well. I am drawn to all of that not from nostalgia but as my link with heaven. Why on earth not? Heaven isn't risky, you can't lose, you can't get it wrong, everything you do has the best possible outcome and you're never alone unless you choose to be. You understand and know everything and everyone else does as well. As they all share the one mind they can all access, but through their own being. Tell me it's rubbish, but it still makes a good story. But even a fairy story inspires. And why so many about hidden worlds where people fly and talk to animals. Was C.S. Lewis on acid when he wrote Narnia or Lewis Carroll when he followed Alice to similar dimensions? I doubt it. Some people just know, or feel it somehow. They end up entertaining children, but some of those children grow up as inspired adults, just wondering if there was more to those places than imagination.
Of course there is. Even going there in dreams is real when I'm there, and I still have the memory as with all the others afterwards. I trip out by listening to music, looking at pictures and thinking of the times I was almost there. I won't get far like that but I'm looking through the bars wondering whether there's a hidden door or loose window somewhere I can't find yet. From within an infinite wall I look outside infinity for the freedom outside. May I never come down once I get there. Amen.
This is a free page unlike the others. I am not lecturing or teaching or reporting. This is a trip I am taking on a page that may lead outside the normal limits of writing and experiencing. The hippies knew something and whatever they knew has its seeds in their music and pictures, and you feel an echo of it as you listen to the Moody Blues, as I did when I wrote this before.
Let all imagined limits go, what may lie beyond is what we miss so much here, whether we feel it, know it or just dream about it, it should be there. LSD trips are not a good route, but may be a dangerous way to see what is around us all but beyond our vision. Life will never be the same, so many people say after any spiritual experience. They have been outside and whether they find their way back again or not, they know. And few if any don't prefer it. Look at the art, listen to the music. That doesn't shout 'nightmare', it tells me 'fairyland'.
Mad? If you tell someone there's a place we can't see, hear, feel, or locate we're either mad or very lucky. But where and why do they exist? Wherever it is, people seem to agree about its landscape. It's a wonderful place of half men half animals, light and music with no visible source, colours unseen on earth, no time as we know it, and loving beings who can tell us many things we can't find out here. No wonder so many people take dreadful risks (as I have as well) trying desperately to find this place. Who wouldn't if they didn't resonate with every report they heard?
Escapism? If you were in a prison, what would you want to do? Accept that was the best you could do and start decorating the walls I suppose. Well that's what every normal guy does. And us nutcases want a little more, occasionally we even see tiny cracks in solid reality. If we do, we no longer imagine the possibility like Peter Pan, we know something's up. You can't accept three dimensions when you've seen more. No maps, no guides and shamans and voodoo priests only offer deadly routes. The magic is here sometimes, but probably there always, heaven as reported by those still alive when they passed over. Hell is surely here, why not both? Just opposite ends of the spectrum, and all available now to those who get there by chance or direction.
Moody Blues captured some of that feeling, which started this off here, but any 60s inspired creation has a bit of it as well. I am drawn to all of that not from nostalgia but as my link with heaven. Why on earth not? Heaven isn't risky, you can't lose, you can't get it wrong, everything you do has the best possible outcome and you're never alone unless you choose to be. You understand and know everything and everyone else does as well. As they all share the one mind they can all access, but through their own being. Tell me it's rubbish, but it still makes a good story. But even a fairy story inspires. And why so many about hidden worlds where people fly and talk to animals. Was C.S. Lewis on acid when he wrote Narnia or Lewis Carroll when he followed Alice to similar dimensions? I doubt it. Some people just know, or feel it somehow. They end up entertaining children, but some of those children grow up as inspired adults, just wondering if there was more to those places than imagination.
Of course there is. Even going there in dreams is real when I'm there, and I still have the memory as with all the others afterwards. I trip out by listening to music, looking at pictures and thinking of the times I was almost there. I won't get far like that but I'm looking through the bars wondering whether there's a hidden door or loose window somewhere I can't find yet. From within an infinite wall I look outside infinity for the freedom outside. May I never come down once I get there. Amen.
Friday, March 31, 2006
Filling the space
The day has passed, I'm glad to say, as I no longer have a dental appointment left on my little card. One phobia more people can relate to than any other so I don't feel isolated with that one at least.
Spent a decent session in the gym which is near there so the coin has an upside as well. Excuse the colour variations but this software changes colour when you press enter, and it looks more interesting to leave the errors in than correct it to all brown. I won't do whole colour design this time as I have other things to work on.
One website I was directed to has tied the two threads of bliss and enlightenment together. True enlightenment, I am told, is simply the non-big-deal awareness that I am the awareness not the person. That is easy to see, to focus on the space rather than the filling, but has no effect on the witness when pointed out. Meditation however brings bliss at times with no new insights, but rarely lasts. Then this site explains the path.
1) Point out we can be empty awareness
2) hold this till it becomes our dominant perspective
3) then it may grow and become constant
and finally... 4) then the bliss may come
Phew! I always wondered how two such different schools could work so closely together, I think I know now, though some bright spark will say I got it wrong sooner or later.
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Rather than double and triple post for new subjects as some do, I'll use the colour scheme as a chapter device. I wanted to see how I could write a post beyond mentioning the two things I did in a whole day and see what happened.
As I don't have to be up tomorrow (though the kitchen bits will wake me up Saturday morning) I may as well enjoy my freedom while I have it. Writing is good therapy for me, as many others. The Funtrivia blog has brought so many more members out of the shadows I'm learning more about them every day. Pity there isn't even one like them near me though...
Other bits and bobs, I think the official title of the Pyewackett song I am trying to find a recording of by others (as they only did it for the radio) is 'The wind blows high', and is a traditional skipping song, which must have been split into that song and 'Tell my ma' as it is a combination of the two. One is easy to find, the other is written online, played on schools radio occasionally, but apparently unknown by any folk group who make recordings. I'll keep looking.
Otherwise (see how the programme has been set up, same as MS word) it's freedom city Arizona (though a couple of distant social arrangements may emerge soon I am in partial control of them so not a big problem). Tomorrow I could do my paperwork (probably wait till Saturday), finish my painting (should do), go for a walk (will if dry), in the time before I go out later in the day. Saturday is the artificially created day Flickr allow me to post my new photos (what a rule but beggars can't be choosers), so I'll be able to see what the groups think of them as well as see their latest additions. Like nostalgia, seeing a photo of the places you see all the time still feels good. Any good moment becomes nostalgic instantly when played back on camera, moving or still. Just how it is.
So, that is it really, I should be asleep now and am doing three things at once so can't concentrate, but am able to be in the moment as there's better here now than anything I see beyond, for a bleeding change I'll add. It can't last too long as I'm off to bed, and who knows what tomorrow brings, though I am finding after real obligations it is becoming easier to bang away other arrangements like a baseball bat if they don't appeal to me, and not even need to make excuses. What the hell for? Life's too short to fanny around with people you don't want to see or places you don't want to be in. Why waste your life as people want to do things you don't? So I am growing and learning there, the first time in my life I can do that, and am maybe being sent a few little ones to learn easily and practice. You don't go through what I have without learning damage limitation a lot better, and maybe a few people will even respect me for that, standing up for myself (diplomatically though). Assertive.
Meanwhile I also return to awareness at times, and will continue to as you can't stop half way through any mission that promises so much. It's little trouble to return to what you feel now and stay with it, and may see better what the reason for doing it is, as the earlier one was 'enlightenment/becoming awareness' which really had little I could hang on to it. Awareness expanding to bliss is everything. Our true nature and higher consciousness. I was using two methods, one for each, as wasn't sure I could get either from the other ways, but now maybe I can.
Spent a decent session in the gym which is near there so the coin has an upside as well. Excuse the colour variations but this software changes colour when you press enter, and it looks more interesting to leave the errors in than correct it to all brown. I won't do whole colour design this time as I have other things to work on.
One website I was directed to has tied the two threads of bliss and enlightenment together. True enlightenment, I am told, is simply the non-big-deal awareness that I am the awareness not the person. That is easy to see, to focus on the space rather than the filling, but has no effect on the witness when pointed out. Meditation however brings bliss at times with no new insights, but rarely lasts. Then this site explains the path.
1) Point out we can be empty awareness
2) hold this till it becomes our dominant perspective
3) then it may grow and become constant
and finally... 4) then the bliss may come
Phew! I always wondered how two such different schools could work so closely together, I think I know now, though some bright spark will say I got it wrong sooner or later.
----------------------------------------------
Rather than double and triple post for new subjects as some do, I'll use the colour scheme as a chapter device. I wanted to see how I could write a post beyond mentioning the two things I did in a whole day and see what happened.
As I don't have to be up tomorrow (though the kitchen bits will wake me up Saturday morning) I may as well enjoy my freedom while I have it. Writing is good therapy for me, as many others. The Funtrivia blog has brought so many more members out of the shadows I'm learning more about them every day. Pity there isn't even one like them near me though...
Other bits and bobs, I think the official title of the Pyewackett song I am trying to find a recording of by others (as they only did it for the radio) is 'The wind blows high', and is a traditional skipping song, which must have been split into that song and 'Tell my ma' as it is a combination of the two. One is easy to find, the other is written online, played on schools radio occasionally, but apparently unknown by any folk group who make recordings. I'll keep looking.
Otherwise (see how the programme has been set up, same as MS word) it's freedom city Arizona (though a couple of distant social arrangements may emerge soon I am in partial control of them so not a big problem). Tomorrow I could do my paperwork (probably wait till Saturday), finish my painting (should do), go for a walk (will if dry), in the time before I go out later in the day. Saturday is the artificially created day Flickr allow me to post my new photos (what a rule but beggars can't be choosers), so I'll be able to see what the groups think of them as well as see their latest additions. Like nostalgia, seeing a photo of the places you see all the time still feels good. Any good moment becomes nostalgic instantly when played back on camera, moving or still. Just how it is.
So, that is it really, I should be asleep now and am doing three things at once so can't concentrate, but am able to be in the moment as there's better here now than anything I see beyond, for a bleeding change I'll add. It can't last too long as I'm off to bed, and who knows what tomorrow brings, though I am finding after real obligations it is becoming easier to bang away other arrangements like a baseball bat if they don't appeal to me, and not even need to make excuses. What the hell for? Life's too short to fanny around with people you don't want to see or places you don't want to be in. Why waste your life as people want to do things you don't? So I am growing and learning there, the first time in my life I can do that, and am maybe being sent a few little ones to learn easily and practice. You don't go through what I have without learning damage limitation a lot better, and maybe a few people will even respect me for that, standing up for myself (diplomatically though). Assertive.
Meanwhile I also return to awareness at times, and will continue to as you can't stop half way through any mission that promises so much. It's little trouble to return to what you feel now and stay with it, and may see better what the reason for doing it is, as the earlier one was 'enlightenment/becoming awareness' which really had little I could hang on to it. Awareness expanding to bliss is everything. Our true nature and higher consciousness. I was using two methods, one for each, as wasn't sure I could get either from the other ways, but now maybe I can.
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Day off
Another day, another space to be filled with good, bad or indifferent. The phone and postwoman waking me up about 8 times altogether after a particularly late night meant I still didn't recover till about 5pm.
So I went and took the two photos below, but the traffic was so solid I couldn't get near the North Circular, and Neasden roundabout appears now jammed all day every day. Having all the new lights going north to Kingsbury sealed its fate a few years ago, and there are very few other routes.
So I came home, caught up watching my soaps and went out to get some more food. I didn't get round to many of the paperwork type jobs but they can wait. Meanwhile life passes, like wind, sometimes smelly, sometimes funny, and like today almost silent. Excuse me...
Anyway, talking about this sort of thing with Sharon, I wondered in the huge idle moment of a whole day if I advertised myself what sort of balance the plus and minus points would amount to as I am a very difficult package for many to handle. I don't dare post on a public forum, but I would like women to mark me out of -10 to +10, as the negative qualities can score minus points. I would like this to be an interactive thread.
--------------------------------------------------------
On offer: One man, never used, no ties.
Own house and car
5'5'' age 46
Qualified but hardly working with it
Has periods of agoraphobia
Filthy sense of humour
Keeps records of everything
Can't cook
Can play piano and paint
Hates restaurants and can't cope with many audiences
Almost given up travelling
Will always try and entertain with impressions
Fascinated by the supernatural
Never argues (almost impossible to find one example with friends)
Happy to stay in and watch TV, sometimes for days
Likes to gossip about everyone he knows (in a curious way, not malicious)
Collects things professionally
Has an almost video like memory
Is very class/education conscious
Likes to exercise regularly (weights, tennis, cycling)
Spends ages taking photos and videos of local views and friends
Believes religion to be a childish man made waste of time
Sees political correctness as a cousin of Naziism
Is never afraid to be honest, to the extent of embarrassing self and others as a child would
Thinks farts, foreigners, bogies, and impressions are funny
Loves talking about himself (as you can see)
Can't do silence in a conversation
Happiest when making people laugh
Very good with money so doesn't need to earn much
Hates working
Only becomes active at night so can't wake up before lunchtime
--------------------------------------------
I think that covers more or less the main points. I am fascinated to learn how many women are put off by my eccentric way of life and personal problems. Like buying a house, as long as the roof doesn't leak you can use it, but may not want to waste your money on it when there are better ones around.
Votes please ladies!
So I went and took the two photos below, but the traffic was so solid I couldn't get near the North Circular, and Neasden roundabout appears now jammed all day every day. Having all the new lights going north to Kingsbury sealed its fate a few years ago, and there are very few other routes.
So I came home, caught up watching my soaps and went out to get some more food. I didn't get round to many of the paperwork type jobs but they can wait. Meanwhile life passes, like wind, sometimes smelly, sometimes funny, and like today almost silent. Excuse me...
Anyway, talking about this sort of thing with Sharon, I wondered in the huge idle moment of a whole day if I advertised myself what sort of balance the plus and minus points would amount to as I am a very difficult package for many to handle. I don't dare post on a public forum, but I would like women to mark me out of -10 to +10, as the negative qualities can score minus points. I would like this to be an interactive thread.
--------------------------------------------------------
On offer: One man, never used, no ties.
Own house and car
5'5'' age 46
Qualified but hardly working with it
Has periods of agoraphobia
Filthy sense of humour
Keeps records of everything
Can't cook
Can play piano and paint
Hates restaurants and can't cope with many audiences
Almost given up travelling
Will always try and entertain with impressions
Fascinated by the supernatural
Never argues (almost impossible to find one example with friends)
Happy to stay in and watch TV, sometimes for days
Likes to gossip about everyone he knows (in a curious way, not malicious)
Collects things professionally
Has an almost video like memory
Is very class/education conscious
Likes to exercise regularly (weights, tennis, cycling)
Spends ages taking photos and videos of local views and friends
Believes religion to be a childish man made waste of time
Sees political correctness as a cousin of Naziism
Is never afraid to be honest, to the extent of embarrassing self and others as a child would
Thinks farts, foreigners, bogies, and impressions are funny
Loves talking about himself (as you can see)
Can't do silence in a conversation
Happiest when making people laugh
Very good with money so doesn't need to earn much
Hates working
Only becomes active at night so can't wake up before lunchtime
--------------------------------------------
I think that covers more or less the main points. I am fascinated to learn how many women are put off by my eccentric way of life and personal problems. Like buying a house, as long as the roof doesn't leak you can use it, but may not want to waste your money on it when there are better ones around.
Votes please ladies!
Neasden Parade
Made famous by Private Eye magazine in the 60s, this is also where I bought my original school uniforms from Myer's, which was there till not that long ago probably where the wine bar is now. It's also my yahoo ID as so few others were available.
Freedom 2
Apart from work (yes, I do occasionally, but can't discuss it here as it's classified information) I saw a car I may be buying today and finally met my new neighbour in the attached house. There wasn't a chance to drive said car but as long as it's ok inside and goes up hills in top gear I may be interested.
I am now free for a while, and am so unused to getting up using an alarm (the clocks went forward so the two days out of three I had to meant my body thought the alarm was still going off at last week's times) I was knackered most of the day since the first alarm went off on Sunday. It's nothing to do with how long I sleep, basically if I'm woken up unnaturally and can't stay in bed I rarely recover for most of the day. This has got worse over the years especially as it's something I rarely need to do since losing my job, but even then it always took me about 3 hours to properly wake up when I did. It's no different from holding on to go to the toilet or not eating for hours when you're busy at work.
Our bodies, like pets and farm animals, are designed to work automatically. If wild animals live freely they eat when hungry, sleep when tired and wake up when nature intends. We are the same. So by trying to regulate what we do when to fit in with 'society' the stress each new denial puts on our body must lose a minute or two off our lives each time we do it, and each one will have a greater or lesser ill effect as time passes, till we start to notice as I have. It's only a matter of time, and people who age badly, with organs failing and energy going are more than likely simply being paid back for treating their bodies like slaves. If we were allowed to wake up when we needed to, the health benefits would easily override any inconvenience for turning up at work at odd times, and we'd know our rough limits if making appointments and plan the earliest well after our normal waking time. It wouldn't take long to settle down as I've used this system ever since I lost my job except when forced not to, and my sleeping times are almost clockwork when allowed free. Unless I sleep badly in which case I lose a few hours waiting to sleep after being woken up by calls of nature, postmen, builders etc which can't be planned for.
Relieving every possible aspect of stress in life before it becomes 'necessary' (ie causes symptoms) should be a priority, unlike a last resort as with most brainwashed workers. People who work 60 hour weeks should be drugged to stop them as they set a terrible example to the world that this is acceptable. No it isn't. We don't live to 500 so we can retire at 65 and be fit enough to have a full life. Many people die within a year of retirement as they have nothing left physically. Even if they don't, what the hell can you do at 65 compared to 30 when you can do almost anything? What about having time for your children while they are still at home? My parents were at work all hours and if I was off school was on my own as am an only child. People need free time before they retire, and with flexible hours (a few places operate them perfectly well already) and preferably a standard three day week (as we had during the fuel crisis) where everyone worked solidly every day knowing it was only going to last half the week. Production was better than at any other time. It would also more or less remove unemployment as people would all have a chance to take up the slack of the times places needed manning.
So, back to nature is the message. Did the hippies say that? I can't remember, all I remember was free love, peace, flower power and long hair. But I'm sure that must have been an element, dropping out is only that if you think about it, and hippies were well into that. Being both in the medical field as a therapist and a patient I have seen life from both sides and realise the damage we're causing in such a slow and subtle way we only realise we've gone too far when it's too late. Most people (I hear them all the time and am amazed) think they can push their bodies at will with no ill effects 'because nothing's happened yet'. Then when it does they assume there's no connection with the disgusting way they've treated themselves (includes smoking as well of course) and think they're 'unlucky'. My bloody backside they are. If they'd treated a donkey like that they'd have been locked up by the RSPCA, but they happily treat themselves worse than a slavemaster would have, believing mind over matter applies to humans simply because they can.
That reminds me of a story (probably true) about a British man who learnt yoga in India. One of the tricks was to control your breath so you could slow it down or speed it up at will, and tweak around with it indefinitely. The story goes one day he stopped his practice and found he'd overridden his natural breathing mechanism, and had to deliberately breathe for two days until it came back. Everything we do to ourselves on smaller areas are no different, and the older we get, the more we notice the effects. I think 40 is the usual turning point. I think the world needs educating here, and I will write one of my usual articles on it, and publicise the message, as prevention is better at any cost, as it's no good being rich in hospital. Earn a packet and die before you can spend it, and leave your children without a parent. That's one scenario and only the worst of many similar.
Our bodies are designed to tell us what to do, not the opposite, but most people have forgotten this.
I am now free for a while, and am so unused to getting up using an alarm (the clocks went forward so the two days out of three I had to meant my body thought the alarm was still going off at last week's times) I was knackered most of the day since the first alarm went off on Sunday. It's nothing to do with how long I sleep, basically if I'm woken up unnaturally and can't stay in bed I rarely recover for most of the day. This has got worse over the years especially as it's something I rarely need to do since losing my job, but even then it always took me about 3 hours to properly wake up when I did. It's no different from holding on to go to the toilet or not eating for hours when you're busy at work.
Our bodies, like pets and farm animals, are designed to work automatically. If wild animals live freely they eat when hungry, sleep when tired and wake up when nature intends. We are the same. So by trying to regulate what we do when to fit in with 'society' the stress each new denial puts on our body must lose a minute or two off our lives each time we do it, and each one will have a greater or lesser ill effect as time passes, till we start to notice as I have. It's only a matter of time, and people who age badly, with organs failing and energy going are more than likely simply being paid back for treating their bodies like slaves. If we were allowed to wake up when we needed to, the health benefits would easily override any inconvenience for turning up at work at odd times, and we'd know our rough limits if making appointments and plan the earliest well after our normal waking time. It wouldn't take long to settle down as I've used this system ever since I lost my job except when forced not to, and my sleeping times are almost clockwork when allowed free. Unless I sleep badly in which case I lose a few hours waiting to sleep after being woken up by calls of nature, postmen, builders etc which can't be planned for.
Relieving every possible aspect of stress in life before it becomes 'necessary' (ie causes symptoms) should be a priority, unlike a last resort as with most brainwashed workers. People who work 60 hour weeks should be drugged to stop them as they set a terrible example to the world that this is acceptable. No it isn't. We don't live to 500 so we can retire at 65 and be fit enough to have a full life. Many people die within a year of retirement as they have nothing left physically. Even if they don't, what the hell can you do at 65 compared to 30 when you can do almost anything? What about having time for your children while they are still at home? My parents were at work all hours and if I was off school was on my own as am an only child. People need free time before they retire, and with flexible hours (a few places operate them perfectly well already) and preferably a standard three day week (as we had during the fuel crisis) where everyone worked solidly every day knowing it was only going to last half the week. Production was better than at any other time. It would also more or less remove unemployment as people would all have a chance to take up the slack of the times places needed manning.
So, back to nature is the message. Did the hippies say that? I can't remember, all I remember was free love, peace, flower power and long hair. But I'm sure that must have been an element, dropping out is only that if you think about it, and hippies were well into that. Being both in the medical field as a therapist and a patient I have seen life from both sides and realise the damage we're causing in such a slow and subtle way we only realise we've gone too far when it's too late. Most people (I hear them all the time and am amazed) think they can push their bodies at will with no ill effects 'because nothing's happened yet'. Then when it does they assume there's no connection with the disgusting way they've treated themselves (includes smoking as well of course) and think they're 'unlucky'. My bloody backside they are. If they'd treated a donkey like that they'd have been locked up by the RSPCA, but they happily treat themselves worse than a slavemaster would have, believing mind over matter applies to humans simply because they can.
That reminds me of a story (probably true) about a British man who learnt yoga in India. One of the tricks was to control your breath so you could slow it down or speed it up at will, and tweak around with it indefinitely. The story goes one day he stopped his practice and found he'd overridden his natural breathing mechanism, and had to deliberately breathe for two days until it came back. Everything we do to ourselves on smaller areas are no different, and the older we get, the more we notice the effects. I think 40 is the usual turning point. I think the world needs educating here, and I will write one of my usual articles on it, and publicise the message, as prevention is better at any cost, as it's no good being rich in hospital. Earn a packet and die before you can spend it, and leave your children without a parent. That's one scenario and only the worst of many similar.
Our bodies are designed to tell us what to do, not the opposite, but most people have forgotten this.
Saturday, March 25, 2006
Achievements
As is goes, I've done a heck of a lot this week. It makes a change and at least means the tablets have given me my strength back.
I've shown the photos I took toady, just before the heavens opened, and as flickr needs a week to reopen I posted photos of each area with a short description on Funtrivia, where I have my 'clean' blog now, and means we get to know a lot more members than we mixed with before.
I have just about sorted out the painting, only tiny details left, and I'll call it a day. Not enough detail is possible with watercolour so I won't try and overdo it, as long as everything looks reasonable it'll be framed and shown as it is, and scanned for here.
I saw an old friend from Manchester for the first time in a few years this week, which made a change. Dentist on Wednesday (the crown is high after a few days to test) so will have to get it rubbed down next time I'm there. I now have a selection of wonderful work forms to fill in next, which is on top of the continuing essays I will be writing for the course. And I don't get paid for any of it, it's all admin and I actually have to pay to submit most of them. Looking over this page I hope it doesn't bore the readers as much as it bores me. By slagging off God yesterday (as have many great academics recently) I may have set myself up for trouble if I'm wrong, but he hasn't got me yet. And as they showed in the Star Trek film, any God who punished us for disbelieving wouldn't be God, just an evil entity. I doubt there's any entity, besides the one writing here. See it all as a dream and even though we can suddenly waken to know it's a dream and everything in it is us, we still can barely control it.
Where the control comes may be the phenomenon of becoming an adept. One who can control their circumstances with the power of their thought. Few people offer public ways of this, one book I have with a way would need so much effort you may as well carry on as before as the way they offer really isn't worth the trouble, especially should you spend six months practicing tp find out it doesn't work. Instead I tried methods that took a couple of hours effort to find they didn't work. Far more economical waste of time.
I expect there's an exact figure relating to the amount of influence we have over our lives. Taking into account every element common to life as a human being, you could enter all the data and discover each individual can direct 3.5% of their lives.
That's the amount I'd expect, though whatever figure arose we could do nothing more than we can whether it feels like we have more or less power than we do. And we've got to accept that.
Human nature isn't satisfied with it though, and wants more power. Buddhists go the other way, and say we have no power and should accept whatever happens as it is, while doing our best as that is our true way. I turned it on its head though. Buddhists say you will only become enlightened once you accept everything as it is. I think a silly bugger got in somewhere and turned the true theory backwards. It makes sense if you say 'Once you are enlightened, you accept everything as it is'. That's what keeps me looking, and otherwise it would be saying the same as if you can lift 100kg you can go to the gym regularly. No, if you go to the gym regularly you can lift 100kg. The result has to be achieved from the growth, not the other way round! Accepting everything as it is is so against our natures as to confound the logic of anyone who still believes it to be the route. It's the bloody effect of enlightenment, not the cause. The cause is good practice, (as my legal mind always adds) assuming it exists at all...
Meanwhile my dream continues, and if it's still raining my potential walk will turn into more time on the internet. But little changes at the moment really, just less of it.
I've shown the photos I took toady, just before the heavens opened, and as flickr needs a week to reopen I posted photos of each area with a short description on Funtrivia, where I have my 'clean' blog now, and means we get to know a lot more members than we mixed with before.
I have just about sorted out the painting, only tiny details left, and I'll call it a day. Not enough detail is possible with watercolour so I won't try and overdo it, as long as everything looks reasonable it'll be framed and shown as it is, and scanned for here.
I saw an old friend from Manchester for the first time in a few years this week, which made a change. Dentist on Wednesday (the crown is high after a few days to test) so will have to get it rubbed down next time I'm there. I now have a selection of wonderful work forms to fill in next, which is on top of the continuing essays I will be writing for the course. And I don't get paid for any of it, it's all admin and I actually have to pay to submit most of them. Looking over this page I hope it doesn't bore the readers as much as it bores me. By slagging off God yesterday (as have many great academics recently) I may have set myself up for trouble if I'm wrong, but he hasn't got me yet. And as they showed in the Star Trek film, any God who punished us for disbelieving wouldn't be God, just an evil entity. I doubt there's any entity, besides the one writing here. See it all as a dream and even though we can suddenly waken to know it's a dream and everything in it is us, we still can barely control it.
Where the control comes may be the phenomenon of becoming an adept. One who can control their circumstances with the power of their thought. Few people offer public ways of this, one book I have with a way would need so much effort you may as well carry on as before as the way they offer really isn't worth the trouble, especially should you spend six months practicing tp find out it doesn't work. Instead I tried methods that took a couple of hours effort to find they didn't work. Far more economical waste of time.
I expect there's an exact figure relating to the amount of influence we have over our lives. Taking into account every element common to life as a human being, you could enter all the data and discover each individual can direct 3.5% of their lives.
That's the amount I'd expect, though whatever figure arose we could do nothing more than we can whether it feels like we have more or less power than we do. And we've got to accept that.
Human nature isn't satisfied with it though, and wants more power. Buddhists go the other way, and say we have no power and should accept whatever happens as it is, while doing our best as that is our true way. I turned it on its head though. Buddhists say you will only become enlightened once you accept everything as it is. I think a silly bugger got in somewhere and turned the true theory backwards. It makes sense if you say 'Once you are enlightened, you accept everything as it is'. That's what keeps me looking, and otherwise it would be saying the same as if you can lift 100kg you can go to the gym regularly. No, if you go to the gym regularly you can lift 100kg. The result has to be achieved from the growth, not the other way round! Accepting everything as it is is so against our natures as to confound the logic of anyone who still believes it to be the route. It's the bloody effect of enlightenment, not the cause. The cause is good practice, (as my legal mind always adds) assuming it exists at all...
Meanwhile my dream continues, and if it's still raining my potential walk will turn into more time on the internet. But little changes at the moment really, just less of it.
Sneak preview
As flickr is full till next week, here are three of the photos supposed to be there. Click to enlarge as usual.
Path to Brent Cross Station
Sign to same place (worse for wear)
Belvedere Court, Hampstead Garden Suburb
Path to Brent Cross Station
Sign to same place (worse for wear)
Belvedere Court, Hampstead Garden Suburb
Yet another video
This Paul is a comic genius. Quote "Sir, is pussy kosher?"
Woody Allen should start looking for new material before he loses his job...
Woody Allen should start looking for new material before he loses his job...
Clouds
A really big, grey, dirty cloud can be enough to block out the sun and even the memory the sun ever existed at all. I managed to poke little holes in my Sunday cloud with some hope from other areas and I sure needed it. The tablets may help which I will try tomorrow to test their effectiveness, as they are taken as and when needed.
With that out of the way, I can report. I was busy all day today right from this seat. Business calls lasted all day and wore me right out. I was sold an ad campaign on the phone for over half an hour, but a one off fee and will return after two calls materialise. But the other detailed the next TV filming should repeat the previous experience for a different series and if confirmed will be done in June right here. Can't wait! And not connected with seeing me already, but from a website about me.
So, business and business and business. I went to my mum as usual after that, returned and sorted my email, and here I am telling three people about it (I still suspect my hit counter adds page turns rather than visitors, which may not be a good system. That or I don't understand how it works...).
This is a very nice blue by the way, though will differ on the beige background when it's posted. China blue is the likely name, in case anyone's that fascinated.
So, tomorrow no gym, no trip south or away as I have to stay here for the tombstone performance (if I go) on Sunday. That is the cloud I mentioned and though I must have been to 50 similar affairs my recent health has been so dodgy I hate to risk all I've worked on for one stupid affair they won't miss me in at all. As Sharon pointed out, they have no idea the physical and mental pressure it puts me under (though I have let them know the position) and in a perfect world I'd say 'No need to come if you're not up to it', but not many people do.
Which brings me to heaven. Yes, it follows perfectly. I realised where is heaven? My friend Gabriel spits out the phrase 'comfort zone' as if it's a retarded home for no hopers. No, it's heaven. I'll explain. One day a funeral is within my comfort zone, another it's not. Simple solution. Only go when it is. End of, extend to every situation in life infinitely and close the door. Heaven. We can't and never have to leave our personal comfort zones for any reason, ever.
If I was God, I'd say 'What qualifies a human being for heaven? I know, being alive and human. Plus all the animals can as well. They deserve it'
I'd then teach in the bible which I'd leave no doubt I wrote (maybe a signed photo on each?) with instructions how to keep the peace, literally.
Why do most images of God and Jesus have long hair and beards? They're fucking hippies man! Obvious! All that puritanism and ascetism is the farthest away you can get to God if you try. Why did they all flock to India and Nepal? For the true teaching. Sex is good. Love is good. Pain is bad. So simple, and people rarely realise an order to attend an event is hell personified. Make an offer. If you want to come I'd be happy to see you there, if not, I'll still like you. I think if I ever have a formal again I'll write that on every card and set an example. NB Credit where it's due, my hypnotherapist taught me that one. I can't take credit for other's genius thank you!
Anyway, heaven is possible besides illness, which God clearly decided in his wisdom was there to give us something to prove his loving miracles by curing one person in a million without giving medical treatment. My arse he did. There are more holes in creationism than a football team of lepers. It's all rot, the clearer people like me tell it the harder those with faith may be able to avoid what is staring us all in the face. Do we vomit and cry with pain as God designed us perfect? Those who see it as his plan should be first given those illnesses (not that I could as God as I'd remove the chance to have them) and lined up and shot.
Excuse my candour at times, but fire sometimes has to be returned with fire, but of a positive kind. Anti-fire maybe. But gradually if one person questions the naive view they have had thrust into them since schooldays I'll have done it for a purpose.
End of sermon!
With that out of the way, I can report. I was busy all day today right from this seat. Business calls lasted all day and wore me right out. I was sold an ad campaign on the phone for over half an hour, but a one off fee and will return after two calls materialise. But the other detailed the next TV filming should repeat the previous experience for a different series and if confirmed will be done in June right here. Can't wait! And not connected with seeing me already, but from a website about me.
So, business and business and business. I went to my mum as usual after that, returned and sorted my email, and here I am telling three people about it (I still suspect my hit counter adds page turns rather than visitors, which may not be a good system. That or I don't understand how it works...).
This is a very nice blue by the way, though will differ on the beige background when it's posted. China blue is the likely name, in case anyone's that fascinated.
So, tomorrow no gym, no trip south or away as I have to stay here for the tombstone performance (if I go) on Sunday. That is the cloud I mentioned and though I must have been to 50 similar affairs my recent health has been so dodgy I hate to risk all I've worked on for one stupid affair they won't miss me in at all. As Sharon pointed out, they have no idea the physical and mental pressure it puts me under (though I have let them know the position) and in a perfect world I'd say 'No need to come if you're not up to it', but not many people do.
Which brings me to heaven. Yes, it follows perfectly. I realised where is heaven? My friend Gabriel spits out the phrase 'comfort zone' as if it's a retarded home for no hopers. No, it's heaven. I'll explain. One day a funeral is within my comfort zone, another it's not. Simple solution. Only go when it is. End of, extend to every situation in life infinitely and close the door. Heaven. We can't and never have to leave our personal comfort zones for any reason, ever.
If I was God, I'd say 'What qualifies a human being for heaven? I know, being alive and human. Plus all the animals can as well. They deserve it'
I'd then teach in the bible which I'd leave no doubt I wrote (maybe a signed photo on each?) with instructions how to keep the peace, literally.
Why do most images of God and Jesus have long hair and beards? They're fucking hippies man! Obvious! All that puritanism and ascetism is the farthest away you can get to God if you try. Why did they all flock to India and Nepal? For the true teaching. Sex is good. Love is good. Pain is bad. So simple, and people rarely realise an order to attend an event is hell personified. Make an offer. If you want to come I'd be happy to see you there, if not, I'll still like you. I think if I ever have a formal again I'll write that on every card and set an example. NB Credit where it's due, my hypnotherapist taught me that one. I can't take credit for other's genius thank you!
Anyway, heaven is possible besides illness, which God clearly decided in his wisdom was there to give us something to prove his loving miracles by curing one person in a million without giving medical treatment. My arse he did. There are more holes in creationism than a football team of lepers. It's all rot, the clearer people like me tell it the harder those with faith may be able to avoid what is staring us all in the face. Do we vomit and cry with pain as God designed us perfect? Those who see it as his plan should be first given those illnesses (not that I could as God as I'd remove the chance to have them) and lined up and shot.
Excuse my candour at times, but fire sometimes has to be returned with fire, but of a positive kind. Anti-fire maybe. But gradually if one person questions the naive view they have had thrust into them since schooldays I'll have done it for a purpose.
End of sermon!
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Random Wednesday
Part two of nothing... But I'm here, back from the dentist, and decided to use the space to see what appeared. The treatment is officially finished, the crown feels a bit high but is likely to settle down I was told. Not a major deal though.
Tomorrow is virtually free, one business affair planned in the afternoon and grandma later, but otherwise I can try and finish my painting (nearly there) or even take more pictures (just above zero, end of March, typical). It's not too late now so I don't feel guilty or in a rush to finish before 3am, so can relax and see what I want to talk about beyond today's essential business which included a visit to the gym which I'm sure everyone wanted to know.
Any philosophy may be drying up. Theory is interesting, but reality is bigger than all of us, and we really all witness every part of it, either as a participant or observer, but not the scriptwriter. I had a dream last night where a huge Native American told me I wouldn't satisfy my heart for 200 years. Somehow it made sense. Looking backwards I 'satisfied my heart' so long ago I wouldn't dare mention it here. Each time since was interrupted half way or never made it, and my health is bound to have suffered as a result. Being a therapist, I am well aware of the benefits of physical and sexual contact. Sex and laughter are the best treatments, the rest are often needed from lack of them. But sex is like food. You can eat dog food or the best cuisine, and even when starving will know the difference. It has to be the right person or it sadly barely counts. So I have had what anyone would call an active sex life. I know I moan like I've missed out on a lot, but that is one area most people who know me tell me is above the average.
But the response meter goes from zero to infinity, and depends on who you touch before you respond. That is more or less fixed, and once tested (I can look most of the time and tell, just instinct) is, like food, better than nothing, but unless it crosses the 'red line' isn't any use as therapy. But it's not just me. Like the Dutch, sex on the national health would be the best move they could make worldwide. In France sex therapy is often practical, I knew one woman here who offered it openly while being professionally qualified, but she appeared unique. A man would last one second if it came out publically. What a position- anyway, it would help me and it would help most people with crap lives who only need simple pleasures and friendship to fix a basically dead life. It seems a little epidemic at the moment, and I'm realising we only want the same things in life, and those who have missed it for a long time will react as a result. Who wouldn't?
So you get advice about all sorts of philosophical and complicated practical plans when the best result would come from a good seeing to. With the right person preferably, but it all helps.
But as for company that again must be one that passes the red line test, or the person becomes a pain in the arse you want to get rid of. I've had tenants and at least one friend staying here who proved that point. I've sent offers away as each person fits another more or less like a key and a lock, and few people open our locks and we have to wait for them rather than force them with the wrong key and break ourselves as a result. Had plenty of girlfriends like that as well, I couldn't get rid of them quick enough once I realised they weren't right. The rest did it to me. That was apparently what the dream was about, it was some sort of destiny that something on those lines was meant to happen. Of course unless there's a higher power in charge life (as I said at the top) is random, but in my life and most others you can see they are more than that. Guided but in very silly ways. Like a book written by a 5 year old. It has a clear story and fits, but no sense at all.
I give up... (for today).
Tomorrow is virtually free, one business affair planned in the afternoon and grandma later, but otherwise I can try and finish my painting (nearly there) or even take more pictures (just above zero, end of March, typical). It's not too late now so I don't feel guilty or in a rush to finish before 3am, so can relax and see what I want to talk about beyond today's essential business which included a visit to the gym which I'm sure everyone wanted to know.
Any philosophy may be drying up. Theory is interesting, but reality is bigger than all of us, and we really all witness every part of it, either as a participant or observer, but not the scriptwriter. I had a dream last night where a huge Native American told me I wouldn't satisfy my heart for 200 years. Somehow it made sense. Looking backwards I 'satisfied my heart' so long ago I wouldn't dare mention it here. Each time since was interrupted half way or never made it, and my health is bound to have suffered as a result. Being a therapist, I am well aware of the benefits of physical and sexual contact. Sex and laughter are the best treatments, the rest are often needed from lack of them. But sex is like food. You can eat dog food or the best cuisine, and even when starving will know the difference. It has to be the right person or it sadly barely counts. So I have had what anyone would call an active sex life. I know I moan like I've missed out on a lot, but that is one area most people who know me tell me is above the average.
But the response meter goes from zero to infinity, and depends on who you touch before you respond. That is more or less fixed, and once tested (I can look most of the time and tell, just instinct) is, like food, better than nothing, but unless it crosses the 'red line' isn't any use as therapy. But it's not just me. Like the Dutch, sex on the national health would be the best move they could make worldwide. In France sex therapy is often practical, I knew one woman here who offered it openly while being professionally qualified, but she appeared unique. A man would last one second if it came out publically. What a position- anyway, it would help me and it would help most people with crap lives who only need simple pleasures and friendship to fix a basically dead life. It seems a little epidemic at the moment, and I'm realising we only want the same things in life, and those who have missed it for a long time will react as a result. Who wouldn't?
So you get advice about all sorts of philosophical and complicated practical plans when the best result would come from a good seeing to. With the right person preferably, but it all helps.
But as for company that again must be one that passes the red line test, or the person becomes a pain in the arse you want to get rid of. I've had tenants and at least one friend staying here who proved that point. I've sent offers away as each person fits another more or less like a key and a lock, and few people open our locks and we have to wait for them rather than force them with the wrong key and break ourselves as a result. Had plenty of girlfriends like that as well, I couldn't get rid of them quick enough once I realised they weren't right. The rest did it to me. That was apparently what the dream was about, it was some sort of destiny that something on those lines was meant to happen. Of course unless there's a higher power in charge life (as I said at the top) is random, but in my life and most others you can see they are more than that. Guided but in very silly ways. Like a book written by a 5 year old. It has a clear story and fits, but no sense at all.
I give up... (for today).
Different angles?
How many angles can you see a situation from? From here things are just exactly as they are. Dead, with no hope of any changes ahead. Zen sees it as something to be transcended as it's only whne we give value to anything do we suffer from it. But that's how we are made, things feel good or bad until we learn to find the tiny gap between awareness and reaction, let it expand and no longer be affected by it.
But that may take many years if even possible, and we still have to suffer until then. That's not my choice, that is how every one of us is designed, we have to start by assigning a positive or negative value to every feeling, and then a few in the world at any one time learn to overcome that tendency.
So today's situation of nothing now and no hope ahead is a true test of whether I can be shown any new angles to look at it from. Hope is a devious bugger anyway, as the times something good really happened it rarely announced itself in advance, it just turned up suddenly. Of course when something's timetabled like my TV programme you have something to cling to, but these are incredibly rare peak experiences with no guaranteed benefits afterwards. I can only tell it how it is but could I describe today in not only an interesting way but a positive one? That's my test.
All I did was work and go to my grandma. I earned a little money, but that was it. There's no more I can add to such a day in way of spicing up the description besides a grandma style detailed version, adding I had lunch nearly 4pm and swapped my flickr photos to photobucket for forum use to free up 20 more spaces. But though there's no real need to spice up the report, there is a need to put a positive slant on it.
This week ahead is truly dire, appointments range from a quick dental appointment (an hour's journey away) to a tombstone setting (our wonderful Jewish second funeral as if attending once wasn't bad enough) and fuck all worth doing in between. That doesn't acknowledge the impossibility to be in the future so not that realistic, but looking forward to something good or bad has been found to be one of the biggest causes or cures for stress, so it does count in the dual world of the illusion. And I have nothing nice ahead and plenty not nice. And no foundations to protect me of a family at home. Thank goodness as long as my physical health remains OK I'll never mind quite as much about the rest of things. But I still have to be here now and when it's empty, boring and offers nothing but what I've mentioned, it's no fun.
So, readers, today's task, should you dare to accept it, is where the hope is now, where I can't see any. And when I look ahead I can't see any indefinitely. Unless my friend in America tells me he plans to return and gives a date in his next email there is none, and that isn't realistic either though rough hints have been dropped and then contradicted. I'm going to finish my painting next time I'm free (Thursday with any luck) and that's about it.
Discovering people can extend their senses at times has been little or no benefit to me either. If I could see auras the world would be not only more interesting but then I may start learning what they mean and using it to help people. But the clairvoyance and telepathy is little practical use, and the people who can't do it couldn't care less others can, as I discovered.
Looking ahead to after the 'non-events' this week is no help either as that just wastes the week between now and then, and further takes me away from the present. Looking at now as recommended is being done, but I see boredom when I watch my feelings and nothing more. That's whether I stop and look or not, it's become so strong it's overwhelming at times, and if I try and distract myself i think of the dentist which is a million times worse, so it's back to boredom.
Then I can go to bed early (no need really tonight but should do just in case something wakes me early as it did today) but that is so depressing it makes me worse.
Anyway, I present today exactly as it is from here, and if there is any hope hidden in it I'll be extremely impressed if anyone can point it out.
But that may take many years if even possible, and we still have to suffer until then. That's not my choice, that is how every one of us is designed, we have to start by assigning a positive or negative value to every feeling, and then a few in the world at any one time learn to overcome that tendency.
So today's situation of nothing now and no hope ahead is a true test of whether I can be shown any new angles to look at it from. Hope is a devious bugger anyway, as the times something good really happened it rarely announced itself in advance, it just turned up suddenly. Of course when something's timetabled like my TV programme you have something to cling to, but these are incredibly rare peak experiences with no guaranteed benefits afterwards. I can only tell it how it is but could I describe today in not only an interesting way but a positive one? That's my test.
All I did was work and go to my grandma. I earned a little money, but that was it. There's no more I can add to such a day in way of spicing up the description besides a grandma style detailed version, adding I had lunch nearly 4pm and swapped my flickr photos to photobucket for forum use to free up 20 more spaces. But though there's no real need to spice up the report, there is a need to put a positive slant on it.
This week ahead is truly dire, appointments range from a quick dental appointment (an hour's journey away) to a tombstone setting (our wonderful Jewish second funeral as if attending once wasn't bad enough) and fuck all worth doing in between. That doesn't acknowledge the impossibility to be in the future so not that realistic, but looking forward to something good or bad has been found to be one of the biggest causes or cures for stress, so it does count in the dual world of the illusion. And I have nothing nice ahead and plenty not nice. And no foundations to protect me of a family at home. Thank goodness as long as my physical health remains OK I'll never mind quite as much about the rest of things. But I still have to be here now and when it's empty, boring and offers nothing but what I've mentioned, it's no fun.
So, readers, today's task, should you dare to accept it, is where the hope is now, where I can't see any. And when I look ahead I can't see any indefinitely. Unless my friend in America tells me he plans to return and gives a date in his next email there is none, and that isn't realistic either though rough hints have been dropped and then contradicted. I'm going to finish my painting next time I'm free (Thursday with any luck) and that's about it.
Discovering people can extend their senses at times has been little or no benefit to me either. If I could see auras the world would be not only more interesting but then I may start learning what they mean and using it to help people. But the clairvoyance and telepathy is little practical use, and the people who can't do it couldn't care less others can, as I discovered.
Looking ahead to after the 'non-events' this week is no help either as that just wastes the week between now and then, and further takes me away from the present. Looking at now as recommended is being done, but I see boredom when I watch my feelings and nothing more. That's whether I stop and look or not, it's become so strong it's overwhelming at times, and if I try and distract myself i think of the dentist which is a million times worse, so it's back to boredom.
Then I can go to bed early (no need really tonight but should do just in case something wakes me early as it did today) but that is so depressing it makes me worse.
Anyway, I present today exactly as it is from here, and if there is any hope hidden in it I'll be extremely impressed if anyone can point it out.
Monday, March 20, 2006
Zen theory
My reading has continued, and the particular progress the teacher expects is seven levels.
1) The stage before zen begins
2) The first year or so where you become more aware of your patterns
3) The next stage where you start to break your patterns
4) The stage where you get your first flash of enlightenment
5) Where it takes over 80-90% of your being
6) Rare 100% state of Buddhahood
But after stage one each stage takes a number of years of sitting, which is a combination of my active awareness but during periods of formalised meditative times. It’s only a variation of practice, and if the sitting practice was stopped and awareness was taken up wherever and whenever possible then the same progress may well be squeezed into a much smaller period.
But one thing both agree on is that there is only one aim. Breaking through the old way of seeing into the truth beyond and then staying there. There seems no doubt this is genuine, and since I’ve seen there is a distinct blank canvas permanently present regardless of whatever else is going on that is all there is to find.
1) The stage before zen begins
2) The first year or so where you become more aware of your patterns
3) The next stage where you start to break your patterns
4) The stage where you get your first flash of enlightenment
5) Where it takes over 80-90% of your being
6) Rare 100% state of Buddhahood
But after stage one each stage takes a number of years of sitting, which is a combination of my active awareness but during periods of formalised meditative times. It’s only a variation of practice, and if the sitting practice was stopped and awareness was taken up wherever and whenever possible then the same progress may well be squeezed into a much smaller period.
But one thing both agree on is that there is only one aim. Breaking through the old way of seeing into the truth beyond and then staying there. There seems no doubt this is genuine, and since I’ve seen there is a distinct blank canvas permanently present regardless of whatever else is going on that is all there is to find.
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