Am I boring you?

One thing stress and boredom can do is allow you to investigate life in great detail, which can be bloody useful but most people can only take so much of it. Even if you read my blog some time ago philosophy only crept in sometimes, but as some people get paid to do it, you're getting mine for free. But it's not all I do by any means. Life almost creeping to a halt at times shifts your focus from telling interesting stories to analysing what's not happening and why. At least it helps my clients as they suffer frequently from the areas I am looking into, and when I begin to see patterns it helps them as well as there's only one truth behind each issue, however complex or hard to find, but few have the need, time and patience to look for it.

Personally anyone with a blog like that would have me reading everything and waiting for more, as I find it all fascinating (as with Nick Roach's site, now becoming his second book). But we are few and far between and besides practicing for working for an obscure publication doing this on my blog will probably have alienated the majority of regulars as the comment count seems to have almost hit zero. I don't think I can stop looking for answers, but I suppose I can do waht every comedian and entertainer has never been able to do to order, 'make me laugh'. When I do that it's never planned and never has been. I can write 10,000 words nowadays on many subjects off the top of my head as like a computer disk it's become so organised and expanded by filling it constantly with information it's now a natural process to waffle. I actually want to be paid for it as it would solve my job prospects in one go, especially as I can work mainly from home as I've been used to for years. So though I can't be funny to order (ever try to piss when the nurse gives you a bottle for a sample?) I will avoid the philosophy every day as I can see when I've worn out my welcome.

Change of subject change of colour:
So, what did I do this week? Better than that, how can I make a week of the expected routine (it reached closer to 95% predictable this time, possibly a record, like the oil price) and I've already mentioned the main parts previously. So can anything be salvaged from a typical Kingsbury week, combined of a few hours work, seeing family and sitting at home or gardening?

Mirages are a bastard and I have many that appear in my life, raising my hopes only to turn to dust almost every time. My trouble finding another girlfriend has meant whenever someone looks even like they'll talk to me who I know and like it feels like they're all ready for marriage. Like a starving person eating almost anything, I blow up their passing interest (before I have time to think) into a romantic novel where the man proposes after a week, she says 'of course I will' and they live happily ever after. What then happens is they ask 'Can you help me with a legal problem', bore the arse of me, and then fuck off when they've got what they need to know. Every fucking time. Except the one who wanted me to accept Jesus as my saviour. At least she was original. Not like the one with a speeding fine, or the other list almost as long as my dick (did I ever tell you... never mind) with long-running battles that I (without the full training) was adequate to handle, as I was free. So though my heart says 'yes!' whenever one of these long-lost women waltzes back into my life after a two year gap, my head sees a technical problem that they know I can sort out before they bugger off for another two years. That's always been the same so why should it be different any time in the future?

Well, it gave me something to fantasise about, which does (like heroin) raise my spirits in a totally false way. All it means is possibly if such a condition actually ever does materialise I will be happier than I am now. That's useful as when you're way down you often believe that's how it'll be forever. Again it's the brain's illusion, as for weird reasons when you feel OK it seems like it'll last forever, and the same when you don't. It also means many people who are can't relate to you when you're not and vice versa, and you tend to expect people to feel like you. This is not me bullshitting, it really happens to many people, and the logic is that of childbirth pain. We are designed to forget the worst feelings or we'd be haunted by them. That's fine, but it works the same for both, and doesn't seem to have realised we only need to forget how we felt when we weren't ok, not when we were. That means when you're down you forget you were ever anything else, at least can't recall how you felt better though you know you did. It's how we're designed and besides the useful side is a darn nuisance. As it's my job, I do see enough cases to know when there's a phenomenon, and this is one.

Is there a point? Not yet. But one point I did get this week (I had a lot of spare time alone) was I no longer need to impress anyone. I can relax and not do a thing for anyone else's opinion as long as I pay my bills, that's it. I have to renew my professional qualification every year as well, and that's all. I don't need to show myself or anyone else anything. I was so used to having to bring back results (mainly to my grandparents) that it became a habit that drove me without realising it. The trouble was it makes you check everything you do and feel you've missed out if you 'waste' a week. Well, as long as you are alive and being looked after, ie eating sleeping etc and have a roof over your head, you're OK. There is always more anyway but without the new criteria of a family after qualification time, I got stuck in limbo and felt if I wasn't working I ought to be compensating in some other way. What pressure that is! Well I won't now. It's nobody's business, except British Gas etc who will cut me off if I don't pay. Though money had been tricky as well not that long ago, I doubt I'd ever get in that situation. So I should live the hippy ethos I apply to others and sit back, relax and enjoy life not caring what anyone else thinks so long as I don't hurt anyone.

They showed some old hippies on TV tonight, I was so pleased they hadn't all given up 30 plus years ago as their views would have averted most of the wars we've had since 1970 if adopted by governements. They may have had their crazy element, but their core philosophy was hard to beat. People think if you let everyone free and make their own rules we'd end up like savages, so look at the world now- what have the rules done? Made doing certain acts a crime. But the acts are still done, you just risk punishment for them. The criminals don't actually care about the rules, they are always going to do what they do as they know nothing else. But (as some have told me) take them out of their environment and shove them in a commune and how many people can they rip off or kill? Unless they're criminally insane most would be so lost in one that there just wouldn't be the banks to rob or old ladies to mug as they'd be in a small isolated community where they had everything and shared it. Why steal something when you can have ot for nothing? By the way, even with a small garden I managed for a short time to grow a lot of my own food for almost nothing. Had the gardener not destroyed the patch by dumping his rubbish on it I may have carried on as it was there when I moved in. And home grown vegetables and salad are a lot better for you than ready meals. And organic.

Well, I started by saying I'd leave out the philosophy, but I did so little this week that it left the space for me to think, and I reckon I did pretty well. Just a shame my grandma won't let me grow the little hair I have or I'd have looked the part as well. Remember, why do you think Jesus looked like a hippy?