Hope has flown

What would I do without the internet? I was just looking up what Meatloaf was referring to do anything for love for, except 'that' when Wikipedia explained if you listen to all the words each verse was explaining what he would and wouldn't do except like nearly everyone else on earth, I've never been able to catch them. But now I know. And I always thought he meant anal sex. I wouldn't do that anyway. Not even for money.

Today was the first I couldn't even plan ahead as I'd wrung out the rag of ideas I've been squeezing out for months. Ten days passed since the female friend returned from holiday and not a squeak. I'm keeping out of the way as no call=boyfriend still around. No point banging my head against the wall there. Meanwhile the BBC used one of my photos on their website I took on Friday, so clearly moving up a level in voluntary artistic and media activity. After selling one set of postcards on Tuesday I'm doing the rest of the area tomorrow and the main thing is people like them so I'll hawk more around friends next once the shops are used up. I'd bought prints of loads of paintings of the same area from the gallery and plenty of people prefer photos to paintings but they take about a billionth of the time to create (1/125 of a second on average). Pretty good economy except the printing costs the same as you'd pay retail so all have to be sold at cost purely for the publicity.

I genuinely believe even if I hired a PR manager I couldn't find a woman at will by sheer planning as my family believe. Being limited to so few places for dates also puts me off meeting new ones as at least ones I've been out with before know what I'm like and don't expect everything. I do remember when I could do everything all it did was give us somewhere to go, it never made them like me any more or less wherever I took them. And at 40 plus many other people are happy to go out for tea or the park like the old farts we now are. And I do come across couples happy just to stay in and go at it like rabbits, like one I knew not that long ago myself. I suppose having Brent Cross shopping centre nearby has always been a fallback as I have yet to meet a woman not happy to spend an afternoon there, it seems to have everything they want besides a penis. I used to use IKEA in a similar way myself until there was no more room left for anything they sold there.

One thing we all like but really don't benefit from and I am currently lacking is hope. It clearly feels good to have a few possibilities ahead (which I currently don't) but having made lists few actually happen and those that do make little difference for very long. Mine for instance this year were a national newspaper article (no), the woman with the boyfriend (no) and my 4th TV programme (no). The work has been completed already on all but as Jesus would say, the seeds went into barren land. Like coming in your pants (excuse me). No chance of a result.
So having been raised even higher so I could be dropped from a higher level, I can see the pointless nature (as Buddha taught) of looking ahead to possible events. You dismiss the current normality and feel like shit when they don't happen. I was told the article may be used when the X Files film came out this month and the fuckers (damn, swore again!) wrote an identical article about other people instead of using mine. What is the bloody point and reason for that? The woman, like so many I know, would rather be with someone who appears to have come from a Stanley Kubrick film (ie The Shining) than me or even alone, and the TV programme was finally finished after the original firm went bust only for two of the cast to rebel over the new contract as they didn't understand it. Whether that can scupper an 8 episode series is something only those in the industry would know, but my legal knowledge says yes it can. It would both eliminate two episodes and bugger up the whole continuity as a result and impossible to go ahead without all parties agreement.

Yes, the first 3 went smoothly so not all doom and gloom, but even the stars panic when their careers go cold and mine's barely started. I can't believe once your photo's been seen by 4 million people in a daily paper then the locals and specialist papers won't pick it up, especially as I've been in them a number of times and know how easy it is to get in as so little happens round here. I'm perfectly aware being seen either abroad or on fringe channels will never get you recognised at home, but that's where most people start nowadays and the paper was the equivalent of getting one of them shown on Channel 4. The channel I was recognised on by everyone who knew me in 5 seconds on screen. It is powerful and once seen can never be undone, plus they are usually repeated ad infinitum, as mine certainly are now. My grandpa's main film (as a musician) is on about every year being made about 60 years ago. He died 10 years ago but he's still seen regularly as he got himself on TV. And the final chance is the social life it gets you as people suddenly want to meet you when they've seen you on TV, it's human nature.
So with all my hope gone I have to live in the present, which is good training, but with the nagging sense none of those or more will ever happen now I've missed all my chances. It's the pyramid scenario, the higher you get the less there is there, and the higher you aim the lesser the chances of getting there. Including presentable women. I may actually find it easier to end up on terrestrial TV and a national newspaper than get a woman. That doesn't show how easy it is to do that but how incredibly (I've used up the sweary points for today you see) difficult it is to get a decent woman. For me anyway.