Looking at my possibilities

Choices, go to bed at a sensible time or blog? You already know the answer. A better weekend than possible, two old signs found yesterday and another business issue sorted out today. The week ahead is clear besides letting the charity collectors in at my late grandma's tomorrow and then take my glasses to have new lenses fitted. That will mop up tomorrow during the daylight and the rest is clear, last week's activities were fine at the time but couldn't do them regularly, spreading people out evenly is obviously better but I don't make the rules.

I do recall a time (before the profile links here went for a year) when the blog was quite a busy place. 50 hits a day and regular comments. I'm relieved two people still comment but where are the rest? OK, the two who called me every name known and a few more are quite welcome to disappear, but knowing from experience how few people blog regularly on their own lives (as opposed to reviewing events or gadgets as if they want a job in some shitty magazine with a few million other aspirants) I am one of the few who has kept going from day one. As life keeps going why on earth would I stop?
I don't read as many now admittedly, you lose the habit when not able to, and then none of the old people are still there. I found a few new ones to link and that was it.

Using the many new age methods I should be able to test my own prowess (assuming they aren't cack after all) this week and direct something positive in. Focus on one thing and see. Today would also have been my grandma's 100th birthday, she made 99 and 4 months which was a bit of a waste of all that preparation, but a lot better than nearly everyone else gets. And me, for having a grandma till I was 49. Only my parents now, and then nothing until 2nd cousins. Not a good prospect that. I still can't believe making an effort to find a person or two to support me in the future can make it happen, especially from people I already know who are at arm's length. My most reliable friends return any time from 2012 but may not be local when they do. The only very dubious ways to get company at home are tenants (no thanks, one in 10 may be ok and then bugger off after a few weeks or so), or pay for a carer. Well I can only see my income covering my requirements and not for a second person as well. So what the hell does anyone do? Search me.

As almost guaranteed (I would have bet on it, although a 1/6 chance it always happens) my book arrived the day I'm not here, I knew it would as they always do. So I won't see it till Thursday, no surprise there. I intend to go to the launch as invited to do the photography and explained my position with regard spending any time there. I haven't even walked in a restaurant for years so no idea the odds of a panic attack. It's not that I always do, but the possibility and fear in advance that are the killers, trust me. Besides one actress I was taken with, I can't think of a single celebrity photo I've taken (who has?), mainly as you never know when you'll see one and secondly it's bloody rude to point a camera in their faces in the street. Plenty of autographs as those are normal, but no more. I did get the backs of John and Edward from X Factor from traffic lights last month but not worth looking at.
I'm also checking out a job for the first time in a few years as well. I don't want one mind you, not a tough one anyway like this, but it's the only one I've seen at my professional level I could get to at all so have to investigate. And if you don't really want it then you can almost guarantee they'll offer it to you, just like with women. It's only when you're interested people turn you down, with very few exceptions.

I haven't had a regular job for a very long time. After losing my last I tried almost solidly for 5 years, getting one which lasted a week as there were no customers to be there to serve. Instead of wasting my time I then studied from home for over a year to get my qualifications up to scratch to apply for professional counselling jobs, and when I did the best I got was a single interview after another year and a half trying. It's a job where people are nearly all self employed and the cream get anything regular. I will see. Of the two the photography is far more important for my career as I'm a counsellor already but no media work, and would earn a lot more from the media as well as a lot more variety. I can keep the clients as always but plenty of space for media work and the huge sums of money they pay wouldn't go amiss either. No qualifications required either, just pure chance if you've any talent at all.

Back to zero

It seems no start has finished, a poor record even for me. Neither newspaper came back to me, maybe they've been busier writing about Barack Obama like all the others (no, I've checked), they gain an interest and lose it quicker than a 14 year old girl at a disco. It's the editor's fault rather than the reporters as they make the decision, but they are total arseholes for wasting everyone's time and then deciding it's not as interesting as they thought it would be. I have one official proposal to restore old signs going to a council meeting this time next week, which is a new start, so at least have the interest of the organization who are proposing it for me.

Last week managed to uncover two old signs in the same place, although I went on Tuesday and missed the second although on the same roundabout, and returned a few days later and found the second one. More have turned up the other side of London, up to about 4 definites now so needs another trip. But until then as it needs a weekend to avoid paying to drive there I am lost. Although I'm free for a few days there are no more plans than a tedious online course I've been saving for a time like this. Nothing else really needs doing and will have to trust tomorrow will turn something up like every day has for weeks, although I don't have a single idea left now. No more photo trips left, a voucher to spend at Marks & Spencer, which I expect will cover some of tomorrow and that's the lot.

I am working my way through the phone calls very slowly, and the TV producer says she'll contact the people that need contacting now, which is a first. Finally if anyone wants to know what I can do after 6 years at the gym try and lift a 27.5 kg dumbell. I managed eight lifts for the first time in each hand yesterday with no trouble at all. I'll be going for 30 next. If you can get to a gym and try and pick one up you'll know what 6 years work can do.

Hope has flown

What would I do without the internet? I was just looking up what Meatloaf was referring to do anything for love for, except 'that' when Wikipedia explained if you listen to all the words each verse was explaining what he would and wouldn't do except like nearly everyone else on earth, I've never been able to catch them. But now I know. And I always thought he meant anal sex. I wouldn't do that anyway. Not even for money.

Today was the first I couldn't even plan ahead as I'd wrung out the rag of ideas I've been squeezing out for months. Ten days passed since the female friend returned from holiday and not a squeak. I'm keeping out of the way as no call=boyfriend still around. No point banging my head against the wall there. Meanwhile the BBC used one of my photos on their website I took on Friday, so clearly moving up a level in voluntary artistic and media activity. After selling one set of postcards on Tuesday I'm doing the rest of the area tomorrow and the main thing is people like them so I'll hawk more around friends next once the shops are used up. I'd bought prints of loads of paintings of the same area from the gallery and plenty of people prefer photos to paintings but they take about a billionth of the time to create (1/125 of a second on average). Pretty good economy except the printing costs the same as you'd pay retail so all have to be sold at cost purely for the publicity.

I genuinely believe even if I hired a PR manager I couldn't find a woman at will by sheer planning as my family believe. Being limited to so few places for dates also puts me off meeting new ones as at least ones I've been out with before know what I'm like and don't expect everything. I do remember when I could do everything all it did was give us somewhere to go, it never made them like me any more or less wherever I took them. And at 40 plus many other people are happy to go out for tea or the park like the old farts we now are. And I do come across couples happy just to stay in and go at it like rabbits, like one I knew not that long ago myself. I suppose having Brent Cross shopping centre nearby has always been a fallback as I have yet to meet a woman not happy to spend an afternoon there, it seems to have everything they want besides a penis. I used to use IKEA in a similar way myself until there was no more room left for anything they sold there.

One thing we all like but really don't benefit from and I am currently lacking is hope. It clearly feels good to have a few possibilities ahead (which I currently don't) but having made lists few actually happen and those that do make little difference for very long. Mine for instance this year were a national newspaper article (no), the woman with the boyfriend (no) and my 4th TV programme (no). The work has been completed already on all but as Jesus would say, the seeds went into barren land. Like coming in your pants (excuse me). No chance of a result.
So having been raised even higher so I could be dropped from a higher level, I can see the pointless nature (as Buddha taught) of looking ahead to possible events. You dismiss the current normality and feel like shit when they don't happen. I was told the article may be used when the X Files film came out this month and the fuckers (damn, swore again!) wrote an identical article about other people instead of using mine. What is the bloody point and reason for that? The woman, like so many I know, would rather be with someone who appears to have come from a Stanley Kubrick film (ie The Shining) than me or even alone, and the TV programme was finally finished after the original firm went bust only for two of the cast to rebel over the new contract as they didn't understand it. Whether that can scupper an 8 episode series is something only those in the industry would know, but my legal knowledge says yes it can. It would both eliminate two episodes and bugger up the whole continuity as a result and impossible to go ahead without all parties agreement.

Yes, the first 3 went smoothly so not all doom and gloom, but even the stars panic when their careers go cold and mine's barely started. I can't believe once your photo's been seen by 4 million people in a daily paper then the locals and specialist papers won't pick it up, especially as I've been in them a number of times and know how easy it is to get in as so little happens round here. I'm perfectly aware being seen either abroad or on fringe channels will never get you recognised at home, but that's where most people start nowadays and the paper was the equivalent of getting one of them shown on Channel 4. The channel I was recognised on by everyone who knew me in 5 seconds on screen. It is powerful and once seen can never be undone, plus they are usually repeated ad infinitum, as mine certainly are now. My grandpa's main film (as a musician) is on about every year being made about 60 years ago. He died 10 years ago but he's still seen regularly as he got himself on TV. And the final chance is the social life it gets you as people suddenly want to meet you when they've seen you on TV, it's human nature.
So with all my hope gone I have to live in the present, which is good training, but with the nagging sense none of those or more will ever happen now I've missed all my chances. It's the pyramid scenario, the higher you get the less there is there, and the higher you aim the lesser the chances of getting there. Including presentable women. I may actually find it easier to end up on terrestrial TV and a national newspaper than get a woman. That doesn't show how easy it is to do that but how incredibly (I've used up the sweary points for today you see) difficult it is to get a decent woman. For me anyway.

Monday again

There is no known future, and the present is taken up filling the time there is. One single project remains alive, the TV programme I did a couple of years ago which is now almost ready to go on air. No idea when though. Otherwise I plan a day or less ahead, and the next plan is a trip to Marylebone with the camera. As I'm working till tomorrow that covers me till about Thursday and that's basically how it's happening at the moment.

Ongoing projects still continue, my one man effort to disprove to enough people that global warming is an issue, my work with alien abductees and my plan to promote the Tesla tower, the only proven method to transmit cheap energy. The two big environmental groups took no interest, as they are interested in destroying capitalism, not helping anyone. That's now been tested. Plus no doubt (like Al Gore) they hold stakes in their own version of alternative energy which is a way of ripping people off from another angle.

So for now my blog has to be more entertaining than reality. If I can pull that off. So there's the rude angle (pulling off, jerking off, jacking off, having a wank etc) and any other. I will admit to not reading any blogs for a few weeks, let alone commenting, but why it should have to be a mutual affair as I comment on blogs I search out, not ones who comment on mine. But my small group of followers seem to disappeared to be replaced by who? And when I go out of my way to be controversial (although totally accurate) not a squeak. Only when I dared to say women were less interested in sex than men I got the PC brigade on my arse, and that was by an old friend (admittedly who'd forgotten me completely since then). So either no one's read it or they all agreed with me (which is difficult not to do as my argument was pretty watertight). But I do tune my knowledge doing this, and also the 30,000 plus scientists who signed the petition man made global warming is not proven need as much help as they can get. As the media refuse to bother then it's down to bloggers to fill the space as they can't stop us. I know this to be a fact as Youtube (which is meant to be moderated, unlike this) has the worst Nazi propganda all over it, all of which is regularly reported but has never been removed. So compare that with a totally free site and you can't basically surpress the internet (outside the communist countries anyhow).

Interestingly there are only a couple of people now who bother to disagree with me on global warming. They simply can't. Their case involves data which is either out of date or proven to be false. They have nothing to show us any more. The robbery continues as, like the equally odious Robert Mugabe, no one cares to stop them. Yet. The difference is Mugabe has almost total power over a weak and poverty stricken country, but the world order can only last while the truth is surpressed. Now we have all the facts we need they can't scam us on climate any longer, as new data has now filled the place of their made up cack and cannot be dismissed by anyone with nothing to contradict it but fears for the future. That is not a basis for policy.

Back again as usual

While I'm here and at a loose end (in more ways than one) I may as well return. It's been all sorts of chaos recently. First the bad news about my article (it was The Sun, 4 million potential readers probably down the drain) and then my grandma has a heart attack (but is recovering well).

In between I've had more work than usual, been in touch with more people from Friends Reunited (probably because it's now free so people can at last reply) and got a date for one of my TV programmes to be repeated (DMAX, 30th May 7.30am) in the UK that is. If anyone's got it set it to record Mystery Hunters and you can see me in action.
I've had to make all my own amusement this week, I see my grandma twice a week usually and that was of course not possible so I've also had to make all my own food and keep occupied. The friends I'd go and see in the past are nearly all gone or busy so no alternatives offered, I walk in parks, went food shopping today and bits of housework and gardening. The stray cat who ate and sat here when I wasn't here ran out of food and waited till I came in and asked for it. He now realises he'll be looked after and has decided to behave like a normal cat but really needs a bath.
And castration but I'm not up for that at the moment.

So with the article stillborn I'm back in empty nothing, the 4 1/2 month global quiz comes to an end next week so I'll be free to go to bed earlier so something, but all the women and media are currently non existent. My teacher said not to rely on the unreliable, and however its potential, the media are the most unreliable of the lot, worse even than estate agents. That was a massive lesson in non-attachment and I didn't get it the first time. But I'll never rely on the sods again until I see the stuff on TV or in print. It actually makes getting women look easy in comparison. Far more opportunities.

Well no more actual projects on the go now, I am arranging for someone to regress me to see if I've been abducted by aliens, but expecting very little there. But of course you can never see the big stuff coming, good or bad. Even when someone tells you you will.

More assorted shit

Life as usual is good in parts. The article is now in permanent limbo, officially shelved and unlikely ever to see the light of day except when sent to the bin. That's the media, and That's Life, in capitals, is because the same thing happened with a piece I did for them in 1992 or so, for BBC. They called me to come the same day when I was out, so as I wasn't available to film they sent a photographer the next day instead as the film crew was presumably on a tight schedule. Nothing followed. Shit happens when you work for the media.

Otherwise in my 4th global challenge quiz I qualified as immortal for the first time, the top 30 qualify and now the ones not including past immortals which is around 40. I came 9th already! I have to keep playing to keep the position, but a week or so from tomorrow it should be over. These are the top standard of players worldwide from leagues and TV quizzes so no poor competition but the best.
It was a busy week, more work than usual (usually happens in bunches) and that included a little gardening and dumping rubbish for someone I know without a car. From the 4th floor and 4 trips in the lift to do so. Not as simple as being on the ground floor like most of our rubbish would be. Never mind, it kept me busy. The week ahead is currently free and not one specific plan besides housework and gardening. I'll do some photo trips including Horsenden Hill which is a park in Greenford, although I suspect the photos will look like all the others it's an afternoon out. My days will still be scheduled for the 3 rounds of quizzes a day, split in 3 sections of 8 hours to play them plus a daily one. Then my time will be free for whatever else I want to do but well worth the effort put in so far.

Again, with nothing else known ahead I'm forced to live in the present, the article kept me concerned (quite rightly) for 4 months as my radar told me something was up from the first day. I can do that. It doesn't mean it won't happen but all felt wrong. And boy it was. How long has an editor kept an article before using it before? Who knows? A year? 10 years? I reckon a few months and then they're binned. So as far as I'm concerned that was my chance to get in the papers and now the only way I'll make it is on terrestrial TV which is far more likely as I have a track record. Maybe (as Al suggested) if I get a unique selling point I could become the swearing hypnotist. OK, it's been done before for cooks, but at least I'd enjoy it.

'What did the alien do next?' 'It pulled down my trousers' 'Fuck me, I hope you didn't have a stiffy!' etc. Totally juvenile but look where it's got Gordon Ramsay. Sadly without his F word (Fuck not food unlike the programme of that name) he'd probably still be on GMTV (if he ever was). I personally wouldn't get up that early for anything (OK, maybe the once...).
The next victim, er, woman on my list hasn't called back since I called last week so I assume she is a) no longer single and b) not interested even if she is. One down, who's next? My cleaner? A stranger on the internet as long as they live locally? No one else so I expect I will. I tried one on Facebook and when I clicked her profile it crashed my computer. Twice! Would someone put a virus on their website just to piss people off? Sorry, I meant 'Can' someone put a virus etc, as of course many would but can they? I suspect if an email can then anything else can. If so I'm reporting her.

So, a dead or alive week ahead, sod all to look forward to (nothing unusual there) and all the nice people who commented on the blog recently seem to have vanished. OK, I've been a bit busy to comment myself recently but now you guys know I'm here it would be nice to hear some more.
I know one does pornographic stories, I used to do the odd filthy pages myself but although I suspect they were more popular than the personal stuff they are all a variation on a theme (cock, prick, wank, fart, dog's business, massive erections, tampons, rectums, back door scuttles and now wash your hands). You see what I mean. So short of rearrange the same words and phrases within varying situations to increase the viewers at least my life (and yours) can never be exactly the same each day so report that as usual. A few (ie the great minority) people are still throwing global warming stats at me but the actual figures are so easy to recall after 7 years studying them I can put away every ball for a 6. How and why they continue to believe in the face of evidence frightens me as there are so many sheep out there who will swallow any old crap if supposed to be official. Think for yourselves! Look up the sources they give. Use logic. These stories are good on the surface with nothing behind them, like the Wizard of Oz. It's all one man lying to you. And robbing you. I have no doubt, I may not be able to put a case to disprove God exists (I have tried) but global warming is a holiday. Unless it's all being done by Father Christmas- he would be ideal to use the rest of his time in the year to sit at the North Pole melting the ice. Except it's growing. Sod it, another theory bites the dust...

How the media works

As I will make things worse saying what I want to the people responsible, I'll lay it out here. After almost half a year the article in the newspaper I contributed to may well be pulled. It was set to coincide with the Ministry of Defence (UK) UFO files being released, which happened yesterday. I finally checked up and was told their priorities had changed. I saw this coming when the interviewer said it would be out in a week or two and months had passed, except they did say it was waiting for the files to come out. My career has taken 48 years to develop (if you include my early years contributed) and as any PR agent will know, a career in the media has a few steps. I took the first and easily biggest, to get on TV.

Stage one TV, small niche channels with tiny viewing figures but repeated ad infinitum. Unpaid. That was fine, it would do but would never make me famous. The next steps were either/and going on terrestrial TV with a million plus viewers/being in a newspaper. Well this year I was interviewed, the media equivalent of having an offer accepted on a house. It's half the job done but not binding or final. The bible has a little very trite wisdom in it and planting seeds on stony ground is one. They work like stink, send photographers (who do get paid) all over the country, and use a fraction of the material. I have no control over who wants me and when, and unless one of these two steps happen I will not have a proper media career. From having a firm date to know about this article (ie yesterday) not only has any timeframe gone out of the window but probably the whole lot. I felt this was dodgy from after I did it, I am very sensitive to these sort of negative vibes although not reading the future (these are picked up from the truth behind the present facades) they can change. But I felt they were not serious about the whole thing and that at least was spot on the money. Except I didn't get any of that either.

Of course you have to consider these guys get paid whatever they do. If their editors and owners are happy for them to use a fraction of what they produce and sling out the rest, in fact it's their choice to do so, why should they care? Our careers, business and pleasure, are by-products of other people's aims and wishes and like a ricochet bullet doesn't know or care who it hits. If someone walks down your road and either drops a £20 note or treads on your tortoise, they don't actually notice at the time or intend the consequences, it just happens to you by chance through their actions. The fact someone's whole career can be made by a single article (trust me, I've studied the business) illustrates perfectly how something irrelevant and everyday to one is the whole life for another. Now as people only state a positive, no one will let me know if it's not going to be used, I'll only know if it is. Otherwise I'll just be reading the signs when I've heard nothing within a month and work it out for myself. NB I rarely if ever call people cunts, but I think I'm justified in this case. Pardon me.

Another week in Kingsbury

Another week has passed, and it's been a collection of random events, from taking photos in Tottenham (mainly for the postcodes from road signs for a group) to meeting an online friend who was passing through on his way back to Nigeria yesterday.

I went to a local photo shop of historical pictures to try and sell my albums, and they said they needed to be wholesaled, costing me about £2000 so I didn't bother. It would take most of my life to sell that many by hand like the first lot I did in 1995 which took me over a year and hundreds of miles. One more route eliminated. I also saw the results of the garden photography competition which weren't that different to a couple I entered. How they choose I can't tell but I'm not far off the requirements in comparison.

I've also done heaps more research on global warming simply because more facts are being released every week now. It's impossible to accept there's an issue at all anymore, the evidence has totally fallen apart and new admissions admit even if it happens extreme weather won't increase so what's the fuss about? I now have no doubts and no longer take any notice of the excuses given in reply by the warmists as I know where they are coming from, ie the imaginations of the politicians and mistaken scientists who 10 years later are gradually contradicting their findings. There is no more case and before more people suffer the consequences of criminal taxes and restrictions on more and more areas of normal life the truth has to prevail. Food prices have doubled mainly by swapping its use to biofuel thus creating an artificial shortage. More ways to cripple third world industry on top of the grants for fucking wind turbines that don't actually work. Those are given instead of other forms of aid, not as well as by the way.

I have an unknown week ahead really, more photo trips as per, stations this time, Harrow and maybe Kentish Town. Let's hope I get something better to do when this list runs out, one more in my album will make the 5000 mark in 2 1/2 years. I'm down to my last 2 media projects, waiting years for the final programme to come on and weeks for the newspaper to shit or get off the pot regarding my article. Articles I should way, a week's worth, including mine. That would be a lot of wasted work if they didn't use it and god forbid an insight into the world of media if so. I hope not.

So, I was so busy I didn't update here for a week. Makes a change everyone thinks, and they're right.

Progress or not

Yes I have returned. If anyone thinks my stories are boring you should just try living them instead. Thinking of new things to do every day on your own while promises of media success fade into oblivion is a lot harder than reading about it. And I may start banning anonymous comments again if people haven't got the balls to firstly speak as themselves and secondly write a blog of their own.

I've actually been pretty busy since then, just little local trips but found various little things along the way including an amazing painting for next to nothing I'm now looking for a place to hang. One person I've been waiting for is now around although we haven't arranged an actual meeting date yet. Other than that it's officially less than 3 months till the Ministry of Defence release their first UFO files, and that is what my newspaper article is about. Now if they don't publish it by then it's not going to look very clever. I assume they will know before everyone else with official sources (and unofficial) so will be ready to print, although they said they wanted it done before their release. Not a bloody clue.

It's pretty clear ahead so far (including work wise). I can't think of one profession less reliable than being a therapist as you never know how many times people will come or where the new ones will arrive from. Advertising has no effect and nearly all my customers are from a national directory everyone finds when looking for someone. For those who questioned my credentials to practice I may as well present them now in case there was any doubt.

I finished my degree in law, and rather than become a solicitor after a tough year's further study I preferred to return to my original interest and took a 3 year part time certificate and diploma at counselling at what is now (as is my polytechnic) a university. I then took hypnotherapy and psychotherapy courses to reach the top level of accredited counsellor. That's as good as it gets and the jobs are still nearly impossible to get as the few there are either want women, ethnic minorities, female ethnic minorities or ex drug addicts. ie nothing that applies to me. Plus many jobs advertised are for volunteers. 6 years as a volunteer before and after qualifying was quite enough for me and you never see jobs advertised for volunteers in any other profession, but they think 'counsellors=mugs'. The government do as they haven't recognised it as a profession at all so technically you don't get anything for a qualification, hence my lack of a job.
I worked in a shop while getting the post diploma experience and extra qualifications needed to progress, I was made redundant, applied for hundreds of jobs, got 3 interviews and eventually 1 job in another shop (manager this time) which lasted a week before the place was closed down.

But the media connections I've made since then, although paid not a button or a biscuit have guaranteed three TV appearances show worldwide and another in the pipeline. The fact I've even been used for a national paper article, used or not, means the potential is there, and that would be what is needed to move from unknown volunteer seen by thousands to paid professional seen by millions. I don't know whether this is my only chance to get there, or others may arise afterwards, but job or no job it would have been impossible to do the research and travel London following up experts who claim amazing powers and ufo experiencers. It's not about working, it's about paying the bills. And if you can pay the bills without a job then you lot (you know who you are) should be worshipping me and others like me, not vice versa as you believe. Who's the mug here, you lot working 40+ hours a week with a mortgage hanging over you or me wondering what to do with all my free time?

Maybe the nasty face of jealousy has arisen...

Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble, Grubb

Yes, I've just found a Trumpton video, with my favourite songs and episodes. Felt just like the first time I saw them in 1967 again. You can't return to the 60s but you can bring it here.

On other business I've got a little further on one TV programme, turns out the company got into difficulties when filming and had to pass it along so still hasn't been completed. Nothing to do with the TV people but the producers. I guessed as much and very lucky they haven't dropped it as well. So really three projects on the go, this is taken care of, the other is done but I haven't seen it and the third is the big one should it come off. All I will say for now.

Little work jobs this week, more than usual. Slightly. One delivery came today when I wasn't there but I'm trying the redelivery service online for the first time. Worth a try. I expect it's my 3rd set of Status Quo tapes, having lost or melted the last two over about a 20 year period. Don't leave tapes in the car outside the glove box as they will melt in the sun. Money down the drain. I'm even going to bed a little earlier as I want to do a delivery before my first appointment if possible and can't get up late if I do. I have two more mail orders coming from abroad who knows when and only Uri Geller's more clairvoyant guide knows when anything else on the list will happen. Actually no one can see the future, and even when someone has planned a date they rarely bother to tell the others involved as I've discovered when my TV programmes have been shown before I knew about them. Or in one case put online without telling any of the participants. I was only mentioned in them but nonetheless the people in them would never have known had I not found them by accident.

Little else from day one of week whatever it is 2008, except two people said they'd be seeing me last month and being now this month did not happen. That's the one big problem with the internet, we meet loads of interesting people but almost impossible to meet them. So meanwhile I discover new cafes in parks in Golders Green and Hendon, take photos of stations in Willesden and even now tidy my house. I've lost more things than I've found or put away and doubt anyone pinched most, mainly as not many people come here. Well not ones I'd suspect anyway. Where the Parker pen went the night I had 5 of said people over is still unknown and none of them are like that but it's now vanished from the very room we were in and no answers yet. And my new trousers from my bedroom. Happened all my life really and some reappear years later.

It's not happening

Thursday is over, and just realised I've written this on February 29th. And it's the year of the rat, and I was born in a leap year and rat. That means every 4th sign must hit a leap year. More or less as for whatever reason Chinese years don't match ours exactly.
I was about to talk about something but that just occurred to me.

I'm actually incredibly busy. It seems the lack of outside news has forced me to make my own activities, and each day despite often not having a clue what I'll do have now covered miles of places taking photos and videos, and bough a few little bits and pieces as well. The only contact I've had with the media was an email from one place telling me not to keep emailing them (in a nice way) as they were still waiting for the information. From who- God himself? Fuck me, if my business was organised like that I'd be quite eligible for excommunication. If someone phones you and asks a question then you usually answer, but use email and you can put it off till retirement. Now one trail I followed was correct, a production company I worked with (for an afternoon anyway) did go bust, but the good news was my project was taken on with a few of their staff by another agency. Who don't even answer their fucking phones. For weeks. Had I been a paying customer I expect they'd all get their cocks out and ask me if I wanted a lick, but ex-client (unpaid) and you may as well be a typhoid carrier. Bastards.

I have been told by everyone I know in the media (it's called networking and pure luck in some cases) that this is par for the course. Now OK, if they're nice to everyone until they've finished with them (like the worst salesmen) and then drop them like a used tampon what if they need you again? That is not a way to make yourself a reputation.
Please God the next job gets used and even if not, sooner or later I could reach the status where they may actually respect me and decide I'm worthy of receiving money as well. Meanwhile on a similar vein the last series of Grange Hill (they actually had it last year) was repeated this week on CBBC where it was shifted last year without one viewer knowing (including me). So I though thank goodness, I'm able to see it again. Episode 1 was Monday, oddly at lunchtime when lots of schoolkids are watching. Not. It was scheduled for every day till the series finished and by Tuesday had been cancelled. If it's on again next week I'll get over the treatment, but where the hell did it go and why? They're all at it, the third series of Mystery Hunters apparently was never shown in the USA. They're now starting filming the 4th, and as it's no longer shown here and the USA are still playing repeats then who the hell's meant to see it outside Canada where it's made?

Meanwhile I carry on driving round London with cameras and tidying the house while Rome burns, Prince Harry is in Afghanistan, other items are being used considered more important than my article, producers are losing their businesses, more series are being pulled, women are not thinking about me, new buildings are being planned for after I'll be dead, and nothing actually ever happens or changes.
I still hope to become famous, however long it takes. It's started, very slowly, but has begun. I may not be working that much now to earn it but put in enough in the buildup that it's all a delayed reaction. But a million times more likely than a decent woman. Apparently.

Universal disappointment

Another phase in life, and a real pisser this time. Nearly but not quite, the British disease. In the last few weeks I nearly got published in a national paper, nearly got somewhere with someone who may become a girlfriend, nearly met someone I met online, nearly saw myself in a TV programme and quite a few more I've lost track of.
Of course what this actually means is I didn't get anything and although half this list is likely to happen eventually (and I know exactly which half) it makes the present no more bearable and less boring. I have used the lack of activity to create endless photographic records, venturing further and further into oblivion (Hertfordshire) as you have to keep finding new areas. I am now planning a few videos with me in them instead of filming, and will set that up soon. The almost total lack of outside activities will force me to finish the stuff at home that's been piling up for months and like when the internet goes down will finally start getting looked at.

After a call to the newspaper with no response I've let that one go, if they suddenly do it then great but it's no longer on the system. I'm seeing a producer this week about another programme so keep moving career wise anyhow. Apart from that I have one booking so far this week and am seeing my American cousin on Friday, typical when I have so many the only two I got on with are either abroad or dead. And old as actually my mother's cousins. All the rest are very much local, alive and absent.
So there's no more disappointment left now as there's nothing left not to happen. If that makes sense. I do start to see the sense in the people who left home to meditate for months or more as you can actually see the benefits there and it doesn't rely on anyone else. That should make me do more at home and maybe it will. I haven't stopped but the internet has always seemed to win. I tried to join a forum for the group I joined last night but besides wanting to know virtually how often you wank, do you have impure thoughts and are you a criminal they also called you from abroad and charged you for it. Now a local call costs almost £6 if the charges are reversed as I once discovered, so imagine one from India. I'd rather save the money for my next car.
It was a shame as I'd like to talk with people who understand the same things as me, but not for that price.

So, no business as usual. I've managed to keep incredibly busy since the newspaper interview and even though the ideas are running out hope to continue, but you can't help seeing everything that isn't there, and wondering how each time manages to evaporate to nothing. As I said, some are still possible but no longer officially alive. I'm also waiting to see if they tell me how many people watched my programme last month. In the UK you become famous simply by being seen by a million or more viewers. Of course they are all in a small area so will be more likely to bump into other people who have seen it and be able to talk about it, but I suspect I may have reached that as the show, although on a pay channel, was available coast to coast. Did any Americans see episode 6 'Alien Abduction- true confessions'? If so, that was me!

Either way...

Keeping busy can produce some interesting results. Being forced to be distracted from what may never happen in the newspaper has concentrated my attention, and besides a tiny bit of work between Friday and yesterday have been free to run wild. Taking photos in the rain in Golders Green and driving across Hampstead and Highgate with a video camera (bearing in mind the light goes at 3.30pm) is what happens when I run wild. But looking through the files wondered if I now have the world's biggest collection of photos of London NW11 (well over 1000) which ought to be put in a museum at least. The Golders Green photo museum, ran by me. That is an idea, except for the fact if it was located in Golders Green everyone going to see them would have just seen the same places before seeing the photos of them. A bit of a non-starter really.

I am majorly running out of ideas now, and officially there's only a week left for the paper to use the piece I'm in, and being the first after what will be 48 years on Tuesday is rather important. Possible date on Wednesday, visitors on birthday weekend and nothing else known. The paranoia about wasting the opportunity of using the article grows each day nothing happens, and the media are notorious for not using material. Nothing I can do about it. My latest photo album arrived yesterday, and with no known mistakes. I'll have to try and sell a few more now, when the weather improves anyway.

So, having a major career possibility contrasted the existing lack of anything at all in my life, another woman may be possible as well later in the year but that is very early days. If nothing happens then so be it, and the fact the media career also includes 3 speaking parts on TV, plus one I'm about to see when the DVD arrives. So slowly building, but so slowly there's as yet no public presence or image. The paper would fix that, and the career now rests on a knife edge.
Everyone would be the same in that position and most probably have what could be called a life to distract them from it. I have a camera and NW London. That is it at the moment. Until the book deal. My arse.

Wednesday as it was

Back on the new computer, all installed now minus Microsoft Office (why?), and practicing for a media career in any way I can. Big or small writers are only as successful as they become by persistence. The fact I enjoy it plus can work from home and they get paid pots makes it the most attractive career move I can think of, and by networking and years of voluntary work hope eventually someone will pay me for a piece and then a regular spot. Age is no barrier, I was 45 at my first speaking TV appearance followed by my second this week and discussions are under way for more.

I am adding a general appeal to those readers also on blogger, for goodness sake pull your fingers out and bloody well write. If life goes on there is always something to write about. Sod the quality, just get on with it, I want continuity and am fed up reading three blogs as no one else is left who writes them I know of. However much I may write I still read even more and like to know what people are doing. It's free so no excuses.

I've been working this week, amazingly enough. After the gas bill from another century in the future something had to fill the gap and I've been gradually doing so since Tuesday, ending this evening. OK, neither of the two new visitors appear to be returning, but both were interesting and one was a minor celebrity so that was worth it alone. So tomorrow hopefully I'll be off to Golders Green for more photos, and dinner with grandma. Meanwhile despite having little to look at I'm tied to the computer just because I can use it, plus there's no one else to talk to. After being asked about my love life I realised besides being zero I didn't care. I realised there's little I can do about it (as with enlightenment) and left it to fate. Enlightenment is a bit different as I realised I don't care if I am any more, I can survive as it is as long as life improves a bit. I would like a woman but aren't making any more effort as it makes no difference either way. The women on my system of course are doing their own thing. One sent me an email and all I need to know is when she blooms in the spring will it be as a friend or more? The other is not even a friend yet as until she decides she has the time to meet me (how long does it take?) she won't have got that far. The third was given a really big hint after ducking the last ones, and shot it right back at me. Eliminated. The fourth is actually a mutual attraction but there is a third party preventing that from being completed. And she lives as far as anyone can before becoming impossible to visit. Like being at the top of Everest there is just enough oxygen to survive but no more. She used to live almost at that point but moved miles south to the borderline of the known universe, near Surrey. It might as well be Penzance except she travels this way for pleasure, but not yet for my pleasure.

I am pretty well occupied recently but at the end of the day when it all goes quiet and I'm alone and have to go to bed alone it still can hit me. Tomorrow is always another day, mine is free and I hope keeps up the momentum of activity as we really have a lot to put up with at times.