A summary of 5 years

I remember once when anyone in my family asked me what I'd been doing the usual answer was 'not much'. Having a blog somehow made the sort of things I'd never bother to mention into an essential part of an ongoing story. Looking back (as there's little to add since last time) I've seen various themes since I started this from memory. Technically I wonder how much my life has changed in the last 15 years let alone 5 since I've been doing this, but I can say I had a job for a while and said friend and employer buggered off abroad in 2002 leaving me more time for nothing. That was all before the blog, and had a regular girlfriend for a while after and then I suppose it settled down into more or less how it is now.
I got my TV break in 2006 followed by a few more, but no actual effect as a couple of minutes a go on obscure channels is not the same as TV was when I was younger and there were just a handful of channels everyone watched. But a start.

I did recently sum up the reason for my discontent with most things in life was that in all areas of pleasure I'd barely got more than a few crumbs. I can't think of many other people who have serially missed out on so many areas most people fill sooner or later. And if you've got to nearly 50 you get the impression if you haven't managed it yet, whatever it is, you may never. Who knows. None of these things can be had directly, like enlightenment. You can't just say you want it and do something to get it. That's the main difference, in business you have some pretty clear routes and depend on effort and skill. Combine the two and sooner or later you will succeed. But having friends, partners and especially family they come and go as they please. The nearest you can get is getting a cat but hardly the same. I'm fairly used to life with all the gaps but would be so pleased if any became filled.

So it's taken me to this point. A more or less neutral equilibrium. I still react to good and bad things as I'm not enlightened, and maybe it can still even happen then at times. I expect nothing more but will be happy if it happens, and know whatever I do it can't change anything that really needs changing. It's almost impossible not to meet women you like and ask them out, but up to them what they do about it. That's just one example but applies to every area of pleasure. If I could afford to move house I'd just be doing the same thing in better surroundings, and remember the number of times I've been in a room and a woman just walked in and that was it. I did nothing, I was just there and we couldn't avoid the reaction. The only difference now is hardly any are single like they were then, so the supply is at a trickle so whatever I do I'm going to meet 25 and 70 year olds. And even the 70 year olds wouldn't want someone my age should I be interested. I've tried that already.

I'm not actually complaining here, just summarising everything since I started here out of lack of anything else to do. Today was a typical day of my freedom, I went to Regents Park, did a bit of essential shopping and watched TV. With no grandma I have more freedom but one less person around. And to complete the circle you can't attract people like cats. And god forbid I encourage retards who I spent months or years trying to get shot of. It's far better to be alone than suffer the ramblings of the rejects who hook onto me as I'm free during the day and basically only they are besides the few so rich they needn't work. Like me (ha ha). And it's no wonder I've always looked for more in the supernatural as superpowers don't half make life more interesting.
Tomorrow is free as well although I may have a visitor later on, or maybe two. And the teacher I'm following this week says we can't change outside, only inside. Then outside doesn't really matter. Very simple in theory and know what to do, but how the fuck long does it take (if at all) to notice a difference? I doubt even he knows as it's different for everyone. But no better method I know of.