Looking for a miracle

As my last post/s has been analysed and requested to analyse them myself, I may as well do it here. I would be surprised if I'd missed anything but hidden treasure is hidden by its nature till dug up.

You have to start with the facts:
1) My only family is my parents (besides distant cousins)
2) My main friends left the country 8 years ago
3) Besides the odd (definitely) tenant I've lived alone for 18 years
4) I have severe anxiety, had ptsd (if that ever goes away that is), had chronic fatigue so all these mean my boundaries are fairly limited
5) Not one woman in my life has lasted who was mutual, something always wrecked it and all the others either wanted me long term or vice versa, but not both
6) Recent events have been both beyond chance and consistent, a power is setting up things for my benefit, I can see although even one such complex event is almost certainly arranged three or more can't be anything else
7) Despite that the rest of the time is as it was before. If there isn't a miraculous chain of events nothing else seems any different, inside or outside
8) I have learnt meditation and advaita since 1997, meditation works a little sometimes, advaita work has created a trust in the process but no known changes.

So that's the foundation, I've learnt to adapt to the other stuff to keep a reasonable quality of life, but both miss living in a family and of course a woman. Even before the anxiety I could go to all sorts of social groups, and since when in a good phase, but the odds of meeting a woman or even a new friend are very long considering the requirements for both. Throwing energy at a problem is like spending money without a budget. I can go out endlessly but the right people turn up whatever you do in my experience. They're all over the internet but none nearby. Am I or anyone else expected to control even a small amount of this? One person I know says you can regardless, but although I know I can keep myself occupied, find places to go, start and run a business, pass qualifications etc, the other things are nebulous. Not that I don't get out and meet people, I do. But to meet new friends, and who live near enough to see regularly is a tall order.

So I'm trying to control who I see, live with and how I feel. Not an easy task, meditation is the only thing besides the pills that can make me feel better for a short time, and good people seem to come and go like English summers. The rest I can deal with, my media career is launched and may creep ahead shortly. I've always been good with money and isn't really much else that needs handling I can think of. My current life would have been pretty good had I still been in a family, old or new. I've been happy in front of a screen all my life. Many of my memories from about 1962 onwards have been of TV programmes, but also who I was watching them with. I remember being at my nanny's when Camberwick Green started (as my mother worked I spent a lot of time there as well), watching Doctor Who, Watch With Mother and my two favourites at the time, Take Your Pick and Double your Money. Five O'Clock Club, The White Heather Club, Tingha and Tucker, Space Patrol, Juke Box Jury, Groucho Marx on a panel game I didn't know the name of, Criss Cross Quiz, I loved the TV and although not many programmes like them now the internet is a good successor.

So I believe things must be crossing over for me. I was in the relative darkness for some time, having qualified and left home I didn't enter a marriage and new family, but just ejected to survive alone. My second family kept me for 10 years after I was on my own, including providing me with a job for half of that period. Then they left. My grandma was around till last year who I saw once or twice a week, and took to supermarkets, hospitals and was generally available whenever required. Since last year I've seen guidance in my life, read the Celestine Prophecy and seen how it reflects much of my own experience since that point, there are lessons and messages in everything, but the pain is still there.

Only in enlightenment is pain seen for what it really is, until then it's just pain, in every form, and when it goes if it does then it comes back sooner or later as separation is the source of suffering and until enlightened all is separate. But many people in duality do well and can have a perfectly good quality of life which is why few seek enlightenment, but that is clearly the source of true happiness and contentment. If I'm on the bridge from darkness to light then the arrangement may include the transition. Like knowing things by intuition many of the best inventions and changes happen on their own. That's the temporary nature of everything, although the permanent disabilities appear not to be, which is not quite within true Buddhist theory for me. But the bigger picture would say even the disabled cease to suffer when enlightened, and will leave that for the sages to sort out.

So besides meditation and going out as much as I can within my health restrictions, what else could I do while the rest happens or not? I've already called as many old friends I've found and the one who did turn up had just moved abroad, the others were probably dead for a good reason I suppose although I am in touch with many online now. But only a few are still here as people move and quite a few are also abroad. I study all sorts of teaching as always, both for myself and professionally (it's a requirement), and there are only a few different methods repackaged by each one. Lateral thinking is the best for me, as it means you look outside the obvious where there usually is no obvious route. That is a random process and tends to work more by luck than any direct path. And sadly the bottom line is I can't rely on people to help, especially those I know in person. They have their lives, they don't even know how to help if they wanted to. I suppose I know a few things certain people could do which would help but they are the stuff of dreams and don't actually happen when you want, if at all. You can't just ask someone for sex for example however much it would help.

So seeing any potential solution in all this would be a true miracle, I can't see it and if anyone can then they will be a guardian angel.

Deer deer!

Back again. You can't do this too much, when I'm following blogs I'm only to pleased to keep up every day. From the past to the present, today was free all day, sunny but cold. My mum asked me to take a picture of her first house where she was born which I did, and carried on to the park in Golders Green. I can't arrange the photos here at the moment but they tell 1000 words either way.

England did well tonight after being a goal down came back with 3, two by Peter Crouch. I've seen him play twice, for Tottenham and QPR, and presume the absence of Ashley Cole was because he's still in the doghouse. I've stood a yard from him at the Arsenal reserves as well, and opposite Arsene Wenger who was in the director's lounge above the level where I was sitting. One thing about football is how easy it is to see them in person as their only work is in public, unlike actors who you'd only see at the theatre or a live TV recording, which I've done many times.

One benefit of finding more signs miles away means when I'm at home I don't have to worry about not finding any for a while locally. Of course I've covered most areas nearby and only rural Surrey left to explore, 90% off Streetview so purely down to going and looking. The last one was from Streetview, they'd added it days earlier and hope they add more as it costs a bomb driving so far just in case just for a few photos of fields and country roads that look like every other in the country. But with what I consider now to be constant guidance since it began ( not getting a slow sign that turned out not to have been there at all, thinking it was all over, then finding many others finally completing by getting a real slow sign) that sort of route really needs a script. TV scenes are considered way beyond reality, but now I'm seeming to get closer to that than randomness. So if something can direct life that specifically then of course every subject is possible. Miracles can't be big or small, they are the same as infinity, there or not.

That would mean, weltschmerz aside (ie presenting ideal reality against existing), I'd be heading for a media career, in newspapers, known by the public and getting interviews on TV. Believe me I'm no different from any other diva, if they told me to go anywhere beyond my limits I'd just turn them down flat as my health comes first and as long as got any work don't care how much. I bet most are unpaid as well. Ideally of course I'd be able to afford to move back to where my parents could afford as they had good jobs, regardless of where the few hundred thousand would come from. And as miracles aren't limited by size add move there with a woman (of course two people equals twice the potential money although few have that much lying around admittedly). Then an income from writing and doing interviews from home, which is quite possible as the foundations have been put in place over the last decade.

Obviously using signs as the method of communication is both the most appropriate and easiest to present. But if a woman 'just turns up'- like the one at the library but minus wedding ring, I'm given a newspaper interview they actually use, and rather than make new effort (I am talking miracles here) put one of my existing TV programmes on real TV where suddenly everyone will see it. The obvious popularity of Ten Ways, judging by the regular repeats, plus the fact it's a British programme (one I did was American and only seen there and another Canadian) would certainly make it a potential candidate for use, except the hundreds of times more in existence would mean only the huge, normally American series would ever be likely to end up on Channel 4. The rest (besides C5) probably don't go near fringe stuff and commission their own programmes. Basically every area really ought to be added now. As I already believe I don't have a 'normal' life any more then it may as well extend beyond a single issue as even if I had the full set of road signs all I'd do is have a collection of photos. My life can't change from that otherwise can it?

Meanwhile here's the second phase of nostalgia, goodness knows how many more I can think of after this but with a 20 year window must be plenty.

Reginald Maudling, Tingha and Tucker, Jimmy Clitheroe (he's on again even if just a repeat!), Walter's Potato Puffs (polystyrene with salt on), Vista Vision (we rented from them from North Finchley and had the orange vans), Bleep and Booster, One Number Service (who remembers them?), Stan Bowles (my first match was QPR so made an impression), Tommy Trinder, Evoluon, Potty Putty, the Morris Million (mauve, they were all over the place), Olly Beak and Fred Barker, Juke Box Jury, Top of the Form with Paddy Feeny, Associated Rediffusion, and stick on bullet holes for car windows. And loads had collections of pennants stuck on the windows as well from all their holidays in our wonderful resorts.

A bit of history

Thank goodness the old TV clips keep arriving on Youtube, they are only fragments but that was part of the best time of my life, say 1965-75, and made me return to another instalment of my own history. I may have told it all before but there are new readers arriving every day (I keep a check) and it's enough time to be sure I won't be able to repeat it all each time.

The inspiration today came from the clip about 'what next'- my school leaving was the most long drawn out process, as after changing subjects twice ended up stringing my A levels out, taking one at the proper time and two the following year at separate sittings partly due to a clash with an O level resit. A year beyond the proper date I was off to Polytechnic to take a subject where I knew I'd be able to practice but not pass as it had maths. Accountancy. Plus it was a part qualified system where every year gave you credit where if you failed you'd start work lower down the ladder but be qualified for something. Not even the first year, I failed economics twice (I got the A level so not a total spastic in it like maths) but resat maths the day before, enough said. And thank goodness the internet may be the last place on earth anyone can say spastic, so I damn well will.
Anyway, five years later (I had a year out driving a van and working for an estate agent) I ended up with a law degree, and because I decided to follow psychotherapy and counselling, my original preference, had to do a morning a week at college for three years. The only work flexible enough to fit it in was teaching, so I worked at three schools on average from 1985-91, with a year out when I moved to Oxford (financial considerations compared to buying in London) and worked in an office (a portakabin) till made redundant and offered a better job back here.

So what I did next completed in 1991 with a counselling diploma, and when I walked out of the final teaching job found it wasn't enough to apply for counselling work. So a year before leaving the family home I ended up working in a shop with a degree, certificate and diploma, but was happy there and paid the bills for 5 years till again they could no longer afford to pay me and let me go.
The choice compared to reality, a word I uncannily guessed tonight while watching Big Bang Theory (the first programme to come close to Seinfeld), was weltschmerz. I knew the word somehow, although not the meaning till I heard it first. My choice was to get married at about 26 and buy a place and have children, hopefully with a profession for the rest of my life. Fuck that, said the powers that be (spiritual, no others can affect us that much), your worst fears of being alone and unwanted are genuine. The day you leave home will be on your own and that will be it.

Amazingly I adapt and make what I can of it, spending time with friends and family whenever I can, although friends leaving the country and half my family dying has reduced the options, meaning more time to sit here and blog about it. The world was truly a different and far better place back then, no nostalgia, I can see it now and easily compare the difference in quality.
When I get random reminders of the era, snippets that bring me back to where I was and what I was doing back then.

U Thant, Wonderloaf, Michael Miles, The Golden Shot, Monday's Newcomers (the new TV ads for the week, when they were actually worth watching), Wavy Line, Fine Fare, MacFisheries, The Schoolboys and girls exhibition at Olympia, Zootime with Desmond Morris (he's still busy at least), Paul and Barry Ryan, Esso tiger tails you tied to the aerial, Regent petrol stations, The Days of Pearly Spencer, Rodney Marsh at QPR, Workington and Barrow in the 4th division, Wallace Heaton, Cyril Connolly, The Daily Sketch, Boomph with Becker, I drink Idris when I's dry,

This is probably just the tip of the iceberg, there are many more that would mean nothing to anyone like all the names of people from school and family friends, but hope even one of these I did mention means something to someone else and has brought them back to life for the first time in 40 years or so. There's not much like that any more, only my old road signs, which are fast disappearing.

On the edge

Plenty of progress already, although I didn't begin mixing with any celebrities (the list of contributors to the book was impressive) I've not just done my first photo shoot but had it approved. Though I was happy with them didn't automatically mean the receiver would. Now the other part of the question is whether it'll make the national paper, and I won't know for a week or more on that one. It was meant to be mentioned in this week's but I haven't seen it the first time I looked but won't affect the photos either way. I'm also on the edge of another possible very important old sign I'm checking on Sunday, so never know until I do.

Otherwise it's been a fairly easy time, I'm still clearing my late grandma's house out (two people, 99 year's of stuff in her case), and am showing the first possible buyer once the little bit of work has been done in a week or two. The house was theirs from 1975 when it was built till last year, and I often stayed there as well. But it just became a house when empty.
No other plans really, I can easily piss around for a couple of days between visits to my (separate) parents, the only close relatives I now have. Starting with seven, plus two great grandparents, first my grandpa died in 1965, grandma 1 in 1975, uncle in 1995, grandpa 2 in 1998 and finally grandma 2 in 2009 at 99. My great grandma lasted till 1975 at 94, who I saw regularly throughout. Now if I don't have children, or least of all get married I don't know what I'll do with no one at all left. I won't think about it, and realise even trying to plan for it by vetting women to move in with is a total waste of effort as I hadn't managed it yet just because I made the effort. I can think of a few who are single and acceptable but can't see how the ones I know already are ever going to change their minds. So I'd have to meet someone from scratch and I very rarely do that any more.

After two years of chronic fatigue with the associated infections I really appreciate shopping now. I always liked it but could barely do a thing and thought I may never be able to do what used to come with no effort at all. Now I also appreciate just speaking to the people in the shops as well now as many days they're the only people I do. Now I am able to do it again it's like getting the use of my legs back after an accident and even enjoy Brent Cross for the odd wander around, although I did used to go there for hours until the novelty finally wore off. And they got rid of the Orangery in Fenwicks which was my favourite. Nowadays I've bought everything I need long since, so just the everyday things which run out like food and stuff for the house. At least I appreciate more ordinary things as they are the large part of everyone's life, as well as the area I live, after many years wanting to try elsewhere. In 1988 I did that simply as I couldn't afford locally and realised I may as well have bought a flat on Mars. And not even the chocolate. When you're isolated you realise the pull of the ordinary, Finchley, Highgate, Crouch End etc, and wherever else I go I'll be further and further away from these places I've been to all my life.

The people online who went abroad either hate London or look back with nostalgia, and I think if they have such fond memories why not come back? Half the time our house prices have exceeded everywhere else so much that once you've dropped out of the market forever. That won't happen to me. I don't even care about holidays any more as if I'm free I'm happier wandering around locally and although I'm unlikely to meet anyone I know there (not that I often did, it is London after all), and do wonder how many other people really feel the same or would prefer to go away whenever possible?

So generally I'm still on the edge of many things, fame (people take the pee but like to know how many of them have even got as far as I have), being in a newspaper, another old sign etc, although the biggest current ones, being in a book and doing the photos have happened now. I did just read a woman became a TV extra at 60 and is still going at 98. You never know.

Many years of reflection

This is pretty much an experimental entry after some time. Many of my original ones were as I hadn't started describing my life, past and present, but now I'm coming up to 5 years of doing so on the days nothing special has happened and nothing's inspired me there really isn't much material to call on I haven't covered already. Or is there? Had I been in analysis presumably there would be a very deep well of information, and the longer I went on the deeper I would get.

Having a memory from the age of almost 2, I have more to draw on than most, and don't remember ever thinking or feeling any different then than I do now. Same ups and downs, same reactions etc, and many of the same interests. No way can that be environment- how much environment have you had to mould you in two years? As I've been analysing myself as long as I remember if there's much I haven't found I'm fascinated to know what it is. And even if I discover more I can't see much changing. I can be aware of it but only as an observer. And if there's anything new round the corner that will change after all this time I'll be amazed to see it.
The memory also tells me the environment I want. For most this is an previously unexperienced idealised life, maybe abroad, maybe with great riches. For me I want the life I had until my teens, in the same place and similar people. That was my role model and everything I've lost of it since tells me that's what I would rather have. A totally ordinary suburban family life with the benefit of fame if that can be added as well.

Most people have done that, maybe not as wealthy as their parents yet (except the lawyers who can buy their parents' house and pay their bills nowadays), I always feared being kicked out somehow, and worse than that I stayed and my mother left. Then I was kicked out 12 years later. I sensed unless I was married I'd gain nothing from moving out, and got that right. I had the money as I worked after leaving college in what was a very cheap property market so bought a place by 28. That was no fun at all and couldn't get a tenant either so spent most of the time at my father's anyway. The investment was all I wanted and in no hurry to actually live there unless some woman turned up to share it. The woman situation was a simple Venn diagram. The intersection between the women I wanted and the women who wanted me was almost nothing, and the few in it were all sabotaged somehow so didn't last. The dropouts and bores I attracted were worse than nothing so remain alone despite dropping my standards 50% by 40 as planned. Women raised theirs at 40 for some reason so made no difference overall. Creativity does come from suffering as it's a way of relieving it, but unless it's used within your lifetime it only helps other people and not the creator.

I have no clues, plans or answers. The best I do is visit the area I left as often as possible (as I did today), keep connected with it and hope one day if nothing else I can afford to buy a place there myself. This house is fine but not in the area where I belong. If I can think of anything original to help I'll be truly amazed, as besides the slight benefits of meditation life is as it is. I did always have dreams of entertaining people, and will continue this plan as long as I live. That leads to a social life and should fix both at once. One reason I watch all I can from the 60s and 70s is to bring back some of that period to the present, as whatever we had then is all but lost now. You can't lose the recorded TV from then at least, what they kept of it anyway. Every now and then I have dreams of the ideal life, a combination of then and how it could be now, as if I was the head of a large happy family back in the 70s. I certainly knew plenty. Where I lived if you bring the wealth to the current figures most families we knew would be millionaires (we wouldn't mind you, we just mixed with them). They were a mixture of the Hampstead intelligentsia, Jewish professionals and a few wealthy business families who started with nothing.

Most had large families, at least more than the one of me, and the best times were spent around Hampstead Heath, in the snow in winter, the coffee bars there and in Golders Green and wandering around the shops and going back to one of their houses for tea. This was also in the hippy era so many of the females were dressed either like that or like Twiggy, and the fathers were no longer the Victorian patriarchs of the 50s who had overlapped the decades, but intellectual comedians who probably had orgies with their wives and friends and walked around the house naked. The money meant their houses had the best decor of the period, some had games rooms for the kids to disappear to, and most ended up at the top schools when old enough to. Christ knows what happened to them all now. They all dropped off the radar sooner or later, I changed schools many times, people moved away, grew up, died, the usual things. I stayed put and did the same I always had while everyone else came and went. I tried a few others long ago but home is best in the end and I am content in the best parts of London thank you. Only a handful of readers would be familiar with the roads and places I mean, but trust me few places in the world have many like them.

As for being realistic who knows? Finance alone dictates where I live, I could have bought my parents' old house at least once had I enough to do so. That alone would give me the roots to improve my life no end. Bring my friends back from America? Only they can do that and so far are set to be there some time ahead. And a comfortable family life even in the same place in the 2010s can't be that similar to the 1960s or 70s. But they are still alive in me, so touch everywhere I go from inside, and when I complain about things the most it's because I remember how they used to be and seen how cheap and nasty has replaced class and quality in every aspect of life. Jonathon Ross sums it up TV wise, he's paid £6 million to be the biggest wanker and talentless waste of space to set an example to every thick twat on the planet who can swear and thinks they're funny. Do we really want shite like that instead of the harmless and sometimes non PC genuine talents of the 60s? Well I certainly don't.

Are my standards totally unrealistic or something I can genuinely aspire to?

A summary already in 2010

Four inches last night, and that was only the snow. Work has been off as a result (well the appointment I was supposed to have anyway), as has been going anywhere besides the nearest shops. That'll be 8 more days tomorrow as it's not going anywhere before then. It seems in the snow when people can't go out they phone you instead, so whatever I may have done today the phone just kept going from start to finish. Not as if there was a lot else to do but won't know now.

I have however done one intuitive reading today simply as when you're doing telephone work it can come to you. It's part of shamanism and you simply put yourself where the other person is as an empath. I've been doing similar things since I started classes in 1991 and build up what I am able to do as and when it comes. There's little or no doubt when you do it either, you tune in and say how you feel as the other person. I must do it more now. It may even identify the only presentable woman within 20 miles who may be interested in me. I've been playing word drop which arrived a few days ago on Facebook, and suspect I've already reached my limits there but could play a lot more if it was possible to keep improving.

Otherwise nothing's apparently shifted, although what could actually shift now is another good question. The weather is clearly the likeliest, but besides that a few little trips are collecting till it does, one to Staples (wow!), the art gallery for the third attempt to get my money, and some photos in Hampstead. Of course I appreciate them all the more from having to wait, and did at least do an hour's work today on the phone which is paid just the same. I know I'm helping people, I also pushed a huge car out of the snow today as I had to do with my own last week, and the only help I currently need is someone to come over I can talk to. And that's a tall order. The previous visitors included the regular woman who moaned and whinged about her male and female friends and family for a couple of hours and buggered off, a previous regular who talked constantly from arrival till being dropped home many hours later which was only tolerated for the sex in between, and the rare little groups on high holydays (OK, new year and my birthday). Everyone else is a bonus, one dropped in as he returned home from a work placement, only to have a dodgy handbrake and see his car vanish at the bottom of the hill in two parked cars.

The people I visit dropped off suddenly when the main family left in 2002. I do little jobs for someone not too far away from time to time, see the elderly neighbour to hear (literally) her life history in chapters, can't see the other since his ex wife got an injunction banning him from the area after he divorced her, and all the others seem to have evaporated when people gradually moved further and further out so dropping in was all but impossible. If I was asked as well. So without any say in the matter besides my family I hardly ever visit anyone else, my father's neighbours occasionally when I go there, and that's about it. That contrasts with the 70s for instance, the years where I merged with seeing my own and my parents friends all over the area, and most were very posh indeed, million pound (at today's prices) houses, all professionals and many friends much higher status than my own family. I had a knack of meeting public school girls (although I did go myself for a while so not such a surprise) who were related to the ruling classes, I think it was only MPs (right to cabinet level mind you) rather than actual aristocracy, but I did know one woman who mixed with them and dropped names (ie The Queen etc) at any possible chance. The one I actually clicked with was worth millions even then and the main reason her mother banned me as a mere son of a judge as I didn't eat nicely. Her father was a fucking travel agent for god's sake, just a very successful one. In that case money talked louder than class.

I have seemed to drop the nostalgia for a while, I am fully aware of how good things could be then but am focusing more in the present now. I've also linked with some people from school days online as well which does help a bit even though the only one who did meet me was back from abroad for a couple of weeks. I see another at reunions but a bit too far to go and see although I know he's one of the only ones who would welcome me. Mind you he hadn't a clue who I was when I sent him the message, the only reason he knows me now is because I saw him recently although I remember everyone who was at every school in my years besides the nursery. I only remember about half of them. My memories haven't faded and remember walking past the hotel in Paris with my family in Christmas 1961, among many others of the hotel. And that memory helped me memorise cases and laws for three years at college as well as forcing me to become an amateur climatologist now, although I'd rather be a climaxologist or clitorologist. But beggars can't be choosers. If I must study weather patterns so be it.

A summary of 5 years

I remember once when anyone in my family asked me what I'd been doing the usual answer was 'not much'. Having a blog somehow made the sort of things I'd never bother to mention into an essential part of an ongoing story. Looking back (as there's little to add since last time) I've seen various themes since I started this from memory. Technically I wonder how much my life has changed in the last 15 years let alone 5 since I've been doing this, but I can say I had a job for a while and said friend and employer buggered off abroad in 2002 leaving me more time for nothing. That was all before the blog, and had a regular girlfriend for a while after and then I suppose it settled down into more or less how it is now.
I got my TV break in 2006 followed by a few more, but no actual effect as a couple of minutes a go on obscure channels is not the same as TV was when I was younger and there were just a handful of channels everyone watched. But a start.

I did recently sum up the reason for my discontent with most things in life was that in all areas of pleasure I'd barely got more than a few crumbs. I can't think of many other people who have serially missed out on so many areas most people fill sooner or later. And if you've got to nearly 50 you get the impression if you haven't managed it yet, whatever it is, you may never. Who knows. None of these things can be had directly, like enlightenment. You can't just say you want it and do something to get it. That's the main difference, in business you have some pretty clear routes and depend on effort and skill. Combine the two and sooner or later you will succeed. But having friends, partners and especially family they come and go as they please. The nearest you can get is getting a cat but hardly the same. I'm fairly used to life with all the gaps but would be so pleased if any became filled.

So it's taken me to this point. A more or less neutral equilibrium. I still react to good and bad things as I'm not enlightened, and maybe it can still even happen then at times. I expect nothing more but will be happy if it happens, and know whatever I do it can't change anything that really needs changing. It's almost impossible not to meet women you like and ask them out, but up to them what they do about it. That's just one example but applies to every area of pleasure. If I could afford to move house I'd just be doing the same thing in better surroundings, and remember the number of times I've been in a room and a woman just walked in and that was it. I did nothing, I was just there and we couldn't avoid the reaction. The only difference now is hardly any are single like they were then, so the supply is at a trickle so whatever I do I'm going to meet 25 and 70 year olds. And even the 70 year olds wouldn't want someone my age should I be interested. I've tried that already.

I'm not actually complaining here, just summarising everything since I started here out of lack of anything else to do. Today was a typical day of my freedom, I went to Regents Park, did a bit of essential shopping and watched TV. With no grandma I have more freedom but one less person around. And to complete the circle you can't attract people like cats. And god forbid I encourage retards who I spent months or years trying to get shot of. It's far better to be alone than suffer the ramblings of the rejects who hook onto me as I'm free during the day and basically only they are besides the few so rich they needn't work. Like me (ha ha). And it's no wonder I've always looked for more in the supernatural as superpowers don't half make life more interesting.
Tomorrow is free as well although I may have a visitor later on, or maybe two. And the teacher I'm following this week says we can't change outside, only inside. Then outside doesn't really matter. Very simple in theory and know what to do, but how the fuck long does it take (if at all) to notice a difference? I doubt even he knows as it's different for everyone. But no better method I know of.

Not much to report

The last few days seemed to take care of themselves really, I found two more one way street signs and had the arrow going the other way to the one I had already. They are rare. I'm free ahead so far, no grandma to see any more but besides being on my own for longer find plenty to do with the spare time. Nothing special planned work or play, I got to the library on Saturday and got an ad there to be checked at least although the object of my affections was off that day. Meanwhile I keep hearing teachers say our enlightenment is in looking at our awareness and can come with effort, so I still make the effort. They've experienced something I haven't and everything in life will be better if I ever do so not just the best aim but a very easy method to get there.

I still assume everything must be guided, even yesterday I wasn't planning to go on the road with the signs on it but my father wanted to see somewhere there as we were passing it, as soon as I turned right there it was. So if every other thing I want in life comes next the same way I don't actually have to do anything. These signs have turned up either found by other people or just when I was passing them randomly. I can't say I want to find a sign and look in a certain area. Some have more than others but no rules really. And the same for enlightenment. The teachers just turn up in my Youtube inbox and remind me what to do and why. The same thing in many different ways. It's like God, you have no idea what it's like until you get it. Except people are experiencing it here and now and can describe it whereas those who claim to know God have a lot less to claim. And really are probably describing the same thing except in a religious context.

Few of the authorities have replied to me besides the one who are painting the sign. Nothing new there. Nothing else known or expected at the moment but always keep busy if free. That's what I learnt at 2 when my mother started working again and was either left with her while she did paperwork or with my nanny. I made traffic jams across the carpet and then got myself sent to school to keep me busy just before I was 3. Had I known it would last 16 years I'd have held off a bit longer although I did have fun in the nursery school. I noticed the opposite sex straight away and was hooked on two of the teachers who I held hands with in alternate playtimes and one girl I was close to till we moved a few years later. I haven't managed to track her down yet though. I pass her old flat where I went for tea regularly as only live round the corner from where I did back then.

So, it's a blank slate at the moment, the football friendlies have started so may go to one of them sooner or later, and will leave the rest to guidance.

Digging into the past

Well the week was making the best of my own imagination. I looked at a map to see various new geographic features for photos and have a list that should take a while to get through now despite getting dark at 4pm for the next 4 months. The phase of being ignored has reached new levels, there's now the TV producer (bit of a waste of space from what I've seen), journalist (no power even if she liked my material), two women (no comment needed) and any other bastard I've forgotten including the twat who booked an appointment and made me sit on my tuchus all afternoon waiting for them to arrive. As it's a personal contact a bollocking is in line.

The most basic skeleton is in place to keep occupied for the week ahead, the photo calls I haven't made yet, a check on my business cards usage and the photo list. Plenty more paperwork if it's raining as well. Dull but for anyone within a family a pretty easy life. But alone is just killing time. Again my clients have deserted me after a while of activity, all together as always. I'll never understand that as I don't get BO and try not to fart too much when they're here. Or swear. I leave that to them.
Meanwhile I've been watching a teenager in Sweden doing psychokinesis on Youtube. I've been watching such demonstrations for some time and he also gives lessons how to do it. I find it easy to spot BS (as with the global warming trickery) and also starting to pick up on genuine people as well, like Rachel who just won Big Brother. That was a great endorsement of my judgement as I picked her after less than an hour. Now this guy doesn't seem to have any funny business either, and if I am correct in my intuition then it implies what he is doing is real. The fakes have helped a lot as once you've seen their videos with hidden hairdryers, magnets and all other amateur magician props, someone who seals an object under a bowl and still gets it to move leaves little opportunity to fake it. Bear in mind it's not a professional digital video that can be manipulated easily, but a home video by a kid in his bedroom. I continue to follow the progress.

I've said before another reason I blog is while most people come home to talk about their day, besides a few tenants who were like the exorcist in most cases I have come home to an empty house for 14 years. Every aspect of negativity I emanate is solely from that as it would for anyone who lived in an impersonal area with no community life or decision to live as a monk. My times were on holiday every year in Devon where although we could and did go out there was enough to do within walking distance to stay there for a month and have enough to do. All the activity of a year in Finchley where I lived was crammed into those visits, and half my friends met there. I was always surrounded by friends (except when they went home before me) and family (three generations sometimes) and can easily contrast the best with what I don't have now. I could also perform as it was a music holiday, and although not my priority still played keyboards (and sang once) for various parties and a couple of small concerts for the electronic music workshop. I even have a programme somewhere with my name on it. And the women there were both intellectual and attractive.

Looking back, besides many I was in love with at the time, sadly only a few were mutual, I didn't have the same record there as I did at home for some reason and tended to get the last resorts. I did meet my first girlfriend there who was top class, another years later but was too big an age gap to go anywhere at the time, and she lived there which stopped it in its tracks anyway. There was the German film star (now not then) who being 8-9 at the time was only a friend, but could still see the quality even then. She hasn't changed that much considering as there are plenty of current photos about. I'd have carried on going if I had anyone to go with, but by 1989 everyone else was married and going abroad with their new families and I was reduced to hanging out with teenagers. No one since to return with or I may still have met someone there, albeit from the other side of the world (Los Angeles, Botswana, plus a couple of failures from France and Italy at least) but plenty from London as well. Nothing like that here though besides one of my schools, and I was kicked out there after 2 years...

So I soldier on within the environment I've been given and it's been a bloody long time since anything good happened. Besides none of the important people replying, all the business attempts have got nowhere either and barely any research. Business as usual, but for how long?

Nostalgia

It doesn't take much to start me off. Someone mentioned Brenda Blethyn, and when I looked up Chance in a Million, saw a photo of her with Simon Callow just as when I fell for her in the first episode. Then Fresh Fields, Sally Thomsett and Linda Bellingham. I should be so lucky. I did get a packet of Newcastle Metro tickets last week sent to me, the last traditional tickets in regular UK train usage. It's a shame it's so far otherwise I'd be up there for a few hours and collect as many as possible, even though they only have one station like the old Tube tickets, and some even have numbers instead of names. But they are real tickets, not the toys they provide on every other service. I could always fly there but as always the journey to the airport takes longer than the flight and I expect very few flights there from anywhere on earth.

In 20 years time I can't see much nostalgia in 2007. Hardly. Even though there's no mileage in it I've thought about moving, but a flat in NW11 (Golders Green) would be 25% higher than I'd get and the service charges on top of that. And how can a cat get in and out? Meanwhile the term 'In the can' now means something else to me. Two TV programmes. I haven't heard about the late one yet, and wonder when I will, and the other will be sent on DVD about January with any luck. The other was due last week, my arse.
This week besides a couple of client bookings is clear. I haven't really even got any jobs left to do. Nothing special really. The garden had it's regular seeing to last week and the house is even up to scratch besides some filing, although the drawers and cupboards could do with some emptying. The details are mainly irrelevant as it's doing all this alone that takes most of the fun out of it. Now if I get any TV news this week that will improve things greatly. I don't get paid for it, allow them to so deserve the respect any other workers would get. Like fuck.

Last week was OK, after the filming I had the odd visitor, went to Hampstead Heath and took loads of photos. The usual bike rides, gardening as mentioned and a few more calls to the radio. With or without a job I'd do the same things in my spare time but be judged less for them as we can't be expected to do much after a hard week at work which I haven't done since 1989, full time anyhow. Or even part time, some years later. Of course I've done many things for nothing since then and know at least the people I did them for value them and was more important than earning profits for an employer.
When life was good I still had plenty of problems, exams, no girlfriend for months on end, family problems, and loads of time being left on my own while my parents were working. But besides the exams which were the worst things I ever had to do they were good times. Now I have little left, paper qualifications only get you work if you're lucky, and respect, houses shelter, and money relative security. But without people you may as well be dead and in the coffin already. Just as much conversation and excitement. The source of most of my problems and without a miracle the rest of my life. God forbid.

Am I wasting my life?

Here I am again, things are what I would call typical, although besides being on another treatment for earache which has improved today, I actually have few obligations lined up at the moment. That I know of anyway. Tomorrow is my day off, although there are accounts to do here at my leisure, ie when I have the time, so once I've been out if it's dry will probably get on with sorting all the receipts for over a year for a random inspection. Again. I know why they do it but can really do without the work even though I get paid for it it's boring and not worth the few pounds I get.
Looking back there's literally nothing worth reporting besides a few photos of nice gardens on my block (this estate actually has proper blocks like America) and was working much of the afternoon on said accounts mainly. The annual lot seem virtually sorted out after explaining our program to the accountant who agreed they have labelled everything with the wrong headings. Not an accounting convention, just a bunch of wank, as they say in Kingsbury.

Last night they were talking about coincidences on the radio so I called in and asked if anyone had seen The Secret, not a squeak. Then the next presenter came on and said he'd planned to talk about coincidences as well before the other one did. And no one called him either. But they are real. I know that much. But sooner or later out of the millions I can't be the only person who wants to investigate it further. I am looking for even one discussion forum on it, and the few I started have screamed to a halt. Such an alleged big deal should have a little more reaction and interest than it has, besides fucking enormous sales and profit figures for the participants. Is that really all it is about, as the critics say? This is the best all or nothing example I have seen, and fairly easily testable compared to most.

Otherwise each day passes with more or less activity, amazingly despite intermittent health problems I've got my chores done, they were just a lot harder than they would have been. Just like my 97 year old grandma, although I now do a lot less, every little job can feel like an achievement. But looking back the main thing I see is they were done. I hadn't taken my albums anywhere else yet but no rush for that, and the pictures I've taken are adding to the next one anyway. In a way besides knowing where to look I've gone to the trouble of driving around for ages taking them, although if you were given a map you could probably polish most of them off in a week. And spend a packet on a good camera as well. I've technically finished my list now, and am finally looking around gardens just in case I see any more nice ones like today. But I've done every decent road within 5 miles of Kingsbury and although I can go to Bushey eventually it isn't that great really. Plus half my relatives are there after they died. It has two associations for me, years of horse riding and the cemetery. We used to go shopping there as well and bought a car in the big Honda garage as well. The health food shop owner also gave me piano lessons for a while. When in doubt trawl past memories.

Beyond that lies Hatch End which has a few possibilities, and used to be one of my shops of choice when I lived near there as it was quiet and easy to park. Pinner has already had all the best photos done on film as we had a friend there years ago. The Northwood and Ruislip which really aren't that photogenic and not worth the trip. In all other directions are run down dumps, Kilburn, Hornsey, and the other way miles of faceless suburbs like Southgate and Palmers Green which are like the dark side in comparison to where I usually go. One day when I get a contact in TV I'll get a documentary walking the London suburbs making my usual comments on how many testicles would buy a house in Hampstead Garden Suburb or how many gangsters live in a street in Stanmore. You can also tell the areas to avoid by the taxi quotient or TQ. When I lived in Canons Park it was about 1 in 10, second only to Ilford and besides one friend who is far from typical all the ones who call the radio are total stereotypes, frustrated professors and politicians. OK, it takes a mechanical memory to pass the knowledge but it's the easiest actual job on earth once you pass, high fares and hours by choice. What could be better? I refused to take my law finals as I knew what the job involved and didn't see the point in qualifying to do a job I couldn't stand. I tried a few other courses and ended up with one not recognised by the state so basically bloody useless. Very helpful to the clients but not one to make a living in.

Besides taxi driving writing articles from home is another well paid holiday, and if I can screw the right person I may one day become published. Actually if I could screw anyone it would be quite nice. Especially if female, and human. Any considered. Time is running out and I can't be too choosy...

Take a trip, man.

Just how psychedelic and surreal can life get without the use of dangerous substances? Being towards the end of an analytical phase life can be great when it's ordinary, so long as we have a good family foundation and decent health. Take that away and the default is down, up is a peak and a bonus. You see life as everyday, ordinary and see the good stuff as in your past and only happening now to other people. And so ordinary you look and wish for the psychedelic elements that could mean there are routes outside the norm if you just look hard enough. www.realityshifters.com is another place you can hear such tales, and my coincidences are the nearest I get to reality shifts, and certainly far from exciting, just very strange.

The 60s of course were LSD driven. I managed to avoid it all my life despite a wish to visit such realms, but at least learnt meditation to try and do it safely, with variable results. Judging a tree by its fruit the art and music of the time tells me there is something more and a better source of everything than we have without it. Checkout the art of Peter Max and you'll see a design style (not that he was necessarily taking anything) typical of the era I remember so well, and when that is the second style you meet in life (after the tail end of the beat generation when I was a baby) you assume that's how things are, until something else takes over. Then by 1975 you realise the end of the hippy era is probably there and disco, John Travolta and The Jacksons are the present and future. Cack. From the sublime to the dreckisher (do a google). So now I trawl markets and the internet (too expensive) looking for remnants of my good times, as well as doing what I can to find elements in the present. Michael Caine and Peter Sellers films, all the old programmes on BBC and ITV freeview coming round yet again, and even seeing all the old photos of the time, whatever drove that revolution was real and should be able to be accessed at any time, although the world has done its best to close the door for many years.

So, that is one stream that drives my life, the search for more. For the real magic I've seen at times including in dreams. In music as well, having posted a link to the incredible Guadalajara music by Lionel Salzedo, which along with music from Joe and the Sheep Rustlers (anyone with flu in the 70s will have watched this as it was on for years), John Barry's Florida Fantasy, many old programme tunes and of course my other favourites, Salute To Thames and Moto Perpetuo, the two tunes that began every morning on Thames TV. Paint the whole world with a rainbow, 1972 onwards. How psychedelic is that? I have the pencil box right next to me, picked up recently in a market. Rainbow George Weiss, another advocate of the alternative way of life is another prophet of this route. Easy to google as well and a great guy, having spent some time in his company. Peter Cook, his next door neighbour I occasionally saw shambling around Hampstead, and Dudley Moore. Out of Town with Jack Hargreaves. How, the original series. London in the 60s, it showed me what it could be at its best and am still somehow searching for it all to come back somehow. I could be wasting my time or maybe if I look long enough a new door will open. There's nothing else to do.