Well so far it's a pretty free week ahead, and I've kept busy enough since the plans finally ran out. No more projects or expectations, only the new belief in enlightenment which could cover all other areas if the effort pays off. Everyone I contacted hasn't replied, and the one who may (an official one) was probably sent to the wrong place anyway now I've done my homework. I still have little ideas for afternoons out but no actual projects aiming for success in any area I haven't got already.
Not having enough has been the theme of my life really, I've made the list before and really believe compared to maybe 90% of people I've had a raw deal. If you look at the statistics I've lost out nearly every step of the way. OK, since then I've learnt to accept all of them besides being single which feels like a life sentence in solitary, but of course all the rest buggered up my life till I did accept them. They call it a challenge...
I genuinely believe I'm not so repellent to both women and employers. I maybe aim too high but why settle for third best for anything you have to live with long term? How women 'know' they're more attractive and desirable than average always beats me but they are nearly always the fussiest. As for jobs I filtered firstly those in Central London (sensible) and then only went for the many part time on offer as my previous 5 years part time suited me perfectly. Not for men though apparently, or very popular. Or both. A few hundred applications is not what I call being lazy anyway before I and my health gave up. So the freedom is the compensation at least, although like when I was 16 and finished my exams early, not so much fun when everyone else is busy.
Expecting anything is a human failing, as many people I know demonstrate. Even expecting enlightenment from following your teachers. You may feel empty wih no hopes but it's far better than the alternative of disappointment. But preferring something better is more reasonable as you realise it's probably never going to happen but would be nice if it did. Currently we can't (whatever Al Gore says) change the weather, and there is a very long list of other things we have little control over. In that context enlightenment seems quite high up the list in comparison as we know what to do and have all the time there is to do it. But till then we are not and react to everything as usual and suffer as a result. We don't have controlover our reactions, only how to respond to them. That means to watch them rather than get involved with them. The theory is eventually they get bored and go away. There's no better rule besides my tablets so that is what I do.
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