It should be guided

I will take three alternative scenarios today. That which says there are no coincidences and everything happens exactly as it's designed to, including what we think are our own decisions, the middle new age ground that says we are given opportunities by design but down to our free will what we do about them, implying personal growth is totally down to us, and the third control scenario of science which says there's no meaning in anything and it's all random.

I'll just look at the first for now, that everything including our decisions is planned. That means today everything that happened including my tiredness which led to the very limited usage of the time was totally unavoidable. If that's the case there is a goal and the only way to reach it is for everything to happen exactly the way it does, like a good film with no loose ends. Every event large and small contributes and has a significance, and without a single one happening the final result may not be guaranteed. In my case I seem to be being torn apart, with every fear I've ever had and a few I didn't know about being presented to me as a reality, and although I'm still hear to tell the tale my own being currently has been reduced to almost constant hypervigilance. For those not familiar with PTSD that means you expect the worst in every area relating to your past experience and then have to relearn how to get each area one by one back into normal proportion. The end result if successful would be a virtual immunity to everything as there'd be nothing left to fear, as all your fears had become real and then put away or better still thrown away. That's the theory anyway and then it means I'm clear for future success without suddenly finding a panic attack wrecks whatever gifts I'd been given before being prepared to cope with it all.

So today was day two of my total freedom this week, I was still relatively tired after the builders woke me up again yesterday so in the end with no other ideas went to the shops and came back. That is it. To the random view that was a wasted day, but the planned view means it's a vital route to a final ending. The clues are there to stop a total despair, and my latest career step of having a published article tells me I must be doing something right. There's only one thing wrong with my life now, and that's having to live alone. Women come and go randomly whatever I do or don't do, I've been chasing them since nursery school (I always knew what they were for unlike some men even at my age), maybe it was some sort of instinct or genetic memory. I haven't been rejected by a woman recently as I haven't tried any. I've had offers though and so far turned them all down besides the bedroom ones. Anything else has been from women without all three requirements and am too old and tired to spend my time and effort with one eye looking for someone new. I never did really but in the past normally waited till they qualified or dumped them and waited for someone better when they turned out not to. Back when there were still single women my age that is.

The lack of free will has been mentioned before but for the three of you here who probably haven't seen it I have found even when I've made apparent mistakes they've got me somewhere I'd have missed otherwise. Not just once, take a wrong turning or get stopped at a red light and you see something you'd never have otherwise. Something points me everywhere so presumably decides when I meditate and who I find to watch online for more satsang. I have now reached the stage where whenever I look I am totally aware I am not here. To advaita students that means a step up, but only one to actually having it without having to look and keeping it all the time. But it's no longer a theory, I do experience it, and am aware of it as a reality. Technically I don't experience it actually, as it's a realisation there is no I to experience, only what is happening in that awareness, I is a thought that has been picked up some time after birth.

What the heck is it all leading to though I wonder? The mundaneness of the everyday life at the moment, article or not, is just as it was, as I'm only aware of the higher stuff when it happens and then return to before. Not even a slight colouring of the clear water with the new pigment of energy, but a total return to the ordinary. I think that only starts to happen at the next stage, one which is a lot closer to the final event should it ever occur. It is a series of initiations, starting with my bar mitzvah, then my degree, diploma, and various lesser ones. Each is harder to control or see happening, so can't just take the course, do the exams and pass or fail, but have aims and less and less ideas how to carry them out. Meditation is like insomnia, you can't sleep at will with insomnia, you lie down and sleep or not by grace. As you don't need results from meditation to survive that is even less likely to produce results, or control the few you do get. But you know without it you'll have none at all and there's no other route there besides it happening on its own.

I've been told I've given up, but then again giving up is the final step before enlightenment. I've simply realised there wasn't anything I could actually do, and probably never was besides what was obvious.