It should be guided

I will take three alternative scenarios today. That which says there are no coincidences and everything happens exactly as it's designed to, including what we think are our own decisions, the middle new age ground that says we are given opportunities by design but down to our free will what we do about them, implying personal growth is totally down to us, and the third control scenario of science which says there's no meaning in anything and it's all random.

I'll just look at the first for now, that everything including our decisions is planned. That means today everything that happened including my tiredness which led to the very limited usage of the time was totally unavoidable. If that's the case there is a goal and the only way to reach it is for everything to happen exactly the way it does, like a good film with no loose ends. Every event large and small contributes and has a significance, and without a single one happening the final result may not be guaranteed. In my case I seem to be being torn apart, with every fear I've ever had and a few I didn't know about being presented to me as a reality, and although I'm still hear to tell the tale my own being currently has been reduced to almost constant hypervigilance. For those not familiar with PTSD that means you expect the worst in every area relating to your past experience and then have to relearn how to get each area one by one back into normal proportion. The end result if successful would be a virtual immunity to everything as there'd be nothing left to fear, as all your fears had become real and then put away or better still thrown away. That's the theory anyway and then it means I'm clear for future success without suddenly finding a panic attack wrecks whatever gifts I'd been given before being prepared to cope with it all.

So today was day two of my total freedom this week, I was still relatively tired after the builders woke me up again yesterday so in the end with no other ideas went to the shops and came back. That is it. To the random view that was a wasted day, but the planned view means it's a vital route to a final ending. The clues are there to stop a total despair, and my latest career step of having a published article tells me I must be doing something right. There's only one thing wrong with my life now, and that's having to live alone. Women come and go randomly whatever I do or don't do, I've been chasing them since nursery school (I always knew what they were for unlike some men even at my age), maybe it was some sort of instinct or genetic memory. I haven't been rejected by a woman recently as I haven't tried any. I've had offers though and so far turned them all down besides the bedroom ones. Anything else has been from women without all three requirements and am too old and tired to spend my time and effort with one eye looking for someone new. I never did really but in the past normally waited till they qualified or dumped them and waited for someone better when they turned out not to. Back when there were still single women my age that is.

The lack of free will has been mentioned before but for the three of you here who probably haven't seen it I have found even when I've made apparent mistakes they've got me somewhere I'd have missed otherwise. Not just once, take a wrong turning or get stopped at a red light and you see something you'd never have otherwise. Something points me everywhere so presumably decides when I meditate and who I find to watch online for more satsang. I have now reached the stage where whenever I look I am totally aware I am not here. To advaita students that means a step up, but only one to actually having it without having to look and keeping it all the time. But it's no longer a theory, I do experience it, and am aware of it as a reality. Technically I don't experience it actually, as it's a realisation there is no I to experience, only what is happening in that awareness, I is a thought that has been picked up some time after birth.

What the heck is it all leading to though I wonder? The mundaneness of the everyday life at the moment, article or not, is just as it was, as I'm only aware of the higher stuff when it happens and then return to before. Not even a slight colouring of the clear water with the new pigment of energy, but a total return to the ordinary. I think that only starts to happen at the next stage, one which is a lot closer to the final event should it ever occur. It is a series of initiations, starting with my bar mitzvah, then my degree, diploma, and various lesser ones. Each is harder to control or see happening, so can't just take the course, do the exams and pass or fail, but have aims and less and less ideas how to carry them out. Meditation is like insomnia, you can't sleep at will with insomnia, you lie down and sleep or not by grace. As you don't need results from meditation to survive that is even less likely to produce results, or control the few you do get. But you know without it you'll have none at all and there's no other route there besides it happening on its own.

I've been told I've given up, but then again giving up is the final step before enlightenment. I've simply realised there wasn't anything I could actually do, and probably never was besides what was obvious.

It's all guided at the moment

Back again, I have to begin by announcing the death of my grandma at 99, suddenly with no current illness and all her faculties. I do see it as 49 years with a grandma rather than time without though as we both knew positive thinking and that is exactly how she handled deaths close to her, and there were many.

Life is now getting back to normal in its new form of course, after the funeral and nightly Jewish prayers that followed. I lost a lot of sleep from the related activities as we all did in the family. But as signs are given from above mine have been in road signs, and on the way out of the cemetery was one of the rarest in Britain (3 now known) as maybe her final gift to me. She believed in all of that as well so would certainly have seen it as possible.

But what I said about making plans proved correct, you can't do it and don't know what's coming till the day before at most. The guidance and synchronicity is back in full thank goodness, I told a friend about the old signs who remembered 'danger children' which I don't remember seeing. Today I went back to Radlett as a weird sign cropped up in the background of a photo and I thought I'd better check, and was just a crap home made one for a private road. I rushed back home as I had stuff to do, and while trying to catch the green light at Elstree couldn't and just spotted something in the road off the main one. I'd already passed it and didn't look familiar but as there was no one behind me reversed back and saw an old sign 'No Through Road. Danger School Children'. That one speaks for itself. If I trust the guidance everything is coming my way now at last. And even if not it's filled in some incredible spaces in my sign collection at times which just turned up in the exact spots I was in although not part of an official search. I will see.

The bottom line (and I don't mean skidmarks).

So far I'm finding that before one becomes enlightened, whatever they've achieved in life doesn't really help them get through the inevitable tough patches. I expected it to, having high academic or professional status (not that I have) ought to insulate people from all but the worst traumas. but underneath we are just ourselves and these only operate when we use them for work. I didn't want to join Mensa for status but just to meet similar people, and as I already had an astronomical IQ result didn't need to join them to prove it. So the message now (I've been watching a lot more teaching recently provided online), is that all the other work is just tinkering around the edges. Without enlightenment the same crap will keep coming round as nothing's really changed. At least I now believe it's a real state as described clearly enough for me to understand, and while the little piles of dogshit in life keep causing me stress is the only way out.

Yesterday was my busiest work day for ages which paid my electricity bill, today was just bits and pieces preparing my grandma's house for her planned return from hospital tomorrow, I hope. I also found a third old sign on Streetview but when I got there it had already gone. Bound to happen as months old and at least was a local one. So today I end empty handed, as far as I know, with nothing to look forward to. But it was the same on Monday and look what happened, so the pattern should continue. My little list, learnt from watching The Secret, is now being worked through one by one, and so far has actually worked. No need to understand how as long as it does. Making things come easily at my time of life is a great relief and had the rest of it doing things the hard way. No need for more if possible not to.

So tomorrow will not be completely blank, gardening needs to be done (it rained most of last week), I need stamps to send things abroad, and am then waiting to hear when my grandma needs me there if she makes it home on time. That looks bloody boring from here but then again tomorrow is not now so will look different then. I keep sending more emails for media work and sign enquiries and slowly the replies arrive. The only open door so far is a possible magazine usage next year, which would be enough to get me in the business. I hope my material is seen as esoteric enough for them though as it's pretty down to earth stuff on ways to manage in life better. Important but may not be their area. I could write about the synchronicity but besides being just for my benefit and not really for teaching anyone anything, can't really prove much with it. You have to be there to do that and anyone with me has seen it happen directly over and over again.

Just for fun I'd like to think of all the things I've missed or lost and would like back. Most are gone and not reversible, like burning the negatives, but a few can be regained if people cooperated. I thought I had more photos of Routemasters after two afternoons taking them, and they turned up (one set so far anyway) but all the rest on the list are not going to be here already but need replacing. Now when your cat's bollocks are removed you can't put them back, and how many of my losses are the equivalent I'm not entirely sure, but even the ones that could be sewn back and function are very hard to persuade others to find them and do so. I've lost loads of things as well as we all have, and some have turned up in the past so never know there. And that includes people, most buggered off deliberately so wouldn't want to see my face again, but a few just drifted away mainly abroad. But although some may be the equivalent of raising the dead body of Lazarus some are a little more realistic although maybe as likely.

But one thing is I learnt not to moan to live people some time ago, so save it for here. Not like the live people who moan to me non stop. Gets them nowhere and just spreads the manure further over me as well. Thanks a lot. You can't solve other people's personal problems, and just unloading for the sake of it gets no one anywhere verbally as it achieves nothing. Before blogs I wrote it down for me to read and that was enough. And of course the ones that moan the most often have the least to moan about, as the ones who have the most are too busy suffering to stop and waffle about it endlessly. Many people want it all and don't appreciate what they do have as it doesn't measure up to what they expect. Do they really need to lose it each time to realise they have something many people don't at all? And they moan about it to those people? Yes. At least by saying it here anyone guilty or able to tell others who are may be saved from not appreciating everything they do have as well as boring others moaning about its shortcomings. I can but hope.

The bottom line is I deserve better. 49 years of less and less in my life is quite enough. It's no use when I get things I want and then no more as it's people that make life good, things just keep you busy and comfortable. But they can't make you happy. Why should I be condemned to live alone from 32 till I die where even the thickest most boring individuals manage to find someone they want who also tolerates them? I shouldn't. Why should I be the one everyone tells their problems to when I usually have far worse ones than they do? And finally why should I be the guy who is nice to everyone 99.9% of the time so gets into major trouble the one time I'm not? You can see I do have a point here.

In the gap

I am currently battling the boredom gremlin, it comes and goes, sometimes with its cousin the hopeless gremlin. I see the current of guidance continue, but is so bloody slow and trivial a lot of the time it isn't quite dramatic enough yet to take me out of it. Nothing's bad now, but no real profit. No big win. No effort or planning required for those, we all buy a ticket and a few people who did exactly what the others did get a big win. No different from life. Qualifications are the equivalent of being rich enough to buy a few hundred tickets, but the quality of life they give you is not. That is the difference.

Philosophy out of the way I am still hoping for a little more, a larger profit. How long do I need to wait? You don't get a prize when you're no longer able to use it. I could have a child at 80 but how long would I have to get to know it? That's what I mean. Or fame. After months of inactivity my Youtube enlightenment videos have all arrived again though, taking me back to my main plan after a detour. And making a few more videos myself again. Tomorrow is a bit of a test (like the world will listen), I have no plans or ideas or expectations, just time and space. Someone offered a possible sign exactly where I was planning to go on Sunday, although I thought I'd looked there already. That will be interesting. If it's all guided then even the speed (lack of it) is for a purpose. But why make me bored or impatient? I can't do much with that can I?

Things appear to finally be aiming where I want whatever I seem to do now, but the pace is incredibly slow. I don't appreciate hours in front of this screen as there's nothing better to do, I get little out of it and expect few others do. But even my inspiration seems not to be mine. I just get an idea. It wasn't one I'd finally worked out, but one that could have come to me at any time. My latest music video is a tune I heard in a dream, and although in the past the inspiration and guidance was rare, it seems once I had an event beyond the random coincidences we all get, the guidance has now been continuous. Each time I think I've run out then something arrives, for weeks now. I hope no more signs turn up the other side of London, that's beyond the call of duty, but any others within 30 miles are welcome if they arrive. I've now emailed some councils asking if they have any hiding as Streetview is good for direction signs at junctions but not any others. I will see there. But it seems now I've run out of this project the enlightenment one may pick back up, as if that comes then the ups and downs won't matter, so I'm told.

The flow continues

I can say the system is still working, the business issue is taken care of and the rest can follow. Still even getting more old signs, and with Google streetview saved hundreds of car miles looking online, finding one more after the 4th day of eliminating roads. Now I've got another trip over the river at night but can't cut corners (pun intended).
Other than that free, gardening to do and that's about it. Plenty of jobs done last week, shopping, got a photo back from a video of an old sign that crept in unnoticed and now needs cleaning up to get it in focus. That's with a friend who knows how and hope it can be done.

My old road sign from Ebay is on its way and may clean up as a previously unknown flat version rather than cast iron. But a lot cheaper than others I've come across. No one else has replied from the council or the media (TV and papers) but they can fuck themselves. If they end up delivering it will be nice but am no longer caring what any twat in authority does for the rest of my life. I'm not their playthings however much they like to use us as one. When of course they're not playing with their own. I reckon if I was on a request, if it was a no of course you should say immediately, and if it's very complex and needs working on I'd send an email to say it was being taken care of. Not from these articles, half never reply at all and the others come back with yet more questions to incredibly simple requests. Almost impossible to implement but bloody easy to understand.

So I have stayed in the flow now since it began, and everything has arrived that has just as it was meant to. Of course there's a lot more that could happen but at least I'm no longer attached to that. And I'm completely mystified how I'll get another woman's attention after my standby met someone else after 24 years on and off (mainly on), as no others I met lasted long enough to drop her. I usually had one or two other reserves who were like eating pot noodles rather than a proper meal but pretty reliable in the same way. I met them in 1982, 1984 and 1987 so that period of my life when there was a reasonable supply, who I kept connected with for decades since is over by half a lifetime. The few since have come and gone (in all ways) very quickly, and any of the level I was actually interested in didn't often do anything before they buggered off either. But after decades of getting the sexual equivalent of rice and chick peas but regularly to literally nothing is something that needs to be remedied, but without resorting to payment for the first time ever, can't imagine what I can do.

But then again, if I'm in the flow, that has to include everything and should just turn up in the same way. If you're looking for something in particular you hardly ever find it, but often find something else. The more specific you are the less likely you are to get what you want to. So whatever comes the order doesn't matter and is in no way connected to the amount of work I put into it, besides the most basic scanning roads which is not complicated enough to require more than a blanket search.

It can go either way today

I had stopped all the spiritual stuff as it had run out but with the new trust in the system, which will have to screw up majorly before I drop my acceptance of it. Now why it would take 49 years before I was allowed this privilege is not clear, except that when things have been held back in the recent past it was to make me get more before I got them. Except I have not got them. I did get more I didn't know about first as I didn't have anything better, but so far, nothing better.

This means there is a growing list of 'nots'. From those I lost in childhood I haven't got back, ever since, and those I am currently attempting to get. Few have died either but the progress is slow enough to leave yawning gaps where I feel I could be wasting time as I run out of things to do. No more old signs left. Wherever they were within reach in 3 months I have reached all if not nearly all of them, so today will probably do a bit of speculative shopping (for things that are probably not available there) locally, one work booking (all week that is) and the rest is only known on the day or just before. That is the downside of all downsides of being alone, as you have no one else to make the journey interesting. If there's nothing to do for most people they talk. I can't.

I emailed 17 local papers with the sign story two asked me for, nothing. Little surprise there. I don't like wasting time but even now for instance I am writing this as there isn't anything else left to do. I end up imagining how nice it would be if something good happened by the end of the day to wipe it out but besides finding the signs already (and an old photo of them yesterday, although not my own), nothing. I don't expect too much. Nearly everyone else isn't alone even if not living with a partner. And even those who are are rarely only children as we are the exception. When our parents die unless we're married or have our own children that's it. And those with partners did not need to earn them by having a job either, the two things are not connected. So that's one fate I was inexplicably given. And the TV and media work is the result of years of activities however little I do now. So besides not being related to effort I don't think success is related to deserving it or much else, you either get it or not with no connection to the reasons others assume are required.

Well today is a good test. I have a clear view ahead (clear of anything worthwhile that is) and you can't have a theory without it being checked. The system can't just start and break down as soon as it's under pressure. Then it's not a system at all. I will see.

A missing entry replaced?

I thought I wrote something the other day but it's not here. I have another blog but thought I did both but no matter. Basically (I said London had no signs left to find last time) I had a free night on Monday and searched 3421 London old sign photos. Half way through one popped up I hadn't seen and on the way found another and a third I knew about on a slight accidental detour as they had given a slightly wrong address and not where it was supposed to be. Very interesting.

So since then I've had no plans at all. But after that I trusted things seem to be taken care of, and although I've done nothing important since I've kept occupied and not actually wasted the free time. Nothing around me has really changed, the news is shite and my social life is even worse, but I have my interests and nothing stops them. I've scanned all my road photos back to 1969, and looked through all the others from 1950-80 of London as well. If there is indeed a new flow I am now going with it. Up till now all synchronicity was in the form of echoes, hearing the same word/phrase a few times, which is recognised and called the Baader-Meinhof effect. Interesting but useless beyond showing a background controller. But Monday followed all the influences described in Autobiography of a Yogi, from controlling thoughts and actions to timing. If it's happened now it should now mean I've crossed that line and is supposed to signify spiritual development.
In the logical side many of these phenomena exist at quantum level and they are now beginning to realise they are not limited there but affect us at all levels. We always knew but they couldn't prove it. Besides a bit of boredom and impatience nothing's actually gone wrong since then, and something really awful would have to to make me doubt the flow had now been entered.

Every attempt I have made has been forgotten like a lottery ticket (had I the lack of IQ to buy them), as if you have nothing and ask for something you still have nothing so can only live with that. The attempts are currently for: (I have added the likely chances)

1) A book to be published of my sign photos (0.01%)
2) An article to be written about my old sign campaign (50%)
3) An old sign to be put back (1%)
4) The location of an old sign to be discovered (50% although probably was removed)
5) An ex to get back on track, besides an 80 mile gap between us (5%)
6) Writing online crosswords (98% as I have already)
7) Get my final TV programme on (40%)
8) Bid for an old road sign (98%)
9) More old signs in Surrey (80%)
10) A national paper article (1%)

There are probably more but most wither on the vine besides the most likely ones, as they do for all, but when you consider most people's biggest ambition for pleasure is to get married and nearly everyone does, I've missed apparently one of the easiest. No idea why at all. I just heard a lovely single woman on the radio who wants a man, although probably Pakistani, and she had the same results as me for a long time except she was married first. Miles away from me and probably hostile to my ethnicity, and that sort of barrier has plagued every woman since I started looking. Even the hypothetical ones like her. But if my life is now being guided to success every old issue should be corrected. And it'll be about bloody time.

We get what is given

There are two possibilities. Either things get better or they don't. I keep busy regardless but will always know what I'm missing especially as I've experienced enough to know the difference. But all the activity won't change the outside decisions. I asked someone else from the past to meet me a couple of days ago, despite the distance, just in case. Otherwise it's like waiting for the rain to come. You can play video games, watch TV, wander around but it doesn't change the lack of rain.

Meanwhile life goes on. My own philosophy seems to simplify life more and more as it is really simply a method of trying to get as much pleasure from our time here as possible. The problems arise when something or someone tries to stop them, or they are sabotaged by circumstances like illness. It's not easy. But the cack so many people let ruin their lives will never cease to amaze me. There are so many spoiled children out there that don't just get free ice cream but scream the house down as it's the wrong fucking flavour. Ungrateful sums it up. I am now happy for every small thing I have and more and more overlook the problems as long as they have no lasting effect. I've had enough to learn it. And if I can everyone can as problems and their reactions are universal.

For example, people who whinge for years when a relationship breaks up. What? We are all born naked and alone, and besides our parents (which some don't even have then if they've died or left) that is the most we can take for granted. How anyone can be devastated when anyone outside that family goes, so their lives are ruined for an indefinite period is handing the power to the enemy. Every person who isn't a blood relative is extra and not designed to be a permanent part of our lives. If we believe we are we have handed our power to them, and instead of enjoy them while we can we can get so attached we become dependent on them. Not me thank you. 24 hours to mourn the loss and back to business. Learnt it after the first time when my friend asked me how long I wanted the bitches to ruin my life. I said a day was enough and that was that. Easy. Never got me since. How can you miss what isn't yours in the first place? Our family is part of us so we lose someone who can never be replaced as they are unique, but others pass throughout our lives, if we are ready for it we won't be caught in the trap.

Funnily enough I came here first as Funtrivia is down, just when I wrote my first quiz in 10 months. So it made me think of what I'd learnt recently to add here as whatever insights I have are used in my work unless they are too confrontational. And when life simplifies itself for me all the time I see less and less that can't be understood by everyone. And none work on trust as you can see for yourself by checking. So in a way I may be reporting negativity in my own life but much positive for others. As despite simplifying it also simplifies our limits, and I spend a few years asking anyone I could and not one offered a single door in the wall of powerlessness. My suspicion was right, some situations are totally passive with no trick or little known methods that were kept secret. It's all as it seems and there are no hidden exits besides inner changes through meditation. But the world outside is the same as watching it on TV besides our own input as a single person against millions. Not a lot of difference there then.

I have also reached a point where I'd prefer answering questions on all this than repeating the same principles in different ways. Practical applications will vary for each question and the answers tend to come from the same area so work for virtually everything even if you may not like them. How many millionaire motivational speakers tell you you can do fuck all but get on with something else and forget about it? Not many people would pay to hear that advice but many times it's the truth. So all you can do is use the resources that are here and the others simply don't exist. Like my video editing program. If the tools aren't provided the work can't be done, end of. But besides that advice the rest is pretty practical so that is just the worst case, and can be quite liberating as once you realise nothing can be done you can let go and drop it.

The world today

One question that comes to mind at the moment, am I getting anywhere? In what I call duality, ie the world before enlightenment where everything is real despite being told it's not, sod all. Absolutely zero. Every plan this year has ended up in landfill, women, media work and any other plan that could have improved my life had it actually happened.
Thank goodness outside duality my own inner work as been shifted as there is now no mental blockage to enlightenment. I'm even noticing little things for the first time since I began this path in 1997 and know they are signs something in there probably is happening. But until and unless it keeps doing so I'm still in this world and would like it to provide some more than there currently is.

I've got nothing left in the way of work or social projects, the last lot delivered what they did and that's it. Some of the old ones will crawl on, like selling a few more photobooks and postcards, but they are at a loss more or less and won't get me any better work unless a shop was to order some. At least with my health picking up I now both visit and appreciate covering my areas, the shops of NW11, N10 and NW3 for a start. Before it was just as routine as cleaning my teeth but now I realise what I can get from every interactive part of my life, being stopped from it for so long. Technically it only needs one, two at the most people to fix many of my problems from lack of pleasure. One friend and one woman. Too much of a tall order? 97% of all those over 25 I come across who want not to be single (OK it's a guess but probably not far off) so why should I be left out? It must include (anti-PC alert!!!) cripples, midgets and mingers who all seem to more or less manage like everyone else, albeit not as frequently, so how did I miss? All the elements one would say women were looking for besides being normal height were in my profile at one stage or other but made no difference. The good ones always left before things got interesting, even if it was not because of me.

So day by day more little jobs need to be doing as we all have (unless we have other people to do them for us), I wander around collecting new bus numbers and station photos for the groups, and write about it afterwards. I have compared my blogs to exploring a well used hanky at times, as you just go from one mess to the next. I can't philosophise that besides seeing all events come in phases, big and small. Including non events, which all rolled up this year. I did sell 10 postcards, see a dodgy car number plate with the camera this time, and get a DVD of the colour trade tests I hadn't seen since 1972, but in a year or so that's not really much, but at least on the inner side my major project may just have opened up. But that is unknown territory and can't see what may be ahead, if anything is. That's new science so not able to navigate any unless I learn more from experience. It just takes one area to shift. It's a big ask but one which others seem to get, at least with friends and partners, with little effort. The business side is more in my control besides the ultimate fame element, unless I start showing myself off in other ways if I can think of any. Without the help of an insider that path is almost shut and I can't think of any others I can become connected with.

Meanwhile the economy affects those involved with it, a few go broke and many lose their jobs, and many more are being rewarded and if whoever objected to me getting benefits for major medical issues then divert your wrath to the greedy bastards who gambled on getting more debts repayed than was possible and are now being fed far more than I'll ever be given in my life. It's not those who deserve money that are given it all the time but those who have the real power. It's called corruption and because of that there isn't enough for those who really do need it. I borrowed once for a loft conversion, it cost me far more than I expected and paid it off as soon as possible and never again. Loft conversions are one of the few areas where work done will on average return twice the investment if you paid a reasonable price, and I needed the space. But in the same situation again I'd move somewhere cheaper with the room already. I've learnt, will anyone else?

My crystal ball is now clear. It sees a horizon hours ahead and beyond that the assumption is based on inertia, that things will stay the same unless something moves one of them. Even watching the economy news has lost its appeal after doing some research. The recessions since the 30s have been so trivial to all but the unluckiest, and like climate change, I was totally unaware of their existence besides what I was told on the news. Except they were real unlike climate change (besides the fact it always does). What we have now is simply a worldwide shared debt based on unrestricted lending and the resulting carnage. No cause at all in the real world. No droughts, shortages or wars beyond the average. Just greed. The lenders were greedy and fed on greedy borrowers with apparently no end to the repayments based on property security which was worth half what was lent on it. I'm not an expert but that is the level of maths I did in kindergarten. They stuffed their heads in the sand and pretended it couldn't happen. So now world governments have decided the claim needed for benefits now includes corporate bankruptcy. Please start disapproving of others now, I could never compete with them.

The week ahead?

As this is the time I would otherwise be talking to someone about my day and the week ahead, as there isn't anyone it has to go here and shared in delay. Not that there is much in either pile but of all my options this is the best one now.

I have been all over the place in the last week with the camera mainly as I've done everywhere nearby and if I don't find places to go there's little else to do. In the winter I may switch to painting again but that has got me nothing besides a redundant collection in a gallery and there's little point adding to that. Art is usually judged by the customer rather than the artist and they were happy enough to take them so I presume they thought they could sell. And tomorrow I do the same with the postcards so will see. Not that there's any money in them at all, just publicity. But nothing wrong with that. One small ray of light is the BBC will be using a photo I took (seen the day I took it), and will post a link when up later in the week. I'm not complaining but clearly all media will use a lot done by total amateurs when it's free. And professionals.

Besides the postcard trips I'm really not sure what else will be done this week/year/rest of my life actually. The woman who was meant to return home last week hasn't called, which presumably means she hasn't dumped her boyfriend and there's no point calling if she hasn't as it won't get me anywhere. I really do intend to meditate more as well, although the bad weather will encourage it more with less to do elsewhere. It is definitely the only thing we have that can even be partially relied on, and at worst does nothing noticeable and at best will get you way past anything you could ever experience without it. Some get that a lot but we all react differently. I have a couple of people I'm working with on the psychic research front, and if either or both can deliver my own view of the world will be very different. I'm talking both about interacting with physical matter with the mind and physically leaving this dimension. Meditation has shown me just because we haven't ever come across something doesn't mean it doesn't exist. You just need to know what to do. Without dragging things down how long do most kids live before they discover the orgasm? Till then there wasn't even a clue and suddenly they find a new experience they can pursue the rest of their lives. Psychic ones are in the same area as that, except you can't demonstrate them to others so easily.

I think the work accounts are now over for a while as all the entries have been entered and forms sent off, and just a few bits to dig up for the main ones. But now I'm not even waiting for anything like email replies or media stuff besides that one little photo, and have no plans to send any new ones unless someone else I knew registers on a networking site. But the odd thing is I only need plans for the next day at worst, and those I have. Then although it seems impossible should find more tomorrow for the next day etc. I would love to see England play at Wembley on Wednesday, and have been in 15,000 crowds not that long ago, but 50,000 with probably hundreds in front, behind and on either side would freak me out within minutes. But that has been the case for most of the last 20 plus years. I'd probably be lucky to cope with that even with an injection let alone all my tablets. But it's only a mile or so from here and I've only ever seen England play once there and that was in 1972. Luckily a few internationals are played elsewhere now for other teams visiting so seen a couple of others locally as well. One's even on video as I was at the front and in it many times. But I have cable and will get a little return on my investment as the bastards seem to have got even more England games than usual which is fine unless I'm not at home as no one else has it.

I know talking about cancer doesn't give it to you, but does talking about bad news attract it? Views are divided, I hate to mention all the possible disasters that could happen and it's true very few do to anyone, but although I laugh at the view thinking and feeling like you've got something good attracts it to you, somehow it seems possible you can attract the opposite. Probably as that often does and the other doesn't. But thinking and talking about it probably doesn't make any difference either way. I'd be far more interested to hear people's opinions on this than anything else actually as you can only find that sort of area out by others experiences.

It's Christmas! Can I swear?

Bollocks I can... Yes, the time has arrived, and not wanting to be yet another depressing message about spending Christmas alone I'll leave it at that. It's only just past midnight, and if dry and still light am planning to be possibly the only street photographer in action later on hopefully in the NW6 area. I am seeing my family later but it's a usual day so far.

I've already mentioned everything possibly ahead beyond today, and the last few days have only been occupied playing and writing quizzes online as well as missing a gym session as they closed very early and apparently didn't play a weekly football prediction game last week I was doing very well in till then. Tiny things but that's all I have at the moment. I've also lost a file which was literally next to the computer and involved about 12 pages printed off the internet I don't want to do again. So I'll spend a little more time looking for it although there was no chance it could be anywhere I can't see right now.

It's not new year yet but just looking at 2007 it has had its moments. Two more TV programmes in the can and one woman just crossed my pass mark with. I won't go into details with but you can work it out. Off the top of my head I can't think of much else beyond the usual, I took a couple of thousand photos, got the new video camera and produced some more albums. Average amount of work (always is overall although it has come in bunches for as long as I remember), and don't think I've seen anyone or been anywhere special, but also realised I don't have to. It's the people we know and see the whole time that count and if they're not there that's when life changes. Mine have drifted away gradually since 1981 and am now down to very few but know they come and go as they choose and not as I choose.
I may even go to bed early tonight, I've been online most of the day and really haven't got much else to do here. Too late for TV even if there was anything. All we need in life is someone to talk to at home and otherwise we are bound to run out of occupations. There really is only so much you can do at home and besides my photos the lack of friends nowadays has made going out pretty limited as well. So that is 2007, and no amount of therapy and meditation, let alone all this law of attraction pony is going to change that. Some things are truly out of our hands and I am unable to do a thing more to change it.

Fatalism

I wonder what a prisoner would write about in a blog? Not much happening there, especially if in solitary. Well when all I do is leave the house for an hour to take a few pictures somewhere I've taken them 5 times before as that is all there is to do means there isn't much to report. I haven't even got in touch with the only woman standing (with some good reason) and there has been no news of any sort with only the arrival of a couple of music DVDs to break the monotony. I've heard nothing yet about the next TV (online) appearance, officially 2 months left of autumn so no rush for them to remove their fingers from deep within their media rectums. The 4th showing isn't for ages and I'll only be able to see it on DVD once they send it.

It has got simply boring, everything that shows promise ends in anticlimax, and if I'm given messages in dreams that all is well why does nothing in my life happen to reflect that? I am using youtube now for hypnosis, meditation and psychic development lessons, can I do any more? Can I bollocks. I think I managed half a job on my growing list last week, ahead may be one or two this week but none are that urgent anyway. And of course I don't expect more as so far there has been no more. Of course every good thing in life doesn't have to be earned. The best things are often there when you are born or soon after, or just arrive on their own. All you earn is money and that's only one area of success, more of a need than a want. Two people I thought knew better just blew me out as well, and for what it's worth I just found the site of someone from Big Brother who I just emailed so who knows.

I also learnt we can't dig ourselves out of these situations directly, and probably not at all, as much as we can't change the weather. Invite 100 people out and they can all say no, and I know you only need one good one anyway. Look at sport, England dumped out of Europe (again), the rugby (as expected) and Lewis Hamilton's car packs up to let Mr Nobody win the world title. Now Ronny O'Sullivan is about to lose a final to a Chinaman (not that anyone else besides Jimmy White would be any better). Out of our control, we have a minor part in our lives, we have the power to say yes and no, where we go and some of the things we do, but nothing lasting or very useful outside exams. They have a structure not found elsewhere so although there isn't the finality of a failure there isn't the organisation of planning the process. Try saying 'I'm going to get a girlfriend' 'I'm going to be famous' or better still 'I'm going to be happy'. No way. They happen when they want to, not when you do. That is life and so far no one can tell me any different.

Progress possibly

In the last couple of days I've had not only more evidence of remote viewing, but stories from people I know (rather than from books) about seeing the future and being protected from disaster that hadn't yet happened. All this paints a picture of a world quite different from what it appears, the problem being the higher level only appears to most once in a blue moon against a background of banal normality.
We have choices, but given in order to learn which is the right one, and suffer the consequences to avoid us making them again, like enjoying yourself when studying for a degree. These are the self created problems, my only beef being the severity of consequences I would probably have changed without such loud messages. For instance suffering for months rather than hours from a poor decision doesn't teach you any more. You realised your mistake so extending the punishment is more earthly than heavenly. If you create a system (assuming a creator) why make the system tougher than it needs to be?

On the other sides, I still see what could be called piles of manure in the road ahead, and am either ploughing right through or round them when I can find a way. Until this week there was little pleasure to balance, but if my TV programme is on after all that is my good news. After today the only crap ahead is the tax inspection which was delayed for a few weeks and not by me. Crap that I know of anyway. I am realising my reluctance to go out is a physical thing as well, as recovering from chronic fatigue I am using the effort to go round a few shops it would have taken for a day at work. I am limited by my energy and that is low. My brain works perfectly though so I take it back home and create. Photo prints, essays, discussions, networking, all from here. I have visitors, do psychic research and meditate.

Typically Big Brother starts tonight and I have to go out so am recording it, I just hope it works as seeing the new arrivals is a unique programme and sets you up for the rest of the series. My priorities may be all fucked up but they work for me. Meanwhile I see other people running around going out to cinemas, meals and meetings and wonder how I ever managed them myself. I am now able to do limited activities for about an hour and then return home. Better than nothing for sure and it's a lesson not to feel inadequate as a couple of years ago (with the help of tablets I can no longer take) I was like that as well, though not like 20 years earlier. As so much going out is driven not by interest but boredom I see a virtue there, as I'm content nowadays at home, especially with friends or family. I may well have experienced more than the current people my age travelling the world as I crammed it all in to about the first 25 years. Making the lists I am still probably ahead on theatres cinemas and football matches as I used to blitz them when I was interested, and still do with the football health permitting. 4 games in 5 days I think is my record. Driving 50 miles on a Saturday to see a new ground and then drive home was actually good fun and I always bought a little souvenir from the club shops if open, and have a teddy from Southend, a ruler from Oxford, a car from Wycombe and had I not thrown it an empty paper cup from Reading. My version of tourism.

I think the delayed high from last year from the TV programme will carry me along for a while as at the time it was the only thing keeping me sane, was then removed so I had to survive unarmed, and have now got it back. Until you're enlightened you can only get most of your pleasure from outside, and that's how it's designed to work or we'd never bother to do anything. Once you've worn out these avenues (women excepted) you work on inner pleasure as I did in 1996. OK, I'm still waiting, but trying legal drugs which only ended me up in a & e were my only attempt to speed the process. Bad move, seen the error and never again. Many try and many fail that route, not worth the risk but I was desperate and totally uninformed. I suppose the fact LSD was unavailable at the time is one help as people can live with that for life after one trip. Soon after I was offered some and said I'd already tried that route and stopped. Good timing there at least, it may enlighten a few people, and drive the others insane.

Well, that's the news from NW9, it's a relief to have net access but hope the laptop is fixed so I can keep the quizzes up over the weekend. But I still have to look at the cheese and not the holes. Not always that easy. But nothing wrong with a good hole either.

Bored as hell...

Today's theme is bored. Not just now but looking ahead. Probably an illusion and if I see it improve will show me it was. I hope it won't rub off to my reader and will be inspiration to my writing not a damper.
Only routine activities recently, nothing really happened besides just making a top 100 list in the soon to end funtrivia quiz. These are kept for posterity so hope to maintain it for the week or two before it ends. These are some of the top quizzers in the world so some achievement.
Meanwhile hoping for a few coming forks in the road it only takes one person or possibly event to improve my life, it certainly takes little enough to fuck it up, and having completed a 60 day self development course (only a short CD per day basically) I am now meditating again, the only thing within my power to help myself. I've been watching Maharaji video clips again and it looks even better than before. Not many teachers have the insight and material to offer he does and the thousands of people who have learnt his meditation have often had huge improvements in their lives. I certainly know what it can do even though it didn't happen as much as it could for me.

So, I am almost lost but not quite as I have a few tricks to keep me sane, mainly only planning a day ahead as I described. I will be going to take pictures of more paths in Highgate next, then picking the best of the lot for another album. Technically if you take your eyes off the news, like they have to in Big Brother, it's a lot easier to focus on real life. The news isn't our life and isn't relevant, trust me. Most would have no effect and we are only aware as the media selectively tell us what is happening. Iraq can look after itself and just as people abroad don't give a fuck about our problems why do we need to hear in incredible detail about theirs? It's all a device to take our attention away from real problems we don't need the TV to tell us are happening. So the news can silence itself, the day Wembley Stadium opens I'll see the parking restrictions so no need to be told, and people elsewhere don't need to know unless they're going to see something there. Real news is what changes our lives and there's little new in the world and what gets on the news isn't what affects us. Now they're talking about the Falklands. Obviously a quiet news day. 99% of Brits couldn't find them on a map and we really don't need to care about the place. If they worked to reduce the price of the ferry to the Isle of Wight I'd be interested but no, they spend it on a country almost as far as New Zealand.

Anyway, hopefully my words of wisdom can pull a few readers back down to earth, and remind you to focus on local reality not nonsense far away which is none of our concern. Well, the next lot of quizzes are ready to play so I'll put everyone out of their misery and piss off. Goodbye.