No change

Having had time to think about it, I think people learn new tricks but don't actually change. They can try, discover a particular fault and work to fix it, but sooner or later the rubber will bounce back as that's who we are. We didn't choose it, we didn't design it and it's not our job to do any more than manage the worst of it through tricks. We can't change the feelings which drive these acts, just not act on them. That's who we are. I feel the same now as I first remember nearly 50 years ago. That's me, I feel like me and I always have. I've tested it on me, I've tested it on others and I don't think it's fair or realistic to expect anyone to become different other than by maturing and not acting on their lower drives.
So I'm happy to drop the bugs but they're not changing me, they're just spotting mistakes and correcting them. I'm no different, and my reactions are no different from trying to change what's happening in a TV programme we're watching. That script has been written and only the audience can decide to laugh or cry.

Otherwise it's a quiet time, the usual sort of possibilities, some closer than others, a 'non date' on Thursday (all I have at the moment, woman, no action) and the rest is in the future. All this heavy stuff on personal development is beyond the pale unless the person makes a decision help is required, and as doctors can see if they need one I can see I don't, that work has been done over the last 30 years or so and however many rough edges are left it's chance if the odd one is worn off by an observer or left to become like my grandpa after having a stroke left him with few inhibitions. I think all I'd do was laugh at farts more and talk about myself with little restraint. I'd probably be ruder online but only because people seem to find it easy here where they probably never would in the real world. That's not personality but a bad habit so can be stopped when picked up. Now powder my nose and call me Shirley but I can't see how being lonely is a character flaw as accused of earlier. Besides my pathological anxiety (I have a certificate to prove it) there's nothing at all wrong with me, and complaining that one by one all the people close to me have gone until only my parents are left then it's hardly my doing. I did nothing to get these people in my life so have no direct way to add more. They just attach themselves to you if not related as and when you come across them, and stay until they go. Effort was never a factor, my friends were either from school, my parent's friends' children or from my annual holiday. They began vanishing when they got married one by one besides one, and the rest readjusted their radar to people like them.

So I'm in a gap, a drought, most people I see are the only ones left, but none left from the old life more than once a year or so. If I share that with people it's no different from sharing a hernia, a bereavement or which tablets I've been prescribed. If you're reporting good circumstances it makes you no more strong person than reporting bad ones a weak one. It's just weather. In my case climate but as we all know, climate changes. And that's not man made either whatever they try and tell you.
I can either fill the gap with anyone I can find, like eating bogies or picking up fagends from the gutter, or manage without as nothing is better than the wrong stuff I can tell you. The average ones are better than nothing, like space rations, but no one wants to live of freeze dried food and tablets forever. Is this a character fault by describing what's now an 18 year reality more or less? If not then am I missing anything I could do about it? It's like studying as I've said before, quality not quantity. Going out and looking or online is the equivalent of reading your books all day with little or no direction. If there was anywhere specific, like your best potential essay, I'd exploit it, but social life isn't as clear cut as an exam course.

I've still got a few good years left in me, it can change, droughts end with or without rain dances, and will without the rain dance, and as such there's no need for me to do one. The best I do is look up people I know already as at least I know exactly what I'm getting. As I've known so many once you exclude the many moved away you have a few locally and if lucky I only really need to get back with one or two to fill the gaps. And despite a financial shortfall I may still try and move when my grandma's house is sold and will fill the money gap with a well chosen tenant. I'll be making far less money than now as most will have gone on the house, but I'm good at making a little go a long way. Plus the area is far more civilised and likely to meet people old and new as it's where I grew up and since. That's the best way I know and will cost me all my money to do so at great financial risk. But why not improve your life while you can and just trust your wits to eat beans for a year or two and not use the car very much? I could even drop Sky TV as long as I have the internet, so have a few areas to cut just like the present government. But that is ahead, and can't happen for some time, till then it's carry on as usual and hope for more, and think I've chucked out the idea that in some way I'm personally responsible for this out of the window. Unless you know different?

Completing the circle

OK, Michael Jackson got to 50, and then look what happened. But they still can't take that away from me, and managed to retain at least some hair on top despite it starting to leave around half a lifetime ago. I'm just the same though, give all the health back and I'm no different from 14 inside. Today was the usual challenge, freedom but no company. There was a booking at 7.30 but the daytime was free, I was up much later than expected writing this last night, but I learn more from writing than anyone as it allows material up from inside I didn't always realise was there so affects me directly.
Last night I made a list of photos and videos I could do before I went to bed, and realised Cricklewood a mile or so away had never been filmed as it's such a dump. So I drove a circle from end to end, with still photos along the way, and have more to show on the travel films. After uploading it all a minute after 7.30 I thought 'she's not coming', despite being a regular, and 15 minutes later I was certain. I was tired, the money always helps, but is a bit like cheating when you pass the event without it happening. No gain and not a problem but that money is now absent. Never mind, my health is probably more important and had a rest instead (in front of the computer).

Yesterday I was based in the past, and after what is now exactly 50 years (OK, at 6.45pm) will see if I can drag it towards the present and see what sort of a sandwich it makes. 1981 was the year my mother left, so half my life's foundation fell that day, and although kept the same environment another 12 years wasn't really the same. I was still very busy, besides studying and working I had loads of friends and went out nearly every night when I didn't have exams. No phobias back then, most people get them later than that as I did. I collected train tickets, driving up to 250 miles each way in a day to get as many as I could before they were withdrawn, and with the degree taking up more and more time till 1984 went out with any woman who was interested rather than run around looking and getting too distracted. So I was usually in a couple of sorts, but never satisfied with a single one of them. The best I think was physically reasonably good but half witted and lived in Essex so had to pack it in after the journey home took about an hour and had exams on the horizon. It was pretty easy to replace them but not with ones of equal quality.

So the remnants of my roots continued to the end of 1993 as with the same house hadn't changed my life enough to notice, although had my own flat as well from 1988 onwards where I came and went as I said yesterday. But always home to return to. Then when I finally had to leave I was still working in the same place till 1997 so had there to return to only a mile from the old house and people from school coming in regularly. Not being a fan of work I was quite happy when that ended and just fannied around and went on little holidays as no one would give me another job however many hundreds of applications I made. I had a girlfriend or three at the time (always all or nothing with me, and quantity over quality), and went to the Cotswolds and Brussels with one, plus going to stay near her in Manchester a couple of times. Her parents wouldn't let me stay there so had to commute. I also did my two day meditation course on the hottest days of the year in Brighton so used the freedom quite well at the time. Now we're only just over 10 years from the present.

In 2000 I got a call from the shop I'd left my details with months earlier who asked if I wanted to manage their new branch. The fact it was so far into Harlesden it was actually just before Willesden Junction station and the week I spent there was totally free of customers. Just before I left on the next Monday he called to say he was renting it out and that was the end of that. The record shop which took over was actually very busy, but no use as an opticians out on the edge of town. That put me off the whole thing and found some decent home study courses, and within 2 years had reached the top level of the profession, allowing me for the first time to apply for counselling jobs. I did plenty of that, had a half day long group interview in 2003, met 5 other counsellors there with me, missed the cut and went away after lunch while the other half stayed for shortlisting.
Besides that I'd been attached to various shops and healing centres, with a total of around four bookings in that period, one who didn't pay me. I was destined to work from home from then on.

But I decided to try shop work again and just carry on my private clients, and walked the length of the main roads asking any suitable outfit, including the ones with notices in the window. I was offered an interview by WH Smiths, left the CV there and heard nothing since. But from 2001 I was doing my voluntary work as an alien abductee counsellor and debriefer, and had a few people a year here plus others I communicated with indirectly. That led to my chosen TV career in 2006 which turned out four programmes in total and hope to continue. So that was the thread from 1980 where I left off yesterday to 2010. I don't think anything now is connected to my old life, my grandma died last year so although the house remains it's as dead as she is. Just visiting a grave now. My parents remain at opposite ends of London but neither house has much to do with my old life, dating back to 1983 and 1992. My mother's was just two fingers to me as even my stepbrother was welcome there as his father was in charge, and I was kept at arms length as he couldn't stand me. So the only associations that house has is being where my mother avoided me. No nostalgia there.

So somehow I want to come full circle, bring the present back to the past but with awareness. I didn't make it happen last time, I was just dropped there by my parents and watched as one went away and then the other. No control at all. Besides photos I can't really see any connections now besides the short times when I go and visit the old patch. None of my old lot there now really, only a few people I know as they live near my mum. Breaking the link meant whoever came and went while I've been elsewhere did it without my knowledge so really have no connections and would have to start from scratch if I ever went back.
I've no idea what can be done about it but I am still aiming in that direction. The key has to be meeting another person there but how the hell is that likely to happen?