Inspiration and expiration

Well, the current theme is 'nearly' in all but one area. Nearly means nothing either, you don't see anything coming until it happens, and although each start I've made this week adds to the list, I know few if any have any real substance behind them but it costs nothing to try. Not when it just means sending an email or enquiry off. But probably the real big thing, ie Sage Amrit from the last entry seems to cover all the jobs for me. I have watched a few hours of him since Tuesday and he seems as far as anyone can know the real thing. He can't be much more than 20, and became enlightened after 118 days of following the practices of the online guru who led me towards him from her own videos. But where she spoke waffle (sorry GuruSwami) he just speaks sense. I follow and understand everything he says. She has a list of daily practices to follow, and explains it's that and nothing else if you choose to join. I have followed enough guys already and still believe the single simple practice we can do all the time I already have, what I needed was the removal of the doubt in my mind it could lead anywhere and this is what Amrit has demonstrated to me. I understand many who see it will mean nothing to them, but you need both an interest and background in the area to know, and if you have it should demonstrate what it does.

I won't get bogged down in the technical details that leave most people cold, but at least this lineage recognises the role of kundalini energy, although my teacher's teacher did as well he hasn't seen any need to include it. I assumed that although we all knew it was real maybe he didn't see it as leading anywhere. And the reason we all know it's real is it's simply sexual excitement, at least the way most of us are familiar with it. Now if that escapes and fills the body it does clever things, it evolves us while alive to higher states. So even though it'll be activated whether a teacher believes in it or not this group know and understand every aspect of it. I activated mine from a very early meditation tape before I learned anything else, although the only lasting effect was being able to repeat the performance at various levels but with no actual personal changes recorded. I dropped it as a result as it seemed to be pointless, but it's come back now big and proud regardless of any other side effects and can't knock that.

Otherwise my admin work has been taking over half the week, plus it pissed with rain till today so made sure said admin work was done. Of course I'm feeling bloody disappointed currently simply because absolutely nothing I've done the last few days has shown any results besides the (most important) spiritual work. But the mind casts doubts from time to time on even that and I need to work through the last ones to be free. It's the usual assortment of attempts as always. Having to find an old email led me to many lost or forgotten ones, and one which gave me an address back in the new year I only just read and followed up. I then emailed a bunch of old friends, one excepted as she said she wanted me to email again and never replied since. Every woman from before has treated me equally as well, clearly satisfied with what they already have and no need to worry about the fact I was around before.
None of the latest work enquiries have turned into appointments, and unless I'm broke no longer give a fuck really. I don't need to practice to maintain my abilities, not after 17 years. A couple of hours a week is quite enough to stop me getting rusty and while the weather and light holds up I'm quite happy with the freedom and even did some more gardening. And one sideline, my work is one area people can and do swear. Not me too much but besides the clients having carte blanche as that is their privilege, if they use the words enough then I can quote them partly as it's relating to them in their own way. Now when I was 'sent' to a psychiatrist at 14 (about #3, except #1&2 were psychologists) he started saying 'fuck' I was not at all impressed. He was pretty fucking useless actually (see, it starts people off), but I suppose better than not trying at all. I was brought up not to use bad language and I only do here after a couple of years seeing pretty articulate and clever guys doing it and finally losing my inhibition. There's one forum I'm on that is one huge pissing contest, with middle aged intellectuals seeing who can outswear the others just because it's allowed. Most forums censor ass and hell so after some time being constricted it all hangs out. One more reason I do as well (especially as I'm a moderator!).

One more thing Amrit has taught me is not to care about plans as the future isn't there. You can plan a diary but not care about what's happening ahead. Or the past either really. And you don't need to be enlightened first, you can do all this stuff anyway. Be spontaneous and follow your heart. I was half way there as have learnt all this already but he has made me practice and trust it totally now as I can see the difference. I rarely plan here before I write and some of the ones I've liked the most were when I came blank. If the mind starts worrying about tomorrow, I just see 'that's the mind worrying' and carry on rather than acting on it. It'll soon get fed up and stop doing it. I just saw the spellcheck underlined 'learnt' there. No system is perfect clearly. I've never seen a good word underlined before so caught it out. Anyway, my mind is still wondering about tomorrow as there's a huge space, but of course they always get filled somehow. And you can't avoid wondering if any of the other starts will ever finish. Until we're enlightened, that is.