Sense of humour tested

The comment thrown at comedians more than anything else is 'make me laugh'. The fact half of them don't actually write their own material instantly eliminates a proportion, and the rest vary whether they have formulas, groups to help or genuinely can do it. I think that group is the rarest and when I come here I'd often like to be funny, especially when sod all has happened to report, but it comes when there's a reason and pretty difficult otherwise.

The week ahead is already becoming booked, a visitor on Wednesday (dubious), photos tomorrow and one booking late on Thursday, so far. The photos are the best part, although local and variations on many houses I've found already. And there are only so many similar paths and straight roads to take before all the new ones look like others I've got before. This happens from time to time but always found something else to get. As for funny once I leave the realm of lavatories (stopped at about 16 and revived when I went on holiday and all the kids expected to be entertained) the rest really depends on subjects and circumstances. There are only so many ways to present periods, farts and incontinence and had all been done in ancient Greece let alone before I was born. Even the stories about my grandma (usually toilet related as well) died with her last June, although also variations around the same theme for many years. Detailed descriptions of bodily functions, commands to both control and describe your own in detail and other attempts to describe and control the world around her.

So I'm not sure where the humour in my life is at the moment. It does come and go randomly in all our lives, TV has gone right off in that respect and the few people who made me laugh on the internet seem to have vanished for some time as well. I still do my best, spread myself around (it's almost free for goodness sake so may as well) and the internet has not made me famous yet. It may however get me a little recognition after the IPCC have all stood trial for war crimes (against the whole of humanity) and I never wavered in my investigation for one second. If someone is telling a lie, although they have to slip in bits of truth (see the bible for description), the actual whole scenario is inaccurate. So tell people a glacier is melting (as they can see it) and extend that to the other 99.999% you aren't looking at as if it applies to all of them. But despite selected items always used as an apparent anchor to reality, circumstantial evidence means correlation never means causation. If there even is any.

So it's bedtime already, the faster I sleep the sooner I can go out and take the photos, and the framework for the week can always be added to when I get there each day. Something more could happen but no idea what and where from. But even if there's sod all you'll still hear about it. Telling the story afterwards is often more interesting than the events themselves. That is where I clearly take after my grandma. Except about my own bodily functions.

Your inner child

OK, how deep do I have to dig to find it? Mine was revived by my friends' younger brothers who wanted me to keep them entertained with rude words. By the end of day one I was back laughing at them myself and that never left me after that.
The inner child can be accessed directly via the toilet. Not funny, you say? How hard do I have to work to get a squeak or titter from what made me laugh at primary school?
Wiping my nose on my sleeve? Dog's business? Horse apples? This was a competition we had when going to or from parties to see who could make me laugh first. And I was about 20 at the time. Sound and word, the rude word and the rude noise. Drop one, pass wind, blow off, all the same thing but so many ways to say it, depending if child, parent or rugby player. Have you done a windy? was the favourite in my household, and still one of my favourites. Made a smell is also a classic, polite but directly descriptive. All this flows like sewage from my fingertips.

Having just had another birthday the quantity and quality of poo-related cards shows my fascination must be universal. William Henry Smith's emporium has the best selection of faeces themed cards I've ever come across, and have been known to stand there reading the cards just for a laugh. One favourite is the fish with bubbles coming from it's arse and his wife saying 'come on, we all know it was you'. And though fish do fart I just read it's normally contained in bubbles in the poo so we rarely see it happen in tanks. I don't think I can think of anyone better than Ben Elton at his peak for turd and fart jokes, I used to memorise many routines to give myself a laugh at any time. 'The turd was so high there was snow on the top', for instance, relating to the inverse dog size-turd size equation, combined with the new shoes-poo homing device formula. Maths can be fun when the right examples are chosen.

Bogies, skid marks, wet farts, anal tags, nature made them and I remind people of them at every possible opportunity. You can't pretend they aren't there, under every expensive pair of underwear lie the same hidden treasure. Sooner or later. If the queen in her annual speech started talking about how embarrassed she was when she let one rip with Tony Blair, or how she's so lucky she didn't have piles like her late mother. And how she can't stop Andrew picking his nose at 47. He may have fought for his country but can't keep his finger out of his nostrils. And the news- can you picture Trevor MacDonald saying I'm finding it hard to concentrate, I've got a huge erection? Natasha Kaplinsky admitting to stress incontinence after a stray sneeze? Believe me, they all do it but do they share it with us? No, but they would be loved if they did. The weather- it may be cold out there but it's hot in my underpants.
This may be exclusively British and male humour, I'm not sure what they think about droppings and dung in Germany or Russia but being in touch with the whole world it is my duty to spread that theme as far and wide as possible. You know it makes wind. Case closed.