Welcome to all on Facebook, and now bloody well read this!

Well thanks to someone else's profile I've finally got an app to publish my blog entries to Facebook so I'd better write something. And I always think before swearing online, and usually think 'Fuck it, why not?'...
Anyway, today is the sort of day only grandmas and aspergics bother to report, more so with enthusiasm. I'll stop short of the lavatory visits (my grandma didn't, 'it was only wind', 'I didn't get there in time and soaked myself' etc) so you can see the roots of my malady, but the rest isn't that much better.

Although I like money by this time of life the time is worth as much to me, so when my booking was cancelled although there was no alternative, and too late to go anywhere, I was free. The jobs to do list had grown and first sent my annual certificate renewal form off, then picked up my real film photos from the chemist (you don't buy all those lenses and then buy another digital to waste them) and chose the next lot of photos to print. I nearly ordered them as well but the company who've done it for 4 years didn't recognise my email address. Sweary time? Just pick your favourite one to go here. Then I did my second ever song in harmony, I can't sing but I can hold a tune and play along with it. It's good to get so many jobs out of the way but besides them coming back sooner or later to be done again it's not very exciting.
I don't think the details matter as long as people are happy whatever they're doing, and although some carry on running around till they die others like me have been to enough places already and quite content to sit around at home like a cat. But the comparisons people make from the outside seeing so many people online reporting the concerts, restaurants and holidays you'd think anyone who doesn't do that any more is a wanker. But it's no different from what you choose to eat- you can get fed up with anything if you eat too much of it and it's the same with other things.

As I've said for ages, in my case it's all down to people and always has done. As long as I have my freedom it's who I'm with that really matters, and then where I am. The only comparison anyone can make with me is whether or not they're happy with who they're with or not. It's hardly a competition as if I liked going out more I could still do it on my own, and often have. No one else will be able to share the memory with me but that's life. So when people see the routine of my week it's not such a bad thing except the lack of others to share it with.

On other news I've had precious little response to my low carbon society observations, and can only conclude people are happy to see their ready cash reduce while their opportunities to have said holidays and days out become harder and harder. This shit affects every single one of us. When you've had to give your car up because it costs too much to run don't complain then, it's too late. Complain now while you still have something left to lose.
I do always hope for more, and one very long shot would be for someone to use my work from seeing it online. I've had photos and paintings used, why not writing? Like art you don't need qualifications to be a writer, just talent, but unlike painting having qualifications as well means you can talk about certain subjects professionally, so I have something to offer. Many years of writing to order means I can more or less turn out something on request if it's within my area as there is a formula. I do send things off from time to time but to be honest the only place that didn't turn me down or ignore me is one I can't think of anything to write for, as it depends on some sort of original supernatural experience, which I haven't had for ages.

There's a divergent flow diagram that means if you look ahead the likeliest outcomes are near the centre like they have been already. Any diversion, whether up or down, is less likely but possible. You can't make these things happen. You can easily destroy things and drop down of course, like you can break a cup but can't stick it together afterwards. But no amount of effort will get you above that line, it just happens. Nothing in my 50 years tells me otherwise, and if you can show me a way then you'll be my master. I'm not holding my breath as I think everyone will realise the same as me. That's why people meditate, although we control how much we do even then we have no say in the results. The Christians hand that over to god, and say I will push and god will create. That's how it's always been and I'm not busting a blood vessel trying to beat that system.

Friday report

I'm pleased to see the blog community has become active again, the period of posts from 2003 and 4 being displayed as most recent seem over and whatever the reason it all seems to have woken up at last.
For the new readers I ran out of my own philosophy months ago when I'd completed the circle and found there was little or nothing new to discover. All I learned was we should aim for pleasure but have no direct way of achieving it. Sad but true. Since then all I can report are my own experiences towards or away from said pleasure and also appeared to have run out of toilet related stories as you can only rearrange the essential topics in a few ways before you've done it all. Including someone wiping it on the wall in 1964.

So, since last visit I have just been given half the schedule for my easily biggest TV appearance. It's only the first week but implies I am on WETV (US cable) on Jan 19th at 8.30 EST. Alien Abduction (Ayumi episode) for anyone who can get it. All on their website www.wetv.com .
with more detail next month. Unlike my last UK filming which has been put on ice and now even the producer has gone incommunicado although the series is made and on DVD for participants already. I think there must be legal problems as little else can halt plans like that.
I am also carving out a small social life for the next couple of weeks, one certain and the next movable but probable around that time. More on that after any possible event. Work is dribbling back which is useful and when the light is OK I'm still doing the videos. I was up too late today for it but have another planned when I can. Maybe even tomorrow.

What else? A music CD from America that'll probably take weeks, a new sweatshirt I don't need which arrived today (rally type stuff, very hard to find and usually expensive), and after a couple of months my favourite woman has been back in the gym, and two days running! I doubt she has or will ever know what I think but besides the father of her child being a barrier, I would like her to know regardless. Some women can tell but not many. I have dropped hints and pointed her to my websites but with the new baby now has no time for much else. Not planned and not married by the way. She's happy but he's pretty stunned by the whole thing, which I wouldn't had it happened to me. Far from it. Makes my day anyway when I see her if nothing else.
Meanwhile I await inspiration and am off to bed.

Celebrity rectums

Error on page, using HTML. Never mind, at least I'm used to it. Well some time and wind have passed, my routine has continued more or less, photos most days although not today, I was about to despite the rain but my front tyre packed up and ended up with two as the wheels were crooked and wore them out. At least they did it in record time and with discount. I got some nice ones yesterday though, including a typical British station, without a train.
Since the laptop was reset I couldn't get the firewall open and the new one banned a quiz from entering the scores today, I think a trojan horse would do less damage than the programs designed to protect them. And there was no crap on the machine a month after running it with no protection at all. A moral there.

I think it could have been 3 months since anyone commented here but I do know 10 people a day come in on average so someone must like my description of a repetitive life with reactionary opinions and toilet words thrown in. I'd like to hear or read news that mentioned farts, mucus, enemas, suppositories, vaginal douches and skid marks I'd buy a paper every day. I suspect a few others would as well. Meanwhile I am still waiting to see my 3rd TV showing as the delays are stacking up and the latest is it's going on the internet probably next month but with free access which I call a monumental compromise. Better than a kick in the arse and that's as far as it goes.
This week only has a little work booked in, the rest who knows. I may go and buy a second pair of glasses as my only spares are for distance and if I knacker these I won't be able to read without using my old ones instead. The cost is the issue as I was told the discount place is unlikely to make them as they are so complex. I'll take the camera if I go but won't take the optician's. And I've taken more photos round there than anywhere, although one I took on Friday got the first Flickr award in over 2000 entries. It was a good one which I had decided already.

I'd like to see stories about celebrity clitorises, incontinence, nose picking and other more interesting items than who they're shagging and how rude they are to the people around them. Not Helen Mirren's Russian family but the fact she struggled with stress incontinence throughout portraying the queen. How Dame Judi Dench is determined to get the word 'smegma' into her latest role. Masturbation secrets of the greats. That's another fascinating one. Nasal secrets of the stars. Do they lick, roll, flick or wipe it under the chair. If they have to keep going on about many people with less talent than anyone with 5 O levels (it girls, models, Paris Hilton etc) at least tell us stuff about them we may find interesting. I think there may be an untapped source of wealth for anyone with the right connections. And they could always make a film of it. It wouldn't get an Oscar but would probably make more than the ones that did. Just a theory.

Bollocks, winkles and a horse's hangdown

It's got a bit dull round here, I may avoid trouble a bit more recently but also avoid fun. Or it avoids me. I was just reading about the judgemental attitude of the new agers, unlike therapists, who blame cancer on the victim. Crap. I suppose there is always order in coincidences, I've said a few new quiz answers would be heard recently and after a few were learnt at least 3 were then heard on the radio or TV as expected, and these questions were years old and randomly selected.

So one more week till my TV series starts, although there are 7 short episodes so I may need to wait and if each is only available for a week sod all people will see it. What a record. Like the first person to shit their pants on TV. Not a clever thing to be known for, the first ever TV programme not made for scheduled TV. I'm confused and I'm in it! I have been roughly told by the boss where it is and I am uncertain, heaven knows what the people who can watch it would do. They have hidden a TV programme under such a pile of hoops to jump through, links and buttons I doubt the series will reach double figures. If that forces them to show it on Sky all the better but I will soon find out.
But it's boring. I've had the time to do some housework and it rained so no gardening, but still took loads of photos the couple of trips I made this week. 6 on TV now on BBC interactive, and I just sent one of my friend's old house which would be pretty amazing to get on TV. Despite 4 1/2 years at the gym and 60 kilo bench pressing my chest is stuck at the same size. Arms big, shoulders reasonable, legs able to shift the whole stack of weights but the chest remains the same. I have at least 4 of a 6 pack, I think the rest is hiding behind the inch or two of fat remaining, but when you look at the big guys of all heights I am not like that.

If I have to make my own entertainment it's similar to here, except it's real and even if I wanted to I couldn't make it up. Nothing here is made up, what's the point? So rather than be boring I use nursery words. Always have. Manure, piles, turds, droppings, suppository, rectum, always reliable as a last resort, I hope. Now if I really have any mental illness it's only stress related and half would go instantly if I moved in with a family. Currently any problem is mine. Mine alone. If I don't fix it and need someone else to I have to wait and often pay as well. Crap. And nothing in my power to change. That's the worst thing, when you are totally reliant on others. My friend in America couldn't afford the trip here this summer so is now due in 2 more years. And then probably 40 miles away. Typical example. And the things I can influence are so trivial they are just survival, no more than that. So I go online and talk about farts and guano as there's nothing better to do. And if I even entertain one person with it it's worth it. I made someone laugh with a Uranus last week, so it is still possible.

While I'm at it, if anyone remember the Wombles, can you imagine my version of it? Bungo brings in a used condom and the French chef asks if he wants her to cook it. Great Uncle Bulgaria keeps them all in until they admit who farted. And could you imagine Bernard Cribbins saying "'Well if you don't like it they can fuck off' said Wellington". Classic. And they'd all make use of the toilet, announcing they need to look around before they run out of paper, and Orinoco saying 'you don't want to go in there for 10 minutes'. I suppose you could call it 'Carry On Wombling', except they never actually swore in that series of films. That would make a bloody good series actually. And that, I'm sorry to say, is how my mind works. Not a penny in it for me.

Your inner child

OK, how deep do I have to dig to find it? Mine was revived by my friends' younger brothers who wanted me to keep them entertained with rude words. By the end of day one I was back laughing at them myself and that never left me after that.
The inner child can be accessed directly via the toilet. Not funny, you say? How hard do I have to work to get a squeak or titter from what made me laugh at primary school?
Wiping my nose on my sleeve? Dog's business? Horse apples? This was a competition we had when going to or from parties to see who could make me laugh first. And I was about 20 at the time. Sound and word, the rude word and the rude noise. Drop one, pass wind, blow off, all the same thing but so many ways to say it, depending if child, parent or rugby player. Have you done a windy? was the favourite in my household, and still one of my favourites. Made a smell is also a classic, polite but directly descriptive. All this flows like sewage from my fingertips.

Having just had another birthday the quantity and quality of poo-related cards shows my fascination must be universal. William Henry Smith's emporium has the best selection of faeces themed cards I've ever come across, and have been known to stand there reading the cards just for a laugh. One favourite is the fish with bubbles coming from it's arse and his wife saying 'come on, we all know it was you'. And though fish do fart I just read it's normally contained in bubbles in the poo so we rarely see it happen in tanks. I don't think I can think of anyone better than Ben Elton at his peak for turd and fart jokes, I used to memorise many routines to give myself a laugh at any time. 'The turd was so high there was snow on the top', for instance, relating to the inverse dog size-turd size equation, combined with the new shoes-poo homing device formula. Maths can be fun when the right examples are chosen.

Bogies, skid marks, wet farts, anal tags, nature made them and I remind people of them at every possible opportunity. You can't pretend they aren't there, under every expensive pair of underwear lie the same hidden treasure. Sooner or later. If the queen in her annual speech started talking about how embarrassed she was when she let one rip with Tony Blair, or how she's so lucky she didn't have piles like her late mother. And how she can't stop Andrew picking his nose at 47. He may have fought for his country but can't keep his finger out of his nostrils. And the news- can you picture Trevor MacDonald saying I'm finding it hard to concentrate, I've got a huge erection? Natasha Kaplinsky admitting to stress incontinence after a stray sneeze? Believe me, they all do it but do they share it with us? No, but they would be loved if they did. The weather- it may be cold out there but it's hot in my underpants.
This may be exclusively British and male humour, I'm not sure what they think about droppings and dung in Germany or Russia but being in touch with the whole world it is my duty to spread that theme as far and wide as possible. You know it makes wind. Case closed.