Have I got anywhere?

Being on a hamster wheel means you do a lot but get nowhere. OK, I have helped a couple of others this week which counted for them, but my own activities just provided more photos of new bus routes and stations. I may well advertise for a woman again, having realised I can specify where I want to go out as well as who I want. You get replies from people who are interested anyway, not who you want. Just say nothing about them as people from around the world will reply regardless as well as all ages and other variations. You just eliminate all the dross first time round and then deal with what's left. Internet ads don't work for men, and newspaper ones vary depending where you advertise, but can produce a flood of calls. None got me anyone but spend days on the phone saying the same things to each person, met one I liked first, saw her again, got dumped and as the others weren't as nice let them go.

I will mention I'm not reading as many blogs as I used to for one main reason, as soon as I link one sooner or later it's taken offline. Where does it all go? If I stopped blogging (when I die) I'd never delete all my work. What a total waste. So people I've got to know and interested in just vanish and are gone as if they were in a dream. It takes time to replace with equal standard so am getting fed up with the effort involved. I will also admit (like I hide it) I'd be the happiest person around if a newspaper printed something from here, as many do randomly. Fame is in my DNA and don't give a damn how I get it. It's the benefits I want and the route is irrelevant. Unlike Paris Hilton I did learn piano for 10 years, had guitar lessons, a few years drama classes and used to write and put on plays at school. All that slowed down during my studies but the impulse never left. So now I have the time but not the union card I can't do it the normal way so need UFOs, blogs or anything else I can squeak into the business with as I'm not able to go for auditions like the pros.

I have worked my way through more little jobs including a couple of work bookings for the first time in over a month. More next week and some have proved less straightforward than expected. Crooks, liars, cheats and useless sods all make life busier than it needs to be but will always be part of it. The buttheads that let me sell my postcards in their cafe and then let them all be pinched (including the box) meant I was paid in full even though they didn't get it. Their fault, my profit. But I'd never put them there again. I'd rather have waited and got the money properly and then done some more but it had to be complicated.
Needless to say every business and pleasure message sent has been blanket ignored, like written in invisible ink. The reaction of women to my emails is presumably either total ignorance of who I am or far worse complete disgust. I was a pain when I was a teenager but got it out of my system. I was tactless, crude and not much of a gentleman. The ones who understood me got my good side and never minded when I showed the other, but many kept well away and fair enough. But I know none of the people back then are likely to be the same as they were as we've all grown up, except the one who everyone I know is currently avoiding although I always enjoyed his total lunacy. He's actually a very nice guy but has no boundaries. A bit like looking in a magnifying mirror...

Well hope is a word only in a dictionary as far as I'm concerned. Gone for me. No reason for anything to improve, the TV programme is invested in so is in their interest not mine to fix up, but otherwise I've planted dates in the arctic. I will continue to collect pictures of public transport, houses, signposts and other local minutiae, and keep looking up old girlfriends until it's in the obituary notices. Two down that road already so no doubt more will follow, plus one of my best friends till he left for boarding school. The aliens continue to send the world's channelers messages and keep me entertained but besides scientific and historical data they refuse to show themselves in person. Better than smoking or taking drugs though. Only our minds get screwed with.

Nostalgia and memories

Driving myself mad here I think. Luckily most of the stress is currently less than before, but stress nonetheless. The earache comes and goes but whenever it seems to be improving doesn't last. That makes me tired, stops me doing things etc etc. I still do things but the bare minimum.

So this week I missed taking my albums anywhere else, but did get my 4th free voucher cashed at Staples as I said. I took photos in Finchley and Golders Green, had a couple of friends over and just did another youtube video which was a bit better than some of the others. I found a car wash after all others vanished and for the 3rd time yesterday found it wasn't working again. Nowhere else or do it myself. That's this week in a nutshell, plus I just emailed an old friend's sister mainly as I'm so bored anyone I knew back in my life would be an improvement. As he escaped my attention in 1991 I'll be surprised if he comes back now but that's one use of the internet.

I have no plans besides a fucking haircut (my grandma's on the warpath as usual) and a few trips with my album, though I have one order but not paid yet. The second didn't reply to my email and wonder now if he got it as it was an office address and the cleaner probably deleted it. At least I haven't gone up the reporting food route many do, partly as I make such crap I'd rather not dwell on it. Heinz macaroni cheese for dinner yesterday, as I hadn't been shopping for a while. It pissed down today and while intending to tidy my desk and papers ended up stuck to the computer all afternoon before I went to my mum. I don't even remember what I was doing, I had nothing to specifically do but besides catch up with someone on messenger just discovered I'd been in front of the screen for 3 hours without a thing to show for it.

I suppose currently having no plans means no crap seen either, a bit of possible freedom. Not a clue how to fill it as usual but if my energy picks up I have a few to start off. Work has dried up again but with the longer days has let me wander around and now am doing a visual survey of Golders Green. Why? I have nothing better to do. Having lived and worked next to it for 28 years and worked there a lot longer afterwards it's my second home, a few miles east and where I intend to return should the money ever be available. I now drive every road in case I missed anything and have a photo of each one better than neutral. Every area has surprises as who goes up every road besides a postman and a bored photographer? I also have a list of roads there I wouldn't mind living in so if the chance arises won't have to do all the legwork in a hurry and miss anywhere. The roads by the North Circular have more space between the houses, and are more suburban so are winning the race despite the grotty ones by Hamilton Road being cheaper, but more like Cricklewood over the A41.
The tragic thing is after living there 28 years I now only know my mum and my friend's parents in the general area. Not one person I knew remains, one is a friend I see very rarely (search me why) who lives a way north now, and I can't think of one other. So besides seeing my mum (and optician annually) there's no link left. Last time I mentioned the Oxfam shop being the last people I knew in Finchley Road shops, and this covers the whole area socially as well. Besides an ex girlfriend now married I used to see in Starbucks though only by accident. Her arsehole husband wouldn't like her calling me despite choosing him over me at the time, not that I proposed as she had the same personality as a cat, which has improved greatly since those days but no use to my love life.

I'll be interested to see if the latest old friend replies and whether he moved abroad as expected. Ideally I'd like a friend round Golders Green to give me a chance to return for a reason, actually my friend's girlfriend moved there last year (almost same story as last) and I finally got invited last month. But it won't be a regular event, he wouldn't allow it on my own. So that hardly counts. Maybe if I pretended to be religious and joined one of the many small synagogues there I'd make new friends but getting up early every Saturday to sit through the service is too high a price to pay. My old neighbour who rarely bothered with me moved there when he got divorced and I bumped into him in the park but he didn't want to keep in touch and was the other side of potty anyway. He was a millionaire from his family (though the ex had taken a large share since), had a large extremely rich family and hated them all. He was missing his wife and child, who like many more took the kid abroad where she came from. A disaster waiting to happen and all these internet marriages cross-continent have the seeds of doom within. I can't even get someone anywhere, and even Edgware seems a bit of a shlep nowadays on a bad day. I had one girlfriend once purely as she lived so close and that wasn't a good reason either. I think I would consider the move to Hampshire now should that opportunity arise, but the radio counsellor just told someone else never to wait for an ex to split with their current partner as it's like waiting for someone to die to succeed. Is that what I've stooped to? As I don't think about it probably not but there's no guarantee she'd want me if she split up anyway. Well, that's another slice of life history and speculation as now offers little material on its own.