Boredom is a killer really. Living alone lends itself perfectly. No TV, too early to go to bed and nothing left on the internet. And when the highlights of the week include taking photos of the North Circular at Brent Cross life has really reached the bottom of the barrel. No, there's nothing better to do that I've missed. Friends are thin on the ground, work is the same, and the only places I've gone to are ones where I can take photos. So many times besides my new 48 second pixilated video project the still photos are starting to repeat themselves. And although I can walk through Golders Green it's not the same as I don't really know anyone there any more. NW11 was one of the most fertile areas of social life till this decade when one by one everyone I knew left.
So like the Twilight Zone where you are in the same place but with different people, I pass through Golders Green now like the spirit of a dead person visiting their old haunts on Earth while no one can see them. It looks the same but nothing is happening and you can't interact. Even the two pubs I occasionally went to there are gone, one (a bit rough admittedly) now a clothes shop, and the other (started charging to park there) knocked down 5 years ago. That was actually so decent you could easily spend an evening there and was the only pub I knew besides the awful Spaniards with mainly Jewish customers. They had the civilised ones while the Spaniards the rude ones with money. There was also another in between type opposite in Hendon which is now flats as well.
So my social life and ability to find anywhere to go with it has been reduced to the garden centre over a mile away as unless you walk through the park no road goes there and the entrance instead of being round the corner is on said road over a mile away despite backing on to my estate opposite here. I'm bored with them anyway now. A garden centre, however good the coffee, cannot replace a huge pub with fruit machines and old friends in Golders Green. OK, said people are approaching 50 now and paying for their kids to go to university, while I try and turn the clock back to when I was actually a part of their lives as well. I can't see a solution direct or otherwise. Others suggest returning to places I used up in my teens, organisations which allow you to learn skills a few hours a week and meet women who spend every possible moment talking about their children and grandchildren. None are single at these places as they are never designed for them. Colleges are no better except you meet young marrieds and drug addicts who are equally hopeless if you want to meet new friends or get off with someone. I met all my friends at school, on holiday and through my parents. I did meet a few at discos after some years of seeing the same people but that was 30 years ago.
No solution, freedom is wonderful when you can use it, when you use it to tell people on the internet how useless it has become you are ready to give up all hope. For a while I looked for advice but it's pure chance how life turns in these situations. It only takes one person to change it all, as when one left my life turned into nothing, I then met a woman who kept me busy a couple more months and that was that. From then on it was doing my own thing, making films of the places I now take still photos of, staying in during winter painting so I can put them on the wall, writing articles, watching TV and that's the lot. If this guy in America really can show people how to bend metal then the world will no longer be as I think it is, and may become an interesting place again. Until then I blog.
Showing posts with label golders green. Show all posts
Showing posts with label golders green. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
Saturday, June 09, 2007
I should be in bed...
But before that I had to come in here.
It was a busy week, bits of work and 2 photo trips round London NW11, the lost centre of my universe. Wherever I lived I seem to return to the previous ones. Now I returned to the first one which is fine in itself but definitely not NW11, where I've never lived but was on the border and had my friend there for 30 years. I worked there, went to school there and even had a dentist there. It was the centre of my life literally from birth as I've lived all round it and visited it from a very early age with memories of all the changes. I took a photo of one this week as a shop removed its sign and under it was a perfect VG Foodstore one from the 70s. I took a photo of it and will probably only be seen until they have the new one made.
I have no plans left except my laptop has now been repaired and I won't miss the internet at weekends now. At least I appear to have something to look forward to again, as my TV appearance is in about a month at last. I thought it was a lost cause and although depressed over it had to manage in the belief my last hope had gone in the future, and (until it's shown) now it seems to be redeemed.
One thing I read and was also more or less told in a recent message intuition is higher than teaching. I know so many things without being able to prove it to anyone else, and now realise that it doesn't need to be, this information is for my own use, and if other people choose to accept it it's up to them. I will now carry on not worrying that I won't be able to explain to others how I knew Heather Mills was an awful bitch (which was confirmed in many newspaper articles) or how I can spot a crook in seconds. It's like when I come across a situation I know something specific about it already, like any 'dumb animal's' instinct. We haven't got nearly as much, so who's really dumb? Now I'll trust it as the book said until we know something ourselves just being able to learn it from others is very basic.
My screen name, satguru, refers to this, that we know everything already, and just need to discover it. We can all tune in to our intuition and not worry about the fact we haven't got any legal type evidence for it, we're rarely wrong. That is our higher nature at work.
It was a busy week, bits of work and 2 photo trips round London NW11, the lost centre of my universe. Wherever I lived I seem to return to the previous ones. Now I returned to the first one which is fine in itself but definitely not NW11, where I've never lived but was on the border and had my friend there for 30 years. I worked there, went to school there and even had a dentist there. It was the centre of my life literally from birth as I've lived all round it and visited it from a very early age with memories of all the changes. I took a photo of one this week as a shop removed its sign and under it was a perfect VG Foodstore one from the 70s. I took a photo of it and will probably only be seen until they have the new one made.
I have no plans left except my laptop has now been repaired and I won't miss the internet at weekends now. At least I appear to have something to look forward to again, as my TV appearance is in about a month at last. I thought it was a lost cause and although depressed over it had to manage in the belief my last hope had gone in the future, and (until it's shown) now it seems to be redeemed.
One thing I read and was also more or less told in a recent message intuition is higher than teaching. I know so many things without being able to prove it to anyone else, and now realise that it doesn't need to be, this information is for my own use, and if other people choose to accept it it's up to them. I will now carry on not worrying that I won't be able to explain to others how I knew Heather Mills was an awful bitch (which was confirmed in many newspaper articles) or how I can spot a crook in seconds. It's like when I come across a situation I know something specific about it already, like any 'dumb animal's' instinct. We haven't got nearly as much, so who's really dumb? Now I'll trust it as the book said until we know something ourselves just being able to learn it from others is very basic.
My screen name, satguru, refers to this, that we know everything already, and just need to discover it. We can all tune in to our intuition and not worry about the fact we haven't got any legal type evidence for it, we're rarely wrong. That is our higher nature at work.
Friday, June 01, 2007
Real life
Strangely, regardless of other circumstances, real life seems to have returned this week. At the prayers after the funeral of our oldest friend's father I saw my past. The family were the centre of my social life from birth, and most of the people I knew were somehow connected with them. So despite London as it is having few if any communities I found myself back in the only one I had outside Devon, which was my summer community till 1989.
However long it had been since I saw anyone, a few years back to about 25, they were all part of my life and vice versa, and shared many memories going back as long as we could remember. So despite a large gap that continuity at least will carry on.
Yesterday I also met a neighbour from 4 doors away, except he left in 1955 and returned for a few days from Australia after 40 years away, and turned out we had a lot in common as well as our roots- I lived in the road opposite until I was 5 from 1960-1965. And he has revived some of my faith in the supernatural, with some reports showing he is clearly at one of the highest developed levels. I mix in those circles and rarely meet anyone like that, including the pros- they are in the main just good at talking and selling and I'm as psychic as many of them. The really good ones tend to be working quietly and rarely get any media attention. Peter Walker was one, and Geoff Boltwood who actively avoids publicity (sorry Geoff!) is another. Uri Geller has the personality but also the ability to probably imitate all the tricks he claims to do, and even he admits they may not be genuine at times. It's very simple to me, I either witness it for myself or don't believe, like anything else.
Big Brother (sister?) is now on, and as would happen I had to record the opening night as I was at the prayers, and heard the lot on the radio in the car home before I saw the tape. All women? I think they are beginning to realise what I already knew, same sex groups become very dull after a short time and however much many claim to dislike men few will not be missing them by now. It's not natural. I spent 3 years at a boy's school and my parents really should have known better than send me there. Just because half of them ended up at Oxford or Cambridge isn't the only point. I bet there are enough with mental problems as well, although I can't prove it. Will Self was one who did the usual route, school, Cambridge and media success, although from all my 7 or so schools I kept up less with the people there than any others, mainly as apart from a few I didn't get on with them. And the few on friends reunited didn't reply besides one I was never friendly with who invited me to America. How people can change. OK, I did correspond with a few but nothing compared to the other places.
Besides a dodgy appointment on Tuesday I have cleared the diary for this week, and unless a disaster falls will now finally be on TV again (3rd speaking role) next month. With the biggest audience so far. That is so important as the media career is the one thing that has improved in recent years, with my health, love and social life almost disappearing. I have a couple of extra TV ideas, and have saved up a summary of a walking tour of North London I want to try and get off the ground. With agoraphobic tendencies making a programme that gets me to walk around familiar roads is also very good therapy. Chronic fatigue was the real killer though and that's nothing to do with phobias, just stops you doing very much. On the mend now but I really have to limit my activities so far to one at a time. It does mean a lot more housework gets done though which is pretty useful.
I am now off to see what photographic gems I can see in NW11 on the way out, someone just posted a few classics in my local photo group which I had missed so it proves it can still be done. If they had to find one I'd put the new centre of London right in the middle of Finchley Road, Temple Fortune. Then you could watch the news on CNN in America and see them say 'And here's the news from Finchley Road'. We'd be on the map at last! It's the centre of my London already though.
However long it had been since I saw anyone, a few years back to about 25, they were all part of my life and vice versa, and shared many memories going back as long as we could remember. So despite a large gap that continuity at least will carry on.
Yesterday I also met a neighbour from 4 doors away, except he left in 1955 and returned for a few days from Australia after 40 years away, and turned out we had a lot in common as well as our roots- I lived in the road opposite until I was 5 from 1960-1965. And he has revived some of my faith in the supernatural, with some reports showing he is clearly at one of the highest developed levels. I mix in those circles and rarely meet anyone like that, including the pros- they are in the main just good at talking and selling and I'm as psychic as many of them. The really good ones tend to be working quietly and rarely get any media attention. Peter Walker was one, and Geoff Boltwood who actively avoids publicity (sorry Geoff!) is another. Uri Geller has the personality but also the ability to probably imitate all the tricks he claims to do, and even he admits they may not be genuine at times. It's very simple to me, I either witness it for myself or don't believe, like anything else.
Big Brother (sister?) is now on, and as would happen I had to record the opening night as I was at the prayers, and heard the lot on the radio in the car home before I saw the tape. All women? I think they are beginning to realise what I already knew, same sex groups become very dull after a short time and however much many claim to dislike men few will not be missing them by now. It's not natural. I spent 3 years at a boy's school and my parents really should have known better than send me there. Just because half of them ended up at Oxford or Cambridge isn't the only point. I bet there are enough with mental problems as well, although I can't prove it. Will Self was one who did the usual route, school, Cambridge and media success, although from all my 7 or so schools I kept up less with the people there than any others, mainly as apart from a few I didn't get on with them. And the few on friends reunited didn't reply besides one I was never friendly with who invited me to America. How people can change. OK, I did correspond with a few but nothing compared to the other places.
Besides a dodgy appointment on Tuesday I have cleared the diary for this week, and unless a disaster falls will now finally be on TV again (3rd speaking role) next month. With the biggest audience so far. That is so important as the media career is the one thing that has improved in recent years, with my health, love and social life almost disappearing. I have a couple of extra TV ideas, and have saved up a summary of a walking tour of North London I want to try and get off the ground. With agoraphobic tendencies making a programme that gets me to walk around familiar roads is also very good therapy. Chronic fatigue was the real killer though and that's nothing to do with phobias, just stops you doing very much. On the mend now but I really have to limit my activities so far to one at a time. It does mean a lot more housework gets done though which is pretty useful.
I am now off to see what photographic gems I can see in NW11 on the way out, someone just posted a few classics in my local photo group which I had missed so it proves it can still be done. If they had to find one I'd put the new centre of London right in the middle of Finchley Road, Temple Fortune. Then you could watch the news on CNN in America and see them say 'And here's the news from Finchley Road'. We'd be on the map at last! It's the centre of my London already though.
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Nostalgia and memories
Driving myself mad here I think. Luckily most of the stress is currently less than before, but stress nonetheless. The earache comes and goes but whenever it seems to be improving doesn't last. That makes me tired, stops me doing things etc etc. I still do things but the bare minimum.
So this week I missed taking my albums anywhere else, but did get my 4th free voucher cashed at Staples as I said. I took photos in Finchley and Golders Green, had a couple of friends over and just did another youtube video which was a bit better than some of the others. I found a car wash after all others vanished and for the 3rd time yesterday found it wasn't working again. Nowhere else or do it myself. That's this week in a nutshell, plus I just emailed an old friend's sister mainly as I'm so bored anyone I knew back in my life would be an improvement. As he escaped my attention in 1991 I'll be surprised if he comes back now but that's one use of the internet.
I have no plans besides a fucking haircut (my grandma's on the warpath as usual) and a few trips with my album, though I have one order but not paid yet. The second didn't reply to my email and wonder now if he got it as it was an office address and the cleaner probably deleted it. At least I haven't gone up the reporting food route many do, partly as I make such crap I'd rather not dwell on it. Heinz macaroni cheese for dinner yesterday, as I hadn't been shopping for a while. It pissed down today and while intending to tidy my desk and papers ended up stuck to the computer all afternoon before I went to my mum. I don't even remember what I was doing, I had nothing to specifically do but besides catch up with someone on messenger just discovered I'd been in front of the screen for 3 hours without a thing to show for it.
I suppose currently having no plans means no crap seen either, a bit of possible freedom. Not a clue how to fill it as usual but if my energy picks up I have a few to start off. Work has dried up again but with the longer days has let me wander around and now am doing a visual survey of Golders Green. Why? I have nothing better to do. Having lived and worked next to it for 28 years and worked there a lot longer afterwards it's my second home, a few miles east and where I intend to return should the money ever be available. I now drive every road in case I missed anything and have a photo of each one better than neutral. Every area has surprises as who goes up every road besides a postman and a bored photographer? I also have a list of roads there I wouldn't mind living in so if the chance arises won't have to do all the legwork in a hurry and miss anywhere. The roads by the North Circular have more space between the houses, and are more suburban so are winning the race despite the grotty ones by Hamilton Road being cheaper, but more like Cricklewood over the A41.
The tragic thing is after living there 28 years I now only know my mum and my friend's parents in the general area. Not one person I knew remains, one is a friend I see very rarely (search me why) who lives a way north now, and I can't think of one other. So besides seeing my mum (and optician annually) there's no link left. Last time I mentioned the Oxfam shop being the last people I knew in Finchley Road shops, and this covers the whole area socially as well. Besides an ex girlfriend now married I used to see in Starbucks though only by accident. Her arsehole husband wouldn't like her calling me despite choosing him over me at the time, not that I proposed as she had the same personality as a cat, which has improved greatly since those days but no use to my love life.
I'll be interested to see if the latest old friend replies and whether he moved abroad as expected. Ideally I'd like a friend round Golders Green to give me a chance to return for a reason, actually my friend's girlfriend moved there last year (almost same story as last) and I finally got invited last month. But it won't be a regular event, he wouldn't allow it on my own. So that hardly counts. Maybe if I pretended to be religious and joined one of the many small synagogues there I'd make new friends but getting up early every Saturday to sit through the service is too high a price to pay. My old neighbour who rarely bothered with me moved there when he got divorced and I bumped into him in the park but he didn't want to keep in touch and was the other side of potty anyway. He was a millionaire from his family (though the ex had taken a large share since), had a large extremely rich family and hated them all. He was missing his wife and child, who like many more took the kid abroad where she came from. A disaster waiting to happen and all these internet marriages cross-continent have the seeds of doom within. I can't even get someone anywhere, and even Edgware seems a bit of a shlep nowadays on a bad day. I had one girlfriend once purely as she lived so close and that wasn't a good reason either. I think I would consider the move to Hampshire now should that opportunity arise, but the radio counsellor just told someone else never to wait for an ex to split with their current partner as it's like waiting for someone to die to succeed. Is that what I've stooped to? As I don't think about it probably not but there's no guarantee she'd want me if she split up anyway. Well, that's another slice of life history and speculation as now offers little material on its own.
So this week I missed taking my albums anywhere else, but did get my 4th free voucher cashed at Staples as I said. I took photos in Finchley and Golders Green, had a couple of friends over and just did another youtube video which was a bit better than some of the others. I found a car wash after all others vanished and for the 3rd time yesterday found it wasn't working again. Nowhere else or do it myself. That's this week in a nutshell, plus I just emailed an old friend's sister mainly as I'm so bored anyone I knew back in my life would be an improvement. As he escaped my attention in 1991 I'll be surprised if he comes back now but that's one use of the internet.
I have no plans besides a fucking haircut (my grandma's on the warpath as usual) and a few trips with my album, though I have one order but not paid yet. The second didn't reply to my email and wonder now if he got it as it was an office address and the cleaner probably deleted it. At least I haven't gone up the reporting food route many do, partly as I make such crap I'd rather not dwell on it. Heinz macaroni cheese for dinner yesterday, as I hadn't been shopping for a while. It pissed down today and while intending to tidy my desk and papers ended up stuck to the computer all afternoon before I went to my mum. I don't even remember what I was doing, I had nothing to specifically do but besides catch up with someone on messenger just discovered I'd been in front of the screen for 3 hours without a thing to show for it.
I suppose currently having no plans means no crap seen either, a bit of possible freedom. Not a clue how to fill it as usual but if my energy picks up I have a few to start off. Work has dried up again but with the longer days has let me wander around and now am doing a visual survey of Golders Green. Why? I have nothing better to do. Having lived and worked next to it for 28 years and worked there a lot longer afterwards it's my second home, a few miles east and where I intend to return should the money ever be available. I now drive every road in case I missed anything and have a photo of each one better than neutral. Every area has surprises as who goes up every road besides a postman and a bored photographer? I also have a list of roads there I wouldn't mind living in so if the chance arises won't have to do all the legwork in a hurry and miss anywhere. The roads by the North Circular have more space between the houses, and are more suburban so are winning the race despite the grotty ones by Hamilton Road being cheaper, but more like Cricklewood over the A41.
The tragic thing is after living there 28 years I now only know my mum and my friend's parents in the general area. Not one person I knew remains, one is a friend I see very rarely (search me why) who lives a way north now, and I can't think of one other. So besides seeing my mum (and optician annually) there's no link left. Last time I mentioned the Oxfam shop being the last people I knew in Finchley Road shops, and this covers the whole area socially as well. Besides an ex girlfriend now married I used to see in Starbucks though only by accident. Her arsehole husband wouldn't like her calling me despite choosing him over me at the time, not that I proposed as she had the same personality as a cat, which has improved greatly since those days but no use to my love life.
I'll be interested to see if the latest old friend replies and whether he moved abroad as expected. Ideally I'd like a friend round Golders Green to give me a chance to return for a reason, actually my friend's girlfriend moved there last year (almost same story as last) and I finally got invited last month. But it won't be a regular event, he wouldn't allow it on my own. So that hardly counts. Maybe if I pretended to be religious and joined one of the many small synagogues there I'd make new friends but getting up early every Saturday to sit through the service is too high a price to pay. My old neighbour who rarely bothered with me moved there when he got divorced and I bumped into him in the park but he didn't want to keep in touch and was the other side of potty anyway. He was a millionaire from his family (though the ex had taken a large share since), had a large extremely rich family and hated them all. He was missing his wife and child, who like many more took the kid abroad where she came from. A disaster waiting to happen and all these internet marriages cross-continent have the seeds of doom within. I can't even get someone anywhere, and even Edgware seems a bit of a shlep nowadays on a bad day. I had one girlfriend once purely as she lived so close and that wasn't a good reason either. I think I would consider the move to Hampshire now should that opportunity arise, but the radio counsellor just told someone else never to wait for an ex to split with their current partner as it's like waiting for someone to die to succeed. Is that what I've stooped to? As I don't think about it probably not but there's no guarantee she'd want me if she split up anyway. Well, that's another slice of life history and speculation as now offers little material on its own.
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