Space, the big picture.

Let's try Firefox- yes, the theory holds. The fonts are arguing with IE.
Anyway, my current phase is filling space. I've been given plenty of it as if I need to learn to do more or get totally bored. Edgar Cayce said you have to make the first move before the world follows earlier today in a book I randomly picked up- they usually answer my questions and shows something is controlling at least the parts that appear to be controlled. I watch the world outside do the same irrelevant things it always has- friends with problems, lunatics becoming elected leaders, celebrities doing stupid things and politicians lying. I can't get anything out of the outside world when all it does is imitate a bad evening on Channel 4. The first step I felt needed taking was to get a more suitable woman than the one who won't. I don't want a woman who won't, whether she wants to marry me or is the most attractive woman in the world. I want a woman who is attractive, does and couldn't care less about marriage until well after we've been at it. More duds and lemons.

If the doctor comes up with new tablets on Tuesday I may stand a chance of improving, the others are OK but only use them when I need to so means the anxiety is totally left alone 95% of the time and does its thing in the background or foreground depending on circumstances. Of course this gap isn't the worst or biggest as besides the doctor visit which is pretty harmless there's nothing else to be tolerated at the moment, and should finally (ie after 50 years) be a published author next week (this week now) after just becoming a published photographer. No commission for a painting though, so many offers come for all sorts of work and then disappear. I'll do it anyway when the weather turns and if anyone wants it it'll be here. So what do I do about this woman and finding more to do in general? 1 is to meditate, inner change is better than any other as then the rest don't matter so much. Then as for women I could join yet another internet site, see a few apparently reasonable women, get a couple to reply and then find either the photo is ancient or they're seriously peculiar, or both. Two years or more showed me the pattern and the time wasted on phone calls and pointless messages isn't worth the small returns (one girlfriend total).

Although many people meet someone at work I never have, and don't work except with clients I can't see socially so that's dead in the water. I nearly asked a secretary out once but got made redundant the same day, and was too preoccupied with leaving than thinking about her. There was another once in a different office I never even met but sounded nice who said I could take her out for a meal, but me and restaurants never quite got on and I was made redundant soon after and moved back to London so missed any chance. Those were the closest times, while any classes I've joined also rarely produced anyone single, let alone interesting/interested. One much older woman did show an interest and more or less invited me over just before I met said internet girlfriend, and I only want one at a time. And I finally gave another long standing candidate a seeing to a day or so before as she was divorced now and back in England for a holiday. Those energy windows just open, let out whatever is there (nothing at the moment, but as a positive material) and then close again. The problems usually go when I realise what the phase is and then it stops, the good stuff seems to be totally random.

My next little task is to collect all the data on global warming trends- temperature, sea and ice levels. Now any sod could do this and get paid for it, but I do as I don't know anyone else who has besides one at a time. I need them all, and then compare the ones that go up with the flat ones for the same period, and see if anyone qualified can then see if they cheated. I've come to the conclusion this is how they do it as you can make it look any way you want as other people have little access to the raw data. In fact CRU haven't released theirs, so presumably if leaked somehow and compared with their public data they may actually end up in prison, or at least all get sacked and have to work mopping the university floors. You only need a brain to see any scam, and a professional to prove it. That's my role, detection, and pass the stuff along if I can ever find anyone able to test it.

So let's hope the boring phase goes as fast as possible, I ran out of material on Friday and had none since. There is only so much. No more old friends to look up online, few roads left to check on streetview, and a total lack of current inspiration. And one feature of that is it has to come from outside. Like tickling you can't inspire yourself. I do have hours of videos (Big Brother mainly) to catch up, but can't do that all day and don't want to, and will also make a couple more of these phone calls to more odd women just in case we can both benefit somehow. No one else so I will make my moves there first. Better than a kcik in the arse but possibly only slightly...

A week's rubbish

I am beginning to wonder if my 'outer' life (as opposed to my spiritual inner) is ever going to produce any more than neutral again. I sent out some more reminders yesterday which will no doubt fall on deaf ears but if I do nothing people will just say (as many do) it's my own fault. But either way nothing will happen but at least it feels like I've done my best if I follow up every possibility anyhow. And that includes the area of women, I can't even think of anyone dodgy who's available any more, and as I won't pay for it am at a loss for where the next experience there is coming from. Quality aside I've always got something regularly and the last supply stopped and even that is now producing a lack of service.

At least I've trained myself not to look ahead now, if something needs doing it goes on the list but I don't think to what I'll be doing any further than the next day now as it takes care of itself. Knowing that I know there's enough available to do on my own every day and (which hasn't happened for ages) anyone else arrives it's a bonus. Again I'm not chasing people any more as friends, the available people are like the women I rejected in the past, many are worse than being alone and really only want the right people with me or not at all. Who wouldn't? My only exception is the Indian arranged marriages as most of the women are so attractive I can't imagine being disappointed within a few tries, as not being forced, both have to agree before it goes ahead, they just don't know each other until they meet for a short time before deciding. But besides Asian women the others would be no different from the random selections online which would be no different from the crowd on a train or supermarket. And (as I have been told by many I know), Indian women and thereabouts as a rule don't mix (as in date or marry) outside their own caste, let alone race. I wouldn't even be considered by over 99% of them although they make up almost half the people in my own borough. Total waste basically.

So currently the teacher online turns out enough new videos to keep me busy most days and the understanding is widening and deepening as a result. If someone becomes enlightened none of this crap matters any more and if they even kept up a blog goodness knows what it would be about. But life would go on, only the experience of it would improve. So careers and relationships would continue but wouldn't matter. Best of both worlds.

The chances of any of my attempts last week to provide any more work are probably as much as if I hadn't sent them at all. Plus someone I know sent me a new client who didn't turn up or call to say why. Someone will have a red face sooner or later. I missed a piano lesson once when I was 12 as I was with my girlfriend and got such a bollocking Inever let anyone down again. All the things people do that are wrong (making rude and personal remarks for example) I was taught not to do as a child and that was the end of it. It's very easy and these people who will act like shits the whole of their lives are reasons some lunatics believe in social darwinism. I can be as rude as I like about anything I want as it's just my opinion and free speech, but you don't say it to people directly as you'll gain nothing out of it. You only would do it if either they were the sort of people you can't stand or they did something to you first, and either way nothing will change by calling them names. If someone's an arsehole telling them that won't make them stop, it'll just fall on deaf ears as it's not as if they'd think so is it? So you've wasted your breath and ruined someone's day. A double negative where both parties lose.
As I said when I worked in a shop, always wait till a customer is gone before you slag them off. I'm sure many did the same about me but as long as I didn't hear it it was OK.

So I suppose most of it can be summed up as a total lack of excitement, with no chance of any. It is basically a random pattern of many different threads in life that all came to a stop around the same time. It's still neutral as all the stress has stopped as well, but who could ever say neutral was good enough? Of course nearly all the excitement in the past (there has been some) has come out of the blue, you can't predict any of it, but fruits of previous labours are also supposed to lead to results and even those have now finished with no new starts. And remember I complain here so I don't bore the people I know although not all return the compliment. But we all have to dump our rubbish somewhere.

Bollocks on Friday

Another week of freedom, which is good. My post reflected this exactly as for the first time since having my own place I didn't have any for 3 days. This was the same as life in general as most post is bad, but a little is good, and if you get none you have nothing.

So the nothing continues, I've emailed Christine, the ex from long ago, another ex who replied after years, another hasn't called back after giving me her number and only having a few minutes to talk. I added to the list by emailing Will Self at last after finding a contact, someone from Big Brother and someone's sister from school. That's a perfect 6/6, and it's not that always happens, but instead either most reply or don't. Always in bunches. Search me how.

So what have I done with the freedom? Two days taking more or less every nice road in NW11, followed by Pinner and Kentish Town. One almost girlfriend visited telling me should she actually dump her boyfriend she wants to dump I'll be next. After a 7 week holiday. Could be worse. The thing about my 'after 40' rule is that if someone has a couple of really good qualities I overlook the others, so rather than an ordinary and uninteresting type I get those with all sorts of major problems and enough good qualities to live with them. Like me I suppose except many women say I haven't got the good ones.
I've had more accounts to do, no other work and that was more or less it.

So with a clear day ahead I just manage to think of enough to do with each one, and had a couple of people who wanted/needed to see me as well which made a lot of difference. There are always elements we don't mention on the blog, in my case I don't want to put people off reading, but when I get rude comments I reckon if they knew why things were a certain way they'd leave off. I've had a selection of health problems that slowed me down for years, and although they are lifting you take some time to get over them, if you ever do. Without the camera I'd have had no reason to go out besides the park when it's sunny, as why the hell go to Kentish Town on your own after Pinner just for the hell of it? I don't go to the shops or anything, I don't need anything there and they don't have anything I can't get round here.

So more empty days lie ahead, indefinitely, like shadows defined not by the presence of good but the relative absence of bad. Like everything in my life this should be a phase but what the next one is could be up or down. Don't wish for change when nothing's wrong as destruction is always easier than creation. I can understand why I used to watch the news in case any predicted or unpredicted crisis ever happened, and basically they haven't and even when they do they only affect the people in the immediate vicinity (eg Iraq) and not us in London. Except being bombed which wasn't on my list of possible excitement. Life is bog standard and normal most if not all the time, I do have some evidence of psychic power, albeit of little practical use, and the only other action has been in the form of females and meeting the odd celebrity. Now I want to be the celebrity the next step in my career needs to happen to allow that, which is basically on the edge.

The lower part of my mind still pops up sometimes imagining something will suddenly happen to improve everything, but we are given such mental weaknesses only to overcome rather than use, which is why I'm not religious, which is just a larger version of the same thing.
There are definite patterns in life, but no happy endings.