Still looking for a point, I do see where the area may be though. My own suffering may actually have a purpose I have yet to discover, as whenever one thing stops another one starts within not very long. I used to fear the worst, and one by one they became real, until I feared life itself.
Not being able to rely on my own constitution I had to rely on medication to fill the gaps, and now take on the odd job one by one I may not be able to complete. That in any terms is a journey to hell and back, and money is no real element. Rich and poor people get the same troubles besides financial ones, and most are down to health and people, which don't respect money. Not that I'm rich, I just manage, pay my bills and buy the cheapest of everything.
Now if I gradually learn strategies after each situation that allow me to cope with previously nervous situations, simply because whatever drives my life is a perfectionist, that would be a logical answer. I had to face every fear I had (not including permanent disabilities) or they'd just give me the same situations over and over again until I did learn what to do (as in many religious stories). Having a wife or partner must then be earned, as presumably imposing my inadequacies on one, meaning she couldn't share holidays, restaurants or theatres, let alone be visited in hospital, should I be 'on one' at the time. By that I mean if I get claustrophobic you won't get me near any confined space unless a cocktail of tablets so effective I think I'm on Jupiter. And I am forced to either learn how to or get more of the same.
There would only be a point if I needed such superhuman qualities. Most people with weaknesses who can function just do their best within their limits. Just because you could lift a car with one hand if you trained for long enough doesn't mean you have to, and overcoming the worst of my weaknesses would be possible but would then mean I was immune to more or less every awful situation known to man, which would make me a saint. But what a training to be so! I didn't ask for it, or care much whether I had problems or not if I could avoid their worst effects in a practical way. Making me not care when I catch something nasty or have to spend a day on a course is of little practical use to me as I have finished taking courses and if I get ill I'm in the same boat as everyone else who has been.
Moreover, my strengths are pretty good as well, and given a choice to swap them (or even half of them) for more peace of mind I doubt I would, as I'd be like a castrated cat. I'd be less bothered about life and produce very little. Wasting talent is such a shame, so when I was young and showed talents in various areas like the piano, I'd be very disappointed with myself if I couldn't do at least one or two of them properly as I can now. And if I suddenly found I couldn't use my logic or memory properly (like after a stroke) I'd have lost something I no longer take for granted. I'd remember I could do it and never be able to again. That's too much to lose for a trade. So in order to keep my strengths, rather than be accepted with a pile of both at extreme levels, something is setting me every situation one or two at a time so I can't avoid them any more. And some aren't common ones, and others are the sort you could do a lot better if shared. But I have no armour, no reserves and not even any prizes if I win a task, but instead another, usually even worse.
So should I sound like a broken record, it's because each week as my resistance to stress lowers another point, the stress continues in every imaginable form. I imagine balance, where at least if one bad thing's happening a good one is as well. But that's not real life which isn't organised like a machine. There was one time I had to go to a wedding (a whole day's work) and I'd just met a girlfriend, so was so high thinking about that it got me through the travelling and the reception (though I bottled the rest of it in order to manage going at all). That's the one time it happened I can remember, and by the laws of chance wasn't significant.
So, anyone now in any doubt why I complain a lot, here is the picture in cinemascope. It seems I am being put through a set of tests to face my worst fears and learn to overcome them. That or I'm paranoid, but at least it explains how it seems from here, with just the odd day or two off until something spoils it yet again. One good reason I get so tired.
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Today's experiences.
Routine and manna from heaven do not run together. This is today's 'diary' post, separated from the philosophy. When you're in the desert you dream of water. When you're in a vacuum you dream of pleasure. I imagine and fantasise over any nice event just landing in my day, using the 'unconditional miracles' principle, as it's the usual way it happens for me, in my imagination.
Instead the inevitable and much hinted at email that my friends will be remaining abroad indefinitely arrived today, so that (it never really was on) is off the system. The day was punctuated by a cancellation which allowed me to nip out and do my chores (shopping and tablet related). I was tired, this time not from lack of sleep but an alternation of bad nights and catching up nights. Clearly irregular sleep takes as much out of you as not enough. I would always go to bed early if with someone else, but otherwise it's like a little death every night. So rather than accept things as they are (a good Buddhist I'd have made...) I imagine lists of what I wish would happen when it goes dead.
From the email I received today (but in reverse form) to hearing from old friends and girlfriends, good news (whatever that is), and basically getting anything nice I haven't worked for or earned is how my mind works. Masturbation on non-sexual subjects and just as pointless. But that's our lower brain, the animal part and the one that stops us being spiritual and good Buddhists. I am on the lower path clearly and haven't a zen master beating the crap out of me to keep me on the right track (that's what they do).
I accept my mind is doing what you can call 'self medication', making up stories as a distraction to reality, which is the same as having imaginary friends, which would also be an asset at the moment. This isn't depression speaking, it's a description of a place as near to photographic accuracy I can create using words, just as when I do a painting.
A house is half what it appears. Empty it's not anything as you aren't there to experience it. So it's either occupied by you or you and others. So technically an empty house is one you enter and is empty. It's like a corpse. When a parent dies and you look in the coffin (as many cultures do) it's not a person. It looks like them but there's nothing there. Same with a house. If you enter an empty house it's dead and can't be any more. It's like a lucid dream where you know there's no one else really there, just you and your imaginary army of people. So I am affected by entering a house which has the chill of death on entering and after 10 years (and a few elsewhere) alone is beginning to get through my spiritual clothing. It's the situation many people I've spoken to recently are in, and they showed it's not a 'David' reaction but a normal one.
The bed represents the coffin the best, so going to an empty bedroom is like going to ones grave night after night, where the reality is hardest to avoid as the silence (besides the radio) is no different to that in a coffin.
I reckon I'd have to be superhuman, or at least have a brother or sister alive as a connected human being in spirit wherever they may live. That helps many people who are alone I think, if they get on at least. Otherwise you're literally on your own full stop, and I could envisage an experiment where 100 people are made to live on their own plus (as it's the killer part of the situation) imagine it's for life. If you knew it was temporary it would be a lot better. But it isn't. Then watch their mental decline, phobias and emotional problems develop gradually as loneliness ate away at their being. A few would rise to the occasion, but my intuition (proved reliable enough times to trust) most would go downhill till they ended up like the ones I know. It's simple cause and effect.
By the way, anyone who watched the new House Doctor programme I said after 20 minutes the couple would split up before the end of the hour, and they did. That is intuition and why I trust it. It pisses of rational people who want lab experiments but works for me. Sorry!
Instead the inevitable and much hinted at email that my friends will be remaining abroad indefinitely arrived today, so that (it never really was on) is off the system. The day was punctuated by a cancellation which allowed me to nip out and do my chores (shopping and tablet related). I was tired, this time not from lack of sleep but an alternation of bad nights and catching up nights. Clearly irregular sleep takes as much out of you as not enough. I would always go to bed early if with someone else, but otherwise it's like a little death every night. So rather than accept things as they are (a good Buddhist I'd have made...) I imagine lists of what I wish would happen when it goes dead.
From the email I received today (but in reverse form) to hearing from old friends and girlfriends, good news (whatever that is), and basically getting anything nice I haven't worked for or earned is how my mind works. Masturbation on non-sexual subjects and just as pointless. But that's our lower brain, the animal part and the one that stops us being spiritual and good Buddhists. I am on the lower path clearly and haven't a zen master beating the crap out of me to keep me on the right track (that's what they do).
I accept my mind is doing what you can call 'self medication', making up stories as a distraction to reality, which is the same as having imaginary friends, which would also be an asset at the moment. This isn't depression speaking, it's a description of a place as near to photographic accuracy I can create using words, just as when I do a painting.
A house is half what it appears. Empty it's not anything as you aren't there to experience it. So it's either occupied by you or you and others. So technically an empty house is one you enter and is empty. It's like a corpse. When a parent dies and you look in the coffin (as many cultures do) it's not a person. It looks like them but there's nothing there. Same with a house. If you enter an empty house it's dead and can't be any more. It's like a lucid dream where you know there's no one else really there, just you and your imaginary army of people. So I am affected by entering a house which has the chill of death on entering and after 10 years (and a few elsewhere) alone is beginning to get through my spiritual clothing. It's the situation many people I've spoken to recently are in, and they showed it's not a 'David' reaction but a normal one.
The bed represents the coffin the best, so going to an empty bedroom is like going to ones grave night after night, where the reality is hardest to avoid as the silence (besides the radio) is no different to that in a coffin.
I reckon I'd have to be superhuman, or at least have a brother or sister alive as a connected human being in spirit wherever they may live. That helps many people who are alone I think, if they get on at least. Otherwise you're literally on your own full stop, and I could envisage an experiment where 100 people are made to live on their own plus (as it's the killer part of the situation) imagine it's for life. If you knew it was temporary it would be a lot better. But it isn't. Then watch their mental decline, phobias and emotional problems develop gradually as loneliness ate away at their being. A few would rise to the occasion, but my intuition (proved reliable enough times to trust) most would go downhill till they ended up like the ones I know. It's simple cause and effect.
By the way, anyone who watched the new House Doctor programme I said after 20 minutes the couple would split up before the end of the hour, and they did. That is intuition and why I trust it. It pisses of rational people who want lab experiments but works for me. Sorry!
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
There may be a point
There are two parts to this post. The prelude, which is planned, and the point, which I am writing the prelude to hope to discover. There are two sorts of people, those more satisfied with life now, and those who aren't. Now I am clearly not, and due to that look for ways to fix it, while those who are stand back and wonder why I talk such rubbish.
Well, eventually, behind all my variety of complaints and possible solutions, there may be a single point. What it is seems to be a fuzzy image now (previously it was nothing) and may come into focus. I hope it is, as it's almost as if I've been set a puzzle and maybe I'm finding the solution. Writing it down here (even if not read) is where I do my working out. You are looking at as much personal unscrambling than anything written for others. It didn't start like that but became my way of doing the mental maths working out.
So my apparent aim is to solve a problem behind dissatisfaction with life as it is. How it happens and how to undo it. This applies to those not happy now, but many who are (as even I have been) but won't be in the future. It's as if somehow I was put in every situation I feared one after another as I had the determination to learn ways out of it. Me, down? Hardly surprising... But I wasn't much of the time people thought I was, bored maybe but I try not to talk about being depressed as no one can do much about it and just brings other people down. But if my physical health would be more reliable that would be the main thing for me.
As I haven't got to the point in my own mind yet, just suspect there is one, I'll write what I was going to about manna from heaven, and let any point come to me as I write. Magic is apparently the aim of my mission, so I'll bear that in mind. The other half of active improvement of life is outside events.
Manna from heaven is rare but we all get a little occasionally. Usually when we don't need it the most but that's its random nature. I'll describe the childish but perfect new age concept of unconditional miracles.
This means we do not need to earn anything, it'll come to us. Being alive is our only qualification for it. No pain and gain, just gain. How childish is that, and how perfect? How they expect it to happen is another story, but it's a nice dream.
I still would like to know what my own point is. I feel all my blogging has been leading up to it. A simple and obvious solution. One people will understand and relate to. Currently I come across as a released mental patient with an intellect but no direction. It isn't quite like that. I look back and see what I write and realise to hook the few views I need to agree I'll alienate the majority of the rest. I see how pointless some of my ideas appear, and that's because they're still a work in progress. Buddha was on a mission to end suffering, and somehow I seem to be in a more modern version of it. Something that will help everyone. Also because I've searched the elite of teachers, and gained a few pieces of the jigsaw. Only Dr Who seems to know it all, and he's not actually real. I have collected their pieces in my picture, but it's still nearly all space.
One example is enlightenment. It's so rare and such a long path if you get it, you actually need something else to relieve the pain until you are. Otherwise you spend your life doing whatever you do that may allow it to happen, but still suffer just as you always did. Meditation is a good escape when it works, but the times it didn't mean it's the best of a pretty average lot. Drugs rob Peter to pay Paul, you may (apparently) feel great for a while, then pay for it afterwards, often until it kills you. Not a good route.
My original mission was bullshit busting, allowing others to see it and maybe force some of the rules that keep us from enjoying life to the full (including speed humps) are removed one by one. But anyone with time on their hands and their heart in the right place can do that and no one ever does a thing when you do anyway. So it can't be that. I have also had a collection of people with my own collection of problems so I can firstly see they are generally present, and also to look at ways to fix it. Knowing an answer may exist means I'm more than half way there, as I am pointing towards a destination possibly.
So while people with happy and normal lives (it seems the majority I come across) look at me with pity (at best) and contempt and embarrassment at worst, I am busy doing what I have to regardless as I've been put in that position. Unlike my ego question which has been dealt with, this is 100% practical. I could say I'll accept no one actually cares what I say and give up, but it's free to write so I'll carry on, plus I've got nothing more interesting to do instead anyway. But critics aside, I saw how apparently confused all my writing appeared since I started this mission, and and maybe the clouds started to clear and just knowing there may be a point will start me aiming to find it, actively when I can and passively if it just comes to me.
But I've prepared and cleared the ground for it with this series of blogs, and my personal wish is to get the point by tomorrow, but getting it at all is fine.
Well, eventually, behind all my variety of complaints and possible solutions, there may be a single point. What it is seems to be a fuzzy image now (previously it was nothing) and may come into focus. I hope it is, as it's almost as if I've been set a puzzle and maybe I'm finding the solution. Writing it down here (even if not read) is where I do my working out. You are looking at as much personal unscrambling than anything written for others. It didn't start like that but became my way of doing the mental maths working out.
So my apparent aim is to solve a problem behind dissatisfaction with life as it is. How it happens and how to undo it. This applies to those not happy now, but many who are (as even I have been) but won't be in the future. It's as if somehow I was put in every situation I feared one after another as I had the determination to learn ways out of it. Me, down? Hardly surprising... But I wasn't much of the time people thought I was, bored maybe but I try not to talk about being depressed as no one can do much about it and just brings other people down. But if my physical health would be more reliable that would be the main thing for me.
As I haven't got to the point in my own mind yet, just suspect there is one, I'll write what I was going to about manna from heaven, and let any point come to me as I write. Magic is apparently the aim of my mission, so I'll bear that in mind. The other half of active improvement of life is outside events.
Manna from heaven is rare but we all get a little occasionally. Usually when we don't need it the most but that's its random nature. I'll describe the childish but perfect new age concept of unconditional miracles.
This means we do not need to earn anything, it'll come to us. Being alive is our only qualification for it. No pain and gain, just gain. How childish is that, and how perfect? How they expect it to happen is another story, but it's a nice dream.
I still would like to know what my own point is. I feel all my blogging has been leading up to it. A simple and obvious solution. One people will understand and relate to. Currently I come across as a released mental patient with an intellect but no direction. It isn't quite like that. I look back and see what I write and realise to hook the few views I need to agree I'll alienate the majority of the rest. I see how pointless some of my ideas appear, and that's because they're still a work in progress. Buddha was on a mission to end suffering, and somehow I seem to be in a more modern version of it. Something that will help everyone. Also because I've searched the elite of teachers, and gained a few pieces of the jigsaw. Only Dr Who seems to know it all, and he's not actually real. I have collected their pieces in my picture, but it's still nearly all space.
One example is enlightenment. It's so rare and such a long path if you get it, you actually need something else to relieve the pain until you are. Otherwise you spend your life doing whatever you do that may allow it to happen, but still suffer just as you always did. Meditation is a good escape when it works, but the times it didn't mean it's the best of a pretty average lot. Drugs rob Peter to pay Paul, you may (apparently) feel great for a while, then pay for it afterwards, often until it kills you. Not a good route.
My original mission was bullshit busting, allowing others to see it and maybe force some of the rules that keep us from enjoying life to the full (including speed humps) are removed one by one. But anyone with time on their hands and their heart in the right place can do that and no one ever does a thing when you do anyway. So it can't be that. I have also had a collection of people with my own collection of problems so I can firstly see they are generally present, and also to look at ways to fix it. Knowing an answer may exist means I'm more than half way there, as I am pointing towards a destination possibly.
So while people with happy and normal lives (it seems the majority I come across) look at me with pity (at best) and contempt and embarrassment at worst, I am busy doing what I have to regardless as I've been put in that position. Unlike my ego question which has been dealt with, this is 100% practical. I could say I'll accept no one actually cares what I say and give up, but it's free to write so I'll carry on, plus I've got nothing more interesting to do instead anyway. But critics aside, I saw how apparently confused all my writing appeared since I started this mission, and and maybe the clouds started to clear and just knowing there may be a point will start me aiming to find it, actively when I can and passively if it just comes to me.
But I've prepared and cleared the ground for it with this series of blogs, and my personal wish is to get the point by tomorrow, but getting it at all is fine.
Monday, April 17, 2006
It's a mystery
Firstly I’ve dropped all ideas about being special or anything else. It seemed this was in me, came out and has now been released. I’ll leave it now for other people to decide and have no concern about it left myself.
Otherwise it seems that despite being ‘released from jail’ or the equivalent, having completed my long list of unpleasant tasks, I am not happy. That lasts the day or so after the last is over, and then the emptiness of what’s left must take over, showing me that as long as I’m alone I won’t get much joy out of life even when free.
So, for the first time ever I’ve made a list of things of nice things to do instead of jobs. Not very long yet but a good idea. Hope is overrated as well. What gives you hope? Speculation. Any major event in my life hasn’t been built up to or forseen, they just happen. No clues ahead very often so little or no hope.
Last week was 95% predictable, reaching closer to a level there’s no room for variation, which may come this week. Nothing seen either way good or bad, just a week. But at least I’m free of caring what I prove, as I realised last week I’m not answerable to anyone. Not as easy as dropping my ego which was like laying an egg, but an old habit I need to break.
The trouble is life and the blog that follows it repeats itself so becomes a slight variation of previous entries. What can I do? Even holidays (which my nerves do a Dennis Bergkamp-like shudder when mentioned or imagined) only give me another chance to get stressed and something to talk about for the rest of my life for a week or two’s experience. (To non-Europeans, Dennis is one of the world’s best footballers who won’t fly).
Now I struggle to liven up this blog sometimes, though I enjoy reading other people’s boredom, banality and misery, most people want a laugh. That’s not to order with me, and what makes me laugh tends to either be shared with primary schoolkids or repressed Jewish intellectuals like myself (and Will Self- a natural pun there!). Connections in the media usually work as long as you have the minimum of talent (I think a few lessons in writing and I will do), and imagining Will Self and Toby Young knocking around with me in my 40s instead of my teens and before may have improved my work prospects no end, as well as probably having a bloody good time as well. I doubt Harry Hill would have kept in touch should I have tried last summer, as I was just a loyal fan who happened to live near where he was filming for a few days and took under his wing (probably out of pity!). All he needs is a dribbling fan following him around as he tries to get on with his life.
What pretends to be hope is a few weeks ahead. Changing my car, a possible female visit which I still aren’t 100% sure if business or pleasure in her view, another which may happen once we find her phone number, and a dwindling chance of my next TV filming in June. The car is the most likely and least exciting of those, the two women can be divided into a definite visit that’s almost definitely business, and a possible one that’s almost definitely platonic. Story of the last 25 years. So no point wasting my attention looking unspecified times ahead to things that are almost impossible.
I did find one book on my ‘missing’ list last week, which was on the proper shelf but between two albums, so camouflaged a little. The second I looked for another book I haven’t seen for years (and probably didn’t survive the move) I saw it immediately. As always, if you look for any specific item you probably won’t find it (same with people). Look for something else and there it is. The second last person on my missing persons list was found (via his sister) and never even replied. Unless he’s not on the list as he’s dead, but the last one was and someone still had the decency to let me know.
So I really only want to live in a family again, with a girlfriend/wife and other friends, and hopefully a regular income. Seen that experiment at the science museum, where the coin sits on the table and falls in a hole as soon as you try and touch it? That’s the same as trying to control people. They aren’t designed to follow each other’s needs. We each go in a unique direction and only when lucky enough to meet another that is better than the other things in our life and they feel the same way will it work. And share a house with someone? You may as well try and knit smoke. As for getting more than we deserve, a few new-agers say ‘think big and the world will respond’, but finding another person I approve of who has the cash to buy half our old house so I can move back is the equivalent of trying to get a degree without taking any exams. You don’t get the prize without putting in the effort, and the amount I paid for my own house was almost a miracle at the time, so double that and more is only available to those earning about £40,000 plus a year, not on the dole. Now if anyone wants an example of a miracle, just imagine any of that list ‘just happening’, like in a film.
Liz Jones of the Daily Mail finally splitting from her husband and giving me a try. She could buy two of my old house and at least I’m the right age for her and am faithful. She may even have read this blog though working about 1000 hours a week (her estimate I added a zero to) I don’t think she’d still have the time. It’s not like I want something without working for it. I studied for years for letters after my name, and then went to endless classes to learn assorted other things, and then years of writing about them for unpaid journals. I have enough professional experience to know enough about people to lecture or present programmes about. I’ve learnt art and music nearly all my life and have only chosen not to use music for money as when I tried it ruined the pleasure of playing (unless I was in a group playing rock and roll, which I never managed). You don’t need a three year apprenticeship in a local paper any more to write. A degree in more or less anything opens most doors, and a backing of a professional career should make me a fair candidate for consideration. So I’m not asking the earth by any means.
On the female front it’s totally the opposite. I have had more girlfriends than most people I know, not because I’m any good at it but never got married so kept adding to the list. And incredibly persistent due to a phenomenal sex drive. But they never lasted, like staff working for a rogue employer. The turnover was very high. But it meant one thing. There couldn’t have been enough wrong with me not to get them hooked.
I don’t think there are reasons women dislike men once they get to know them, though they try and find them to justify themselves. One said I didn’t wash my hands when I went for a pee. That appeared to be the actual reason she dumped me despite showering me with compliments about my important qualities. If it was true she’d have just told me to. But as she didn’t really like me it was her excuse. What has that effect time after time beats me, and seems to be a magnetic reversal that when I’m positive they are repelled and vice versa. It’s really getting on my nerves…
Otherwise it seems that despite being ‘released from jail’ or the equivalent, having completed my long list of unpleasant tasks, I am not happy. That lasts the day or so after the last is over, and then the emptiness of what’s left must take over, showing me that as long as I’m alone I won’t get much joy out of life even when free.
So, for the first time ever I’ve made a list of things of nice things to do instead of jobs. Not very long yet but a good idea. Hope is overrated as well. What gives you hope? Speculation. Any major event in my life hasn’t been built up to or forseen, they just happen. No clues ahead very often so little or no hope.
Last week was 95% predictable, reaching closer to a level there’s no room for variation, which may come this week. Nothing seen either way good or bad, just a week. But at least I’m free of caring what I prove, as I realised last week I’m not answerable to anyone. Not as easy as dropping my ego which was like laying an egg, but an old habit I need to break.
The trouble is life and the blog that follows it repeats itself so becomes a slight variation of previous entries. What can I do? Even holidays (which my nerves do a Dennis Bergkamp-like shudder when mentioned or imagined) only give me another chance to get stressed and something to talk about for the rest of my life for a week or two’s experience. (To non-Europeans, Dennis is one of the world’s best footballers who won’t fly).
Now I struggle to liven up this blog sometimes, though I enjoy reading other people’s boredom, banality and misery, most people want a laugh. That’s not to order with me, and what makes me laugh tends to either be shared with primary schoolkids or repressed Jewish intellectuals like myself (and Will Self- a natural pun there!). Connections in the media usually work as long as you have the minimum of talent (I think a few lessons in writing and I will do), and imagining Will Self and Toby Young knocking around with me in my 40s instead of my teens and before may have improved my work prospects no end, as well as probably having a bloody good time as well. I doubt Harry Hill would have kept in touch should I have tried last summer, as I was just a loyal fan who happened to live near where he was filming for a few days and took under his wing (probably out of pity!). All he needs is a dribbling fan following him around as he tries to get on with his life.
What pretends to be hope is a few weeks ahead. Changing my car, a possible female visit which I still aren’t 100% sure if business or pleasure in her view, another which may happen once we find her phone number, and a dwindling chance of my next TV filming in June. The car is the most likely and least exciting of those, the two women can be divided into a definite visit that’s almost definitely business, and a possible one that’s almost definitely platonic. Story of the last 25 years. So no point wasting my attention looking unspecified times ahead to things that are almost impossible.
I did find one book on my ‘missing’ list last week, which was on the proper shelf but between two albums, so camouflaged a little. The second I looked for another book I haven’t seen for years (and probably didn’t survive the move) I saw it immediately. As always, if you look for any specific item you probably won’t find it (same with people). Look for something else and there it is. The second last person on my missing persons list was found (via his sister) and never even replied. Unless he’s not on the list as he’s dead, but the last one was and someone still had the decency to let me know.
So I really only want to live in a family again, with a girlfriend/wife and other friends, and hopefully a regular income. Seen that experiment at the science museum, where the coin sits on the table and falls in a hole as soon as you try and touch it? That’s the same as trying to control people. They aren’t designed to follow each other’s needs. We each go in a unique direction and only when lucky enough to meet another that is better than the other things in our life and they feel the same way will it work. And share a house with someone? You may as well try and knit smoke. As for getting more than we deserve, a few new-agers say ‘think big and the world will respond’, but finding another person I approve of who has the cash to buy half our old house so I can move back is the equivalent of trying to get a degree without taking any exams. You don’t get the prize without putting in the effort, and the amount I paid for my own house was almost a miracle at the time, so double that and more is only available to those earning about £40,000 plus a year, not on the dole. Now if anyone wants an example of a miracle, just imagine any of that list ‘just happening’, like in a film.
Liz Jones of the Daily Mail finally splitting from her husband and giving me a try. She could buy two of my old house and at least I’m the right age for her and am faithful. She may even have read this blog though working about 1000 hours a week (her estimate I added a zero to) I don’t think she’d still have the time. It’s not like I want something without working for it. I studied for years for letters after my name, and then went to endless classes to learn assorted other things, and then years of writing about them for unpaid journals. I have enough professional experience to know enough about people to lecture or present programmes about. I’ve learnt art and music nearly all my life and have only chosen not to use music for money as when I tried it ruined the pleasure of playing (unless I was in a group playing rock and roll, which I never managed). You don’t need a three year apprenticeship in a local paper any more to write. A degree in more or less anything opens most doors, and a backing of a professional career should make me a fair candidate for consideration. So I’m not asking the earth by any means.
On the female front it’s totally the opposite. I have had more girlfriends than most people I know, not because I’m any good at it but never got married so kept adding to the list. And incredibly persistent due to a phenomenal sex drive. But they never lasted, like staff working for a rogue employer. The turnover was very high. But it meant one thing. There couldn’t have been enough wrong with me not to get them hooked.
I don’t think there are reasons women dislike men once they get to know them, though they try and find them to justify themselves. One said I didn’t wash my hands when I went for a pee. That appeared to be the actual reason she dumped me despite showering me with compliments about my important qualities. If it was true she’d have just told me to. But as she didn’t really like me it was her excuse. What has that effect time after time beats me, and seems to be a magnetic reversal that when I’m positive they are repelled and vice versa. It’s really getting on my nerves…
Saturday, April 15, 2006
Am I boring you?
One thing stress and boredom can do is allow you to investigate life in great detail, which can be bloody useful but most people can only take so much of it. Even if you read my blog some time ago philosophy only crept in sometimes, but as some people get paid to do it, you're getting mine for free. But it's not all I do by any means. Life almost creeping to a halt at times shifts your focus from telling interesting stories to analysing what's not happening and why. At least it helps my clients as they suffer frequently from the areas I am looking into, and when I begin to see patterns it helps them as well as there's only one truth behind each issue, however complex or hard to find, but few have the need, time and patience to look for it.
Personally anyone with a blog like that would have me reading everything and waiting for more, as I find it all fascinating (as with Nick Roach's site, now becoming his second book). But we are few and far between and besides practicing for working for an obscure publication doing this on my blog will probably have alienated the majority of regulars as the comment count seems to have almost hit zero. I don't think I can stop looking for answers, but I suppose I can do waht every comedian and entertainer has never been able to do to order, 'make me laugh'. When I do that it's never planned and never has been. I can write 10,000 words nowadays on many subjects off the top of my head as like a computer disk it's become so organised and expanded by filling it constantly with information it's now a natural process to waffle. I actually want to be paid for it as it would solve my job prospects in one go, especially as I can work mainly from home as I've been used to for years. So though I can't be funny to order (ever try to piss when the nurse gives you a bottle for a sample?) I will avoid the philosophy every day as I can see when I've worn out my welcome.
Change of subject change of colour:
So, what did I do this week? Better than that, how can I make a week of the expected routine (it reached closer to 95% predictable this time, possibly a record, like the oil price) and I've already mentioned the main parts previously. So can anything be salvaged from a typical Kingsbury week, combined of a few hours work, seeing family and sitting at home or gardening?
Mirages are a bastard and I have many that appear in my life, raising my hopes only to turn to dust almost every time. My trouble finding another girlfriend has meant whenever someone looks even like they'll talk to me who I know and like it feels like they're all ready for marriage. Like a starving person eating almost anything, I blow up their passing interest (before I have time to think) into a romantic novel where the man proposes after a week, she says 'of course I will' and they live happily ever after. What then happens is they ask 'Can you help me with a legal problem', bore the arse of me, and then fuck off when they've got what they need to know. Every fucking time. Except the one who wanted me to accept Jesus as my saviour. At least she was original. Not like the one with a speeding fine, or the other list almost as long as my dick (did I ever tell you... never mind) with long-running battles that I (without the full training) was adequate to handle, as I was free. So though my heart says 'yes!' whenever one of these long-lost women waltzes back into my life after a two year gap, my head sees a technical problem that they know I can sort out before they bugger off for another two years. That's always been the same so why should it be different any time in the future?
Well, it gave me something to fantasise about, which does (like heroin) raise my spirits in a totally false way. All it means is possibly if such a condition actually ever does materialise I will be happier than I am now. That's useful as when you're way down you often believe that's how it'll be forever. Again it's the brain's illusion, as for weird reasons when you feel OK it seems like it'll last forever, and the same when you don't. It also means many people who are can't relate to you when you're not and vice versa, and you tend to expect people to feel like you. This is not me bullshitting, it really happens to many people, and the logic is that of childbirth pain. We are designed to forget the worst feelings or we'd be haunted by them. That's fine, but it works the same for both, and doesn't seem to have realised we only need to forget how we felt when we weren't ok, not when we were. That means when you're down you forget you were ever anything else, at least can't recall how you felt better though you know you did. It's how we're designed and besides the useful side is a darn nuisance. As it's my job, I do see enough cases to know when there's a phenomenon, and this is one.
Is there a point? Not yet. But one point I did get this week (I had a lot of spare time alone) was I no longer need to impress anyone. I can relax and not do a thing for anyone else's opinion as long as I pay my bills, that's it. I have to renew my professional qualification every year as well, and that's all. I don't need to show myself or anyone else anything. I was so used to having to bring back results (mainly to my grandparents) that it became a habit that drove me without realising it. The trouble was it makes you check everything you do and feel you've missed out if you 'waste' a week. Well, as long as you are alive and being looked after, ie eating sleeping etc and have a roof over your head, you're OK. There is always more anyway but without the new criteria of a family after qualification time, I got stuck in limbo and felt if I wasn't working I ought to be compensating in some other way. What pressure that is! Well I won't now. It's nobody's business, except British Gas etc who will cut me off if I don't pay. Though money had been tricky as well not that long ago, I doubt I'd ever get in that situation. So I should live the hippy ethos I apply to others and sit back, relax and enjoy life not caring what anyone else thinks so long as I don't hurt anyone.
They showed some old hippies on TV tonight, I was so pleased they hadn't all given up 30 plus years ago as their views would have averted most of the wars we've had since 1970 if adopted by governements. They may have had their crazy element, but their core philosophy was hard to beat. People think if you let everyone free and make their own rules we'd end up like savages, so look at the world now- what have the rules done? Made doing certain acts a crime. But the acts are still done, you just risk punishment for them. The criminals don't actually care about the rules, they are always going to do what they do as they know nothing else. But (as some have told me) take them out of their environment and shove them in a commune and how many people can they rip off or kill? Unless they're criminally insane most would be so lost in one that there just wouldn't be the banks to rob or old ladies to mug as they'd be in a small isolated community where they had everything and shared it. Why steal something when you can have ot for nothing? By the way, even with a small garden I managed for a short time to grow a lot of my own food for almost nothing. Had the gardener not destroyed the patch by dumping his rubbish on it I may have carried on as it was there when I moved in. And home grown vegetables and salad are a lot better for you than ready meals. And organic.
Well, I started by saying I'd leave out the philosophy, but I did so little this week that it left the space for me to think, and I reckon I did pretty well. Just a shame my grandma won't let me grow the little hair I have or I'd have looked the part as well. Remember, why do you think Jesus looked like a hippy?
Personally anyone with a blog like that would have me reading everything and waiting for more, as I find it all fascinating (as with Nick Roach's site, now becoming his second book). But we are few and far between and besides practicing for working for an obscure publication doing this on my blog will probably have alienated the majority of regulars as the comment count seems to have almost hit zero. I don't think I can stop looking for answers, but I suppose I can do waht every comedian and entertainer has never been able to do to order, 'make me laugh'. When I do that it's never planned and never has been. I can write 10,000 words nowadays on many subjects off the top of my head as like a computer disk it's become so organised and expanded by filling it constantly with information it's now a natural process to waffle. I actually want to be paid for it as it would solve my job prospects in one go, especially as I can work mainly from home as I've been used to for years. So though I can't be funny to order (ever try to piss when the nurse gives you a bottle for a sample?) I will avoid the philosophy every day as I can see when I've worn out my welcome.
Change of subject change of colour:
So, what did I do this week? Better than that, how can I make a week of the expected routine (it reached closer to 95% predictable this time, possibly a record, like the oil price) and I've already mentioned the main parts previously. So can anything be salvaged from a typical Kingsbury week, combined of a few hours work, seeing family and sitting at home or gardening?
Mirages are a bastard and I have many that appear in my life, raising my hopes only to turn to dust almost every time. My trouble finding another girlfriend has meant whenever someone looks even like they'll talk to me who I know and like it feels like they're all ready for marriage. Like a starving person eating almost anything, I blow up their passing interest (before I have time to think) into a romantic novel where the man proposes after a week, she says 'of course I will' and they live happily ever after. What then happens is they ask 'Can you help me with a legal problem', bore the arse of me, and then fuck off when they've got what they need to know. Every fucking time. Except the one who wanted me to accept Jesus as my saviour. At least she was original. Not like the one with a speeding fine, or the other list almost as long as my dick (did I ever tell you... never mind) with long-running battles that I (without the full training) was adequate to handle, as I was free. So though my heart says 'yes!' whenever one of these long-lost women waltzes back into my life after a two year gap, my head sees a technical problem that they know I can sort out before they bugger off for another two years. That's always been the same so why should it be different any time in the future?
Well, it gave me something to fantasise about, which does (like heroin) raise my spirits in a totally false way. All it means is possibly if such a condition actually ever does materialise I will be happier than I am now. That's useful as when you're way down you often believe that's how it'll be forever. Again it's the brain's illusion, as for weird reasons when you feel OK it seems like it'll last forever, and the same when you don't. It also means many people who are can't relate to you when you're not and vice versa, and you tend to expect people to feel like you. This is not me bullshitting, it really happens to many people, and the logic is that of childbirth pain. We are designed to forget the worst feelings or we'd be haunted by them. That's fine, but it works the same for both, and doesn't seem to have realised we only need to forget how we felt when we weren't ok, not when we were. That means when you're down you forget you were ever anything else, at least can't recall how you felt better though you know you did. It's how we're designed and besides the useful side is a darn nuisance. As it's my job, I do see enough cases to know when there's a phenomenon, and this is one.
Is there a point? Not yet. But one point I did get this week (I had a lot of spare time alone) was I no longer need to impress anyone. I can relax and not do a thing for anyone else's opinion as long as I pay my bills, that's it. I have to renew my professional qualification every year as well, and that's all. I don't need to show myself or anyone else anything. I was so used to having to bring back results (mainly to my grandparents) that it became a habit that drove me without realising it. The trouble was it makes you check everything you do and feel you've missed out if you 'waste' a week. Well, as long as you are alive and being looked after, ie eating sleeping etc and have a roof over your head, you're OK. There is always more anyway but without the new criteria of a family after qualification time, I got stuck in limbo and felt if I wasn't working I ought to be compensating in some other way. What pressure that is! Well I won't now. It's nobody's business, except British Gas etc who will cut me off if I don't pay. Though money had been tricky as well not that long ago, I doubt I'd ever get in that situation. So I should live the hippy ethos I apply to others and sit back, relax and enjoy life not caring what anyone else thinks so long as I don't hurt anyone.
They showed some old hippies on TV tonight, I was so pleased they hadn't all given up 30 plus years ago as their views would have averted most of the wars we've had since 1970 if adopted by governements. They may have had their crazy element, but their core philosophy was hard to beat. People think if you let everyone free and make their own rules we'd end up like savages, so look at the world now- what have the rules done? Made doing certain acts a crime. But the acts are still done, you just risk punishment for them. The criminals don't actually care about the rules, they are always going to do what they do as they know nothing else. But (as some have told me) take them out of their environment and shove them in a commune and how many people can they rip off or kill? Unless they're criminally insane most would be so lost in one that there just wouldn't be the banks to rob or old ladies to mug as they'd be in a small isolated community where they had everything and shared it. Why steal something when you can have ot for nothing? By the way, even with a small garden I managed for a short time to grow a lot of my own food for almost nothing. Had the gardener not destroyed the patch by dumping his rubbish on it I may have carried on as it was there when I moved in. And home grown vegetables and salad are a lot better for you than ready meals. And organic.
Well, I started by saying I'd leave out the philosophy, but I did so little this week that it left the space for me to think, and I reckon I did pretty well. Just a shame my grandma won't let me grow the little hair I have or I'd have looked the part as well. Remember, why do you think Jesus looked like a hippy?
Thursday, April 13, 2006
Make it so...
Due to lack of sleep I'm here now as I don't intend to return to the computer when I get in again later. I even planned to play my first round (9 holes) of golf since the lessons from my Dad last summer but was too tired. But the alternative fairy was around and my gardens needed a lot of attention, and with the first warm day of the year cut the front lawn, weeded the back and then finally removed the 3ft box from behind my kitchen and put everything in a tidy place to await a wash before returning to the new kitchen units. So the golf may have been nice but those jobs had to be done and have been now.
Last night I did my first 'blank slate' post on Funtrivia's blog, bearing in mind the lack of censorship here and not to run free and vulgar where kids are watching. I ended up discovering that I do meet wonderful women despite only going to strange places, and though not a single one has wanted any physical contact with me they still remain friends. Mind you, in the cases I mentioned I haven't actually tried yet so who knows? But like the alternative fairy who makes sure if your plans are jammed you always do something instead, often even more useful. Not going to singles dos, or even worse, holidays (a week with them?!) does not and never did mean I would never meet anyone. And when I went to courses over the last 20 years I rarely met any single women let alone ones who clicked, besides most courses being miles away as well as the women who attended them. I did see a couple but the trouble with being a counsellor is once people know what you do any decent looking woman can pretend she wants to see you simply to unload all her problems on you when she does and then mention 'didn't you know I had a boyfriend?' Bitch... And that one had the incredibly weird 'Body dismorphic disorder', where people believe they're deformed. I kid you not. Current research likens these disorders to a programming software fault in the brain, which would also make them a damn sight harder to cure with therapy.
I see so much weirdness in my job, where reality is bypassed by an inner view which may be impossible to penetrate with logic. Now if God creates us all in his image, he will also have paranoia, anorexia, social phobia and every other crossed wire he inflicts on us. If he did it. However, God is by definition perfect. We are definitely not. So when men build a new car or camera and it goes wrong we learn from our mistakes. We can never be perfect and are continually evolving our creations. God however we are told got it right first time, as he can't make a mistake. Pardon? Look at the evidence. We create, we do our best, we get it wrong and try and fix it.
God, if he did even do all this, has to be the same. Instead of being the perfect and omnipotent being we wish we had as our father, he's a higher entity pissing about in a lab somewhere hours after everyone else has gone home, and looking through his microscope at the next virus he's trying to remove from the mix. And if you buy into that, you'll add the other entities on his world who, just like the internet, sabotage his work for fun, creating better viruses (eg zango) that poor God keeps having inflicted on his creation, like bird flu. That we call the devil, but unlike the bible the real devil is God's equal, and constantly fucking up everything God tries to do. Doesn't that, if you must believe in creationism, look a lot more logical?
I will give a few reasons I am not fully agreed with the view we were created at random. Certain sexual factors are so perfectly designed (no, I won't go into detail, read Havelock Ellis!), that it implies if that is the case, there must be an element of design involved. Then some of the higher meditative states appear to be too good to be an accident, and most of all synchronicity, which despite the chaos in between, connects every part of the universe all the time, otherwise it couldn't work.
If I read a book and then a day later someone asks me a question I just read the answer to you'd say it was coincidence. I've been doing this for about 15 years and how do people wait till I've learnt something before they ask me? That's just a typical example, but it's a way of life I'm as used to now as knowing most things set in a psychic reading. There are tiny gaps in the chaos, and my assumption that once I discovered there was more I'd be happy.
The trouble is the effects are rare and wear off once the outside world takes over. Despite knowing a lot more than I did, none of that information makes the world a better place when the effects stop. Maybe even if I met an alien or had an out of body experience my life would return identical to before just as it did sooner or later after my little experiences. The same as people with a flash of enlightenment, some can hold that memory and raise their life afterwards even if it never happens again. That is one thing many people are fixed by, as in improved permanently. And why I still practice what I do as that is one area which offers the ultimate prize though only a tiny fraction of students seem to get a thing from it. It seems like either an unnatural state or one reserved for those chosen to have it. Or all a crock... I have the rest of my life to find out but if it's real I don't know what I'd tell everyone as not a soul can convince me it's real so how could I?
Well, that's plenty to think about before I leave for grandma soon. Maybe one day someone will tell me I've taught them something. That would be a bonus.
Last night I did my first 'blank slate' post on Funtrivia's blog, bearing in mind the lack of censorship here and not to run free and vulgar where kids are watching. I ended up discovering that I do meet wonderful women despite only going to strange places, and though not a single one has wanted any physical contact with me they still remain friends. Mind you, in the cases I mentioned I haven't actually tried yet so who knows? But like the alternative fairy who makes sure if your plans are jammed you always do something instead, often even more useful. Not going to singles dos, or even worse, holidays (a week with them?!) does not and never did mean I would never meet anyone. And when I went to courses over the last 20 years I rarely met any single women let alone ones who clicked, besides most courses being miles away as well as the women who attended them. I did see a couple but the trouble with being a counsellor is once people know what you do any decent looking woman can pretend she wants to see you simply to unload all her problems on you when she does and then mention 'didn't you know I had a boyfriend?' Bitch... And that one had the incredibly weird 'Body dismorphic disorder', where people believe they're deformed. I kid you not. Current research likens these disorders to a programming software fault in the brain, which would also make them a damn sight harder to cure with therapy.
I see so much weirdness in my job, where reality is bypassed by an inner view which may be impossible to penetrate with logic. Now if God creates us all in his image, he will also have paranoia, anorexia, social phobia and every other crossed wire he inflicts on us. If he did it. However, God is by definition perfect. We are definitely not. So when men build a new car or camera and it goes wrong we learn from our mistakes. We can never be perfect and are continually evolving our creations. God however we are told got it right first time, as he can't make a mistake. Pardon? Look at the evidence. We create, we do our best, we get it wrong and try and fix it.
God, if he did even do all this, has to be the same. Instead of being the perfect and omnipotent being we wish we had as our father, he's a higher entity pissing about in a lab somewhere hours after everyone else has gone home, and looking through his microscope at the next virus he's trying to remove from the mix. And if you buy into that, you'll add the other entities on his world who, just like the internet, sabotage his work for fun, creating better viruses (eg zango) that poor God keeps having inflicted on his creation, like bird flu. That we call the devil, but unlike the bible the real devil is God's equal, and constantly fucking up everything God tries to do. Doesn't that, if you must believe in creationism, look a lot more logical?
I will give a few reasons I am not fully agreed with the view we were created at random. Certain sexual factors are so perfectly designed (no, I won't go into detail, read Havelock Ellis!), that it implies if that is the case, there must be an element of design involved. Then some of the higher meditative states appear to be too good to be an accident, and most of all synchronicity, which despite the chaos in between, connects every part of the universe all the time, otherwise it couldn't work.
If I read a book and then a day later someone asks me a question I just read the answer to you'd say it was coincidence. I've been doing this for about 15 years and how do people wait till I've learnt something before they ask me? That's just a typical example, but it's a way of life I'm as used to now as knowing most things set in a psychic reading. There are tiny gaps in the chaos, and my assumption that once I discovered there was more I'd be happy.
The trouble is the effects are rare and wear off once the outside world takes over. Despite knowing a lot more than I did, none of that information makes the world a better place when the effects stop. Maybe even if I met an alien or had an out of body experience my life would return identical to before just as it did sooner or later after my little experiences. The same as people with a flash of enlightenment, some can hold that memory and raise their life afterwards even if it never happens again. That is one thing many people are fixed by, as in improved permanently. And why I still practice what I do as that is one area which offers the ultimate prize though only a tiny fraction of students seem to get a thing from it. It seems like either an unnatural state or one reserved for those chosen to have it. Or all a crock... I have the rest of my life to find out but if it's real I don't know what I'd tell everyone as not a soul can convince me it's real so how could I?
Well, that's plenty to think about before I leave for grandma soon. Maybe one day someone will tell me I've taught them something. That would be a bonus.
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
My requests to the universe.
I wonder if deliberately changing my style to something more upbeat for a change would reflect in my outer life, putting the cart before the horse? I read a book that said if you make a request to the universe exactly as you want it with as much detail as possible, feel as if you've got it, bind it (using 'amen', for instance) and then forget about it you'll bring it into your life.
It's based on the theory we create everything, but chaotically until we learn to control it. If we make a watertight formula with little room for variation we may create that, just as if we were in a dream. I know my exact first formula, as I've worked out the best situation that would both provide me with the personal contact I need and a protection from the more hostile situations life faces me with.
I would pick a woman who is sexually compatible for me (no shortage of them I'm glad to say, they have so far just avoided any with me), good company, caring, sense of humour, and accepts me as company over material and social interests.
This means no demands to go out, do things and all the other crap most women expect throughout a relationship as a given. I don't know what other men want besides sex, but suspect as long as that's good if they never took their partner out again it wouldn't be to soon. Just an informed guess...
So if I put my CV from an earlier post in front of her, and she just said 'Who cares, I'd rather be with you than do all those other things without you'. Not unreasonable- I often took women out as they wanted it or they were so boring there was little to stay in for with them. Now if and when I feel like doing something, fine, I will. But not with the sword of Damocles hanging over my head 'I want to go to...' and a major mood if I don't go along with it. I have plenty of interests that got me out of the house and hardly ever went with anyone else. When I go to a market, football match, film or any other activity I'm too absorbed in what I'm doing to need anyone else with me. I don't mind either way, but at major exhibitions you lose your friend/s within five minutes and have to stand by the door to wait for them to pass by when you want to go. So it's not that I won't go out, I just don't need a woman to make that a requirement as having two sets of tablets to take to cover such situations after panic attacks that could win the panic attack olympic gold I can't do with that sort of pressure at the moment.
It's also a bugger as I came across a really nice woman on a dating site, and realised if I met her I'd have to risk such an attack as the pills are not yet infallible, being in the 'beta testing' stage, to borrow the internet term. When she didn't phone I wanted to meet her but thought what's the point of following it up when I wasn't well enough to do much anyway, as the tablets hadn't arrived then. Now there are a few women who I've known some time around as friends, who would all be a potential for more. I could even engineer it for one or two to read this so they wondered whether I was referring to them or not. But they know me well enough to have been able to see who I am regardless of problems and may be prepared to take on a hard case, especially when compared to the others (alcoholics, hooligans, schizophrenics etc) the worst thing I could ever do for them is leave an event or place as I couldn't take it. In fact in all my 20 years of genuine claustrophobia I almost never did leave anywhere when I got an attack. I froze myself and they normally passed. The effort involved in fighting them took it out of me for the next day or so, and the old tablets almost removed that mechanism.
The new ones don't. Besides not being taken all the time (different design) they were not really meant for that sort of thing, but to stop my heart from losing regulation. The tranquiliser part seems to have little effect, having taken two at once (it was part of the testing procedure) to see the right strength needed, but that made no difference. The beta blockers however work directly on heartbeat, and the monitor I use every week shows a drastic reduction to normal, and that was clearly the cause of most of the tiredness and more sinister symptoms as my blood pressure became low and oxygen wasn't getting through to my brain. That was not a phobia or phobic response, it was a physical failure where my brain had jammed the response in whichever part sends adrenalin to run away but stayed on a lot of the time. To run you need a fast heartbeat, and I was getting it up to around 180 just walking into a shop at times. That sort of experience over a few months scares the shit out of you, as especially when you don't know the cause I was already thinking of letters to send my friends in case I was on the way out. It felt like it.
Now it rarely does, about 2 months on. But I have to make tiny steps in where I go in case the panics return. They are not the plateau ones I used to have now, but peak at a point nearing unconsciousness. It has never happened (I reckon if it did it would be a lot more than a panic attack) but when you've been out a few times and had that you don't dare stay anywhere long in case. So back to my point, how many women I know or may know in the future can be arsed to cope with someone scared to leave the house at times? As a man I have no idea, as in a woman such a quality would make her marriage material for a lot of men. No more restaurants or crappy films? Hooray!!!
But women seem to like eating out in the way vampires need blood, and go to concerts and films like a heroin addict in some cases. I went to see a film, and if I'm out and I'm hungry if I don't get a roll from the bakers, I'll go to a cafe or a pub and that's it. Eating is a bodily function, and sitting in a crowded shop and wait ages for food that costs 15 times the price of buying it from Tescos and making it yourself seems like a scam to me. My version is the 'Kingsbury dinner party'.
Though I also did this at my friend's house when he lived here now it's more or less confined to here. I can't cook so invite about 4 people over every now and then and order as much take away food as we can (Indian, Chinese or pizza), spread out the little tables I have across the open plan lounge, and eat for Britain. Then I usually get the video camera out and do a quick version of Big Brother, and watch old editions I've made with them in the past. It's basically a miniature version of my birthday parties when I'd have 30 people here but more civilised (for me at least as organiser). The only bit missing is the swinging, mainly as that requires couples and one of the only times I was with someone at the time I was trying to get rid of her...
So, given the money I'd become a millionaire recluse, have a huge house with a pool and sports facilities, and invite endless strings of people over to have fun. I've spent weeks on similar holidays and as long as the people are good you never get fed up. Apparently Elvis became a lot like this in his final years, and I wonder how many people given the millions would prefer something similar as well?
It's based on the theory we create everything, but chaotically until we learn to control it. If we make a watertight formula with little room for variation we may create that, just as if we were in a dream. I know my exact first formula, as I've worked out the best situation that would both provide me with the personal contact I need and a protection from the more hostile situations life faces me with.
I would pick a woman who is sexually compatible for me (no shortage of them I'm glad to say, they have so far just avoided any with me), good company, caring, sense of humour, and accepts me as company over material and social interests.
This means no demands to go out, do things and all the other crap most women expect throughout a relationship as a given. I don't know what other men want besides sex, but suspect as long as that's good if they never took their partner out again it wouldn't be to soon. Just an informed guess...
So if I put my CV from an earlier post in front of her, and she just said 'Who cares, I'd rather be with you than do all those other things without you'. Not unreasonable- I often took women out as they wanted it or they were so boring there was little to stay in for with them. Now if and when I feel like doing something, fine, I will. But not with the sword of Damocles hanging over my head 'I want to go to...' and a major mood if I don't go along with it. I have plenty of interests that got me out of the house and hardly ever went with anyone else. When I go to a market, football match, film or any other activity I'm too absorbed in what I'm doing to need anyone else with me. I don't mind either way, but at major exhibitions you lose your friend/s within five minutes and have to stand by the door to wait for them to pass by when you want to go. So it's not that I won't go out, I just don't need a woman to make that a requirement as having two sets of tablets to take to cover such situations after panic attacks that could win the panic attack olympic gold I can't do with that sort of pressure at the moment.
It's also a bugger as I came across a really nice woman on a dating site, and realised if I met her I'd have to risk such an attack as the pills are not yet infallible, being in the 'beta testing' stage, to borrow the internet term. When she didn't phone I wanted to meet her but thought what's the point of following it up when I wasn't well enough to do much anyway, as the tablets hadn't arrived then. Now there are a few women who I've known some time around as friends, who would all be a potential for more. I could even engineer it for one or two to read this so they wondered whether I was referring to them or not. But they know me well enough to have been able to see who I am regardless of problems and may be prepared to take on a hard case, especially when compared to the others (alcoholics, hooligans, schizophrenics etc) the worst thing I could ever do for them is leave an event or place as I couldn't take it. In fact in all my 20 years of genuine claustrophobia I almost never did leave anywhere when I got an attack. I froze myself and they normally passed. The effort involved in fighting them took it out of me for the next day or so, and the old tablets almost removed that mechanism.
The new ones don't. Besides not being taken all the time (different design) they were not really meant for that sort of thing, but to stop my heart from losing regulation. The tranquiliser part seems to have little effect, having taken two at once (it was part of the testing procedure) to see the right strength needed, but that made no difference. The beta blockers however work directly on heartbeat, and the monitor I use every week shows a drastic reduction to normal, and that was clearly the cause of most of the tiredness and more sinister symptoms as my blood pressure became low and oxygen wasn't getting through to my brain. That was not a phobia or phobic response, it was a physical failure where my brain had jammed the response in whichever part sends adrenalin to run away but stayed on a lot of the time. To run you need a fast heartbeat, and I was getting it up to around 180 just walking into a shop at times. That sort of experience over a few months scares the shit out of you, as especially when you don't know the cause I was already thinking of letters to send my friends in case I was on the way out. It felt like it.
Now it rarely does, about 2 months on. But I have to make tiny steps in where I go in case the panics return. They are not the plateau ones I used to have now, but peak at a point nearing unconsciousness. It has never happened (I reckon if it did it would be a lot more than a panic attack) but when you've been out a few times and had that you don't dare stay anywhere long in case. So back to my point, how many women I know or may know in the future can be arsed to cope with someone scared to leave the house at times? As a man I have no idea, as in a woman such a quality would make her marriage material for a lot of men. No more restaurants or crappy films? Hooray!!!
But women seem to like eating out in the way vampires need blood, and go to concerts and films like a heroin addict in some cases. I went to see a film, and if I'm out and I'm hungry if I don't get a roll from the bakers, I'll go to a cafe or a pub and that's it. Eating is a bodily function, and sitting in a crowded shop and wait ages for food that costs 15 times the price of buying it from Tescos and making it yourself seems like a scam to me. My version is the 'Kingsbury dinner party'.
Though I also did this at my friend's house when he lived here now it's more or less confined to here. I can't cook so invite about 4 people over every now and then and order as much take away food as we can (Indian, Chinese or pizza), spread out the little tables I have across the open plan lounge, and eat for Britain. Then I usually get the video camera out and do a quick version of Big Brother, and watch old editions I've made with them in the past. It's basically a miniature version of my birthday parties when I'd have 30 people here but more civilised (for me at least as organiser). The only bit missing is the swinging, mainly as that requires couples and one of the only times I was with someone at the time I was trying to get rid of her...
So, given the money I'd become a millionaire recluse, have a huge house with a pool and sports facilities, and invite endless strings of people over to have fun. I've spent weeks on similar holidays and as long as the people are good you never get fed up. Apparently Elvis became a lot like this in his final years, and I wonder how many people given the millions would prefer something similar as well?
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Tuesday again
Firstly I want to clarify my question about being special. In a profession you are given a qualification, a clear remit, and told 'you can do it'. There's no need to have any outside validation besides a bit of supervision for therapists. But when it's a quality you can't be sure you have or qualify in, what do you do? ask people.
Just like anyone qualified gets the odd drop in confidence and needs to be reminded they can do it, when there's no qualifications for what you may be able to do you can't spend years wondering, so use any means at your disposal to ask, as I did.
Otherwise it's been a nice day (passes out in surprise)! Didn't leave the house or garden (mainly as raining) but had nice people around all day and that made all the difference. Then I had some bulbs to plant and discovered someone had emptied their bin all over the front garden. Why I cannot say, besides the fact I don't pay the dustmen every Christmas (it's illegal now) and that's the usual result. So I had a whole rubbish sack filled with someone else's packaging to fill as well as the actual little jobs I had to do there.
Part of living in the suburbs, no doubt. So, Mr Blogger.com, why does your software revert to default every time you press the shift key?
Why am I writing this? No philosophy or much else, just amazed to have a nice day so may as well share it. Can't think beyond for tomorrow and more, and no real need to.
Just like anyone qualified gets the odd drop in confidence and needs to be reminded they can do it, when there's no qualifications for what you may be able to do you can't spend years wondering, so use any means at your disposal to ask, as I did.
Otherwise it's been a nice day (passes out in surprise)! Didn't leave the house or garden (mainly as raining) but had nice people around all day and that made all the difference. Then I had some bulbs to plant and discovered someone had emptied their bin all over the front garden. Why I cannot say, besides the fact I don't pay the dustmen every Christmas (it's illegal now) and that's the usual result. So I had a whole rubbish sack filled with someone else's packaging to fill as well as the actual little jobs I had to do there.
Part of living in the suburbs, no doubt. So, Mr Blogger.com, why does your software revert to default every time you press the shift key?
Why am I writing this? No philosophy or much else, just amazed to have a nice day so may as well share it. Can't think beyond for tomorrow and more, and no real need to.
Monday, April 10, 2006
Neutrality
After the last two weeks, I have freedom from stress right now (as in how long for?), but as I went from ech (as in feh, yugh or blech) to nothing, I wasn't ecstatic just because the electrodes were removed from my testicles. I also seemed to get a rebound effect the next days when this happened where I seem to have expended so much energy over the previous week I am worn out and feel physically and mentally like shit instead of happy and relieved.
So with a basically free week ahead, and my kitchen finished a few hours ago (last missing bits) it is a start, but I need more. My health has been so ragged since the summer I reckon if all my energy was back and I had no panic attacks that would overshadow anything else that was absent on the positive side.
It's a lot better than it was of course, but I am testing my pills every few days as I have no idea which activity will trigger an attack till I'm there. The old pills almost took the tendency away, these are very different and are mainly targeted at physical symptoms.
Last week's review included a little work, gardening for my mum (which I enjoy) and my monthly accounts work. It was also still a little early considering the clocks went forward and I really felt I was up an hour earlier than usual up to two weeks afterwards. Then I did almost sod all for three days, I bought the third or fourth power supply in about 6 years for my radio and then realised the reason the last ones had blown is the ampage was way too low. I didn't unpack the new one so it's back to Surrey to get the proper one and hope it works. Otherwise I saw Manchester Utd wallop Arsenal on Sky TV, and sport coverage for four solid days (golf, rally etc) which was something.
Little this week beyond dull and boring chores not worth reporting, and predictability tells me 90% of what I usually expect happens as the routine is so fixed. Boring is the word.
I had one dream which provided a little insight to a few things so I'll both report it and its meaning to me. I have been struggling to think of a way to share a house, especially when my old one went on the market last week, and the dream involved asking a woman if I could move in, and she said yes and kissed me.
It was very realistic (pardon the font, I'll let the blogger system win this time), not that good but told me a few things about life. I used the dream to extend to imagining living with this woman, and realised if you can fantasise about anything you like and enjoy the fantasy, you aren't suffering from clinical depression. It's a good test. Clinical depression isn't affected by life. You could win a million pounds and get offered sex by Carol Vorderman you'd probably do it but feel exactly the same. But if even imagining anything like that clearly enough and finding it makes you feel happy means there's nothing wrong with you. You just have good reasons to be depressed that would depress most people.
I know enough people with lives much like mine who feel much like I do. Cause and effect. Every year buries the certainty deeper, and though we're not in prison we don't have a release date either from isolation, if at all. Isolation seems to appeal to some people from big or dubious families, and good luck to them. Just don't expect anyone to be there for you when you change your mind. There's an exception to every rule and just because a minority do the exact opposite to the norm means nothing to those who don't. 'I enjoy pain' or 'I like the rain' (sorry Sharon, but it was a good example!) won't make it feel any better for those of us who don't. Masochists do exist, but it's not recommended. As for the Buddhist 'end craving' I can add wanting the end of pain is not the same as craving pleasure. And what's wrong with pleasure anyway? Whoever made us gave us that bias and we aren't designed to override it.
I am not bothered about much in a material way nowadays as I've never done too badly on that front, but it is people I need. Just one or two special ones. Teachers promise (after 10-30 years of work minimum) you can become enlightened and not be affected, but what about all those years where you are almost guaranteed to be? Being told bias towards pleasure is an illusion is little use until it's already happened, in which case until then knowing it is of no practical use at all. How can you step outside of your nature? My yogi teachers agree, and ignore enlightenment for pleasure. My heart is split between the two, as I was recently told pleasure is step one on the ladder of enlightenment, implying enlightenment is beyond even pleasure itself, like being told about new colours you can't yet see.
Teachers can become stuck up their own arses. I have seen so many patronise and criticse students for daring to want to feel good. Telling them pleasure and pain are illusions is no different from telling someone who's depressed to snap out of it. Just because something in them snapped and they have a bypass of all the crap 99.999999% of the rest of us are stuck with doesn't mean we can all relate to it. I am referring to a hard core of teachers who appear to have used mistranslations of eastern languages and trying to convey concepts very different from what was probably intended. One simple example is concentrate on the tip of your nose. In fact it's the third eye point, translated from various languages to English, and some were expected to focus on the end of their noses as the teachers didn't have the basic theory to work out the meaning logically. If that got through imagine the other mistranslations that only challenging and questioning a teacher personally can get sorted out.
Otherwise you are pointed in some very odd directions and likely to go mad long before you are enlightened.
Nick Roach, being my current teacher (as in been through a few but not intending to keep looking), agrees with an approach I would take. If I became enlightened I'd find a simple method, work out how long it may take to work, and what to expect as it does.
Nick's means take up two lines (maximum) and writing hundreds of pages. Why? Because the mind wants to know why we are doing what he askes us to, and as soon as it finds a gap it feels like giving up. He has to plug as many holes in the mind as possible or our practice could give up purely from lack of trust in it. My old meditation works so drastically the first time for most people that's it. Unfortunately it can wear off or tail off and we stop through lack of time and patience. Nick's practice may not work quickly or obviously. It does work on trust and we need to know why it's better than what we were doing before. So every question that can be asked (plus a whole raft of my own) has to be written and answered or people simply won't believe it's worth the effort.
Well, I have in my head expected 90% of the week ahead, being mundane, relatively harmless, and totally free of joy. My dream could bring that person into my life (for she is a real and desirable one) and maybe I would have that joy if it did.
But a final note, I used to think 'If I had x/y/z I'd never have problems again'. I got x and y, not z or w, and as x and y took the edge off my problems rather than cured them, I no longer expect anything to have evn a short term effect on my life until it's happened. It's far better and more realistic except you can feel very happy imagining something nice even if it never happens. Now I am cured of expecting anything to be good until it is, I still expect other things to be bad. Only half way there, and need less time to worry about all that shit. I have to clear up mistaken thinking when I spot it, but all I do is find the next and the next. I'm getting to be too old to use it at this rate...
So with a basically free week ahead, and my kitchen finished a few hours ago (last missing bits) it is a start, but I need more. My health has been so ragged since the summer I reckon if all my energy was back and I had no panic attacks that would overshadow anything else that was absent on the positive side.
It's a lot better than it was of course, but I am testing my pills every few days as I have no idea which activity will trigger an attack till I'm there. The old pills almost took the tendency away, these are very different and are mainly targeted at physical symptoms.
Last week's review included a little work, gardening for my mum (which I enjoy) and my monthly accounts work. It was also still a little early considering the clocks went forward and I really felt I was up an hour earlier than usual up to two weeks afterwards. Then I did almost sod all for three days, I bought the third or fourth power supply in about 6 years for my radio and then realised the reason the last ones had blown is the ampage was way too low. I didn't unpack the new one so it's back to Surrey to get the proper one and hope it works. Otherwise I saw Manchester Utd wallop Arsenal on Sky TV, and sport coverage for four solid days (golf, rally etc) which was something.
Little this week beyond dull and boring chores not worth reporting, and predictability tells me 90% of what I usually expect happens as the routine is so fixed. Boring is the word.
I had one dream which provided a little insight to a few things so I'll both report it and its meaning to me. I have been struggling to think of a way to share a house, especially when my old one went on the market last week, and the dream involved asking a woman if I could move in, and she said yes and kissed me.
It was very realistic (pardon the font, I'll let the blogger system win this time), not that good but told me a few things about life. I used the dream to extend to imagining living with this woman, and realised if you can fantasise about anything you like and enjoy the fantasy, you aren't suffering from clinical depression. It's a good test. Clinical depression isn't affected by life. You could win a million pounds and get offered sex by Carol Vorderman you'd probably do it but feel exactly the same. But if even imagining anything like that clearly enough and finding it makes you feel happy means there's nothing wrong with you. You just have good reasons to be depressed that would depress most people.
I know enough people with lives much like mine who feel much like I do. Cause and effect. Every year buries the certainty deeper, and though we're not in prison we don't have a release date either from isolation, if at all. Isolation seems to appeal to some people from big or dubious families, and good luck to them. Just don't expect anyone to be there for you when you change your mind. There's an exception to every rule and just because a minority do the exact opposite to the norm means nothing to those who don't. 'I enjoy pain' or 'I like the rain' (sorry Sharon, but it was a good example!) won't make it feel any better for those of us who don't. Masochists do exist, but it's not recommended. As for the Buddhist 'end craving' I can add wanting the end of pain is not the same as craving pleasure. And what's wrong with pleasure anyway? Whoever made us gave us that bias and we aren't designed to override it.
I am not bothered about much in a material way nowadays as I've never done too badly on that front, but it is people I need. Just one or two special ones. Teachers promise (after 10-30 years of work minimum) you can become enlightened and not be affected, but what about all those years where you are almost guaranteed to be? Being told bias towards pleasure is an illusion is little use until it's already happened, in which case until then knowing it is of no practical use at all. How can you step outside of your nature? My yogi teachers agree, and ignore enlightenment for pleasure. My heart is split between the two, as I was recently told pleasure is step one on the ladder of enlightenment, implying enlightenment is beyond even pleasure itself, like being told about new colours you can't yet see.
Teachers can become stuck up their own arses. I have seen so many patronise and criticse students for daring to want to feel good. Telling them pleasure and pain are illusions is no different from telling someone who's depressed to snap out of it. Just because something in them snapped and they have a bypass of all the crap 99.999999% of the rest of us are stuck with doesn't mean we can all relate to it. I am referring to a hard core of teachers who appear to have used mistranslations of eastern languages and trying to convey concepts very different from what was probably intended. One simple example is concentrate on the tip of your nose. In fact it's the third eye point, translated from various languages to English, and some were expected to focus on the end of their noses as the teachers didn't have the basic theory to work out the meaning logically. If that got through imagine the other mistranslations that only challenging and questioning a teacher personally can get sorted out.
Otherwise you are pointed in some very odd directions and likely to go mad long before you are enlightened.
Nick Roach, being my current teacher (as in been through a few but not intending to keep looking), agrees with an approach I would take. If I became enlightened I'd find a simple method, work out how long it may take to work, and what to expect as it does.
Nick's means take up two lines (maximum) and writing hundreds of pages. Why? Because the mind wants to know why we are doing what he askes us to, and as soon as it finds a gap it feels like giving up. He has to plug as many holes in the mind as possible or our practice could give up purely from lack of trust in it. My old meditation works so drastically the first time for most people that's it. Unfortunately it can wear off or tail off and we stop through lack of time and patience. Nick's practice may not work quickly or obviously. It does work on trust and we need to know why it's better than what we were doing before. So every question that can be asked (plus a whole raft of my own) has to be written and answered or people simply won't believe it's worth the effort.
Well, I have in my head expected 90% of the week ahead, being mundane, relatively harmless, and totally free of joy. My dream could bring that person into my life (for she is a real and desirable one) and maybe I would have that joy if it did.
But a final note, I used to think 'If I had x/y/z I'd never have problems again'. I got x and y, not z or w, and as x and y took the edge off my problems rather than cured them, I no longer expect anything to have evn a short term effect on my life until it's happened. It's far better and more realistic except you can feel very happy imagining something nice even if it never happens. Now I am cured of expecting anything to be good until it is, I still expect other things to be bad. Only half way there, and need less time to worry about all that shit. I have to clear up mistaken thinking when I spot it, but all I do is find the next and the next. I'm getting to be too old to use it at this rate...
Saturday, April 08, 2006
Week's review 8/4
It's been a busy week and no mistake. Hard and busy and today is the first one off. But work is work and though I feel guilty for not doing much, I realised 1) I thought about doing nothing but still did it and 2) the more major things I haven't done are because I have to get back to things gradually and test the tablets to see what I can do now.
But I'm so glad that week's over. A lot of small events can wear as much as a few big ones, in their own way. And I judged myself unfairly for thinking about doing nothing, imagining I'd done nothing and then finding I hadn't. I'm forced into the present now, mainly as I have few decent plans or projects and absolutely nothing to look forward to. But there's nowhere else to focus your attention but now so it's happening whatever the reasons.
Two large books and two plastic footballers are now missing, the books are too big to go and the footballers appear to have tempted one of two people who should know better, but how else could they vanish? The books are a very rare 60s poster book and my art pad from the 80s I still use and put in a 'safe place' months ago. I hope that will turn up first though I've more or less given up hope for the others, I really just want to know how two free models can go missing from a shelf in such a bleedin' obvious way without the person expecting a comeback?
I may be back later with some inspired satsang, otherwise it's goodbye from me.
But I'm so glad that week's over. A lot of small events can wear as much as a few big ones, in their own way. And I judged myself unfairly for thinking about doing nothing, imagining I'd done nothing and then finding I hadn't. I'm forced into the present now, mainly as I have few decent plans or projects and absolutely nothing to look forward to. But there's nowhere else to focus your attention but now so it's happening whatever the reasons.
Two large books and two plastic footballers are now missing, the books are too big to go and the footballers appear to have tempted one of two people who should know better, but how else could they vanish? The books are a very rare 60s poster book and my art pad from the 80s I still use and put in a 'safe place' months ago. I hope that will turn up first though I've more or less given up hope for the others, I really just want to know how two free models can go missing from a shelf in such a bleedin' obvious way without the person expecting a comeback?
I may be back later with some inspired satsang, otherwise it's goodbye from me.
Adding colour
One thing I believe I do quite naturally is add colour to the world. So many people play safe and easy and bore the pants off you. I would rather exploit the playground that is life, saying and doing whatever I do that is interesting and harmless, as if it can be done why not say and do it?
That is not being insane or delusional, just eccentric. I'd always meet people who are sane but interesting, not afraid to explore peculiar ideas and speak their minds like children do. I know so many people like this, mad as hatters sometimes but always worth going back for more and a constant source of entertainment.
In art you have the surrealist, psychedelic and op art movements, the best examples of artistic freedom I know, like them or not, and I like to be the personal equivalent. Painting the world with psychedelic rainbows of words and pictures, and possibly even finding escapes from the mundane banality life provides most of the time since 1974.
So even if people accuse me of writing rubbish, I am exploring every boundary of words and creation, and maybe find something others have missed in doing so. And even if not, I won't be forgotten. And in the media, being known is all that matters. No one remembers a bore but they all remember a weirdo. And I can live with that label.
That is not being insane or delusional, just eccentric. I'd always meet people who are sane but interesting, not afraid to explore peculiar ideas and speak their minds like children do. I know so many people like this, mad as hatters sometimes but always worth going back for more and a constant source of entertainment.
In art you have the surrealist, psychedelic and op art movements, the best examples of artistic freedom I know, like them or not, and I like to be the personal equivalent. Painting the world with psychedelic rainbows of words and pictures, and possibly even finding escapes from the mundane banality life provides most of the time since 1974.
So even if people accuse me of writing rubbish, I am exploring every boundary of words and creation, and maybe find something others have missed in doing so. And even if not, I won't be forgotten. And in the media, being known is all that matters. No one remembers a bore but they all remember a weirdo. And I can live with that label.
Friday, April 07, 2006
Going to extremes
This is the story of my life, as far as what I doand who I am is concerned. I either make people love me or hate me. Friends reunited returns about 20%, the rest remember the wild lunatic who talked about bodily functions and stood outside the classroom more often than anyone else.
I am quieter now but the same underneath. I rebel in a controlled way, but for a positive reason. Not to destroy, but to remove the clouds from people's eyes. Rules are not there to help us but the people who make them more often than not. We are repressed and they are enriched, and often don't follow themselves (eg rich Communist party members). So I see many of these pointless situations and can't keep it quiet. The trouble is I'm either ignored or preach to the converted. Releasing one person is really a miracle but I want all that stuff to go rather than just change a few people to knowing the truth. My ego would love to be known as a great teacher as well, but that is a bonus and not my mission directly.
I did this all my life, as did my mother. The trouble is when you put yourself above (as in an aeroplane's view rather than a car) others they hate you for it. Unless you're advertised and people pay to watch you, just writing it on a blog just pisses most people off. Hard luck. Meanwhile I can't avoid telling the way it is as if I don't I'll be aware of people who are tied up and can't untie them, but have to tell them how to, but they don't usually believe they are.
It helps me as well as if the rules were gone my life would be easier as well.
Imagine no road restrictions (like before the 1970s) and no means tests for sickness benefits. Even stupid boring things like one insurance company who pays every claim as they take and give from the same people. Or even lots of companies doing that, as each claim would average out each way over time (statistical fact). There are more but I'd be arrested as even suggesting certain rules are wrong can be called inciting a crime. They know how to hide the keys to freedom well, by tying up laws so even suggesting we drop them is an offence. Bastards. But like a dripping stream I am slowly wearing them down, but could do with some help guys!
I am quieter now but the same underneath. I rebel in a controlled way, but for a positive reason. Not to destroy, but to remove the clouds from people's eyes. Rules are not there to help us but the people who make them more often than not. We are repressed and they are enriched, and often don't follow themselves (eg rich Communist party members). So I see many of these pointless situations and can't keep it quiet. The trouble is I'm either ignored or preach to the converted. Releasing one person is really a miracle but I want all that stuff to go rather than just change a few people to knowing the truth. My ego would love to be known as a great teacher as well, but that is a bonus and not my mission directly.
I did this all my life, as did my mother. The trouble is when you put yourself above (as in an aeroplane's view rather than a car) others they hate you for it. Unless you're advertised and people pay to watch you, just writing it on a blog just pisses most people off. Hard luck. Meanwhile I can't avoid telling the way it is as if I don't I'll be aware of people who are tied up and can't untie them, but have to tell them how to, but they don't usually believe they are.
It helps me as well as if the rules were gone my life would be easier as well.
Imagine no road restrictions (like before the 1970s) and no means tests for sickness benefits. Even stupid boring things like one insurance company who pays every claim as they take and give from the same people. Or even lots of companies doing that, as each claim would average out each way over time (statistical fact). There are more but I'd be arrested as even suggesting certain rules are wrong can be called inciting a crime. They know how to hide the keys to freedom well, by tying up laws so even suggesting we drop them is an offence. Bastards. But like a dripping stream I am slowly wearing them down, but could do with some help guys!
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Space and time
Strange how things can turn out. Last night I was so tired, not from actual lack of sleep but waking up on the alarm regularly. I just can't get used to it. So today, no alarm. I woke up 10am after a few hour's sleep and as far as I can tell when I needed the loo (again) it was 1pm with no further sleep.
Bollocks, I thought. But at least I got cracking on my bureaucracy that is desperately needed to fill in, and have done the worst of it now. Then thank goodness I was called to cancel something later on which I would probably have slept through. The alternative job wasn't on for today so I'm blogging now, with serious major housework to follow. Whether more kitchen items will be transferred to the new cupboards remains to be seen, but the paperwork's gathering dust, food splashes and cat fur so I'll be clearing more of that as well. Just a shame there's no one around while I'm doing it.
Anysonglyrics.com has gone bent, I logged on and they asked me to instal activeX or I couldn't use it. No active anything, I got Zango'd. I've had crap all over my computer before and got rid of it, but this sticks. It's write protected and I've been in the registry and cleaner and it makes no effect whatever I click. They must own the software that will remove it, at $19.95 a go. Not me thank you. But I'm on to those guy's ISP and report them, they are clearly deliberately infecting software and should get their ass kicked from there to hell and back. Bastards.
Otherwise this week has been demanding to say the least. Not including today, but more to come, it just seems to be another out of control period where I may as well ignore whatever's planned as it seems to come and go as it chooses. How many times I've arranged things and people pulled out, only once recently did one admit they just couldn't be bothered. If she'd said that the first time instead of saying she was booked up it would have been fine, but what's the problem choosing what we do with our all too limited time.
It's done to me so many times and I really couldn't give a damn, I always find other things to do, and so would anyone else, especially of you just say no rather than change your mind later on.
This isn't a philosophy theme today, it's exactly what's going on today reported soon after it happened.
Otherwise it's Iain Lee on the radio as usual, grandma and Mastermind on TV later, and the rest of the day is mine, though after 5 hours sleep I'm going nowhere except possibly the park. I did have a friend over last night to watch Arsenal take a team of 11 foreign players to the semi finals of the European cup for the first time in a highly exciting 0-0 draw. For this I pay £12 extra a month...
House arrest, Nelson Mandela, what's the most you could get out of being alone at home indefinitely with occasional visitors and no more? Reclusive living hasn't actually arrived yet but some days have elements of it. I wanted freedom, I lost two real actual jobs, and it's really nothing special as I'm on my own. It forces me to occupy myself with things that may be creative or trivial, but all my own efforts and ideas. Can I ever run out? No wonder I dream about hidden rooms and passages in my house, as at least there would be a bit of an adventure possible besides removing unwanted papers every month or two. And at my age I hate to imagine becoming like my late next door neighbour, who lost the will to live at 92, having lived nearly 20 years alone since his wife died. He was almost deaf by then, so struggled to keep a conversation, and eventually found it hard to walk as his back bent over and needed a carer to visit regularly. He was nearly 50 years older than me and I'm seeing similarities I don't like to see. Granted he was with his wife for years, and retired extremely young so probably had a good life, but I only knew him in the last 10 years. If he hadn't been deaf I'd have spent a lot longer talking with him than I did as he had stories about everyone and everything, and regardless of the age gap we had plenty to talk about. He spent the most time on his garden, which went all the way round his house, and still cut the hedges with shears. The new people I guarantee will do nothing to fix the garden in the time it's grown free, and probably quite busy enough together to bother with me, like all the others except one.
I'm really too tired to think beyond the present, or imagine if anything will be able to be improved. I am enjoying the totally unexpected freedom however, and finally also wonder how two models of England footballers could transfer themselves away from my shelf. I can't ask the cleaner as she wouldn't understand (what's Portuguese for 'fellatio' I wonder?) as given a choice between locating Andy Cole and Patrick Viera in plastic and a good 69 with her the 69 would always win. Thank goodness for blogs, who can edit this? Only me, and I'm not going to!
Bollocks, I thought. But at least I got cracking on my bureaucracy that is desperately needed to fill in, and have done the worst of it now. Then thank goodness I was called to cancel something later on which I would probably have slept through. The alternative job wasn't on for today so I'm blogging now, with serious major housework to follow. Whether more kitchen items will be transferred to the new cupboards remains to be seen, but the paperwork's gathering dust, food splashes and cat fur so I'll be clearing more of that as well. Just a shame there's no one around while I'm doing it.
Anysonglyrics.com has gone bent, I logged on and they asked me to instal activeX or I couldn't use it. No active anything, I got Zango'd. I've had crap all over my computer before and got rid of it, but this sticks. It's write protected and I've been in the registry and cleaner and it makes no effect whatever I click. They must own the software that will remove it, at $19.95 a go. Not me thank you. But I'm on to those guy's ISP and report them, they are clearly deliberately infecting software and should get their ass kicked from there to hell and back. Bastards.
Otherwise this week has been demanding to say the least. Not including today, but more to come, it just seems to be another out of control period where I may as well ignore whatever's planned as it seems to come and go as it chooses. How many times I've arranged things and people pulled out, only once recently did one admit they just couldn't be bothered. If she'd said that the first time instead of saying she was booked up it would have been fine, but what's the problem choosing what we do with our all too limited time.
It's done to me so many times and I really couldn't give a damn, I always find other things to do, and so would anyone else, especially of you just say no rather than change your mind later on.
This isn't a philosophy theme today, it's exactly what's going on today reported soon after it happened.
Otherwise it's Iain Lee on the radio as usual, grandma and Mastermind on TV later, and the rest of the day is mine, though after 5 hours sleep I'm going nowhere except possibly the park. I did have a friend over last night to watch Arsenal take a team of 11 foreign players to the semi finals of the European cup for the first time in a highly exciting 0-0 draw. For this I pay £12 extra a month...
House arrest, Nelson Mandela, what's the most you could get out of being alone at home indefinitely with occasional visitors and no more? Reclusive living hasn't actually arrived yet but some days have elements of it. I wanted freedom, I lost two real actual jobs, and it's really nothing special as I'm on my own. It forces me to occupy myself with things that may be creative or trivial, but all my own efforts and ideas. Can I ever run out? No wonder I dream about hidden rooms and passages in my house, as at least there would be a bit of an adventure possible besides removing unwanted papers every month or two. And at my age I hate to imagine becoming like my late next door neighbour, who lost the will to live at 92, having lived nearly 20 years alone since his wife died. He was almost deaf by then, so struggled to keep a conversation, and eventually found it hard to walk as his back bent over and needed a carer to visit regularly. He was nearly 50 years older than me and I'm seeing similarities I don't like to see. Granted he was with his wife for years, and retired extremely young so probably had a good life, but I only knew him in the last 10 years. If he hadn't been deaf I'd have spent a lot longer talking with him than I did as he had stories about everyone and everything, and regardless of the age gap we had plenty to talk about. He spent the most time on his garden, which went all the way round his house, and still cut the hedges with shears. The new people I guarantee will do nothing to fix the garden in the time it's grown free, and probably quite busy enough together to bother with me, like all the others except one.
I'm really too tired to think beyond the present, or imagine if anything will be able to be improved. I am enjoying the totally unexpected freedom however, and finally also wonder how two models of England footballers could transfer themselves away from my shelf. I can't ask the cleaner as she wouldn't understand (what's Portuguese for 'fellatio' I wonder?) as given a choice between locating Andy Cole and Patrick Viera in plastic and a good 69 with her the 69 would always win. Thank goodness for blogs, who can edit this? Only me, and I'm not going to!
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
Dreaming
One more off the rails here, it's become an additional freedom not just thinking of my forthcoming posts, but to leave them outside the limits, as reporting daily occurrences are so similar to others (whatever Tommy Boyd says) the elements of a dream should be introduced.
What I'd do if I had the say would be to take the flexibility of dreams, draw a line under any part that wasn't positive, and make my life the same as those. Every now and then it does happen, when coincidences fit too well, and sometimes I see someone who doesn't look 'quite right', as in not quite human. I need some consistency, so I can follow threads in life and not cut scenes randomly, so would keep that, but with the flexibility of flying, seeing at a distance and total safety within dreams, plus the restoration of losses. That includes injuries and hair loss, as well as items I'd lost or stopped being made long ago. Not to mention people, both dead and alive, who I meet all the time in dreams. Until then, I can only talk and think about it.
Sanity is about concensus reality, and within that criterion I can never leave it. My ramblings outside reality are all in my mind, and I'm only too aware the reality outside remains stubbornly fixed, almost as if in a freeze frame. Like when a computer freezes, when life outside appears to continue but my view of it sees a frozen frame. From here nothing is changing, and like a dream which is dreadful and negative, you find treasure only to wake up and find it was only in a dream, or even when you're dreaming realise 'hang on, this sort of thing only happens in dreams, sod it...'
Turn it around. Let things move again. I see the last 46 years gradually slowing down until they finally stopped altogether. Nothing that is done or happens outside affects me inside any more. Maybe I am frozen in my consciousness like a coma and everything going on outside may just as well be a hallucination. I can blame outside crap for some of it, but they are ripples within the same pond of inertia. It has ground to a halt, and despite sitting here with the sun shining through the window, Iain Lee introducing mainly the lowest possible level of humanity on the radio, the cat in front of me on the desk, and Arsenal ready to play in just over an hour, I feel I may as well be asleep. Everything I do of any use wears off as quickly as the highs I sometimes got from meditation, where you see the high come on and almost see it wear off as you realise it's there. There is nothing here to keep me high for long either. The dream has managed to take all the worst qualities of a dream while leaving out all but the tiniest positives as I've described already.
I've given up looking for answers, and almost given up trying to escape. There is no escape besides the classical financial method. On that point I just saw our family house up for sale after my 12 year exile. Where I belong and like seeing your ex wife's new husband be run over by a bus, know it's even worse as though she's now available again, it's not for you. More twists of a nightmare nature.
Tiredness continues, as whatever I do or don't do I still sleep longer than allowed nearly every day, and unlike 10 years ago feel it every day it happens.
Scientifically, it is true nearly all our symptoms go when asleep. Pain definitely does when not dreaming, and usually even when dreaming. So it means that even with toothache from a physical cause, you don't have to feel it. But wake up and it's back. A bit of a clue to a possible treatment (and one I read rather than worked out) as it means most of our symptoms can be disregarded if we could harness the mechanism we use every night to turn off all our symptoms. In dreams, we barely if at all feel any symptoms when ill, though we are conscious and thinking albeit at a lower level. But that tiredness or headache don't usually follow us there. Another clue. Hypnosis is the standard means to exploit that mechanism, but doesn't yet go nearly far enough.
So maybe the more static my world becomes outside, the more unregulated it becomes here, as if it may even start it off again by doing so. But at least I have no rules here (besides don't get myself arrested) so besides inciting crime or libelling anyone (like I would) I can make it like science fiction or a fairy story if I feel I'd rather have a bit of that than the scene I just described. No ufos out there, no entities floating around my office and no auras around anything.
Back to earth I've just got a £1 frame for my picture, which my mum said was too good to sell, and petrol has gone up about 12p a gallon since I last filled up so my car's almost empty as each garage I passed was a penny more so I haven't beaten the first offer I turned down, where I will have to go later tonight after all. So why do you think I prefer to dream...
What I'd do if I had the say would be to take the flexibility of dreams, draw a line under any part that wasn't positive, and make my life the same as those. Every now and then it does happen, when coincidences fit too well, and sometimes I see someone who doesn't look 'quite right', as in not quite human. I need some consistency, so I can follow threads in life and not cut scenes randomly, so would keep that, but with the flexibility of flying, seeing at a distance and total safety within dreams, plus the restoration of losses. That includes injuries and hair loss, as well as items I'd lost or stopped being made long ago. Not to mention people, both dead and alive, who I meet all the time in dreams. Until then, I can only talk and think about it.
Sanity is about concensus reality, and within that criterion I can never leave it. My ramblings outside reality are all in my mind, and I'm only too aware the reality outside remains stubbornly fixed, almost as if in a freeze frame. Like when a computer freezes, when life outside appears to continue but my view of it sees a frozen frame. From here nothing is changing, and like a dream which is dreadful and negative, you find treasure only to wake up and find it was only in a dream, or even when you're dreaming realise 'hang on, this sort of thing only happens in dreams, sod it...'
Turn it around. Let things move again. I see the last 46 years gradually slowing down until they finally stopped altogether. Nothing that is done or happens outside affects me inside any more. Maybe I am frozen in my consciousness like a coma and everything going on outside may just as well be a hallucination. I can blame outside crap for some of it, but they are ripples within the same pond of inertia. It has ground to a halt, and despite sitting here with the sun shining through the window, Iain Lee introducing mainly the lowest possible level of humanity on the radio, the cat in front of me on the desk, and Arsenal ready to play in just over an hour, I feel I may as well be asleep. Everything I do of any use wears off as quickly as the highs I sometimes got from meditation, where you see the high come on and almost see it wear off as you realise it's there. There is nothing here to keep me high for long either. The dream has managed to take all the worst qualities of a dream while leaving out all but the tiniest positives as I've described already.
I've given up looking for answers, and almost given up trying to escape. There is no escape besides the classical financial method. On that point I just saw our family house up for sale after my 12 year exile. Where I belong and like seeing your ex wife's new husband be run over by a bus, know it's even worse as though she's now available again, it's not for you. More twists of a nightmare nature.
Tiredness continues, as whatever I do or don't do I still sleep longer than allowed nearly every day, and unlike 10 years ago feel it every day it happens.
Scientifically, it is true nearly all our symptoms go when asleep. Pain definitely does when not dreaming, and usually even when dreaming. So it means that even with toothache from a physical cause, you don't have to feel it. But wake up and it's back. A bit of a clue to a possible treatment (and one I read rather than worked out) as it means most of our symptoms can be disregarded if we could harness the mechanism we use every night to turn off all our symptoms. In dreams, we barely if at all feel any symptoms when ill, though we are conscious and thinking albeit at a lower level. But that tiredness or headache don't usually follow us there. Another clue. Hypnosis is the standard means to exploit that mechanism, but doesn't yet go nearly far enough.
So maybe the more static my world becomes outside, the more unregulated it becomes here, as if it may even start it off again by doing so. But at least I have no rules here (besides don't get myself arrested) so besides inciting crime or libelling anyone (like I would) I can make it like science fiction or a fairy story if I feel I'd rather have a bit of that than the scene I just described. No ufos out there, no entities floating around my office and no auras around anything.
Back to earth I've just got a £1 frame for my picture, which my mum said was too good to sell, and petrol has gone up about 12p a gallon since I last filled up so my car's almost empty as each garage I passed was a penny more so I haven't beaten the first offer I turned down, where I will have to go later tonight after all. So why do you think I prefer to dream...
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Over the top
Gone too far? Over the top? Good! Glad I still have it in me! The internet is maybe the only place we can be free to say whatever we like and be heard without being persecuted physically, and it's only an exploration of ideas rather than trying to convert anyone. But encouraged by the comment, I can only break more boundaries as they are only there to keep us down and hope I can inspire more who read to be open, free and honest.
And at least it showed me I still have a few readers, the comments have been very rare recently.
So which sacred cow can I attack today? There's a mantra which says 'Aham Brahma asmi'- I am God. The theory being what you focus on you become. I'll leave that in the air and let you think on it. And who knows, maybe it will happen?
So take advantage of the freedom, let go, and instead of going 'too far', go even further. Infinite. How far can we go? Maybe the challenge has shown me to push the limits, and with every entry upset, embarrass, shock and surprise as many people as possible. Until it stops doing that and maybe they perceive an element of beauty or art amongst the apparent drivel and chaos. For like the lotus flower lives in the muddiest water and a pearl is in an oyster, a way to hide anything is to surround it by (what looks like) something else. Just a possibility.
The psychedelic post was inspired and freed a part of the mind that beneath the layers of anxiety and stress still believed in magic. The hippies all shared that belief and how they lost it is anyone's guess. The majority took over and left us in isolated ones and twos across the western world and India, but now with the internet we're beginning to find each other again, and coalesce, and find that there really are some left scattered around who never changed, who never lost it, but maintained that current for 40 years.
What's the point of repeating the same old versions of life we all have to endure one way or another every day when there is an aspect to each of us that is, as Carla said, unique, original. Maybe most other people just aren't in touch with it much, or choose to exploit it, but above that is the ability to see the bigger picture, and maybe some people can only have the width of vision they were given by nature, and that cannot be expanded. No one's fault, I can't grow any taller, so what? It's how I was made and the same goes for minds. It's not a pissing contest, it's a test of vision. One where only others can be the judges. It's pretty risky to go out there and put it out for all to see, but I have nothing left to gain by hiding it, so out it came, balls and all.
So, sorry if I offended anyone (which was fully expected and only hoped, as it turned out, no one responded with words of four letters), but rather than try and put me back in my box, why not get a blog yourself if you don't already and write about how special you are. You may find something amazing when you do.
Write from the heart, only write the best things about yourself and don't hold back. Then maybe the real you that's been hiding behind the facade of conformity for so long may emerge and surprise everyone. Far better than moaning as well isn't it?
And at least it showed me I still have a few readers, the comments have been very rare recently.
So which sacred cow can I attack today? There's a mantra which says 'Aham Brahma asmi'- I am God. The theory being what you focus on you become. I'll leave that in the air and let you think on it. And who knows, maybe it will happen?
So take advantage of the freedom, let go, and instead of going 'too far', go even further. Infinite. How far can we go? Maybe the challenge has shown me to push the limits, and with every entry upset, embarrass, shock and surprise as many people as possible. Until it stops doing that and maybe they perceive an element of beauty or art amongst the apparent drivel and chaos. For like the lotus flower lives in the muddiest water and a pearl is in an oyster, a way to hide anything is to surround it by (what looks like) something else. Just a possibility.
The psychedelic post was inspired and freed a part of the mind that beneath the layers of anxiety and stress still believed in magic. The hippies all shared that belief and how they lost it is anyone's guess. The majority took over and left us in isolated ones and twos across the western world and India, but now with the internet we're beginning to find each other again, and coalesce, and find that there really are some left scattered around who never changed, who never lost it, but maintained that current for 40 years.
What's the point of repeating the same old versions of life we all have to endure one way or another every day when there is an aspect to each of us that is, as Carla said, unique, original. Maybe most other people just aren't in touch with it much, or choose to exploit it, but above that is the ability to see the bigger picture, and maybe some people can only have the width of vision they were given by nature, and that cannot be expanded. No one's fault, I can't grow any taller, so what? It's how I was made and the same goes for minds. It's not a pissing contest, it's a test of vision. One where only others can be the judges. It's pretty risky to go out there and put it out for all to see, but I have nothing left to gain by hiding it, so out it came, balls and all.
So, sorry if I offended anyone (which was fully expected and only hoped, as it turned out, no one responded with words of four letters), but rather than try and put me back in my box, why not get a blog yourself if you don't already and write about how special you are. You may find something amazing when you do.
Write from the heart, only write the best things about yourself and don't hold back. Then maybe the real you that's been hiding behind the facade of conformity for so long may emerge and surprise everyone. Far better than moaning as well isn't it?
Sunday, April 02, 2006
Am I special?
-------------------------------------------------Am I special?------------------------------------------------
This is an honest question, and one that has occurred to me over the years, but more so since I’ve been writing a lot more and seeing how things fit together. I’m not suffering from delusions of grandeur, I just seem to have a higher understanding of life in general (and the ability to communicate it) than nearly everyone else I come across.
I’ll quickly outline excellence. There are various apparent forms, but in fact they are not all the same by any means (another way I am demonstrating my own understanding). I am not including people who have studied four plus years and are experts in their profession. They are simply talented and well trained. No, I am referring to the Indian boy who at 12 understands more about cancer than the world’s apparent experts who still kill thousands of people a year with chemotherapy. Very gifted…Kevin Ashman, the world’s quiz expert who pissed on every opponent in every quiz known to Britain with no exceptions, and now writes the questions.
People who are not taught but actually find the things they do easy and just need a little training and practice to become reliable. I was counselling (with good results) at 13. I realised I’d like to earn money from what I saw as stating the obvious, and studied to be paid rather than learn counselling. I worked nearly all of that out myself and though I can now give what I am doing a name, and stopped me from frightening off clients with common mistakes, I basically still point out (as John Cleese called it) the bleedin’ obvious. As counselling covers every aspect of life, it means I see life as a system of activity where all parts fit together, and I now feel I see how every aspect fits in total. Why each part of life happens, and how it interacts with the others.
So, self-praise is no praise, and I often feel delusional when I need no one to tell me I’m special, rather to prove it to others what I already knew for some time, and then have it confirmed. Is it true or is it ego? One or two do suspect (well, Sharon at least) but though I do get compliments on my academic and communication ability, something needs to elevate me beyond the average academic to a recognition the insight I know I have. Here is the scientific side I can demonstrate. When I converse with other professionals and academics, most, outside their own field, are no cleverer than anyone else. I’m not a genius as that was also tested, but whatever quality it is is not shared by most people just because they passed a list of exams. You need no exams for this quality, though it’s hard not to pass them as a result. But not all people with this quality bother to get that far and still inspire and teach others throughout their lives despite having no profession or qualifications.
So, despite my own personal circumstances and health, which are just as much given by ‘grace’ as my abilities, my understanding is there. And one sign of a version of savantism is most of the time these things are obvious to me yet confound (apparently) government and university researchers. I then realised (as someone honest and direct like the average 4 year old) that these guys make a lot of money for research, and therefore would be just as happy to pretend to spend a year working out why farts smell or women but not men can give birth. That’s a shame, as it gave me the impression these guys were thick when in fact they’re just bastards milking the system while creating nothing. But either way there are still people amongst research who either can’t or can hack it, and far fewer who can than you’d think otherwise they’d be researching original and unknown questions rather than why children with poor parents wear cheaper trainers.
So with no money for it and no backing of any sort, I write wherever I can, and without even needing to prove my findings with experiments (which are extremely expensive anyway) as I have already said, I just know many things. If something feels right it usually is, whether you work it out or hear it. So what I now need is external validation, as being subjective with few people saying whether they think I’m somehow special (mainly as people rarely comment full stop except serial insulters), as the sneaking suspicion has been nudging me more and more until I had to come out and go public. If I’m not, fine. It means I never was so haven’t lost anything by it. But if I am I shouldn’t be wasted being heard by a few hundred people online and in private journals. I ought at least to write in a paper or be on TV somehow. That’s when you do need a degree. Will Self and Toby Young are bright sparks I knew personally, but without their degrees would have been unlikely to be used despite their talents. General knowledge/understanding has no degree. A degree just tells an employer you may not be putting it on.
I couldn’t finish up without looking east. Sages, mystics and gurus are just that there. They don’t need to study much more than yoga, but the teachers often didn’t, having those abilities already. You have in all disciplines the majority who teach and the minority who discover what they teach first. I am a discoverer. I find a pattern, then look for evidence to prove it. Others don’t know, and test every possible variation to find out what I’d worked out from naïve observation. Why I am special. And it can be very frustrating as people doubt what you know if you can’t back it up with experimental results.
Spiritual/new age beliefs will explain it, based on the modern teachings of Yogananda, who said we can all do anything just by tuning in to it. It’s just some are better at it than others and we all have the potential. He offered his ancient kriya yoga as a way to do this, but had the abilities already with no yoga, as most true gurus do. His reason for yoga was to then become enlightened, which he did.
Maybe all the stress I’ve suffered in the last year has been to get me used to every possible dire condition so I can’t fear the unknown, having ‘been there’ already, and seen what to do when I am. The mental scars are still open, but have closed for periods recently so may be able to fade enough to live without them in my constant front or background awareness. But even with agoraphobia the Indian gurus like Sai Baba can still work from home, and mine comes and goes so not total. One final point is the best understanding I have seen elsewhere is by TV writers. They can weave every aspect of common human situations into their dramas, and then ways of dealing with and solving them. And they need no qualifications. The only problem is they present it as entertainment, and few realise it’s also valid as an example of real human life, except when they deliberately introduce an issue in and then offer a helpline number.
But I’ve reached the stage where my wish to know has exceeded my humility, and I have to find out from others now, however long it takes, whether I am deluded or actually as talented as I believe I could be. I literally see life around me as a flock of unruly sheep that needs a sheepdog to guide it into shape. People forced or brainwashed into self-destructive lifestyles, believing lies and being stopped from enjoying life from religious and legal restrictions. I can look ahead and in most cases see the ‘damage’ that will come from them doing the opposite, and this damage is to their captors, not to themselves. I could get prosecuted for incitement in some cases if I was too specific, so have to keep limits but I still know what is not necessary and why. Not an experiment around, beyond hearing from people who did ignore the rules and grew dramatically as people as a result. We know the truth but 99%+ of the world doesn’t know, and most don’t even care.
As an afterthought, it would be nice to have one or two others like me to share with so I don’t feel like a teacher so much of the time with no adults to talk to outside my pupils. I have friends and peers, but they are for pleasure rather than academic reasons, and really need to bounce my ideas off someone else with the same intuition who can see the big picture. Tommy Boyd is one, but I’ve seen him get it wrong twice now (1) saying I blog for publicity and 2) dismissing alien life) so even he has opened a few holes despite probably being a genius. I get it wrong a lot as well, as I am not a professional in anyone else’s profession, and whatever I study, do need sufficient information and can get one view until information comes along to add to it. But once the hidden information is revealed I will incorporate it where lesser minds dismiss it. That includes saying ‘There isn’t enough information to know’.
The is a Dr Carl (don’t know his last name) from Sydney (not the fictional one in Neighbours) I just heard at 3am on the radio (what a waste) who knows as much as every scientist on earth apparently. He knows every scientific question off the top of his head and is clearly the top of his own profession. But it’s odd when I find mentors and role models and then find I’ve overtaken even them (Tommy, not Carl that is). I know one other friend like me but he has drifted into a combination of a mental repetitive tape on advaita philosophy (despite denouncing it a few years ago) and overeating. And he said (an opinion I can trust) that despite my lack of social skills the one thing I can rely on is my intellect, though being a fellow Jew used it as an insult as he said that would block my enlightenment. But he saw it. The time has come to see once and for all whether it’s real or imagination, so I know where to go next, follow it up or forget about it. And unless I make my own amazing original discovery I can’t know this one on my own.
This is an honest question, and one that has occurred to me over the years, but more so since I’ve been writing a lot more and seeing how things fit together. I’m not suffering from delusions of grandeur, I just seem to have a higher understanding of life in general (and the ability to communicate it) than nearly everyone else I come across.
I’ll quickly outline excellence. There are various apparent forms, but in fact they are not all the same by any means (another way I am demonstrating my own understanding). I am not including people who have studied four plus years and are experts in their profession. They are simply talented and well trained. No, I am referring to the Indian boy who at 12 understands more about cancer than the world’s apparent experts who still kill thousands of people a year with chemotherapy. Very gifted…Kevin Ashman, the world’s quiz expert who pissed on every opponent in every quiz known to Britain with no exceptions, and now writes the questions.
People who are not taught but actually find the things they do easy and just need a little training and practice to become reliable. I was counselling (with good results) at 13. I realised I’d like to earn money from what I saw as stating the obvious, and studied to be paid rather than learn counselling. I worked nearly all of that out myself and though I can now give what I am doing a name, and stopped me from frightening off clients with common mistakes, I basically still point out (as John Cleese called it) the bleedin’ obvious. As counselling covers every aspect of life, it means I see life as a system of activity where all parts fit together, and I now feel I see how every aspect fits in total. Why each part of life happens, and how it interacts with the others.
So, self-praise is no praise, and I often feel delusional when I need no one to tell me I’m special, rather to prove it to others what I already knew for some time, and then have it confirmed. Is it true or is it ego? One or two do suspect (well, Sharon at least) but though I do get compliments on my academic and communication ability, something needs to elevate me beyond the average academic to a recognition the insight I know I have. Here is the scientific side I can demonstrate. When I converse with other professionals and academics, most, outside their own field, are no cleverer than anyone else. I’m not a genius as that was also tested, but whatever quality it is is not shared by most people just because they passed a list of exams. You need no exams for this quality, though it’s hard not to pass them as a result. But not all people with this quality bother to get that far and still inspire and teach others throughout their lives despite having no profession or qualifications.
So, despite my own personal circumstances and health, which are just as much given by ‘grace’ as my abilities, my understanding is there. And one sign of a version of savantism is most of the time these things are obvious to me yet confound (apparently) government and university researchers. I then realised (as someone honest and direct like the average 4 year old) that these guys make a lot of money for research, and therefore would be just as happy to pretend to spend a year working out why farts smell or women but not men can give birth. That’s a shame, as it gave me the impression these guys were thick when in fact they’re just bastards milking the system while creating nothing. But either way there are still people amongst research who either can’t or can hack it, and far fewer who can than you’d think otherwise they’d be researching original and unknown questions rather than why children with poor parents wear cheaper trainers.
So with no money for it and no backing of any sort, I write wherever I can, and without even needing to prove my findings with experiments (which are extremely expensive anyway) as I have already said, I just know many things. If something feels right it usually is, whether you work it out or hear it. So what I now need is external validation, as being subjective with few people saying whether they think I’m somehow special (mainly as people rarely comment full stop except serial insulters), as the sneaking suspicion has been nudging me more and more until I had to come out and go public. If I’m not, fine. It means I never was so haven’t lost anything by it. But if I am I shouldn’t be wasted being heard by a few hundred people online and in private journals. I ought at least to write in a paper or be on TV somehow. That’s when you do need a degree. Will Self and Toby Young are bright sparks I knew personally, but without their degrees would have been unlikely to be used despite their talents. General knowledge/understanding has no degree. A degree just tells an employer you may not be putting it on.
I couldn’t finish up without looking east. Sages, mystics and gurus are just that there. They don’t need to study much more than yoga, but the teachers often didn’t, having those abilities already. You have in all disciplines the majority who teach and the minority who discover what they teach first. I am a discoverer. I find a pattern, then look for evidence to prove it. Others don’t know, and test every possible variation to find out what I’d worked out from naïve observation. Why I am special. And it can be very frustrating as people doubt what you know if you can’t back it up with experimental results.
Spiritual/new age beliefs will explain it, based on the modern teachings of Yogananda, who said we can all do anything just by tuning in to it. It’s just some are better at it than others and we all have the potential. He offered his ancient kriya yoga as a way to do this, but had the abilities already with no yoga, as most true gurus do. His reason for yoga was to then become enlightened, which he did.
Maybe all the stress I’ve suffered in the last year has been to get me used to every possible dire condition so I can’t fear the unknown, having ‘been there’ already, and seen what to do when I am. The mental scars are still open, but have closed for periods recently so may be able to fade enough to live without them in my constant front or background awareness. But even with agoraphobia the Indian gurus like Sai Baba can still work from home, and mine comes and goes so not total. One final point is the best understanding I have seen elsewhere is by TV writers. They can weave every aspect of common human situations into their dramas, and then ways of dealing with and solving them. And they need no qualifications. The only problem is they present it as entertainment, and few realise it’s also valid as an example of real human life, except when they deliberately introduce an issue in and then offer a helpline number.
But I’ve reached the stage where my wish to know has exceeded my humility, and I have to find out from others now, however long it takes, whether I am deluded or actually as talented as I believe I could be. I literally see life around me as a flock of unruly sheep that needs a sheepdog to guide it into shape. People forced or brainwashed into self-destructive lifestyles, believing lies and being stopped from enjoying life from religious and legal restrictions. I can look ahead and in most cases see the ‘damage’ that will come from them doing the opposite, and this damage is to their captors, not to themselves. I could get prosecuted for incitement in some cases if I was too specific, so have to keep limits but I still know what is not necessary and why. Not an experiment around, beyond hearing from people who did ignore the rules and grew dramatically as people as a result. We know the truth but 99%+ of the world doesn’t know, and most don’t even care.
As an afterthought, it would be nice to have one or two others like me to share with so I don’t feel like a teacher so much of the time with no adults to talk to outside my pupils. I have friends and peers, but they are for pleasure rather than academic reasons, and really need to bounce my ideas off someone else with the same intuition who can see the big picture. Tommy Boyd is one, but I’ve seen him get it wrong twice now (1) saying I blog for publicity and 2) dismissing alien life) so even he has opened a few holes despite probably being a genius. I get it wrong a lot as well, as I am not a professional in anyone else’s profession, and whatever I study, do need sufficient information and can get one view until information comes along to add to it. But once the hidden information is revealed I will incorporate it where lesser minds dismiss it. That includes saying ‘There isn’t enough information to know’.
The is a Dr Carl (don’t know his last name) from Sydney (not the fictional one in Neighbours) I just heard at 3am on the radio (what a waste) who knows as much as every scientist on earth apparently. He knows every scientific question off the top of his head and is clearly the top of his own profession. But it’s odd when I find mentors and role models and then find I’ve overtaken even them (Tommy, not Carl that is). I know one other friend like me but he has drifted into a combination of a mental repetitive tape on advaita philosophy (despite denouncing it a few years ago) and overeating. And he said (an opinion I can trust) that despite my lack of social skills the one thing I can rely on is my intellect, though being a fellow Jew used it as an insult as he said that would block my enlightenment. But he saw it. The time has come to see once and for all whether it’s real or imagination, so I know where to go next, follow it up or forget about it. And unless I make my own amazing original discovery I can’t know this one on my own.
Saturday, April 01, 2006
The devil makes work...
When a moment hits when nothing fits the first thought is 'how long will it last?'. Tired (had to wake up on the alarm yet again today) and bored (was going for a walk before it rained), and even feeling guilty listening to person after werson who actually has a job.
Then you get anxiety (these tablets are good with the symptoms but don't really seem to calm the fear ahead like the others did, which is clearly a fault within the brain chemistry) and though I am fairly free now there's little to do with it and no one to share it with. So I actually wrote here not actually to complain, but to see if I could rearrange anything by laying it out in writing.
Ideally this room would not be one I used alone. I'd like to share it with someone, show them things on the computer, have their things on the desk and talk while I was on the internet.
Some fucking chance of that isn't there...
So given what I have, a house designed to provide as many occupations as possible for a single person, like a lighthouse keeper, and just enough space to contain it all, there isn't (besides the walk I may take after doing this) anywhere worth going outside either (until I go to the gym). But the gym is 99% business rather than pleasure. After 3 1/2 years I have started to show the signs of a dedicated visitor, but only the beginnings. And then only if I take my shirt off or have to lift something heavy. Neither of which happen very often, especially in freezing weather like we usually have.
So many people appear to hang out on funtrivia like I do as that is the best and most reliable place to go when you've got nothing to do. Fine, but would be nice to have both.
I have realised that there's no need to do something special every so often so you can keep up with your peers. Holidays, shows, lectures, how many people end up doing them more to tell people they've done it than actually because they liked it?
For me, it's enough effort doing them at all nowadays, so it's more or less something pretty damn special before I'll go anywhere like that, and the bonus is I can talk about it afterwards, as well as being pleased myself I managed it. The only one I would have done more was when Uri Geller did his show at Kempton Park. He started in 2001 at the Mind body and spirit festival, and again in 2002, and I hoped it would be annual but maybe he fell out with them as the year after he stopped though he still does plenty of other venues.
Though the show never changes it's Uri Geller and each time I see him do his thing it inspires me. Now he says he won't even say if he's genuine or not, which sort of ruins the old story he was gifted and special. Now he's opened the possibility everything that inspired me from 12 onwards was bollocks.
He's not the only person who's done psychokinesis, and the two others I know of and seen claim to be 100% genuine, one to the extent he refuses to waste his talents doing something that trivial. Surprising how some people take for granted what to every person in the universe except them is a miracle. If it ever was.
Oddly though (oops, the shift key came into operation there) I am not feeling free and happy after getting all my jobs out of the way last week. Yesterday I felt like it should have been my funeral I was at, mentally more than physically, and today is just averagely dead. As ex-prisoners confirm, even being let out of prison isn't so great if you go back to very little. And to quote Alice Morgan from the 80s, I have every right to complain despite my relative affluence (ie I own my own house). It's no pleasure having the things you need, I am lacking the things I want.
I wanted Alice Morgan as well, but all I got was her advice. She was a punk from a broken family who lived like a gipsy, scrounging food and favours from anyone and everyone she could (including a solid week from me) and once I drove her 100 miles and dropped her home never heard from her again. Kind of sums up nearly every woman I liked since then. I wonder if they are all still single as they basically just don't want anyone else? Wouldn't surprise me. All over 30 and no sign of a man wherever you look. Just to goddamn self centred to need one. One had Jesus, another had alcohol, and some were even content simply listening to the voices in their head.
I wonder how many people think I exagerrate for effect here. If only. Sometimes I tone it down so I don't scare anyone off. The number of people who seem OK, until they mention one thing that puts them off the track. It never puts me off them, as I couldn't care less about someone's weirdness as long as they're good company. It puts them off me as their obsession is above other people. Other people appear not to matter to them except when they need something. Alice, and all the others since. One wanted my soul, one wanted to be out of it, and another was more interested in her own inner world. Impossible to compete with what has been laughingly referred to as 'being too set in their ways'. One at least was sadly so set in her ways they had to lock her up. What a waste. Even my friendship wasn't good enough for most of them. At best (actually no better than being dropped altogether) I'd here from a couple every time they had a legal problem (not that I'm totally qualified, but being free makes up for that), and that's it.
Men with nothing to offer in the brains or personality department will never suffer from that. If a woman calls them there's only one thing they can get, so they do. With me, that's the last thing on their minds most of the time.
I've had no feedback from my 'shopping list', (surprise surprise) and I am desperate to know (assuming I will not change) if I am impossible to form a relationship with? If you compare other couples, most women want excitement. That includes fights, deception, unreliability etc., which counts me out. No excitement here, unless you include impressions of Bruce Forsyth. I am not a man who makes a woman feel alive. Most women see me as the father they wished they have, even the older ones. And what is the last thing they want to do with their father? You got it.
Catch 22. Have a brain, wisdom and patience and every woman who wants a good time goes elsewhere. So I keep painting, taking photos and even now going on TV occasionally, all good stuff but ought to be within a relationship rather than instead of one.
I also dreamt I was telling a woman this last night, who may have ended up filling the gap after understanding what I meant. I only remember as the phone woke me up with a message of someone playing tunes on the keypad and speaking German. No, I never took acid last night...
Then you get anxiety (these tablets are good with the symptoms but don't really seem to calm the fear ahead like the others did, which is clearly a fault within the brain chemistry) and though I am fairly free now there's little to do with it and no one to share it with. So I actually wrote here not actually to complain, but to see if I could rearrange anything by laying it out in writing.
Ideally this room would not be one I used alone. I'd like to share it with someone, show them things on the computer, have their things on the desk and talk while I was on the internet.
Some fucking chance of that isn't there...
So given what I have, a house designed to provide as many occupations as possible for a single person, like a lighthouse keeper, and just enough space to contain it all, there isn't (besides the walk I may take after doing this) anywhere worth going outside either (until I go to the gym). But the gym is 99% business rather than pleasure. After 3 1/2 years I have started to show the signs of a dedicated visitor, but only the beginnings. And then only if I take my shirt off or have to lift something heavy. Neither of which happen very often, especially in freezing weather like we usually have.
So many people appear to hang out on funtrivia like I do as that is the best and most reliable place to go when you've got nothing to do. Fine, but would be nice to have both.
I have realised that there's no need to do something special every so often so you can keep up with your peers. Holidays, shows, lectures, how many people end up doing them more to tell people they've done it than actually because they liked it?
For me, it's enough effort doing them at all nowadays, so it's more or less something pretty damn special before I'll go anywhere like that, and the bonus is I can talk about it afterwards, as well as being pleased myself I managed it. The only one I would have done more was when Uri Geller did his show at Kempton Park. He started in 2001 at the Mind body and spirit festival, and again in 2002, and I hoped it would be annual but maybe he fell out with them as the year after he stopped though he still does plenty of other venues.
Though the show never changes it's Uri Geller and each time I see him do his thing it inspires me. Now he says he won't even say if he's genuine or not, which sort of ruins the old story he was gifted and special. Now he's opened the possibility everything that inspired me from 12 onwards was bollocks.
He's not the only person who's done psychokinesis, and the two others I know of and seen claim to be 100% genuine, one to the extent he refuses to waste his talents doing something that trivial. Surprising how some people take for granted what to every person in the universe except them is a miracle. If it ever was.
Oddly though (oops, the shift key came into operation there) I am not feeling free and happy after getting all my jobs out of the way last week. Yesterday I felt like it should have been my funeral I was at, mentally more than physically, and today is just averagely dead. As ex-prisoners confirm, even being let out of prison isn't so great if you go back to very little. And to quote Alice Morgan from the 80s, I have every right to complain despite my relative affluence (ie I own my own house). It's no pleasure having the things you need, I am lacking the things I want.
I wanted Alice Morgan as well, but all I got was her advice. She was a punk from a broken family who lived like a gipsy, scrounging food and favours from anyone and everyone she could (including a solid week from me) and once I drove her 100 miles and dropped her home never heard from her again. Kind of sums up nearly every woman I liked since then. I wonder if they are all still single as they basically just don't want anyone else? Wouldn't surprise me. All over 30 and no sign of a man wherever you look. Just to goddamn self centred to need one. One had Jesus, another had alcohol, and some were even content simply listening to the voices in their head.
I wonder how many people think I exagerrate for effect here. If only. Sometimes I tone it down so I don't scare anyone off. The number of people who seem OK, until they mention one thing that puts them off the track. It never puts me off them, as I couldn't care less about someone's weirdness as long as they're good company. It puts them off me as their obsession is above other people. Other people appear not to matter to them except when they need something. Alice, and all the others since. One wanted my soul, one wanted to be out of it, and another was more interested in her own inner world. Impossible to compete with what has been laughingly referred to as 'being too set in their ways'. One at least was sadly so set in her ways they had to lock her up. What a waste. Even my friendship wasn't good enough for most of them. At best (actually no better than being dropped altogether) I'd here from a couple every time they had a legal problem (not that I'm totally qualified, but being free makes up for that), and that's it.
Men with nothing to offer in the brains or personality department will never suffer from that. If a woman calls them there's only one thing they can get, so they do. With me, that's the last thing on their minds most of the time.
I've had no feedback from my 'shopping list', (surprise surprise) and I am desperate to know (assuming I will not change) if I am impossible to form a relationship with? If you compare other couples, most women want excitement. That includes fights, deception, unreliability etc., which counts me out. No excitement here, unless you include impressions of Bruce Forsyth. I am not a man who makes a woman feel alive. Most women see me as the father they wished they have, even the older ones. And what is the last thing they want to do with their father? You got it.
Catch 22. Have a brain, wisdom and patience and every woman who wants a good time goes elsewhere. So I keep painting, taking photos and even now going on TV occasionally, all good stuff but ought to be within a relationship rather than instead of one.
I also dreamt I was telling a woman this last night, who may have ended up filling the gap after understanding what I meant. I only remember as the phone woke me up with a message of someone playing tunes on the keypad and speaking German. No, I never took acid last night...
Psychedelic
Think and let your mind go free. Open the barriers of the spirit that hold back the love and light outside. Dreams and life overlap somewhere, while we dream we still experience, so why not bring the dreams into life as well?
This is a free page unlike the others. I am not lecturing or teaching or reporting. This is a trip I am taking on a page that may lead outside the normal limits of writing and experiencing. The hippies knew something and whatever they knew has its seeds in their music and pictures, and you feel an echo of it as you listen to the Moody Blues, as I did when I wrote this before.
Let all imagined limits go, what may lie beyond is what we miss so much here, whether we feel it, know it or just dream about it, it should be there. LSD trips are not a good route, but may be a dangerous way to see what is around us all but beyond our vision. Life will never be the same, so many people say after any spiritual experience. They have been outside and whether they find their way back again or not, they know. And few if any don't prefer it. Look at the art, listen to the music. That doesn't shout 'nightmare', it tells me 'fairyland'.
Mad? If you tell someone there's a place we can't see, hear, feel, or locate we're either mad or very lucky. But where and why do they exist? Wherever it is, people seem to agree about its landscape. It's a wonderful place of half men half animals, light and music with no visible source, colours unseen on earth, no time as we know it, and loving beings who can tell us many things we can't find out here. No wonder so many people take dreadful risks (as I have as well) trying desperately to find this place. Who wouldn't if they didn't resonate with every report they heard?
Escapism? If you were in a prison, what would you want to do? Accept that was the best you could do and start decorating the walls I suppose. Well that's what every normal guy does. And us nutcases want a little more, occasionally we even see tiny cracks in solid reality. If we do, we no longer imagine the possibility like Peter Pan, we know something's up. You can't accept three dimensions when you've seen more. No maps, no guides and shamans and voodoo priests only offer deadly routes. The magic is here sometimes, but probably there always, heaven as reported by those still alive when they passed over. Hell is surely here, why not both? Just opposite ends of the spectrum, and all available now to those who get there by chance or direction.
Moody Blues captured some of that feeling, which started this off here, but any 60s inspired creation has a bit of it as well. I am drawn to all of that not from nostalgia but as my link with heaven. Why on earth not? Heaven isn't risky, you can't lose, you can't get it wrong, everything you do has the best possible outcome and you're never alone unless you choose to be. You understand and know everything and everyone else does as well. As they all share the one mind they can all access, but through their own being. Tell me it's rubbish, but it still makes a good story. But even a fairy story inspires. And why so many about hidden worlds where people fly and talk to animals. Was C.S. Lewis on acid when he wrote Narnia or Lewis Carroll when he followed Alice to similar dimensions? I doubt it. Some people just know, or feel it somehow. They end up entertaining children, but some of those children grow up as inspired adults, just wondering if there was more to those places than imagination.
Of course there is. Even going there in dreams is real when I'm there, and I still have the memory as with all the others afterwards. I trip out by listening to music, looking at pictures and thinking of the times I was almost there. I won't get far like that but I'm looking through the bars wondering whether there's a hidden door or loose window somewhere I can't find yet. From within an infinite wall I look outside infinity for the freedom outside. May I never come down once I get there. Amen.
This is a free page unlike the others. I am not lecturing or teaching or reporting. This is a trip I am taking on a page that may lead outside the normal limits of writing and experiencing. The hippies knew something and whatever they knew has its seeds in their music and pictures, and you feel an echo of it as you listen to the Moody Blues, as I did when I wrote this before.
Let all imagined limits go, what may lie beyond is what we miss so much here, whether we feel it, know it or just dream about it, it should be there. LSD trips are not a good route, but may be a dangerous way to see what is around us all but beyond our vision. Life will never be the same, so many people say after any spiritual experience. They have been outside and whether they find their way back again or not, they know. And few if any don't prefer it. Look at the art, listen to the music. That doesn't shout 'nightmare', it tells me 'fairyland'.
Mad? If you tell someone there's a place we can't see, hear, feel, or locate we're either mad or very lucky. But where and why do they exist? Wherever it is, people seem to agree about its landscape. It's a wonderful place of half men half animals, light and music with no visible source, colours unseen on earth, no time as we know it, and loving beings who can tell us many things we can't find out here. No wonder so many people take dreadful risks (as I have as well) trying desperately to find this place. Who wouldn't if they didn't resonate with every report they heard?
Escapism? If you were in a prison, what would you want to do? Accept that was the best you could do and start decorating the walls I suppose. Well that's what every normal guy does. And us nutcases want a little more, occasionally we even see tiny cracks in solid reality. If we do, we no longer imagine the possibility like Peter Pan, we know something's up. You can't accept three dimensions when you've seen more. No maps, no guides and shamans and voodoo priests only offer deadly routes. The magic is here sometimes, but probably there always, heaven as reported by those still alive when they passed over. Hell is surely here, why not both? Just opposite ends of the spectrum, and all available now to those who get there by chance or direction.
Moody Blues captured some of that feeling, which started this off here, but any 60s inspired creation has a bit of it as well. I am drawn to all of that not from nostalgia but as my link with heaven. Why on earth not? Heaven isn't risky, you can't lose, you can't get it wrong, everything you do has the best possible outcome and you're never alone unless you choose to be. You understand and know everything and everyone else does as well. As they all share the one mind they can all access, but through their own being. Tell me it's rubbish, but it still makes a good story. But even a fairy story inspires. And why so many about hidden worlds where people fly and talk to animals. Was C.S. Lewis on acid when he wrote Narnia or Lewis Carroll when he followed Alice to similar dimensions? I doubt it. Some people just know, or feel it somehow. They end up entertaining children, but some of those children grow up as inspired adults, just wondering if there was more to those places than imagination.
Of course there is. Even going there in dreams is real when I'm there, and I still have the memory as with all the others afterwards. I trip out by listening to music, looking at pictures and thinking of the times I was almost there. I won't get far like that but I'm looking through the bars wondering whether there's a hidden door or loose window somewhere I can't find yet. From within an infinite wall I look outside infinity for the freedom outside. May I never come down once I get there. Amen.
Friday, March 31, 2006
Filling the space
The day has passed, I'm glad to say, as I no longer have a dental appointment left on my little card. One phobia more people can relate to than any other so I don't feel isolated with that one at least.
Spent a decent session in the gym which is near there so the coin has an upside as well. Excuse the colour variations but this software changes colour when you press enter, and it looks more interesting to leave the errors in than correct it to all brown. I won't do whole colour design this time as I have other things to work on.
One website I was directed to has tied the two threads of bliss and enlightenment together. True enlightenment, I am told, is simply the non-big-deal awareness that I am the awareness not the person. That is easy to see, to focus on the space rather than the filling, but has no effect on the witness when pointed out. Meditation however brings bliss at times with no new insights, but rarely lasts. Then this site explains the path.
1) Point out we can be empty awareness
2) hold this till it becomes our dominant perspective
3) then it may grow and become constant
and finally... 4) then the bliss may come
Phew! I always wondered how two such different schools could work so closely together, I think I know now, though some bright spark will say I got it wrong sooner or later.
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Rather than double and triple post for new subjects as some do, I'll use the colour scheme as a chapter device. I wanted to see how I could write a post beyond mentioning the two things I did in a whole day and see what happened.
As I don't have to be up tomorrow (though the kitchen bits will wake me up Saturday morning) I may as well enjoy my freedom while I have it. Writing is good therapy for me, as many others. The Funtrivia blog has brought so many more members out of the shadows I'm learning more about them every day. Pity there isn't even one like them near me though...
Other bits and bobs, I think the official title of the Pyewackett song I am trying to find a recording of by others (as they only did it for the radio) is 'The wind blows high', and is a traditional skipping song, which must have been split into that song and 'Tell my ma' as it is a combination of the two. One is easy to find, the other is written online, played on schools radio occasionally, but apparently unknown by any folk group who make recordings. I'll keep looking.
Otherwise (see how the programme has been set up, same as MS word) it's freedom city Arizona (though a couple of distant social arrangements may emerge soon I am in partial control of them so not a big problem). Tomorrow I could do my paperwork (probably wait till Saturday), finish my painting (should do), go for a walk (will if dry), in the time before I go out later in the day. Saturday is the artificially created day Flickr allow me to post my new photos (what a rule but beggars can't be choosers), so I'll be able to see what the groups think of them as well as see their latest additions. Like nostalgia, seeing a photo of the places you see all the time still feels good. Any good moment becomes nostalgic instantly when played back on camera, moving or still. Just how it is.
So, that is it really, I should be asleep now and am doing three things at once so can't concentrate, but am able to be in the moment as there's better here now than anything I see beyond, for a bleeding change I'll add. It can't last too long as I'm off to bed, and who knows what tomorrow brings, though I am finding after real obligations it is becoming easier to bang away other arrangements like a baseball bat if they don't appeal to me, and not even need to make excuses. What the hell for? Life's too short to fanny around with people you don't want to see or places you don't want to be in. Why waste your life as people want to do things you don't? So I am growing and learning there, the first time in my life I can do that, and am maybe being sent a few little ones to learn easily and practice. You don't go through what I have without learning damage limitation a lot better, and maybe a few people will even respect me for that, standing up for myself (diplomatically though). Assertive.
Meanwhile I also return to awareness at times, and will continue to as you can't stop half way through any mission that promises so much. It's little trouble to return to what you feel now and stay with it, and may see better what the reason for doing it is, as the earlier one was 'enlightenment/becoming awareness' which really had little I could hang on to it. Awareness expanding to bliss is everything. Our true nature and higher consciousness. I was using two methods, one for each, as wasn't sure I could get either from the other ways, but now maybe I can.
Spent a decent session in the gym which is near there so the coin has an upside as well. Excuse the colour variations but this software changes colour when you press enter, and it looks more interesting to leave the errors in than correct it to all brown. I won't do whole colour design this time as I have other things to work on.
One website I was directed to has tied the two threads of bliss and enlightenment together. True enlightenment, I am told, is simply the non-big-deal awareness that I am the awareness not the person. That is easy to see, to focus on the space rather than the filling, but has no effect on the witness when pointed out. Meditation however brings bliss at times with no new insights, but rarely lasts. Then this site explains the path.
1) Point out we can be empty awareness
2) hold this till it becomes our dominant perspective
3) then it may grow and become constant
and finally... 4) then the bliss may come
Phew! I always wondered how two such different schools could work so closely together, I think I know now, though some bright spark will say I got it wrong sooner or later.
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Rather than double and triple post for new subjects as some do, I'll use the colour scheme as a chapter device. I wanted to see how I could write a post beyond mentioning the two things I did in a whole day and see what happened.
As I don't have to be up tomorrow (though the kitchen bits will wake me up Saturday morning) I may as well enjoy my freedom while I have it. Writing is good therapy for me, as many others. The Funtrivia blog has brought so many more members out of the shadows I'm learning more about them every day. Pity there isn't even one like them near me though...
Other bits and bobs, I think the official title of the Pyewackett song I am trying to find a recording of by others (as they only did it for the radio) is 'The wind blows high', and is a traditional skipping song, which must have been split into that song and 'Tell my ma' as it is a combination of the two. One is easy to find, the other is written online, played on schools radio occasionally, but apparently unknown by any folk group who make recordings. I'll keep looking.
Otherwise (see how the programme has been set up, same as MS word) it's freedom city Arizona (though a couple of distant social arrangements may emerge soon I am in partial control of them so not a big problem). Tomorrow I could do my paperwork (probably wait till Saturday), finish my painting (should do), go for a walk (will if dry), in the time before I go out later in the day. Saturday is the artificially created day Flickr allow me to post my new photos (what a rule but beggars can't be choosers), so I'll be able to see what the groups think of them as well as see their latest additions. Like nostalgia, seeing a photo of the places you see all the time still feels good. Any good moment becomes nostalgic instantly when played back on camera, moving or still. Just how it is.
So, that is it really, I should be asleep now and am doing three things at once so can't concentrate, but am able to be in the moment as there's better here now than anything I see beyond, for a bleeding change I'll add. It can't last too long as I'm off to bed, and who knows what tomorrow brings, though I am finding after real obligations it is becoming easier to bang away other arrangements like a baseball bat if they don't appeal to me, and not even need to make excuses. What the hell for? Life's too short to fanny around with people you don't want to see or places you don't want to be in. Why waste your life as people want to do things you don't? So I am growing and learning there, the first time in my life I can do that, and am maybe being sent a few little ones to learn easily and practice. You don't go through what I have without learning damage limitation a lot better, and maybe a few people will even respect me for that, standing up for myself (diplomatically though). Assertive.
Meanwhile I also return to awareness at times, and will continue to as you can't stop half way through any mission that promises so much. It's little trouble to return to what you feel now and stay with it, and may see better what the reason for doing it is, as the earlier one was 'enlightenment/becoming awareness' which really had little I could hang on to it. Awareness expanding to bliss is everything. Our true nature and higher consciousness. I was using two methods, one for each, as wasn't sure I could get either from the other ways, but now maybe I can.
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