A normal day

I barely need to say what happened today as I have a pictorial record of most of it here already. After heavy piles of work I got a day off and used the camera far more than I expected when I first bought it, especially with the video function and posting them here as well. I was expecting to go to Budgens (open every day of the year all night as well) on the way home from grandma's, no biscuits, cakes and many other things and after so many years it's gone. Nowhere else, the place down the road was closing as I got there and that was it.

A bit more free time tomorrow, not a clue what I'll do besides a few phone calls I've been trying all week with no success. Again the TV is so dire now I've left that room for the rest of the day and resigned myself to a solitary night in front of the computer, probably get all my new pictures on cd if it works this time.

So eventually things shift after many weeks, though besides the TV none actually in my favour. No articles have been used, one refused point blank, and two put on ice and no idea if will be used now. My friend has explained the theory behind his absence but no actual details. I'm lost on that one. The painting's now been corrected, and besides that all I'm waiting on is whether they'll be filming a second scene next week, which suits me either way especially as it doesn't actually pay anything... Now I've found my first programme was also on in India at the same time, and a few people I know there could have seen it, and it was also on again here a few weeks ago had I known as only 4 people I know actually saw it the first time. It's wonderful the schedule of this one is six times quicker than the first, and unlike Discovery Science will be advertised, and watched by about 10 times as many people on Sky 1. Still 10 times less than terrestrial but like most football teams I started in the Sunday league and am now in the Conference, hoping to eventually be promoted into the league. And it's a darn sight easier in TV than football so I do have hopes.

Finally I am being encouraged to take any woman available to get me out of my situation. The trouble is most women are either unattractive, boring or both, as most men probably are to women. Some of the frights I've had as tenants, either looks personality or both would have sent me to an early grave if I'd been stuck with them, let alone many of the ones I gave a fair run out before their mediocrity sent them on their ways. I've increased the percentage of acceptables by about 5 times since 40 though, as I expected, and it just meant the women raised their standards accordingly. No more coded messages here as the couple of women I do speak to will be getting a direct message verbally as soon as I see them. Kill or cure, but eliminated from enquiries either way. There may even be a reserve or two but I won't get busy there unless forced to.

Tomorrow I've got another little photo trip to do later on otherwise I have no idea. The day I go to my mum's where the optician also is is early closing so can't get that particular one sorted out, I see an approaching need for bifocals but generally my self testing has been tougher than theirs and I'm sure I won't need a change this time regardless how long I have to wait for it. What an exciting time I have sometimes. I sound like a bloody 85 year old and there's sod all I can do about it.

Ghost riders

Brent trip

A couple of pictures from my little photo trip to the NW corner of Golders Green, known as Brent. About half way between my current house and the old family one.

Magnum opus

Yes, there's shite on TV again, so despite having nothing to report I have opened myself to the free space of the screen and see what happens.
I think looking back on 2006 the theme has been creation, as whatever wasn't happening outside I made sure I was able to create as much as I possibly could. If you think of your own talents, and look at other people with them who you like to see produce more, I've made sure I produced as much as I possibly could while I could. And so it will continue. If everything goes the way it has already I can imagine an auction after I die, when a bright relative who hasn't even been born yet collects all my pictures together and finds a way to market them for a fortune, making sure I get no recognition or money until it's too late. I wonder if there's a woman I used to like out there who will come across an old phone book and search me out on the web, wanting to catch up on all we missed together, the day after I die. If there's a boat to miss in life I've missed it. Even when I succeed it's almost always been at half the complete level- missing out on a master's degree, chartered profession and every woman I've fancied since my first girlfriend. My house is my only true success, having recycled my initial outlay in 1988 to a house valued three times what I paid plus the extra for the loft conversion. But it's a start not a finish as apart from me it's empty. Like an extremely comfortable open prison, where I can have visitors and go out when I please but come back to my own company.

So even that's only half the job done. TV work has been the same so far, on but not (yet) on terrestrial. My writing is published but not paid (though the article I just wrote on aliens was rejected as the magazine won't take anything pro-supernatural regardless of evidence). My paintings are the only exception, with number 2 awaiting acceptance and number 1 already sold. But I am only on the edge of full success there and only in the foothills in the other areas I've even begun. As for women I'm still applying to get on a course, let alone pass it.

Reviewing your life from time to time isn't a bad thing as long as it doesn't depress you. All in all as long as you're reasonably happy and can pay the bills it should be OK. How I pay the bills is a miracle at times (I try not to think about it) and though I have learnt the lesson of the value of other people haven't managed to make it a reality. Patience is fine as a teenager but at 46 how long should you have to wait to get anywhere? So I control anything I can, paint one picture after another, take lots of photos, write endless articles and study whatever I can. But that's my side covered. I refuse to do what others do to me and pester old friends who aren't interested any more and join every club around hoping to meet new ones. I've joined many groups for activities, and because I want to do them. If you meet a new friend there as well it's a bonus, and apart from the odd Jewish club years ago I've never met any new friends at an activity group. Plenty of weirdos, bores, old ladies (nothing wrong with them, but I don't need to hear about other people's grandchildren for 2 hours a week), and reformed addicts, but no new friends, the most I managed were a few visits or parties but it didn't last long.

The closest to an exception was a situation which belonged in a short film. One which should only have become as twisted as it was in fiction rather than my reality. In my world few things succeed tidily, but this failed so perfectly you'd wonder if there was a God and he had arranged it all as a sick joke. No, I'm not laughing.

Sarah. Two in fact. I went to a psychic weekend group every month or so, and began when I was sort of going out with Sarah, the best looking woman I've ever met before or since, but no heart. She was Iraqi (is that a factor?) and two timing me from start to finish, which basically nullified the whole relationship in practice. I took her there once, and there was another Sarah there who was one of the nicest and most interesting people I'd met, and wished my Sarah had the personality to go with the looks like the other one. Sarah 2 was average looking, but had a nose few would have seen elsewhere. It was a cartoon Cyrano de Bergerac stick on version, but real. It took a hot summers day for her to wear shorts for me to finally get used to the appendage when her legs took over the focal point of attention. Then Sarah 1 left me for her true love and I was free to ask Sarah 2 out, one of the few women I've ever picked up vibes from and been correct. If a man fancies someone, turn up with a girlfriend, fake or real, and if you've got a chance at all you'll swing it with that. Female psychology. The subconscious tells them if you're good enough for her you're good enough for me.

So I was free to make my move on S2 at last, and easily arranged a date that weekend. But the fly had already entered the ointment, when S1 had an argument with her mother and asked if she could rent my spare room. Rather than rent to strangers I thought whatever I felt about her she was honest and accepted her money as a compromise of head and heart. She had been bitching more and more and it was such a relief to spend time with a woman who didn't watch my every move and run it down I sort of took it out on S2. I drove about 25 miles to take her out for the afternoon, and after struggling through country lanes to find the damn place we were heading for, proceeded to complain about the prices as soon as we arrived. Then after my defences were truly down I started going on about the other Sarah, saying how awful she was. Some time in the afternoon I picked up the much more familiar vibe I always feel accurately, the point where she snapped and went off the whole idea. When we got home I've never seen anyone get out of the house and into the car so quickly unless the place had been on fire.

I rang to apologise, crawl, creep and bribe my way out of the hole I'd dug, but she kept her phone off the hook for weeks. Can you imagine someone deliberately not answering the phone in case it's one person? Am I that impossible people have to close down to avoid me? Apparently so. Of course, she'd built me up into some non-existent wise man only to find this stingy moaning nutter who was clearly still into another woman. Now if I'd played that one properly, I could now be the proud owner of a sensible level headed woman (besides the nose of course, which may have needed a surgically implanted counterweight to stop her head drooping) with great legs and a good heart. I bet she's still single at about 45 and having made a few tentative investigations, still hates me as much as the day she left my lounge with the speed of a gazelle.

Just another nail in the coffin of finishing a job. More later in the week.

Latest picture- Brent Cross

I just scanned this is for its final check, and I see a slanting line. Half is because it scanned at an angle but I think that'll need redoing before the final curtain. This is the railway bridge between Brent Cross and Hendon Central as it crosses the North Circular Road.

Trivia rules

Just to update yesterday, these were my plans for the free time today:

Finish my picture /
Order my prints
Do my filing
Do some gardening
Write more essays for my course

But I forgot transferring videos to DVD and photos to CD. The DVDing was a success except it turns out DVD players only show mpeg, so if grandma and anyone else with a player wants to see them it's a long conversion process if I can be bothered. The CDs will follow when time allows. But the other list of 'Won't happens' was finally operative, as my friend emailed just to say he's had problems and hasn't got time yet to explain. So something's buggered up his plans and I literally have no idea what it could be, if it was the visa unless there's an appeal he'd be on his way back about now, so as I said, a total mystery.

The lengths people alone go to to create interest in life as there's nothing else to focus on mustbe pretty universal. If there was someone here to talk to I wouldn't care about half the crap I do, like how many miles I've done on my bike, or whether I'll see some nice pictures of houses in the ad papers to cut out for my album. That's all there is. After the computer the next most exciting thing appears to be the less demanding housework. What else is there? Of course the major stuff will always be major whatever the circumstances, but it doesn't happen very often and rarely changes my life after the events. But a heap of stuff has finally just about shifted, and now I await the acorns of TV to grow into great oaks later in the year. Sex is really the priority though as everyone knows by now, and frankly I feel sorry for anyone where it isn't. I would be lost without my sex drive and very glad I'm not a male cat as we all knows what happens to most of them...

My horoscope just said to tell the people close to you exactly what you want. Well maybe I will sooner or later but I'll prepare here where no one's looking:

Of course I already described how dead things have been since my friends emigrated, and somehow the dead issue is still being presented as a mystery even though I believe the dog is already sleeping. The next is to say the woman who doesn't know her identity would be a perfect partner for me and I couldn't imagine wanting anyone else if she was interested. Any women reading this will just have to ask themselves who I may be referring to, or ask if really curious.
As it goes I proposed (on the phone) to my French friend who only wants to borrow men than keep them many times and she is the second woman to use the 'sees me like a brother' line. Well I'd go for the incest route then but that's just me... Who else? I'd tell my divorced friend just because he's too busy to see me I haven't and won't forget about him. Who would ever have imagined my only divorced friend being less available since than when married. Proves you can never work out the future. And the same goes for the one who isn't divorced but I'm sure he knows after nearly 30 years. There isn't really anyone else outside the family I can think of, but I think besides the informal proposal the others should know me well enough to know all that already, as their actions as well as mine convey enough without usually needing words (well, in this country anyway). Very British, but this page is possibly the start of the end of that awful habit for me at least.

Another day, another dildo

As they may say in a dildo factory. But back to business.

There is only space around. MSN have replied and actually given me their number (premium rate) so though I'll be paying them for it whatever the outcome, I have a chance to repair my software. Otherwise it's space. It's good to be free, but boring until anything actually fills that space. My friend has made a mystery out of a molehill by not only failing to inform me of his plans 2 months later, but still not replying to me email on Friday (not that that in itself is unusual). The trouble is by doing so he's created an array of fascinating scenarios that oppose the true answer he can't be bothered. So if the world was the interesting place it was in films, he could have:

Been deported
Lost his visa
Lost his business
Decided to return despite his wife's determination to stay

I think that's all I could think of but that's because my own life can be so boring where there's any mystery at all I'll fantasise everything except the true and mundane outcome.

Tim Cahill was on TV earlier, as Australia lost to Italy in the 93rd minute from a defender falling over. He is the only player I've seen in the world cup who I've got their autograph, as he played for Millwall at Dulwich Hamlet. He's come a long way since then. Of course I've seen plenty of players in a number of countries, including Peter Crouch on 2 occasions, but hadn't managed an autograph. I've stood right next to Ashley Cole once as well as he took a throw in, as well as sitting almost underneath his manager Arsene Wenger who was alone in the director's box looking bored stiff. Underhill being Arsenal's reserve ground is a great source of top players, either at the end, or more often in friendlies, the start of their careers. So a young Joe Cole, Ledley King and Jermain Defoe all played there as second string premier players, as well as a bunch of aging England players including Mark Hateley and Ray Wilkins for QPR. I used to go to really big games, but in the days you could get in and stand up without waiting all day for the privilege.

All I have now is my system. This is the list of possibilities ahead that may or may not happen. I await a date for the TV programme to be shown as it's been pencilled in within a few months to coincide with something else. I'll be ordering my next set of digital prints, finishing my picture and then any housework that's been waiting next as so far the week's free. The last two have earned one off, and I shouldn't feel guilty for any spare time I have as the lot's been out of my control for years ever since I lost my job. That's just been installed in me somehow (grandparents?) that if I don't work first I don't deserve anything else. Bollocks to that, but my heart still believes it even though it's only true for most people who'd rather not, and would rather do what I'm doing.

So, looking at the big picture I have so much dead time on my hands that I have to do something with it, and blogging is like alcohol, easy and available, but without the health problems. Like any other day in life, each entry can be fascinating or painful to read, as unlike regular articles nothing is left out, as it would leave out the boring parts of life which are the majority. So there's a potentially free week ahead. There are the regular things, the difficult things and the unlikely things that could happen. That means I should:

Finish my picture
Order my prints
Do my filing
Do some gardening
Write more essays for my course

So that also means I won't

Meet a new/old girlfriend
Get any more email replies
Have any good news for first time since my last exam results

I have also been told by a previous builder he can now finish all the annoying little jobs on my house. This will be a surprise if it happens this year. It is good to have the money to pay them, but you can't just take anyone. They can't all work with electricity and much of my work is last resort stuff few want to touch. I'm clearly not the only one who doesn't want to do anything too demanding...

Life history (you've been warned...)

Back again...

Friday was as nothing special as a day could be, besides one direct experience.

Buddhism says the end of craving is the end of suffering. Logic told me most Buddhists misinterpreted this phrase, it is, as written, ambiguous. As a quiz just said as an example, 'This car uses 20% less petrol'. Than what?

See what I mean? The end of craving has been picked up by the majority ascetic view, and the silly buggers expect people to stop being human and wanting anything. What a wrong turning! My view was if you got what you want you can relax and then go for enlightenment, having satisfied your greatest needs.

Following the TV filmings I satisfied a long-held ambition, and despite a thoroughly boring day have that sense of what is likely to be enlightenment (ie feeling good regardless) as I'd 'done it'.
There's no need to satisfy every ambition to get there, just one seems enough, whichever on my list (there were a few) came first. So that was mine, and tried and tested that was the result.

Philosophical point over so change of colour.

What a busy week! I could almost become part of the regular workforce if I repeated it every week (like fuck I will...) even though the work was from home, the cleverest millionaires often work from home- why? Because they can choose. So as people come to me though it never paid me a real profit at least that is the nature of the work and any other work I could do from home if it did earn a lot would be no different from people who commute, as I attempted to do for years but was never accepted since 2000 (3 days and made redundant). Big deal, forced into making my own arrangements I grew into the role gradually and now wonder if I could ever work anywhere else again. I have done the odd afternoon in a clinic (mainly talking to the owner and waiting for clients that never materialised) but otherwise try as I might it didn't happened and I learnt how to turn my house into an Ashram or office, depending which way you look at it. And that suits me if it works.

My DVD burner is working perfectly (amazing!), I haven't ponced any CDs from anyone but have burned most of the videos I needed to it, and can watch them on their own drive and will now try on my grandma's DVD player to see if the format is universal. Once I buy some CDs I'll get my photos on them and clear a few gigs from my picture files. I've emailed everyone on my 'naughty list', not a sqeak from any of them, though one will reply but does work over 70 hours a week so may not have much time available. Odd formula. Live at home, end up working 3 days a week, go abroad, cash in your assets and then work 12 hour days. Search me.

My next landmark (besides a probable second scene being filmed soon) is the Sky guide putting my programme in or being told the date of airing, as it's not meant to be far away and another I was consulted on made it in less than 3 months from filming. Plus unlike the first job it's a one off so they aren't filming 6 whole episodes around the world, but one in England. Delays and gaps were never my friends, most of all the day since I last had a pleasurable experience with my late (may as well be) girlfriend Elizabeth in 1980 the week before she chucked me. I could have 'had' her exclusively for the rest of my life. I could just find better (1984 and 1996) but she was absolutely right and wouldn't have been replaced by either had they become available. I know what I want and appreciate it when I have it. Many people don't and can't make their mind up if their partner's good enough, and check many times with alternatives. Pathetically immature. If you can't tune in to your own heart you may not even have one. Not my problem but had to comment.
Psychoanalysis is based on free association, and having discovered my largest problem is the Elizabeth situation (ie lack of) simply from spreading my ideas across the blog for 2 years (birthday just passed) even if no one read it I've learnt many things. Sex is my medicine, and whatever I get from the doctor isn't going to replace it. My nervous system is possibly one of the worst jobs since the Austin Allegro, the one they built on the bosses' day off when they all got drunk and lost the parts list. It was always dodgy, and now with maturity and experience needs every tablet known to the psychiatric profession just to stop a total shut down. I watch as if it's happening to someone else. I despair, like a cripple in a wheelchair (political correctness is suspended here you know) who knew how to walk but look at their useless legs hanging over the edge. My nerves are like trying to carry a hot plate from the microwave. It burns your hands but if you juggle it enough you can just manage to get it to the table without injuring yourself. But hold on too long and you've burnt yourself.
That's me, I find many tasks are putting me on the edge of tolerance levels, and one step too many and I almost pass out. That can even be with the tablets though not nearly as bad (so far...). That's a physical weakness and bears no relationship at all to the world outside or knowledge. It's a built in fault which comes and goes as it pleases and is partially regulated with chemical replacements. So long as the sexual partner, like Pete with the Tourette's in Big brother, accepts it and looks at me and not my diability, I'll have won. Any candidates?

Giving things a kick

I'm using any power I have to shift my stuck situations, though the only one that mattered is now resolved. It did take four people to reschedule so it wasn't as easy as I thought. But MSN, after advertising a 2 day maximum reply are a bunch of impotent retarded arse pickers. They can take their fancy words and lying hearts, roll them in a ball and insert them in the nearest anus they can find. Bastards.

Now I've got that out of my system I can continue. I sent them a crawling email saying that after a 2 day maximum promise it was now 4 and I thought it was an important issue to them. Important my foreskin (removed 46 years ago). If there's no money in it, like insurance companies, they will avoid you unless you go on TV and stand outside their offices on Reading with a sign up. What a bunch of total crooks. I almost feel like paying Apple just to lose the whole lot for a system that's almost as hard to navigate as Birmingham. But I don't think other machines run with it so maybe not. Or Linux maybe (who actually uses that I wonder? Is it just a myth?).
Anyway, it's clearly an attempt to fill a hole in their huge profit shortage (3 billion maybe?) by people who are smart enough to beat their pathetic security system by creating a popup anyone bright enough to pirate windows would be able to remove in 3 minutes. As I didn't and wouldn't hack a program I can't be bothered to spend a month learning how to undo their pathetic attempt to make everyone running free windows pay £92 when it works perfectly already besides a newly introduced popup saying you should go and pay MSN £92 for exactly what you've got already. Blame the bloody crook who sold me the computer and let him pay as he was the one who cost them the money, I paid for it regardless. He was paid twice (probably many times more) for the same windows XP by bypassing the security. Chase him MSN, I gave you his bloody address already...

Always go for the small man. Anyway. I was fucking worn out today. Yesterday was great but the filming came after half a day's work and finished at 11pm. I slept well but it does all catch up with me nowadays. I did a cracking psychic reading for a friend, I instantly saw her useless boyfriend and described a person as if I was watching them on TV. She sat open mouthed as she said every word I described was exactly as I described. I've still got it. Unfortunately my guides didn't provide me with any signals she or anyone else would be up for sex in the future which sadly they never do.
Tomorrow's free, until I go to my mum as per Fridays. I don't intend to do much, but may finish the painting should Funtrivia provide less than usual to answer. I also sent my friend an email as whatever else we email every month and if he won't I will. But I no longer want to know his plans as he is lost. Lost cause as the previous visitor, minds and plans made up and me not anywhere in them. Then the wait to see my TV programmes, much less than the year the last time so should be easy. That's more or less Thursday from here, and MSN are due to get the daily treatment from Monday, and maybe a trip to Reading if no joy as they have no known phone number. It's a dirty place but someone has to go there. I could send them a registered letter but besides the cost they'd ignore that as well. Or get my MP to deal with it. Get them in the newspapers for penalising innocent victims of scams as if they knew about it. And as soon as I found out it was already installed and he wasn't going to fix it in a hurry, fix me more likely if I complained...

Naughty words, beware!

Good news, another filming is in the can (cassette now but same thing). And it won't be on in a year but a few months. Makes a change, unless you're producing stuff all the time the patience involved after the initial work to seeing it arrive is phenomenal. So now I have my freedom. Time to do the easy jobs and piss around for a while. Including on my blog.

Now insults (fair comment I call it) abound here, simply as it reflects the shit and the sugar in my life equally. I'd say it to their faces believe me if I thought it would help, but people with cloth ears care little for my criticisms, so it wouldn't change anything if I did. But publicity works both ways. You write accurately about your life and it includes the people you know. If I was behaving badly and anyone mentioned it (as they frequently do verbally) I couldn't care less as long as it was accurate. Everyone has faults and mine are no different I suppose and I never get the hump when people mention them in public as you can't be expected to miss out the unflattering warts of people's business. And when they redeem themselves as they occasionally do then they get off the hook. Of course the only people I call fucking bastards are MSN as they can take it and I can tell you why I did. The rest are just disappointing as many people are much of the time in various ways. MSN UK promise to answer emails in 2 working days. 3 later and it doesn't mean they are busy but they just won't as whatever offers they put on their site fall apart when you actually try and use them. Hence the flowery language. If I was talking about them, where rude words flow far more easily, I could say they were a bunch of shit faced arseholes or arse licking cretins but as I'm not I won't.
But of course if they a) reply (albeit later than officially) and b) perform the offered service I will be the first to withdraw everything I said about them. Meanwhile the leprous cocksucking dildos can go screw themselves.

Totally irrelevant to anything but I do enjoy a good swear sometimes...

A bit of everything

I was struggling for a topic today and almost decided to skip a day as nothing has happened yet, besides the update the filming is now due tomorrow, and as it was the only thing on my list that mattered in practice the rest can drift.

Besides that I spent 2 hours gardening today in the heat, as I borrowed some tools to replace the ones that had vanished or packed up. Then I saw my grandma who's at home for the first time in a month after her kidney removal. It's the first time she hasn't been troubled with it for a year and a half which is an incredible relief.
Otherwise I will just keep going as normal till tomorrow evening, and keep busy. There's plenty to do tomorrow work wise so apart from the rest of tonight as there's no TV worth watching or much else to do I'll go for a quick walk and then bed (after taking some more quizzes).

These, for my critics, are the moments filled by living with other people. That can be friends or family as well as a wife, it's just a wife would be preferable. 14 years amusing myself extending to possibly 60 is not good for anyone. I learnt as an only child how to make a nest for myself when I was alone so it's a skill I learnt at an early age. But it's second best and always will be. Social skills will dry up and going out dwindles to a minimum when there's nowhere left to go besides the regular family visits and photo trips. And however well I know London I reckon I'll soon run out of places to take that are actually worth looking at. I won't string this one out, but it's a bloody good example.

But stuck situations force me to look into the mechanisms behind them, including whether there's a supernatural control or not. Nick Roach has made me notice one more thing. I regularly notice people now who appear to exhibit an aspect of my own, as if I wrote their script. Nick says I do this with everyone, and as many people in my dreams are not like me or predictable it means I can produce people like me and unlike me so maybe I'm getting the point, and it means no one's reading this besides me. Big deal, once you know the answer to the equation you still have to live within the illusion of many. And they still talk to you as if you're someone else. How being the only one there (his personal focus on enlightenment) makes things actually better beats me, but if it's true it makes no difference what I think.

So, unless it rains again I'll be taking my usual late walk round the block, sometimes in one direction, sometimes in another, and then on to the quizzes. Lucy has already learnt my new car after a few weeks as she ran up to it tonight just as she did when I came home in the one I'd had since she arrived. Cats can teach us a lot if they could tell us how they did it. And remember, I do overdo some points here for literary effect. If I was to put in all the irrelevances and average bits it would give a truer picture but not make better reading. I only think about being single when it makes itself obvious. And clearly the sex is the most missed item, as though we can all be friends with lots of people of both sexes, the few we really enjoy sex with is a small group, and includes many we wouldn't have as a friend in a million years (probably like Aisleyne in Big Brother, my first and possibly only reference this year). She's a lovely person as well as her looks, but thick as pigshit and probably enough conversation for two seconds before she ran dry. Just like my first girlfriend. I found her so boring despite the rest being more or less perfect I chucked her after 4 dates. Of course the next day I realised what I'd done and tried to get her back but that was it.

Being human with needs, the sex would have to take first place, even if the provider went home afterwards. It would make everything else easier to cope with and I could always look for conversations elsewhere knowing the other side would be covered. Amd when I say sex, I mean the general business, the actual job is over quickly and half way down the list of preferences. You'll have to guess the rest above it but when I say sex that's how I mean it as so many people use it in the narrow sense which I don't. And having missed each stage beyond the one I got with everyone up to it is another reason I'm so bitter and twisted, especially as the last was in 1980. I'm not even that fussy, women either pass or fail and I think at least 5% pass. That's a hell of a lot of women to be rejected by and the one my friend has was one of the best and she would have had me if not him. Nothing about me that does it, it's pure circumstances. My latest equation. Whatever you want the most is hardest to get. So Newport wants fame but has a wife . I may become famous but want both. Others have neither and want one person. Buddhism says whatever you get you want more until you stop wanting. Others say you must satisfy all your wants before you become enlightened, which makes far more sense. But why make it such a challenge?

Repetition

Two days later and literally nothing has happened. I needed a clear weekend to recover from last week so chose not to do very much (not that there were any on offer) and though I'll be distracted working for a couple of days which is a necessary element for all without a private income, nothing has changed.
I just checked my emails having contacted everyone but one on the list of three. I am clearly persona non grata. It seems the effect I have on women I like has now extended to many more things, exactly like a curse. It's not total but besides my friend in America who I can only imagine I've offended somehow (can only be here but I thought he didn't read it) for the first time in 34 years, the others are plain rude.

MSN turned out to have altered their website to lift the free offer to fix my Windows the day I contacted them. I've now emailed their British centre and they say they reply in 2 days (tomorrow), though now the offer no longer appears to stand the error message will become permanent but as long as it all works there's no more I can do besides ask a security expert I know to check it. The second person seems to have had second, third and fourth thoughts about me (no reason to), though I also wonder if a story I told her about someone I liked whose name i'd forgotten was actually her. That would have done it... I can't think of any other reason besides female hormonal behaviour, and knowing the way I get into trouble it may well have been her I described. I'd hope anyone would see it as a compliment but that's a male view, women seem to hate attention unless they pick the person.
The TV person was emailed on Friday, granted he works on the road but always replied to my emails in the past. But not today.

It all goes to display a sad and cynical view of human nature. You are usually helped purely as a by product of other's needs. As Carnegie said in his famous book, people will do nothing for you unless you offer them a reward. Just like Pavlov's dogs. If anyone needs help I can give I usually need a pretty good excuse not to help them rather than the reverse. These guys get on with their lives and if their plans include something that randomly helps you it's chance, not altruism. So when their plans change, you become part of history.

To analyse this academically (you can tell there's nothing else to do)

1) My friend in America is following his own plans, any other effects are pure chance and not connected to his plans

2) The friend who stopped emailing did offer to help and that's bad form in anyone's book

3) The TV people do what they like

4) MSN changed their offer as I applied for it, bad timing

Nobody apparently thinks of how other people are affected by their plans or not. Not that it's nuclear physics, just caring. You needn't change your plans to favour others over yourself, but when you start a project and it goes phut, at least let everyone involved know.

The magazine at least appears to be alive and ready a month ahead. One way or another my media presence will grow, now it's started I know the ways and should be able to keep producing material and be used by a proportion of the media enquiries. The fact about 6 programmes were being made independently on alien abductions in a year implies at least a new interest even though the reports have never improved since the 1950s. Of course my own clients have provided marvelous reports to me, and have now extended beyond simple telepathy as the scientific data they have reported is unlikely to be known by humans as they wouldn't waste it if they did by hiding it. At worst they'd make weapons from it (why human society has not advanced to their level) but I can't see them surpressing such a phenomenon rather than use it to their evil advantages. So as well as telepathy I now have a scenario where the information given is beyond that from human-human reception. That is a step forward.

But until something impossible to miss appears it's just more smoke from the gun. But no bullets and no gun and no person shooting. I am also not supposed to reveal anything I know even if they do show me, which is fine as the few people who do care would find out anyway and the rest wouldn't believe it unless it happened to them. Meanwhile the evidence gradually builds but I really don't want to be on my deathbed before the truth is known.

Empty space

My world has been sweeped clear, which is great for the work that I've completed, but there's nothing left when it's done. Just a big empty space with nothing but the same trivia as usual. I have some non-urgent jobs to do, which can wait as scheduled things like my weekly online quiz come first, and tv that is only on live. But though it's nice to be free despite the opportunities to do anything I like there isn't much more than blogging at the moment.

I have tried to encourage two of my email failures so far, will send a form to msn next and leave the last as it's beyond me. But it's now clear they are all dead, which is a right bugger, and shows from maybe five starts getting one finish was lucky. And until that programme is on my TV I won't be certain. Actors get paid whether they are shown or not, but I am doing this to be on TV and money is not an issue. But at least our filming seemed to do what they needed so should go ahead, logically at least.
I also have heard nothing about my latest article, though being a professional (but unpaid) outfit means if the editor's busy he'll let me know either way, rather than just ignore an unsuitable article. If I was writing and filming all the time then there wouldn't be these huge gaps between creation and production, and if it comes off next month's magazine launch will showcase a couple of pieces I wrote for them a year ago.

So, I could be mowing the lawn now (can wait) and I've walked all over the area a few times this week so don't need that, and as the cleaner's coming soon needn't get busy on the housework. 'Normal' people would be spending the time free with a partner or family, and this shows how once everything goes quiet if you're on your own eventually you'll run out of things to do. But until today (OK, yesterday technically) I made up for it. Last week I got enough done to justify any space since. I can even meditate now, but closing my eyes for an hour in the sunshine seems a waste of the rare light while we have it. I'm going to the gym soon anyway which again is scheduled as it closes early at weekends, but when faced with a free day (actually I had an appointment but it was cancelled as they sometimes are) I would really like to see something positive at the end of it for a change rather than piss the time away on the computer and gaining no more than learning the capital of Togo (Lome).

Before I go, on the positive side the angels had a little part in my life this week. Someone I know who doesn't have the internet was talking about my career and fame, and said 'If you're special it may take time but it'll come out eventually'. Now I had said nothing to him about my earlier idea, and like when I decided the purpose of life was to find and keep the magic, which was later spoken word for word in The Secret garden TV series, the message about me being special seemed to remind me however little may be happening now I'm unavoidably on my way to fulfilling whatever potential I have.
That lead to my other discovery, if you know things without learning them officially, it's near on impossible to justify them to others. You just know. Now where this knowledge comes from is a clue in itself, but I've realised now there are many areas I can't justify in an argument, I accept them and don't try and convince anyone else unless I have facts and figures. I just have to know it's the truth and as such maybe others will find it the long way as I found it directly. These things are important as when laws and rules are made based on false assumptions our lives are ruined for no reason. Like cutting carbon dioxide emissions. I just know (though there is plenty of data to show this one) it's utter crap, but as the world's PR system do all they can to convionce the masses of a lie in order to raise taxes and stifle competition the more you repeat a lie, the more people believe it. And my intuition normally tells me so I stand out like an idiot. And even when you're occasionally proved right when someone stumbles across the facts most people forget you were the one who was right all along. It's like when you always do something, you then get told off when you don't do it but never praised when you do. Human nature can be pretty rough at times.

Suburban buildings

Well, today is a pause in the fairly frantic activity of the week. I was so tired yesterday I could hardly do anything without it feeling like I was carrying a heavy weight. OK today though. So what did I do, and what was I meant to do?
Plans included taking more photos of the path behind my garden (did), mowing the front lawn (not yet) and carrying on with the painting (not yet but it's only 3.25). Instead once I'd posted the photos on flickr looked through some others and found a fan in Montreal. Now The only experience I have of Canada is an afternoon going round Niagara Falls so it's not very familiar to me. But weirdly the crew who came here on Monday were French Canadians from Montreal, and now I've seen where they come from I'd say it's one of the only places I'd yet live in besides the UK. I expect the photographer did what I do and selected many of the nicer places as we all know what slums look like and I'd rather not see even more on photos. But each nice place is different and we can't visit them all so share our photos. I have selected some here before to show examples of the contrasts. London certainly has the worst places I've ever seen. Walthamstow, Harlesden, Edmonton and many many more would frighten off anyone from an affluent suburb but (besides having little choice financially) attract millions of immigrants. Many move to better areas when they can afford to but I know some who are so used to the most degenerate places they are happy to call them home.

It's a mixture here like marble cake, the trip from one end of my old road to the other starts with the most affluent part of the world (from a recent survey) to some of the nastiest places I've ever seen in East Finchley. It was 1/4 of a mile from my house, but the odd walks I had in the deepest parts of the slum areas left me feeling like I'd had a nightmare. If anyone local wants to take a walk on and around Long Lane they'll see some of the roughest areas with people who could easily populate a zoo within a mile of some of the country's best housing. And the funny thing was the slums were there first. A mile away in 1910 there were fields. When purchased for a planned community within 25 years a rural collection of some of the best examples of Arts and crafts and art deco architecture were spread out with trees and parks in between. Then you had the Victorian terraces with railway arches and grotty corner shops and industrial workshops and factories which hadn't changed since Dicken's time. There were two massive factories, one went in the 80s and one a little later, which is now yet another housing estate.

There was even a house with hens in the garden and it was just the sort of scene in the post war films of how poor Londoners used to live before the slum clearance programme and the blitz destroyed some of the worst housing. But East Finchley not only missed that (besides one road) but when the newer housing was built (including over many of the remaining fields) the most eastern bloc style monoliths were put up, attracting all the criminal elements and not safe to walk through at any time of day or night (though I often did). Where I live now is far more typical of lower middle class 1930s suburban Middlesex (as it was then). Rows of almost identical houses, with spaces and trees between the better ones, and crammed together in terraces for the others. But ultimately, except for the architect designed ones, it's all there for money and the appearance was never considered, just the maximum returns for the least money. So standard designs of quick and easy houses to spread over miles of farmland, and now where big houses used to be, are squeezed into the smallest possible areas and then people wonder why it takes so long to get there, park and queue for everything. If you turn London into the equivalent of Gdansk or Mexico City that's exactly what'll happen to it. As other third world countries 'develop' (if you believe the hype) England reverts slowly but surely towards third world status. Soon all the Brits will be off to Poland and Albania as it's got a better standard of living than here. I may not be alive to see it, but if you are, you saw it here.

Fat lip question

I've been on two trivia question sites for ages, and I think of them all this is probably the classic question of all. http://www.theanswerbank.co.uk/Body_and_Soul/Question102025.html

Besides being a sad reflection of the female obsession with appearance it shows such a lack of knowledge about basic biology and attention to meaningless and irrelevant detail it will give everyone a good laugh (unless they're also worried about their nether regions...). Anyway, click the link, it's worth it!

Avoidance

I am currently being avoided by 4 sets of people. To me there is only a reason I can think of for one, the other three are a total mystery.

These are: The TV producer delayed from last Friday
The friend who said he'd email weeks ago
Someone who had something to tell me and suddenly disappeared
MSN who are supposed to be helping me with a Windows problem but clearly isn't as important to them as they claim.

Now it's a mystery to me as the only reason I've ever dropped an issue I was in the middle of is because I forgot it. I can forget certain things and unless reminded it's gone. But none of these are. In order one is a possible lack of enthusiasm and they have other people who can replace me, two is sadly lack of concern. Three is probably embarrassment of some sort (women's emotional sort), and four they just couldn't give a shit.
This I cannot understand. Of the four I will give my prognosis:

One, 50/50 a delay as they are busy
Two, will pretend nothing's happened
Three, probably gone for good
Four, waste of time, will never reply.

Of the four all but MSN promised they'd get back to me, the other offered a service and never delivered it when I applied. I could never do anything like that. That is how I was brought up and the time it takes to write an email is minutes, just to say 'There's a delay' or whatever. But to just vanish without a word is bloody rude.
Have I done anything to bring it on me, you wonder? Besides whinging on the blog, which half of them can't even know about, no. And I may whinge but I'm always fair. I haven't (yet) just come out and said someone's a total bastard, and in fact so far I don't think anyone has been. A few psychos for sure, but I don't believe they were fully in control of what they were doing. I think it is fair to call MSN total fucking cocksucking wankers if they don't reply as they're a multimillion pound organisation who have no reason at all not to look after their customers and deserve every insult they'd get, assuming they never help me.

The others are just human, in that they have better things to do than think about me. Not everyone realises it matters to keep people informed, they assume no contact means no news and carry on doing what they're doing. I'm not blaming them as they owe me nothing besides MSN who are responsible for all their customers. But how four unrelated people can all drop me in a week is yet another phase where the same thing just happens all in a bunch.

Technically it's only the TV producer that matters as it's an audience who may end up recognising me in the street. The show I recorded on Monday may be big in Canada (I have no idea) but is on every day here and I don't think many people would have heard of it. It will still put me on the level of TV personality doubtless, but not like the wider audience on Sky 1 I only missed as the British motorway system, was closed for the day. The second issue is already, as they say in cricket, a dead ball. The news I was going to receive was a post mortem, the issue is dead and like a loved relative, getting the results of the autopsy don't bring them back and if revolting may be worse than not actually knowing the details. The third is a typical internet friend up and down. The initial enthusiasm is suddenly used up and doubts creep in, often killing it in its early stages and something that has happened to everyone sooner or later I used to know long long ago.

But my psychic intuition is pretty hard to beat. When it felt wrong it was the same as when a girlfriend goes off me. I just know it's over, not while I'm with them but just feel it when they make the decision. It was identical with Sky1, I just felt after Friday they felt I was cursed and went off the idea. There was clearly a schedule but they must have chosen someone else instead of me as I only did it with two day's notice. So that is it. I've completed a few weeks of more work than I've seen for ages (mainly unpaid but my body and mind feel the same if I'm being paid or not), am worn out and relatively free at last. Except for the disaster on Friday which hasn't been remedied (I'll contact him next week and find out one way or the other) every task is done. I may even get round to having my eyes tested now as all the urgent stuff is out of the way. I've been every two years on the dot, and now every year as I have glaucoma in the family. This is the first I've missed as my optician of 15 years or more closed down and I'm fussy where I go instead (mainly parking issues actually, as nearly all are equally able). My other place used to have a car park, are miles away but very good. They moved to a main shopping street with no parking except the usual multi story and lost my business forever. If I'm going to shlep to High Barnet the only ways I was going to go in the multi story was to use the mall it serves, but not since the model car shop closed down.
But I test my own eyesight and can tell if I need new lenses and I'm sure I don't.

Today was a typical recent mix of work and other things, I took some nice photos and had a friend over, and watched England beat Trinidad and Tobago in the last 7 minutes to go through to the quarter finals. Each day that goes by without hearing from the people on the list is another nail in their coffins of hope. MSN will be receiving the daily email treatment from next week as they probably don't read them anyway and if I send one every day for a year one may get read and replied to. It's not as if I'm paying for the stamp. Stingy bastards they are.

First entry 2003

Before I found blogspot I started a blog on my other site but wasn't set up for it so waited till I could do it properly. Here is what would have been my first entry here had I known about it, and I can't change the date so I'll put it at the top

1st update end September 2003
All the latest happenings and plans for the Kingsbury HQ.

Local news: Since I installed a separate line in July, I have been able to browse archives and do research previously not possible. I have discovered vast lists of items, information and trivia which has also led to many of the new items here such as 'Havana let's go'. I have also been able to fully use Funtrivia and similar boards, and am starting to meet some very nice new friends online.
My number plate project is almost complete, as the plates I have found have proved either to be rare but genuine foreign issues, (see relevant page) despite many being remade on UK style plates, fakes, which are many more than I would have expected, and a few that have so little to go on that they can never be discovered. My aim of finding exceptional plates proved to be impossible as all that is made can be found quite easily online, and the rest are only forgeries.
My psychic research has turned up a long list of hoaxes that seem to point to the fact that once you scratch the surface of a claim, it falls apart. Much seems to be for generating income rather than any basis in miraculous events, and human nature often seems to drive the need to earn money ahead of the way it is earned. Luckily, behind other's claims of free energy devices that disappear as soon as someone wants to test them, anti gravity powder that sinks, prophecies whose dates pass in silence etc., my own clairvoyant experiences tell me at least information can be passed between people without a physical link. This is a good foundation to build on, even though it has no extension to indicate the existence of other dimensions, aliens, spirit beings and the like, which I would love to exist, it still means science has no way to measure a power which is definitely real.
September's update adds the 'Baader Meinhof phenomenon'. That is where you learn something new (and often very unusual), and then hear it again very shortly. I had about 4 of these in a couple of weeks, and then was told of others from around the world, and from friends and family. Too exact for chance, in my opinion. I may list them all here soon.
Finally (I have to include the dark with the light) my female situation has just died completely this week. I had maybe two or three possibles on the system, and within a couple of days, all had unceremoniously eliminated themselves from my circle of possibilities. This followed an incredible run of just three replies (and they were to say they were already hooked up) to my last twenty net dating ads. These could also be seen as part of the world of coincidence, and I hope here they are over in that form and a new phase can take over. To end, this is also a weird part of coincidence, that is, phases of famine and abundance in every separate part of life. This reflects many other threads of my life, which are impossible to connect logically, but here are a few typical examples:
a run of ten or more emails sent not being replied to
no personal letters for ages, then three or four on the same delivery
no girlfriends for ages, then meet two on successive days
no new clients for ages, then four book for same day (happened again, one left then someone came the next day from the same office, neither knew the other had come). I also have weeks now where three or four clients all cancel together, then two or three start on the same day.
I could go on, but that gives an accurate picture of what appears to me to be each area of my life moving from frequencies of emptiness to ones of abundance and back, via a force totally unknown to me.

Making sense of chaos

Before I start, this shows at least the Japanese have taste, as they not only make the best quality cars but have realised that however new they may be, there's nothing to stop them making the fronts look 50 years old when they had faces. Here's one of the only models made of the 'classic' range, this is Subaru's retro version of their Vivio. We have a couple of hundred Daihatsu Mira Classics made in 1998 here but that's all.

Anyway, on to Wednesday. Free at last. Apart from a new client tomorrow which is fine really I have cleared my load of crap out of the way. Waiting for nice things to happen is another story and I haven't heard from Sky 1 since Friday to rearrange their visit, and I get a bad feeling they have gone off the idea though with no reason to. I now see blogger has joined Funtrivia in double-shifting so my paragraphs are going to look funny till it gets sorted out. (paragraph) By the law of averages I meet some hot women (as we all do) and though I like them, if I meet a) 100 b) 1000 and c) 1000000 how many will it need before one thinks I'm nice as well? So far the last in practice was 1980 and in theory was 1992 as she said she did and buggered off with a friend she was with previously. I've established, purely through my blog and comments, that I have an average chance of getting a woman, all things considered. The major disadvantages are weighed out by the advantages so I end up roughly in the middle, and most average people are married by 30. I've fiddled around working, studying and then writing and painting, picking up women who either want to marry me within weeks who I see as attractive as a glass of urine in the desert. It might do the job but I'd rather have anything else in preference (depends whose urine, but that's another matter).

I have gone overboard doing other things to keep busy, and few have worked. I imagine men in prison for years getting nothing, and though I get my share at random times from old girlfriends who I didn't choose to keep but they prefer what they know (women tend to bond for a very long time unlike men who move on) it's all second best. If someone gives you two sweets, one tastes like garlic and another strawberry, both are similar, perform the same function but you like one and tolerate the other. You can't change the taste and I can't change how I react. No wonder I'm so bitter and twisted, I haven't had anyone decent for as long as I remember. Being the most important thing in my life that's a recipe for an unfulfilled life, though other things are pretty useful as well if they happen. But apart from enlightenment without the sex little else really counts for more than a few minute's happiness.

So, without the use of a prostitute (somehow I am left with a few standards, plus unless they could advertise I'm not going knocking on doors until I find one I like) I can miss out for life. If my friend hadn't been so jealous he ordered his ex back as I had met up with her things would be totally different. Even if I'd had to get rid of her as she had holes in her brain (just imagine what someone would be like with that, and that was her, she was born like that) I'd have had one of the best I know and could die happy. If I died tonight I'd have knocked off half the second level ambitions of life and maybe two of the top. That is not enough, but even if I live to 95 I can't engineer the others. So the best things are the hardest to get. Is that a way to design life? I don't need a sense of achievement except for exams just so I know they didn't make it easy and I really was clever. Otherwise I'd like things easily, though others prefer a challenge that's their concern. Cause and effect. The further I look the more sense it makes. I have been given impossible situations and reacted as anyone else would. I should know, it's my profession...

Breaking wind

As I haven't found any smoking guns, and there's no breaking news, one thing I can always rely on is breaking wind.
It's been a bit of an odd day, too much conflict and confusion for my liking, all totally outside my predictions and ended up basically working with the computer in between as it's been raining so little else besides a few programmes on TV. That's dried up now (unlike the weather), and no use at all now I know only winter rain gets used, the rest evaporates before anyone can store it. So I suppose the plants still need it so the water companies are literally taking the piss... But now I'm back on my picture and I've never drawn so many railings in my life (I had chain links in the last one). Good geometric training though, and they look fairly realistic.

I watched the presenter who filmed with me yesterday after being directed to (and by) Araya on Discovery Kids. I clearly had a Canadian celebrity sitting in my house and working with me, an experience I've never had in my life till yesterday. Next I wonder who could be working with me? A big brother housemate maybe, or Harry Hill? Unlikely, as so far I am on TV to hypnotise people, and unless a celebrity sees it and wonders if they've been abducted I'll need to do something more entertaining in future if I can get the exposure. I was going to see my grandma in her recovery position (as I have decided to call the nursing home) which is a geriatric version of the Big Brother house. The lounge has a similar layout and the residents hover around gossiping and arguing with each other. She's there a week more and will then see how she manages at home, especially as she doesn't want anyone there to look after her (besides family).

Well, there's little left besides the media progress, the major step being Sky One to reschedule so I can actually be watched by more than 7 people next time. The magazine is scheduled for July at last so that may help my career, though the silence on my latest article isn't promising. So, now if it was a film with tidy beginnings, middle and endings, I'd be set up with a woman next. I can't expect anything now and just let nature take its course. Other people's nature mainly as I described already. So no TV, crap on the radio and little else to do as it's raining. What would you do? I've probably thought of it already.

Smoking guns

At the moment most of my progress is smoking guns. Clues there is an intelligence behind our own which can control matter, time and dimensions. Today's hypnosis again confirmed messages about a technology beyond science, which simply does as I said yesterday (note, before this information came through) through mind over matter. If you can teleport a penny you can teleport a spaceship. Of course. There's no such thing as a small miracle. If you break the laws of physics you can teleport a bogie or an elephant, it makes no difference. Once the principle is established it is open for all.

Besides that shift in perception it would be nice to present me with a femal companion by the same means. I've earned it. I've spent hours in restaurants, car journeys that would never end, audiences and the like (some of which I enjoyed back then) as well as all the right things one does with a woman that very few respond to or appreciate. Had I sworn at them and called them a whore I suspect I'd have got 80% more into bed than being what I would call a decent human being, which I am. And just by knowing a woman is for more likely to want sex with a man who calls her an ugly whore (and now I know why as well) than a gentleman, being a gentleman forces me not to use that route however more successful it has proved to be. Not turning up, being late, dropping arrangements and making a woman feeling you're doing her a favour to see her, has by nature been made to turn up her heat. I didn't make that rule and I won't act like an arse to exploit it. I know the way it works after most of my life learning. But maybe people who act like that will end up losing in the end. I only hope so.

Otherwise life is back to normal having completed another TV filming. I'm awaiting a rearrangement for the third, which is the biggest as far as audience, but have been told I met a very famous Canadian presenter today. I asked about his programme, which I'd never heard of, and he said 'Check the schedule'. It was on almost as we spoke... I'll check it out tomorrow as it's on every day this week. His CV is certainly impressive, he's been with a few stars and clearly pretty high in the profession despite being no older than an even more successful Wayne Rooney. But today I decided I'd crossed the line from wanting to meet celebrities to wanting to be one others wanted to meet. I always did and at last it's happening. Bonuses of being able to spend more than £2000 on a car (not that there's a thing wrong with mine) or move to an area where houses are the same as when they were built by law won't be turned away either, plus the other people you'd meet and of course the inevitable women. I reckon if I made it to a chat show I'd just say 'Listen Parky/Wossy/Oprah, if there are any single women out there who think they'd like to spend the rest of their lives with me, knowing all they do, please form an orderly queue and we'll speed date it out to the finish' I'd get engaged within the week. Tv makes dreams possible simply by exposure. If you spent a million on dating ads it would have the same effect, as some have, using billboards and the like, and it works. Nothing else has, so that's my last resort, but without paying for it.

Well, tomorrow is back to the usual routine but quite acceptably. Just the usual selection of work and the like, and the rest of the week so far is relatively free. But if there is a higher intelligence, please don't make me wait before I'm famous before I can get a woman, there must be a more direct route than that even if I don't know it. And one which doesn't involve a flight to the far east...

Philosophy of chaos

Inspired by Nick Roach (as I frequently am) I saw a lot of my life in what he wrote, that when we want a sense of achievement life then presents ordeals so we can feel we've overcome them when we do. In fact the stress of going through the ordeals now outweighs far more any achievement I now have, and I have lost all need to achieve another thing as long as the alternatives are being content in life and having no more challenges.

Being let down, disappointed and stressed are part of all lives. Only the enlightened have any insulation from it, though some say even then things get to them, so maybe none are truly immune. Last week was a great deal of stress, followed by achievement when I managed it all without wobbling, and then total disappointment when my filming fell through (temporarily, I've been told) on Friday as I twiddled my thumbs all effing afternoon for absolutely nothing.
I was left with nothing to show for the week after all that, and will report on further developments as they happen in a day or two.
I've also realised the bad news I was promised in the email well over a month ago is better not known, as hearing a possible date 8 years ahead or reasons why they can't come back will just close an issue that has technically been dead for 4 years anyway. This is all chaos, as whatever an individual does, the rest of the world is too diverse to control all but the slightest elements. Of course you notice it all as if in HDTV when alone, as there's no relief from it by being able to share it at the time or laugh it off afterwards. Every disaster that happens in or to my house is my problem alone and experienced by no one except the rich buggers who are paid to fix it when they eventually decide to do it. I know exactly why people take drugs as it's the easiest way to escape, but the associated damage to your body is too high a price to pay, and the less effective but safer meditation is all there really is, and can work better in the long run if you're lucky enough (from what I can tell time spent is only one element of success).

I can't be alone in my view. Every time there was a fork in the road in my life it took me away from any outside experiences, from work to social. Eventually I was left unemployable and virtually friendless. Every twist in the road wasn't my choice, as in unlike when I chucked my first girlfriend in 1972 it was my mistake and something I could only learn from. The jobs were simply either ended from lack of business, or never accepted in the first place. If you have problems and are prepared to work selectively, get nothing and then get worse, you may never be able to work again. As for friends, each got on with their own lives until I was left behind and hadn't met anyone to replace them, yet. That never happened before. I did meet a girlfriend as soon as the last friend went west (literally and metaphorically) but she didn't last due to her health problems. That was it, and that was 4 years ago. So since then I've had one job interview and no new women. I put as much effort as anyone can in both but discovered unless you're prepared to take any old crap (in both areas) you will never gain success from effort in either area. You can't do nothing, but it's a combination of simply asking anyone the slightest bit suitable as many times as you can, though in fact many of both come when they're offered to you, jobs more than women but illustrates the uncontrollable nature of all.

So chaos rules, and Nick says rather than try and kill yourself by beating the system, just watch. Eventually the attachment to what goes on grows smaller until you are barely affected at all. The crap goes on but you don't care, though he adds once you lose your attachment the crap actually reduces as it's only you who are creating it. That is a philosophical leap you can only ever know if you become enlightened, and aren't expected to accept on spec. I certainly don't, and luckily his teaching doesn't rely on an intellectual acceptance of the truth (according to him) but an awareness of it through doing so. And it certainly beats the ups and downs (mainly downs) of the alternative. For whatever I've won I feel I've lost far more in return, from my mother's presence to every woman or friend I ever cared about. In return I have a house and a few qualifications that aren't good enough to get a job. Big fucking deal...

A walk in the park

Bunch of arse

What a bummer. I waited all fucking day and the crew from Sky coming to film me were held up in Britain's possibly worst traffic hold up 50 miles away. It wasn't even on the TV news, only the radio traffic reports, but this jam went from a road closure on the M25 in Reigate up the M1 almost as far as Leicester. That's 100 miles and the road was closed for 8 hours. Good timing. They'll be back though and maybe the fact I'll have done another alien abductee regression in between will give me a lot more to talk about.

So I hung around all day while they phoned every so often telling me they were later and later until they gave up altogether as they had a 100 mile journey they'd barely started over 3 hours. I couldn't start anything, do anything or go anywhere as they may have turned up any minute until they didn't and most of the day was gone. I was just pleased it was my second filming as had that happened on my debut I'd probably have had a heart attack with the disappointment.

So there's sod all happening right now, England have their first game in the World Cup at 2 tomorrow which I'm sure will be really exciting against Paraguay (yawn) and that's it. But there is a request I have for everyone here. The 20/20 optical store advertise on LBC 'Eye examinations while you wait'. Now if you google them (the URLs here are far too hard for me to make a link) and send them an enquiry along the lines 'Please can you tell me what other sorts are available?' they may realise they are probably the stupidest fuckers who ever had an ad on the radio. I've been a listener to commercial radio since it began and I'd never heard a blooper like that, especially every day- you'd think someone would have had a quiet qord but it's been on for over a month now.

I've had the busiest week for ages, very glad to have both managed it and got it out of the way, but my reward is postponed. Shows you can only take what you have and never expect anything ahead as it's not reliable. On the unreliable front I've realised as long as my friend doesn't tell me his plans to stay in America it'll be in the air and once he tells me I'll be totally certain in my disappointment. So never email me and tell me, I'll just wait 8 or 10 years and hear when you're coming back out of the blue. Better than knowing and having to forget the whole idea of seeing you again, as near as damnit.

Lucy being a cat

As it says...

Releasing the devil

As I've already related all the nonsense I've done today on Funtrivia (as this wasn't working again) I am allowing the stream of consciousness to open a second time and see what happens.
Sometimes a fleeting idea comes in I wonder if will be useful, then I meditate on it and usually find it doesn't, but at least i've eliminated it from my possibilities. But one I think may have legs is finding the source of happiness. Not outside, but just the source in you. Like tracking down the source of the river, you follow everything you can that makes you feel happy (in your mind), and then keep doing it and see if the feeling grows. If you can get to a point where the feeling takes over anything that's going on outside, you've won. In my own past I was very happy unless something blocked it. In my case studying for exams was the greatest cloud, lack of success with women and then my mother leaving. It's pretty hard to feel happy with most of the things you need gone or things you don't want to do stopping you from doing what you really want.

Now I'm so used to having an empty life happiness is almost a memory. If anything makes me happy now it's like a flash of lightning that hardly ever occurs and is over in seconds. Not anything to feel sorry for me for, but just a random series of events that ended with just the basics and absolutely no more. Not enough for anyone, as I've discovered. People in prison have a roof over their heads and food, and no need to worry about income, but I doubt many of them are happy. And besides the fact my doors open I haven't even got anyone with me, which in prison is only used as a punishment, and temporary. I am on an indefinite solitary, and not the slightest chance of altering that.

So, it's very logical why I won't be likely to be happy relying on outside events, and studied mysticism to look for other ways. As Nick Roach says, being an expert from study is useless if what you know doesn't work when you try it. So just because I can quote worldwide gurus and ideas unless they work for me all I do is move the mess around without clearing it up, as my mother describes most of my life as it goes.
The funny thing is it really only needs one person of a level I find in maybe 5% of all women, which is millions. Eliminate the ones who are taken, too old and too young and you're down to hundreds, then the ones that don't like me and currently it's zero. My family either say it's because I don't go out enough (wrong) or that I'm peculiar (much closer). My recent dream's message was not to take anyone less easygoing as the one in it, so that means if woman A comes across I'll take the fun but won't commit myself to a life of being bossed around just for the sex. But if woman B, the one with a chance impossible to calculate in earth numbers comes across I should take her and hold on to her regardless of any other details. She won't push me around, and as long as she's happy to continue her exploits without a male partner we should make a very happy couple. Like I expect to have a choice. Though I've never had any trouble choosing, I only remember one time I had two girlfriends at once where neither wanted to get rid of me (making my decision redundant) and I was direct enough just to tell one Janet I'd met someone else (another Janet) as I am male and at 17 was definitely beyond any form of diplomacy, which I'm still mastering the basics of.

Dreams have been my last anchor in life. Had I not dreamed about being married and having a family I wouldn't have anything to aim for, as it's never happened to me. You can imagine it, but dreaming it as if it's real is totally different. I even met someone once who looked almost the same as one of the first women I was in love with in a dream but she was a total misery. And I have just realised most happened in Hampstead, which is where I went to school and then worked for half my life altogether. I only met a few girlfriends there while at my second school and they were nothing special. I actually met the most in Hendon and Finchley (and they also lived there) and also a fair number from abroad who either dumped me before they returned or may have left this country again as a reaction...

But take a note from Big Brother. The couples there can't go out so get to know each other purely on how they get on and not how impressive the places are they go to. That is how it should be. God forbid if I got married would I want to carry on 'dates', in fact I can't be bothered to now after 34 years of them. If I never walked in another restaurant or cinema again it wouldn't be too soon. It's the sex and company (probably in that order) that count (I think the opposite for women) and most of the places I go out most women don't like anyway. Besides steam trains, which are all miles away, unless they like long walks and taking photos and films they'll just have to be content with my impressions. I remember one girlfriend who I took out a few times when I collected train tickets. Yes, she found it fascinating waiting in the car while I scoured platforms for any discarded items of interest, and began a small tradition of taking pictures of me by station signs. Actually my father did the first long before as he said you won't see many people at Gunnislake in Cornwall, which is probably true, and is only there as there's no road access from the south of Devon. I took one of the sign at Exton years later, as there was no one to take me there, but then the general ones began in Kemble when we were on holiday in the Cotswolds.

I also have videos my friend took when we went to Yorkshire, Hampshire and Birmingham which are now unrepeatable as the tickets I collect stopped in 1988 and that friend is the one now in America. I went to Birmingham twice with him and once with someone else as they had lots of stations, was easy to get to and had a vast selection of tickets. I think out of all the places I liked Wylde Green the most, probably as it was more like London. I also stayed in Manchester twice with different friends for weekends and collected some prize tickets there, the best being one about 30 years old as it was only used on match days from Old Trafford Football Ground to Manchester. They were some of my best memories, I also used to drive the length of Essex regularly with friends to Southend or Colchester as they had some very good tickets, and the south coast was another good source, ending up in Poole the day they removed their old tickets and just getting a few of the last they ever issued. My coup was after writing to British Rail and getting to Burry Port in West Wales the day they got rid of theirs and the station master saving a heap for me in advance. I was there and back in 8 hours and working that evening. Oh to be young again... Chicken pie in Llanelli buffet. Yes, some things will never be back.

Blogger's back!

Oy gevalt! I was waiting four hours before I could get back in after the latest crash. Am I relieved!

Not that I had anything special to say, but I have flooded my other blog as a result but will still have enough here that may not be so polite as my Funtrivia version.
It's all work and no play this week. Very productive but tiring as hell, and I barely have a chance to get off the train before it's back on again (metaphorically speaking). If it was spread out, fine, but it's all concentrated into one week, which I am neither used to or like, but I'm buggered if I can rearrange even one hour of it as each requires other people's availability and would piss a few off mightily if I was to try and mess them around (not that they don't when it suits them, but I won't go down to their level).

Besides all that, I reckon if I could go into a yogic trance (samadhi) tomorrow that would solve all my problems. In India anyone who can do that is called a saint so I don't think it's something many of us could learn even if we practised for a lifetime. As my friend there says the same faces go to the gurus every day for years and most continue as they haven't yet got anywhere so keep on hoping. My guru (for I have one, Indian but the type who travels to his followers) doesn't focus on spending time with him (an hour a week on video is sufficient) but meditation for an hour a day. It can work for me but the economy has put me off for the last couple of years, which technically I believe should work as if it can a few times it should a lot more. When I have more time I'll do more as I've been round the guru block and apart from Nick Roach who basically aims for the peak and there's really little happening between the base camp and the summit, from what I can gather. There may be signs on the path you're getting somewhere, but not here yet.

Otherwise I am trying simply to stay in the present and not think of the bad and good days ahead in my diary. Some work is such a pain in the arse it really isn't worth the little money it generates. But how can anyone pick and choose with £300 gas bills to pay? The work I'll do tomorrow will pay for about four days food so I'm not in a position to drop it regardless of the fact I have no day off this week and feel it already. Also having no woman here to have sex and look after me means everything I do on the work front is combined with looking after a house single handed and like stay at home mothers, it really is a full time job (if you actually bother to do everything that needs doing). If I get married I hope to be a house husband and work from home in between looking after two or three children. At my age that has reduced to one or two as at 60 having three kids still at school may be a bit too much for me. That was my plan for 30 rather than 50 and as it may never happen I may even end up advertising as I don't intend to go out without a child of my own.

What else? No news on the article yet, but compared to TV appearances I'll live either way without that. Two filming dates now in four days, which considering the coincidental elements in my life is pretty amazing after doing the same work for 5 years with only one filming up till now. It really shouts of a higher power arranging things, and the trouble is though a few others say they feel the presence of one I can see the actions at times but in between everything can be such total cack I find it hard to believe both situations can occur at the same time. As blogger was down you were saved a list of all my train journeys, but it is on my funtrivia blog, which is linked on the left. I think the time has come to add some more of my exhaustive lists since Ben started me off on his blog. I suspect he never reads mine but I get my own back by posting them on his as well. You can run but you can't hide...

Can someone fix the system?

A new and different day. I won't plan ahead besides to say I have two dates in my diary in the next week and will report as they arrive. But tempting fate isn't a good idea and blogging is about the present and past, not the future.

So in the present I have been busy since my last post. Seen my grandma who is almost back to her old self following the removal of her kidney just over a week ago. Then did quite a bit in the back garden despite a dwindling number of tools (the sort of typical mindless thing the local kids do for no apparent reason). Usual food supplies collected later, though the Coop was already closed I had to go opposite, so I got fewer meals but may benefit from having no crisps, which are not good for my weight. On the fitness front, though the size hasn't reduced I now appear to have a flat stomach for the first time in almost 20 years. I can also lift 2X25kg dumbells the full 8 times, as well as 60kg barbells. This is not a great achievement when you see people half my size (though taller) walk in after a few months at the gym and lift more. But compared to what I started with (7.5 kg dumbells first) I'm doing OK. Though it didn't occur to me to measure my biceps when I started (like who does?) they're now 13". If that means nothing measure your own and tell me what they are in comments. It looks pretty big anyway.
I saw a new picture of the three stages in body building, and according to them after 3 1/2 years I'm in the middle. So unless I double my efforts I can't look like a pro for another 3 years. Blimey! OK, by then I should have no trouble doing 30kg dumbells and 80kg barbells which must have more practical uses than carrying shopping, people may finally notice how I look, which has been something absent since I reached about 16 when everyone grew taller than me.

I am in a cat and mouse game with a woman at the moment, who probably isn't reading this but I'd better be careful in case. Of course I want to shag her brains out but she has given me no clues either way and I really am fed up not wanting to say anything too soon. Of course there's another woman who is also extremely unlikely to read this who's brains I'd like to blow out using my tongue in various locations, and again she has given me even fewer clues, and the next time I see her my move will be made. But for once why am I making all the moves and twists nearly always ending in laughter or disgust on their side? Thinking of the few times women have tried it on with me, of course I only remember a couple of times I turned them down (they were frightening) but accepted the other few simply because I'm a man. But one nearly put me off sex as frankly it's barely worth it with anyone not attractive. It's partly the British reserve, and it means that here the few women who act like men tend to look like them. Any attractive and feminine woman plays the virgin card and acts like she's giving you her soul rather than her body. Bollocks they are. It takes two for sex, and with heterosexuals the numbers engaging are 50-50 even. That means every man who has sex has it with a consenting woman. They are not pure, virginal or anything else. They are just pretending they are special. In a way they are, but holding us to ransom and wasting our time for months being friendly knowing full well they wouldn't go near us if we were the last man on earth is simply taking advantage.

How long can it be that an attractive British woman offers herself to any man who likes her, let alone me? I mean it's been 25 years since I got one by working on it myself, and the one who threw herself at me was a lot longer ago than that. There was one disastrous exception in 1992 where my friends beautiful but brain damaged (I do pick them...) ex girlfriend arrived on my doorstep at work, only for him to grab her back out of sheer jealousy before I laid a finger on her, well on anywhere interesting anyway. And she made my dinner regularly which is something I can't remember anyone else doing more than a couple of times.

I will add I had another dream the other night about an ideal woman. I wonder if that one was to show me not to settle for anyone not like her (as I was about to), but the sheer emptiness of living alone couldn't be better than being with someone who isn't as easygoing as she could be as at 46 how long are you supposed to wait for more and better? I would think the second and much less likely prospect would be far better in the long term, shock and surprise everyone but of the two options understands me far more than I think the other ever could. But for once why can't one of them write this sort of stuff about me for a change? I know women do as I read it. But all I seem to raise in the way of anything positive is a laugh. It may get a few women into bed but money is far better despite not wanting anyone who responded to it. I may be busy on the career front at the moment but there will always be the times in between I would like some female company. Probably about 97.5% of them.