May's review

Looking back I had a fairly useful week. Firstly, despite no guarantee of use, I wrote an article for a select but fairly prestigious magazine. Then I saw a nice view of a roof garden near my mum, which led to enough new pictures I decided to invest in a Flickr pro account so I could keep adding photos indefinitely, and am now well over 50 into my new paid area. When you reach a point in life when visits to the local grocers becomes worth reporting something has hit a low point, but it also means I appreciate and notice every tiny detail of my life, and if there’s nothing interesting to report (like many people) I report whatever I can. Including the Polish biscuits and chocolates which no doubt various visitors will also discover. I don’t think there are many places in towns with a very different way of life to my own, there are only so many variations on shops, parks and local characters (or lack of) wherever you are in the world, which is one reason I don’t really care about holidays any more. You still wander around shops (now the same as in Brent Cross) and eat in anonymous places which are no different (besides the superior food I must admit) to any in Finchley or Hendon. Sitting by a pool or beach in hot weather is OK for a while, but not a week or two any more, which is the only major difference abroad. They have hot weather for more than a few days a year. But I can live without it nowadays really.

Generally I have had to accept the way of the world exactly as it is. Nothing happens because you want it to. You do your best, some things work, others don’t, and ultimately any more is down to other people’s choices or nature.
I have learnt one very useful rule though. You don’t always have to do things the right way to succeed. A few people have made incredible allowances for my recent health problems, and been allowed to not do various things I thought were virtually compulsory. Since taking a 3 year counselling course where every move we made was watched, I’ve been a bit over cautious since. I know it’s only people who pay me or go to bed with me who need keeping right, but I still overdo the worrying. But a lot less now as I did manage to get excused from various duties recently as I literally wasn’t up to it and the reasons were accepted fully. So less to worry about in future. Also having a cat is another reason I can’t just stop and disappear for days or longer, even if I could do with a break. Plus anyone who watches the Osbournes has a sample of the mopping up we all have to do after animals, plus the strays who arrive in the rain or any other reason to come inside. I still won’t get rid of my carpets as anything else is uncivilised and just makes the place seem like a huge bathroom. Which of course as far as the cats are concerned it is. Like the true story when our friends had a meal in France and asked where the toilet was, their host opened the back door, pointed to the garden and said ‘wherever you want’, and gave them a spade. Lucy is house trained but if other cats come in she marks her territory. Enough said.

I am being well trained not to look ahead. Hope and faith seem like leftovers from the dark ages, and there are a few unpleasant tasks I have little or no way of avoiding, and it’s better not to look, and definitely not imagine anything good happening as if it does it’ll be fine, and if not I’d only be disappointed. But I can look back on May, and say that I did more than I expected. Plenty of shopping including the DVD burner, which I finally got to work without needing to return it. I took lots of photos, did plenty of mine and my mum’s gardening and bought and sold a car. I’ve got all the notes I needed from the doctor and only have a few little jobs like an eye test and haircut left, mainly as my own optician has gone after about 15 years. But I don’t care about the hair (only my grandma makes me cut it otherwise it would be shoulder length) and I can see OK so I doubt either really matter. So I carry on and make the best of a pretty bare situation. I’ve been put in a similar compound to the Big brother house, but with no people. I have been given (or earned) enough money to buy as many bits of stuff I want, but very rarely anyone to share them with. I can go out and see people and have visitors, but know, like when my friends used to come round, unlike my friends with brothers and sisters I knew mine had to go. So I know what I’m missing but can’t do anything about it. And unlike Big brother, they rarely make the people suffer too much. When they take away the toilet paper one day they find a way to let them get it back the next. But in the real world nothing’s taken care of besides the National Health. If you go broke you go broke. Last year my money was stopped and I realised the welfare state was actually conditional, and not automatic for those on low or no incomes. Hardly anyone realises this and I only do as I had six months with no money coming in at all. Then my iron guttering and wooden beams rotted and I had to spend £3000 otherwise someone could be killed as each piece fell down. Normal household duties but not always possible to pay for. As it was my first major expense in years I’d saved for such an occasion, but not everyone can. So we do our best and hope we don’t reach the lowest levels. But reaching some higher ones would be nice…