Is that it?

I have felt for longer and longer all I get are the crumbs off the king's table. Every achievement I have is half what it could be, and the rare good things are few and far between. It's not everyone as I see many people with what I haven't got, and they didn't work for it, it just landed in front of them as some shit lands in front of me just as easily.

It's just become so clear that I realised it. Each day passes and however well I do in little ways nothing generally happens. OK, I've been on TV, and possibly when that reaches its third incarnation later this year it may have an effect on my life, I hope it does anyway. But until then life is as per usual. Boring everyday crap like the little accounting I do every month or so. Making the most of the few assets I have like my cameras and paints. But nothing changes, besides entropy, where each asset I have is gradually lost one by one. But I've never quite made it in many areas from the day I was born.
Every exam I took was average. I got an A in statistics O level (second attempt) and the rest were virtually nationally median, whichever subject and level I took. My jobs were always either curtailed after a few months (full time) or only part time so little pay. None related to whatever I applied for, most were offered by friends and taken away when I was no longer needed. The applications I made (probably well over 1000 having reached nearly 400 tries once we had to make a record when I was 31) got me maybe 20 interviews or so, and a few jobs which didn't last besides one where I was recommended without applying (probably the closest I got to being head hunted).

As for women I'd go down to bottom 10%, as already described in such intimate detail you can almost smell the perfume. And friends were my only 100% until 2002 when suddenly the one left I saw regularly went abroad as already described endlessly. Thank god I've got all my limbs, though my legs were only allocated at a fraction of normal, which equate to an average 14 year old. That started me off not on the wrong foot but feet. Being the size of a child, you'd be expected to be treated like one by many people who metaphorically pat me on the head when I say anything clever, as if their friend's 10 year old had just come out with it, and women can't take me seriously very often either. On the internet this changes as they only see my personality, and accept the height as a lesser evil/shortcoming (literally). That's one benefit of TV, women fall in love with the image and can't see the height, and by then it doesn't bother them. But if you see them in person that's what they see first and they switch off.

My actual talents aren't half cocked, just half used. I write, paint, play the piano, perform all sorts of comedy and take pretty nice photos (hardly a contentious claim), but have never made much from any of them despite trying. People have to have agents as it's a start having any talent, we need marketing, which is a different talent and one in great demand by those who can't get a career going. Now if any of these areas start paying me money the job issue will be fixed. I can do most of these from home as well, and having been unable to get a job elsewhere for 6 years aren't used to the idea now so can manage without it if possible.
Remember that by arranging my life on screen like this it allows me to assess myself. It's almost a byproduct people read it as well, as it's not as if any of it means anything unless you've met me. And then you'd know it already as most people have heard it in the first hour. But people I know have lives and spend little or no time on the internet. A couple read this once in a blue moon (hello Solly and Penny!) and Penny was nice enough to comment as well. Fiona may read as well sometimes, and if you are I am still missing you since you went away again. But my life revolves around the internet. I can do nearly anything besides actual sex here. I can't meet people directly either, hence the lack of sex, but can video conference, perform, and share everything else I create in minutes.

Finally tomorrow should herald my 10,000th hit since last December. Sadly the cockamamy counter appears to count page turns, though I doubt each person turns 6 pages a day as each page covers about a month. One day someone can explain the details to me but it's probably somewhere between the two figures. The comments have dried up again recently, though I think many of my FT/JV friends still pop in. So to celebrate 10,000 whatever it added up, please sign the comment box, then I'll know who is around. I'll post this again on its own so people actually see it as well.