Sunday's neuroses

This is a fascinating exercise in neurosis. What I’m wondering now is who I’m trying to impress with my achievements, and I reckon besides proving to myself the weird and diverse health problems I’ve been having won’t stop me having a life, it’s the woman in my life (position currently vacant) who is the sole person who really matters as far as their opinion of me. I have been ranking anything I’ve done recently for lack of anything better to do, and would really be pleased to be reporting major successes rather than list a few chances ahead, where if one happens it’ll be a miracle.
So far the last reported success was 3rd of March with my first speaking role on TV, albeit seen by the odd anorak and someone who couldn’t work out how to use their channel changer and got it by accident. Plus maybe many more people in India now which is something but none can bump into me in Church Lane and recognise me from TV. It’s the same story as I was given years ago by a typical representative of a woman who used me based on my obvious interest. That was the one area of wisdom that helped me, despite enjoying a week touring South Devon with her, dancing in a pub, eating a takeaway in the car and taking her to the laundry, prior to the trip to her mother in Poole when she said goodbye and never contacted me again. Her pearl of wisdom was that I was unhappy as I had the things I needed but not the things I wanted. Now I have less, as my health is unreliable and doesn’t allow many other things. Hence the challenges to achieve. In the past, like many other people, I could spend a day travelling and working and not notice it. It’s only when you go wrong physically anything becomes a challenge and you no longer trust your body in any situation. Now anything I do makes me think, well, at least I could do that today, will I be able to again?

Admittedly as long as one single woman accepts these limitations I can survive under these circumstances. Within my limits few can tell I’m any different. I am the same person and if feeling OK even better than usual. But it’s out of my hands, all I can do is learn from it and discover how many disabilities one can have while still managing to get things done. Anyway, that is why I look forward and back and try and get as much on the board as possible, as I really appreciate anything I do now as I can’t take any of it for granted.

On yesterday’s theme, my statement was confirmed by two Indian callers on the radio, a woman who said their families would disown them if they went out with an English man, and a man who said his friends criticised him for mixing with English people, saying he should mix with his own. Now THAT is racism, and it certainly offended me. Both were born here, but the second caller said none felt this was their country. This is what I mean about being neutral or negative to their host country. They see themselves as outsiders and have little or no interest in anyone except their own people. This shows a total lack of respect, and that my attitude is one of reaction, not hostility. QED, yet again.