All or nothing

Two in a day, though really the last one was yesterday but I live hours behind everyone. Today was my big day off. Health is clearly affected by stress and my tiredness appears to be connected with the return of the earache, all brought on by the sort of news I learnt some time ago we are all not immune from. You can't avoid any real disaster just like you can't make someone phone you when you're bored. All you do is avoid all the problems you can and get the ones you can't, which are as big as any others. Admittedly mine is only theoretical until the whole dispute procedure is over but as they say you are only in a situation where the potential is now, as in a football match. Unless I score 7 goals by the end of the second half I'm going to lose. So although it's possible it's not going to happen unless something changes pretty major.

I also realised all my life I've been drawn to all negativity as I see humour in it. Pleasure is fun for me and not for reporting. It's not funny either. When I told people the few really good things I'd done they glazed over and said I was boasting. So we all really hate to see others doing well unless we are as well. Otherwise we feel cheated. So even though it turns me into a potential depressive I am drawn to all disasters and find a fascination with failure and suffering. And when I talk about diarrhea, death, arguments, bad weather, being rejected and all the other regular parts of life we all hate but love to listen to, I find the audience enthralled. So although I'd prefer to be happy and successful somehow there's no story in it and it does seem by talking about the dirt and darkness it becomes the only reality for you as a result.
I felt cheated by life in as many ways as exist. Being an only child started me off as a solitary whinger and thinker and stopped me socialising with anyone but left wing intellectual jews of my parents' age. So by about the age of 7 I was a small version of Woody Allen, talking about medical issues gained from reading the family books since I could read, mental illness, dreams and failing at school, all through the hippy aura of 1967 onwards. Precocious I'm sure but age is never connected with wisdom, only experience, and I could sometimes see through teachers and others in authority as I could see at that age some of the bullshit ways they treated kids and talked down to them. Then I stopped growing at 14, at a typical 14 year old height. My friends all reached 6 foot and I rarly danced with a girl shorter than I was. Though they wore heels it still raised even the tiniest to my height and it must have taken me 20 years to realise there were other things that could attract women besides height.

Then I was kicked out of the family house at last, after hanging on for 5 years despite having a place of my own I came and went from. It was only as it was sold I had to go as it was no longer there the next day. 14 years later I'm still alone and with absolutely no logical way out. So th foundations for negativity are deep rooted and the easiest way to adapt and exploit is to make a story out of it. If people didn't respond I'd probably grow out of it, but like Tony Hancock most people can identify with the dropout and fall guys as it takes the heat of them. If someone treads in the dogshit first everyone else can avoid it. It's a role I never wanted but seem to be returned to, just like Buddha had to be Buddha I have to be the fall guy. So when I recover from one thing a day or two later something else happens. Had there been a gap I may recover properly, but each new disaster or problem comes now so soon after I leave the last the gaps barely notice and I just have a new turd to look at from the previous one.

Anyway, I retain a small amount of detachment as I know I'm doing it, and can see most of the reason is it's a script dying to be written. Until I can make a film or TV series of it my only chance to become the Tony Hancock of this century is describing my problems. Ideally it would become a career and by making a career half the problems would go as a result and then I'd just be pretending, much like Woody Allen does in his films. I hear he really isn't like that but it makes good movies. Just because he always plays the same character makes him no more that person as any other long running character. I'm still reading stuff about how to gradually switch your mind and even your life from negative to positive but the trouble is when negativity naturally comes into my life I have the ability to exploit it so it seems to almost be attracted and moulds my personality as a victim. I hardly need an analyst as I look in a mirror (the screen) and do it all myself.

Back to reality, my day off was still well used, I did a little work but have now completed the accounts and hope that's done for another year besides the tax entries I usually do. It did keep me busy but as always there was a sting in the tail when the figures I took from my computer were finally wiped out by the only written data we had, solely from having a set of data at home so I can work when I please. The end figure would have been identical but just not a shock as for a month we thought it was a couple of thousand more in the company's favour and when I finally used hard copy I found whatever figures I'd used here were baloney. Don't ever rely on a computer to store accounts. They can hide and change every entry you make and if you tag it with one it's not meant to have it'll turn up in the wrong place and fuck up every balance you try and make. I also took some architecture locally I was directed to from a flickr house group, which produced more nice ones, and collected a film my father had started and I finished of pictures about 3 years old to now. I posted the best online and some were quite good but not as good as with the SLR or digital. Compact cameras will always be toys and turn out random results as you can't see what you're taking or change what you see outside very narrow limits. I also called the radio and spent much of the remaining time on the phone. I hope to have a little walk next although it's freezing outside, since the global warming remains in the minds of the sheep who believe in it and the liars who told them it was here. If I said the martians are coming they'd lock me up, but if a politician says the world is going to burn (on just as little evidence) and gets enough of his colleagues to agree the lower orders fall for it hook line and sinker. How and why would elected and unelected superiors make stuff up to increase our taxes? Oh, the answer is in the question, ie 'to increase our taxes'.

In the same way terrorists allowed them to make our privacy and freedom of movement similar to Stalin's Russia and we thanked them for doing so, lying about a potential threat of a degree or two above what it is now making the world into Dante's inferno if they don't rob us blind is exactly the same scenario. Throughout history the world has been a lot warmer and colder, and there was more time with no ice at the poles implying warm is normal. Not to these arseholes. The fact oil and gas are running out now and we use them to keep warm tells me anything that keeps the north and south a little warmer will conserve these resources as you only cut your heating when the temperature goes up, unless you're stupid and follow the green lobby. Yes, far better to catch every germ going from hypothermia than actually have a quality of life. These sods who tell you to stop driving, lower your thermostat and use 3 watt lightbulbs so you can walk into the door or tread on the cat are not doing these things themselves believe me, except for the few so on the edge that they shouldn't be allowed to adjust their own thermostats. Most people do as they're told if they trust the source of authority. As I said, from an early age I tested every order, and was punished regularly as a result. As I just have been again, the biggest ever. If I said the money demanded most people would marvel such a sum existed to repay. I'm talking quiz show money. But in the negative. I seem to be being presented with every fear I ever had as a reality one by one, and denied most of my wishes, plus any wishes I had fulfilled were taken away as I explained (add mother leaving in 1981 to that).

Now if I could ever publish these stories and get paid it would fix the financial problem and the guilt about being one of the long term doleites. It would also add to my status and maybe even meet a few people through it. Tragedy has always been a big seller but although it's universal not many people exploit it and write about it. The trouble is I'm an authority on it and as soon as I drift towards normality something happens to send me back into negative mode where I am so comfortable and familiar and know exactly what to do with it as far as making it into a drama. Lose/lose situation, unless that book and film deal ever materialise.

One small bonus, the TV channel I was on last month and previously has just been axed. Thank god I was on and repeated 3 more times first as it could have happened at any time. It could be my last ever appearance for all I know but at least I appeared. Unless something really silly happens I will be on web TV any minute (read months) and will post a link but I think it'll be pay only, sorry. Ironic they've put me on a channel where no one can watch without paying when none of the cast were paid except the presenter. I don't make the rules...