With the demise of Star Trek and Seinfeld I realised the perfect solution to revive the whole lot would be the Seinfeld cast on board the bridge of the Enterprise for the new series, Star Trek, the kosher years.
Jerry as Captain, George as number one, Elaine as communication/yachna officer and Kramer as the token goy in charge of security.
Jerry is on the bridge. Incoming video message from his mother. Jerry, do you really think you can navigate a spaceship? I really think your brother would have been better at it. And there are so many germs out there in space, did you make sure you got your shots? Mom, I've got the Klingon ambassador with me, I don't think he's interested in our family differences. What, you're embarrassed about your mother? I wiped your tuchis for two years and you worry about some schvartzer Klingon seeing me? Mother, this is 2458, we don't call them 'schvartzers' any more. Ach, you think they understand? They can't even speak English without a translator...
George arrives. 'What's wrong with this replicator? The number of times I've asked it to get my chocolate chip cookies right and they still taste like crap. It would be easier to beam to Manhattan and buy a packet whenever I run out. But I'm not paying for it.'
Incoming announcement 'It's been 3 weeks since I've had any sex' 'Elaine, I keep telling you, the communication officer isn't supposed to use the system for their personal issues' 'What's the point of having the ear of the whole ship if I can't use it?' 'It's against Starfleet regulations' 'Starfleet? What do they know about my oestrus cycle? Jerry, I'm almost ovulating and if I don't get a piece soon I'll soon be looking at George!' 'Okay Elaine, I think I can let that go'.
Of course Jason Alexander was in Star Trek before Seinfeld, and enough of the officers were jewish the new format is only a natural progression. Then (being a robot) Data could be information officer and just discovered his jewish identity, as I did fairly recently. 'I am actively exploring my history captain, what are the correct circumstances for saying 'oy gevalt'?' If only I could eat, I want to try kreplach mit lockshen' 'Captain, can we use the Vulcan temple as a synagogue on Saturdays? I've memorised the whole morning service and just need you to qualify me as a rabbi'. Then he decides to become frum and replicates a beard and peyess and wears a black hat. 'Data, we're all jews here but it doesn't mean we have to be orthodox' 'Captain, I feel I must fully get into my true being, it has been 350 years I have been separate from my identity and this is the truest way I can relate to my roots' 'Thank god he wasn't a Jamaican George...'
end of episode one.
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1 comment:
I needed a good laugh. Thanks David.
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