Back to bleeding normal

Excitement over, real life returns. Tired today, besides going to the gym which finally woke me up a bit I think last week finally caught up with me. The week ahead is peppered with exactly the same routine I've had the last few weeks and until I actually get there my imagination rolls it all together as if it's all happening at once, which it never can. There are a few slightly interesting plans as well, I'm collecting a couple of old family photo albums made by my late uncle with some pictures I've probably never seen before. I'm also completing my own third album which will be on its way with an advance order, and also get the new photos I took developed tomorrow. Everyday stuff, ups and downs and that's it over and over again. I reckon today was the anticlimax after yesterday, back to normal, and the electric camera wound a 36 film back after 22 so I couldn't even finish what I wanted to take to use the film up.

So I hope every moment, or any moment ahead this week is better than I thought, and there may be some positive balance to the dull stuff, OK stuff that usually pays me money, and boring chores which have to be done sooner or later, alone. I do appreciate the loyal readers, I know a few regulars return and if I write I prefer it read by an audience as otherwise I can use my notebook as I do anyway. Technically the routine of the last few weeks was pretty good, it was a few days working and a few days photos each week. I saw a few people and got a little business done as well. But when it seems that whatever I did before doesn't affect now or possibly ahead it all seems to have vanished. Not the slightest benefit from my efforts besides pages of photos. Maybe there's more but I'm not aware of it yet. I carry on as there's nothing else I can do, and sometimes trust me, I leave elements out here which contribute to my moaning. There is more at times and stuff anyone would have trouble tolerating. OK, we all have the same shit, but mine seemed to have been fairly consistent that one followed another for such a long time. I moaned with reason, not oversensitivity. Mathematically if anyone added up my life since say 1981 it's been rough in many patches.

Once my mother left I then had to retake exams annually till 1984 when I finally got my degree 2 years late. In 1993 the family house was finally sold and although I'd had my own place since 1988 had no alternative to return to when I felt like it. My tenants, designed to combine income with company, were like letting stray cats or tramps in the house. Not the answer. Years with dating agencies in my 30s meeting women a decade older than me with children and a bad attitude, losing a job in 1997 and never getting another except for a week despite hundreds of applications. OK there were obviously highs as well, but the total if you combine the two piles, just like the dreaded balance sheet I just produced, is a fairly big loss. Those are the facts and objectively I say put anyone else in exactly the same position that I am and they would barely feel any different to me. It is tough and it is not through any action I could have taken or not taken of my own.

Now tomorrow and the week ahead may well be ok, once the accounts are put to bed that will help, and then who knows. But those are the figures and make up the foundations of my present life. Put them together and see what they add up to.