Backwards and forwards

Before I carry on I've seen another little synchronicity today, they all count if the odds are long enough rather than the actual content. I always call LBC radio with news stories as they were the only place (Clive Bull anyway) where you could decide what to talk about. Recently Clive has been apparently setting an agenda so left a couple of messages asking if I could call about the IPCC admission they are after all an economic redistribution centre and not environmental. Like we needed telling. I'll personalise that, like I needed telling- we did need telling as those who accept they are doing a necessary job somehow can't see that huge taxes and carbon trading do nothing but that very action. I turned on and what's he talking about? CO2 reduction! They must mention climate less than once a month and the night I'm determined to spread a story no known media have touched with your cock let alone their own it was my duty (who else offered?) to break it. I covered that plus the fact that doubling CO2 gives a paper rise of 1C, the rest is down to unknown feedback which may either not exist or actually be negative as the natural sinks may well prevent any imbalance over time.

Other than that now I've got the chores out of the way I'm still free- a month now and used it pretty well. Getting dark at 4 means besides a bit of late shopping I get in and stay in. I visit my parents (separate sides of London) at weekends and often have the ex over once in the week, and the rest is up to me. I've written three articles so far and suspect one from the remaining two alive will be used, doubling my total if so. Of course the more you are out there the greater the chances of being spotted and asked for more. Being down to chores after filming last week then I've got the gravestone duty, eye test and car service remaining. None urgent but all need doing. I also sent three new Friends Reunited messages last week- an ex I dumped, a friend of a friend and someone from nursery school. One I can understand blowing me out to return the compliment, one as we'd last have met at five (didn't stop Gary whose parents still live round the corner after 50 years) and the other was a bit of a bitch anyway so we never really got on, but as her very nice sister wasn't there I wrote to her instead. Like she'd work that out. Her sister got a boyfriend when I was about to make my first move decades ago so I quietly left the scene.

I did of course get the very blurred picture of the sign on my corner at last last week, the only extra in a well planned system. Two new tour videos and lots of other photos. I wore myself out in only an hour cutting the bushes in my late grandma's and scanned in loads of other negatives which showed a small percentage of all had never been printed by the chemists. I'd never seen any before and will be getting them all printed soon. Socially I am trying to rekindle old names as much as current as what's current has more or less dried up and reached a limit. I haven't got round to any of the few phone calls not of a business nature but probably start this week in case they think I don't want to talk to them, but unfortunately with many having to come out to each as an agoraphobic before we make any arrangements makes it into more of a chore than a pleasure. If you can't do most things they can there's no point keeping quiet as once you've turned down every offer they either think you don't want to see them or work it out anyway. I told one who said she didn't mind but wasn't into sex (any level whatsoever) so no fucking use there, whichever way you say it. Unfortunately she's also the most attractive by far although lacks proportionally in the mental department. Not attractive and single for nothing of course. The others are very average and fairly old (although doesn't look it) and above average but peculiar. They're both divorced and one moved too far to bother travelling to (bearing in mind my issues) and doesn't drive herself. We went out for a couple of weeks already and only argued half the time as she is well known for. So I keep looking up old people from the past who aren't faulty in some way, or weren't in 1965 or 1980 at least.

I don't know if I'll ever 'make it' in any of the ways I'd like- in fact I'd made it living at home besides not being able to keep a decent girlfriend, I was qualified, had a decent job and just needed a woman to complete the picture. Then I had to move as it wasn't my own house, then lost my job, then lost my best friend abroad and pretty well unmade it as a result. I have however added a new method to the system from the video of Louix Dor Dempriey, of speaking to God directly and finding it directly that way. Don't work alone, ask the boss. Strangely that is the first thing since meditation that seems to cause a shift of any sort within me, however vague or subtle, that tells me he probably knows what he's talking about. Unlike much of the pretty technical and heartless teaching I've mainly come across, his message God is love and you can have it all is what I always imagined enlightenment to be, not this crap that you aren't real however accurate that may be. But simply looking and seeing all there is is awareness plus what is within that, but no individual behind it (direct experience, it's true) is pretty much noticing the obvious to me and doesn't cause any realisation beyond a technical discovery my personality is no more than retrieving data from a disk when required. I here and now am not the disk, I use it to remember things when I need to and the rest of the time I am gone. Thoughts and sense input passes by but no person there to witness them, just the senses and thoughts within the awareness. Big bloody deal. No peace and love being aware of that, I am aware of that, so what?

So maybe the fact I can disappear (I was never here at all, the illusion disappears) means I've got the first step to enlightenment but it's made no difference here. Talking to God may do, as we are designed to feel good and bad and know which is which. Enlightenment has to be about feeling good, no person there to feel it but all can tell which is which with no subject to do so, there's crap is a genuine observation and with or without an illusory me it's still crap. Louix appears however to have the simple key to unlock the real blockage to our growth of consciousness.