Busy on the keyboard at least

Back again, but time and space dictate when I do this rather than actual events. I now have a little slide scanner I found locally looking online, and got all the holiday photos up I've got so far, and have a huge box of others apparently not relevant to go through when I get round to it. This is me when I was 9 in Scotland



Well I beat the system and HTMLed it myself. Uploading is meant to be easier but clearly no longer.

I also spent an hour filming arseholes driving with mobile phones today, I'd done it once with the still camera with many results, although stopped when I was chased to behind the pub. I worked with a long zoom this time and tried to keep just out of their vision. I got 8 clear offendors as well as a few who I couldn't get in time and one where the camera didn't go on, which was the best one as he was stuck trying to get out of the bus lane. But eight clear offendors, mostly with number plates may send a message, and the company who owned the brand new van being driven by the turd on the phone risking their 5 figure property may get wind of it, OC Building in Harlesden. There was a motorway maintenance lorry pulling an excavator also on the phone who went past too quickly to take as well. It is pretty shaky in parts but can see what they're up to and pause if you want a better look.

I am on another non-date tomorrow after being railroaded to another pub, although with notice managed to call the shots on which one this time. This is what I've come down to, and impossible to turn down without a real girlfriend to eliminate any others who aren't actually up for it. I don't think my pictures will be in the paper this week as haven't heard anything for tomorrow, and if not next week will have to send my message 'upstairs' to see if I can fix it. No one wants to do a job and then see it wasted, paid or not.

Beyond is a mystery, I've done plenty of stuff this week though including the slide scanner, getting my food and riding the bike all over now the sun's come out. There's no need to worry about old signs, although a classic turned up in the slides albeit half covered by a balloon. It's not in my personal collection despite knowing it well as I can't be sure I was actually there when it was taken (I probably was as he wouldn't have gone to Hampstead Fair without me). I'd have settled for a clear shot but you can read where each place is from the second half off them at least. If I can be calm and relaxed tomorrow knowing I've got to go out later I'll be amazed and very happy, who knows what could happen. I'll need the horse pills at least at the time but would like to manage beforehand as well. That's the equal part of phobias for anyone who doesn't have them. I've tried many things but a miracle would seem the only remedy to me at the moment.

Many years of reflection

This is pretty much an experimental entry after some time. Many of my original ones were as I hadn't started describing my life, past and present, but now I'm coming up to 5 years of doing so on the days nothing special has happened and nothing's inspired me there really isn't much material to call on I haven't covered already. Or is there? Had I been in analysis presumably there would be a very deep well of information, and the longer I went on the deeper I would get.

Having a memory from the age of almost 2, I have more to draw on than most, and don't remember ever thinking or feeling any different then than I do now. Same ups and downs, same reactions etc, and many of the same interests. No way can that be environment- how much environment have you had to mould you in two years? As I've been analysing myself as long as I remember if there's much I haven't found I'm fascinated to know what it is. And even if I discover more I can't see much changing. I can be aware of it but only as an observer. And if there's anything new round the corner that will change after all this time I'll be amazed to see it.
The memory also tells me the environment I want. For most this is an previously unexperienced idealised life, maybe abroad, maybe with great riches. For me I want the life I had until my teens, in the same place and similar people. That was my role model and everything I've lost of it since tells me that's what I would rather have. A totally ordinary suburban family life with the benefit of fame if that can be added as well.

Most people have done that, maybe not as wealthy as their parents yet (except the lawyers who can buy their parents' house and pay their bills nowadays), I always feared being kicked out somehow, and worse than that I stayed and my mother left. Then I was kicked out 12 years later. I sensed unless I was married I'd gain nothing from moving out, and got that right. I had the money as I worked after leaving college in what was a very cheap property market so bought a place by 28. That was no fun at all and couldn't get a tenant either so spent most of the time at my father's anyway. The investment was all I wanted and in no hurry to actually live there unless some woman turned up to share it. The woman situation was a simple Venn diagram. The intersection between the women I wanted and the women who wanted me was almost nothing, and the few in it were all sabotaged somehow so didn't last. The dropouts and bores I attracted were worse than nothing so remain alone despite dropping my standards 50% by 40 as planned. Women raised theirs at 40 for some reason so made no difference overall. Creativity does come from suffering as it's a way of relieving it, but unless it's used within your lifetime it only helps other people and not the creator.

I have no clues, plans or answers. The best I do is visit the area I left as often as possible (as I did today), keep connected with it and hope one day if nothing else I can afford to buy a place there myself. This house is fine but not in the area where I belong. If I can think of anything original to help I'll be truly amazed, as besides the slight benefits of meditation life is as it is. I did always have dreams of entertaining people, and will continue this plan as long as I live. That leads to a social life and should fix both at once. One reason I watch all I can from the 60s and 70s is to bring back some of that period to the present, as whatever we had then is all but lost now. You can't lose the recorded TV from then at least, what they kept of it anyway. Every now and then I have dreams of the ideal life, a combination of then and how it could be now, as if I was the head of a large happy family back in the 70s. I certainly knew plenty. Where I lived if you bring the wealth to the current figures most families we knew would be millionaires (we wouldn't mind you, we just mixed with them). They were a mixture of the Hampstead intelligentsia, Jewish professionals and a few wealthy business families who started with nothing.

Most had large families, at least more than the one of me, and the best times were spent around Hampstead Heath, in the snow in winter, the coffee bars there and in Golders Green and wandering around the shops and going back to one of their houses for tea. This was also in the hippy era so many of the females were dressed either like that or like Twiggy, and the fathers were no longer the Victorian patriarchs of the 50s who had overlapped the decades, but intellectual comedians who probably had orgies with their wives and friends and walked around the house naked. The money meant their houses had the best decor of the period, some had games rooms for the kids to disappear to, and most ended up at the top schools when old enough to. Christ knows what happened to them all now. They all dropped off the radar sooner or later, I changed schools many times, people moved away, grew up, died, the usual things. I stayed put and did the same I always had while everyone else came and went. I tried a few others long ago but home is best in the end and I am content in the best parts of London thank you. Only a handful of readers would be familiar with the roads and places I mean, but trust me few places in the world have many like them.

As for being realistic who knows? Finance alone dictates where I live, I could have bought my parents' old house at least once had I enough to do so. That alone would give me the roots to improve my life no end. Bring my friends back from America? Only they can do that and so far are set to be there some time ahead. And a comfortable family life even in the same place in the 2010s can't be that similar to the 1960s or 70s. But they are still alive in me, so touch everywhere I go from inside, and when I complain about things the most it's because I remember how they used to be and seen how cheap and nasty has replaced class and quality in every aspect of life. Jonathon Ross sums it up TV wise, he's paid £6 million to be the biggest wanker and talentless waste of space to set an example to every thick twat on the planet who can swear and thinks they're funny. Do we really want shite like that instead of the harmless and sometimes non PC genuine talents of the 60s? Well I certainly don't.

Are my standards totally unrealistic or something I can genuinely aspire to?