The ramblings of a madman

I must become better at making something out of nothing. It's good that work is now stopping me from having too much empty time, and also feel less guilty for any complete days off as I've earned them. How I make something from very little includes the creative side, writing, doing little Youtube performances, painting and whatever else comes to me. Having grown up in Finchley where both Peter Sellers and Spike Milligan lived gave me some local inspiration, although I never came across either. The Goodies and Monty Python team all lived in Hampstead and Cricklewood next door, and occasionally bumped into some of them locally although never disturbed them. Whether an area can effect our personality is unlikely (besides causing depression) but people of certain types often seem to be found in small areas. Kingsbury is no exception.

So currently there's nothing possible to look forward to in any area. Business is done, time is free outside bookings but there's little else going on. If this is a phase and life actually starts becoming exciting that is the less likely option of two, but not impossible either. I slept too badly on Friday to risk going to the library as you need your wits about you with women. I can slip that in any day except a Wednesday when they close. I never miss an opportunity to make anything happen in life but always find the big stuff comes when it wants to not because I make it happen. Like sleeping, you can go to bed but sleep comes when it chooses to. Everything else of much value is the same. You can go to every disco and party in town but meet the right one when you visit a friend.

I know it's unrealistic but I could really do with something nice happening either I hadn't worked for or put the work in ages ago and given up on. I may avoid tasks I don't like (who doesn't given the chance?) but throw myself fully into the others that are just hard work but tolerable like weightlifting. Once a task is accepted it is done fully or given up. No pissing around like most people you come across who cut corners and make mistakes and just try and get jobs out of the way as quickly as possible or try not to do them at all and make excuses. People hate it when they do it to them but still happy to when it suits them, like the late payers I know only too well. They take out summonses very quickly when anyone owes them but do exactly the same when they feel like it and hit the roof if anyone sues them. Hypocrisy is another human failing and one of the lowest.

One thing I have learnt. What is obvious to me either from experience or intuition is not common knowledge so do what I can to teach others. I work by simplifying situations and removing bad practices rather than offer new methods. It's a lot easier to stop doing something wrong and by default you are going to get whatever it is done better. We all know how to walk but it's a lot easier if our shoes are on the right feet and there aren't any weights hanging off us we don't need to carry. So remove the obstacles and the path normally opens up on its own with no new instruction.
This works for more and more situations, and for me I see similar patterns apply wherever things are wrong, but most people take no notice when you point it out anyway. I see power being abused, and half the fault is those who allow it as it's inevitable it will happen unless the victims stop it as many powerful people get carried away sooner or later. The only power I want is over myself, it is nice when my requests are accepted but that will always be by choice not by any pressure I can exert. Let the Mafia do their job and I'll go straight.

I have used 'The Secret' for about a year now, and two goals at the top of a very short list were reached, so have that as a possible reserve, in the large 'Things you don't understand but may actually work' department. I have a longer list now but must just do one or two maximum at a time or it won't be focused. Now if that kept working it would cut every corner in everyone's life, and is no less enjoyable when got the easy way after 49 years getting things the hard way. I do believe I must receive a lot of my information from another source. When I turn on I can simply write a complete proposition or poem in one go with barely a pause and it all works at the end with no alterations required. That's happened fairly recently and I think I may have just opened up that channel with practice, and something we can all do really.

Finally for those either in London or sad enough to go online to www.lbc.co.uk they've got a newsreader on recently on the late shift, Clemency Norris, who sounds like she's got a cleft palate. It's one thing having equal opportunities but just as I wouldn't choose a blind taxi driver an announcer with a bad speech impediment is not a good ad for the station. If it's a physical disability then work behind the scenes, and if not then spend your massive salary on speech therapy for a while and then come back when you've fixed it. If mynah birds can get every language and accent right then a bloody announcer can. There's another they employed at the same time who can't make the 'th' sound which is a local issue and again should either iron it out or change jobs. That is just irritating and I have no option hearing people saying 'wiv' anywhere in and around London without one being paid to do it on the radio. Accents are great but you don't learn to speak posh and launch yourself on the public before you've completed the job. I'd be far happier if they let the odd swear word out than speech defects. That would lose a few listeners and gain thousands I reckon.

"This is the ten O'clock news: Gordon Brown has fucked up his chances of winning the next election. Sir Alan Sugar has become a Lord, can any twat make it now if he can? A careless bugger has killed three people on the M6" etc. I'd certainly take more notice...

Should I bother?

Back again. Great names of journalism and autobiography are probably great partially as they manage to write whatever else is happening. I must have had the most boring day in memory, rain assisted, and as it continues all I can do is try and write about it. I just checked my hits and I think even if a couple of people read (or look and run away) each day it's worth continuing, and my hits are about 10 a day, though one had 35, maybe I called the radio that day which of course would raise some interest. My other sites are picking up on balance, though my msn just lost its counter, which I was told about, and now instead of freezing at the last figure as it said it's invisible so I couldn't set the new one. And when I added it all it did was show a link to its own site and no bloody numbers. Why do we ever bother?

So next week, health and sanity permitting (not reliable at the moment) I'm starting the short process of marketing my photo albums. Being unemployed means you can make the best of your talents and then see if you can sell them. OK, I'm self-employed but the hours I work I may as well be unemployed. The couple of women still talking to me may be visiting as well, though one for business (she says) and the other unknown and untested as yet. I need a haircut as well but I'm not holding my breath. The question I sometimes ask is given the identical situations to me would anyone else react the same way or am I really too sensitive? Until I can find anyone with even similar conditions (there aren't that many) I wouldn't know, and the ones with my mental condition are not a good place to start either as they tend to come as a selection. I have no other issues thank god, sensitivity being the only one and in the days of the epic poets hardly a disadvantage, besides dying in your 30s which I at least avoided. Being born in the Victorian era or fighting on a war didn't help them either though.

This computer just did the equivalent of a geriatric wetting its pants by removing the last paragraph, maybe not such a bad thing on reflection, I was saying how real life appears to have stopped all but the few from blogging since the peak last year, and having 3 hits a day means people do read this, I just miss the 50s I was getting and the associated comments. But people become busy and I still return to the internet. I may still save the preferred entries to one place and see what I can do with it, at least it'll be another collection for me to offer the market in my media path. One thing about writing is however unpolished it may be you have an editor to fix it unlike any other performance so I do my part and they can choose to improve it. But how many people can have so much to say and not try and make some use of it? I think it would be a waste not to.

Snowbound

Today is free, all day. I was intending to go to grandma's later but there's 4 inches of snow on the roads and I'm going nowhere. I've been busy this week besides yesterday's missing appointment (nobody's fault) so today was a welcome break, though I haven't exactly exploited it, not that you really can under the circumstances. And someone read my blog! It still happens! More a random occurrence now than a daily routine but thank god I don't write to read again myself. So all I did today was burn all the latest photos to CD having ordered prints last night. There's sod all on TV so as I have to stay in I may watch old videos I took of local roads or tidy the house. Better than stress anyway.

At least a few things are as they should be for a change. I have an amazing new computer and mouse and the DVD burner and accounts are working again thanks only to my determination not to let them pack up. Or luck, either could be the case. And if someone I know ever reads this who has joined Funtrivia I said he'd like it, so that was a job well done. So now I have an evening to make the most of. There are some phone calls that must be made sooner or later, other than that it's pure chance. No one in the house to talk to forces me and anyone else into an inner world of solitary pursuits, like being in a cell within another universe, separate from the world with other people in it. There are secondhand clues like voices on the radio and words on the screen but no actual bodies. Sanity has to be more strongly tested alone than in any other circumstance, and besides pure stress and suffering I don't think it can really be shaken, just tested to its limits. Every thought is magnified and instead of passing stops and has a full inspection, especially the negative ones. Bad habits are set up but no more.

Let's see if the evening has a little more to offer than usual, it is possible.

Yesterday continued

Today seems like yesterday in the atmosphere, admittedly I did see a few work related visitors but the evening ones either switched to tomorrow or vanished altogether. After the last one I did the computer things, watched 2 hours of TV then went out on my bike and bought a few things from the corner shop. Then I came home and face absolutely nothing. Apart from doing this which seems pretty pointless, there's nothing on TV and little else worth doing. No one to talk to is a real punishment, especially after so long.

Meanwhile I am continuing to aspire to become a real writer, despite this laptop writing five words at a time and then freezing. It's really not designed for regular use. Then five letters. Yahoo messenger appeared to be responsible but no, it's just a shit computer. It's like turning the clock back 7 years to my 1st 1gb effort which had to be changed when I couldn't get a radio player on. No news on the new one yet, I would have had it delivered tomorrow if ready but that seems pretty remote now, the only delivery I'll get are the flowery excuses how hard it was to transfer the data and the old drive wasn't as big as I really need and he had to order another one which was out of stock and unless he goes to Southampton will have to wait for his company to restock in March. I don't intend to be without a PC beyond this week and he should give me his own computer if he can't stick to plans.

Tomorrow (I hate talking ahead but nothing else has happened to mention) I hope to go to NW11 (Golders Green and around) for more photos and a visitor in the evening. No other ideas. My business visit is urgent now and am waiting for another arrangement after today's vanishing act. I can't even think of what to do for the rest of the evening... Being alone has really caught up with me, after all these years it's hardly surprising I'm running out of solitary pursuits and avoiding the demanding ones. As much of a test as anything else, the teachings I read tell me to rise above such negativity and if you can once you will always be able to, and you can't learn how without such an opportunity. Who can tell so I'll have to see.
Not a lot more to say, I have a video planned for youtube to attract more abuse and just signed up with Fame TV (I can't watch it) but you have to pay a couple of pounds per video so I'll have to think about it. Being in the big brother house would have to be an improvement right now, surrounded by all sorts but not bored at least. Just driven insane. But you don't need to be there for that to happen, I'm well on my way already.