A mess of ideas

I'm currently being taught by someone from Facebook- I had reached a point where everything about my progress had stuck, and rather than wait and see what happened am being given little ways I may be able to free that progress up. Otherwise life is pretty much as usual, my time is being booked up now for each day, all routine stuff but at least avoids me staying here on the computer or having to think of places to go on my own.

There may well be a single intelligence behind everything which makes anything happen, once you see that it's no easier, but can see there has to be more. You can learn the same thing in hard or easy ways in many cases, I am getting a bit too old for the hard way now, I do believe it's probably possible to do nothing the hard way but that is reserved for a few only. The minimum of suffering is required at the beginning just to appreciate the lack of it, but from then on the memory of it should be enough. You shouldn't need to suffer for a sense of achievement, but for the achievement itself. That intelligence has already demonstrated to me what it can do, and so far all by the grace of god, ie at god's will unrelated to what I do or not. A good start but it's easy to forget that's there when everything returns to how it was before. I do look for more in it now but if something's so small you can't be sure it's even there it's not enough to know.

Each situation you're in, especially the bad ones have a timescale, but you can't know it in advance. It appears it will never change, some don't and others suddenly stop. I've been living on my own now 18 years and may well for the rest of my life. We have world governments restricting our lives for the climate, that may change but maybe not within my lifetime. Our roads have humps like cancer, one borough has started removing them but no others. That has changed but only marginally and locally. But there's no inherent clues how long each situation will last. Some are clearly built on shakier foundations than others but are propped up to keep them from being swept away by that. I can't bear to hear lies being treated like truth and the people telling them being treated like heroes. The day Al Gore goes behind bars will be the day the world wakes up, he represents everything which is wrong with society in every single culture on earth. He is a one person example of greed, manipulation, hypocrisy, and being rewarded for doing so. If money was the cure to global warming he could have fixed it with his own if he really believed it, but he sells himself to spread his brand of religion and keeps every penny for Gore industries. That aside, I see the outer blockages reflected in me as inner blockages. Neither seem to shift at will and sometimes you turn round one day and see they've gone. I talk about it partly as by doing so it focuses the mind on it and may allow a solution to pop up.

So it's one of those rare periods where I have no problems and no presents. Just time. I learn a little but not enough to change anything. I have a collection of people who need me, either occasionally or all the time, and although they mean no harm can become a real pest when I get little or nothing in return. Not even from them as takers are rarely givers as well, but even from many givers. Rather than a return system it's a chain, we each help those below us and in turn are helped by those above us. It's rare for people to be able to work as equals and not fair to expect anything back from the people who are tuned in to taking. I'd love to tell each one in turn to give me a break, but as they have no idea they're doing it would only take it personally and cut me off. Unfortunately these make up nearly all the people I mix with at the moment so it's them or nothing. And the fact I am patient with them means they also assume I don't mind the time spent on their issues, and while others probably make excuses or change their phone numbers I do give the impression I'm happy to listen unless I'm watching TV. If they actually responded to any of the things I suggest it would be better but mostly it's a rubbish dumping exercise and although they seem to want help and advice can't seem to do what they do to get into trouble in any other way. The problems return and they come back to me (and maybe others as well). We all have a few but at the moment it seems no one else wants to call.

So far the next two days have no potential excitement, but then again excitement rarely gives itself any advance warning. You can find a gold ring in a dog turd but would rather someone else wiped it off before I touched it. I don't know if I look for fuel to be cynical or am being fairly reasonable under the circumstances. If whatever came to me in the last dream with a gift can do it once then was it something I did or was it just my turn? But I know it's there now so it can't turn its back and pretend it's not there any more. I don't think I'd take advantage of any power now, I think I can handle it safely.

Welcome to all on Facebook, and now bloody well read this!

Well thanks to someone else's profile I've finally got an app to publish my blog entries to Facebook so I'd better write something. And I always think before swearing online, and usually think 'Fuck it, why not?'...
Anyway, today is the sort of day only grandmas and aspergics bother to report, more so with enthusiasm. I'll stop short of the lavatory visits (my grandma didn't, 'it was only wind', 'I didn't get there in time and soaked myself' etc) so you can see the roots of my malady, but the rest isn't that much better.

Although I like money by this time of life the time is worth as much to me, so when my booking was cancelled although there was no alternative, and too late to go anywhere, I was free. The jobs to do list had grown and first sent my annual certificate renewal form off, then picked up my real film photos from the chemist (you don't buy all those lenses and then buy another digital to waste them) and chose the next lot of photos to print. I nearly ordered them as well but the company who've done it for 4 years didn't recognise my email address. Sweary time? Just pick your favourite one to go here. Then I did my second ever song in harmony, I can't sing but I can hold a tune and play along with it. It's good to get so many jobs out of the way but besides them coming back sooner or later to be done again it's not very exciting.
I don't think the details matter as long as people are happy whatever they're doing, and although some carry on running around till they die others like me have been to enough places already and quite content to sit around at home like a cat. But the comparisons people make from the outside seeing so many people online reporting the concerts, restaurants and holidays you'd think anyone who doesn't do that any more is a wanker. But it's no different from what you choose to eat- you can get fed up with anything if you eat too much of it and it's the same with other things.

As I've said for ages, in my case it's all down to people and always has done. As long as I have my freedom it's who I'm with that really matters, and then where I am. The only comparison anyone can make with me is whether or not they're happy with who they're with or not. It's hardly a competition as if I liked going out more I could still do it on my own, and often have. No one else will be able to share the memory with me but that's life. So when people see the routine of my week it's not such a bad thing except the lack of others to share it with.

On other news I've had precious little response to my low carbon society observations, and can only conclude people are happy to see their ready cash reduce while their opportunities to have said holidays and days out become harder and harder. This shit affects every single one of us. When you've had to give your car up because it costs too much to run don't complain then, it's too late. Complain now while you still have something left to lose.
I do always hope for more, and one very long shot would be for someone to use my work from seeing it online. I've had photos and paintings used, why not writing? Like art you don't need qualifications to be a writer, just talent, but unlike painting having qualifications as well means you can talk about certain subjects professionally, so I have something to offer. Many years of writing to order means I can more or less turn out something on request if it's within my area as there is a formula. I do send things off from time to time but to be honest the only place that didn't turn me down or ignore me is one I can't think of anything to write for, as it depends on some sort of original supernatural experience, which I haven't had for ages.

There's a divergent flow diagram that means if you look ahead the likeliest outcomes are near the centre like they have been already. Any diversion, whether up or down, is less likely but possible. You can't make these things happen. You can easily destroy things and drop down of course, like you can break a cup but can't stick it together afterwards. But no amount of effort will get you above that line, it just happens. Nothing in my 50 years tells me otherwise, and if you can show me a way then you'll be my master. I'm not holding my breath as I think everyone will realise the same as me. That's why people meditate, although we control how much we do even then we have no say in the results. The Christians hand that over to god, and say I will push and god will create. That's how it's always been and I'm not busting a blood vessel trying to beat that system.

Something from nothing

This time last week I'd found an old sign on Streetview (rarest set of all) and was twiddling my thumbs waiting for the following day when I could go there and check. With nothing else to do I searched for more on photo sites, and after a few hours just at bedtime I found one a few miles away taken in June. So Monday I went there and found it, although there had been two in the parallel road that were gone a year ago when I discovered them. Later I drove the 20 miles or so to the other one to find a lamp post. A one one draw but got paid for it so in profit with something I wasn't expecting to find there.

This weekend I am lost, since the car radio was fixed on Tuesday for nothing it snowed and froze and just made quick trips to the park and shops before it got dark. I'm back on the net searches now as I can't go and take them if I don't look online. You can't drive every street in London just in case, but I did as many main roads as I could before Streetview and still drive whole towns in Surrey which doesn't take as long as you'd think. Besides being coralled into cleaning out someone's garage (I think he's scared of spiders, honestly!) on Wednesday (slightly less trouble than a funeral but no more pleasurable) the diary's clear ahead. But so are the ideas. If Roger's prediction of the next woman coming to me happens it will save my wasted effort trying to catch the impossible, like when the red triangle sign turned up at random in my messages after I'd already Streetviewed the spot. As I say, half and half, we can't make all our own results by effort.

I'm glad to say I did just get to summarise my last entry on Copenhagen on the radio, as what they did is no less than the biggest fraud on earth, as it involves every country that was there. How the most trivial amount of an equally trivial and vital gas can be blamed for something that hasn't even happened shows me how the world IQ is so damn low there are enough sheep to swallow the garbage and not see the huge holes that grow week by week until there'll be no garment left, just a few threads. Like the emperor's although you could never see these except in your imaginations.

There is the flow diagram I do which I can try and reproduce here for the unknown time ahead, thank goodness since things seemed to be guided the random has appeared to be more positive than in the toilet on average as it did previously.

Now:--------expected------> No more than usual> 1 week 2 weeks > possible book
\------better------find another sign
\ ---any unknown good news
\ ---other project completed- sign saved/completed Hertfordshire
\---->late result from past efforts

Usually this would have stuck stubbornly to the predictable line, but now signs have turned up about weekly for a year, with Streetview to help even after I'd covered most of London physically already. But the climategate emails saved me the hard work I've been putting in more and more for years saying what I knew they were up to, and now unless people believe their excuses (er, they didn't have any) we know. Things can shift in every stuck area, and even though the poor green bedwetting sheep are wetting their pants even more as Obama and his merry men haven't agreed to rule the world with an iron staff, it's their money that would be saved if all this stopped today as well as mine. So like God in the bible you have to teach your children with your greater knowledge even if they feel hard done by. I am honestly trying to save us all including the wimps and wets who can't challenge a thing they are told by anyone in authority.

So I have another test of the guidance. I really trust it now as although there's been plenty of shit to slip in since it happened I don't seem to have broken anything when I did. I do my bit, I spend hours searching online when nothing else to do, and always get other photos when I find something unless I go in the dark. I hadn't been to some places I used to know well for years as no reason or incentive, plus the congestion charge as a Berlin Wall with cameras. I'm sure Surrey has more, probably even a red triangle on some farm track, but how long would it take to find one?

Monday's summary

It's too early to go to bed and nothing left to look up online so here I am. If the system's working despite nothing known or new something will occur. I'm more or less busy till Thursday now so no need for many plans besides tomorrow later on when I can fart about as I please. A 30 mile trip Wednesday and the gym covers that, and then who knows. So if the system says every moment is guided then so is this, and I just have to look for why.

Maybe it's to get me to read something here after this, or think of something I wouldn't have otherwise. That's the sort of indirect lateral thinking you need to develop and see more and more in the apparent gaps. On Facebook (there, the one place I have forgotten to visit till now, first job done) four women from the 70s/almost ignored me last week, I rarely find so many in one go now and in order one) didn't like me then either, two) doesn't remember me, three) thought I was a twat, and four) even I don't remember what or who now.
Look for new people? I could write a book let alone an entry. Suffice to say suitable new friends are maybe 1 in 1000 or more. I met a handful over my lifetime and stuck with them for decades. Since school and regular holidays, which provided them plus the children of my parents' friends I've barely met one new one despite regular courses and groups. No idea why, just how it happened.

I did meet one girlfriend online in 2002 but her own problems stopped that short. Otherwise I either meet attractive women who run a while or marginally interesting people amongst generally boring groups I never see outside more than once or twice. The few right people click, I meet many online but all way too far to see more than once when they come to London for some reason. I don't travel now (as any regular will know) and even if I did you can't have a regular friend more than 20 miles away, mine have vanished when moved the other side of London before. I'd done the groundwork on all the others already and whatever split us up before may be fixable.

Is there a reason to be on my own? Maybe if temporary as I get a heck of a lot done. I've also learnt a lot to do without anyone else around but why have to make the best of it for the rest of time? Even a marriage/partnership of convenience would be an improvement now, but the calibre of possibilities, either mentally backward or ill or both is more trouble than it would be worth, even if attractive. Unless I had a palace where you could lose someone much of the time we'd be on top of each other and I suppose if you sleep with a woman she'd expect you to take her out as well even if you agreed it was only out of desperation? If a man (not just me) would drop his standards after 50 years because it was that or nothing don't any women? Or are all women the right sort of age all with someone unless mental? I suspect that is the case, although not necessarily abroad as I meet some lovely women elsewhere online. A few are potty as well but at least not every single one.

So more questions than answers on that one, but may find one once I've started. At least I can go to bed now. Amen.

A whole week

The week was a challenge, I needed a rest and had absolutely no plans but decided what to do as it happened. That ended the week with a local video, shopping in Golders Green and locally and scanning as many photos in as I could find. And someone noticed my room needed tidying on Youtube which has also just been done. I also found 4 more people on Facebook and guess what, not one has replied. Busy or total wankers? I'll leave that to you. The global warming racket is heating up (pun intended) with reports flooding in (pun intended again) of predictions of 6 degree increases (until the woman was interviewed and said it may not be by the end of the century as reported) and similar CO2-temperature correlations that simply can't be demonstrated outside the simplistic mind of the authorities who want it to be true to rob us blind.

I hope the more nonsensical the claims and higher the taxes eventually someone more important than me will come out and put a stop to this. Before the internet no one could check the crap we were told by the authorities, now the scientists banned from the media (except a few who get lucky) publish their findings here. One report from Philip Stott or Nils-Axel Morner alone would rip their story to shreds and leave no leg standing for the ridiculous nonsense they try and make us accept. I've also studied the formulas for soviet propaganda and they simply use them now as if the place still existed. The location may have changed but the methods are no different.
I hear they are almost ready to turn on the large hadron collider after its latest disaster, but in the small print it may take a year to reach full speed, partly as it was broken and partly they're shit scared. If that goes tits up it may affect the climate a lot more than simple car usage.

Unless parcels are delivered on Saturdays (oh yes, and George Michael likes women) there won't be a sign repaired this weekend. I just hope the damn thing comes at all as I've paid for it already. Various business projects are moving along gradually as well, closer to completion but a minimum of weeks ahead for the first one. Until then I haven't a clue what else could happen, I got a message two more famous old signs had just been removed from Aldwych, proving how vital my project is to get photos of every one while it's still here. I was even offered one but prefer them where they were meant to be put. So it has become a bit boring, I didn't speak to a single person face to face for three days, and if you think no sex is bad then add that to the mix for worse. I'm just hoping an old friend will return from the dead online as it's a lot easier to catch up than start from scratch.

I'm working tomorrow before the gym, and got a haircut for Tuesday at last, and that's about it so far. A couple of probable routine photo trips for the weekend and any more will be a surprise. And finally may actually have some photos published in a book for charity by the end of the year. That'll help.

Gone too quiet

The week has been pretty busy but don't seem to have added very much besides earning some money, which can never be dismissed. I have a big mystery to solve over the lost roundabout sign, and one which has the potential to complete a project if still waiting somewhere. Enquiries are being made. I hope the current momentum to reveal the truth where previously absent continues, immigration is already now admitted and only about consequences, and global warming is showing cracks by the day. Had you or I earned money that way we'd be up before the serious fraud office, forget Labour the war criminals for that is the prerogative of every government to assert their authority, but not fraud. Mugabe should be proud of them.

My plans are down to waiting for my friends next week from America, the rest is who knows. My faith is being tested (something I've only had for a few months) but not gone yet. A few projects are still alive so can only carry on pushing the areas until something happens either way. But there are too many gaps, ie 80% of the time at least, and I can't fill those gaps usefully the whole time, who can? I did start my postal course at last as dark afternoons stop anything outdoors, and that will fill my professional requirements for most of the year now. But when what seems like good starts either stop or freeze like a computer you do wonder what the point is at times.
I have at least finally located a TV series I missed from 1973 when it was repeated, that should arrive in a few days if nothing else. Meanwhile I plough on and witness the usual ups and downs each day, when hopes are raised and dropped, and so far mainly gained either short term benefits or potential information I can't yet use for any benefit.

Maybe it will all come together. The return of the counter, plus with virtually unlimited numbers means I'll probably post here even more, as what's the point of looking if nothing new's been written? I have more time to read now it's dark early and I've finished the work on my grandma's will. I am also planning my Mensa IQ test soon as the trial run I took went pretty well. Better than I expected actually as the few attempts I'd done over the years had been quite disappointing considering I knew the score I could get. It has to get quiet sometimes and run out of ideas, and I'm buggered if I'm going to bed early as that's even worse.

Gone a bit dead

It's interesting how I think the best you can do is roughly aim for something and then whatever will come takes over, like fishing but far less precise. I found someone on Facebook who wants to see me, of all the hundreds of people I've contacted this is only the third. I will see. And I actually found another old sign using Streetview which wasn't at all hard to get to either. I also reckon where the meeting is and what happens is also pretty well out of my control besides keeping it out of the centre of London. Like many things I see a certain age looming ahead and don't want to be past it before the good things finally arrive.

Besides a few work bookings there's nothing else planned ahead although the football friendlies are on so may actually get to one if convenient. I think expecting things is against both practical and spiritual rules and far better to get used to only being concerned with the present, however boring that may be. But the mind also assumes that will continue indefinitely if there's nothing ahead known to change it, but we never really know in reality.
So for a change it has made my mind a bit blank as well, which considering it's time for bed and I'm working tomorrow may have a good reason. I had no idea how much I'd written last time till I just scrolled through it and was amazed how so much can come for so little. I don't know how many people can be arsed to read more than about an A4 page, I suspect not many, but when I've something I like reading I can read quite a long way.

I'm sorry I haven't got much more to report for a change, it was too early to go to bed and for a change I'd run out of other websites which happens a couple of times a year. Those of you who are not single wouldn't have a clue what it's like to have to fill nearly all a day on your own. It's also inclined to make you appreciate the rare times you do speak to interesting people and make the most of it. Work doesn't really count as I can't even talk about myself as part of the rules. That's work and not conversation however interesting some of the people may be. I suppose there could be a place for counsellors who also light their farts (no I don't but others do), discuss their sex lives (never seen the need either), although one area that could never help is comparing your own problems which is the very thing many untrained people do (like my late grandma always did). 'You think you've got problems...' is the most pointless way to try and help anyone as you've instantly ignored them and switched to you. Still, I get well paid for such discipline and don't really slip up as it was always how things were done.

I also believe the offers so many counsellors claim they have for sex, male and female, is a bit of false advertising. After 17 years I've had no more than a couple of hints and from the stories I've heard in private the ones who claim more frequently act on it. It's one thing restraining your self interest but another rejecting it totally. Not that I believe many of them, unless I really am such a turn off. So having all these yawning gaps for a very long time I have just read they are the basis of stress and disease. Holy shit, what a surprise. Counselling aside I tell everyone you can't think of many problems when you're on the job with someone you actually like. And very few people disagree. That was one of the things nature got right, but then fucked up when it made women treat it like a currency that had to be earned. Bad mistake. People appreciate things when they have them, lose them and get them back again, not when they are rationed permanently. That's just socialism.

Well I think I've even bored myself but now stopped myself going to bed early which is a mixed blessing. There's always something that stops me, obviously excepting sex. In fact that's the only reason I go to bed early excluding illness. When there's someone to go to bed with then no reason not to. So any of you guys not appreciating your partners learn from those who have none. And if it's that bad then drop it as it's even worse being with the wrong person than alone as it's like a ball and chain. Empty freedom is better than that as I just about remember.

No aliens, women or fame

Besides Big Brother being on everything is just about neutral at the moment. I've had enough work to save me trying to waste time and money driving around on my own each day except today which was just a rest day. I would have gone to Primrose Hill (they have a free outdoor gym but the parking probably costs as much) but with the Tube strike safer not to go on the roads. The last events on my list had UK Indepndence beating Labour into 3rd place in the Euro elections, the Liberals even worse being so pro-Europe. Labour are still slagging off the people's choice even though no sensible informed person wants to be robbed and ruled as if the fucking Nazis had won the war after all. That does imply they have infiltrated our governments and trying to win politically as clearly can't with the military. Pretty clear now I think. But not really my problem besides the price of petrol and gas.

But my list has again come to an end. Whatever did happen (fixing up the no entry sign and UKIP doing well) happened and nothing else did (article about no entry sign etc), and there's nothing on any system now. But I'm keeping busy enough not to take much notice at the moment. The aims are the same as usual, women, fame, enlightenment and if I'm very lucky add to my old sign collection. I've also started a Facebook group to ban road humps as Streetview revealed they are on nearly every road like chicken pox. As I say, if I could I'd line each of these councillor's wives vaginas with sandpaper so they could get some of the treatment they happily hand out to us (at our expense as well). It is cruel and absolutely pointless.

Otherwise I've been using my time making up poetry and music for Youtube which at least keeps the performing side warm. And although you can get an idea you never quite know which of 100 projects will take off. Write a quiz and 9 will get a few plays and the last 1000, and not always certain which will be that one, and then which will be the highest rated. Life is mainly the same, not the effort you put in or time you take but random elements. And I've been so busy Streetviewing (there are lots of roads in London and must cover them all) I haven't been reading blogs or much else besides upload photos and play daily quizzes as time is of the essence.
There's a steady supply of teaching on Youtube as well which said the other day it's only working like an alarm clock, each person needs a certain level to wake up. So I keep it ringing and see if any works.

So, no plans at the moment, but that's not unusual. Better than crap to do which was a lot more frequent in the past. I've blown out many of the causes of that though as they needed me more than I needed them and it's surprising how many apparent obligations we can drop with absolutely no consequences. Anyone who wanted me just for what I could do for them is better gone, and the ones who didn't don't mind if I avoid taking them places and doing other chores as I'm free.
So if I repeat myself it's only as life repeats itself. If I had a job and was married with kids I may not do this much anyway, but if I did the routine would be just as regular. I will see.

Back to zero

It seems no start has finished, a poor record even for me. Neither newspaper came back to me, maybe they've been busier writing about Barack Obama like all the others (no, I've checked), they gain an interest and lose it quicker than a 14 year old girl at a disco. It's the editor's fault rather than the reporters as they make the decision, but they are total arseholes for wasting everyone's time and then deciding it's not as interesting as they thought it would be. I have one official proposal to restore old signs going to a council meeting this time next week, which is a new start, so at least have the interest of the organization who are proposing it for me.

Last week managed to uncover two old signs in the same place, although I went on Tuesday and missed the second although on the same roundabout, and returned a few days later and found the second one. More have turned up the other side of London, up to about 4 definites now so needs another trip. But until then as it needs a weekend to avoid paying to drive there I am lost. Although I'm free for a few days there are no more plans than a tedious online course I've been saving for a time like this. Nothing else really needs doing and will have to trust tomorrow will turn something up like every day has for weeks, although I don't have a single idea left now. No more photo trips left, a voucher to spend at Marks & Spencer, which I expect will cover some of tomorrow and that's the lot.

I am working my way through the phone calls very slowly, and the TV producer says she'll contact the people that need contacting now, which is a first. Finally if anyone wants to know what I can do after 6 years at the gym try and lift a 27.5 kg dumbell. I managed eight lifts for the first time in each hand yesterday with no trouble at all. I'll be going for 30 next. If you can get to a gym and try and pick one up you'll know what 6 years work can do.

I'm doing nothing.

It's odd how keeping a journal focuses you on how little actually happens in a period of time. I'm working my way through the usual process of elimination where I start one project after another, and one by one they either drop off (mostly) or make progress. One high spot is someone says they have tw TV programmes I've been searching for for ages and haven't seen for nearly 40 years. I hope that'll provide a result if no other. Other than that it was the usual out when dry and in when wet, about half and half, and did another video and lots of photos although I always think I've run out of places.
All the apparent news stories really mean little besides to those involved, but need bigging up for the media. So Hurricane Ike (not to mention the others) blew 7 types of shit out of Galveston, but as hurricanes do that somewhere every year it didn't end up on our news. The US have bailed out the irresponsible lenders so waste has been rewarded. That's not news, it's fraud. And as for the Hadron Collider, give me strength...

My own life is not affected by anything besides my local news based on the current council member decisions, and the oil price. The economy is a generality, and unless you're in Rwanda or Zimbabwe, or much of Eastern Europe, you are in charge of your own destiny. You won't go broke here or in the US unless there's a good reason for it. People who gamble or borrow too much are not affected by the economy but their own decisions. People who study and get decent jobs as a result can set themselves up to be protected. And if you get income and savings in as many different places as possible then you aren't relying on one to win or lose. I'd be delighted if every twat with more than say £1000 personal credit was foreclosed, which they can and do do on business loans at will, and see the results. That would make them think next time. It's not their money and they are paying stupid fees for the privilege of using it. And half the time the companies know it's a waste of effort and let them off the debts eventually. Just as our governments are now big time. Great example to the world. You fuck up everyone else's cash and we'll sort you out. And in America it can't even affect the election result as they both voted for it. All corrupt at the bottom of it and no surprise there.

Summer is over, it's cold now and getting dark earlier, and I may start a painting soon and wind back the photography while it's not so easy. I'm no longer chasing women besides old exes online, and the media work comes to me and not any effort of my own. I've accepted any friends I had are either abroad or drifted off and the remainder aren't replacements so I don't bother. Just wandering around Golders Green in the shops, roads and parks is good enough for now, as although I no longer live or work near there I can get there quickly and still be part of the life there. I worked in 4 different shops there, washing up in a cafe, my first real job in an estate agent, a week taking orders in a butcher's as a student and 5 years in the sports shop. I continued walking up and down the very long rows of shops offering my experience and generated absolutely no interest. The customers were the worst, having worked in shops all over the place, but it's a nice area. I'll be checking the postcard sales as well soon as two places won't pay me before they sell them and bound not to tell me if they do. But that is publicity not work, although eventually may lead to some.

So basically my plans are no longer active. Doing courses is the easiest way to change your life and I did that endlessly so despite some people suggesting I do more (let them at 48...) have drawn a line there. In case anyone missed it that's a law degree (1984) certificate in counselling (88) diploma in counselling (91) certificate in hypnosis (93?) and memberships of the psychotherapy, hypnotherapy and counselling organisations at pretty high levels. I also did Reiki as a healer and teacher as well as shamanic healing. But these are qualificatons to be self employed (ie you don't need them) as legally anyone can do all this with not one day's study. And there aren't many real jobs for us so I don't have one. The only work it's ever got me besides private is from students who need someone with my qualifications and all pay half price and get loads of extra help for nothing. Great. I like doing it but it's just a hobby really as the expenses beat the income this year so far by hundreds. I don't care as the one free thing it has done is allow me to speak as an 'expert'. Thank god for small mercies. You study for 3 years for what you expect to be a profession and the only real benefit is when you get interviewed by the media. They want qualifications as well so do actually treat us far better than the government who say therapy qualifications are meaningless.

I wouldn't have done anything differently though as that's what I want to do, and entertainment isn't based on qualifications but getting an Equity card and being bloody persistent. Just with the smallest talent you only get work through networking, bribery (if you are dishonest) and persistence. You must make yourself obvious and get to know as many successful people as possible who then feed you work over those far better but unknown. It's not a secret. I gave up the Equity route as studying all those years (and failing many on the way) was using all my attention without leading two lives at once. And again at 48 I'm not finding some sleazy hotel and trying to entertain people who are drunk for a year for that, I've tried and it's really not worth it, and those are the non-Equity jobs.

And finally although I haven't done my 'passive diversion' routine to put anyone off, so many people who did get back in touch with me have vanished again I'm really wondering what gets into them? Besides reporting it all here (that's what a blog does) I haven't named any of them and when they can see who I mean it's all been positive, as I'm only rude when treated badly already. I only put people off when they want to go out somewhere and my condition stops me. If they wee really good friends they don't care anyway, but the others come and go and wouldn't push myself for any of them as it can set me back for months. My limits are very clear as are the results of trying to cross them. I've tried often enough to know where that line is and to respect it. They don't care or understand but expect me to with their problems. Par for the course. As for the woman who kept up with me for 34 years and it was me who didn't get it on as she lived too far away, why she's dropped me now is the oddest one as it's not like her. The other person who just did is also quite unlikely to but don't know him so well to trust him like that. But she was one of the few examples I had of someone I could look up to and respect. How anyone like that can be a turd like everyone else doesn't make sense and it would make more if she'd been killed (like two others I couldn't track down) but she hasn't. I told her all this a couple of days ago but I've got more chance of sucking my own cock than getting anything from her. QED.

I've been tested

Freedom at last, I've spent 4 1/2 months playing 3 sets of quizzes a day plus a daily one, and it's now over. 8th in the world! I never expected that, and until it looked like I was doing well didn't plan to play them all but had to when it was clear my position was stable. And so glad I did now. So free, and technically nothing more. No fame, at least not yet from the promised and almost expected newspaper article. So although there was the potential for fame (as many others offer work from these articles, rather than being instantly recognised) I may still spend the rest of my life in obscurity. With no woman or income to speak of this was the one door to success that could make my life decent again. Not this time. So just freedom at the moment, and no other projects at all at the moment. Although most projects are sent to me, I can't actually initiate them myself so totally out of my hands.

The women are no better but that's been the same for years. The last one (boring and psychotic) went back with her old boyfriend, and probably the best thing. Three from Friends Reunited are unanimous in ignoring me, all sent messages one way or another and none have returned. Two are very distant which is what stopped much happening the first time, and one more of a friend who clearly doesn't want more now either. But so hard to meet anyone new dragging the past is the only method that could work for the handful of women who are currently single there. But I'm used to that now and fame brings everything else with it. But that's not here either so just the freedom.

No plans now, no need either. Having thought more and more about making sure the computer's working since January to play the quizzes, it won't matter now. I can go to bed whenever I want and the only useful project to follow would be to have another IQ test to join Mensa, but besides the practice I need to try not to be caught out like I was last time when I didn't (they ask you to but charge a fortune) there's no guarantee I'll pass of course. You can't get higher than your best but can easily get lower. I may have a go if the dry run tests get better results. Mensa is the other best way to meet women and friends, and opens the door to a good many jobs as well (no, I won't be looking) if you have it on the form.
So, a week ahead with a few work bookings and little else known. Nothing new there. And more potential for aggravation I needn't bore you with here. I will see.

Have you been?

A bit of a quiet time so decided to come here rather than go to bed alone. I was actually going to watch videos but they wanted calls on ufos on the radio and 2 hours later not one person has called. Been busy online anyway. I've updated all the normal stuff on the funtrivia blog already and don't feel like repeating today's shopping and small shifts on the media projects. Looking ahead (as now is not very interesting) there is still nothing very interesting. More 99p pizzas I just bought (I prefer the good ones but there weren't any there) and taking something back to the shop where they insisted what I bought does what it doesn't.

I've actually added quite a lot recently but seen none of it. I was seen coast to coast on US cable for an indeterminate time last month, waiting to probably be in a national paper for the first time (named anyway, I was in the Telegraph magazine when I was about 12), and planning a new TV programme. But every one of these is far off, the DVD of the programme will probably be in weeks, the paper in a few months and the new programme maybe a year or two. Now is something different. Looking forward to returning a dodgy item to a shop of morons is not the greatest thing to anticipate in life, and back to a bog standard weekend I presume after that. The female interest has failed so far since showing an initial interest. The second possible one is months away if even available. The week so far has actually been ok but this is a little gap and hopefully if tomorrow even if one little thing I'd like to happen does then it will take me away from the limbo now.

The new Facebook application 'would you do me' is possibly the best cultural influence this century, I lost the best one and hope if I click enough pictures it will come back as many do. If we can all find just one local one who means it then we'll all be well away. Hopefully they won't want a meal first as I hate eating out.

This week...

Plenty of ups and downs this week. I finally bought a digital video camera at the weekend so have spent most of my time pissing around learning to use it. I'm at the stage now where I can post on Youtube but less than 2 minutes and not learned to split my clips into manageable files yet.

Other than video activities I'm still slowly catching up with people online for future arrangements, since my friend went abroad in 2002 there's been a huge gap, I've met no one new (most of my friends had been so for 20-45 years so rarely needed to turn over), and the net has allowed me to meet old and new friends only limited by their locations so far.
I've been fairly busy, got many good photos this week but done pretty little else besides camera related work. Hopefully it'll be worth it once it all works although such short clips aren't going to have much substance to them when it does.
Oddly I rang the TV company here today about the latest UK based programme as they'd ignored my emails and although the fax number worked implying they still existed their office number didn't any more. I tried a BT check but they now only check BT numbers so if a cable number doesn't work then who the hell gets it reported for a caller?

Yesterday was good for many reasons, I got the video to get on Youtube after a nice walk around Golders Green with both cameras. I've made two outdoor videos now but can't yet edit them down to get short enough to upload. Today was a pisser really, I was going to Brent Cross station but got a call the North Circular was closed and went to the park instead. The 2 minute video ended still longer than allowed and spent the rest of the afternoon reformatting everything and just crashed the editor as a result. I'll find a way but not today. I've also found another stalker on Youtube like the ones I had here but I have no idea who they are and why they're doing it unlike the others who showed themselves.
I may not have a chance to go out tomorrow as I have to let the cleaner in, but I suppose a 1 minute video of a tube station I've done already is hardly a great loss. Other plans are virtually non existent, as are expectations. Even the American TV company haven't updated their monthly web page saying what's coming next so can't see if I'll be on next month.

Anyway, I'm doing my best, have no idea what's coming ahead but hopefully break the monotony eventually.

Why does anyone bother?

Boredom is a killer really. Living alone lends itself perfectly. No TV, too early to go to bed and nothing left on the internet. And when the highlights of the week include taking photos of the North Circular at Brent Cross life has really reached the bottom of the barrel. No, there's nothing better to do that I've missed. Friends are thin on the ground, work is the same, and the only places I've gone to are ones where I can take photos. So many times besides my new 48 second pixilated video project the still photos are starting to repeat themselves. And although I can walk through Golders Green it's not the same as I don't really know anyone there any more. NW11 was one of the most fertile areas of social life till this decade when one by one everyone I knew left.

So like the Twilight Zone where you are in the same place but with different people, I pass through Golders Green now like the spirit of a dead person visiting their old haunts on Earth while no one can see them. It looks the same but nothing is happening and you can't interact. Even the two pubs I occasionally went to there are gone, one (a bit rough admittedly) now a clothes shop, and the other (started charging to park there) knocked down 5 years ago. That was actually so decent you could easily spend an evening there and was the only pub I knew besides the awful Spaniards with mainly Jewish customers. They had the civilised ones while the Spaniards the rude ones with money. There was also another in between type opposite in Hendon which is now flats as well.

So my social life and ability to find anywhere to go with it has been reduced to the garden centre over a mile away as unless you walk through the park no road goes there and the entrance instead of being round the corner is on said road over a mile away despite backing on to my estate opposite here. I'm bored with them anyway now. A garden centre, however good the coffee, cannot replace a huge pub with fruit machines and old friends in Golders Green. OK, said people are approaching 50 now and paying for their kids to go to university, while I try and turn the clock back to when I was actually a part of their lives as well. I can't see a solution direct or otherwise. Others suggest returning to places I used up in my teens, organisations which allow you to learn skills a few hours a week and meet women who spend every possible moment talking about their children and grandchildren. None are single at these places as they are never designed for them. Colleges are no better except you meet young marrieds and drug addicts who are equally hopeless if you want to meet new friends or get off with someone. I met all my friends at school, on holiday and through my parents. I did meet a few at discos after some years of seeing the same people but that was 30 years ago.

No solution, freedom is wonderful when you can use it, when you use it to tell people on the internet how useless it has become you are ready to give up all hope. For a while I looked for advice but it's pure chance how life turns in these situations. It only takes one person to change it all, as when one left my life turned into nothing, I then met a woman who kept me busy a couple more months and that was that. From then on it was doing my own thing, making films of the places I now take still photos of, staying in during winter painting so I can put them on the wall, writing articles, watching TV and that's the lot. If this guy in America really can show people how to bend metal then the world will no longer be as I think it is, and may become an interesting place again. Until then I blog.

Another day, little changes

I have found by airing all my weird ideas here (and elsewhere) regardless of alienating many and looking like a self obsessed weirdo at least I've got this stuff out of the way and without paying a penny to a therapist. And for all the people accused or accusing people being too deep it's like calling someone too intelligent. You can be too shallow almost to the point of horizontal, but too deep? No way.

I just discovered I ordered (after being a lot more selective than usual) 207 new photos to be printed just now. I have been out 3 0r 4 times a week this year though and made plenty of new views of places known and unknown. Rather than spread myself further afield to undistinguished areas I'm finding smaller and smaller details between the ones I already take. So as people plant new gardens I have different places to see, and did a bunch of road name signs today, not just the sign but the area around them so you can see where the road actually is. The best was an old cast iron double, one above another, saying where it led to. These little things are what life is really about, we all live somewhere but not everyone takes much notice of the details or cares.

Non events, Gordon Brown will be our next Prime Minister. Like changing the name of 1 to 1 to T Mobile. We won't notice the difference. Or if Cameron the twat gets in for the only opposition either. Get rid of grammar schools- by the tories? Fuck me, they'll be promoting immigration next, oh bugger, they are. Talk about between a rock and a hard place. Either way you look the same crazy totalitarian and anti-British policies. Let the EU take us over. Allow anyone in you like with no limits (I think it was 400,000 illegal immigrants just allowed to stay, if my memory was right), and I expect Cameron will finally top it all by agreeing with road charging. If we ever needed a revolution the time is now. General strike, stop paying council tax, using cars and buying petrol. They'll miss us when we stop performing. Petrol costs so much as people don't shop around. The shmock selling it for 97.9 round the corner from 94.9 has just as many people queuing up as the other. So they try and add another penny and it's gone up about 7 in the last month with no economic reasons.
If we were to stop buying it for a few days they'd be stuck.

This week has been reasonably average, the job planned for yesterday was cancelled for a while and I did a bit of work, then started tidying the spare room at last. Lots left to do though. One booking today then to NW11 for more photos as planned, then came back and uploaded them all as usual. And then back in a circle to the order, which takes quite a long time, although I chose them earlier which was half the job. Tomorrow is free all day, if dry probably gardening, and no plans for photos unless something comes to me. Maybe carry on the tidying and who knows. The gap today was I literally spoke to no one. Not even a shop. Besides a couple of irritating people on the phone I've been like someone in solitary. Not good for the soul and nothing you can ever do will replace having another person around. Not even the chatroom I went in with a few stupid kids pretending they were talking to non existent people for half an hour which they thought was really funny. That was the standard. The photos were quite nice, although I realised whether it's raining or not I really can't be bothered to wait for buses to arrive at bus stops to show people getting on and off. If one comes along I'll take it but it's really not worth the effort to do it deliberately.

Unless I'm inspired I could be on the computer all day tomorrow if it rains, although there's nothing I need to look at there either. So many choices...

Quiet as the grave

Warning, potentially depressing entry ahead:

OK, if you've got this far at least you've been prepared. I'll start on a high note, did you know the most I get to meeting people socially is after funerals nowadays? I'm not even making it up. I go to the gym as well but as I actually know most people at the funerals I have a reason to converse. Certain members are local to me but do you think they keep in touch the rest of the time? Clearly not.
Otherwise it's become so quiet I sat down and analysed what had happened. It's either deadly dull or stress at the moment, and nothing better. Having returned from photographing disused rail bridges and posting the results on the internet has been the high since appearing on TV (500 UK viewers, firm now closed) a few months ago. Having intermittent earache hasn't helped me do much as it can also make me very tired and limit the ambition to go and do any more than the minimum possible. So what with trips on my bike to the local shops and photos of trees I fit this excitement into little bunches of work and seeing family and a few really incredibly draining people as my actual friends have all managed to leave gracefully.

I reckon if one person old or new arrived to share even parts of my life as an asset and not a demanding boring liability that would be the best key to improvement. And there are so many people out there, but all busy with their own lives. People get married, they get divorced and get married again within a year, I'm approaching 50 and never even been engaged besides a few days 200 miles from the person who then changed their mind. That was a blessing as she asked me and is a real liability but I was desperate. We tried it for a couple of weeks and I know what I was missing now. I admit in that time I did more than I had for ages but on about 5 hours sleep a night (not sex, she woke me up early) and constant shopping that was it. The highs were a day in Belgium and a trip (alone) to the Capital Radio roadshow which happened to be on the way home from taking her to work. And we were all given the prizes as not enough people turned up to compete for them! Yes, those were the days. I was just unemployed at the time and assuming within a year I'd be working again. Shows how you can't see anything ahead.

Now despite doing all I can to keep out of trouble when there's nothing bad there's still nothing good. I have an early (for me) appointment tomorrow and stupid aggravating arrangements following, I hope will be better than assumed. Sometimes you can't say no however much you want to. I ought to get them to come round and sort the accounts fgor me, that'll put her off ever bothering with me again. Actually it may even work...
Interestingly I just saw a programme following the lives of 3 short men, 2 the same height as me. It took me many years to realise I wasn't inferior and was just one more thing I had to deal with after being landed an only child which was probably equally destructive to a person. They both last a lifetime, like missing a leg or two, and unless married once your parents die you're on your own. And whatever age you are, you'll always look 14 to everyone else as well. Good formula. Admittedly my brains seem to be taller than most but it isn't quite as instantly obvious. And some won't believe it anyway. Getting told you think too deeply just means you are boring people who can't follow what you're saying and don't care as long as their alcohol supply is available. They may as well close down every philosophy and psychology department in the world as well while they're at it as they're clearly no value to them or in their opinions anyone else.

So maybe the week ahead could be better. I can't tell until it happens. Until recently I had what I called 'The system' where all the good things that may happen ahead were listed. That ended after my last TV appearance and is now empty. OK, only a few things on it ever did happen, most good things can't be seen coming and were not expected in advance, but it added a little hope. My current system is finishing the list of crap arrangements this week. Not a positive but a negative, which is never a good thing. And believe me, it helps to write it all here as if not I'd have to dump it on someone I know and lose another friend or relative as a result. I learnt that many years ago. And oddly the second best woman I probably met (brutal but accurate) still thinks the sun shines via my rectum but besides being in the woods so deep it would take Ranulf Fiennes a few days to get there she's got someone else already. So even though there is one woman alive suitable who thinks I am as well, but am only in with a chance if said man dies suddenly, which a) won't happen and b) is not the way to gain success. Just knowing the right woman is out there who feels the same about me is not just not good enough, but a fucking insult in many ways. Not by her but by life. Like having a meal in the fridge which is locked. No fucking use really is it? Except to my self esteem which still can't find another person 33 years later who feels the same way and isn't carrying a certificate of insanity. So it may tell me I can get the pick of the crop in theory but that's the same as the cheese shop in Monty Pythoin. It really doesn't matter how good the cheese is if it's not in stock is it?

Trust me, few people in my position could feel any different, it must be impossible. The earache that comes and goes doesn't help my attitude either of course...

Yesterday continued

Today seems like yesterday in the atmosphere, admittedly I did see a few work related visitors but the evening ones either switched to tomorrow or vanished altogether. After the last one I did the computer things, watched 2 hours of TV then went out on my bike and bought a few things from the corner shop. Then I came home and face absolutely nothing. Apart from doing this which seems pretty pointless, there's nothing on TV and little else worth doing. No one to talk to is a real punishment, especially after so long.

Meanwhile I am continuing to aspire to become a real writer, despite this laptop writing five words at a time and then freezing. It's really not designed for regular use. Then five letters. Yahoo messenger appeared to be responsible but no, it's just a shit computer. It's like turning the clock back 7 years to my 1st 1gb effort which had to be changed when I couldn't get a radio player on. No news on the new one yet, I would have had it delivered tomorrow if ready but that seems pretty remote now, the only delivery I'll get are the flowery excuses how hard it was to transfer the data and the old drive wasn't as big as I really need and he had to order another one which was out of stock and unless he goes to Southampton will have to wait for his company to restock in March. I don't intend to be without a PC beyond this week and he should give me his own computer if he can't stick to plans.

Tomorrow (I hate talking ahead but nothing else has happened to mention) I hope to go to NW11 (Golders Green and around) for more photos and a visitor in the evening. No other ideas. My business visit is urgent now and am waiting for another arrangement after today's vanishing act. I can't even think of what to do for the rest of the evening... Being alone has really caught up with me, after all these years it's hardly surprising I'm running out of solitary pursuits and avoiding the demanding ones. As much of a test as anything else, the teachings I read tell me to rise above such negativity and if you can once you will always be able to, and you can't learn how without such an opportunity. Who can tell so I'll have to see.
Not a lot more to say, I have a video planned for youtube to attract more abuse and just signed up with Fame TV (I can't watch it) but you have to pay a couple of pounds per video so I'll have to think about it. Being in the big brother house would have to be an improvement right now, surrounded by all sorts but not bored at least. Just driven insane. But you don't need to be there for that to happen, I'm well on my way already.