Looking at my possibilities

Choices, go to bed at a sensible time or blog? You already know the answer. A better weekend than possible, two old signs found yesterday and another business issue sorted out today. The week ahead is clear besides letting the charity collectors in at my late grandma's tomorrow and then take my glasses to have new lenses fitted. That will mop up tomorrow during the daylight and the rest is clear, last week's activities were fine at the time but couldn't do them regularly, spreading people out evenly is obviously better but I don't make the rules.

I do recall a time (before the profile links here went for a year) when the blog was quite a busy place. 50 hits a day and regular comments. I'm relieved two people still comment but where are the rest? OK, the two who called me every name known and a few more are quite welcome to disappear, but knowing from experience how few people blog regularly on their own lives (as opposed to reviewing events or gadgets as if they want a job in some shitty magazine with a few million other aspirants) I am one of the few who has kept going from day one. As life keeps going why on earth would I stop?
I don't read as many now admittedly, you lose the habit when not able to, and then none of the old people are still there. I found a few new ones to link and that was it.

Using the many new age methods I should be able to test my own prowess (assuming they aren't cack after all) this week and direct something positive in. Focus on one thing and see. Today would also have been my grandma's 100th birthday, she made 99 and 4 months which was a bit of a waste of all that preparation, but a lot better than nearly everyone else gets. And me, for having a grandma till I was 49. Only my parents now, and then nothing until 2nd cousins. Not a good prospect that. I still can't believe making an effort to find a person or two to support me in the future can make it happen, especially from people I already know who are at arm's length. My most reliable friends return any time from 2012 but may not be local when they do. The only very dubious ways to get company at home are tenants (no thanks, one in 10 may be ok and then bugger off after a few weeks or so), or pay for a carer. Well I can only see my income covering my requirements and not for a second person as well. So what the hell does anyone do? Search me.

As almost guaranteed (I would have bet on it, although a 1/6 chance it always happens) my book arrived the day I'm not here, I knew it would as they always do. So I won't see it till Thursday, no surprise there. I intend to go to the launch as invited to do the photography and explained my position with regard spending any time there. I haven't even walked in a restaurant for years so no idea the odds of a panic attack. It's not that I always do, but the possibility and fear in advance that are the killers, trust me. Besides one actress I was taken with, I can't think of a single celebrity photo I've taken (who has?), mainly as you never know when you'll see one and secondly it's bloody rude to point a camera in their faces in the street. Plenty of autographs as those are normal, but no more. I did get the backs of John and Edward from X Factor from traffic lights last month but not worth looking at.
I'm also checking out a job for the first time in a few years as well. I don't want one mind you, not a tough one anyway like this, but it's the only one I've seen at my professional level I could get to at all so have to investigate. And if you don't really want it then you can almost guarantee they'll offer it to you, just like with women. It's only when you're interested people turn you down, with very few exceptions.

I haven't had a regular job for a very long time. After losing my last I tried almost solidly for 5 years, getting one which lasted a week as there were no customers to be there to serve. Instead of wasting my time I then studied from home for over a year to get my qualifications up to scratch to apply for professional counselling jobs, and when I did the best I got was a single interview after another year and a half trying. It's a job where people are nearly all self employed and the cream get anything regular. I will see. Of the two the photography is far more important for my career as I'm a counsellor already but no media work, and would earn a lot more from the media as well as a lot more variety. I can keep the clients as always but plenty of space for media work and the huge sums of money they pay wouldn't go amiss either. No qualifications required either, just pure chance if you've any talent at all.

Review of the week

Last week was a free one after two pretty busy ones, I needed the break and wondered if by any chance any more would happen than the bleedin' obvious, however tiny the chances were. Of course the answer was a resounding no, but I did take some very nice photos and the BBC put 2 of mine on TV in the first half of the week and another the second half, after I started adding them to their site on Monday. Quite a good record. Otherwise there's little to report, and when life repeats itself how can you report anything more than the routine that follows from day to day? And to the 10 people who apparently visit every day unlike livejournal or others everyone can comment here without being a member. Hint. A few people I linked not only stopped posting but wiped the blogs as well. So many people do work online and then wipe it when they leave somewhere. I can't see the point. It costs nothing to leave an old blog gathering dust for new readers, and quizzes to be played. Madness and immaturity can be found in even the most apparently sensible people, and in one I did see the signs coming and didn't take long to see the final result.

It's obvious but unless my health is OK life sucks. It's like the weather at the moment, changing throughout the day, and if it stayed good I could almost go back to my old self, instead of rationing everything I do. I did manage a few little jobs in the week which aren't (yet...) affected by my health, ie housework and gardening. So far the diary is clear ahead, and that's how I prefer it at the moment. And 3 weeks till my new series starts and my 4th filming takes place. I think 4 TV appearances, even if only seen on a few TVs are pretty good for someone who waited 46 years for the first sound and vision appearance. I'm sure had one been on real TV someone would have contacted me through the station from the old days, I saw Dr Noreena Hertz become famous after being successful as a professor, she is a few years younger than me and is one of the many women who rejected me over the years. I met her in the kitchen at a party in East Finchley where I grew up, and it turns out she may have lived in that house or road as well. Apart from a few lines she looks exactly the same and given the chance I would still love to give her one, as many others would. So from a very interesting hobby seeing and meeting celebrities, which literally put me up with A listers, I now want to be on that list and people saying they met me. Why not? Unlike the Big Brother crowd they are only celebrities because we know them, not for actually being good at anything. No real foundation there, my career is based on my interests and clear ability in front of the cameras, which I was complimented on the last time. The other element I want to be known for on TV is making people laugh, and hopefully I'll get the chance to do that sooner or later.

One little high spot today, one of the few women as interested me as I was in her still appears to be interested. Miles away but there may be hope there. And at least despite not being currently available I know she cares.

My current question is how would other people react given my exact circumstances? I may be naturally sensitive but seem to have had more of my share of stress in the last few years, none of which many people deserve. And I shouldn't even feel guilty for not having a job, the fuckers who turned me down for things I could have done in my sleep should be. Had I got used to working again a few years ago I may well still be now. The laptop was finally fixed after confounding the engineer for 2 weeks, but the more important ear infection seems to be causing a lot more mystery for the doctor. If there is a plan something has deliberately put the brakes on me as although I am often dizzy, tired and in pain I get other things done during it and in between. And have to turm down simple arrangements simply as I can't rely on myself to manage them. It forced me to risk losing friends but to be honest I never had them any more anyway. My real friend is abroad and the others the past. The rest don't matter. But how a simple problem that should clear up in a week becomes part of my new body is beyond even the experts. Something should fix it but at the moment it's quite possible it can be permanent. And no one can tell me why. I'm not a doctor so it makes no sense to me, but at the moment it seems to make no sense to them either. I haven't got cancer, I haven't got aids, but would you want anything that comes and goes indefinitely whether fatal or not? I don't think so.