Limbo NW9

My current question is what if anything is going to make life more interesting. My actual achievements this year have removed all the existing obligations from the priority list, but besides a few stragglers on the 'can wait' list have little new to actually do to make the best of the now freer time. Of course having a free run doesn't make the people or places any different, it just means you don't have other crap in the way before you can make best use of it.

I've cracked the biggest mystery in enlightenment though, the bad feelings scenario they claim no longer concerns you. It's because you no longer label your feelings with value judgements, but just observe them, that retrains you to actually seeing them all as the same and finally transcending them, being a great barrier otherwise. And secondly my body is no longer separate from everything out there, but just as 'not me' as everything else, me being awareness alone. That cracked the second mystery I am not my body. The subject and object are not my body and everything else, but my awareness and everything else. Bit of Zen quoted there for a source.

I can't at least undo the fact my life was and should still be guided. Why I was guided to drive over 20 miles for a sign I found on Streetview today which turned out to be an extremely nasty recent copy is a mystery to me besides finding a way to spend an afternoon, but got no other photos as been there before and only got some food on the way back which was hardly a special reason to do all the rest. Now if I can find meaning in such pointless events I should be able to in everything, although enlightenment isn't reached through the intellect but the awareness.
So I hope the week ahead will offer more than passing the time aimlessly, last week was mainly hard work and glad it's out of the way, a couple of bookings this week already but free otherwise. I must say there's nothing in the news at the moment that bothers me, it's all pretty irrelevant and will let them get on with it. I can afford their green taxes and would probably still have to pay even if they were honest about needing the money to pay their debts.

It is quite interesting that even when I discover the world appears to have the long reported mind of its own it doesn't make life any better so far. Getting shit jobs out of the way means I'm no longer worried about it, but doesn't create anything besides the odd item in my collections. The actual material available to me hasn't changed, it operates differently when it chooses to but I'm no different whatever I've learnt and while I've been directed to complete one collection it hasn't really touched any other area so far. The fact everything is connected is reminded me a few times a day when I read or write something and hear it on TV or the radio as I do so. That happens to a lot of people I know now as well. So there seems to be an intelligent force but not one with any sort of values as such. It doesn't think, as a parent or partner would 'You've had a hard time long enough, learnt what you need to and can take it easy now' or reward you for your work like an employer would with a little more than some old road signs, although I really did want them as well they aren't enough to affect my life directly.

Then I get an offer of marriage which is with someone I'd feel alone with even if here as she hasn't got an intellect or much conversation full stop. The rest is fine, which is worse in a way as if she was like the others I had the chance I'd have turned and ran. But at 50 with a track record I haven't seen in anyone else whatever's wrong with them and can actually talk to women it's not as if a better chance may ever occur. If I'm bored with her now then presumably whatever I do with her next to me I'll be just as bored as I am without anyone but with the chance to get one. Everyone unanimously tells me to keep away but she is damned attractive and even agreed not to hassle me, which is almost a miracle in a woman. I've known her long enough (16 years) to know if she says she won't hassle me she means it. On the other side being at that age she wants children (may be too late already) and doesn't know anyone else available, so suspect given a few alternatives I wouldn't even get a look in. And this could be guided as well?

So maybe the next level of guidance will be implied rather tha explicit and need more interpretation to see the point. And the main things I want are what nearly everyone else has already (except a job thank you) with the fame being the only extra which I can take care of myself, and enlightenment as a star prize. Deal or No Deal is how I am with this woman now, I've been told I can either get sod all or £1000, where the top prize is £250,000. I've seen people accept about that and then find they could have got a lot more, but I get a chance like this about every 10 years and although my heart rejects it instantly I don't know if I'd get used to it being better than nothing and having to find intellectual conversations elsewhere. I'm so easy to please now but still can't get anyone who covers just enough of the requirements who wants me to get someone.

Limbo NW9

It's finally stopped raining after 4 days, but there's really nowhere worth going anyway. I didn't stay in mind you when it was, I went out looking for signs on Monday and made a video on Wednesday when the rain was lighter so not desperate to catch up. And maybe I am being guided not to go out as there may be something more important to do here, although I haven't found it yet.
I've carried on the online quizzes I've been doing most of the week and of course come back here for inspiration as when presenting the situation for others can often find new ideas. The newspaper where my photos were sent comes out today, I've heard nothing and unless the guy just hasn't bothered to mention it (that's unlikely considering it was me who took them) I presume it's not today although despite being well out of date said it could also be next week. I won't hold my breath.

I even have very little tidying up left to do- only papers really which have to be read and either filed or thrown out. And few of them left now so not really important. I'm going to my mum in an hour anyway so would have gone out anyway today, or I'd have felt more guilty and looked for somewhere to go just to get something new done. Technically when my faith was tested when there was no sign when I went to look (it turned out to be part of the tree the post was covered with) and then many more steps led me to find the very one I thought was there, it should mean it was guided all along and why not now? I still find as life drops back to normal after every event (few are life changing, most just add to my collection or CV) it makes me wonder how it actually works and assume it must be there in the background now all the time although it's rarely seen. And would it really be better not to get a photo in the paper as it won't be known by anyone apart from me or lead to more work, or miss out altogether? I think the answer should be obvious, every step is a good one however tiny.

The expanses of boredom though can't be fixed easily. Even when I left school before my friends and had a few months on my own I cracked up, as we're not meant to be left to our own devices at any time in our lives, it just happens. Some people even compliment me on how busy I keep, mainly as they realise how hard it is to keep occupied without a single person to join in. How can that be guided then? The Celestine Prophecy says once you realise it all is then you have to look for it so I will. Firstly I'm only stuck here for an hour before I go out, I only feel guilty as I wasted a day when it was dry outside and did nothing inside, and have no more plans ahead yet. It is a pisser that when I waste £1 on the paper just in case (I'm not risking getting thrown out of the shop reading it in there) I'll read all the same old shit they've been printing for over 100 years and not see any reference to me there (or again next week when it comes out).
In fact they haven't even been used online which was supposed to be the main reason I took them- had I not posted them myself they'd have just disappeared. A pointless pursuit except it got me out to something I'd never have done otherwise.

So I've increased my collection, know there's guidance, don't need to look for so many signs, and can say I've had my work published in a book. They won't lead to more as that would have involved having the celebrities at the photo shoot, getting my article and own photo in a newspaper (which didn't happen the only time it was submitted), and my TV programmes on terrestrial TV where over a million people would have seen them. I'm getting there certainly but until I do nothing can change.
The guidance ought to now cover all areas, I know it's there and so far haven't reached the point of directing it- only the handful of multi millionaires can claim that and even then can't actually prove it. The Secret claims to demonstrate the principle and am working on it in case. So I'm in limbo and know 100% had I been in the paper I'd have heard about it as no one is that ignorant not to, only TV producers but they have a huge cast of people not to inform, here there's only me.

Limbo is near Hendon

11 people over for my birthday on Saturday, two visitors on Tuesday delayed from when it was snowing, a client yesterday followed by old girlfriend's arrival from Manchester in the evening as she was told the train home may be cancelled from snow so came to see me instead, and a client tonight. The phase of energy for anything arrives, opens and closes again, whether good, bad or indifferent they are around. Otherwise I've made a couple of local videos but when I ran out of discs instead of buying more tried to 'manage' the ones I had, meaning I wrecked one scene (not lost but wrecked) and haven't found a way to save the films and burn them to large DVDs to reuse the little ones. I have the hardware but only get error messages.

But like when I had friends over from school they don't stay so back where I was once they've gone, and really need someone else locally I can at least go and see regularly as well. I've got two more videos uploading since I did lose some data to wipe one disc completely as I wanted to make a video and it was too late to buy more tonight. I don't even know what I wiped out but assumed I had a hard copy and forgot to check what was on it. Never mind. Besides a 2 hour video that needs watching in one go (too late really now) there was nothing on TV at all today, so didn't mind working a double session (time, not money) and am now wondering what to do and say here as neither is exactly inspired. Tomorrow's taken care of with chores, and the cleaner's coming the next day so have to wait in for her. Not that I have a single idea left for where to take photos as 4 years is a long time to cover a large area when going almost daily.

So although I can look back on past achievements they haven't affected the present (besides making me go and get some things I've got already), the book with a couple of my photos in it has just come out and should be in the post, and can't see any more than that. So that means I can now do the washing up as it's the last thing on the list and any more will have to come to me as I can't go and get it at the moment. There's always housework to do but it's been a long day/week and I'm too tired now. That will wait.