Limbo NW9

It's finally stopped raining after 4 days, but there's really nowhere worth going anyway. I didn't stay in mind you when it was, I went out looking for signs on Monday and made a video on Wednesday when the rain was lighter so not desperate to catch up. And maybe I am being guided not to go out as there may be something more important to do here, although I haven't found it yet.
I've carried on the online quizzes I've been doing most of the week and of course come back here for inspiration as when presenting the situation for others can often find new ideas. The newspaper where my photos were sent comes out today, I've heard nothing and unless the guy just hasn't bothered to mention it (that's unlikely considering it was me who took them) I presume it's not today although despite being well out of date said it could also be next week. I won't hold my breath.

I even have very little tidying up left to do- only papers really which have to be read and either filed or thrown out. And few of them left now so not really important. I'm going to my mum in an hour anyway so would have gone out anyway today, or I'd have felt more guilty and looked for somewhere to go just to get something new done. Technically when my faith was tested when there was no sign when I went to look (it turned out to be part of the tree the post was covered with) and then many more steps led me to find the very one I thought was there, it should mean it was guided all along and why not now? I still find as life drops back to normal after every event (few are life changing, most just add to my collection or CV) it makes me wonder how it actually works and assume it must be there in the background now all the time although it's rarely seen. And would it really be better not to get a photo in the paper as it won't be known by anyone apart from me or lead to more work, or miss out altogether? I think the answer should be obvious, every step is a good one however tiny.

The expanses of boredom though can't be fixed easily. Even when I left school before my friends and had a few months on my own I cracked up, as we're not meant to be left to our own devices at any time in our lives, it just happens. Some people even compliment me on how busy I keep, mainly as they realise how hard it is to keep occupied without a single person to join in. How can that be guided then? The Celestine Prophecy says once you realise it all is then you have to look for it so I will. Firstly I'm only stuck here for an hour before I go out, I only feel guilty as I wasted a day when it was dry outside and did nothing inside, and have no more plans ahead yet. It is a pisser that when I waste £1 on the paper just in case (I'm not risking getting thrown out of the shop reading it in there) I'll read all the same old shit they've been printing for over 100 years and not see any reference to me there (or again next week when it comes out).
In fact they haven't even been used online which was supposed to be the main reason I took them- had I not posted them myself they'd have just disappeared. A pointless pursuit except it got me out to something I'd never have done otherwise.

So I've increased my collection, know there's guidance, don't need to look for so many signs, and can say I've had my work published in a book. They won't lead to more as that would have involved having the celebrities at the photo shoot, getting my article and own photo in a newspaper (which didn't happen the only time it was submitted), and my TV programmes on terrestrial TV where over a million people would have seen them. I'm getting there certainly but until I do nothing can change.
The guidance ought to now cover all areas, I know it's there and so far haven't reached the point of directing it- only the handful of multi millionaires can claim that and even then can't actually prove it. The Secret claims to demonstrate the principle and am working on it in case. So I'm in limbo and know 100% had I been in the paper I'd have heard about it as no one is that ignorant not to, only TV producers but they have a huge cast of people not to inform, here there's only me.

A quiet week

The freedom continues at least, and someone discovered an old sign on the main road through Hampton I'd passed hundreds of times but hadn't noticed, and when I got there there was another on the back pointing an arrow the other way, so got the matching pair. One I didn't even remember, to public library. Not much else since, except on the library theme I'm taking the old sign book there to see if they'll buy one. Besides a booking and the usual clearing grandma's house this week there are no plans, my two trips to Herts last week did no more than eliminate the area from my enquiries but kept me occupied.

I'm working my way through the Celestine Prophecy, which eerily reflects my own life exactly up to the 4th of 9 insights. Besides seeing auras I haven't reached the practical part, but how to read the way things are. Connecting to a mysterious energy is the key, and one I already suspected, so could be interesting. I've also done a pile of global warming research, and basically if the media gave equal exposure to all the data not one sane person could believe in the whole crock. Ann Widdecombe, who I've admired for a while, just came out as an independent by putting down her esteemed and crooked leader's total acceptance of all the shite Al Gore's worldwide conspiracy feeds him. Well he's obviously getting a piece himself isn't he woman.

So little more analysis or speculation (would you use a speculum?), just time and space. It's a relief finding more signs as I get hooked on collecting and until I complete the list look before I do most other things. It would be nice if I'd missed something and it would turn up just when I needed it (as well as the signs) but the media and women in general have all turned their back on me, as any potential employers. I only keep looking for more as I've had a lot and lost it so know exactly what I'm missing. Fame would be a bonus and no doubt cover the financial and social side so do a lot by itself. And I will continue to teach wherever I see a need as I get the role I have now. There is a gap and I do fill it. I wish there were a few more available besides that sort...

Passing through the vacuum

If there is a message in my life somewhere it's incredibly well hidden. Even dreams of better places and things just return me back to normal after I wake up. Taking the risk she may even read this (not sure how but this is the internet) I am hoping for a reply from one of the few people like those I meet in my dreams, distant and unavailable but in contact. There's no shortage of right people for us, just ones who are interested. I'd marry at least 50 women I know, probably many more. Not because I compromise in any way but I just have learnt what I'm looking for and they all have it. There is a hierarchy of course, but doubt I'd mind if I had any of them and not another.

So if I look for a message all I can currently see is being poked towards enlightenment, which means equally being poked away from caring about what goes on in real life as whatever happens here is irrelevant to that. But even within the teaching until you get there you still suffer down here. That is heaven and hell everyone. It never meant waiting till you were dead. Hell is when you realise you aren't enlightened and heaven is when you are. And being dead means you don't care either way. Finding pleasure down here is a miracle if it lasts very long. I don't know about other people as most I come across through work suffer the most and although I remember pleasure it was punctuated by some pretty dreadful moments as well, as all our lives have to be. Those who have looked say the good and bad tend to even out over a lifetime. I can see many lives that would be lucky to get close. And those we assume are good are often papering over the cracks. There's every reason to turn your back. So any hidden messages just seem to be reminding me more and more this world isn't worth any effort so why bother, keep all my thoughts on the one beyond it.

Limbo though is between both and when you're possibly leaving one but not yet in the other then really you are where you were but can see where you are going. But the distance isn't known and there's no schedule. This so called recession mind you seems to be gradually returning just a little sanity to the world at last. Oil has come down to a price I can almost afford, and food prices are following. Halleluja. House prices haven't moved mind you, not round here, and that is not good news. Knowing it might be cheaper than it was a year ago to move to Chelmsford is no comfort to those who live in London and want to stay there. Apparently the last recession was when I started my last job (albeit after about 350 applications) and business boomed right through it. The only awareness of the recession was the number of applications as when I worked before my degree I could leave on Friday and find something new by Monday in most cases. I never needed more than a couple of weeks whatever though. London slowed drastically since, although when I went to live in Oxford once I'd left my details jobs came flooding in after a month or so. My first one went permanent so didn't need the others but told me they were available.

Having said that my personal preferences for jobs are so popular (ie just above a holiday) that I never stood a chance. The only one I got was so much like a holiday it had no customers so like its equivalent only lasted a week before I returned home. Now all my projects have basically dried up. I will call the library to see if they want any more photobooks and grudgingly call the TV company for the latest excuse why the last programme has done nothing. I'll start another painting now the clocks have gone back, but have no ideas besides wasting whatever spare time I have writing a book based on this blog which is a last resort of the last resorts. No real point writing a book without being a writer already or bloody famous in which case someone else will write it for you but give you the money. But realistically there's no big plans now. Business will look after itself now, and pleasure (as in finding a woman) has been described here already. Last week it was nice and I went to all the parks on the map I hadn't been to with the camera as it was my last chance till March. Getting dark between 3 and 4pm fucks up my leisure time totally and why I'll be painting again.

I think it's the first time I can remember I haven't been involved in at least one major project but as marriage and regular employment are already covered by most people then they can relax and enjoy the ride, if they are actually enjoying it. I know the formula it's usually when you look the other way something happens, but there isn't really anywhere else to look. It's the same in all directions.

Little more

Just to clarify yesterday (as I did to the comments as well) I still have a few friends, but either away, busy or both plus one I talk to but never see any more. The effect is similar but the people do exist.

Back to today, one thing I have at the moment is free time, one reason I'm here more as well. They don't charge or limit what we write here so why should I be restricted? I was reading a book yesterday that says we should find just one thing in life we can do something to change and give it a little poke. If I can think of anything I will, although in the way of publicity any more would either just irritate people or make an idiot of myself (no comments on that thank you).
I still chase women from my past, and that can work as I see around me. I'm slowly collecting TV programmes from the 60s and 70s although many were destroyed before anyone could save them, no VCRs back then. There are a few major gaps I haven't tracked down yet but filled quite a few as well, including in charity shops.

Meanwhile sometimes life seems back to normal again when something reminds me of enlightenment and it does seem to resonate now unlike before. If there's a path towrds it if I'm not on it now I don't think anything else would be. The certainty I had with my intuition about so many other things is now relating the same to that, like I've finally got it. Nobody confuses me now and can see the partial expanations many give with their holes in. And I can correct them when people ask, as they do. Can you imagine my blogs of that happened? I can't but they wouldn't have much to complain about. Everything in the world would happen at a distance. You'd still enjoy life but wouldn't actually suffer from what I gather. I will no doubt see something unfold as it seems to have started.

Until then though I will be wrapped up in the ordinary as we all are. My ordinary is a lot more than many, but I did see it coming as being an only child and then have my mother leave so even less family support knew unless I got married sooner or later I'd end up stuck on my own. I discussed the woman mystery yesterday, it's not as if they've stopped producing them or I'm in the Space Shuttle, but there seems to be something of a force field around me on that front at the moment. I remember a woman here who said she was interested in me, although like primary school she showed it by being rude and got pissed off when I objected. God help me if she hadn't liked me. Then she did nothing about it anyway even though she could have.
Funnily enough the annual fireworks party at my old school is next week (although they haven't sent me anything) and I've taken two girlfriends to that before. There's one's sister (the one pissing me around at the moment) and the other who never fancied me and was considering calling after a long gap out of lack of alternatives. If I can think of someone suitable as well it'll be a big surprise. I have a week anyway. Last time there wasn't even any food and we had to go to Starburger afterwards just as they were about to close. She'd already eaten before we got there but still had another meal.

I suspect I'll either take the current one through availability with no 'funny business' or go on my own and not see anyone I know. Not the first time or the last. The rest awaits to be seen but fairly predictable I suppose.

I have returned

I am keeping busy and the only thing missing are any people, especially now my grandma's been in hospital so I haven't got anywhere to go in the two evenings a week I went there. Of course I missed a number of Tuesday football matches in the past as a result but you can't do everything. I've been shopping like a lunatic mainly due to eating more at home for the same reason, and exploring new places for variety, in particular more Jewish food which my grandma sometimes has and I wouldn't have otherwise. All the normal household chores (besides the gardening) have been done due to opportunity, and I took the camera on the train yesterday for some inside pictures and a bit of fun. I discovered a bit of Stanmore common I don't remember outside the station which is the best part I've seen, even though I lived there for nearly 2 years and walked there regularly. Just shows.

One place I can live without going to is hospitals. Not that I haven't, I just hate it now having visited so many times already. Just a little thorn in my side. Besides that I have freedom and besides the people to share it with am using it as best I can. There are two very unliely chances for success on the system as well, a woman and a possible job (as in the sense of one off, I can't see myself working again somehow...) well maybe but only if I had to. But they are weeks off if at all and totally unreliable so can only work with what I have. Being the 8th top internet quizzer in the world (from over 1000 players) is nice but doesn't affect you're life a lot, except you don't have to spend 4 1/2 months playing quizzes 3 times a day again. Except I am, as out of habit I joined the hard quiz a couple of weeks after it started and am doing too well not to play till the end, although I pick and choose the games as they don't all count anyway.

Apart from that I am just continuing as normal and have not and will probably not get a bloody thing from outside to help. All I have were the TV programmes that made sod all difference to my life as were seen either by a handful of people here or abroad where I won't be recognised unless I go there. And no idea if many people saw them either. I doubt many people get nice things happening to them either, but most have nice lives with friends and marriages and the ups and downs within a family setting are far less effective than when taken on alone. You can't share any problems and if you reach the stage of relying on outside events you may as well be dead as they don't happen. Even when something apparently good happens, like when Ken Livingstone got kicked out after doing in 8 years to London what Hitler couldn't, the replacement is not that different. Even the achievements I make make no difference besides getting me a bit more work and money, basically life is stable for all of us and the highs are so rare they barely warrant including. The nearest to a high is the end of a low which is something quite different, like removing a splinter. The lack of a negative does not make a positive, just a neutral and that's the default at the moment, and the downs can easily take over when they arrive which is certainly not unreliable. I don't make the rules.

Fatalism

I wonder what a prisoner would write about in a blog? Not much happening there, especially if in solitary. Well when all I do is leave the house for an hour to take a few pictures somewhere I've taken them 5 times before as that is all there is to do means there isn't much to report. I haven't even got in touch with the only woman standing (with some good reason) and there has been no news of any sort with only the arrival of a couple of music DVDs to break the monotony. I've heard nothing yet about the next TV (online) appearance, officially 2 months left of autumn so no rush for them to remove their fingers from deep within their media rectums. The 4th showing isn't for ages and I'll only be able to see it on DVD once they send it.

It has got simply boring, everything that shows promise ends in anticlimax, and if I'm given messages in dreams that all is well why does nothing in my life happen to reflect that? I am using youtube now for hypnosis, meditation and psychic development lessons, can I do any more? Can I bollocks. I think I managed half a job on my growing list last week, ahead may be one or two this week but none are that urgent anyway. And of course I don't expect more as so far there has been no more. Of course every good thing in life doesn't have to be earned. The best things are often there when you are born or soon after, or just arrive on their own. All you earn is money and that's only one area of success, more of a need than a want. Two people I thought knew better just blew me out as well, and for what it's worth I just found the site of someone from Big Brother who I just emailed so who knows.

I also learnt we can't dig ourselves out of these situations directly, and probably not at all, as much as we can't change the weather. Invite 100 people out and they can all say no, and I know you only need one good one anyway. Look at sport, England dumped out of Europe (again), the rugby (as expected) and Lewis Hamilton's car packs up to let Mr Nobody win the world title. Now Ronny O'Sullivan is about to lose a final to a Chinaman (not that anyone else besides Jimmy White would be any better). Out of our control, we have a minor part in our lives, we have the power to say yes and no, where we go and some of the things we do, but nothing lasting or very useful outside exams. They have a structure not found elsewhere so although there isn't the finality of a failure there isn't the organisation of planning the process. Try saying 'I'm going to get a girlfriend' 'I'm going to be famous' or better still 'I'm going to be happy'. No way. They happen when they want to, not when you do. That is life and so far no one can tell me any different.

That week went fast

Blimey, I've been away for a week! Not by any plan, I just clearly had sod all to say. Today my 3rd TV programme was launched only on Sky Anytime. I now discover it is only on Sky Plus for people with the latest boxes and only with a software download. Ie nobody. Fuck that for a lark. Launch a new programme before anyone can watch it. Stupid bastards.

Otherwise I went out on Friday without my camera and by the time I realised it was too late to take them, so I'll have to return a mile or two away to retake them in the week. Work has picked up and I'm filming another alien abduction session with a client tomorrow but only to be shown in America. And I don't get paid, only in publicity. I'm about to check the stats and see if not posting for a week affected the visits or people check in regardless. Maybe google want to kill blogger since they got involved as I can't read any new blogs and neither can anyone else. Most of my links are to other companies and I have to join most so I can leave comments. What a joke. Blogger is the best presented and run site and they've totally fucked up by losing links to other bloggers. How the hell are we supposed to read them if they don't let us?

After the TV programme tomorrow I have little ahead, mainly peace I hope, and will start to get to know my neighbours as I'm asking them all whether they have Sky Plus. Otherwise I just have some more photos from round Hampstead Heath to show for a week, the weather was so bad I didn't even get out for a walk there. My friend in India returned for his annual visit on Wednesday so got to see a few people and talk about philosophy until next year when he returns. My friend in America couldn't afford to come for a holiday so won't be back now for 2 more years unless those plans go west and he stays even longer. The cat caught two mice, assuming one was the one in the house already so that would have been dealt with. Yech. So overall a really average and pretty typical week at the moment. I know there's little more I can do about it, I am starting another article and another quiz for Funtrivia, and again all I produce isn't paid for. All for pleasure or career and not a penny for me. I do manage but one day it would be nice to get paid for my abilities more than currently. And in the media it's all or nothing, they get more than most and for what I wonder? But if I get any I won't be complaining.

Anyway, at least if anyone's been wondering where I am now you know. Driving round Colindale looking for places to take photos. And anyone who's been to Colindale will know what that's like.

Empty space

Another day, half way through the week, the first in a while not packed with business type activities. One less tonight as my second client sent a message while I was out they couldn't make it which I didn't get till later on. I was worn out from gardening and things so better off free but I need the cash!
My free yesterday had some high points, all photographic. Within walking distance I took what I consider some of my best house and garden photos, although they were roads I went to in my first week of digital photography. A combination of new gardens and looking at every house allowed many more new views plus two cats I came across on the route. The second was after joining the BBC Buildings of Britain group on Monday when the new photos were on BBC interactive two of the five I added were on TV! They change every Tuesday and Friday and we can add five new ones a day, so a new photographic career!

The blogger help forum is either more than useless or I've had no replies (or both) as once you post a question there's no way of knowing who replies or where your question is to look. Well organised Google, who have single handedly made blogger the least used system on earth since they took over. Nearly every blog I read now is either through the London link or people I already know, which means 99.9% of blogs here are impossible to locate as is my own to new arrivals. Other than that there's little to report. Sod all on TV besides a video I recorded earlier, Britney Spears' life story is on now which is why I'm in here instead. And that's the better of the shite offered, although should I check the cable lot the quality would be the same as well. The US open golf starts tomorrow and I should see some in between arrangements.

It's early, I have freedom and run out of ideas. The internet is useful but can't replace living when there's little living to do, like watching big brother. At least they have someone to talk to. I write here. It's too late to phone anyone on the list now, they'll have to wait. And it's all business type calls besides one and she wasn't there the last time I tried anyway. You can't keep yourself occupied all the time when you're on your own, I will be going for a walk and have some shitty housework which will probably be done tomorrow now, but at least the back garden got a start at last. And the current countdown to my TV appearance is 3 1/2 weeks, except being split into 7 instalments I have no idea if mine will be on when the series starts as it's only going on TV on demand. I have no philosophy left for today, I had to use quite a bit in my work booking and that was really old stuff and not even my own. And where has my own got me?

Back again, again

I see it's been a while. Probably a good sign as it means I was busy and didn't have time to write here, but also there wasn't much to write. Planning has been good, and each week for the last few has been closer to how I planned it than the last. The good news being there was enough each day to fill it usefully. Besides a little work on Wednesday and doing my mum's garden today it's been photos every day. I worked my way through each flickr group, and have done buses and gardens after the stations last time. And I'm pleased with the results. Other than that I've hardly done a thing but haven't really noticed.

I have also started this year's gardening, done in record time for a change, possibly as I did more last year so wasn't overgrown. But it has been pretty quiet but reasonably tolerable. Only the anticlimax of the empty house at night which rather than get used to becomes like the Chinese water torture and wears me down gradually. So having reported a whole week's activity what do I do to fill the remaining space?

Outer stories dry up like an ancient vagina. All these portents of changes and developments actually leave us with a world just as it was before but more boring. Global warming would liven things up if it happened, the TV coverage of floods and the like would be like New Orleans and the tsunami all the time and the companies would double the viewers. That's why it's still snowing across half the USA this week and I think they'd enjoy it as much as we would here in England. If only. I've forgotten all the other distant predictions as they never happened, and even the stupid internet TV programme I was in hasn't been on a month after unofficially scheduled. Big news is rarer than people realise as most they see is possible, never happened and then forgotten about. War in Iraq was not news, it was a waste of our money and didn't affect us here one bit besides raising our taxes to pay for it. Terrorism is not news, it's the lowest of the low behaving like savages and no relevance to life or society, just scum. The biggest news of 2007 has been the release of the TX4 London cab, the first new car to go on the road in the UK with an older style than the previous (unlike Japan who had loads). I called the radio twice about it and also got to talk about Funtrivia and other transport related stuff which brought in many more enthusiasts.

I have also now got two friends on Funtrivia after 7 years, though neither have posted anything yet. I have no plans now. Tomorrow will be the live online quiz if awake, and that's it until I go to the gym. No photos as I took every one on my list this week. If it's as nice as they predict I may go out on my bike again. The car wash was finally working the 4th time of trying, so it now almost looks like new. Socially it's been dead besides 2 clients (OK, shouldn't count) and talking to the woman next door while doing the garden, but I was too busy to notice. Well, I mustn't look ahead as I'm not there yet so will stop that now, and if this blog has become boring then try being here. I'm not complaining now as it wasn't too bad, but certainly not worth reporting, but I'm all out of fantasy now and also run out of poo jokes. Took me 47 years but it happened. That's showbiz...

Minus one

I need to remind myself from time to time when it's the case that nothing's wrong. It happens so rarely recently I tend to assume there must be even where there isn't. Forget the money, I have. Just now, besides a bad night there are no actual problems.

So, too tired to do much so staying in until the gym later, there is a desk here that can be tidied and then a whole house. I bet I do none of it even though there's little to do online. The earache comes and goes since returning in full last week but the treatment is ongoing. It's a tough bugger this one, it's becoming like an old friend.
If anyone managed to read all my last long entry, well done. I had no idea what was going to happen but it was all relevant. Today I can't think of a thing. Looking back on the week the accounts are finally over, 3 more lots of photos were taken and that was about it, fine really. The list of things I didn't do is a lot longer but the ear business affects my balance and makes me very tired when it starts and I can't do as much as usual till that settles down. Only slightly less than usual I could say. But overall everything seems to get done.

Time for a magic wand. It's really time something really good came out of the blue. Besides the programme showing the case against global warming on TV none of the authorities have acknowledged that was more or less it since my little TV appearances of my own. But they didn't affect my life, it's time something did. Make it so, as my friend Picard says.

Because I still can

Despite a routine that would be close to cryonic suspension I return to report it all. Making a silk purse from a sow's ear from little material is a literary test and one I'd be only too happy to use professionally. I'll mention for the last time I'm in shock after a demand for as much money as I get in a couple of years, it's being dealt with and may or not have to be paid in full, but it's what can happen to anyone and it was my turn. So any extra depression has a reason whether I think about it or not. But that is just a part of what is happening and explains other attitudes when you spot any, and not really surprising.

Otherwise more bloody accounts tomorrow, whatever I said about finishing was clearly premature and how long it will take is anyone's guess as they were in a mess when I looked. Half was computer generated, a quarter from trying to use two computers for one programme and the rest me. But the shit is there and like a new puppy I am the one who will be clearing it up. Then the photos arrive the next day and beyond I do not know or really care as it's miles away. Socially I'm not even in touch with imagining who to call or see, I'm past caring there at the moment. I expect I'll take some more photos this week but not sure where as I've covered nearly all of them, and pretty nicely as it went. Even the earache came back, implying a clear connection between stress and immune system. Like I wanted to find out.

If I embarrassed anyone besides myself with my last entry it was a challenge and having covered every variation of poop jokes still had a bit of mileage in sex, which is my favourite subject. And that was the tip of the iceberg, the rest is kept for me. If anyone wants more read marquis de Sade, he seemed to cover more or less everything. If anything the current chaos should push me to meditate more, as little else so far can divert me from outside events, but the internet sits waiting all day and is so easy to use when nothing's on TV. The DVD I bought worked once on the laptop but wasn't enough memory for all the sound, and now works on nothing. I have to call the supplier tomorrow as it seems buggered. I wasted the whole of Saturday pissing around with programs just to find it was the DVD not the computer. Hours more on the laptop and no dice. My grandma has a player so that's the last try before I complain but I haven't got that long to watch it there really. Well, I am only reporting the last few days and if it's moaning then it only reflects reality and even if I enjoyed losing money and health the actual facts wouldn't change. I can't report what hasn't happened and it's that or write nothing and I complain about all the others who do that and I refuse to join the jumpers. I'll be doing this even if I got a girlfriend...