A few themes today. First and best being my obsession with an unattainable woman. One of the ones I mention from time to time at the gym, who has this site but I suspect has never read it, so I’ll take a risk. Watching her from a distance yesterday I could see the difference between the quality and everyone else. Anything with her would be the real thing, where doing everything with most women is like eating dry bread for lunch. It made the difference so perfectly clear I knew exactly what I had to wait for, probably for the rest of my life, and am alone now as I refused anyone well below the standard. What would be the point? I’d only look at other women just as I do now but wouldn’t be able to even try them. I was wondering why she hadn’t married her boyfriend and it was because he didn’t want to be tied down. My god! They have every other tie imaginable, but he still won’t make the final move. I would right now. Besides the looks she is totally different from all my previous targets, but in practice we seem to get on, which is the true test. I wouldn’t complain about all the obvious faults she must have as they don’t overweigh the good ones. I am now somehow going to get the rumour that I like her around the place so she hears it as if it came out by accident, like the government do. Why shouldn’t she know? It’s not as if I can lose any respect she already has for me, as we don’t choose who we like and I’m not married, or is she for that matter. If she was I wouldn’t even look at her. I learnt to become blind to married women after three attempts made minor inroads but each stopped well short of being unfaithful, though the first said she was leaving her husband before I made my move. She never did.
With no real woman in my life the only way I can remind myself what I’m missing is getting caught up with an imaginary scenario with a real woman, just like an imaginary friend but with qualities that are real and in another universe I may have got in there before the current boyfriend, assuming she wants someone 20 years older than her that is… I think every woman in the past who discovered I liked them from a distance avoided me like I had bird flu once they found out, and as I have nothing to lose from my current score of ‘nil’ may as well let the cat out of the bag after about 2 years of obsession and see if she looks at me in a funny way each time she sees me, or like the others gets out of the way altogether in total disgust. But that wouldn’t have been created by knowing as it would only demonstrate how she felt the whole time, she just would no longer be hiding it.
I have a knack of raising the most negative emotions in women I like, something I’ve done since I was about 12 and joined a mixed school. The ones I ignored or had as friends threw themselves at me, where I either accepted out of convenience or rejected, and whatever I did they followed me around. But once an interest is present they respond with a total hostility I’ve seen continually for over 30 years, with no more than a psychic cause. Just as when I connect my power supply with the wrong polarity, there’s nothing wrong with it or the appliance, they’re just connected backwards and need rewiring to be compatible. I can’t rewire women so how on earth can I rewire myself to give off the vibes I don’t care (equals success) when I do?
On a moral question (one I believe I have the answer to but wonder what others think), where a woman’s with a man but not married, are they not fair game for a man who would marry them? Or even not, as their current one clearly doesn’t really care enough? It happens all the time, but so many people still disapprove, often before it happens to them!
On a tenuously related topic I wondered what would happen if god forbid I became totally housebound? Some people are, and from my side I couldn’t care less if it did, I’d only be concerned about the health issue that caused it. I wouldn’t feel trapped there simply as a) I did all the things I want to already in the big wide world and though some were ok they weren’t such a big deal to miss them, and b) I have made my house such a centre of activity it would be difficult to get that bored as I have nearly anything besides a snooker table I would want to keep myself occupied for the rest of my life if necessary. There are enough housebound people and their friends are bound to sort themselves out into leavers and stayers, the stayers will get used to them and accept their situation, and see them as they would before. You don’t have to be 90 to be stuck indoors unfortunately, and so far I’ve escaped the worst clutches of my health problems, but wondered if it took over how my social life would be affected?
Of course with unlimited money I’d have my vast country estate complete with every facility including art and recording studios and heated pool. Like when I had a little snooker table many people would turn up at all hours, and not usually to see me. Luckily I am still relatively mobile but as the worst case scenario it’s better to formulate it in my mind so I needn’t worry about it happening as a reality. I reckon I’d be the least bothered, it would be the friends and relatives expecting me to turn up for their family funerals and celebrations who would feel they’d lost out (like they really needed me there) and that is squarely their problem not mine.
So today I’ve imagined a best and worst case scenario, where in reality I’m in between. As some mystics would say none matters as it’s all part of the dance and play of life, which is an illusion anyway. I’m only playing a part and in reality my awareness is all there is, everything else being within it for my own entertainment, until it stops being entertaining (which it did some time ago). That’s only the average, as the downs now easily outweigh the ups, but as there’s little reason for that to change (unless they find a way to fix me with no effort from either side) I will continue to look for other ways out.
Sunday, May 21, 2006
Saturday, May 20, 2006
Hope and inspiration
With 101 jobs to do around the house on a free day before I go to the gym, I did 2 and came here instead. I've got a heck of a lot done in the last few weeks (clients, car sale and gardening to start with), which is mainly done now besides the ongoing gardening which I enjoy anyway. Apart from a £300 gas bill (hardly unusual but the second in a row almost which is unusual and down to a massive price rise) and the video predictably ignoring Neighbours which I set it to record yesterday it's a normal day and I slept right through last night, which may happen once every couple of months.
One other element that came from the hypnosis session on Thursday was another message spirits are real, as well as multiple parallel dimensions. The best indication is to have psychic surgery which uses both as is done by spirits and can't be done without using a form of parallel dimension to work inside from the outside, though there's more to it than that. There aren't many psychic surgeons around but as a reiki healer with a sheet of instructions I'd better be one myself which must be easier than looking for one. Meanwhile I sit here now looking at the new car outside, which is something of a great relief I found something not only as good, but so cheap after getting the latest bill. I've still never spent over £2000 on a car and never really got a dud one besides the one where the back half split off when I put it on a jack. But I got rid of it quick enough...
One benefit of placing my problems on paper/screen is I can organise them for answers. One majorly important conclusion was regarding my own sanity. It's been questioned more than once but now I realise the two answers. One, if you remove me from any claustrophobic situation I'm saner than most. That's a genetic oversensitivity to stress and can hardly be called insane if I want to avoid such situations unless my tablets protect me. Two is the nature of how my mind works isn't any form of social inadequacy. Having an affinity for other people and being unable to speak to them 99% of the time means I only make the most of what else I can do. It's what anyone else does when locked up only I'm technically not. But I don't talk to myself or have imaginary friends...
The current theme besides making the most of the freedom is the direction the uncontrollable parts will go, as I said the likeliest is nowhere. Certain areas may shift a little, such as TV appearances, but they clearly won't change my life till they leave the minor channels and arrive on the real ones. Women in fact have always come though the intervals between them increase as my age does. But they also go and always went whenever I wanted them to stay. Financially there is something likely eventually but that'll be far from making me rich and not even 100% certain. On the psychic side I can't imagine a thing happening as I've investigated as far as anyone without any resources can, and there's sod all beyond telepathy and clairvoyance which is at such a low level it's only useful to prove its existence but no practical use.
The only other element is meditation, the only tool to improve myself from inside, and that'll be a lifetime's mission whatever the results. I haven't done my formal one for months now but when I did it tailed off and didn't encourage me to carry on.
The only other element is outside causes, which are like being struck by lightning but in a good way. Like if one of the gorgeous women at the gym picked me up or aliens were announced on the news. Bollocks to all that... But sometimes dreams are the best it gets.
One other element that came from the hypnosis session on Thursday was another message spirits are real, as well as multiple parallel dimensions. The best indication is to have psychic surgery which uses both as is done by spirits and can't be done without using a form of parallel dimension to work inside from the outside, though there's more to it than that. There aren't many psychic surgeons around but as a reiki healer with a sheet of instructions I'd better be one myself which must be easier than looking for one. Meanwhile I sit here now looking at the new car outside, which is something of a great relief I found something not only as good, but so cheap after getting the latest bill. I've still never spent over £2000 on a car and never really got a dud one besides the one where the back half split off when I put it on a jack. But I got rid of it quick enough...
One benefit of placing my problems on paper/screen is I can organise them for answers. One majorly important conclusion was regarding my own sanity. It's been questioned more than once but now I realise the two answers. One, if you remove me from any claustrophobic situation I'm saner than most. That's a genetic oversensitivity to stress and can hardly be called insane if I want to avoid such situations unless my tablets protect me. Two is the nature of how my mind works isn't any form of social inadequacy. Having an affinity for other people and being unable to speak to them 99% of the time means I only make the most of what else I can do. It's what anyone else does when locked up only I'm technically not. But I don't talk to myself or have imaginary friends...
The current theme besides making the most of the freedom is the direction the uncontrollable parts will go, as I said the likeliest is nowhere. Certain areas may shift a little, such as TV appearances, but they clearly won't change my life till they leave the minor channels and arrive on the real ones. Women in fact have always come though the intervals between them increase as my age does. But they also go and always went whenever I wanted them to stay. Financially there is something likely eventually but that'll be far from making me rich and not even 100% certain. On the psychic side I can't imagine a thing happening as I've investigated as far as anyone without any resources can, and there's sod all beyond telepathy and clairvoyance which is at such a low level it's only useful to prove its existence but no practical use.
The only other element is meditation, the only tool to improve myself from inside, and that'll be a lifetime's mission whatever the results. I haven't done my formal one for months now but when I did it tailed off and didn't encourage me to carry on.
The only other element is outside causes, which are like being struck by lightning but in a good way. Like if one of the gorgeous women at the gym picked me up or aliens were announced on the news. Bollocks to all that... But sometimes dreams are the best it gets.
Friday, May 19, 2006
A pile of it
I have no idea. A clean slate having sorted the smooth swap between old and new cars, I could relax today and that's more or less what I did, plus an hour of gardening for my mum.
But despite having absolutely nothing to report, I was drawn here as if there was something destined to come out when I opened the little box. I wondered if it was lavatory stories of people pooing their pants when I was at primary school or a critique of the first day of big brother (I won't be drawn into writing about them here though), or something spiritual based on absolutely bugger all experience, besides another out of body dream last night. Also I'm learning not to repeat myself or state the obvious when I see I'm doing it as most people know the situation and don't need to be reminding.
So this is (as a woman just said on the radio) creating like God. See, the messages are out there, the second I paused she said creating with God. That's the possibility of a blank sheet. I have realised people will only want to learn when they ask you. Knowing the biggest ways of self improvement are wasted on everyone who thinks they're fine, and probably are. So I no longer try and teach unless asked to as no one actually cares if you think you can show them anything new.
Overall, I'm very slowly running out of time. I know there are so many variations ahead, as a flow diagram with percentage chances on each, and living exactly as I am is odds-on favourite. Plus the older I get the less reliable all my health becomes, so any woman (especially those with children already as so many do by now) would basically be getting another one with me, unless my strength eventually returns. Having the work shared must help though so the stress would be cut in half from day one. But though I see a partner as a person and not a route to activities I never even thought I'd care where a partner would and wouldn't go. I want a partner and all the rest really has nothing to do with it, as all the going out in the world are peaks and when you go back to the empty house you're back where you started. And as I said, as I've roughly stopped caring if I add to any of my old lists- countries, football, all the things I've added most of my life, and now started the creative ones- TV appearances, paintings and published work. No going out related now. No need. And many women may be bothered by that though to me every woman I'd ever liked was enough in herself for me, with no interest where else they wanted to go.
Well, I see I've rehashed many old ideas in a different way, but unless life changes somehow for the better I'd be pushed to drag anything new into the picture. It's becoming a mystery how someone I know can have a plan of action, tell me the schedule and then drop it. It's as if he's not bothered and just too busy to stick to what he said, which shows a bit about focusing on what's around and not what's elsewhere. The plans appeared to be made already when the promise was made so I see little else as a reason besides not seeing it as important as I do, which of course to him it isn't as he chose to leave and chose not to come back, I'm the only one who actually is bothered about it. Case closed. Meanwhile a new friend has just gone away for a couple of months, to an internet free zone. Whether she will find it from time to time I do not know, but when you're paying a couple of Euros an hour you don't waste time reading people's blogs. I am left with the serious pains in the arse who are more like listening to interference on a radio than a programme and would rather turn the radio off. My father says as I'm nice to them (or in a few cases have sex) they hook on to me as so few other people can bear them. When they were in the background to real friends they were just an irritation. Now they indicate the social life has altered to mirror the love life, ie third best.
So, I see a pile of what I write every other day above this line, but I can't write fiction. With no one to talk to this is what I do instead. And the worry is this will go on for the rest of my life, as there's little reason why it won't and certainly nothing I can do about it (I have done every possible thing to try). Poor excuse for repetition but the only one I have. Like waiting for the end of a drough which may never happen. I'm not the only one, I meet more and more, and it's the most natural reaction to it.
But despite having absolutely nothing to report, I was drawn here as if there was something destined to come out when I opened the little box. I wondered if it was lavatory stories of people pooing their pants when I was at primary school or a critique of the first day of big brother (I won't be drawn into writing about them here though), or something spiritual based on absolutely bugger all experience, besides another out of body dream last night. Also I'm learning not to repeat myself or state the obvious when I see I'm doing it as most people know the situation and don't need to be reminding.
So this is (as a woman just said on the radio) creating like God. See, the messages are out there, the second I paused she said creating with God. That's the possibility of a blank sheet. I have realised people will only want to learn when they ask you. Knowing the biggest ways of self improvement are wasted on everyone who thinks they're fine, and probably are. So I no longer try and teach unless asked to as no one actually cares if you think you can show them anything new.
Overall, I'm very slowly running out of time. I know there are so many variations ahead, as a flow diagram with percentage chances on each, and living exactly as I am is odds-on favourite. Plus the older I get the less reliable all my health becomes, so any woman (especially those with children already as so many do by now) would basically be getting another one with me, unless my strength eventually returns. Having the work shared must help though so the stress would be cut in half from day one. But though I see a partner as a person and not a route to activities I never even thought I'd care where a partner would and wouldn't go. I want a partner and all the rest really has nothing to do with it, as all the going out in the world are peaks and when you go back to the empty house you're back where you started. And as I said, as I've roughly stopped caring if I add to any of my old lists- countries, football, all the things I've added most of my life, and now started the creative ones- TV appearances, paintings and published work. No going out related now. No need. And many women may be bothered by that though to me every woman I'd ever liked was enough in herself for me, with no interest where else they wanted to go.
Well, I see I've rehashed many old ideas in a different way, but unless life changes somehow for the better I'd be pushed to drag anything new into the picture. It's becoming a mystery how someone I know can have a plan of action, tell me the schedule and then drop it. It's as if he's not bothered and just too busy to stick to what he said, which shows a bit about focusing on what's around and not what's elsewhere. The plans appeared to be made already when the promise was made so I see little else as a reason besides not seeing it as important as I do, which of course to him it isn't as he chose to leave and chose not to come back, I'm the only one who actually is bothered about it. Case closed. Meanwhile a new friend has just gone away for a couple of months, to an internet free zone. Whether she will find it from time to time I do not know, but when you're paying a couple of Euros an hour you don't waste time reading people's blogs. I am left with the serious pains in the arse who are more like listening to interference on a radio than a programme and would rather turn the radio off. My father says as I'm nice to them (or in a few cases have sex) they hook on to me as so few other people can bear them. When they were in the background to real friends they were just an irritation. Now they indicate the social life has altered to mirror the love life, ie third best.
So, I see a pile of what I write every other day above this line, but I can't write fiction. With no one to talk to this is what I do instead. And the worry is this will go on for the rest of my life, as there's little reason why it won't and certainly nothing I can do about it (I have done every possible thing to try). Poor excuse for repetition but the only one I have. Like waiting for the end of a drough which may never happen. I'm not the only one, I meet more and more, and it's the most natural reaction to it.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
TV stars
After our recent TV appearance on Discovery Science, on 'Ten ways to be abducted by an alien', the cast are reunited at my house for some more investigations.
Known
Wednesday has merged into Thursday by 15 minutes, and I've had two pretty active days for a change. Yesterday I picked up the new car over the river in Surrey, took it to Waitrose (only us southern Brits will know that one so tough!) and then went to the gym. Four visits in four days is good, as it's near my Dad and means I can't go as often as I'd like to, but cheaper and easier to park than our local places plus it has plenty of other facilities. I've been going 3 1/2 years now and half my efforts are showing, which makes me wonder where the other half have gone.
Today was a bit of work in the afternoon, grandma, and then picking up car 2 from Surrey after my Dad collected me from home as I drove one car back last night leaving the other outside his house for today. The old one is going to its new home (god willing) tomorrow and had served me very well for 7 1/2 years, never going wrong. It was cleaned and valeted by me before I left and looks pretty good for 13.
Tomorrow is a fourth abduction session to communicate with our alien brothers through my subject who appeared on TV with me. As usual I'll report it here for those that are interested and everyone else!
There is little or no gossip otherwise at the moment. I've been getting on with business a little more than usual, which makes me feel a bit less inadequate for not being able to have a real job (like I could help it). The house is relatively tidy, the rain's stopped me doing anything in the garden (besides the stolen shears) and for a change the kitchen's almost stocked up (thanks to Waitrose).
Making routine life into a report has beaten many writers and bloggers, but I know from reading that once I know someone online and fond them interesting they don't have to do anything unusual to be interesting. Like me, readers can wonder if the relative lack of excitement can last, and will various issues on the system ever happen, especially the long-awaited bad news email that is now gathering such a thick layer of dust it'll soon need a restorer before it can be read. It's only about closure. Like when someone dies and you don't know why. It can't bring them back but most people would rather know why. Gruesome stuff but how human minds are designed and allows us to carry on learning, otherwise we'd never bother to find anything out unless we could use the answer in a practical way. Information for its own sake is a human quality and one all quiz players will be very familiar with.
Just for fun I listed every possible result in a little diagram. It includes 'no answer' (as in not mentioned in email) which is evens favourite. Then the new visas were granted so mustn't be wasted, the business can't be left to be run by anyone else, and it's not worth messing up the kid's education, all equally likely. The actual effect is the same, but having given a date for the post mortem (May 2nd) my curiosity was naturally awoken, and my curiosity is naturally the size of Wales which is what makes me such a geek at times (and proud of it). If the person is reading this I'll no doubt get an extra comment, but I doubt he has time.
For a rare moment all I have to do online are work related (plus a very complicated sports quiz I was sent which is almost work as there are prizes), but no actual surfing left to do. All my emails have been replied to and forums checked, plus I'm in a global challenge quiz which boosts your level more by quantity than anything else, though unless you keep about 85% correct you won't get very far. Having no one to talk to full-time means I would usually want to do that now, and have to think of other things as it's not quite bedtime. Eating used to be the next option and I got a 36" waist as a result. So that's verboten as I had tea and biscuits at 11pm. Just a view of life here alone, when the day's almost over and there's nothing special to do. In the past I'd meditate but I'd fall asleep if I try now so will put that on the system for the next time. I have also started on my second commissioned painting today, I may do that for a while, good idea.
Today was a bit of work in the afternoon, grandma, and then picking up car 2 from Surrey after my Dad collected me from home as I drove one car back last night leaving the other outside his house for today. The old one is going to its new home (god willing) tomorrow and had served me very well for 7 1/2 years, never going wrong. It was cleaned and valeted by me before I left and looks pretty good for 13.
Tomorrow is a fourth abduction session to communicate with our alien brothers through my subject who appeared on TV with me. As usual I'll report it here for those that are interested and everyone else!
There is little or no gossip otherwise at the moment. I've been getting on with business a little more than usual, which makes me feel a bit less inadequate for not being able to have a real job (like I could help it). The house is relatively tidy, the rain's stopped me doing anything in the garden (besides the stolen shears) and for a change the kitchen's almost stocked up (thanks to Waitrose).
Making routine life into a report has beaten many writers and bloggers, but I know from reading that once I know someone online and fond them interesting they don't have to do anything unusual to be interesting. Like me, readers can wonder if the relative lack of excitement can last, and will various issues on the system ever happen, especially the long-awaited bad news email that is now gathering such a thick layer of dust it'll soon need a restorer before it can be read. It's only about closure. Like when someone dies and you don't know why. It can't bring them back but most people would rather know why. Gruesome stuff but how human minds are designed and allows us to carry on learning, otherwise we'd never bother to find anything out unless we could use the answer in a practical way. Information for its own sake is a human quality and one all quiz players will be very familiar with.
Just for fun I listed every possible result in a little diagram. It includes 'no answer' (as in not mentioned in email) which is evens favourite. Then the new visas were granted so mustn't be wasted, the business can't be left to be run by anyone else, and it's not worth messing up the kid's education, all equally likely. The actual effect is the same, but having given a date for the post mortem (May 2nd) my curiosity was naturally awoken, and my curiosity is naturally the size of Wales which is what makes me such a geek at times (and proud of it). If the person is reading this I'll no doubt get an extra comment, but I doubt he has time.
For a rare moment all I have to do online are work related (plus a very complicated sports quiz I was sent which is almost work as there are prizes), but no actual surfing left to do. All my emails have been replied to and forums checked, plus I'm in a global challenge quiz which boosts your level more by quantity than anything else, though unless you keep about 85% correct you won't get very far. Having no one to talk to full-time means I would usually want to do that now, and have to think of other things as it's not quite bedtime. Eating used to be the next option and I got a 36" waist as a result. So that's verboten as I had tea and biscuits at 11pm. Just a view of life here alone, when the day's almost over and there's nothing special to do. In the past I'd meditate but I'd fall asleep if I try now so will put that on the system for the next time. I have also started on my second commissioned painting today, I may do that for a while, good idea.
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Unknown
Unknown, today's topic. I've got a bit of free time and came straight here like a dog to a lamp post. I can say I've just bought a new car which I'm going to collect later (well, it's 7 years old but new for me), otherwise unknown. The magic point is known, but as I said how to get it back isn't. Knowing your prison's layout is interesting but doesn't mean you can escape. But I think for most people who have lost it without a trauma it should come and go as it pleases like it does for everyone else. It's a trauma which cuts you off from it and how you undo that lot is pure luck in my experience. Time doesn't help much, the inner switch is virtually immune to that as it's stuck in the off position and needs another even to turn it back. I don't even know if the darn things can be turned back either...
On a more cheerful note, the email reply rate is a lot better than usual at the moment, another of those phases which seems to have no reason for it but happens anyway. There is really only one realistic thing to look forward to, but at an unknown time with a 5% success rate, but more than usual really. Meanwhile I'll see if I can inspire myself or anyone else to hook into the stream of magic, and how to lift the barrier to it.
It certainly didn't change how I felt knowing the formula. Or Sharon. It's similar to knowing we'd feel better sharing a house with family or a partner. But the one difference is there's no requirement on others to return the magic. The barrier's inside and needs to be opened, and what does that is a mystery to me.
But one clue is I always believed that if I knew there was another dimension with people also living in it and we could interact with it would solve many of my problems. It would mean at least I was never alone as they would always be around us. And we could also escape by visiting their side if we learnt how. Plus we are told they have far superior abilities to us, and may be able to help us with some of our problems which are almost insoluble here. All the best children's stories like Narnia, Tom's midnight garden and Harry Potter involve parallel worlds children (why only children?) can walk into and back from wherever they are without the need for airports or train tickets. Technically though many books have been written on exactly such experiences here (usually one offs) there's nothing to indicate they're real, and no references to doorways otherwise the whole world would be queueing up to go through.
Out of body experiences get you there as well, and at least with them they work on this level as people report accurately what's going on where they're not. But once they leave earth who knows whether anywhere they go is real?
One thing I can be congratulated for is going to bed and getting up early, it proves it can be done. Only an hour or two this time, but I intend to keep it up. I can go on the computer just as easily when I get up as before I go to bed.
Finally, though I hardly remember it, I keep notes anyway, I had a dream where I clearly ehard a voice telling me to only take notice of what's going on in the present. It's what most teach anyhow but unlike most sounds in dreams which are more telepathic thought types, this was a clear loud voice reminding me what I need to do. That means guessing what this week will be like, let alone caring, is out. All there is is sitting here typing on the computer. A simple but disciplined method as how long can you normally keep looking at the present without your mind wandering ahead? And believe me there's no need to. It's a waste of energy as it can't make the future be any different if we imagine it ahead. I've tested that one to the limits.
More when the inspiration comes to me...
On a more cheerful note, the email reply rate is a lot better than usual at the moment, another of those phases which seems to have no reason for it but happens anyway. There is really only one realistic thing to look forward to, but at an unknown time with a 5% success rate, but more than usual really. Meanwhile I'll see if I can inspire myself or anyone else to hook into the stream of magic, and how to lift the barrier to it.
It certainly didn't change how I felt knowing the formula. Or Sharon. It's similar to knowing we'd feel better sharing a house with family or a partner. But the one difference is there's no requirement on others to return the magic. The barrier's inside and needs to be opened, and what does that is a mystery to me.
But one clue is I always believed that if I knew there was another dimension with people also living in it and we could interact with it would solve many of my problems. It would mean at least I was never alone as they would always be around us. And we could also escape by visiting their side if we learnt how. Plus we are told they have far superior abilities to us, and may be able to help us with some of our problems which are almost insoluble here. All the best children's stories like Narnia, Tom's midnight garden and Harry Potter involve parallel worlds children (why only children?) can walk into and back from wherever they are without the need for airports or train tickets. Technically though many books have been written on exactly such experiences here (usually one offs) there's nothing to indicate they're real, and no references to doorways otherwise the whole world would be queueing up to go through.
Out of body experiences get you there as well, and at least with them they work on this level as people report accurately what's going on where they're not. But once they leave earth who knows whether anywhere they go is real?
One thing I can be congratulated for is going to bed and getting up early, it proves it can be done. Only an hour or two this time, but I intend to keep it up. I can go on the computer just as easily when I get up as before I go to bed.
Finally, though I hardly remember it, I keep notes anyway, I had a dream where I clearly ehard a voice telling me to only take notice of what's going on in the present. It's what most teach anyhow but unlike most sounds in dreams which are more telepathic thought types, this was a clear loud voice reminding me what I need to do. That means guessing what this week will be like, let alone caring, is out. All there is is sitting here typing on the computer. A simple but disciplined method as how long can you normally keep looking at the present without your mind wandering ahead? And believe me there's no need to. It's a waste of energy as it can't make the future be any different if we imagine it ahead. I've tested that one to the limits.
More when the inspiration comes to me...
Monday, May 15, 2006
The Secret Garden
I was right! How often am I sure of that nowadays? And having just been told by a Christian on the radio that miracles come from God through people.
After getting a free copy of all 7 episodes of the Secret Garden TV series from 1975 in the paper, I began to realise it had every point in it that had applied to my own life recently. Isolation, and all its consequences, and what could be done about it.
I just saw the final episode, and what was it about? Yes, something I discovered recently and was one thing I was certain about, magic. That part that we want to live for and remember when it’s missing from our lives. What happened in the final episode? The character who became well again realised exactly the same thing himself. The whole episode repeated my message for everyone. Besides seeing the series at the time, I barely remembered a minute of it, and only remember one character, which is unlike me. But I certainly worked out the magic myself and didn’t remember something 30 years ago in case anyone doesn’t trust my own route to the answer. But I had to add that as it surprised me more than anyone. But the point is, whoever got there first, it’s true.
Why have so many people been upset by what I write here (but luckily still read it)- as I was cut off from the magic for some time now. A bit at a time until there was none left. Not that there wasn’t any, I was still in the same places and doing similar things, but I was cut off from it, and reacted as anyone would who exists but doesn’t really live, remembering the difference.
So the message has come in a complete circle. I worked out the formula and then I was sent a video which first affirmed every point I made here, and concluded with the same ending as I did. I didn’t ever doubt it before, but this has the added dimension of a miracle.
I was cut off from something myself, and still have no idea how and if I’ll get it back. It’s been a long story with parts I preferred not to put here. But I’m more than half way to getting it back now as I know where and what it is. Every character in the programme played their part in creating the solution to the problems the main children had, and the person who knew the most wasn’t in the story, but wrote it. As I said before, those who know the most in my experience are those who write stories that are accurate and perceptive. You do well in writing if people relate to what you write, and there is a clear message there which worked for me, and if a message works on me it’ll work on anyone.
After getting a free copy of all 7 episodes of the Secret Garden TV series from 1975 in the paper, I began to realise it had every point in it that had applied to my own life recently. Isolation, and all its consequences, and what could be done about it.
I just saw the final episode, and what was it about? Yes, something I discovered recently and was one thing I was certain about, magic. That part that we want to live for and remember when it’s missing from our lives. What happened in the final episode? The character who became well again realised exactly the same thing himself. The whole episode repeated my message for everyone. Besides seeing the series at the time, I barely remembered a minute of it, and only remember one character, which is unlike me. But I certainly worked out the magic myself and didn’t remember something 30 years ago in case anyone doesn’t trust my own route to the answer. But I had to add that as it surprised me more than anyone. But the point is, whoever got there first, it’s true.
Why have so many people been upset by what I write here (but luckily still read it)- as I was cut off from the magic for some time now. A bit at a time until there was none left. Not that there wasn’t any, I was still in the same places and doing similar things, but I was cut off from it, and reacted as anyone would who exists but doesn’t really live, remembering the difference.
So the message has come in a complete circle. I worked out the formula and then I was sent a video which first affirmed every point I made here, and concluded with the same ending as I did. I didn’t ever doubt it before, but this has the added dimension of a miracle.
I was cut off from something myself, and still have no idea how and if I’ll get it back. It’s been a long story with parts I preferred not to put here. But I’m more than half way to getting it back now as I know where and what it is. Every character in the programme played their part in creating the solution to the problems the main children had, and the person who knew the most wasn’t in the story, but wrote it. As I said before, those who know the most in my experience are those who write stories that are accurate and perceptive. You do well in writing if people relate to what you write, and there is a clear message there which worked for me, and if a message works on me it’ll work on anyone.
Saturday, May 13, 2006
Week's review 3
Friday night and the addiction is kicking in. Go to bed early, watch the video on tv? No, I gotta blog already! It's really the equivalent of having a late night, on demand therapist, so I shouldn't complain.
It's been one of those quiet weeks where nothing bad or good happened. I was fairly at peace, worked fairly hard and already showed some of the photos I took. The weather was nice most of the time as well, and I'm on day 3 of t shirts from around the start of May onwards. That's how I know if the weather is really good or just pretending.
So, the trouble with weeks like this is it makes me think is that all there will ever be, the main good just being the absence of bad, like finding things you'd lost you don't gain anything, just break even. Big bloody deal. I've been breaking even a long time in my better weeks, and losing big time on the worst. I have some profit such as getting on TV, but as the real rich and famous will tell you that alone isn't directly going to bring you happiness, and the satisfaction of permanent improvements such as qualifications wears off after a day or two usually. I'm not like a London taxi driver wearing a badge with LLB (Hons) on it the way they ostentatiously wear their badges round their necks at all times (which I somehow don't believe is compulsory). No, it's people and health that matter first, the rest is a bonus.
Some formulas to ponder:
1) If you lose something and look for it, you invariably rarely find it. Then when you look for something else you find it instead.
2) Related, if you finally realise something isn't going to happen then it may do.
3) You only learn to appreciate the good things after you lose them, but rarely get a second chance to get them back and appreciate them.
These imply a form of control. It's not even selective reporting, these seem to apply most of the time to most people and it doesn't make logical sense. It's a very specific form of coincidence, I've just mentioned the three that have been going on this week, but there are many more I hadn't remembered, and implies a system in place that may stop holding us back once we learn how to beat it.
So if you find a formula is operating you then need to find a way to work around it. Buddhists and mystics recognise the 2nd rule as a classic, and train their students not to care about their results in order to succeed in them. Of course it requires higher powers to respond to our thoughts and feelings, and be monitored by them constantly. But they surely don't care about our welfare as although I'm in reasonable health right now and free to type this, and have paid my bills so it all works, it isn't always like this. Multiply that by every other innocent person suffering and it seems like although evidence exists for arrangement, it's a real bastard in charge, unless my powers of recovery are far greater than I realise.
However much my experience tells me it's a random chaos with no more than we see, little messages keep arriving telling me I'm wrong. I decided about Wednesday it was all crap only to be told someone I know has been looked after most of her life by the very entities I'd dismissed from reality. I really need to know either way now as only one possibility can be true. Asuuming there's a long initiation for anyone with aspirations beyond the mundane, I've been on trial a long time, and have hardly missed an ordeal now so am due for some sort of graduation, and should I have failed, then kick me out and finish me off, but the path as far as I'm concerned should be over now or soon enough. I've got auric scars (so they call them) like a map of the world, and believe I should get a conclusion before there's none left. I've passed the stage of teaching the stuff for now, as those who are interested usually know more than me already, and the rest have no interest or hostility. It's just for me at the moment, a personal journey and one I sense should be about over one way or another, pass or fail.
A sign or two would be nice.
It's been one of those quiet weeks where nothing bad or good happened. I was fairly at peace, worked fairly hard and already showed some of the photos I took. The weather was nice most of the time as well, and I'm on day 3 of t shirts from around the start of May onwards. That's how I know if the weather is really good or just pretending.
So, the trouble with weeks like this is it makes me think is that all there will ever be, the main good just being the absence of bad, like finding things you'd lost you don't gain anything, just break even. Big bloody deal. I've been breaking even a long time in my better weeks, and losing big time on the worst. I have some profit such as getting on TV, but as the real rich and famous will tell you that alone isn't directly going to bring you happiness, and the satisfaction of permanent improvements such as qualifications wears off after a day or two usually. I'm not like a London taxi driver wearing a badge with LLB (Hons) on it the way they ostentatiously wear their badges round their necks at all times (which I somehow don't believe is compulsory). No, it's people and health that matter first, the rest is a bonus.
Some formulas to ponder:
1) If you lose something and look for it, you invariably rarely find it. Then when you look for something else you find it instead.
2) Related, if you finally realise something isn't going to happen then it may do.
3) You only learn to appreciate the good things after you lose them, but rarely get a second chance to get them back and appreciate them.
These imply a form of control. It's not even selective reporting, these seem to apply most of the time to most people and it doesn't make logical sense. It's a very specific form of coincidence, I've just mentioned the three that have been going on this week, but there are many more I hadn't remembered, and implies a system in place that may stop holding us back once we learn how to beat it.
So if you find a formula is operating you then need to find a way to work around it. Buddhists and mystics recognise the 2nd rule as a classic, and train their students not to care about their results in order to succeed in them. Of course it requires higher powers to respond to our thoughts and feelings, and be monitored by them constantly. But they surely don't care about our welfare as although I'm in reasonable health right now and free to type this, and have paid my bills so it all works, it isn't always like this. Multiply that by every other innocent person suffering and it seems like although evidence exists for arrangement, it's a real bastard in charge, unless my powers of recovery are far greater than I realise.
However much my experience tells me it's a random chaos with no more than we see, little messages keep arriving telling me I'm wrong. I decided about Wednesday it was all crap only to be told someone I know has been looked after most of her life by the very entities I'd dismissed from reality. I really need to know either way now as only one possibility can be true. Asuuming there's a long initiation for anyone with aspirations beyond the mundane, I've been on trial a long time, and have hardly missed an ordeal now so am due for some sort of graduation, and should I have failed, then kick me out and finish me off, but the path as far as I'm concerned should be over now or soon enough. I've got auric scars (so they call them) like a map of the world, and believe I should get a conclusion before there's none left. I've passed the stage of teaching the stuff for now, as those who are interested usually know more than me already, and the rest have no interest or hostility. It's just for me at the moment, a personal journey and one I sense should be about over one way or another, pass or fail.
A sign or two would be nice.
Week's review 3
Friday night and the addiction is kicking in. Go to bed early, watch the video on tv? No, I gotta blog already! It's really the equivalent of having a late night, on demand therapist, so I shouldn't complain.
It's been one of those quiet weeks where nothing bad or good happened. I was fairly at peace, worked fairly hard and already showed some of the photos I took. The weather was nice most of the time as well, and I'm on day 3 of t shirts from around the start of May onwards. That's how I know if the weather is really good or just pretending.
So, the trouble with weeks like this is it makes me think is that all there will ever be, the main good just being the absence of bad, like finding things you'd lost you don't gain anything, just break even. Big bloody deal. I've been breaking even a long time in my better weeks, and losing big time on the worst. I have some profit such as getting on TV, but as the real rich and famous will tell you that alone isn't directly going to bring you happiness, and the satisfaction of permanent improvements such as qualifications wears off after a day or two usually. I'm not like a London taxi driver wearing a badge with LLB (Hons) on it the way they ostentatiously wear their badges round their necks at all times (which I somehow don't believe is compulsory). No, it's people and health that matter first, the rest is a bonus.
Some formulas to ponder:
1) If you lose something and look for it, you invariably rarely find it. Then when you look for something else you find it instead.
2) Related, if you finally realise something isn't going to happen then it may do.
3) You only learn to appreciate the good things after you lose them, but rarely get a second chance to get them back and appreciate them.
These imply a form of control. It's not even selective reporting, these seem to apply most of the time to most people and it doesn't make logical sense. It's a very specific form of coincidence, I've just mentioned the three that have been going on this week, but there are many more I hadn't remembered, and implies a system in place that may stop holding us back once we learn how to beat it.
So if you find a formula is operating you then need to find a way to work around it. Buddhists and mystics recognise the 2nd rule as a classic, and train their students not to care about their results in order to succeed in them. Of course it requires higher powers to respond to our thoughts and feelings, and be monitored by them constantly. But they surely don't care about our welfare as although I'm in reasonable health right now and free to type this, and have paid my bills so it all works, it isn't always like this. Multiply that by every other innocent person suffering and it seems like although evidence exists for arrangement, it's a real bastard in charge, unless my powers of recovery are far greater than I realise.
However much my experience tells me it's a random chaos with no more than we see, little messages keep arriving telling me I'm wrong. I decided about Wednesday it was all crap only to be told someone I know has been looked after most of her life by the very entities I'd dismissed from reality. I really need to know either way now as only one possibility can be true. Asuuming there's a long initiation for anyone with aspirations beyond the mundane, I've been on trial a long time, and have hardly missed an ordeal now so am due for some sort of graduation, and should I have failed, then kick me out and finish me off, but the path as far as I'm concerned should be over now or soon enough. I've got auric scars (so they call them) like a map of the world, and believe I should get a conclusion before there's none left. I've passed the stage of teaching the stuff for now, as those who are interested usually know more than me already, and the rest have no interest or hostility. It's just for me at the moment, a personal journey and one I sense should be about over one way or another, pass or fail.
A sign or two would be nice.
It's been one of those quiet weeks where nothing bad or good happened. I was fairly at peace, worked fairly hard and already showed some of the photos I took. The weather was nice most of the time as well, and I'm on day 3 of t shirts from around the start of May onwards. That's how I know if the weather is really good or just pretending.
So, the trouble with weeks like this is it makes me think is that all there will ever be, the main good just being the absence of bad, like finding things you'd lost you don't gain anything, just break even. Big bloody deal. I've been breaking even a long time in my better weeks, and losing big time on the worst. I have some profit such as getting on TV, but as the real rich and famous will tell you that alone isn't directly going to bring you happiness, and the satisfaction of permanent improvements such as qualifications wears off after a day or two usually. I'm not like a London taxi driver wearing a badge with LLB (Hons) on it the way they ostentatiously wear their badges round their necks at all times (which I somehow don't believe is compulsory). No, it's people and health that matter first, the rest is a bonus.
Some formulas to ponder:
1) If you lose something and look for it, you invariably rarely find it. Then when you look for something else you find it instead.
2) Related, if you finally realise something isn't going to happen then it may do.
3) You only learn to appreciate the good things after you lose them, but rarely get a second chance to get them back and appreciate them.
These imply a form of control. It's not even selective reporting, these seem to apply most of the time to most people and it doesn't make logical sense. It's a very specific form of coincidence, I've just mentioned the three that have been going on this week, but there are many more I hadn't remembered, and implies a system in place that may stop holding us back once we learn how to beat it.
So if you find a formula is operating you then need to find a way to work around it. Buddhists and mystics recognise the 2nd rule as a classic, and train their students not to care about their results in order to succeed in them. Of course it requires higher powers to respond to our thoughts and feelings, and be monitored by them constantly. But they surely don't care about our welfare as although I'm in reasonable health right now and free to type this, and have paid my bills so it all works, it isn't always like this. Multiply that by every other innocent person suffering and it seems like although evidence exists for arrangement, it's a real bastard in charge, unless my powers of recovery are far greater than I realise.
However much my experience tells me it's a random chaos with no more than we see, little messages keep arriving telling me I'm wrong. I decided about Wednesday it was all crap only to be told someone I know has been looked after most of her life by the very entities I'd dismissed from reality. I really need to know either way now as only one possibility can be true. Asuuming there's a long initiation for anyone with aspirations beyond the mundane, I've been on trial a long time, and have hardly missed an ordeal now so am due for some sort of graduation, and should I have failed, then kick me out and finish me off, but the path as far as I'm concerned should be over now or soon enough. I've got auric scars (so they call them) like a map of the world, and believe I should get a conclusion before there's none left. I've passed the stage of teaching the stuff for now, as those who are interested usually know more than me already, and the rest have no interest or hostility. It's just for me at the moment, a personal journey and one I sense should be about over one way or another, pass or fail.
A sign or two would be nice.
Friday, May 12, 2006
Paths again
As Flickr is full (as is my official photo list bar a couple) I'm posting all my local pictures here now as they let me. Here are the garage paths between the roads beyond my estate. Normally locked I did manage to get in to a couple and show the suburban neglect where clearly only a minority of people are actually using their garages. Nice garden over the fence though.
Lonely at the top
I've come to a conclusion and not one I can apologise for either. There are a few people who see what's going on and the rest walk around taking anything that comes as reality. But once you realise and try and help the others they don't want to know. I give up. It's a waste of time being able to see what's behind so many stories, rules and other nonsense we get thrown at us by our governments and media and try and convey it to anyone else as they don't believe you.
The others who know don't need telling, and being in the minority and unable to enlighten all but a few of the majority may as well keep it to ourselves and realise we are the visionaries in a partially sighted society. Politicians know this of course, and exploit it by making the rules that constrict us in the first place, convincing all but us few it's to help us and look after the disadvantaged (like the asylum seekers for instance). In fact cheap underground labour means minimum wage laws can be broken by unregistered workers, and whatever unpleasant reasons the Labour party have in their leaked policy of encouraging immigration from lesser developed countries it's not to improve the lives of the current residents.
David Icke explains much of this mechanism, but in a more optimistic way than me, believing in realising it's an illusion will break it. No, unfortunately people like their prison. As he says, if you tell the public you are helping them they tend to believe it. Combine that with three main parties with bearly a policy between them that is different (European Union, Interest rates, fuel taxes etc etc) they make sure that they give the impression they'll do something different whereas in practice things like public toilets and car parking fees are treated the same by most councils in London, ie no and yes in that order. Any tiny party with a different policy is laughed at by the three main parties and will never get more than a few politicians elected despite having a lot to offer in the case of the UK independence party at least.
But I've given up preaching and teaching. If you see a turkey heading for the slaughterhouse you can try and tell them to cross the road, but like trying to teach a dog Russian they won't understand. I admit if I can break the odd rule here and there I do, as we all do really (yes, even someone paying their builder in cash is committing a crime) but we all do it. I just don't pick and choose as selectively as some as I have total contempt for certain rules and I don't mean paying VAT as at least there's a reason for it. Of course I can't say which rules I do disagree with as I'll be incriminating myself, but I will say not one does anyone any harm. Which illustrates my original point perfectly. Many laws cause more harm than they avoid. Think about it, many laws vary from country to country and over time. Oral sex. Perfect example. What harm has that done anyone? But in half the US states as far as I know it's illegal. How the bloody hell is that supposed to protect anyone? And do it in Iran and you'll more than likely lose it as a result.
That is one example of a more obvious harmless law to break, and there are millions of others if I bothered to count around the world. Bollocks to them, and if they made theft legal tomorrow I still wouldn't do it. Common sense is far more useful than laws, as those who break them still do, they just risk punishment. Unless like Malaysia or Thailand where you could be executed for most crimes they will continue to do so. Human nature. Like any laws. Remove Britain's speed limits for a week and everyone will nearly all drive at the safe speed for the conditions. Make murder legal and very few people would kill someone as a result. Anyone who is evil or crazy enough to kill isn't going to need permission before they shoot their wife or mother in law. The penalty for murder has always been severe and the people who commit it either so unstable they wanted one person dead and never again or are evil career criminals who put no value on human life. Laws have no effect on either, and I suggest morals will rule a country better from the few I mention educating the many so the ones with brains to think will choose not to hurt others, rather than not in case they are punished. And if you put all the career criminals on a few islands as they did with Australia, there'd be no one else to rob or attack and they'd be free but unable to do what they did before and have little choice but learn other ways to keep busy. It made Australia what it is, apparently a hotter and larger version of Essex, but far more civilised than many places and not full of criminals.
The others who know don't need telling, and being in the minority and unable to enlighten all but a few of the majority may as well keep it to ourselves and realise we are the visionaries in a partially sighted society. Politicians know this of course, and exploit it by making the rules that constrict us in the first place, convincing all but us few it's to help us and look after the disadvantaged (like the asylum seekers for instance). In fact cheap underground labour means minimum wage laws can be broken by unregistered workers, and whatever unpleasant reasons the Labour party have in their leaked policy of encouraging immigration from lesser developed countries it's not to improve the lives of the current residents.
David Icke explains much of this mechanism, but in a more optimistic way than me, believing in realising it's an illusion will break it. No, unfortunately people like their prison. As he says, if you tell the public you are helping them they tend to believe it. Combine that with three main parties with bearly a policy between them that is different (European Union, Interest rates, fuel taxes etc etc) they make sure that they give the impression they'll do something different whereas in practice things like public toilets and car parking fees are treated the same by most councils in London, ie no and yes in that order. Any tiny party with a different policy is laughed at by the three main parties and will never get more than a few politicians elected despite having a lot to offer in the case of the UK independence party at least.
But I've given up preaching and teaching. If you see a turkey heading for the slaughterhouse you can try and tell them to cross the road, but like trying to teach a dog Russian they won't understand. I admit if I can break the odd rule here and there I do, as we all do really (yes, even someone paying their builder in cash is committing a crime) but we all do it. I just don't pick and choose as selectively as some as I have total contempt for certain rules and I don't mean paying VAT as at least there's a reason for it. Of course I can't say which rules I do disagree with as I'll be incriminating myself, but I will say not one does anyone any harm. Which illustrates my original point perfectly. Many laws cause more harm than they avoid. Think about it, many laws vary from country to country and over time. Oral sex. Perfect example. What harm has that done anyone? But in half the US states as far as I know it's illegal. How the bloody hell is that supposed to protect anyone? And do it in Iran and you'll more than likely lose it as a result.
That is one example of a more obvious harmless law to break, and there are millions of others if I bothered to count around the world. Bollocks to them, and if they made theft legal tomorrow I still wouldn't do it. Common sense is far more useful than laws, as those who break them still do, they just risk punishment. Unless like Malaysia or Thailand where you could be executed for most crimes they will continue to do so. Human nature. Like any laws. Remove Britain's speed limits for a week and everyone will nearly all drive at the safe speed for the conditions. Make murder legal and very few people would kill someone as a result. Anyone who is evil or crazy enough to kill isn't going to need permission before they shoot their wife or mother in law. The penalty for murder has always been severe and the people who commit it either so unstable they wanted one person dead and never again or are evil career criminals who put no value on human life. Laws have no effect on either, and I suggest morals will rule a country better from the few I mention educating the many so the ones with brains to think will choose not to hurt others, rather than not in case they are punished. And if you put all the career criminals on a few islands as they did with Australia, there'd be no one else to rob or attack and they'd be free but unable to do what they did before and have little choice but learn other ways to keep busy. It made Australia what it is, apparently a hotter and larger version of Essex, but far more civilised than many places and not full of criminals.
Thursday, May 11, 2006
Thursday, 6.35
Big Brother's back next Friday! Just had to say that, it's my second life and no apologies. I'll try and keep it off my blog though.
Well I'm fine at the moment, despite little sleep and nothing at all besides the weather and some work completed to contribute to it. But the details aren't important if I'm OK. Mind you, the only reason I'm here now is the garden shears I was just about to cut the hedge with are not where they should be (there is a box where I keep my main garden tools) or anywhere else. Plus the seccateurs I brought in to use in the front and left indoors are no longer there either. I may have to have a few words with someone soon as it's easy enough to lose my own things without help from anyone else.
So besides warm weather and an unplanned inability to do any gardening besides cutting the bloody lawn yet again I have nothing to report. The person with the cheap car never called and if I can't find their number I also lost by the weekend I'll be buying choice 2 (expensive but good value) if it's still for sale. At least it has half the mileage and looks new, I'll just accept spending the money as it's been over 7 years since I bought the last one.
Otherwise I am carrying the camera if I go anywhere I may use it, and post the results here now flickr is full, which is a shame as I'd joined a bunch of groups and even though more than a few signs on the A406 to Neasden, Hendon or Wembley are overkill I'd like the option to add if I see anything else.
Besides less and less hidden messages to women here (now discontinued before I make a post into a proposal document, which is very tempting, not original, but could cause someone a heart attack if she read it). But in a way even though I can never know until it happens, it's only a natural need to be paired off, and would even have someone to help me look for lost garden tools, let alone make the tea occasionally. I also have to ration weblinks I send people now as sooner or later I write about them and realise it may bugger up my plans by revealing them here in advance. All I'll say is I'm waiting for my 5% chance to arrive here for a visit, and will be as direct with her as I've been indirect with the last few as being subtle has led to my intentions being totally overlooked so may as well go for it now.
Just back after strimming the back garden, and the neighbour tells me her shears have also gone (though as left outside was hardly a surprise), so it seems both articles of mine are gone, plus the spare shears I don't even know where they were to be taken may be as well. All I need. Other than that very little to report. I am waiting to hear how accurate my email psychic reading was on Monday, and am resigned to hearing no more news from my friend abroad whatever had been planned to say. I still have to decide if and what to take from the blog to make into a book of sorts, as it's easily long enough and has enough ideas in it. But the ideas recently have been losing things, and the list is growing. I can't even find the number of the woman with the car, and am tempted to drop that issue and go for the better one. But it still won't answer where my:
Large artist's pad, two plastic footballers, garden shears, seccateurs, tarot cards, cassette of jazz, and my mini rucksack I took to the gym have gone. Half are definitely stolen, but the others defy logic. And why pinch such rubbishy things anyway? No one would give me more than a few pounds for the whole lot, and they left the good stuff. Stupid as well as crooked clearly, but damned annoying as well.
Well I'm fine at the moment, despite little sleep and nothing at all besides the weather and some work completed to contribute to it. But the details aren't important if I'm OK. Mind you, the only reason I'm here now is the garden shears I was just about to cut the hedge with are not where they should be (there is a box where I keep my main garden tools) or anywhere else. Plus the seccateurs I brought in to use in the front and left indoors are no longer there either. I may have to have a few words with someone soon as it's easy enough to lose my own things without help from anyone else.
So besides warm weather and an unplanned inability to do any gardening besides cutting the bloody lawn yet again I have nothing to report. The person with the cheap car never called and if I can't find their number I also lost by the weekend I'll be buying choice 2 (expensive but good value) if it's still for sale. At least it has half the mileage and looks new, I'll just accept spending the money as it's been over 7 years since I bought the last one.
Otherwise I am carrying the camera if I go anywhere I may use it, and post the results here now flickr is full, which is a shame as I'd joined a bunch of groups and even though more than a few signs on the A406 to Neasden, Hendon or Wembley are overkill I'd like the option to add if I see anything else.
Besides less and less hidden messages to women here (now discontinued before I make a post into a proposal document, which is very tempting, not original, but could cause someone a heart attack if she read it). But in a way even though I can never know until it happens, it's only a natural need to be paired off, and would even have someone to help me look for lost garden tools, let alone make the tea occasionally. I also have to ration weblinks I send people now as sooner or later I write about them and realise it may bugger up my plans by revealing them here in advance. All I'll say is I'm waiting for my 5% chance to arrive here for a visit, and will be as direct with her as I've been indirect with the last few as being subtle has led to my intentions being totally overlooked so may as well go for it now.
Just back after strimming the back garden, and the neighbour tells me her shears have also gone (though as left outside was hardly a surprise), so it seems both articles of mine are gone, plus the spare shears I don't even know where they were to be taken may be as well. All I need. Other than that very little to report. I am waiting to hear how accurate my email psychic reading was on Monday, and am resigned to hearing no more news from my friend abroad whatever had been planned to say. I still have to decide if and what to take from the blog to make into a book of sorts, as it's easily long enough and has enough ideas in it. But the ideas recently have been losing things, and the list is growing. I can't even find the number of the woman with the car, and am tempted to drop that issue and go for the better one. But it still won't answer where my:
Large artist's pad, two plastic footballers, garden shears, seccateurs, tarot cards, cassette of jazz, and my mini rucksack I took to the gym have gone. Half are definitely stolen, but the others defy logic. And why pinch such rubbishy things anyway? No one would give me more than a few pounds for the whole lot, and they left the good stuff. Stupid as well as crooked clearly, but damned annoying as well.
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Did I go too far?
I often wonder when I've overstepped the mark but besides editing a portion of earlier entries to protect the innocent, rather than myself, I can only say what's happening, and stick to the rule if it's nice, say it. Like spreading warm sunlight across the net, why not say what you want however embarrassed most people get receiving compliments.
OK, I may well have sent someone yet another hidden message yesterday, and it is the last one. You can only say so much before it's gone far enough, and as telepathy isn't that well developed using the blog to communicate isn't such a silly idea, provided someone actually reads it.
I've also just got to clarify a query from yesterday. When I said a woman would need to be local or prepared to move here, I wasn't being a fascist. I'd live anywhere south of London as far as Cornwall actually but some people just like to live anywhere and I don't, so there'd be no point someone abroad wanting to stay there. Long distance meetings are fraught with their own problems anyway so best avoided if given a choice. Been there, done that, got the burns.
If they have I'm expecting a reaction, if not then it was just a little more entertainment for my readers (I hope) knowing I have a collection of potential targets. Generally after spending a lifetime doing things the hard way why not find short cuts to success, and if two people are prepared to take a risk living together on barely any evidence, why not? What will it mean in practice? You're never alone, have the adventure of getting to know someone, and of course have the physical contact that is better than any other form of healing with the right person. At certain times I have to slip into 'professional mode', as there is a difference when speaking of your own profession with the theorising of a journalist. I have many hours of study behind me in healing, energy work and psychic development complete with certificates. I know from practice which are definitely real and probably why as well. Ultimately all energy which is good is sexual. It has a signature we all know, and anyone who wants to learn just get a basic book on tantra to find out.
You can't cure physical illnesses with it as it's not surgery, but is the best thing to make you feel good. Your energy is called kundalini, and the rest is Chi in the eastern traditions.
Besides that little lecture, there is more lack of communication in my life. After saying they aren't coming back to England my friend in America said he'd give me the details on May the 2nd. He has never given me the date before, and a week later hasn't stuck to it either. Now of course getting the bottom line already it's purely curiosity value knowing why, but closure is always good. I don't expect to hear now as I see a conspiracy in the offing (enough said) and have had to let that one go.
Blogger is clearly having work done today, it was down for 2 hours and now I only have basic entry, but if anyone I know is reading get on the phone (and tell me off if necessary), but let me know! Mysteries are for TV, not Kingsbury!
OK, I may well have sent someone yet another hidden message yesterday, and it is the last one. You can only say so much before it's gone far enough, and as telepathy isn't that well developed using the blog to communicate isn't such a silly idea, provided someone actually reads it.
I've also just got to clarify a query from yesterday. When I said a woman would need to be local or prepared to move here, I wasn't being a fascist. I'd live anywhere south of London as far as Cornwall actually but some people just like to live anywhere and I don't, so there'd be no point someone abroad wanting to stay there. Long distance meetings are fraught with their own problems anyway so best avoided if given a choice. Been there, done that, got the burns.
If they have I'm expecting a reaction, if not then it was just a little more entertainment for my readers (I hope) knowing I have a collection of potential targets. Generally after spending a lifetime doing things the hard way why not find short cuts to success, and if two people are prepared to take a risk living together on barely any evidence, why not? What will it mean in practice? You're never alone, have the adventure of getting to know someone, and of course have the physical contact that is better than any other form of healing with the right person. At certain times I have to slip into 'professional mode', as there is a difference when speaking of your own profession with the theorising of a journalist. I have many hours of study behind me in healing, energy work and psychic development complete with certificates. I know from practice which are definitely real and probably why as well. Ultimately all energy which is good is sexual. It has a signature we all know, and anyone who wants to learn just get a basic book on tantra to find out.
You can't cure physical illnesses with it as it's not surgery, but is the best thing to make you feel good. Your energy is called kundalini, and the rest is Chi in the eastern traditions.
Besides that little lecture, there is more lack of communication in my life. After saying they aren't coming back to England my friend in America said he'd give me the details on May the 2nd. He has never given me the date before, and a week later hasn't stuck to it either. Now of course getting the bottom line already it's purely curiosity value knowing why, but closure is always good. I don't expect to hear now as I see a conspiracy in the offing (enough said) and have had to let that one go.
Blogger is clearly having work done today, it was down for 2 hours and now I only have basic entry, but if anyone I know is reading get on the phone (and tell me off if necessary), but let me know! Mysteries are for TV, not Kingsbury!
Arrange my marriage!
Having worked for someone with a very successful arranged marriage, I learnt from him how they usually work. They aren't forced on anyone or random, but certainly for Hindus and orthodox Jews mean someone fairly suitable is chosen, and you are introduced and then decide yes or no, a bit like a speed date but with more riding on the decision if you get the 'double-tick'.
Anyone old enough to be desperate will usually have had enough experience to know what suits them more or less, and in my case if someone passed the test physically and wasn't bossy would get the nod.
Boring is no longer a consideration, for a number of reasons. People who are boring are more lacking good qualities than having bad. If someone's heart is in the right place, though I admit boring is a last resort, it isn't any longer a terminal quality though the conversation is bound to be pretty limited.
I used to have an 'attempted girlfriend', who saw me as much as a real one (a lot more actually) but said she was only a friend and any rare benefits I got were a literal miracle considering. I was thoroughly fed up being with her but as she was at the time the best looking woman I'd ever met I was happy just looking and occasionally touching (very limited). Of course the silences were far from ideal, and being out with her meant I was more or less on my own as she could go into a staring trance for hours at a stretch. Apparently she liked looking at people and besides her have only seen cats stare into space like they'd had their batteries removed. She was both extremes, physically the best and conversationally the worst, but she is a lovely person (I still see her when I go near where she lives) and has no bad qualities. She never (OK, maybe once) asked me to go anywhere specific (I went wherever she wanted anyway as I only wanted to be with her regardless of where) and certainly wouldn't have reacted if I hadn't wanted to go. It wasn't her nature. It was possibly the closest I could describe of a cat that met a fairy and granted it a wish to become human. I cracked the boring aspect after 2 years of seeing her on and off and realised her other qualities were worth pursuing as a serious prospect, but she was having none of it.
Ideally there could be a single agency for anyone who didn't want to waste time hoping someone would turn up, and was prepared to commit on a single meeting. I know a few who did this and did very well many years later so it isn't that odd, just 'not British'. Well it should be. If there was a list online with photos, a quick CV, and would they move for the right person, I could look for the best combination in about 3 hours (less now I've got broadband actually) and out of maybe ten ticks at least one should tick me.
Then we'd meet once, and having only joined the list as we wanted to get married based on this data alone, do another tick/cross and as soon as this procedure ended in a tick/tick we'd be engaged. I'd give it maybe two weeks average to go through this whole lot assuming each person could get to London quickly.
There are, now someone forced me to learn my own few priorities, about 100 women I know who I'd be happy to be married to, all different but having the right qualities in common. Some I don't know where they are any more, some were single when I met them but have since married, and no doubt a few would have hidden mines buried deeply which would only explode after it was too late to pull out, but that is the same in any marriage as most people do their best to cover their faults. If I could I'd publish this list in a major newspaper in case any were looking themselves, they may not all be hostile and though most I know would now be too old to have children that is a bonus I won't take for granted as essential. I can say how many would be called Fiona on the list equals the number I mentioned the other day, though the one with the verbal problem (ie continual supply, ratchet delivery and 90% rubbish) could be a borderline, but as she's been married for ages would hardly qualify. I actually met her just before she got married and she was with a boyfriend (bear in mind she was from an intellectual family with a Jewish father from a nice part of suburbia) who looked like he'd just been released from a long term hospital stay, been living on the streets and probably had a major drug habit, and were sitting in the coffee bar in Hampstead discussing marriage, did make me wonder how women choose what they want. I had a similar background, qualifications and put up with her crap for a couple of years hoping it may lead to more and she (and most others I failed with) would prefer drug addicts, mental patients (I've never been in mental hospital thank you), criminals and basically society's real failures than me shows how a woman's physically turned on by a danger factor than a decent factor.
I know when I had to wear serious David Bowie makeup to get into Camden Passage I got plenty of looks, and when I bleached my hair women at the same club I'd been to for years came up and talked to me for the first time since I'd started. So if I bleached what hair I've got, painted on some major tattoos for the possible forthcoming summer (to be washed off asap), revived my old studded leather jacket, swore a bit and acted generally rude I'd probably get more repeat blind dates in a month than in the rest of my life. What a dismal picture it paints of life. Technically I doubt I'd want a woman for more than casual sex who was attracted to all that as people are judged by their choice of friends pretty accurately, and anyone interested in scum can't be right themselves.
Anyway, back to the marriage business. I'd like kids if possible as well, and before I'm 60 (well 50 but I can't see that happening), and though I know single women between 30 and 50 without psychiatric records are as rare as off-peak buses but that's an even better reason for organising it. Dating sites are a start, but having become an unfortunate insider on them besides providing meetings still have imbalances between what people are looking for, and many are only messing around and would never want a husband even if they found someone suitable. A marriage only list would narrow it down, and I doubt I'm alone in being prepared to marry on a one check and one meet basis. It's what people often used to do, and many still do and if it works for them it can work for anyone who wants to try it. Somewhere a woman who would like me if she met me is thinking exactly the same thing, and without a go-between there's no way we'd ever get together. One single list for the whole country would stop people being spread across different lists, and if a charity would be perfectly viable. If I started it I'd also become famous, but maybe I'm slightly past the 'practical' stage of such projects. It's a cracking idea and there are plenty of perfectly adequate others free to pick up the idea for me, I'm not interested in taking credit, it's something we just need.
Anyone old enough to be desperate will usually have had enough experience to know what suits them more or less, and in my case if someone passed the test physically and wasn't bossy would get the nod.
Boring is no longer a consideration, for a number of reasons. People who are boring are more lacking good qualities than having bad. If someone's heart is in the right place, though I admit boring is a last resort, it isn't any longer a terminal quality though the conversation is bound to be pretty limited.
I used to have an 'attempted girlfriend', who saw me as much as a real one (a lot more actually) but said she was only a friend and any rare benefits I got were a literal miracle considering. I was thoroughly fed up being with her but as she was at the time the best looking woman I'd ever met I was happy just looking and occasionally touching (very limited). Of course the silences were far from ideal, and being out with her meant I was more or less on my own as she could go into a staring trance for hours at a stretch. Apparently she liked looking at people and besides her have only seen cats stare into space like they'd had their batteries removed. She was both extremes, physically the best and conversationally the worst, but she is a lovely person (I still see her when I go near where she lives) and has no bad qualities. She never (OK, maybe once) asked me to go anywhere specific (I went wherever she wanted anyway as I only wanted to be with her regardless of where) and certainly wouldn't have reacted if I hadn't wanted to go. It wasn't her nature. It was possibly the closest I could describe of a cat that met a fairy and granted it a wish to become human. I cracked the boring aspect after 2 years of seeing her on and off and realised her other qualities were worth pursuing as a serious prospect, but she was having none of it.
Ideally there could be a single agency for anyone who didn't want to waste time hoping someone would turn up, and was prepared to commit on a single meeting. I know a few who did this and did very well many years later so it isn't that odd, just 'not British'. Well it should be. If there was a list online with photos, a quick CV, and would they move for the right person, I could look for the best combination in about 3 hours (less now I've got broadband actually) and out of maybe ten ticks at least one should tick me.
Then we'd meet once, and having only joined the list as we wanted to get married based on this data alone, do another tick/cross and as soon as this procedure ended in a tick/tick we'd be engaged. I'd give it maybe two weeks average to go through this whole lot assuming each person could get to London quickly.
There are, now someone forced me to learn my own few priorities, about 100 women I know who I'd be happy to be married to, all different but having the right qualities in common. Some I don't know where they are any more, some were single when I met them but have since married, and no doubt a few would have hidden mines buried deeply which would only explode after it was too late to pull out, but that is the same in any marriage as most people do their best to cover their faults. If I could I'd publish this list in a major newspaper in case any were looking themselves, they may not all be hostile and though most I know would now be too old to have children that is a bonus I won't take for granted as essential. I can say how many would be called Fiona on the list equals the number I mentioned the other day, though the one with the verbal problem (ie continual supply, ratchet delivery and 90% rubbish) could be a borderline, but as she's been married for ages would hardly qualify. I actually met her just before she got married and she was with a boyfriend (bear in mind she was from an intellectual family with a Jewish father from a nice part of suburbia) who looked like he'd just been released from a long term hospital stay, been living on the streets and probably had a major drug habit, and were sitting in the coffee bar in Hampstead discussing marriage, did make me wonder how women choose what they want. I had a similar background, qualifications and put up with her crap for a couple of years hoping it may lead to more and she (and most others I failed with) would prefer drug addicts, mental patients (I've never been in mental hospital thank you), criminals and basically society's real failures than me shows how a woman's physically turned on by a danger factor than a decent factor.
I know when I had to wear serious David Bowie makeup to get into Camden Passage I got plenty of looks, and when I bleached my hair women at the same club I'd been to for years came up and talked to me for the first time since I'd started. So if I bleached what hair I've got, painted on some major tattoos for the possible forthcoming summer (to be washed off asap), revived my old studded leather jacket, swore a bit and acted generally rude I'd probably get more repeat blind dates in a month than in the rest of my life. What a dismal picture it paints of life. Technically I doubt I'd want a woman for more than casual sex who was attracted to all that as people are judged by their choice of friends pretty accurately, and anyone interested in scum can't be right themselves.
Anyway, back to the marriage business. I'd like kids if possible as well, and before I'm 60 (well 50 but I can't see that happening), and though I know single women between 30 and 50 without psychiatric records are as rare as off-peak buses but that's an even better reason for organising it. Dating sites are a start, but having become an unfortunate insider on them besides providing meetings still have imbalances between what people are looking for, and many are only messing around and would never want a husband even if they found someone suitable. A marriage only list would narrow it down, and I doubt I'm alone in being prepared to marry on a one check and one meet basis. It's what people often used to do, and many still do and if it works for them it can work for anyone who wants to try it. Somewhere a woman who would like me if she met me is thinking exactly the same thing, and without a go-between there's no way we'd ever get together. One single list for the whole country would stop people being spread across different lists, and if a charity would be perfectly viable. If I started it I'd also become famous, but maybe I'm slightly past the 'practical' stage of such projects. It's a cracking idea and there are plenty of perfectly adequate others free to pick up the idea for me, I'm not interested in taking credit, it's something we just need.
Sunday, May 07, 2006
Accepting reality
Vacuum
Yes, the activity has been hovered from my life at the moment. If I wasn’t so tired (4am bedtimes I expect) I’d live with it, but I know I’ve probably got limits if I’m going to think of anything new to keep me busy.
I’ve run out of ideas, and with no family to keep me occupied and talk to I’m in an open prison of a life, in solitary confinement. So I can only go with the flow, and the first idea that came to me is simply to edit all the philosophy type entries from here into a book. Of course I can’t imagine anyone publishing it, and am aware of selling self published work before, but will just print one off on paper and see what people think of it. Otherwise, although I have cleared all my major 2006 tasks (there are regular ones I have to do plus the extra dental ones which crop up from time to time) there’s little left besides waiting for good weather and doing the garden.
I suppose it’ll shift sooner or later, as long as more of the crap from the past doesn’t come back again. I’ve currently got two new cars on the horizon, an old cheap one I’d prefer but not yet available, and a newer one I may not wait to be sold to someone else if the other one doesn’t materialise. I’ve had the other one for well over 7 years and should be collected within a few weeks by its new owner. I need something else first and as long as I get either of these two I’ve already seen I’ll be OK.
One mystery to me is why more people who live alone don’t pair up simply for convenience. Few I know like it, and the sort of house two could buy would easily be better for two than each one now is for one. Two of my house’s value, for instance, could just manage a 4 bedroom house in Temple Fortune, which is extremely civilized, dare I say it extremely Jewish, and where I used to work. It’s half a mile from my first choice millionaire type area, and probably see many old faces from school if I hang around there again as I sometimes do shopping there.
Another few hundred thousand and I’d be back in the old place of course, but don’t know anyone with that sort of cash tied up where they live now. One thing I did realise is the biggest problem in relationships is wanting the other to change. This can be extended now into my own life, expecting any aspect to improve as each actually means someone would have to change. So as only my grandma would want me living with her (no cat, and 24 hour surveillance) I continue to live alone.
I certainly didn’t write a blog to complain. I just report what is, and at the moment there’s little to be interested in. You can’t keep doing the same things on your own for ever without running out of material eventually. I can’t find anywhere different walking locally, take pictures of places left I haven’t chosen already (I’ve already got the definitive book about Golders Green, though it’s black and white), I’m already writing fit to bust, apart from my international connection can keep painting but unlikely to sell anything in a gallery, and if meditation worked the way it does for some I know I’d just do that and not give a damn about what else is happening.
People aside (as that’s not in my control) I’d like to be paid to write, so by sitting at home for hours with the radio on and coffee on the go, being paid around £100 a day for waffling on paper is the first solution I’d like. Then I could draw a clear line between work and free time, and no longer feel guilty for having dead time on my hands having not earned it by working first. Then I’d be able to compress my internet time to when I was free, and walk and watch TV as well as the housework in between. Anyone visiting is always a bonus, and there’s not a single one I can rely on to visit regularly, while the one I went to see is 5000 miles away now.
So, I’ve had to accept nothing will change outside as other people choose the way things are that suits them, not me, so I can only do what I can within my own limits. The only real difference from now is I’ve got to believe this is how it is, and I won’t get any rescue from the natural or supernatural. That is the true reality, no angels, fairies, guides or any other little helpers. They don’t exist. As for God people have looked for God since the concept was first invented, and are no closer now than they were on the first day. God has been in my girlfriends and prospective girlfriends. Anything else is of this world and pretty ordinary. I have to have the odd dream of better places to experience any more, and that’s it. It’s taken me over a year of putting it all down in writing to come to this conclusion, and have had to return to the fold of realists, and put all imaginary hope in the bin where it always should have been. If I want anything material I’ll have to earn it, anything else and forget it.
I have control over a few things, but they can never directly improve my life, and often new directions can even make it worse. I haven’t missed any doors, I do as much as anyone with my level of health can do, and that’s it. No miracles, phenomenal efforts or rescuers. Just what is, exactly as it seems. No hidden dimensions or activities going on behind the scenes.
I can’t wake up tomorrow and find Ken Livingstone (our Soviet-style mayor) out of the job, a new house, my friends are on their way home to England, UFOs have landed, I’ve got a £50,000 book deal, an old girlfriend has tracked me down, my lost hair is returning, I can see auras, I’ll have an income for life, sport will be back on BBC, someone will start making old Morris cars again, the person (or persons) I hint to sometimes here will pick them up and accept them, and I’ll be put in a situation where I’m not always on my own at home.
Plus there’s not a fucking thing on earth I can do about making any of these happen (besides working like the person I’m not for the material ones) as they all rely on wanting other people to change. From the particular to the general isn’t normally accurate, but the principle usually applied to individuals is exactly how I saw the world in the large scale. It’s free will and I can’t direct it for others, end of.
Yes, the activity has been hovered from my life at the moment. If I wasn’t so tired (4am bedtimes I expect) I’d live with it, but I know I’ve probably got limits if I’m going to think of anything new to keep me busy.
I’ve run out of ideas, and with no family to keep me occupied and talk to I’m in an open prison of a life, in solitary confinement. So I can only go with the flow, and the first idea that came to me is simply to edit all the philosophy type entries from here into a book. Of course I can’t imagine anyone publishing it, and am aware of selling self published work before, but will just print one off on paper and see what people think of it. Otherwise, although I have cleared all my major 2006 tasks (there are regular ones I have to do plus the extra dental ones which crop up from time to time) there’s little left besides waiting for good weather and doing the garden.
I suppose it’ll shift sooner or later, as long as more of the crap from the past doesn’t come back again. I’ve currently got two new cars on the horizon, an old cheap one I’d prefer but not yet available, and a newer one I may not wait to be sold to someone else if the other one doesn’t materialise. I’ve had the other one for well over 7 years and should be collected within a few weeks by its new owner. I need something else first and as long as I get either of these two I’ve already seen I’ll be OK.
One mystery to me is why more people who live alone don’t pair up simply for convenience. Few I know like it, and the sort of house two could buy would easily be better for two than each one now is for one. Two of my house’s value, for instance, could just manage a 4 bedroom house in Temple Fortune, which is extremely civilized, dare I say it extremely Jewish, and where I used to work. It’s half a mile from my first choice millionaire type area, and probably see many old faces from school if I hang around there again as I sometimes do shopping there.
Another few hundred thousand and I’d be back in the old place of course, but don’t know anyone with that sort of cash tied up where they live now. One thing I did realise is the biggest problem in relationships is wanting the other to change. This can be extended now into my own life, expecting any aspect to improve as each actually means someone would have to change. So as only my grandma would want me living with her (no cat, and 24 hour surveillance) I continue to live alone.
I certainly didn’t write a blog to complain. I just report what is, and at the moment there’s little to be interested in. You can’t keep doing the same things on your own for ever without running out of material eventually. I can’t find anywhere different walking locally, take pictures of places left I haven’t chosen already (I’ve already got the definitive book about Golders Green, though it’s black and white), I’m already writing fit to bust, apart from my international connection can keep painting but unlikely to sell anything in a gallery, and if meditation worked the way it does for some I know I’d just do that and not give a damn about what else is happening.
People aside (as that’s not in my control) I’d like to be paid to write, so by sitting at home for hours with the radio on and coffee on the go, being paid around £100 a day for waffling on paper is the first solution I’d like. Then I could draw a clear line between work and free time, and no longer feel guilty for having dead time on my hands having not earned it by working first. Then I’d be able to compress my internet time to when I was free, and walk and watch TV as well as the housework in between. Anyone visiting is always a bonus, and there’s not a single one I can rely on to visit regularly, while the one I went to see is 5000 miles away now.
So, I’ve had to accept nothing will change outside as other people choose the way things are that suits them, not me, so I can only do what I can within my own limits. The only real difference from now is I’ve got to believe this is how it is, and I won’t get any rescue from the natural or supernatural. That is the true reality, no angels, fairies, guides or any other little helpers. They don’t exist. As for God people have looked for God since the concept was first invented, and are no closer now than they were on the first day. God has been in my girlfriends and prospective girlfriends. Anything else is of this world and pretty ordinary. I have to have the odd dream of better places to experience any more, and that’s it. It’s taken me over a year of putting it all down in writing to come to this conclusion, and have had to return to the fold of realists, and put all imaginary hope in the bin where it always should have been. If I want anything material I’ll have to earn it, anything else and forget it.
I have control over a few things, but they can never directly improve my life, and often new directions can even make it worse. I haven’t missed any doors, I do as much as anyone with my level of health can do, and that’s it. No miracles, phenomenal efforts or rescuers. Just what is, exactly as it seems. No hidden dimensions or activities going on behind the scenes.
I can’t wake up tomorrow and find Ken Livingstone (our Soviet-style mayor) out of the job, a new house, my friends are on their way home to England, UFOs have landed, I’ve got a £50,000 book deal, an old girlfriend has tracked me down, my lost hair is returning, I can see auras, I’ll have an income for life, sport will be back on BBC, someone will start making old Morris cars again, the person (or persons) I hint to sometimes here will pick them up and accept them, and I’ll be put in a situation where I’m not always on my own at home.
Plus there’s not a fucking thing on earth I can do about making any of these happen (besides working like the person I’m not for the material ones) as they all rely on wanting other people to change. From the particular to the general isn’t normally accurate, but the principle usually applied to individuals is exactly how I saw the world in the large scale. It’s free will and I can’t direct it for others, end of.
Saturday, May 06, 2006
Two ways
Yes, I am aware there are always two ways to look at anything, positive and negative. It isn't easy to switch, I only know as both I've seen a similar situation in both ways at different times, and see others handle all sorts of shit with a smile that would finish me off.
Going beyond to the spirit level, that isn't so vague. It either exists or not, and whatever people read into life which may or not be there, ultimately it either is or isn't. Whatever we feel about life, there is either a spirit component or there isn't, and it's hidden to nearly all of us. So though I know using ancient practices I have become aware of both higher senses and feelings there's nothing that isn't just an extended version of what I already can do. Mind you, that energy does travel anywhere as well, so it can be transmitted and used to heal as well, but that's still science. We don't need spirits or their dimension for any of what I've seen and done.
Karma, lessons and the like are all part of the spirit side, as they must fix everything while we live normally thinking it's all random. The coincidences imply it isn't random, and are the only bridge I have possibly linking us to a higher level, and this is many other religion's view of God, mainly the Indian versions.
I go over old ground but hopefully in more organised ways each time, as I try and clarify everything in front of me. For instance:
I realised I wasn't agoraphobic in the past- why? Because I first saw it on TV and noticed the degree was different, and then did get it. I'd assumed my limited quota of areas I avoided meant I had it, but turned out it was a trapped feeling, which is claustrophobia. So it meant I'd judged myself for years because there were a few things I avoided when in fact agoraphobics would have avoided nearly all of them. Had I been explained at the time by anyone who knew I wouldn't have got mixed up, but unfortunately I now have to recover from the real thing.
It's a long pattern in my life I took things for granted until they were gone. As far as I know none ever returned. I let a few girlfriends go (as most people have done of both sexes) not realising their true qualities till it was too late to get them back, twice in one example!
As I loved where I lived till I was 5 I objected to moving, and after a few years away from that house some 30 years later I realised it was where I should be again, and now it's for sale at a price both my kidneys, all my sperm and every penny I could borrow would still leave me £300,000 short. What a bugger.
But the plus side (what this post is all about) was when I was agoraphobic I was stuck at home on my own most of the time. I got my pad out and painted, making about 8 pictures, each worth exhibiting and one actually sold. I wrote for England, though as yet not all has been published due to a magazine never making it. I took another postal course, repainted much of the house outside, and at least where I could go anywhere took some lovely photos (my opinion at least!) with my new camera. I didn't waste a minute being in instead of out, and actually created far more from having to be in than I would if I'd carried on messing around as I did before. OK, I had to suffer, but that seems to be an element that is the rogue one of the equations, and which keeps telling me there is a fault in any view of a higher power as it's far too flawed for my view.
At least I just heard my local football team, Barnet, stayed up just now, as I wasn't up to going in their first season back after a few years out. Now I hope I will as soon as they start the friendlies in July.
Otherwise life will rarely mirror anyone's wishes as it's the old story of wanting other people to change. So my friend in America didn't email with his plans, though I have a woman possibly in my sights again but such early stages I can only say it's still 'alive' but the odds are long for a 'finish'. I've more or less run out of any apparent experts to convince me of the spiritual side, I've quizzed some of the greats, but with Uri Geller saying he may now not be genuine maybe now the whole lot will fall down now he's gone dubious.
No meditation yet, though I have been busy I may start now as that's all I know that may offer a decent route to better things.
Finally after seeing something on TV (I think) yesterday about communicating to women, I realised I can't lose a lot if I tell women I know how I feel if nothing else is happening. In fact my cryptic messages here were aimed at that end, but assuming women enjoy a chase never thought saving them any doubt would work except for a rare minority. But time's passing and that route hasn't worked either as they could either tell by my actions or buggered off before I could even have a proper go. So the next couple of opportunities have the direct approach set up, at least I won't be left in any doubt or hanging around for an answer.
But meanwhile as it's raining in Kingsbury and there's little else to do I am in the one place I can rely on, when the modem doesn't break down anyway.
Going beyond to the spirit level, that isn't so vague. It either exists or not, and whatever people read into life which may or not be there, ultimately it either is or isn't. Whatever we feel about life, there is either a spirit component or there isn't, and it's hidden to nearly all of us. So though I know using ancient practices I have become aware of both higher senses and feelings there's nothing that isn't just an extended version of what I already can do. Mind you, that energy does travel anywhere as well, so it can be transmitted and used to heal as well, but that's still science. We don't need spirits or their dimension for any of what I've seen and done.
Karma, lessons and the like are all part of the spirit side, as they must fix everything while we live normally thinking it's all random. The coincidences imply it isn't random, and are the only bridge I have possibly linking us to a higher level, and this is many other religion's view of God, mainly the Indian versions.
I go over old ground but hopefully in more organised ways each time, as I try and clarify everything in front of me. For instance:
I realised I wasn't agoraphobic in the past- why? Because I first saw it on TV and noticed the degree was different, and then did get it. I'd assumed my limited quota of areas I avoided meant I had it, but turned out it was a trapped feeling, which is claustrophobia. So it meant I'd judged myself for years because there were a few things I avoided when in fact agoraphobics would have avoided nearly all of them. Had I been explained at the time by anyone who knew I wouldn't have got mixed up, but unfortunately I now have to recover from the real thing.
It's a long pattern in my life I took things for granted until they were gone. As far as I know none ever returned. I let a few girlfriends go (as most people have done of both sexes) not realising their true qualities till it was too late to get them back, twice in one example!
As I loved where I lived till I was 5 I objected to moving, and after a few years away from that house some 30 years later I realised it was where I should be again, and now it's for sale at a price both my kidneys, all my sperm and every penny I could borrow would still leave me £300,000 short. What a bugger.
But the plus side (what this post is all about) was when I was agoraphobic I was stuck at home on my own most of the time. I got my pad out and painted, making about 8 pictures, each worth exhibiting and one actually sold. I wrote for England, though as yet not all has been published due to a magazine never making it. I took another postal course, repainted much of the house outside, and at least where I could go anywhere took some lovely photos (my opinion at least!) with my new camera. I didn't waste a minute being in instead of out, and actually created far more from having to be in than I would if I'd carried on messing around as I did before. OK, I had to suffer, but that seems to be an element that is the rogue one of the equations, and which keeps telling me there is a fault in any view of a higher power as it's far too flawed for my view.
At least I just heard my local football team, Barnet, stayed up just now, as I wasn't up to going in their first season back after a few years out. Now I hope I will as soon as they start the friendlies in July.
Otherwise life will rarely mirror anyone's wishes as it's the old story of wanting other people to change. So my friend in America didn't email with his plans, though I have a woman possibly in my sights again but such early stages I can only say it's still 'alive' but the odds are long for a 'finish'. I've more or less run out of any apparent experts to convince me of the spiritual side, I've quizzed some of the greats, but with Uri Geller saying he may now not be genuine maybe now the whole lot will fall down now he's gone dubious.
No meditation yet, though I have been busy I may start now as that's all I know that may offer a decent route to better things.
Finally after seeing something on TV (I think) yesterday about communicating to women, I realised I can't lose a lot if I tell women I know how I feel if nothing else is happening. In fact my cryptic messages here were aimed at that end, but assuming women enjoy a chase never thought saving them any doubt would work except for a rare minority. But time's passing and that route hasn't worked either as they could either tell by my actions or buggered off before I could even have a proper go. So the next couple of opportunities have the direct approach set up, at least I won't be left in any doubt or hanging around for an answer.
But meanwhile as it's raining in Kingsbury and there's little else to do I am in the one place I can rely on, when the modem doesn't break down anyway.
Friday, May 05, 2006
Contrast, brightness, horizontal hold
OK, just contrast, but who remembers the old TVs with all those silly buttons that allowed you to ruin the picture better than anyone ever can now with the remotes. But what I refer to is my week in contrast with my fellow blogger who is showing the first stages of burnout, which, oddly enough, happened to me at the same age.
The other contrast will be the week was so banal I'll use different colours for each item to try and add at least one angle worth looking at. So, a selection of this week, and sorry if you've already read half of it before, how do you think I feel, I was there!
In no particular order I:
Did three miles on the bike for food and assorted shopping
Cut the front lawn, and saw the new next door neighbour's wife for the first time as she came home and totally ignored me.
Weeded the back terrace as you saw, and had tea there on this year's hot day.
Did some filing for my neighbour.
Went for a walk round the park after voting in the local elections, where at least my council is no longer Labour.
Spent an hour on an internet call with a friend in Canada.
Still haven't heard a dicky bird from my friend in the States after telling me he was going to email on Tuesday.
Heard from two people from an Atlantic cruise I went on in 1974 after searching them down on the internet.
Well wasn't that interesting! Apart from intermittent tiredness on a couple of days everything was fine. I don't want any action. I miss not visiting friends (see note above re America) and having a girlfriend, but that has been the majority of my life and nothing new there.
I used to wonder why my dad sat in the garden for 3 months in the summer, and now I'm beginning to get the point. Granted he just sat there, sometimes asleep, while I have a radio and newspaper, and if I was rich enough to go wi-fi with a laptop I'd just sit in the garden doing this as well. The cat knows. If the temperature hits 70 she moves outdoors except for meals. She'd rather be outside but doesn't like the cold. Just like being on holiday and sitting round the pool all day. Maybe we're better off outside if the weather's good, and only spend most of the year inside as it's England. The park was certainly busier than I'd seen it for ages, and if they set up a little library there I could hang around and meet women there, as many of the dog walkers are pretty interesting looking, and if they added a refreshment cart like they have at Teddington Lock as well we'd have a nice little place for all the local unemployed to meet up and relax.
Maybe I've found my next career...
The other contrast will be the week was so banal I'll use different colours for each item to try and add at least one angle worth looking at. So, a selection of this week, and sorry if you've already read half of it before, how do you think I feel, I was there!
In no particular order I:
Did three miles on the bike for food and assorted shopping
Cut the front lawn, and saw the new next door neighbour's wife for the first time as she came home and totally ignored me.
Weeded the back terrace as you saw, and had tea there on this year's hot day.
Did some filing for my neighbour.
Went for a walk round the park after voting in the local elections, where at least my council is no longer Labour.
Spent an hour on an internet call with a friend in Canada.
Still haven't heard a dicky bird from my friend in the States after telling me he was going to email on Tuesday.
Heard from two people from an Atlantic cruise I went on in 1974 after searching them down on the internet.
Well wasn't that interesting! Apart from intermittent tiredness on a couple of days everything was fine. I don't want any action. I miss not visiting friends (see note above re America) and having a girlfriend, but that has been the majority of my life and nothing new there.
I used to wonder why my dad sat in the garden for 3 months in the summer, and now I'm beginning to get the point. Granted he just sat there, sometimes asleep, while I have a radio and newspaper, and if I was rich enough to go wi-fi with a laptop I'd just sit in the garden doing this as well. The cat knows. If the temperature hits 70 she moves outdoors except for meals. She'd rather be outside but doesn't like the cold. Just like being on holiday and sitting round the pool all day. Maybe we're better off outside if the weather's good, and only spend most of the year inside as it's England. The park was certainly busier than I'd seen it for ages, and if they set up a little library there I could hang around and meet women there, as many of the dog walkers are pretty interesting looking, and if they added a refreshment cart like they have at Teddington Lock as well we'd have a nice little place for all the local unemployed to meet up and relax.
Maybe I've found my next career...
Catching up
Inspired by other bloggers at times, I see the 'busy bee' (I'm sure you know who you are but won't name you unless you agree in advance) has become slightly overtaken by circumstances, in that his interminable partying has finally caught up with him. I don't think any age is totally immune to it, just easier to get worn out as the decades add up.
I think anything done to excess, work or play, is going to show its mark sooner or later. I rarely did either, though the only times I did overdo it was always work and related, the most I ever did socially was go to three films in three days when I stayed in Hull (nothing else to do there) and 4 football matches in 5 days a few years ago during the friendlies. I spent 10 years on the social scene mainly to meet girlfriends, and by the 80s was going out about 4 nights a week, not so much because I liked it (though the clubs with games and quizzes were fun) but tolerated discos and the like purely to hook up.
If I actually met someone there was no reason to do that sort of thing (though I did if they wanted to as being able to walk into a dance with someone and know you were set up for the night was more fun than anything else) and nowadays just being with the woman of my choice (having to use very distant memories for that) is all that counts, no need to go anywhere or do anything special as well.
So after a week of constant partying, on top of a job and lots of foreign travel my fellow blogger has begun to falter. I'm 21 years older than him and see echoes of my own past, though caused by a very different mix of activities the results were the same.
One weird thing is the number of friends who are disturbed by my blog. I'm not sure if it's depressing as it certainly isn't psychotic, but it is possible to carry out cognitive therapy on your own by writing it down and you can see the patterns form as if reflected by another person that way. So by emptying the rubbish here it lets some of it go from inside, so I apologise if I leave any readers with nightmares, but it's not intended to do that.
So back to my catching up, I can't personally see a need to be out and about the whole time. If I had a job (I am familiar with that experience) I'd feel even less inclined by now to care what I did when free as being free would be good enough. Being at an age where everyone else almost is spending all their spare time with their wives and children, I'm in the limbo of too old to rock, too young to die. But have no interest in partying thank you very much. My limits have been the odd spiritual lecture and football match and that'll do for me now.
But that is mainly as I'd been there, done that for long enough to have moved on to a new phase.
Create (paint, write and take photos), learn and play more piano and most of all, get on TV. That is my new phase and suits me fine. Unless I meet a woman who still wants to party I'll never lose a thing from this way of life, and am prepared to deal with any rare woman who is interested in me within 50 miles if that is an issue.
Finally I'll say hello to some of my regulars and not so regulars, as I do hear sometimes who's been dropping in. Like the Da Vinci code (so I hear) I do drop in coded messages occasionally, as Jesus said, for those with eyes to see, and I hope they haven't been too obscured the relevant people won't be able to work them out if they spot them. It's only a game, as if I see them I'd come straight out with whatever it is, but do like to see if any of my little hints get picked up or are all totally wasted. So if anyone's seen something that they wondered 'was he talking to me?' then I probably was. And it's only when I have something nice to say, I wouldn't do it otherwise.
Like Rolf Harris says, do you know what it is yet? Any theories please post at comment section!
I think anything done to excess, work or play, is going to show its mark sooner or later. I rarely did either, though the only times I did overdo it was always work and related, the most I ever did socially was go to three films in three days when I stayed in Hull (nothing else to do there) and 4 football matches in 5 days a few years ago during the friendlies. I spent 10 years on the social scene mainly to meet girlfriends, and by the 80s was going out about 4 nights a week, not so much because I liked it (though the clubs with games and quizzes were fun) but tolerated discos and the like purely to hook up.
If I actually met someone there was no reason to do that sort of thing (though I did if they wanted to as being able to walk into a dance with someone and know you were set up for the night was more fun than anything else) and nowadays just being with the woman of my choice (having to use very distant memories for that) is all that counts, no need to go anywhere or do anything special as well.
So after a week of constant partying, on top of a job and lots of foreign travel my fellow blogger has begun to falter. I'm 21 years older than him and see echoes of my own past, though caused by a very different mix of activities the results were the same.
One weird thing is the number of friends who are disturbed by my blog. I'm not sure if it's depressing as it certainly isn't psychotic, but it is possible to carry out cognitive therapy on your own by writing it down and you can see the patterns form as if reflected by another person that way. So by emptying the rubbish here it lets some of it go from inside, so I apologise if I leave any readers with nightmares, but it's not intended to do that.
So back to my catching up, I can't personally see a need to be out and about the whole time. If I had a job (I am familiar with that experience) I'd feel even less inclined by now to care what I did when free as being free would be good enough. Being at an age where everyone else almost is spending all their spare time with their wives and children, I'm in the limbo of too old to rock, too young to die. But have no interest in partying thank you very much. My limits have been the odd spiritual lecture and football match and that'll do for me now.
But that is mainly as I'd been there, done that for long enough to have moved on to a new phase.
Create (paint, write and take photos), learn and play more piano and most of all, get on TV. That is my new phase and suits me fine. Unless I meet a woman who still wants to party I'll never lose a thing from this way of life, and am prepared to deal with any rare woman who is interested in me within 50 miles if that is an issue.
Finally I'll say hello to some of my regulars and not so regulars, as I do hear sometimes who's been dropping in. Like the Da Vinci code (so I hear) I do drop in coded messages occasionally, as Jesus said, for those with eyes to see, and I hope they haven't been too obscured the relevant people won't be able to work them out if they spot them. It's only a game, as if I see them I'd come straight out with whatever it is, but do like to see if any of my little hints get picked up or are all totally wasted. So if anyone's seen something that they wondered 'was he talking to me?' then I probably was. And it's only when I have something nice to say, I wouldn't do it otherwise.
Like Rolf Harris says, do you know what it is yet? Any theories please post at comment section!
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Wallflowers
Now Flickr is full, there'll be some more pictures up here.
The wallflowers have just come full out in my front garden, so here they are at their best.
Summer 2006
Preparing the terrace for tea.
Yes, today, May 4th 2006 is officially 2006's summer. Tomorrow will be average and then it will be cold for the rest of the forseeable future. How they knew on Monday it would be hot (85' in the sun) today is only witchcraft, but I used the opportunity after voting in the local elections (total wate of time here as the reds are out in force, enough said) I walked round the adjoining park and then weeded the back terrace so I could have tea there while the weather allowed.
Tea on the terrace.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Latest picture
Here's my first professional picture, after seeing my work online I was asked to paint a path for a regular visitor here, and this is the finished product. It's a path linking two roads parallel to the one where I used to live.
Updates from my cruising
Following yesterday's report, I can actually update already. When things happen, they tend to very quickly or not at all. As the machine gun approach tends to be more effective than any directed attempt at success the sheer number of messages I sent were the best chance I had of receiving a reply, and have now heard my first proper update in 30 years (besides one phone call) and may be put in touch with a few more names as a result.
Today saw the two appointments I had shifted from Tuesday, so had little time to do much else besides cut the front lawn and get some desperately needed food. It was actually not that cold outside for a change, we've had a month pf arctic fed weather predicted and so far every day has followed that pattern. It wasn't warm today, but wasn't cold, and I expect little change now. Global warming has truly managed to remain totally in the media and far from reality. It's the coldest spring I've ever witnessed and I've got a pretty long memory.
There's absolutely nothing on TV tonight, and the phone calls I should make besides one can wait till tomorrow as they're all cack. So I have myself and a computer for entertainment, and have a pile of emails to send next which will probably get me nowhere but have to be sent just in case. I will say hello to my cousin, however, who I just spoke to across the Atlantic on his birthday. I haven't got any of my own cousins, this is my mother's one so nearer her age, and born in the States, but has been a regular visitor here all my life so know him and get on very well. I have also seen both him and his mother (on separate occasions and very different states) over there. And as I said I'd be sending him my blog link I ought to say hello and welcome to my strange world of trivia and mental twists and turns. But after knowing me even on and off all my life I don't think many will be that much of a surprise to him...
I've finished my first commissioned painting, which blogger refused to display yesterday so I'll try again now. If you can't see it you'll know the fault hasn't been fixed. Now I have some spare time I haven't even imagined what to do with it tomorrow but am happy to have the day off so I can do whatever I feel like. I doubt I'll be bending any cutlery, having an out of body experience, having an old girlfriend round, finding anything I've lost or seeing anyone but it really doesn't matter. I've done all the big stuff already so needn't achieve something just because the time is available to.
I hope I will eventually find two or three people nearby who share the same sort of interests as me, it's really pointless talking about serious philosophy when most people would prefer talking about 'Lost' (TV for people who find 'Desperate housewives' too challenging), Iraq, arguments at work (something that can never happen to me... no work), what their children are doing (ditto) etc etc.
I am personally committed to learning how everything in the world works, and then how to make the best of it. It is literally a minefield of potential dangers, and you can't avoid them as if you bypass the ones you can see you still tread on one you can't. I do it, most people do it, and it's built into the design. As the effects can be devastating and long term (possibly permanent but I won't know that for a while, will I...), my mission is to find the exits. Part of it is finding the gatekeepers, if they exist. These are the rare people, personnified on TV by such savants as Dr Who, who actually know what's going on. Maybe such information doesn't exist, but as I've already learnt some which does I presume there's probably a little more at least which I am determined to learn and exploit.
Otherwise I'm in this war of nature versus human, with no protection besides my house, and of course what's that formula? Safe at home, dangers outside, agoraphobia. Pretty sensible reaction if you ask me. So unless I find some ways to cheat the system and stop the worst elements of the outside and inside (such as depression) from getting me then I'll be exposed fully unless I'm at home or the equivalent. So I have a very good reason to find more answers. The funniest thing is in the past when anyone finds an answer our nature is to share it and help others. No! They don't care!
Having just been analysed as a teacher and communicator by numerology, I then have to face a frustration of if I do ever find a key to an exit I won't be telling anyone the good news. There's no point, as the way it works is the few people who want to know will look themselves. So unless someone asks me I won't be saying a thing. I've learnt that lesson so that's one area where despite wanting to communicate will gain nothing from trying.
But there may be no keys. If not, I'll have to be patient and use the one I have a lot more, which is meditation. If there's really little worth doing alone then I won't be missing anything else if I go back to an hour a day. Of course I used to do twice that at the beginning but I really need results to spend so long out of a day. I know what can happen but it so rarely did it's just not economical to nowadays, especially with the new distraction of 24 hr broadband. But that's my safety net should nothing else turn up and I'll be back on the horse and maybe gain more than I did the last time. But so far I've found nothing that works much or often, so will keep looking.
Today saw the two appointments I had shifted from Tuesday, so had little time to do much else besides cut the front lawn and get some desperately needed food. It was actually not that cold outside for a change, we've had a month pf arctic fed weather predicted and so far every day has followed that pattern. It wasn't warm today, but wasn't cold, and I expect little change now. Global warming has truly managed to remain totally in the media and far from reality. It's the coldest spring I've ever witnessed and I've got a pretty long memory.
There's absolutely nothing on TV tonight, and the phone calls I should make besides one can wait till tomorrow as they're all cack. So I have myself and a computer for entertainment, and have a pile of emails to send next which will probably get me nowhere but have to be sent just in case. I will say hello to my cousin, however, who I just spoke to across the Atlantic on his birthday. I haven't got any of my own cousins, this is my mother's one so nearer her age, and born in the States, but has been a regular visitor here all my life so know him and get on very well. I have also seen both him and his mother (on separate occasions and very different states) over there. And as I said I'd be sending him my blog link I ought to say hello and welcome to my strange world of trivia and mental twists and turns. But after knowing me even on and off all my life I don't think many will be that much of a surprise to him...
I've finished my first commissioned painting, which blogger refused to display yesterday so I'll try again now. If you can't see it you'll know the fault hasn't been fixed. Now I have some spare time I haven't even imagined what to do with it tomorrow but am happy to have the day off so I can do whatever I feel like. I doubt I'll be bending any cutlery, having an out of body experience, having an old girlfriend round, finding anything I've lost or seeing anyone but it really doesn't matter. I've done all the big stuff already so needn't achieve something just because the time is available to.
I hope I will eventually find two or three people nearby who share the same sort of interests as me, it's really pointless talking about serious philosophy when most people would prefer talking about 'Lost' (TV for people who find 'Desperate housewives' too challenging), Iraq, arguments at work (something that can never happen to me... no work), what their children are doing (ditto) etc etc.
I am personally committed to learning how everything in the world works, and then how to make the best of it. It is literally a minefield of potential dangers, and you can't avoid them as if you bypass the ones you can see you still tread on one you can't. I do it, most people do it, and it's built into the design. As the effects can be devastating and long term (possibly permanent but I won't know that for a while, will I...), my mission is to find the exits. Part of it is finding the gatekeepers, if they exist. These are the rare people, personnified on TV by such savants as Dr Who, who actually know what's going on. Maybe such information doesn't exist, but as I've already learnt some which does I presume there's probably a little more at least which I am determined to learn and exploit.
Otherwise I'm in this war of nature versus human, with no protection besides my house, and of course what's that formula? Safe at home, dangers outside, agoraphobia. Pretty sensible reaction if you ask me. So unless I find some ways to cheat the system and stop the worst elements of the outside and inside (such as depression) from getting me then I'll be exposed fully unless I'm at home or the equivalent. So I have a very good reason to find more answers. The funniest thing is in the past when anyone finds an answer our nature is to share it and help others. No! They don't care!
Having just been analysed as a teacher and communicator by numerology, I then have to face a frustration of if I do ever find a key to an exit I won't be telling anyone the good news. There's no point, as the way it works is the few people who want to know will look themselves. So unless someone asks me I won't be saying a thing. I've learnt that lesson so that's one area where despite wanting to communicate will gain nothing from trying.
But there may be no keys. If not, I'll have to be patient and use the one I have a lot more, which is meditation. If there's really little worth doing alone then I won't be missing anything else if I go back to an hour a day. Of course I used to do twice that at the beginning but I really need results to spend so long out of a day. I know what can happen but it so rarely did it's just not economical to nowadays, especially with the new distraction of 24 hr broadband. But that's my safety net should nothing else turn up and I'll be back on the horse and maybe gain more than I did the last time. But so far I've found nothing that works much or often, so will keep looking.
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Cruising the past
Soon I'll get a job writing tabloid headlines...
Anyway, I have a folder signed by all my friends from a musical cruise when I was 14, and searched them all on Friends Reunited today as I was too tired to go anywhere. I went without my school, so was attached to one in Ipswich, so the first task was to get a name for it, which I did. Out of about 30 people I found maybe 5, including one from that school where I met maybe 15 people as I had to follow them most of the time for official duties like trips.
It was a similar experience to Big Brother in a way, except for when we landed every few days, but we were shut in a space with maybe 1000 people but did get to know maybe 50 pretty well over a two week period, including one of the best selection of girls you could imagine. Musicians tend to make the best friends for me as we share many similar interests and backgrounds (ie middle class kids being taught classical music once they've learnt to read), so this bunch became very close to me in that time but most lived far far away.
I kept up with two of the girls when I got home. One was local and absolutely bloody fantastic. I rushed her a bit (use your imagination) in my enthusiasm and that sent her packing after a week. The other contacted me, invited me to stay for a weekend, and then pointed out her boyrfiend in the pub who was 5 years older than me. At least I had a nice holiday if literally nothing else, including being introduced to James Bond films in a double bill which I'd previously never bothered with.
Then the third was 10 years later (story told before alert) with Christine from Farnborough when I discovered via the musical connections a good friend of her who put us back in touch. Looking back she was the second best of all possible wives I could have met (the best was torpedoed by a bitch of a mother) and actually they were very similar. But at the time Farnborough seemed like Penzance travel wise, and as she still seemed to act the same way she did ten years earlier I decided to soldier on locally. What a mistake. Many years later after realising what I'd done, found from her mother she'd become a financial wizard (manager at least of a large organisation) and was married and living in South Africa. My wavering may have had a part in her future as she was a distinct chance, having remembered every event of the earlier cruise as if it was yesterday, and still forgiving me for walking off with someone else. Remember what I said yesterday about playng hard to get... Talk about karma.
Anyway. These guys will all be around 45 now, and the women worn and beaten uterally, after averaging 2.4 children and way out of reach of my own gametes. But sagging tits apart, there were a number of people there who were a good laugh, and for my first friends reunited mass search looked for more male than female. One will forgive me for naming him (like he'll ever read this, and I'm not being rude), simply because of his autograph. He was the only person I spent time with right through, as otherwise I bounced around from one girl to another (5 in all) and meeting new guys, sticking with a small bunch but John was always around as well. The only reason I mention him is his last name was 'Boa', but his signature read 'Bog'. OK, that was tonight's great anticlimax, but at 14 I was allowed to think it was funny.
As I knew where he lived I looked him up directly years ago, probably located him and sent an email, which was ignored. So sod him! I didn't keep in touch afterwards as he lived 500 miles away, so knew I was unlikely to see him again. The other two guys I met were both from Ipswich and were what you would nicely call the geeks and anoraks of our dormitory, but lovely blokes. One got the piss taken out of him constantly by his own schoolmates, but I reckon will probably be the one with the PhD now, and the other was I suppose like someone from P.G. Wodehouse, the sort of traditional English type from about 50 years earlier, but of course, they were from Suffolk...
So now I wait for even one response. I know most were the right people, and a few may have been the same name and age but wrong person. But in 31 years I haven't gone over the events and people of the cruise except with Christine and the friend I went with who is still around in the background. No doubt 75% will have forgotten who I am, as most people tend to live in the present, but from those who don't can usually (like Christine) go over the past minute by minute, as if they were there. It surprises me why far more people don't, as whenever anything became remotely interesting or unusual my mind went into record mode, and can feel exactly what I did when I recall it, as well as replaying the whole lot like a film. I assumed this was part of our makeup but maybe not everyone does it so well as I do.
Or that's their excuse for forgetting me...
Technically none of the girls (now women) are even targets, as the other good one didn't tell me her last name, and I'd already blown it with the others sooner or later. Plus at least three lived in Scotland, and if they turned me down then I doubt I'd get another go. It's a social thing, and I'd actually like to get in touch with the two guys from Ipswich to see what they're doing. There was also someone called Dave, from Mansfield, who taught me more jokes in two weeks than all the previous years, and have been used ever since whenever required. He also described himself as a poet, so may still be in that field. There was an American, Wally, from an RAF base while his father was posted there, who was an amazing guy, and finally Marius, a typical London Jewish intellectual, whose father was a classical musician and was the sort of bloke it was amazing I'd never bumped into in my normal circles before or since as he was a composite of everyone else I knew in it, especially the Golders Green/Hampstead lot from school. I actually found his family website and even they haven't got him on it!
Well, this explains why I spent half an afternoon looking up old friends. Two weeks with a bunch of entertaining eccentrics, days on the piss (drinking age limits don't apply in Spain and thereabouts) and seeing some amazing places left a long-lasting impression, and nowadays I'd love to meet such people again, but without the travelling part. We have a number of people like that at Funtrivia, but most live in different countries rather than distant parts of my own.
So if one at least gets back to me maybe I'll maintain a little link with that part of my life, and they'll always be welcome to pop in if they're in London.
Anyway, I have a folder signed by all my friends from a musical cruise when I was 14, and searched them all on Friends Reunited today as I was too tired to go anywhere. I went without my school, so was attached to one in Ipswich, so the first task was to get a name for it, which I did. Out of about 30 people I found maybe 5, including one from that school where I met maybe 15 people as I had to follow them most of the time for official duties like trips.
It was a similar experience to Big Brother in a way, except for when we landed every few days, but we were shut in a space with maybe 1000 people but did get to know maybe 50 pretty well over a two week period, including one of the best selection of girls you could imagine. Musicians tend to make the best friends for me as we share many similar interests and backgrounds (ie middle class kids being taught classical music once they've learnt to read), so this bunch became very close to me in that time but most lived far far away.
I kept up with two of the girls when I got home. One was local and absolutely bloody fantastic. I rushed her a bit (use your imagination) in my enthusiasm and that sent her packing after a week. The other contacted me, invited me to stay for a weekend, and then pointed out her boyrfiend in the pub who was 5 years older than me. At least I had a nice holiday if literally nothing else, including being introduced to James Bond films in a double bill which I'd previously never bothered with.
Then the third was 10 years later (story told before alert) with Christine from Farnborough when I discovered via the musical connections a good friend of her who put us back in touch. Looking back she was the second best of all possible wives I could have met (the best was torpedoed by a bitch of a mother) and actually they were very similar. But at the time Farnborough seemed like Penzance travel wise, and as she still seemed to act the same way she did ten years earlier I decided to soldier on locally. What a mistake. Many years later after realising what I'd done, found from her mother she'd become a financial wizard (manager at least of a large organisation) and was married and living in South Africa. My wavering may have had a part in her future as she was a distinct chance, having remembered every event of the earlier cruise as if it was yesterday, and still forgiving me for walking off with someone else. Remember what I said yesterday about playng hard to get... Talk about karma.
Anyway. These guys will all be around 45 now, and the women worn and beaten uterally, after averaging 2.4 children and way out of reach of my own gametes. But sagging tits apart, there were a number of people there who were a good laugh, and for my first friends reunited mass search looked for more male than female. One will forgive me for naming him (like he'll ever read this, and I'm not being rude), simply because of his autograph. He was the only person I spent time with right through, as otherwise I bounced around from one girl to another (5 in all) and meeting new guys, sticking with a small bunch but John was always around as well. The only reason I mention him is his last name was 'Boa', but his signature read 'Bog'. OK, that was tonight's great anticlimax, but at 14 I was allowed to think it was funny.
As I knew where he lived I looked him up directly years ago, probably located him and sent an email, which was ignored. So sod him! I didn't keep in touch afterwards as he lived 500 miles away, so knew I was unlikely to see him again. The other two guys I met were both from Ipswich and were what you would nicely call the geeks and anoraks of our dormitory, but lovely blokes. One got the piss taken out of him constantly by his own schoolmates, but I reckon will probably be the one with the PhD now, and the other was I suppose like someone from P.G. Wodehouse, the sort of traditional English type from about 50 years earlier, but of course, they were from Suffolk...
So now I wait for even one response. I know most were the right people, and a few may have been the same name and age but wrong person. But in 31 years I haven't gone over the events and people of the cruise except with Christine and the friend I went with who is still around in the background. No doubt 75% will have forgotten who I am, as most people tend to live in the present, but from those who don't can usually (like Christine) go over the past minute by minute, as if they were there. It surprises me why far more people don't, as whenever anything became remotely interesting or unusual my mind went into record mode, and can feel exactly what I did when I recall it, as well as replaying the whole lot like a film. I assumed this was part of our makeup but maybe not everyone does it so well as I do.
Or that's their excuse for forgetting me...
Technically none of the girls (now women) are even targets, as the other good one didn't tell me her last name, and I'd already blown it with the others sooner or later. Plus at least three lived in Scotland, and if they turned me down then I doubt I'd get another go. It's a social thing, and I'd actually like to get in touch with the two guys from Ipswich to see what they're doing. There was also someone called Dave, from Mansfield, who taught me more jokes in two weeks than all the previous years, and have been used ever since whenever required. He also described himself as a poet, so may still be in that field. There was an American, Wally, from an RAF base while his father was posted there, who was an amazing guy, and finally Marius, a typical London Jewish intellectual, whose father was a classical musician and was the sort of bloke it was amazing I'd never bumped into in my normal circles before or since as he was a composite of everyone else I knew in it, especially the Golders Green/Hampstead lot from school. I actually found his family website and even they haven't got him on it!
Well, this explains why I spent half an afternoon looking up old friends. Two weeks with a bunch of entertaining eccentrics, days on the piss (drinking age limits don't apply in Spain and thereabouts) and seeing some amazing places left a long-lasting impression, and nowadays I'd love to meet such people again, but without the travelling part. We have a number of people like that at Funtrivia, but most live in different countries rather than distant parts of my own.
So if one at least gets back to me maybe I'll maintain a little link with that part of my life, and they'll always be welcome to pop in if they're in London.
Emotions
One thing men, especially me, have been accused of, is being separate from my emotions. Wrong. Women unfornately are prone to being ruled by them, while men feel them just the same have been designed to keep logic and commonsense as a priority in comparison. So I get the full gamut of emotions, but was trained (by a woman actually) not to let them run my life.
So counselling methods that put emotions first are actually giving them too much power. I will give an example. If you believe something that causes you stress, only to find out it wasn't true, then the negative emotion should go. But I get people who are more concerned with dealing the emotion than the lie that caused it. I only feel instant relief when I discover a concept I thought was going to ruin my life was wrong, but these guys aren't even that concerned with facts, but wallowing in self pity.
That means they may as well ignore facts altogether, as though none of their negativity existed until they started getting problems and feeling bad about them, discovering the problems were actually quite different to what they believed (as they usually are) that doesn't seem to help, as they've actually got accustomed to feeling shit and like addicts are loth to let it go. If they are clients and want to carry on paying me after I've solved the case I'll carry on happily.
But outside work, the way women ignore major faults in men as they turn them on, accepting violence, lies and unfaithfulness is their downfall, and one men tend to cope with far better. It also means that women are less likely to care what men do or don't do as they either feel right or not, which means they can more or less get away with murder if they are winners. The trouble is it means any good qualities we have will only get us a good job or possibly good friends. But not a partner. Women generally don't care if you're clever, reliable or creative, though funny is the one that crosses over and can be used as a tool if it works. But being Gandhi or Picasso doesn't pull the birds. Power, money and status are far better at attracting women as again the wish to be dominated and often paid for are factors rather than interesting conversation or nursing when they're ill. After years of marriage the good qualities do become more important, but they are not the bait that catches the fish on the first place.
So to set the world straight, I have emotions but because they don't usually affect my judgement, many people say I don't. They have in the past, and I ended up with two flats I didn't like, a number of unsuitable girlfriends, and other dangerous pursuits I was lucky to survive. That's the negative consequence of them, and one no one needs. So now I realise people who have a thing about emotions believe them to be our friend, so follow them ahead of logic, are just deluded.
Nick Roach became so convinced of this fact he turned into Surrey's version of a Vulcan by dissolving his and spending all his time teaching others to. Further than me, he actually says we're better off with no emotions at all. I don't go that far, but am not the soppy fan of them who believes if we don't cry at everyone else's bad news we're tough as nails and not truly human. They just missed the point, but they won't be taught whatever they learn, as they're happy with their lot, despite the trouble it causes them. But none can tell me I'm wrong for not being like them. The evidence is here for all to see.
So counselling methods that put emotions first are actually giving them too much power. I will give an example. If you believe something that causes you stress, only to find out it wasn't true, then the negative emotion should go. But I get people who are more concerned with dealing the emotion than the lie that caused it. I only feel instant relief when I discover a concept I thought was going to ruin my life was wrong, but these guys aren't even that concerned with facts, but wallowing in self pity.
That means they may as well ignore facts altogether, as though none of their negativity existed until they started getting problems and feeling bad about them, discovering the problems were actually quite different to what they believed (as they usually are) that doesn't seem to help, as they've actually got accustomed to feeling shit and like addicts are loth to let it go. If they are clients and want to carry on paying me after I've solved the case I'll carry on happily.
But outside work, the way women ignore major faults in men as they turn them on, accepting violence, lies and unfaithfulness is their downfall, and one men tend to cope with far better. It also means that women are less likely to care what men do or don't do as they either feel right or not, which means they can more or less get away with murder if they are winners. The trouble is it means any good qualities we have will only get us a good job or possibly good friends. But not a partner. Women generally don't care if you're clever, reliable or creative, though funny is the one that crosses over and can be used as a tool if it works. But being Gandhi or Picasso doesn't pull the birds. Power, money and status are far better at attracting women as again the wish to be dominated and often paid for are factors rather than interesting conversation or nursing when they're ill. After years of marriage the good qualities do become more important, but they are not the bait that catches the fish on the first place.
So to set the world straight, I have emotions but because they don't usually affect my judgement, many people say I don't. They have in the past, and I ended up with two flats I didn't like, a number of unsuitable girlfriends, and other dangerous pursuits I was lucky to survive. That's the negative consequence of them, and one no one needs. So now I realise people who have a thing about emotions believe them to be our friend, so follow them ahead of logic, are just deluded.
Nick Roach became so convinced of this fact he turned into Surrey's version of a Vulcan by dissolving his and spending all his time teaching others to. Further than me, he actually says we're better off with no emotions at all. I don't go that far, but am not the soppy fan of them who believes if we don't cry at everyone else's bad news we're tough as nails and not truly human. They just missed the point, but they won't be taught whatever they learn, as they're happy with their lot, despite the trouble it causes them. But none can tell me I'm wrong for not being like them. The evidence is here for all to see.
Monday, May 01, 2006
Theory
It feels like things are shifting, though technically nothing really has. But I have learnt that how you feel is more important than why, so if I feel like things are loosening up at last I don’t mind the details so much as really many outside things don’t really affect us, we just react to them through habit. A good example is my claustrophobia. Mind you, there is a possible second explanation for it but I’ll get to that.
I react to places, I always have. And some feel so oppressive I want to leave. Now of course if I’d been blind I couldn’t even have this information, so it should be a learnt and totally unnecessary reaction. But I have a scale of reaction of places from +100 for the best to –100 to the worst. I’m not the only one, I just react with panic attacks where most don’t, but those are my genes. Anyway, if you move from one place to another you are only ‘being’, but just with a different view. The other explanation is psychic. Bad vibes can only be either imaginary or beyond known reality, but my reactions are pretty reliable either way.
Back to the point. It’s been frozen in life, for longer than I can remember. Then, (even though the record says it’s been there three years already) I come across the top name on my list, and maybe it all fits together around that. The top Fiona of the pile, and the first of many.
Maybe it feels like everything’s following that now, plus the fact my personal barrier to a woman arriving is now gone, in that I’ve accepted I can fit my personal problems in with a relationship without a woman either trying to force me to do things, or not wanting me in the first place. Like an old classic car, 46 years old, class and style, but damaged and worn. Who’s going to be perfect at my age when single? My difficulties may be nearer the surface, but that’s all there is and hardly a lot of trouble for anyone.
So technically nothing’s changed, and certainly nothing’s happened. My friend in the States said he’ll email tomorrow giving the reasons why he’s not coming back. That’s really going to make my day, but I expected nothing more. There’s another technical formula I recently discovered which may be behind my work towards enlightenment. The tipping point. This means you stack up pennies on a balance, and after a certain number the lot weighs the balance and it falls down. Before then, despite possibly being one penny away from falling, everything seems the same as before, but as you add a penny at a time you are reaching the point without any seen effects till, like the last straw, the lot falls. Though enlightenment often gives clues, where many people do get clues along the line, I feel nothing new. So maybe the method I use can well reach the goal (they hate it when we use that word but there’s only one language I know) but with few if any clues I’m nearing it. I’ve certainly been practicing my method on and off for a year and a half, and those coincidences have been coming regularly, which are said to be signal one. Feeling everything’s OK is signal two. Maybe the tipping point is that, I am feeling everything’s ok because I’m making that progress. I can only wait and find out.
Meanwhile back on earth I have my freedom. For now. Fiona and Alison (the rude one from the dating site) won’t be back, any other women I know, including the one with the 5% chance of success (in my world that’s the nearest thing to a certainty ahead I’ll ever have) are way off in time, and that’s more or less how things are. But if feeling unblocked continues then what isn’t happening outside won’t matter quite so much.
I react to places, I always have. And some feel so oppressive I want to leave. Now of course if I’d been blind I couldn’t even have this information, so it should be a learnt and totally unnecessary reaction. But I have a scale of reaction of places from +100 for the best to –100 to the worst. I’m not the only one, I just react with panic attacks where most don’t, but those are my genes. Anyway, if you move from one place to another you are only ‘being’, but just with a different view. The other explanation is psychic. Bad vibes can only be either imaginary or beyond known reality, but my reactions are pretty reliable either way.
Back to the point. It’s been frozen in life, for longer than I can remember. Then, (even though the record says it’s been there three years already) I come across the top name on my list, and maybe it all fits together around that. The top Fiona of the pile, and the first of many.
Maybe it feels like everything’s following that now, plus the fact my personal barrier to a woman arriving is now gone, in that I’ve accepted I can fit my personal problems in with a relationship without a woman either trying to force me to do things, or not wanting me in the first place. Like an old classic car, 46 years old, class and style, but damaged and worn. Who’s going to be perfect at my age when single? My difficulties may be nearer the surface, but that’s all there is and hardly a lot of trouble for anyone.
So technically nothing’s changed, and certainly nothing’s happened. My friend in the States said he’ll email tomorrow giving the reasons why he’s not coming back. That’s really going to make my day, but I expected nothing more. There’s another technical formula I recently discovered which may be behind my work towards enlightenment. The tipping point. This means you stack up pennies on a balance, and after a certain number the lot weighs the balance and it falls down. Before then, despite possibly being one penny away from falling, everything seems the same as before, but as you add a penny at a time you are reaching the point without any seen effects till, like the last straw, the lot falls. Though enlightenment often gives clues, where many people do get clues along the line, I feel nothing new. So maybe the method I use can well reach the goal (they hate it when we use that word but there’s only one language I know) but with few if any clues I’m nearing it. I’ve certainly been practicing my method on and off for a year and a half, and those coincidences have been coming regularly, which are said to be signal one. Feeling everything’s OK is signal two. Maybe the tipping point is that, I am feeling everything’s ok because I’m making that progress. I can only wait and find out.
Meanwhile back on earth I have my freedom. For now. Fiona and Alison (the rude one from the dating site) won’t be back, any other women I know, including the one with the 5% chance of success (in my world that’s the nearest thing to a certainty ahead I’ll ever have) are way off in time, and that’s more or less how things are. But if feeling unblocked continues then what isn’t happening outside won’t matter quite so much.
If I could say it to their faces...
Being British, I can't usually say to women what I'd like to directly, and even writing it here opened up a minuscule chance one of the two women I'll mention could read it, but I've got little to lose, and I'll say what I'd like to to each of them to the internet, though I'd prefer to be able to tell them. It reminds me of the conselling method where someone writes a letter to a dead relative to say what they didn't while they were alive, and this is virtually the same. With the same chance of success even if I told them face to face. So here are the ten women in my mind (though of course not in my life) and what I want to say about and to them.
So in an ideal world I could address each woman I know directly and tell them how I feel specifically. I was also inspired by a reporter in today’s paper who, fed up with meeting nutters online, decided to do just that to a woman who went cold on him, and they are now married. So besides not naming these people directly, and hopefully making it vague enough they couldn’t be sure it was them I was referring to, I’ll have a go now. And as it's a fantasy I include all the taken ones as well.
One is out of reach, but free. The sort of situation where I am considered off limits so viewed as a mannequin with no sexual organs. Believe me, I have, if you were only to change how you see me. I’d like to say to her I’ve been seen for so long as a boy and not a man (the only time a balding 46 year old doesn’t want to be seen as young…) but I want to show you every day how much of a man I am!
Two is who I referred to as the only one I know with a 5% chance of success. I have a timetable and will stick to it and see what happens.
Three I am waiting for a message to get through when she returns to England and will see if her possible interest in me was genuine.
Four I’ve spoken about many times before. I still see her regularly and besides her unavoidably magnetic looks and passing interest in enlightenment, we couldn’t be more different. But we get on, she feels right even at the opposite end of a huge room from me, and shows surface cultural differences matter little when someone has that special quality. She has this site but has little enough time to do anything let alone go on the internet. But if she read this and knew I meant her, I’d say “From the day I saw you in the corridor I saw something special. By the time I considered acting on it you mentioned your boyfriend, and as I considered whether to give up (I only give up on married women immediately nowadays, after many wasted hours), you announced how committed you were so I dropped it. But you are special and I want you to know that, whatever you think about me I see something very rare in you in whichever way I look.
Though I haven’t seen five for a while (no loss), the tattooed lady at the gym with the boyfriend who is now probably so possessive he’s working out with her rather than just sitting outside in case someone like me tries to talk to her again is still in my mind. I could well see the bloodstains on the wall mirrors and the police hauling him off after I looked at her in a funny way. Actually he seems like a total wimp but his constant attention implies a hidden darker side that would come out if challenged.
Six is the best looking woman of all at the gym, probably a 10. But nothing at all in common, just like a picture as far as conversation goes. I don’t know if she’s even taken as I’ve never got more than three words out of her in as many years. But what looks! And she’ll end up with some criminal who sleeps around as they always do. Unappreciated, wasted and totally devoted to gaining their love, as so many women only want a man who shows little or no interest in them. God’s idea of a joke, if there had been one.
Seven is my cleaner, unable to speak more than three words of English in one go so I know nothing about her. Whatever can be conveyed without words she does seem to be a very nice person who seems to like me, but unless I use the sort of body language that would get me arrested I’ll never even know if she’s married or not, let alone up for anything extra if not. I’d just want to say (in Portuguese) “I don’t know if you’re married, but the longer you’ve been coming the more I’ve become attracted to you, and would be very happy to get it together”. Then I’d learn Portuguese for “Stroll on, who the fuck do you think you are you scrawny jewish excuse for a man who can’t even keep his own house clean and has to pay an immigrant worker to do it. If I wasn’t on the run from a Brazilian drug baron I’d tell you to stick your broom up your arse, possibly even put it there myself!”.
Eight I can mention now as she’s gone and out of the way for good. She was a woman with no looks at all. Not the kind I look at and go ‘no way!’, just nothing attractive, but not actually unattractive. Her personality and body gradually won me over without any need to be attractive as well, which proved something in itself. She was actually so little effort and such good company I could easily imagine a pretty comfortable relationship and good other side of it whatever she looked like. I’d love to tell her as well, but as I can’t (trust me!) so I can only say it here as my non-catholic confessional.
Nine is the lady off the internet dating site who said she'd phone and didn't. Though I’ve never met her and only seen a blurred picture, fantasy has no rules so here goes. What I have virtually said to her in reality is “I’m not sure why you decided not to phone me but as, on paper at least, we seemed to stand a chance, could you give me one?” (a chance I mean!). But given the way she behaved the little good I know about her on paper has been overtaken by her actions, as anyone who can do something like that would do it all the time so can't really be worth much.
Ten is a 'Tried, failed, but still around'. I get these from time to time as (not in my own best interests) I am useful to some people. I'd like to tell her that I had been waiting for a wife since 1984, and had her in that position in my mind, in my house, with my friends and family, and there in 40 years time as now. It didn't happen, but despite all the others I mention she was the only one put in this imaginary role. That has to count for something, though I know it would make her feel ill at the thought.
Technically I think number nine would be the most suitable in practice, as she was easygoing and totally undemanding. She had little in the way of ambition and plans for any man, in fact was past even wanting a relationship so may never have one again in reality. But if anything melted the ice, despite any surface details, it may have been like jumping ahead 40 years into a long marriage from the beginning, comfortable and relaxed, having missed out all the teenage plus action of younger couples. We'd be doing the garden and sitting in front of the fire from the beginning instead of at the end, and I think she may be one of the few content to do so. When all the energy of youth is gone, that's what remains, and is actually the heart of a true relationship, as without that it's only on the surface. But the ones that do last into old age have the foundation of companionship that goes beyond where you go and what you do together, but just the together part. It's a shame she didn't see a spark of it as well, as I could have been to busy to be sitting here at almost 1am on a monday writing this...
So in an ideal world I could address each woman I know directly and tell them how I feel specifically. I was also inspired by a reporter in today’s paper who, fed up with meeting nutters online, decided to do just that to a woman who went cold on him, and they are now married. So besides not naming these people directly, and hopefully making it vague enough they couldn’t be sure it was them I was referring to, I’ll have a go now. And as it's a fantasy I include all the taken ones as well.
One is out of reach, but free. The sort of situation where I am considered off limits so viewed as a mannequin with no sexual organs. Believe me, I have, if you were only to change how you see me. I’d like to say to her I’ve been seen for so long as a boy and not a man (the only time a balding 46 year old doesn’t want to be seen as young…) but I want to show you every day how much of a man I am!
Two is who I referred to as the only one I know with a 5% chance of success. I have a timetable and will stick to it and see what happens.
Three I am waiting for a message to get through when she returns to England and will see if her possible interest in me was genuine.
Four I’ve spoken about many times before. I still see her regularly and besides her unavoidably magnetic looks and passing interest in enlightenment, we couldn’t be more different. But we get on, she feels right even at the opposite end of a huge room from me, and shows surface cultural differences matter little when someone has that special quality. She has this site but has little enough time to do anything let alone go on the internet. But if she read this and knew I meant her, I’d say “From the day I saw you in the corridor I saw something special. By the time I considered acting on it you mentioned your boyfriend, and as I considered whether to give up (I only give up on married women immediately nowadays, after many wasted hours), you announced how committed you were so I dropped it. But you are special and I want you to know that, whatever you think about me I see something very rare in you in whichever way I look.
Though I haven’t seen five for a while (no loss), the tattooed lady at the gym with the boyfriend who is now probably so possessive he’s working out with her rather than just sitting outside in case someone like me tries to talk to her again is still in my mind. I could well see the bloodstains on the wall mirrors and the police hauling him off after I looked at her in a funny way. Actually he seems like a total wimp but his constant attention implies a hidden darker side that would come out if challenged.
Six is the best looking woman of all at the gym, probably a 10. But nothing at all in common, just like a picture as far as conversation goes. I don’t know if she’s even taken as I’ve never got more than three words out of her in as many years. But what looks! And she’ll end up with some criminal who sleeps around as they always do. Unappreciated, wasted and totally devoted to gaining their love, as so many women only want a man who shows little or no interest in them. God’s idea of a joke, if there had been one.
Seven is my cleaner, unable to speak more than three words of English in one go so I know nothing about her. Whatever can be conveyed without words she does seem to be a very nice person who seems to like me, but unless I use the sort of body language that would get me arrested I’ll never even know if she’s married or not, let alone up for anything extra if not. I’d just want to say (in Portuguese) “I don’t know if you’re married, but the longer you’ve been coming the more I’ve become attracted to you, and would be very happy to get it together”. Then I’d learn Portuguese for “Stroll on, who the fuck do you think you are you scrawny jewish excuse for a man who can’t even keep his own house clean and has to pay an immigrant worker to do it. If I wasn’t on the run from a Brazilian drug baron I’d tell you to stick your broom up your arse, possibly even put it there myself!”.
Eight I can mention now as she’s gone and out of the way for good. She was a woman with no looks at all. Not the kind I look at and go ‘no way!’, just nothing attractive, but not actually unattractive. Her personality and body gradually won me over without any need to be attractive as well, which proved something in itself. She was actually so little effort and such good company I could easily imagine a pretty comfortable relationship and good other side of it whatever she looked like. I’d love to tell her as well, but as I can’t (trust me!) so I can only say it here as my non-catholic confessional.
Nine is the lady off the internet dating site who said she'd phone and didn't. Though I’ve never met her and only seen a blurred picture, fantasy has no rules so here goes. What I have virtually said to her in reality is “I’m not sure why you decided not to phone me but as, on paper at least, we seemed to stand a chance, could you give me one?” (a chance I mean!). But given the way she behaved the little good I know about her on paper has been overtaken by her actions, as anyone who can do something like that would do it all the time so can't really be worth much.
Ten is a 'Tried, failed, but still around'. I get these from time to time as (not in my own best interests) I am useful to some people. I'd like to tell her that I had been waiting for a wife since 1984, and had her in that position in my mind, in my house, with my friends and family, and there in 40 years time as now. It didn't happen, but despite all the others I mention she was the only one put in this imaginary role. That has to count for something, though I know it would make her feel ill at the thought.
Technically I think number nine would be the most suitable in practice, as she was easygoing and totally undemanding. She had little in the way of ambition and plans for any man, in fact was past even wanting a relationship so may never have one again in reality. But if anything melted the ice, despite any surface details, it may have been like jumping ahead 40 years into a long marriage from the beginning, comfortable and relaxed, having missed out all the teenage plus action of younger couples. We'd be doing the garden and sitting in front of the fire from the beginning instead of at the end, and I think she may be one of the few content to do so. When all the energy of youth is gone, that's what remains, and is actually the heart of a true relationship, as without that it's only on the surface. But the ones that do last into old age have the foundation of companionship that goes beyond where you go and what you do together, but just the together part. It's a shame she didn't see a spark of it as well, as I could have been to busy to be sitting here at almost 1am on a monday writing this...
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