Theory

It feels like things are shifting, though technically nothing really has. But I have learnt that how you feel is more important than why, so if I feel like things are loosening up at last I don’t mind the details so much as really many outside things don’t really affect us, we just react to them through habit. A good example is my claustrophobia. Mind you, there is a possible second explanation for it but I’ll get to that.

I react to places, I always have. And some feel so oppressive I want to leave. Now of course if I’d been blind I couldn’t even have this information, so it should be a learnt and totally unnecessary reaction. But I have a scale of reaction of places from +100 for the best to –100 to the worst. I’m not the only one, I just react with panic attacks where most don’t, but those are my genes. Anyway, if you move from one place to another you are only ‘being’, but just with a different view. The other explanation is psychic. Bad vibes can only be either imaginary or beyond known reality, but my reactions are pretty reliable either way.

Back to the point. It’s been frozen in life, for longer than I can remember. Then, (even though the record says it’s been there three years already) I come across the top name on my list, and maybe it all fits together around that. The top Fiona of the pile, and the first of many.

Maybe it feels like everything’s following that now, plus the fact my personal barrier to a woman arriving is now gone, in that I’ve accepted I can fit my personal problems in with a relationship without a woman either trying to force me to do things, or not wanting me in the first place. Like an old classic car, 46 years old, class and style, but damaged and worn. Who’s going to be perfect at my age when single? My difficulties may be nearer the surface, but that’s all there is and hardly a lot of trouble for anyone.

So technically nothing’s changed, and certainly nothing’s happened. My friend in the States said he’ll email tomorrow giving the reasons why he’s not coming back. That’s really going to make my day, but I expected nothing more. There’s another technical formula I recently discovered which may be behind my work towards enlightenment. The tipping point. This means you stack up pennies on a balance, and after a certain number the lot weighs the balance and it falls down. Before then, despite possibly being one penny away from falling, everything seems the same as before, but as you add a penny at a time you are reaching the point without any seen effects till, like the last straw, the lot falls. Though enlightenment often gives clues, where many people do get clues along the line, I feel nothing new. So maybe the method I use can well reach the goal (they hate it when we use that word but there’s only one language I know) but with few if any clues I’m nearing it. I’ve certainly been practicing my method on and off for a year and a half, and those coincidences have been coming regularly, which are said to be signal one. Feeling everything’s OK is signal two. Maybe the tipping point is that, I am feeling everything’s ok because I’m making that progress. I can only wait and find out.

Meanwhile back on earth I have my freedom. For now. Fiona and Alison (the rude one from the dating site) won’t be back, any other women I know, including the one with the 5% chance of success (in my world that’s the nearest thing to a certainty ahead I’ll ever have) are way off in time, and that’s more or less how things are. But if feeling unblocked continues then what isn’t happening outside won’t matter quite so much.