Ideas and extremes

A few themes today. First and best being my obsession with an unattainable woman. One of the ones I mention from time to time at the gym, who has this site but I suspect has never read it, so I’ll take a risk. Watching her from a distance yesterday I could see the difference between the quality and everyone else. Anything with her would be the real thing, where doing everything with most women is like eating dry bread for lunch. It made the difference so perfectly clear I knew exactly what I had to wait for, probably for the rest of my life, and am alone now as I refused anyone well below the standard. What would be the point? I’d only look at other women just as I do now but wouldn’t be able to even try them. I was wondering why she hadn’t married her boyfriend and it was because he didn’t want to be tied down. My god! They have every other tie imaginable, but he still won’t make the final move. I would right now. Besides the looks she is totally different from all my previous targets, but in practice we seem to get on, which is the true test. I wouldn’t complain about all the obvious faults she must have as they don’t overweigh the good ones. I am now somehow going to get the rumour that I like her around the place so she hears it as if it came out by accident, like the government do. Why shouldn’t she know? It’s not as if I can lose any respect she already has for me, as we don’t choose who we like and I’m not married, or is she for that matter. If she was I wouldn’t even look at her. I learnt to become blind to married women after three attempts made minor inroads but each stopped well short of being unfaithful, though the first said she was leaving her husband before I made my move. She never did.

With no real woman in my life the only way I can remind myself what I’m missing is getting caught up with an imaginary scenario with a real woman, just like an imaginary friend but with qualities that are real and in another universe I may have got in there before the current boyfriend, assuming she wants someone 20 years older than her that is… I think every woman in the past who discovered I liked them from a distance avoided me like I had bird flu once they found out, and as I have nothing to lose from my current score of ‘nil’ may as well let the cat out of the bag after about 2 years of obsession and see if she looks at me in a funny way each time she sees me, or like the others gets out of the way altogether in total disgust. But that wouldn’t have been created by knowing as it would only demonstrate how she felt the whole time, she just would no longer be hiding it.

I have a knack of raising the most negative emotions in women I like, something I’ve done since I was about 12 and joined a mixed school. The ones I ignored or had as friends threw themselves at me, where I either accepted out of convenience or rejected, and whatever I did they followed me around. But once an interest is present they respond with a total hostility I’ve seen continually for over 30 years, with no more than a psychic cause. Just as when I connect my power supply with the wrong polarity, there’s nothing wrong with it or the appliance, they’re just connected backwards and need rewiring to be compatible. I can’t rewire women so how on earth can I rewire myself to give off the vibes I don’t care (equals success) when I do?
On a moral question (one I believe I have the answer to but wonder what others think), where a woman’s with a man but not married, are they not fair game for a man who would marry them? Or even not, as their current one clearly doesn’t really care enough? It happens all the time, but so many people still disapprove, often before it happens to them!

On a tenuously related topic I wondered what would happen if god forbid I became totally housebound? Some people are, and from my side I couldn’t care less if it did, I’d only be concerned about the health issue that caused it. I wouldn’t feel trapped there simply as a) I did all the things I want to already in the big wide world and though some were ok they weren’t such a big deal to miss them, and b) I have made my house such a centre of activity it would be difficult to get that bored as I have nearly anything besides a snooker table I would want to keep myself occupied for the rest of my life if necessary. There are enough housebound people and their friends are bound to sort themselves out into leavers and stayers, the stayers will get used to them and accept their situation, and see them as they would before. You don’t have to be 90 to be stuck indoors unfortunately, and so far I’ve escaped the worst clutches of my health problems, but wondered if it took over how my social life would be affected?
Of course with unlimited money I’d have my vast country estate complete with every facility including art and recording studios and heated pool. Like when I had a little snooker table many people would turn up at all hours, and not usually to see me. Luckily I am still relatively mobile but as the worst case scenario it’s better to formulate it in my mind so I needn’t worry about it happening as a reality. I reckon I’d be the least bothered, it would be the friends and relatives expecting me to turn up for their family funerals and celebrations who would feel they’d lost out (like they really needed me there) and that is squarely their problem not mine.

So today I’ve imagined a best and worst case scenario, where in reality I’m in between. As some mystics would say none matters as it’s all part of the dance and play of life, which is an illusion anyway. I’m only playing a part and in reality my awareness is all there is, everything else being within it for my own entertainment, until it stops being entertaining (which it did some time ago). That’s only the average, as the downs now easily outweigh the ups, but as there’s little reason for that to change (unless they find a way to fix me with no effort from either side) I will continue to look for other ways out.