It's raining so here I am

I have now found a blog on agoraphobia that describes the whole thing far better than I can so O won't bother trying to describe something that took me over 20 years to understand for people who don't even believe I have it, let alone want to learn more. But however I try and describe it I do know what it is whether or not I can explain it here properly or not. Lynn does it very nicely and corresponds with what I said as well so that can be the source of education following it in its variations from day to day. We are not all housebound or unable to go to the shops but it can sure shit us up when we try.

As it's raining I'm not out doing what I do within 'today's boundaries' which is the key phrase. Every day is different and they change like the Polish border. And god help me if anyone wants me to cross them. That's the phobia. It's not mandatory to follow it and do nothing as accused of. Not that I didn't go out today, but no fun or photos and am waiting on a phone call to go back to collect the door for my bathroom cabinet once they've made it. Because my builder hasn't bothered to do anything I'm gradually getting things done myself like the door, and my father has just fixed two taps I didn't realise anyone could without being a plumber. Besides the asbestos garage roof all the other bits are minor and few are now left and not urgent. But the value I've added to the house (13 years now and counting) with the loft room and new kitchen must have made the investment increase by double what the extras cost me.

This week could go either way, but like Buddha and the old Liberal party will probably be in the middle. One high is a DVD just arrived of the BBC Trade Test films I'd asked for online and haven't seen since they were last on around 1972. I've put out an appeal for the next programme, of a similar age but still owned and used by BBC but I missed their last showing. Who knows. As I said I've done all I can with Christine now, the lost sheep from 1974, and will be very interested to see her apparently very well hidden dark side when I phone her after not receiving any replies. That was the last resort but she brought it on herself. Rudeness is never needed although most people are very good at it. She never has been and I honestly couldn't imagine it being in her. How the mighty fall. Someone says not to contact them and then sends you their new number. A man would never act like that, we are more like the American roads, wide and straight and can see exactly where we're going. Women are like ours here, twists, turns, and often end up where you started. Go figure. She has broken every element of belief I had in people now as I'd held her up as an example for half my life and there are very few others left to replace her, especially female.

My plans now are all practical and not work or pleasure related besides checking who has sold any postcards. I still believe enlightenment is now a reality and that is a huge shift in my own perceptions, and one that can lead me there as well. And most of those who have made it seem to have done it in a similar way, by moving on from teacher to teacher rather than being able to get it all from one. Not using more than one at a time though. I always look at others as I knew there was something I needed, but now I've found it and only use the method Nick gave me as it still seems the right one for me. The others have their own methods but can't be doing with complex performances every day that only serve to get you to the same place Nick does. Their difference is energy transfer (shaktipat) which can't be done by you anyway and needs a shakti master, of which there are very few. And they can send it anywhere so no need to have to see them in person as I discovered with my own. That clears at least as much of the blockage as practices, and the final point is they have proved practices both work and are required for enlightenment, if you do nothing or just listen to satsang you will get nowhere.
I now slip between normal life and returning to my presence, as that is where it lies. We are told the longer and more frequently we do this something will happen, and also I've seen it's rarely a sudden switch but people do start noticing something and then it moves along from there.

I am looking on the current (apparent) economic shenanigans with an interested detachment. I learnt not to borrow long ago and treat the little money I have like children, I know where it's come from, where it is and where it's going. And I never spend it on anything except essentials and the odd thing that I can afford when I see it. I got everything I really needed by the time I was 30 and now it's mainly maintenance and new technology plus replacements when things pack up. If you save it then it's there for when you need it. So if there's any schadenfreude it's only because much if not all of these current problems were avoidable and can't see any way they can touch me. And oil went down yesterday! That will help nearly everyone on earth as it'll reduce inflation and our money will go further as long as it stays there. But I really don't think it'll hit that many normal people this time, and lots are already making it big buying up low stocks. I think in a year it'll all have blown over and not go down in history as it tends to correct itself. Most of the money never existed as it was created to pay for houses worth half their cost, and if they insisted on giving double what many people knew they were worth then the chances of getting it back with interest were reduced. They thought houses would stay up forever, unlike shares, and got a reality check. Big deal. And any recession is an average and they vary in size. They use 6 months shrinkage, but don't measure how much, so a small recession is like a quiet period, but a big one is like the 1930s. If we go into one next year I don't think many will be affected unless their own company goes broke, and unemployment has never been long term here so everything will return to normal and those with protection will survive if they lose their jobs. Too late for me though, that happened 8 years ago!

I have said goodbye to old projects now, if any pop up months later to surprise me I'll be very pleased but have figuratively said kaddish (prayers for the dead) for every one that's been mouldering in the background. A clear slate and no longer within my powers to do anything about that. I'll keep looking after the house and garden, my family and creating what I can, and the rest is out of my hands. It always was but now I realise it.