Seeing the light

Life goes on. It's been a harmless but predictable week, a little work, a few photos and the usual arrangements in between. The news has been a little better inasmuch as Newsweek (a great mouthpiece for the IPCC until now) has now stated 'The connection between the sensitivity to CO2 and temperature increases is no longer clear enough to know we are affecting the climate'. Well no shit Sherlock, if they have finally given in and said what many other scientists have been saying all along then regardless of the momentum continuing elsewhere this is more or less like Al Gore making a sequel called 'A fucking inconvenient mistake'. Honestly. The beginning of the end.

I'm in no mood for stress, and at least not actually that worried about the dentist now, it's not a major construction this time and a nice place so just have preferred a quick resolution but am ok with it for now. My nerves have been all over the place for half my life and tablets have helped a lot but had to be changed and never found anything as good when the side effects forced the issue. I have no problem with my normal life, currently panic for unusual arrangements but nearly always go, and just distance restricted for now which is probably the commonest symptom of agoraphobia there is. But although 40 miles seems nothing compared to the past it's a lot more than most can do. Still a damn limit though and would be nice to lose at least some more of it.

Alex Jones explained the Bilderberg Group on the radio last night, the people who rule the planet and sole aim to turn the human race into their slaves. An article today said due to the internet people are finally waking up and may ruin their plans. Thank god for that eh? Even my small efforts (I know how many people read this and my other messages) have informed at least a few people that global warming isn't what they tell us, and authorities deliberately try and hurt us to get what they want, they are not there for our benefit, never were, never will be. They see themselves as a superior elite who want to control the world (hence now released plans for a world government) and stop us being free and spoiling their fun. But now everyone can share and network it can't last much longer. A few thousand people may read David Icke's books, but millions read the internet every day. Each single person who learns the IPCC are only using information which supports the conclusion they have decided they want, or people are giving their carbon offsets to big businesses to do with as they please means we are doing our job well. For instance in 5 years when we have the next election, if enough people realise this then they'll want to vote for a party not collecting green taxes as they know they are going to big business worldwide. With five years freedom to do so our energy prices will rise so much (as Bilderberg planned) people will be so poor they will only care about survival. And realise it was the green taxes and no recession that did it.

Back to this life, my ex from the north is in London and threatening to turn up tomorrow but I don't think it'll happen now and I'm not in the right state to be pushed around all afternoon at the moment. Absolutely no other plans now, ideas or much else, but that's half my life. This week was fine really and I suppose just one major shift on global warming made it a profit. Do I expect too much? Seeing everyone else with their friends and family while I am privileged to see mine when I do I probably don't. The Emmerdale plane has crashed on Kingsbury, killing off 80% of the cast and only leaving a handful of old originals too spread out to form a community. A rare guest appearance from the few who survived but moved away and that's it. The rest is pretty much the same as everyone else- I'm not famous and neither are most other people, I'm trying to be, or at least get some more media work, and so are many others. That's a luxury, friends and family never should be. Things can always change but I'm not in charge there.

For the other agoraphobics here

I am currently kicking my heels until I go out in a couple of hours (more of that later), it's been raining all day so housework and internet quizzes etc until the time comes to go. My bedroom is tidier than it's been since it was built and most of the washing up has been done. I'm also busy on various global warming threads in forums, and the latest lies the IPCC have been caught accepting from any twat who agrees with their ends mean to me if anyone still believes them they should be put in group care.
Someone just turned up one of the best old signs there is on a private road, but seen in 1992. Now I have to go and check at the weekend just in case as the rules didn't affect private roads.

Spending a day alone with your fears is a form of mediation as you clearly see every possible thing you imagine can go wrong when you go out later. Mainly based on very rare but terrifying past experiences then they become the focus simply because that is human nature, magnified many thousands of times in phobics. Technically if it doesn't stop you going somewhere then it's the same as fear of flying, many people have it but still go ahead. But not having to suffer in advance would be nice for a change. The old tablets helped for years until the return after a long gap caused problems preventing their use again. The new ones are quite different but don't affect the thoughts very much like the others did.
Being older and more independent there are also far fewer such events as I simply turn down most others as any mature person is entitled to do. Something I learnt only relatively recently. Anyone who takes offence can screw themselves and aren't worthy of worrying about as I never would in their position.

Anyway, the time is getting closer so half the stress will be over, the run up to such events is always as bad, if not worse if they turn out to be relatively harmless. I'm well beyond caring about it or worse still imagining I can fix it, and as it happens so rarely now just one of those things sent to try us. But remember, for those lucky enough not to suffer, agoraphobia doesn't stop you going out unless severe, it is a morbid fear of it. Quite different in practice.

Agoraphobia day!

Although I rarely mention it now as I rarely go where requested, I was cheated into accepting another evening in a not-local pub next week. Luckily the same person got me to survive an evening in another one recently so have the precedent, and although I could probably cope with a local one instead most have long since become blocks of flats so hardly any actually on the doorstep without either thugs or old miseries. My tablets are required to take the edge off the day, but may dwell on it on and off the whole time before it comes next week, that is almost as bad as the event as you can't live normally with a stone in your shoe.

Otherwise I've been out and about as it suits me, I took a lot (more remaining though) of private signs in Regents Park yesterday, as although they are not official have an old set just like the others in style and quite a few have been left unlike elsewhere. It's been raining again all day so scanned in the final photos and now have quite a few of our old cars and even half an old direction sign from before I was born. I must do the supermarket tomorrow or I'll run out of food, and beyond that is a mystery. If something else better takes my attention it can wipe out any concern about the pub, but that is outside my control if it does.

My other projects are so uncertain or personal they can't be mentioned here, but none are likely to happen for weeks at the earliest so can't expect any of them to do the job. My finances will be changing soon (for the better overall but not quite as reliable), I have also started laser treatment on my hair as the FDA in America have approved it with good results and a twentieth the price of having it done privately. That takes months before showing any results so just apply it three times a week and leave it alone otherwise and forget about it. The long term plan is to find another friend locally, male. female or both, and one not more trouble than being on my own. I've never looked for a friend in my life, they were just there. This is a first. Facebook has been useless so far, the one friend had just moved abroad after being round the corner (relatively) for years, and the latest fuckers just ignored my messages.
One who didn't although didn't remember me either suddenly invited me over, I replied when and she never answered. She is single but clearly for good reasons. It's like I'm tuned for 'weird' so like a magnet instead of picking up iron pick up weird people and repel the others.

But I must try and remain positive in all this, see there must still be guidance in it all and maybe the pub visit may ultimately lead to a leg over situation. Needless to say the woman is incredibly attractive or I'd just have sidestepped the whole thing, but I can't start fiddling around when crumpet is involved however unlikely the chances are of success. I'd understand if a woman didn't like going out but I've been there myself so would. I won't do nothing, but if she wants to go to a pub would like some say in which one, even though all mine have been demolished. She used to have a car so could come over when she wanted as well, but finances put a stop to that and if she comes over now needs arranging and me going to collect her and take her home. That's not a problem but means she can't just come and go as she pleases as she doesn't like being at home much herself.

So, a small turd hits the fan as they must from time to time, and only for me to deal with now or never. I know that's the reason and step one is to forget about it unless it comes to me, in which case I let the thought pass, till next week. Having something else to do will help and no idea what that would be.

Progress and agoraphobia

"Why why should we care Joe, why should we despair Joe? We'll win out, yes we'll win out, yes we'll win out in the end". Now some people in the UK will remember this just as I do, but heard it for the first time in about 30 years after I finally got hold of the series of Look and Read called Joe and the Sheep Rustlers first shown in 1973 when I began catching the odd episode when off school, but never seen them all. So now I've managed to hear it again thanks to the internet, although it was all shown at once a couple of years ago I checked very soon after and too late. Patience and persistence there.

I have been pretty busy, work has snowballed as it usually does for no apparent reason, my friends from America are here this week after a 4 year gap and probably about the same next time, if there is one. Two more old signs over the weekend found posted on Flickr so on quite a roll. And according to a British court today global warming is officially a religion, as someone won their case on religious/philosophical discrimination grounds, as they were a green warmist, or 'bedwetter' as Lord Monckton and now I call them. A few leaders, many minions and millions of unknowing victims. The scam of the millenium.
So my feeling last week things would happen seems not failed but gradual, building up since about the weekend and continuing to each day. If I picked that up that is a new level of progress and with evidence comes faith, not the imaginary religious type but the knowing you get from experience.

The new counter is clocking about 10 a day, which means it's the same as when the other vanished and a good base to start on. I'm reading more now it's dark early and learning how incredibly similar agoraphobia is and people's reactions to not being able to do most of the things they once could. It's a new arrival to us all, it comes after having little or no problem with anything, you have one or two bad experiences and it arrives in full. Then it's simply a matter of how big your circle is each day, month or year. Even those who do what I may never do again are still often terrified while they do and wears them out for days after. I say don't bother as once you've done these things already and often no longer want or need to then most are expendable. It's really a free world when it comes to taking orders and if it's your job then you have to get one that's safe. One woman who doesn't care I can't go to the theatre, restaurants and most of the other places they usually love going and I've won. I can't imagine many men who'd turn down a woman that didn't like going out, they'd probably propose to them despite any nasal or other prominent wart. So why do women love activity so much?

Many women of all ages moan their partners hardly ever take them out, I went to discos to meet girls, girls tended to go even when you'd pulled as they liked them. And so it continued. Once a man has a woman he's often happy just to sit around the house like the cat while she's around. Go out when so comfortable and the TV on- why? The selection of countries I've seen has been interesting, but 200 miles or so of Belgium at 150mph basically tells you what you always heard, it's a flat green plain with small bunches of grotty old houses. Seeing famous places like Amsterdam, Paris, Copenhagen etc are interesting but no need to make a habit of it. America is pretty uniform for 1000 miles, I must have driven that much on the bus there and barely noticed a change. Skyscrapers surrounded by henhouses surrounded by grass or trees. Each town or city except DC was a clone of the last, although Cleveland was a lot nicer and I've seen some of the best small towns ever in the northern states and Canada on TV, but I didn't see much personally. Morocco was just like the films but again no need to make a habit of it and I ate on board ship which was free of germs. They warned everyone to avoid eating locally and those who ignored it suffered the consequences. Beaches and posh hotels can be nice but only so much sea and sand in a lifetime and the hotels all relied on the other people as deadly dull when they weren't there.

So maybe agoraphobics are an evolutionary level, ie being content where they are. I only know one who wants to go to places they can't, I think most are more like me and are happy unless pushed to beyond their personal boundaries. People can learn a lot from us as being content is one of the highest levels, as above happiness which is transitory. I'm rarely happy nowadays for obvious reasons for regular readers. But I am content when I've been out or seen someone and then can relax at home in front of a screen. I learned a lot from my cats and clearly have more in common with them than most people do.

Various points

Nothing known to report really, but one point is I've worked out here from presenting my ideas and the feedback that there is nothing wrong with my sanity. Different, yes. Insane, no. Just too sensitive, but that's hardly grounds for certification. That out of the way, what else?

I have certainly had to live within the clear boundaries of the mediocre and mundane. All around the middle, no highs. None. Not for ages. So of course if people can tell then that's the reason why. Less than anyone's fair share. And whatever work I'm not doing now to 'earn it' (old and wrong idea for a start) I have in the past and built up plenty of credit if that scenario was true. I may try another ad for a woman, purely as I will also list my own limitations so it doesn't create a problem waiting to happen. Restaurants are compared to torture chambers and cinemas being buried alive. I have been hundreds of times but have lost the will for some time. Partly I did all this so much (although never enjoyed restaurants) it finished me off, a bit like travelling. Everything I need is here. Travel 10, 20, 50 miles and you just see the same thing over and over again. My suburb, their suburb, another mall etc. Big deal. Just avoid the area codes in London starting with an E and you'll be OK. You know it makes sense.

So within the mediocrity I write trivia quizzes (including a record breaker, 1200 plays in a week), take endless photos (even almost in the dark till next March), do the usual rounds of the family and start again at the beginning. Plus the gym. I really wonder if anything interesting can ever happen, let alone will. The latest person I emailed from the past is beyond the bottom of the barrel. Same name, probably the same person, and no doubt have forgotten me. None have replied so far either, and when I hear from others how they get a message from the past and think 'Oh my god, no way!' and delete it then that's what these fuckers are doing with me. Nice. Whether advertising (again) will be even more of a waste of effort remains to be seen. I've had more trouble from persistent women who won't take no for an answer than those who see me once and run. At least that's one evening tops down the toilet. But when they phone and think because I advertised they have the right to insist on a relationship because they want one is a bloody pain. And never the right one since about 1972. Unless I missed one.

The activities of last week, although slightly productive in that some jobs were eliminated, are not worth remembering let alone reporting. They got me nowhere. Not so many left this week at least, and unlike many times in the past there aren't any old projects I've started that are waiting for results. All gone. No new ones. Just the routine as described above. So I watch people who claim to be aliens, enlightened, talking to aliens and the like as it's better than the shite on TV and easier than reading. I've worked on enlightenment 11 years now since my first lecture, and as far as I know although I now know what they're on about, haven't felt a thing. Well I felt something go different for a second when doing a mantra recently but goodness knows what that was. I think that second was it over 11 years. Now either I am going to become enlightened suddenly with no prior changes, or I'm not going there, so far. Others seem to, and can only trust them. You have to learn the way to discriminate between people talking about the subjective and sort the real from the unreal. We can literally only use intuition as we can't know what others are feeling. Catch 22. If it happened to me I wouldn't care what people thought and would probably not bother to mention it outside that community. Who cares? More so, who understands? They usually can't get meditation, so enlightenment is like another dimension to them. Fine, I'm not doing it for anyone else. My qualifications were for other people, I can't impress myself with them or pay myself, it's so I get money and respect. What else are they for? Getting any degree, even a PhD, does not equal happiness. It helps indirectly but most people I know with a much better hand of cards than me are no happier than those with none.

Well I can only report what is, and add (I'm sure you won't mind) what diver said in his blog, as a fellow agoraphobic. He has both travelled to Egypt and spent a few days on a long road trip, but is still agoraphobic. It's not what we can or can't do, but how we feel being made to do it. Hopefully the ignorant of you who send evil comments may learn something from meeting real agoraphobics instead of quoting a fucking dictionary at me. End of.

It's raining so here I am

I have now found a blog on agoraphobia that describes the whole thing far better than I can so O won't bother trying to describe something that took me over 20 years to understand for people who don't even believe I have it, let alone want to learn more. But however I try and describe it I do know what it is whether or not I can explain it here properly or not. Lynn does it very nicely and corresponds with what I said as well so that can be the source of education following it in its variations from day to day. We are not all housebound or unable to go to the shops but it can sure shit us up when we try.

As it's raining I'm not out doing what I do within 'today's boundaries' which is the key phrase. Every day is different and they change like the Polish border. And god help me if anyone wants me to cross them. That's the phobia. It's not mandatory to follow it and do nothing as accused of. Not that I didn't go out today, but no fun or photos and am waiting on a phone call to go back to collect the door for my bathroom cabinet once they've made it. Because my builder hasn't bothered to do anything I'm gradually getting things done myself like the door, and my father has just fixed two taps I didn't realise anyone could without being a plumber. Besides the asbestos garage roof all the other bits are minor and few are now left and not urgent. But the value I've added to the house (13 years now and counting) with the loft room and new kitchen must have made the investment increase by double what the extras cost me.

This week could go either way, but like Buddha and the old Liberal party will probably be in the middle. One high is a DVD just arrived of the BBC Trade Test films I'd asked for online and haven't seen since they were last on around 1972. I've put out an appeal for the next programme, of a similar age but still owned and used by BBC but I missed their last showing. Who knows. As I said I've done all I can with Christine now, the lost sheep from 1974, and will be very interested to see her apparently very well hidden dark side when I phone her after not receiving any replies. That was the last resort but she brought it on herself. Rudeness is never needed although most people are very good at it. She never has been and I honestly couldn't imagine it being in her. How the mighty fall. Someone says not to contact them and then sends you their new number. A man would never act like that, we are more like the American roads, wide and straight and can see exactly where we're going. Women are like ours here, twists, turns, and often end up where you started. Go figure. She has broken every element of belief I had in people now as I'd held her up as an example for half my life and there are very few others left to replace her, especially female.

My plans now are all practical and not work or pleasure related besides checking who has sold any postcards. I still believe enlightenment is now a reality and that is a huge shift in my own perceptions, and one that can lead me there as well. And most of those who have made it seem to have done it in a similar way, by moving on from teacher to teacher rather than being able to get it all from one. Not using more than one at a time though. I always look at others as I knew there was something I needed, but now I've found it and only use the method Nick gave me as it still seems the right one for me. The others have their own methods but can't be doing with complex performances every day that only serve to get you to the same place Nick does. Their difference is energy transfer (shaktipat) which can't be done by you anyway and needs a shakti master, of which there are very few. And they can send it anywhere so no need to have to see them in person as I discovered with my own. That clears at least as much of the blockage as practices, and the final point is they have proved practices both work and are required for enlightenment, if you do nothing or just listen to satsang you will get nowhere.
I now slip between normal life and returning to my presence, as that is where it lies. We are told the longer and more frequently we do this something will happen, and also I've seen it's rarely a sudden switch but people do start noticing something and then it moves along from there.

I am looking on the current (apparent) economic shenanigans with an interested detachment. I learnt not to borrow long ago and treat the little money I have like children, I know where it's come from, where it is and where it's going. And I never spend it on anything except essentials and the odd thing that I can afford when I see it. I got everything I really needed by the time I was 30 and now it's mainly maintenance and new technology plus replacements when things pack up. If you save it then it's there for when you need it. So if there's any schadenfreude it's only because much if not all of these current problems were avoidable and can't see any way they can touch me. And oil went down yesterday! That will help nearly everyone on earth as it'll reduce inflation and our money will go further as long as it stays there. But I really don't think it'll hit that many normal people this time, and lots are already making it big buying up low stocks. I think in a year it'll all have blown over and not go down in history as it tends to correct itself. Most of the money never existed as it was created to pay for houses worth half their cost, and if they insisted on giving double what many people knew they were worth then the chances of getting it back with interest were reduced. They thought houses would stay up forever, unlike shares, and got a reality check. Big deal. And any recession is an average and they vary in size. They use 6 months shrinkage, but don't measure how much, so a small recession is like a quiet period, but a big one is like the 1930s. If we go into one next year I don't think many will be affected unless their own company goes broke, and unemployment has never been long term here so everything will return to normal and those with protection will survive if they lose their jobs. Too late for me though, that happened 8 years ago!

I have said goodbye to old projects now, if any pop up months later to surprise me I'll be very pleased but have figuratively said kaddish (prayers for the dead) for every one that's been mouldering in the background. A clear slate and no longer within my powers to do anything about that. I'll keep looking after the house and garden, my family and creating what I can, and the rest is out of my hands. It always was but now I realise it.

Nothing else to do

'May you live in interesting times' is a Chinese curse based on the same principle I mentioned the other day and echoed by teachers ever since. Excitement and activity is not concerned if good or bad, it just is. Pure chaos. So is demonstrated here. I pay too high a price for the activity but without readers a blog may as well not exist. If I gave up any activity that came at a cost I'd do even less than I do now and no one will stop me doing that.

After managing a day with my agoraphobia cure, the woman I used to go out with from Manchester, who dragged me to many of the places I didn't like in the past, and as a result made me cope with far more films, restaurants and discos than I would have otherwise. She made me take her round central London each time she came until I finally had enough and even yesterday got me doing far more than I would otherwise so that had its positive side. It can still be stressful though but I haven't really got anyone round here who insists so much I have to go to certain places. It would probably make me worse if I did though.
It rained most of today, my cleaner said she'd come in as she was away the weekend she would normally come, so I didn't go anywhere in case and she didn't turn up. Maybe I wrote the wrong date. So I did the little accounts entries left and then took some photos locally after the rain stopped for an hour. But not seeing anyone for a day shows by the end and with nothing on TV besides Big Brother really gets noticeable.

Currently I'm free, the only trip planned is the one to Walthamstow and then who knows what, plus I am taking the postcards round the shops where I took them but can already hear them say they want to pay a third of what they cost me. I suppose if I sign the back they'll be worth even less... Besides being gloss finish (who ever saw a postcard that looks like a normal photo?) they are very good quality, but can't see them selling at this price. So unless something dangerous intervenes I'll be doing one of those tomorrow. Unless it rains. The woman who has me in reserve just got back from holiday, she may phone soon and no doubt will do nothing about dumping her boyfriend as when you're next they never do. Or do and then don't want you anyway.

I can't think writing my CV in my blog would be of that much interest to many, even for context, and also as it would really need to be on my profile (even worse) otherwise you'd only know if you read the entry it was hiding in. And if I say I'm a psychotherapist that sort of implies certain minimum levels of qualification although legally you don't need any here. And even by the relatively young age of 48 your career has taken so many twists and turns even your own family can't keep up with it so why try on a blog? But as it'll eliminate some controversy I can kill another 10 minutes by doing a rough one here although unless I copy my certificates the very person who couldn't keep up wouldn't believe me anyway. No such word as trust for those who see the rest of humanity as the common enemy.

1984 I got a law degree and taught while studying counselling on and off till 1991. Then I gave up teaching in schools and found the qualifications I had weren't accepted by anyone and ended up working in a shop for 5 years. I was made redundant and besides the week in another job spent the time since gaining the missing therapy qualifications so I can now apply for jobs I won't get.

Those are the stats that count, all the other stuff was alongside that but whatever others think qualified people are supposed to be like, they can't be labelled as writing or talking to a certain way others expect of them. I ramble here as I'm not allowed to in my work (ie the few clients I do see) and won't do with people I know as our conversations are two sided rather than me giving a lecture. A blog is a lecture with questions at the end, so suits my purposes perfectly. Now I think people should save their hate for actual criminals and leave innocent and unfortunate people alone however much they disapprove of them. But as criminals can't write about their exploits online (until the EU approves the human rights of criminals to do so without risk of prosecution) they'll go after us instead and good luck to them. Maybe it'll stop them setting fire to a drunk instead.

Home truths

Besides the last news on not only synchronicity but for the first time someone appeared to be having a conversation with someone who is dead. This totally shakes every belief I have, and add to that the scientific proof people can apparently see the future plus these coincidences mean what we see as random free will is actually arranged from a higher level.

The trouble is the actual details of the life guided by these principles is mainly cack at the moment. I get bits and pieces of good in among a background of darkness. I have just been on the phone to a live example of transcending our suffering as he has a natural ability to overcome pain and related suffering by telling himself it isn't that bad. That could be taught to others and save the medical profession a lot of work. It's a rare ability and one that is a high yogic achievement and of course some people have these things naturally. I have my own but it doesn't include immunity to anything besides anger. Not having much anger means others can see life can be lived without it, and it really isn't a necessary emotion. No use to me really and if it comes it goes very quickly.

Today was almost wasted, I didn't sleep for ages so got up later than usual and besides cut the front lawn used the spare time to almost do nothing. There's a bit of time for more, I also saw the European Cup final on TV which was almost as exciting as the semi finals, and more than the FA cup final, and now I'm back here telling everyone just how little I did. Naturally doing nothing in a family is fun, it only sucks when you're on your own. I found many people who go out and away a lot are so bored at home they try and find excitement that way. I have in the past but agoraphobia aside am now at 47 perfectly content in an environment I spent years creating, and have done enough exploring to find whatever's out there isn't as clever as here. A representative sample of events, countries and other activities, and now my focus is on spiritual development and creation, all of which can be done right here.

As Maharaji says, people travel across the world to find enlightenment when the whole time it's always been within them. You can be right where you are and do the right thing, where you are is irrelevant and any problems always follow you across the universe, as when I found I had to resit half my first year exams when away, I still had to do it and couldn't escape the realities of life by being elsewhere. Better to fix your problems and not care about runnig around once you've checked it all out. I also had the chance to blitz every aspect of entertainment by 20, living in London when everything was very cheap. In the end I switched from the cinemas and theatres and discos to football and psychic events. And whatever my family think this was not where I met friends and partners, just learnt things. So my conclusion is once you're content where you are no one (girlfriends in particular) shouldn't condemn you for doing so, as how many people are actually happy in and around home? Not that many I suspect.