Passing through the vacuum

If there is a message in my life somewhere it's incredibly well hidden. Even dreams of better places and things just return me back to normal after I wake up. Taking the risk she may even read this (not sure how but this is the internet) I am hoping for a reply from one of the few people like those I meet in my dreams, distant and unavailable but in contact. There's no shortage of right people for us, just ones who are interested. I'd marry at least 50 women I know, probably many more. Not because I compromise in any way but I just have learnt what I'm looking for and they all have it. There is a hierarchy of course, but doubt I'd mind if I had any of them and not another.

So if I look for a message all I can currently see is being poked towards enlightenment, which means equally being poked away from caring about what goes on in real life as whatever happens here is irrelevant to that. But even within the teaching until you get there you still suffer down here. That is heaven and hell everyone. It never meant waiting till you were dead. Hell is when you realise you aren't enlightened and heaven is when you are. And being dead means you don't care either way. Finding pleasure down here is a miracle if it lasts very long. I don't know about other people as most I come across through work suffer the most and although I remember pleasure it was punctuated by some pretty dreadful moments as well, as all our lives have to be. Those who have looked say the good and bad tend to even out over a lifetime. I can see many lives that would be lucky to get close. And those we assume are good are often papering over the cracks. There's every reason to turn your back. So any hidden messages just seem to be reminding me more and more this world isn't worth any effort so why bother, keep all my thoughts on the one beyond it.

Limbo though is between both and when you're possibly leaving one but not yet in the other then really you are where you were but can see where you are going. But the distance isn't known and there's no schedule. This so called recession mind you seems to be gradually returning just a little sanity to the world at last. Oil has come down to a price I can almost afford, and food prices are following. Halleluja. House prices haven't moved mind you, not round here, and that is not good news. Knowing it might be cheaper than it was a year ago to move to Chelmsford is no comfort to those who live in London and want to stay there. Apparently the last recession was when I started my last job (albeit after about 350 applications) and business boomed right through it. The only awareness of the recession was the number of applications as when I worked before my degree I could leave on Friday and find something new by Monday in most cases. I never needed more than a couple of weeks whatever though. London slowed drastically since, although when I went to live in Oxford once I'd left my details jobs came flooding in after a month or so. My first one went permanent so didn't need the others but told me they were available.

Having said that my personal preferences for jobs are so popular (ie just above a holiday) that I never stood a chance. The only one I got was so much like a holiday it had no customers so like its equivalent only lasted a week before I returned home. Now all my projects have basically dried up. I will call the library to see if they want any more photobooks and grudgingly call the TV company for the latest excuse why the last programme has done nothing. I'll start another painting now the clocks have gone back, but have no ideas besides wasting whatever spare time I have writing a book based on this blog which is a last resort of the last resorts. No real point writing a book without being a writer already or bloody famous in which case someone else will write it for you but give you the money. But realistically there's no big plans now. Business will look after itself now, and pleasure (as in finding a woman) has been described here already. Last week it was nice and I went to all the parks on the map I hadn't been to with the camera as it was my last chance till March. Getting dark between 3 and 4pm fucks up my leisure time totally and why I'll be painting again.

I think it's the first time I can remember I haven't been involved in at least one major project but as marriage and regular employment are already covered by most people then they can relax and enjoy the ride, if they are actually enjoying it. I know the formula it's usually when you look the other way something happens, but there isn't really anywhere else to look. It's the same in all directions.