Am I complaining too much?

Glad to see many more visitors now we are all linked up again, and an encouragement to keep going.
My current state of being is returning to peace for a short time (after very little for a long time) only for something small medium or large to interfere with it, testing it's strength. Some are real, some fear based, but all genuine challenges to my wellbeing until they pass. I'm not as bad as the true obsessives I know who make every small possibility the end of their lives, but without the support of any other person every stone in the shoe of life is a lot more painful. Technically I am fairly free so far, tomorrow has a few plans and more I can do throughout the week if I bother, and may also buy a DVD camera so my youtube videos can look professional as I said before Argos couldn't cope with people looking at their site. Only Hotmail ever did that before but I still haven't checked the prices and specs yet after that glitch.

My female situation has moved on as well, I face putting up with one of the least inspiring individuals on earth for two reasons, no others left and she looks good. The menu is limited and starvation is not an option. Strangely I got the first social call on Friends Reunited ever in 6 years ( the only other was a funeral invitation) but this was from some mad Greek woman who I didn't even know! Go figure. I'll be interested to know what the reason for calling me was as not being a paid member all she could do was ask me to call her. I can't see it leading to anything somehow.
I also have a list of spiritual and psychic techniques I picked up recently and so far none have had any effect. I have a few which have small effects but could do with more as a result. You can't get to the moon on a bike. Having looked around there are probably few if any better, and the others which claim to work are so complicated and demanding they are like every other method I had to use for business advancement, and don't feel like doing the same for pleasure. There are only two possibilities, either these things work or not. Having seen a few which do it implies many more will, and if they don't for me doesn't automatically mean any or all will not. I just keep trying.

Each week I wonder if I'll ever get more than just the normal and expected. It's a start to have no problems each week, but imagine eating rice every day, you'd survive but wouldn't really enjoy eating. We are designed to need more than survival with little bad or good. Having had a reasonable family life long in the past know that is the foundation most people need, and with none of it at home means without any extras life gets pretty dead. Extras are so rare they may average once a year or less. And from them most last a short time and have no lasting effect. A few are set up in advance, like my next 2 TV appearances. One has a date but I can't see it, the other has nothing but a provisional screening time, and not on TV at all. It'll be nice when they come along but otherwise each week is a repeat of a routine designed to make the best of the toys I've been given. I did notice I should do some things differently just to break the boredom and I am, which is an improvement. It doesn't make up for a lack of good news but can break the monotony when done well.
Post strike allowing one or both of my DVDs will soon arrive so I can watch Rainbow for the first time in about 30 years and Peter Paul and Mary, whose music is nothing special, but message and setting is. Having the 60s to anchor me in my existence is not an ideal method as it doesn't actually exist any more, but the best I currently have. Most people look to the past when their friends have all died off at about 80, I am at it already. Why does life keep letting me down?

Back to bleeding normal

Excitement over, real life returns. Tired today, besides going to the gym which finally woke me up a bit I think last week finally caught up with me. The week ahead is peppered with exactly the same routine I've had the last few weeks and until I actually get there my imagination rolls it all together as if it's all happening at once, which it never can. There are a few slightly interesting plans as well, I'm collecting a couple of old family photo albums made by my late uncle with some pictures I've probably never seen before. I'm also completing my own third album which will be on its way with an advance order, and also get the new photos I took developed tomorrow. Everyday stuff, ups and downs and that's it over and over again. I reckon today was the anticlimax after yesterday, back to normal, and the electric camera wound a 36 film back after 22 so I couldn't even finish what I wanted to take to use the film up.

So I hope every moment, or any moment ahead this week is better than I thought, and there may be some positive balance to the dull stuff, OK stuff that usually pays me money, and boring chores which have to be done sooner or later, alone. I do appreciate the loyal readers, I know a few regulars return and if I write I prefer it read by an audience as otherwise I can use my notebook as I do anyway. Technically the routine of the last few weeks was pretty good, it was a few days working and a few days photos each week. I saw a few people and got a little business done as well. But when it seems that whatever I did before doesn't affect now or possibly ahead it all seems to have vanished. Not the slightest benefit from my efforts besides pages of photos. Maybe there's more but I'm not aware of it yet. I carry on as there's nothing else I can do, and sometimes trust me, I leave elements out here which contribute to my moaning. There is more at times and stuff anyone would have trouble tolerating. OK, we all have the same shit, but mine seemed to have been fairly consistent that one followed another for such a long time. I moaned with reason, not oversensitivity. Mathematically if anyone added up my life since say 1981 it's been rough in many patches.

Once my mother left I then had to retake exams annually till 1984 when I finally got my degree 2 years late. In 1993 the family house was finally sold and although I'd had my own place since 1988 had no alternative to return to when I felt like it. My tenants, designed to combine income with company, were like letting stray cats or tramps in the house. Not the answer. Years with dating agencies in my 30s meeting women a decade older than me with children and a bad attitude, losing a job in 1997 and never getting another except for a week despite hundreds of applications. OK there were obviously highs as well, but the total if you combine the two piles, just like the dreaded balance sheet I just produced, is a fairly big loss. Those are the facts and objectively I say put anyone else in exactly the same position that I am and they would barely feel any different to me. It is tough and it is not through any action I could have taken or not taken of my own.

Now tomorrow and the week ahead may well be ok, once the accounts are put to bed that will help, and then who knows. But those are the figures and make up the foundations of my present life. Put them together and see what they add up to.