I don't believe it!

Still keeping busy, and mostly from my own efforts. Even the small amounts of information I've squeezed out of people have been from constant tries before the right person was located. Many have yet to reply but I have their numbers and no longer bother to wait forever in case they get round to it. No, I am as important as anyone else they deal with.
The good weather has helped of course, plenty of photos and videos, and plenty of little jobs to do indoors when it goes quiet.

I make lists to keep me organised and occupied, so there aren't too many times when I totally run out of things to do. It's incredibly similar to those marooned on an island as there's no one else there to make the activities for you. I can invite others but they have to agree and those who invite me have to be worth doing as well. Not many coincide any more though so nearly all solitary pursuits and family visits. So on the big issues I am waiting on all. At least there are media projects, and I still have a few on the go. Toby Young had an article about his life in The Independent this weekend and saw two photos of him as I remembered from the 70s. It's good to see people doing well who deserve it as too many like Paris Hilton, Lady Victoria Hervey, the Palmer-Tomkinsons and the like are famous because they are rich, not the other way round. Why the obsession with the sort of people you are jealous of as well as those you admire is a mystery to me. Anyone born with millions is no different to anyone else except they have the freedom to do what they like and hangers on who hope for a few crumbs. But famous for it? My arse.

At least people in Big Brother have to suffer for weeks for their fame and few keep it up after the first few months it ends. As they haven't got any reason to be famous besides their exposure. Better to build up slowly for a reason, and I am slowly doing that after many years working to get the letters after my name that get me the work in the first place. Hare and tortoise scenarios. With the patience of a saint. And while I wait each day occupied is a little miracle that I find something new to do each time.
I still leave the really boring stuff indefinitely but we're all human in that respect. But that doesn't include enquiries from people, only getting in touch with them because it's my turn to do so with no actual other reason. You have to have priorities. I doubt I'll get much this week or the week beyond on the media front, besides me calling a producer if not heard by Friday (now I know the new location). After leaving a message last Friday that is. The rule should be if you have no news at least tell people if they ask, and if possible why. I'm not going to ring the newspapers (like they'd care) to say a TV company is having legal problems getting a programme out, but if it's my programme I'd bloody well like to know. Otherwise it looks like they don't care and are just leaving it to rot, which would make no financial sense.

It's also interesting the said company have no idea the programme even exists any more, although they commissioned it. I hope they have their records lost by the government and they moan, and I can say 'serves you fucking well right for doing it yourselves'. It's the same people in every office in the world who do this, it's pure chance where they are and what they lose. But the one thing they never had to begin with is brains. Anyone can foul up something difficult but not getting addresses wrong or not keeping proper records. We could do that in primary school when we played shops and if we could then these airheads are just taking the piss wherever they are.

Another few days

Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble Grubb. Inigo Pipkin, it's Inigo Pipkin, Inigo the puppet maker. On and on I go, covering the first 15 years of my life as that was the best. Then it got more and more difficult. Exams, work, I stopped growing. All that. Then my mother left home. Then I left home. Nothing's changed since then, hence my preferred return to the early 70s and before.

A few things have actually progressed this week, as well as getting my TV clip online there's a trailer for the next one (did I mention it already??) meaning it should happen. I had a good abductee session on Thursday (my unpaid job) and apparently connected to an alien myself. From little spots on obscure TV stations to being recognised in public may follow. Before they were famous clips always involve people already on TV, basically once you've been used you can equally become famous with anyone else. The accounts got every waking moment between clients and taking photos and I still can't produce a thing they actually want. I can't do any more than my best and if they don't tell me what I must do then I can't do it and just waste days of my time.

Bloody wore me out as well. At least I took one lot of photos with someone else again yesterday, makes all the difference. No sex or anything like it but it's an improvement. Unlike my blog hits. Even though there are more active bloggers than ever and the links are back only a couple of new people have found their way here. The counter is still as low as before and I haven't had time to read any since the accounts demand arrived on Tuesday. If the company goes bust and I don't get paid they'll be the last accounts I ever do. Thank god I'm not expected to be a fake surgeon instead of a fake accountant, at least no one can get physically injured, only financially, as I am employed to 'save money' but my lack of ability means it costs more in the end and I'm not surprised.

I suspect (as it hasn't been my experience for more than periods of a day or so) if I was part of a household again we'd share such burdens and life would be 3 dimensional again. And having someone else around takes my mind off the empty thoughts when on my own for days in a row. Terry Waite had his freedom taken away in ways we can all understand but having to live alone is the nearest thing without actually being in prison, and can make the sanest people lose it after long enough.
Well, let's see what the other bloggers have to say, there really are a lot of mentals out there now, I won't leave messages as they seem quite wrapped up in their own worlds and probably wouldn't even understand a normal comment compared to the weirdness they write. From spiritual philosophy to a diary of very little and complaints which repeat as regularly as my grandma's I can see the appeal of reading these entries going, but I see little or no spirituality in life having looked, and have reached reporting my days as they arrive with a few toilet words added for the salt and pepper. Izal, Bronco, Portaloo, Understains, Enemas, Fellatio, There's a pubic hair in my soup and Don't spit in the subway. I rest my case and my sanity.

Quiet as the grave

Warning, potentially depressing entry ahead:

OK, if you've got this far at least you've been prepared. I'll start on a high note, did you know the most I get to meeting people socially is after funerals nowadays? I'm not even making it up. I go to the gym as well but as I actually know most people at the funerals I have a reason to converse. Certain members are local to me but do you think they keep in touch the rest of the time? Clearly not.
Otherwise it's become so quiet I sat down and analysed what had happened. It's either deadly dull or stress at the moment, and nothing better. Having returned from photographing disused rail bridges and posting the results on the internet has been the high since appearing on TV (500 UK viewers, firm now closed) a few months ago. Having intermittent earache hasn't helped me do much as it can also make me very tired and limit the ambition to go and do any more than the minimum possible. So what with trips on my bike to the local shops and photos of trees I fit this excitement into little bunches of work and seeing family and a few really incredibly draining people as my actual friends have all managed to leave gracefully.

I reckon if one person old or new arrived to share even parts of my life as an asset and not a demanding boring liability that would be the best key to improvement. And there are so many people out there, but all busy with their own lives. People get married, they get divorced and get married again within a year, I'm approaching 50 and never even been engaged besides a few days 200 miles from the person who then changed their mind. That was a blessing as she asked me and is a real liability but I was desperate. We tried it for a couple of weeks and I know what I was missing now. I admit in that time I did more than I had for ages but on about 5 hours sleep a night (not sex, she woke me up early) and constant shopping that was it. The highs were a day in Belgium and a trip (alone) to the Capital Radio roadshow which happened to be on the way home from taking her to work. And we were all given the prizes as not enough people turned up to compete for them! Yes, those were the days. I was just unemployed at the time and assuming within a year I'd be working again. Shows how you can't see anything ahead.

Now despite doing all I can to keep out of trouble when there's nothing bad there's still nothing good. I have an early (for me) appointment tomorrow and stupid aggravating arrangements following, I hope will be better than assumed. Sometimes you can't say no however much you want to. I ought to get them to come round and sort the accounts fgor me, that'll put her off ever bothering with me again. Actually it may even work...
Interestingly I just saw a programme following the lives of 3 short men, 2 the same height as me. It took me many years to realise I wasn't inferior and was just one more thing I had to deal with after being landed an only child which was probably equally destructive to a person. They both last a lifetime, like missing a leg or two, and unless married once your parents die you're on your own. And whatever age you are, you'll always look 14 to everyone else as well. Good formula. Admittedly my brains seem to be taller than most but it isn't quite as instantly obvious. And some won't believe it anyway. Getting told you think too deeply just means you are boring people who can't follow what you're saying and don't care as long as their alcohol supply is available. They may as well close down every philosophy and psychology department in the world as well while they're at it as they're clearly no value to them or in their opinions anyone else.

So maybe the week ahead could be better. I can't tell until it happens. Until recently I had what I called 'The system' where all the good things that may happen ahead were listed. That ended after my last TV appearance and is now empty. OK, only a few things on it ever did happen, most good things can't be seen coming and were not expected in advance, but it added a little hope. My current system is finishing the list of crap arrangements this week. Not a positive but a negative, which is never a good thing. And believe me, it helps to write it all here as if not I'd have to dump it on someone I know and lose another friend or relative as a result. I learnt that many years ago. And oddly the second best woman I probably met (brutal but accurate) still thinks the sun shines via my rectum but besides being in the woods so deep it would take Ranulf Fiennes a few days to get there she's got someone else already. So even though there is one woman alive suitable who thinks I am as well, but am only in with a chance if said man dies suddenly, which a) won't happen and b) is not the way to gain success. Just knowing the right woman is out there who feels the same about me is not just not good enough, but a fucking insult in many ways. Not by her but by life. Like having a meal in the fridge which is locked. No fucking use really is it? Except to my self esteem which still can't find another person 33 years later who feels the same way and isn't carrying a certificate of insanity. So it may tell me I can get the pick of the crop in theory but that's the same as the cheese shop in Monty Pythoin. It really doesn't matter how good the cheese is if it's not in stock is it?

Trust me, few people in my position could feel any different, it must be impossible. The earache that comes and goes doesn't help my attitude either of course...

Another day off

One more day free, once I could leave the house when the activities dried up it was pissing down so I've stayed put on the phone since as I am right now. OK, off now. So many people like to talk at the moment. My mum came earlier for a while and the next visitor delayed until pulling out altogether so I decided to clear my software pileup and actually fixed my DVD burner which crashed my computer for weeks. It was under guarantee but the customer services at PC world are modelled on the queue for hell and nothing could make me want to go through that yet again. I think Currys next door was even worse and now I won't buy anything at these superstores as when they inevitably go wrong or arent't what they advertised it's an ordeal worth every extra penny spent in a small local shop to avoid that experience just for a greater selection. The fact the new computer will have a built in one doesn't matter, having a spare can never hurt and I just saved 2 months of photos to cd which couldn't have been done otherwise.

I was about to look out of the front door to see if it had stopped raining and I realised the test match is on, so despite being in here rather than watching it I pay so much for Sky I really feel I should catch bits of it however boring it is now. I may pop out round the block as it's stopped just as a compromise. Tomorrow is free as well, I have a few little plans to keep me occupied and usually manage not to waste the time when it comes. Of course on days off I run out of material after a while, once all the visitors or non-visitors are gone and I've done my internet duties and there's sod all on TV and too early to go to bed it just stops. That's when I need someone else around but where are they?

So, little things sit on the horizon, probably for Monday onwards starting with the new computer and if as promised my next TV programme on video. After the first few people reported in the trickle reduced to a stop and so far I know two people who saw it plus one I didn't. And Discovery Kids has under half the viewers of Discovery Science which I calculated to be about 50,000 at peak times so I assume I got around 20,003 viewers, including the 3 who I told to watch it. I say that for the UK as abroad millions have probably seen them as these shows are international and if I walked into somewhere half way round the world there would be far more chance someone saw me than over here. But it's a start and can only snowball, whether quickly or slowly. And then my sunglasses which I expect will be around Tuesday as I assume they always close early at the end of the week whatever the notice says. Well, the rain's stopped, Clive Bull's first show on LBC after the holidays is finished so I'm off round the block. If there is ever a competition for totally boring lives few could be more so than this at the moment. Making the best of what?