I'm still here

It seems pretty certain that spiritual growth involves many tests- we are sent our worst possible experiences to see if there's any way we can deal with them better. I don't know if I am but they turn up regularly like the cat being sick while you're watching TV or having dinner and ruins whatever else you're doing. I have no cat to do that now but life has an infinite number of variations and all need clearing up one way or another as most don't disappear on their own. I doubt we need to become immune to everything before we can become enlightened- even Jesus claimed to lose his faith somewhat on the cross (his father had forsaken him, odd considered he already volunteered and knew the ending at the time).

So this week has gone to plan so far with one bonus, the first old road sign I knew for 40 years without taking its photo appeared in the distance on one of my negatives I was scanning in case there were more without prints (how does that happen?). The symbol is obvious but blurred but no writing is visible and the enlargement makes it look like it was taken underwater, but I now have a record of it, just. Otherwise I did my first tour video for ages after many requests yesterday, and cut the bushes at my late grandma's before it looked too overgrown. The news continues to be the same mixture of white noise I totally ignore, plus the odd peak or trough of either utter bilge like the next royal wedding- when they care about what I do I'll care about them- or the odd good news like the Republican climate enquiry. But most of life is my own and not affected by others unless they make laws which do directly such as raising energy taxes. It's the old exam results scenario, what my friends get doesn't affect my own performance, so if I fail one it doesn't make me feel any better that someone else has. What crap and shit happens elsewhere really isn't my concern, all these kidnaps and murders from down the road to across the planet are part of life since the stone age, and are sadly no more news than how many sheets of toilet paper my grandma used, yet we got to hear both.

I hope I am in a transitional period though, as I am seeing a mix of the old disasters and doom and new guidance towards success. Maybe I can deal with some old loose ends but still profit from the new direction while I am doing so. It certainly looks like that but the bad stuff feels just as bad as it ever did regardless. I feel I was guided to the negatives last night, I'd been checking up where all my photos without captions were taken with the advent of Streetview, and then thought I'd check the final set of ones that may turn up from unprinted negatives, and chose the right pack almost immediately. As it was on the corner of my road I would have expected a photo of it randomly but till then it wasn't showing. If it's dry tomorrow (it has been for three days and now stopped again) I'll either do my bike trip or the other video, and so far not missed seeing anyone besides the builder working next door who just repaired my garage door for nothing. I still phone the radio every week or so as I did tonight, I'm not famous yet as you can't see my face on radio and the best I do is when I see people I haven't seen for a while and they say they heard me. I even tweeted a new arrival on twitter who listens and lives nearby in case I can make a new friend somehow.

I've done another sweep on Friends Reunited, and thank goodness new people are still joining. I sent three more messages and normally get about a third back although not all have a clue who I am. One was in nursery school with me, and as I was so bored at home my parents let me go just before I was three and I remember as much there as I do in primary. Imagine catching up with someone you haven't seen since you were both five! There was no actual crumpet involved this time, one was simply an enquiry, one an ex who is now miles away and the third a friend of a friend whose very nice sister got a boyfriend before I could get a chance to try myself. I shouldn't be surprised many don't remember me although a few years in the same class pushes my credibility a bit. Even when one saw a photo of us there he claimed not to remember me. What a wanker.

Anyway, I am one step closer to celebrity this year than last now being published, and two more articles in the system hope that momentum keeps going. I write for pleasure so the more they want the more I will provide. I also keep my list of ambitions and although some do get reached none yet really affect my life besides completing a particular mission, step or business deal. It takes away a problem or stops it getting worse but none yet have actually made it better. That needs people first, and it's no use to just see anyone who's available rather than wait for quality as being with the wrong people is worse than none as they drain you. To have close friends you have to share the same frequency with someone, that is natural and can't be created just because someone's there. The right ones are rare indeed and hung onto for decades before one by one they are diverted by life or distance to occasional meetings. None are cut off but severely restricted compared to the old days. The woman on twitter hasn't replied, I don't blame her as unlike us women get random offers and approaches every day and can easily pick and choose. Anyway, I keep going, catch the odd bullet but am still here.

Done my best

Last week was quite a fascinating one as well as busy. I tried a new monthly quiz playing the best players in the world every available hour besides subjects I couldn't do. They said the top 10 players won less those who had it already, plus they had to be in the top 30. Half way through I crossed that line but unlike the global quiz I'd played before (4 1/2 months) once you crossed the final line you were only playing for position. This as soon as you made a ricket could send you down again. I had to learn whether it was better to play for average or total (average raised the placing double at the time) and which subjects to start missing out to save it. In the end I was 27th (on my first attempt) but then discovered although the heading said top 30 the badge was awarded to the whole lot as it had been for most of the time since it began last year. But I'd prefer to do my best and know I would have got it either way so not such a big deal.

But finding a sign which I'd already dreamt about and then seen in an old photo was the most amazing of all, it was partly obscured by a newer crash barrier although legible and appeared to have one end missing but that's probably what saved it that long as it's one I passed all my life but only saw 50 years later. Suits me, better than the few I did know and didn't take before they went. The week ahead is more or less clear so far, haircut tomorrow, no work (I could do with a break actually) and really up to my own devices. I've got a couple more videos to make as well so always keeps me busy when I get those ideas. And then the first election for decades where the result isn't obvious so that should be interesting. Immigration has to be dealt with as does the punitive tax regime based on carbon emissions. And Europe of course, which all the big three agree on like Hitler Goering and Goebbels. So unless people want that lot of sods ruling us which they failed to do after the war then vote for the big three as you are just voting for the European Commission to make 80%+ of our laws. There are smaller parties who would do this and I am voting for one myself (not the BNP but if the big three keep agreeing to destroy the country then they will continue to gain support, not out of racism but desperation). There are alternatives so use them.

I have no idea what's ahead, besides another maths lesson for my not-girlfriend, the only sort I seem to have had for a few years now. I'll keep looking online for the signs, meditate, and whatever else comes to me at the time. I can do no more. Not without wasting effort anyway. I'm only human, as we all are, but I've realised it some while ago.

Looking at reality

As if any ever made a noise in the first place, I've been going through a quiet period the last couple of days. Besides raining until the evening each day I've just been fannying around looking for things to do. That's included a bit of gardening with the newly borrowed clippers, a visit to the outdoor gym again and doing some housework (only happens when all else has run out). But I can't have excitement the whole time and don't need it, rather stability like I had when I still lived at home, better place, better area and with other people.

Until that happens again (my arse), I have to drag whatever I can from the same pool of randomness we all do. A little good news is along with three new scientific books demonstrating how everything I've said about global warming for years is correct the earth's got colder again this month. The actual trend is now towards an ice age but that would fuck up their whole scheme so saving that for geeks like me to discover online. The very fact both the BBC and most papers ignore such vital news demonstrates their attitude to it. They have a task and they must stick to it until the size and weight of the truth overwhelms the wall they've put up for it. While Gordon Brown fiddles in Copenhagen after robbing the world better than Robin Hood or even Al Gore could do. He's a lying scheming bastard and besides claiming he couldn't see the recession coming was partly behind it by allowing unlimited lending. What else could it lead to tell me?

Thank goodness a few other intelligent and perceptive people see things exactly the same way as I do, but like anyone at the top of the pyramid not enough to do very much about it. The majority always being right is a well known fallacy as only a small minority are intelligent enough to see through the crap others will fall for. The leaders know and exploit this and most people are accused of conspiracy theorists for pointing it out. If only that was true. But if the global warming con is seen through and our politicians proved guilty hopefully no one will trust them again.
At least I can know I'm doing my bit on that front.

Ahead is no more than behind. When the highest point on the year's social calendar is half an hour at my old school where I hardly know anyone just about sums up the general picture. I'm quite used to it now mind you, but hope it doesn't go on forever. I'm still self promoting, offering my free counselling services to papers, offering articles, chasing women (online at least) and whatever else comes to me. It got one sign painted at least besides meeting a few people online, and similar to having unlimited tries at X Factor in case you finally make it. Persistence is as important as talent as if you give up because you assume you haven't enough talent you may well be wrong, it's just a matter of competing with everyone else's. Never give up as long as you have more chances.