Done my best

Last week was quite a fascinating one as well as busy. I tried a new monthly quiz playing the best players in the world every available hour besides subjects I couldn't do. They said the top 10 players won less those who had it already, plus they had to be in the top 30. Half way through I crossed that line but unlike the global quiz I'd played before (4 1/2 months) once you crossed the final line you were only playing for position. This as soon as you made a ricket could send you down again. I had to learn whether it was better to play for average or total (average raised the placing double at the time) and which subjects to start missing out to save it. In the end I was 27th (on my first attempt) but then discovered although the heading said top 30 the badge was awarded to the whole lot as it had been for most of the time since it began last year. But I'd prefer to do my best and know I would have got it either way so not such a big deal.

But finding a sign which I'd already dreamt about and then seen in an old photo was the most amazing of all, it was partly obscured by a newer crash barrier although legible and appeared to have one end missing but that's probably what saved it that long as it's one I passed all my life but only saw 50 years later. Suits me, better than the few I did know and didn't take before they went. The week ahead is more or less clear so far, haircut tomorrow, no work (I could do with a break actually) and really up to my own devices. I've got a couple more videos to make as well so always keeps me busy when I get those ideas. And then the first election for decades where the result isn't obvious so that should be interesting. Immigration has to be dealt with as does the punitive tax regime based on carbon emissions. And Europe of course, which all the big three agree on like Hitler Goering and Goebbels. So unless people want that lot of sods ruling us which they failed to do after the war then vote for the big three as you are just voting for the European Commission to make 80%+ of our laws. There are smaller parties who would do this and I am voting for one myself (not the BNP but if the big three keep agreeing to destroy the country then they will continue to gain support, not out of racism but desperation). There are alternatives so use them.

I have no idea what's ahead, besides another maths lesson for my not-girlfriend, the only sort I seem to have had for a few years now. I'll keep looking online for the signs, meditate, and whatever else comes to me at the time. I can do no more. Not without wasting effort anyway. I'm only human, as we all are, but I've realised it some while ago.

Dreaming of more

Looking back on the week I've done quite a bit, but technically nothing but space here and beyond. Besides the freedom to look up nearly every road from home now the other areas really need more than the basic routine which has hardly changed since my friends left the country 8 years ago. I've even had not a date this week (ie female, taken out, no more) which is good for the sanity but not the body. I've started scanning in my grandpa's slides from the 60s and 70s to be printed out when complete, and does not look like the photos I took a few weeks ago are going to be used in any shape or form, which brings to question why I was asked to do it at all. Basically you can't dismiss how you feel though, and if a day is boring you get bored, cause and effect are no different than any other physics, and therefore would be pretty incredible if I didn't even though there may be nothing wrong, there's not a lot else either.

Of course had there been a formula to get out of it we'd all be using it, but as my personal key is other people then without any around I can amuse myself until i can't any more. You don't leave pets alone and we're no different. And you can't talk an animal out of loneliness either. Cats can go out but if they return to an empty house are in a fairly similar position. That's just the reality, no value judgement is needed.

So it's always good to look back and see I haven't wasted the week, or even a day, but always seems to leave me back where I started. False hope is worse than no hope, and whether I've been set up for it by a fool's errand or just wonder if the same phase can't last forever it's really only exactly what there is that exists, and any more is only imagination. Although I have just read that inner and outer may be the same, meaning whatever we think is no different to the outer reality.
Then my dreams, which offer the best and worst extremes beyond normal reality may overlap after all, although they give me music and names and places which do exist, and show me road signs very similar to ones I find soon after in places with names which can be worked out from some of the locations. Now again, if they can show me road signs days or more before I find them then the other ones where a situation has been sorted out could point to that as well.

I don't think my dreams give me false hope although besides the signs none of the good ones have apparently become reality. The least they do is show me what I'm missing and how I'd feel if it happened. I would hate it if there was no point in them, or my life either. I have now graduated to being able to have all five senses in dreams recently, not all at once but they have all appeared in full at times now. If that means anything I don't know either, but does add a dimension to them which takes it further from imagination (I can't use any senses in that) to something half way between. I also saw a little clip about the meaning of satguru which explained it perfectly, that even when you have no teacher ask yourself the question and the best answer comes from your own, the satguru. That's been my online name since I arrived, hardly anyone either cares or understands what it means, but it's guided me to many things all my life, so wonder if I could listen to it more and keep myself out of trouble when I follow my ego/subconscious instead.

I will practice, ask more questions and see if the answers mean more than the guesses that would be the alternative. You know when you've got the right answer, evidence or not. That is intuition, the highest level of knowledge. That tells me when people are lying or trying to keep knowledge for themselves etc, telling me all I need to know about most people in authority. I share it and get torn down for attempting to kill sacred cows. Now excuse me, in the universe there is nothing but the truth, so why hold on to lies because the truth means the people you admired are lying and stealing from you, you can't rely on them so may god forbid have to rely on your own resources. Now that's frightening so rather than accept governments are our oppressors and enemies shout down anyone who suggests it as why would anyone want to ruin the world for their own benefit. Bloody hell, my question is why wouldn't they?

The purpose of dreams

There are a few times when things stop altogether my life can be pointed back on track by dreams. These overlap the ordinary type but contain what's more like a real person or experience designed to show me what's possible in reality. Where they come from is another story but I know now all supernatural events should be taken advantage in with no need to understand how. People used to have no choice but to live this way but now people think if they don't know it's scientific it can't exist. Well I can say different.
My own intuition is the same as everyone's except I realised fairly quickly there were things I knew I'd always known despite not having an experience of said issues yet. Like food. I can look at anything and know if I won't like it, and if some gets in by accident I'll say there's whatever it is there and it's revolting. Never tried it but always knew. Same with most women I meet. So I am now working on using this more, I've long finished studies where I needed to give references, now I can let go of all that and just go on to higher knowledge, the sort we know without learning it.

I really need inspiration as there's fuck all happening at the moment. When the peak of your life is a backward but attractive woman telling you she's got a boyfriend (after seeing you first) but is fed up with him and may keep you in reserve when she gets back from holiday in 2 months you know there is something very big missing. I'm at a stage in life where I should be using the freedom, but as it was in 1976 when I'd finished my exams early and had to wait for the next school year for A levels I had all the time, transport and no one around to share it with. I'm back there now except I'm now living alone, back then my parents were at work all day but at least came home later on, and I knew I'd be back at college in September. For the first time in ages I plan to meditate more than just weekends, and having lost my regular sex partner of about 20 years to an older man that yawning gap needs dealing with as a priority. She wasn't my type or even free, but insisted on seeing as many men as possible all her adult life whatever her status so I wasn't interfering with anything. It was my safety net which even now is the last thing to go.

Without the dreams I'd forget what I was missing and it was worth having, until it happened by chance. I'm old and wise enough to know I can't just go and get it without paying (which I don't do) but at least am in a positive frame of mind if it does find me. The week ahead is unknown, one job tomorrow and that's it. I'll be hanging round busy roads taking people next, a sure way of becoming unpopular but as total strangers who cares. Random people in the street are some of my best photos and most popular. In my daydreams a woman from the past or present will come and sort me out, just as in my other dreams, and at least of all the rest this is the only one which can happen in reality, although with a lot of work by me first. They come to me about once a decade and even then most are only accepted as they are available, I'd never have gone near them otherwise. Women rarely realise most men will accept them if they throw themselves at them as it happens so rarely they are very grateful. I've turned down a few but they were the real frights and didn't want to be put off it entirely. One I did accept put me off till I saw my girlfriend again when I got back from holiday to see they weren't all that bad. Now I know I won't be put off again by anyone but that was when I was 15.

There are some women who are clearly interested, but being American their culture allows them to show it, and location stops them from doing anything about it. All I can say is if any woman reading this who wants to come to London and offer to shag me is almost definitely going to be accepted. If I had been a woman I'd be calling my ISP tomorrow to have the cable rebooted as it had overloaded overnight. Being a man it's the old way as usual instead. And people believe in God?